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[Drinky Crow]

Wife rented Garden State and Sky Captain this weekend. I'd heard both were good from you punkass fruits, but OH MAN did I lose, big time. I want those four-plus hours of my life back. NOW.

Anyway, Garden State wins this showdown by a fair bit, although that doesn't excuse it from sucking. Here's the round-by-round breakdown:

Garden State:

pluses
+ good soundtrack.
+ Zach Braff didn't overact for once.
+ Zach Braff had "BALLS" written on his forehead in the sole semi-funny scene in the movie.

minuses
- the script tried way too fucking hard to be idiosyncratic. I expected Jay and Silent Bob to show up at any second and start screaming about bitches and weed while Braff sat there, perpetually bemused. These kids were supposed to be 26 years old? Keep the cutesy idiosyncratic stuff in the Napoleon Dynamite camp, which doesn't weigh itself down with pompous observational dialogue. The characters spoke in forum posts. It was like GAF's own Matlock turned into a script.
- Natalie Portman simply cannot act. She couldn't even keep a convincing Olsen Twin-esque lilt in her voice, and her physical performance was straight-up high school theatre. Someone get this anorexic twat out of show business.


Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow:

pluses:

+ none. Well, I guess you count making me nostalgic for the FF movie a plus, I guess. And Jude totally uppercutting robots was funny in a bad way.
+ MAF showed up to watch it with us and made a lot of funny remarks about how much of a chick Jude Law was.

minuses:

- BLOOM FILTER.
- Someone rescind Gwyneth Paltrow's Oscar, stat. She fought the blue screen and the blue screen won.
- that rendered dinosaur skeleton. I thought I was playing a PS2 game.
- pacing and cinematography in general. All this rendering, and yet we get purely static scenes shot Resident Evil the Game style? Fuck THAT. And the plot pretty much shat on the two-fisted style of the 30's pulp serials. Apparently, the only requirements for the job of a "sky captain" are "be a total fucking pussy-whipped bitch and run from everything." Hell, I might as well apply for the position myself.
- SWEET JESUS THE BLOOM FILTER.

 

[MrAngryFace]

The camera gag was SO BAD!

 

[Brian Fellows]

I thought the soundtrack was the worst part of Garden State,

 

[Drinky Crow]

I'm not their biggest fan, but even *I* find it hard to hate The Shins.

 

[WARCOCK]

skycaptain suxed, also angelina jolie looks very un-jolie. HE SHE. Also they should have straight up put swastikas on the robots instead of the secondary nazi symbol(OMG SKuLL HEAD.).

 

[AlphaSnake]

- Natalie Portman simply cannot act.

I normally don't agree with you, and I almost never read your posts in full...but I'll be damned if I don't agree with this. Her and Jennifer Garner are two of the shittiest actresses in Hollywood today.

 

[Iceman]

Sky Captain = teh suck

Garden State was great though. I suppose I don't mind the nonsensical hijinks blended together with more weighty, substantial concepts. The combination falls apart in the second half/third of the movie but the humor and soundtrack had already won me over by then.

 

[Drinky Crow]

The combination falls apart in the second half/third of the movie

You can thank Natalie for that.

 

[WARCOCK]

Natalie portman should be transfered from hollywood to north hollywood .

 

[Tabris]

I haven't seen sky captain, but Jude Law rocks! I can't believe you would diss on Jude Law!

As for Garden State, that movie was amazing. One of my favorite movies of 2004 next to Collateral.

It's kinda nice you disliked it though, the world wouldn't be right if we had the same tastes in like, anything.

 

[Drinky Crow]

Tabris, yer a chick so it's okay for you to like Garden State. It probably makes a great filler for you in-between seasons of Ally McBeal.

 

[Tabris]

I'm insulted by that

If you're going to insult my "female-esque tastes", at least get it right.

You can make fun of the fact I liked the movie 'Life as a House'.

 

[sefskillz]

Portman deserved the golden globe and oscar nomination for best supporting actress in Closer. She may suck in some roles, but saying she can't act is bullshit.

 

[Drinky Crow]

Haven't seen Closer, but she sucked in everything else she's been in. I'm venturing she got the Oscar nod simply for being trendy. Didn't Winona get a few nods for having that "in" dewy-eyed waif look the Committee gets all bonery for? Plus, doesn't she play a stripper in "Closer"? The Committee loves seeing Tender Young Things in edgy roles, kinda like how Halle "Catwoman" Berry got an Oscar for getting railed by Billy Bob. (Well, that, and for being blackesque. Denzel, on the other hand, deserved his gold dude.)

 

[demon]

Is it just me or was Natalie Portman's best performance her first, in Leon?

 

[LinesInTheSand]

Portman was great in The Professional, Garden State and Closer. Anyone who says otherwise is a tard, unfortunately.

 

[FnordChan]

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: pluses: + none.

I can't really argue with any of your criticisms, but I certainly disagree with them on a deep, fundamental level. Everything you found annoying I was happy to go along with, I thought it was a terrific pulp wallow, and Angelina Jolie was terrific as Nick Fury. Or something.

FnordChan

 

[Tabris]

I was indifferent to Portman in Garden State.

Garden State was Zach Brahf's one man show in my opinion.

 

[Foreign Jackass]

I'm sorry, but whining about Portman not deserving an award while not seeing the movie she's been nominated with is lame. Ok, Garden State was idiosyncratic, but it was still funny in places (I laughed out loud plenty of times). Too bad the story was all over the place and went through loops trying to get some jokes in the movie. Still a good effort, though, better than most of the worthless tripe that comes out of Hollywood.

By the way, Closer rocks, and Portman rocks in it. She also rocks in Beautiful Girls, and Leon. Yeah, both movies are pretty old, but hey.

 

[Drinky Crow]

I think she probably had less of an attitude and took coaching better in The Professional, and yeah, she wasn't bad in it. I always forget she was in it because HEY JEAN RENO!!!!

How can you claim she was good in Garden State, though? Sweet GOD, she was fuckin' cardboard cutout with a simpering voice piped in via ventriloquism. She has all the emotional presence of a mannequin. She was supposed to be playing this troubled free spirit -- well, at least the dialogue as written did -- but she played the part physically and facially like she was calling in the lines from her cell phone. That shit'll fly if you have a British accent and the movie you're in is a remake of Upstairs Downstairs shown at 3 AM on PBS, but not in a snarky American observational comedy about quarter-life crises.

 

[sefskillz]

Plus, doesn't she play a stripper in "Closer"? The Committee loves seeing Tender Young Things in edgy roles, kinda like how Halle "Catwoman" Berry got an Oscar for getting railed by Billy Bob. (Well, that, and for being blackesque. Denzel, on the other hand, deserved his gold dude.)

Yea, she plays a stripper. I was just saying that I agree with her winning the golden globe and I support her in winning the Oscar too, which wasn't the case in the Halle Berry situation

 

[Matlock]

The characters spoke in forum posts. It was like GAF's own Matlock turned into a script.

Alternately, your cinematic equivalent would be [insert michael moore film here].

 

[Drinky Crow]

Canadian Bacon!

 

[ToxicAdam]

This thread is delicious. I came for the reviews .. I stayed for the GAF'er bashing.

 

[junkwaffle]

Someone rescind Gwyneth Paltrow's Oscar, stat. She fought the blue screen and the blue screen won.

Funny. Yea, I didn't see Shakespear in Love, but I have a profound suspicion that Elizabeth was robbed as best picture, as was Cate Blanchette. Anyone see both films and have an opinion on this? (yea, right..)

 

[Matlock]

Canadian Bacon!

Oh, I'm sorry, the correct answer was Fahrenheit 9/11.

 

[Jim Bowie]

I don't agree with what you've said about Sky Captain, but you took the words out of my mouth about Natalie Portman.

 

[Drinky Crow]

I did. I kinda dug Shakespeare in Love -- ironically a very idiosyncratic movie full of observational dialogue, although I excuse it because it was written by the smart fuckers who brought us Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and because Geoffrey Rush gave monstrously awesome performance -- but I felt Paltrow's performance was completely unnoteworthy. Again, I blame it on the Oscar Committee's love of pretty girls doing edgy things -- she cross-dressed in it as a male actor which means She Is Giving A Performance Outside Of Her Comfort Zone (tm How To Win An Oscar If Yer A Gurl).

Cate Blanchett was awesome in Elizabeth, and she shoulda gotten the nod, even if Elizabeth's script was a little weak. She's just an insanely talented (and beautiful) actress. Then again, she didn't play a stripper, dress as a dude, box, leap the racial fence to ride the Billy Bob pony, or fatten up to play a lesbo serial killer, so she really didn't stand a chance.

Next up: HILARY SWANK'S MANJAW TAKES HOME ANOTHER OSCAR; RALPH MACCHIO AM CRYING

 

[Matlock]

Then again, she didn't play a stripper, dress as a dude, box, leap the racial fence to ride the Billy Bob pony, or fatten up to play a lesbo serial killer, so she really didn't stand a chance.

*picks up the phone*

"Hello? Britney Spears? Play in a movie as a woman who sleeps with Denzel Washington, then loses him--only to become a male stripper who boxes and becomes a fat lesbian who kills those responsible."


*click*

months later...

"You fucks ruined the awards! Now there's no legitmacy at all! I CAN'T CASH IN"

 

[FortNinety]

Yeah, Garden State really was LiveJournal the movie. And Portman's only good role was Leon. Period.

 

[Tabris]

Then again, she didn't play a stripper, dress as a dude, box, leap the racial fence to ride the Billy Bob pony, or fatten up to play a lesbo serial killer, so she really didn't stand a chance.

Uhm, I don't know the last one? I'm assuming you mean Monster (I hated that movie) with what's her name, uhm, charlize theron! She didn't win an oscar.

 

[Matlock]

Uhm, I don't know the last one? I'm assuming you mean Monster (I hated that movie) with what's her name, uhm, charlize theron! She didn't win an oscar.

oh really

"I'd like to present this award to Tabris, who doesn't know what he's talking about!"

 

[Tabris]

Oh. Well. Then.

I'll take my owning and won't edit my post.

 

[Drinky Crow]

She (Charlize Theron) sure did. Google "Oscar Winners 2004" and enjoy the show!


EDIT: The awards were issued in 2004, for the 2003 cinema year.

 

[Matlock]

She (Charlize Theron) sure did. Google "Oscar Winners 2004" and enjoy the show!

 

[MrAngryFace]

*vomit*

 

[Kabuki Waq]

Sky Captain was horrible. "Hey remember those crappy movies from the 30s, bad acting horrible script? ....I wonder what would happen if they got a budget?"

 

[etiolate]

Sky Captain is full of homages, and is broken up into little episodes all strung together. I wouldn't say its great, but I don't seperate everything into love/great. I enjoyed it for what it was, radio drama and the fun cheesiness associated with it. It's filled with the sort of impossible situations that would keep kids listening to their radio to see how their hero could find a way out of it.

But Garden State is great and I loved Natalie Portman in it. I don't know what your problem is there. There was even urinating on a Gamecube, you should love it.

 

[Minotauro]

Charlize Theron is ten times uglier in that movie than the real Aileen Wuornos. I mean, she was frozen viking-unattractive in that movie.

 

[FoneBone]

I loved Sky Captain... but it's hard to think of a better recent example of a love-it-or-hate-it movie.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

Funny. Yea, I didn't see Shakespear in Love, but I have a profound suspicion that Elizabeth was robbed as best picture, as was Cate Blanchette. Anyone see both films and have an opinion on this? (yea, right..)

Hard to compare them, really.

"Elizabeth" is a Godfather knock-off (albiet a darned good one) set in a Hollywoodized version of sort-of history, and "Shakespeare in Love" was a very clever comedy set in a different Hollywoodized London a few decades later, which was full of extremely good comic acting and was funny if you're into the Bard (I am). I liked obth movies a whole lot, although E stands up better to re-watching, I suppose.

Paltrow was pretty forgettable in her role in SiL, however. Joseph Fiennes should do more comedy, though.

On the main topic-- I like Sky Captain as pure popcorn, and liked the visual homages to old Superman cartoons. The charcters ('cept Ms Jolie) all grated, but I didn't care.

I've been on the verge of getting Garden State but keep renting old releases instead. Perhaps I should trust that gut.

 

[Kabuki Waq]

SAving Private Ryan was robbed that year.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

And Oh Yeah, I forgot--

On the Shitty Rental Front, I could not get more than 15 minutes into The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Good god, that's what passes for humor? Made worse that I rented Wicker Park at the same time, which I did manage to finish, but not sure why I bothered. That was my own fault, nobody recommened that one. I just rewatched Vertigo (which it's trying lamely to rip off) to clear the taste.


GAF's collective taste is only redeemed by the recommendation of Harold and Kumar, which I thought was Just Plain Swell.

 

[Drinky Crow]

Oh God, both Anchorman and Dodgeball were fundamentally unwatchable. Collectively, they're the worst examples of comic pacing I can think of, outside of maybe A Night at the Roxbury. Dodgeball's ONLY redeeming factor was Firefly's Alan Tudyk as a pirate fanboy.


Harold and Kumar, on the other hand, was a great little work of Lampoon-esque fluff comedy. The prop gags got a little eh, but the rednecks at the convenience store were a dead ringer for my high school mates. I really enjoyed it as a pure dumb popcorn flick. MAF tells me good things about Without a Paddle, which is next up in my viewing queue.

 

[Dan]

I won't even bother watching Sky Captain, but I did see Garden State and I'd at least say it was overrated. I didn't dislike it, but it didn't do much for me either.

+ Zach Braff didn't overact for once.

What is this referring to exactly? If it's the last two years of Scrubs or so, well, it's not just him. The whole show has been pushed into a more slapstick style and just about the entire cast 'overacts' in some way, but that's obviously on purpose and part of the angle they're going for. The first and second season were largely great though, and rather different in approach.

 

[NLB2]

Dodgeball's ONLY redeeming factor was Firefly's Alan Tudyk as a pirate fanboy.

You've forgotten about legendary karateka Chuck Norris.

 

[Drinky Crow]

The last two years of Scrubs, as you said. Zach is just not a very good physical actor, and he really shines in deadpan. He knows this, obviously; there's no doubt he wrote the lead role in Garden State for his style, and he did damn good in it, despite the awkwardness of several of his lines.

 

[Kabuki Waq]

Without a paddle is a fun little movie eventhough the jokes miss the mark more than they hit.

 

[Dan]

The last two years of Scrubs, as you said. Zach is just not a very good physical actor, and he really shines in deadpan. He knows this, obviously; there's no doubt he wrote the lead role in Garden State for his style, and he did damn good in it, despite the awkwardness of several of his lines.

Okay, just checking as I wouldn't really blame him for the 'overacting'. But yeah, I agree.

 

[XMonkey]

Go see Closer before you knock Natalie Portman for being a bad actress. She deserves the Golden Globe and Oscar nod.