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[Eminem]

http://www.seinfeldscripts.com

Jesus, these are as good as watching them on TV. I have burst out laughing like 10 times in the last hour.

Particularly: http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheStrike.htm

That's the Festivus episode.

[Setting: Kruger Building]

KRUGER: George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all

seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)

GEORGE: 20 thousand dollars?

KRUGER: Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.

:lol :lol :lol :lol

 

[Error Macro]

LOL

Reading those scripts is like reliveing the episodes in my mind.

 

[Pochacco]

Cool.

If I had friends were as zany as me, we could re-enact Seinfeld episodes!

 

[Eminem]

Reading those scripts is like reliveing the episodes in my mind.

I know it. As I read every line I picture it in my head.

 

[AlphaSnake]

LOL

Reading those scripts is like reliveing the episodes in my mind.

Yep. Everytime I read Pulp Fiction script or Swingers it's as if I'm watching the movie in my head.

 

[levious]

I hope no one actually spends time reading the finale script.

 

[demon]

[Rings]

KRAMER: Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If you know the name of the
movie you'd like to see, press one.

GEORGE: Come on. Come on.

KRAMER: Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three
letters of the movie title, now.

(George presses 3 keys)

KRAMER: You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's correct, press one.

GEORGE: What?

KRAMER: Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? If this is correct,
press one.

(George looks baffled)

KRAMER: Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've
selected.

GEORGE: Chunnel?

KRAMER: To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit
zip-code, now.

(George enters his zip-code)

KRAMER: Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?

 

[Pochacco]

WILLIE: Mr. Costanza, I really don’t have time for this.

GEORGE: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, wouldn’t you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?

WILLIE: "Candy line-up"?

GEORGE: I’ve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select from.

WILLIE: It took you an hour?

GEORGE: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room.

Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)

SALESWOMAN: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!

GEORGE: That’s my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They’re - they’re all on the floor!

(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)

GEORGE: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!

MECHANIC: No.

MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good.

GEORGE: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!

MECHANIC: They’re all gone.

GEORGE: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!

 

[Guzim]

Estelle: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.

Frank: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a

dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.

Estelle: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.

Frank: I got things to do, too.

Estelle: Don't upset me! I can't cry!

Frank: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?

Estelle: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.

Frank: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.

Estelle: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.

Frank: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!

 

[Eminem]

WILLIE: Mr. Costanza, I really don’t have time for this.

GEORGE: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, wouldn’t you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?

WILLIE: "Candy line-up"?

GEORGE: I’ve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select from.

WILLIE: It took you an hour?

GEORGE: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room.

Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)

SALESWOMAN: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!

GEORGE: That’s my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They’re - they’re all on the floor!

(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)

GEORGE: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!

MECHANIC: No.

MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good.

GEORGE: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!

MECHANIC: They’re all gone.

GEORGE: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!

:lol :lol :lol my favorite episode ever

 

[Ollie Pooch]

from 'the fire' my favourite ep

TOBY: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! <To Jerry> Touch! Touch them! <Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.> I've never been to a comedy club before!

JERRY: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too.

TOBY (laughing): You are so funny!

JERRY: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.

TOBY: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! <laughs>

KRAMER: What about me?

TOBY (serious): What about you? <laughs> I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh.

JERRY: Good, good.

KRAMER (to Jerry): So, you up next?

JERRY: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?

TOBY: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' <laughs>

KRAMER: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?

JERRY: Yeah.

TOBY: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!

JERRY: O.k., good, I'll see you later. <Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.>

TOBY: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!

 

[guess]

My favorite episode: The Outing

Sharon: So how did you two meet?

Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.

George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Sharon: Do you guys live together?

Jerry: [quizzically] Live together?

George: No, I got my own place.

Sharon: And do your parents know?

Jerry: Know *what*?

George: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...

Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!

Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

George: No, of course not...

Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...

George: Absolutely...

Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...

George: My *father* is gay...

 

[Eminem]

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

:lol :lol i think that's the most used in real life seinfeld quote ever

 

[Bob White]

(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo stealing another book)

JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with

shoplifting..

GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.

JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!

(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!

GUARD: You're under arrest.

JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!

JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?

LEO: Hello.


:lol :lol :lol

 

[Luscious LeftFoot]

:lol

My friends and I used to send Simpsons quotes back & forth when we were board at work.

But these are equally funny.

 

[Bob White]

(Enter Kramer)

(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)

KRAMER: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!

BOOKIE: Hello again, Miss Benes.

ELAINE: What are you doing here?

BOOKIE: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..

KRAMER: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!

(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it)

ESTELLE: Dinner's ready!

FRANK: Let's begin.

(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGER: Dr.. Van Nostrand?

KRAMER: Uh.. that's right.

(Cut to Frank)

FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear

about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!

GEORGE: Oh, God.

FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought. :lol :lol :lol!!

(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in)

GWEN: Jerry!

JERRY: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?

GWEN: Kramer told me.

KRAMER: Another Festivus miracle! :lol

(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine)

GWEN: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.

ELAINE: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.

(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)

JERRY: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.

ELAINE: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?

BOOKIE: He had to be shot.

FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.

GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..

FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.

KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.

JERRY: I thought you were on strike?

KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.

GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?

(Exit Kramer)

KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?

FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!

GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!

FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!

(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)

ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.

FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!

GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!

FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!

(Scene ends)

:lol :lol This show is still the best sitcom ever.

 

[Eminem]

:lol :lol This show is still the best sitcom ever.

indeed.

now GAfers, post more great seinfeld moments!

 

[Coop]

i love this episode

[Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.]

GENE

At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.

KEVIN

Oh, so what did you do?

GENE

I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.

KEVIN

Nice.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

FELDMAN

[off-screen] Feldman..

From across the hall.

KEVIN

[smiles, relieved] Hold on.

[GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.]

FELDMAN

Kevin! Brought some groceries.

KEVIN

Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!

FELDMAN

Hey, what are friends for?

KEVIN

You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.

[They have a long smarmy group hug.]

KEVIN

[eyes closed in hug] Oh.

Me so happy. Me want to cry.

 

[White Man]

IIRC, that Bizarro episode was one of the several with a writing credit from Dave and Steve of Videogame Explosion fame. Damn, that show was awesome.

 

[Ollie Pooch]

JERRY: Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! <Laughs uproariously.>

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH
one of the best

 

[Guzim]

GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.

ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"!

GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?

ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!

GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?

GEORGE: Its not easy.

 

[goodcow]

George: (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at

night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it

keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People

this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think

of me.

Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.

Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.

George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at

night.

Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.

George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile

watch. Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I

kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great."

Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I

think you should call her.

George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.

Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who

goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call

her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.

 

[demon]

Puddy: "You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman."

Elaine: "Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened."

Puddy: "Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman." [laughs]

Elaine: "You're not taking me back?"

Puddy, leaving: "That's right."

Elaine: "He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody..."

 

[Eminem]

George: (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at

night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it

keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People

this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think

of me.

:lol :lol :lol

Ah. Figured I'd bump this now, and wait to bump the DVD thread on Tuesday =p
This is a great thread though.

I bought my Festivus pole today at menards actually.

pictures:

(with my clippings from the Bulls dynasty in the background =p)

...with my stolen cone and road closed sign giving a nice reflection

Never forget December 23rd. Festivus for the restofus!

 

[ohamsie]

I'm glad you bumped this, reading the scripts will give me something to do when I'm at my job for four hours tomorrow doing nothing.

Has anyone ever had the Festivus flavor of ice cream? I forget where it was at, Baskin Robbins maybe. It came out around this time of month. It was like Pumpking Pie flavored, it was delicious. I hope to have some more, hopefully I can find it.