The BDSM Thread

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GamerJM said:
Okay, so uh, I don't know why I'm posting this but I just feel the need to talk about this somewhere.

So, I've never been in a relationship or had any experience with sex. Ever since I was a young teen I've had tons of fetishes that range all over the spectrum, and I spend a decent amount of time exploring them on my own. I've always been into stuff involving submissive men/dominant women, but it was never a fetish any different from others. But recently, I've gotten into "Gentle Femdom," material and it just resonates with me on a level that goes beyond anything sexual. Like, at times I feel like I want to be in a GFD relationship more than anything else in life. But I dunno what to do, or if I should even pursue any of this (especially as a not very good looking hermit college student), especially since it seems like it's mostly the submissive men who are into this so meeting a partner would be really hard anyways.
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Well this is a good a start as any. Ask advice. Try and find some forums and local meet and greets. Being "good" looking has nothing to do with it. Explore, gain some confidence and then seek out what you want. Just getting out there and meeting people that have already broken through will help you. Taking it slow isn't a bad thing.

There is definitely a match for everyone.
 
Oh cool, i had no idea there was a BDSM thread.

I had like the best entrance to BDSM a few months back when i met a girl on tinder. (i dont know if it could be called an entrance as much as me finally doing bdsm stuff rather than watching it on the net). We had been seeing each other for like 2 weeks and under that time i'd noticed she had several bdsm related reblogs and stuff on her tumblr, so i was like "YEEEEEEEEEEEE" but being the nervous person i am (literally first girl i've ever slept with and been involved with further than kissing, and i'm 20) it took me like another week until i asked her about it when she stayed over. turned out she was super into being a sub. And i had interest in testing the Dom-side and learning about all this stuff in general. Been great like 3-4 months since then.

Shibari is pretty cool.
 
I'm not really into BDSM, but i really find the comic "Nana to Kaoru" to be brilliant, you also will end up learning a lot about the subject as you usually do in any japanese comic dedicated to some activity in particular.

If you like BDSM and you haven't read this, do it and thank me later.

BTW, it's really not explicit at all, not what you would call porn or similar. It's maybe similar to the movie Secretary.

Edit: link! http://mangafox.me/manga/nana_to_kaoru/
 
Hazaro said:
*JM, also look at role reversal
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I do. I mean the two are kind of intertwined, looking up stuff for one leads to the other. Although I don't really love the term "role reversal," though since I don't really want to act according to traditional female gender roles, though it seems "role reversal," almost always just refers to having the girl be traditionally dominant one.

oktarb said:
Well this is a good a start as any. Ask advice. Try and find some forums and local meet and greets. Being "good" looking has nothing to do with it. Explore, gain some confidence and then seek out what you want. Just getting out there and meeting people that have already broken through will help you. Taking it slow isn't a bad thing.

There is definitely a match for everyone.
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Well, I've looked up forums, it seems the only really active one is the threads on /d/ lol (not how I found out about it,I found out about it through Tumblr). Also I'm unsure if I even want to pursue this. I know I said I feel like I really want a GFD relationship but I'm not really sure if I'm ready to have a relationship or date yet at all (though, maybe I am, I dunno really), my post was just sort of venting I guess. I just find it strange that this resonates so much with me even on a non-sexual level and I don't know what to do about it.
 
oktarb said:
Well this is a good a start as any. Ask advice. Try and find some forums and local meet and greets. Being "good" looking has nothing to do with it. Explore, gain some confidence and then seek out what you want. Just getting out there and meeting people that have already broken through will help you. Taking it slow isn't a bad thing.

There is definitely a match for everyone.
Click to expand...

Hope fades
 
GamerJM said:
I do. I mean the two are kind of intertwined, looking up stuff for one leads to the other. Although I don't really love the term "role reversal," though since I don't really want to act according to traditional female gender roles, though it seems "role reversal," almost always just refers to having the girl be traditionally dominant one.



Well, I've looked up forums, it seems the only really active one is the threads on /d/ lol (not how I found out about it,I found out about it through Tumblr). Also I'm unsure if I even want to pursue this. I know I said I feel like I really want a GFD relationship but I'm not really sure if I'm ready to have a relationship or date yet at all (though, maybe I am, I dunno really), my post was just sort of venting I guess. I just find it strange that this resonates so much with me even on a non-sexual level and I don't know what to do about it.
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Just post in that thread and put your (alternate) contact info out there so someone can message you about that stuff and you Skype them. Pretty easy.
Added the RR term in case you were looking up stuff for the first time.
 
FelixOrion said:
Hope fades
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Felix.. all I'm going to say is in this area, there are the people you are looking for, man. It's just harder around here and the plains because people are really careful about what they present up front since segments of the population are very adamant about attacking people for it. But they exist. Keep at building yourself and you will find your partner! But I won't deny it's really friggin' hard around here.
 
FyreWulff said:
Felix.. all I'm going to say is in this area, there are the people you are looking for, man. It's just harder around here and the plains because people are really careful about what they present up front since segments of the population are very adamant about attacking people for it. But they exist. Keep at building yourself and you will find your partner! But I won't deny it's really friggin' hard around here.
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I know, you're really right on the society bit. It's just I already have a helluva time trying to just regularly date (and I'm already kind of a failure at that), so trying to find a partner just seems like a foolish pipe dream more and more.
 
I've been curious about BDSM for a long time, so I recently finally signed up with FetLife. But Jesus, this site is a mess. Why is there no way to search and filter for specific criteria? Why is there no way to sort user lists? For instance, when I select the city I live in, there are about 4000 users. That's over 200 pages of users, and there's no way to narrow down the list? Seriously? How is the list sorted anyway? Most Recently Active? No, in that case the first page would change more often, which it doesn't. It's a mess.
 
Ambitious said:
I've been curious about BDSM for a long time, so I recently finally signed up with FetLife. But Jesus, this site is a mess. Why is there no way to search and filter for specific criteria? Why is there no way to sort user lists? For instance, when I select the city I live in, there are about 4000 users. That's over 200 pages of users, and there's no way to narrow down the list? Seriously? How is the list sorted anyway? Most Recently Active? No, in that case the first page would change more often, which it doesn't. It's a mess.
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The site was built in like 2006 and hasn't updated since.

It's basically myspace, but we use it because it's the most populated!

Grand isn't it.
 
Ambitious said:
I've been curious about BDSM for a long time, so I recently finally signed up with FetLife. But Jesus, this site is a mess. Why is there no way to search and filter for specific criteria? Why is there no way to sort user lists? .
Click to expand...

that's because fetlife officially does not want to be a dating site.
there are even browser plugins that let you search, or there have been. but they are frowned upon and they have been disabled as far as I know. fetlife has also had problems with predators in the past.

but the whole thing is a joke, because of course fetlife is a dating site and people use it as a dating site. I use it as a dating site. it's not a coincidence that relationship status and "what are you looking for" are the top 2 items of your profile right below name, gender and location.
 
Frozenprince said:
The site was built in like 2006 and hasn't updated since.

It's basically myspace, but we use it because it's the most populated!

Grand isn't it.
Click to expand...

It sure looks that way.

Well, the local groups aren't particularly active. The majority of the threads are something like "I'm gonna be in this city for a few days, anyone want to have some fun?" with zero replies. So I guess all I can do is browse the 4000 user list I mentioned and hope that I find someone interesting. Great.

The "Explore" section is useless, too. It doesn't take my profile data into account, doesn't it? It looks completely random to me. People from all over the world with all kind of interests and fetishes.

This site could be so much better if they actually did someone with all the data they have. Take fetishes, for instance: They're not plaintext. Fetishes are added to your profile in the form of separate tags, which means software can work with them. Their system could find people with similar fetishes. Or people who complement your interests: If you're into X/giving, find people who're into X/receiving or vice versa. Calculate a match rate or something, like OKCupid does.

It's ridiculous. So much data, and it just sits there, unused. Indeed, like software from 2006.

Moff said:
that's because fetlife officially does not want to be a dating site.
there are even browser plugins that let you search, or there have been. but they are frowned upon and they have been disabled as far as I know. fetlife has also had problems with predators in the past.

but the whole thing is a joke, because of course fetlife is a dating site and people use it as a dating site. I use it as a dating site. it's not a coincidence that relationship status and "what are you looking for" are the top 2 items of your profile right below name, gender and location.
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I mean... well, yeah, it's just as you say, it is de facto a dating site.
 
And unless I'm missing something, there's not even a way to figure out who's currently online. Good lord. I'm actually shocked.

Anyway. As a complete amateur who doesn't know anyone on FetLife, I feel a bit daunted. It's not easy to find people from around here who're either newbies themselves or looking for newbies*. Most people seem to already have lots of friends on FetLife, and lots of BDSM experience as well.

I happened to find the group of a charitable organization for BDSM education and exchange, specifically for younger people (27 or younger). Once a month, there's a meetup in a safe environment, where people can freely discuss their desires and experiences and help each other.
I'm considering attending the next meetup, which is in six days. Not sure whether that's for me, but let's see.

I also learned of a SM café not far from my university, but I don't think I can bring myself to go there at this point.


* See, that's the biggest issue with FetLife. It's easy to find people who're into X, and it's easy to find people from the same city. But finding people who're into X and live in the same city? Fucking impossible.
 
yeah it's annyoing, but again, fetlife does not want to be a dating site. I think I even read an official statement somewhere once.
 
Fetlife does everything it can to not even be considered a dating site, it's a very deliberate move and the focus is very heavily on community which in more active areas such as Birmingham UK it works incredibly well as.

It's great for keeping in touch with kinky friends, arranging and seeing various munches and events (I run two through it) and finding interest groups. Sadly the groups aren't that busy as most people use PM's rather then group chat and the unfortunate occurrence where group owners start believing themselves to be all powerful gods and deleting threads as something similar was posted 6 years ago or they are just having a bad day.

Prowling through membership pages and randomly messaging those who you may be interested in is frowned upon especially if you do so while committing the evil and unforgivable crime of being male.

That's why I stick to munches, meet great local people and avoid the vast majority of the men-hate that has sadly become prominent on the site, especially 'K+P' during the past 2 or 3 years.
 
dalin80 said:
Fetlife does everything it can to not even be considered a dating site, it's a very deliberate move
[...]
Prowling through membership pages and randomly messaging those who you may be interested in is frowned upon especially if you do so while committing the evil and unforgivable crime of being male.
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which is still odd, because as I said above, relationship status and what you are looking for are right at the top of your profile, it's not like this is such a prominent information on your profile on actual social networks like facebook. while fetlife does not want to be a dating site, they definitely make it easy for people to communicate if they are available and what they are looking for.
and here in Switzerland it is definitely used as a dating site and messaging people is not frowned upon. most people use it for that. but that may be regional since we don't have an actual kinkster dating site here.
 
I met my wife on fetlife. I wasn't there with that intention, I just wanted someone to hit me with stuff and tell me to do things. What I like about fetlife is it keeps track of when she first messaged me, so I know exactly how long we've known each other. (829 days!)
 
My only experience with FetLife a short time when I was with an ex-girlfriend. She introduced me to it, I had never heard of it before. Mostly everyone in that town's group used it more for munches, board game nights, I think they eventually did play parties, but it was probably after I graduated and moved. I deleted my account there after my ex and I broke up. I've never used it since then.

It reminds me more of a "Facebook meets forum type of thing (like NeoGAF)" than a dating site, but I can certainly see why people would want to use it as a dating site. At the very least, you make friends on there.
 
So I met a new sub (yes, on fetlife) and she desired a set of rules including a contract. Anyone got fun ideas that are not ordinary?

I am also looking for tasks she can do for me during the say and prove via a picture, best would be something that holds the whole day, like wearing something I got her or writing my name on her breast.
 
Ambitious said:
And unless I'm missing something, there's not even a way to figure out who's currently online. Good lord. I'm actually shocked.

Anyway. As a complete amateur who doesn't know anyone on FetLife, I feel a bit daunted. It's not easy to find people from around here who're either newbies themselves or looking for newbies*. Most people seem to already have lots of friends on FetLife, and lots of BDSM experience as well.

I happened to find the group of a charitable organization for BDSM education and exchange, specifically for younger people (27 or younger). Once a month, there's a meetup in a safe environment, where people can freely discuss their desires and experiences and help each other.
I'm considering attending the next meetup, which is in six days. Not sure whether that's for me, but let's see.

I also learned of a SM café not far from my university, but I don't think I can bring myself to go there at this point.


* See, that's the biggest issue with FetLife. It's easy to find people who're into X, and it's easy to find people from the same city. But finding people who're into X and live in the same city? Fucking impossible.
Click to expand...

They also have an active IRC chat, which I visited yesterday. Nice fellows. And one of them is actually going to attend that meetup too, so that's cool. I'm definitely gonna attend it now. Can't wait for Saturday.
 
SomewhatGroovy said:
Ymmv

I tried it for 5 months before being excluded for being LGBT. You meet people who say "let's hang out" , volunteer their cellphone number and then never do anything. I was actually excluded from our community here in Austin TX (of all places) after being asked to never show again (which created a lot of problems with leadership amongst our local group).

I found far better success by making a beeline to where people congregate to be open minded and accepting. I have garnered more friends in the year since than I could have imagined.

Again, like any community, it varies. Not to say Fetlife doesn't work for others, but it didn't for me. And I am happy to be away from their toxic environment here in Austin.
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WTF, I can't speak for the Fetlife group specifically, but that doesn't sound like Austin in general at all, and I live there.
 
SomewhatGroovy said:
It's isn't reflective of the culture here at all. Far more clique-ish. In the FL group here, people have a One track mind/ agenda and if you don't fit into it, you'really getting in the way.

I live here too btw. This is the meet up which takes place on Thursdays at the hideout
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The hideout?

Not something I am familiar with.
 
I've always wanted to meet more BDSM-minded people or go to a munch, but it's a really daunting step.

Doesn't help that I don't really live a place where I could find one.
 
Darksol said:
Which country is that?
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Portugal. No BDSM clubs (the few that existed all closed down), no munches. Very few BDSM events throughout the year.

Fetlife has generally served me well i guess. Most of the fetlife groups are deader than dead but at least in individual activity isn't so bad.
 
Wow, this thread sure is dead. How come? I can't believe there are so few kinksters on GAF.

Anyway. Since my last posts in here, I still hadn't had the chance to get some SM experience, unfortunately. But I've learned of a certain club/playground not far from my apartment, so hopefully I won't have to wait much longer. (My "curious about" fetish list on Fetlife has become huge in the meantime)

I was just wondering: Is there anything special I could wear that would identify me as a Sub looking for a Dom? I was just browsing O-ring collars, but apparently they mean that you do already have a Dom.
 
backslashbunny said:
People will ask, though I think doms tend to go for the military/formal look and subs usually not as formally dressed (and wear more "fetish" gear).
Click to expand...

Well, I'm new to this, so I don't have any fetish gear at all. I was planning on simply wearing black jeans and a black polo shirt.
 
Nothing like having someone tell you they are into bdsm only to quit after a light paddling.

Turns out enjoying 50 shades of grey and that one time an ex spanked you are not exactly qualifiers.

*sigh*
 
NoRéN;206694827 said:
Nothing like having someone tell you they are into bdsm only to quit after a light paddling.

Turns out enjoying 50 shades of grey and that one time an ex spanked you are not exactly qualifiers.

*sigh*
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only the m in bdsm is about truly enjoying pain. even if you are into spanking, that does not mean you are a masochist. there is also a degrading and submissive element to a spanking.
I believe it's the top's fault if they are going to far. try to take it easy. and a bare handed spanking is fun, too. has a more personal touch so to say.
 
Moff said:
only the m in bdsm is about truly enjoying pain. even if you are into spanking, that does not mean you are a masochist. there is also a degrading and submissive element to a spanking.
I believe it's the top's fault if they are going to far. try to take it easy. and a bare handed spanking is fun, too. has a more personal touch so to say.
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Been doing this for a while. Not looking for an explanation on definitions. More just venting about a disappointing threesome.
 
Lol there's a new initiate up in here


Really glad you enjoyed yourself DP

Edit: I could have sworn this thread was in community. Did it get moved back to OT at some point or am I just dumb?
 
tearsofash said:
Are any of you open about this stuff in public? Have you had any unforeseen consequences?
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Sometimes I'll wear my collar in public. Usually people don't even acknowledge it. One time a 711 cashier asked me a bunch of invasive questions and as I was leaving shouted "you look like a dog!" (I'm more into kitten petplay but whatever)
 
That reminds me, I had an ex that made me wear a collar. It was a nice collar. I wore it to work all the time, and sometimes customers would make barking noises at me. It was really embarrassing. I guess that's what you gotta deal with when you wear stuff like that though, lol.
 
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