Mr. Spinnington
Banned
Oh make us all look small COLLEGE GUYTamanon said:
::mutter:: ; p
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The best lame joke ever.
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::mutter:: ; p
A man walks into a bar carrying a box, and says to the barman, "If I show you something really amazing, something you've never seen before, can I have a free pint of beer?"
The barman thinks for a moment, and agrees. "But it'll have to be really amazing."
So the man puts the box down on the bar and opens it, and inside there's a small scale grand piano, and a little man wearing a suit. The man sits down at the tiny little grand piano, and starts playing a selection of well-known classical tunes.
By then the barman's already pulling the pint. "A deal's a deal," he says. "But where did you get him?"
"Well," explains the man, packing away the box, "I met my fairy godmother yesterday, and she said I could have one wish."
"And you wished for that?"
"Well, you know, I think she must be a little deaf, because I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist..."
The barman thinks for a moment, and agrees. "But it'll have to be really amazing."
So the man puts the box down on the bar and opens it, and inside there's a small scale grand piano, and a little man wearing a suit. The man sits down at the tiny little grand piano, and starts playing a selection of well-known classical tunes.
By then the barman's already pulling the pint. "A deal's a deal," he says. "But where did you get him?"
"Well," explains the man, packing away the box, "I met my fairy godmother yesterday, and she said I could have one wish."
"And you wished for that?"
"Well, you know, I think she must be a little deaf, because I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist..."
IAmtheFMan
Member
Hmmm... this thread is kinda fluctuating between a lame joke thread and a tasteless joke thread. Man that tasteless joke thread a while back was wrong but hilarious at the same time.
Ninja Scooter
Member
Prince walks under a bar.
Guy 1: "You know yesterday I fell into a pool full of chocolate and started to drown."
Guy 2: "What?! Are you ok? How'd you get out."
Guy 1: "I just shouted 'FIRE!!!' and someone came and rescued me."
Guy 2: "What? Why'd you shout fire??"
Guy 1: "Well duh, no one would've come if I had shouted CHOCOLATE!!!"
Guy 2: "What?! Are you ok? How'd you get out."
Guy 1: "I just shouted 'FIRE!!!' and someone came and rescued me."
Guy 2: "What? Why'd you shout fire??"
Guy 1: "Well duh, no one would've come if I had shouted CHOCOLATE!!!"
A rabbit walks into a bar. "Do you serve food?" asks the rabbit.
"Why, certainly we do," replies the barkeeper. "But the chef's gone home for the day, so all I can do is toasties."
"That's fine," replies the rabbit. "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese toasty." The barman serves him, and he goes and sits at a corner table.
Half an hour later he's back at the bar. "Another pint of beer and a ham toasty, please," says the rabbit. Again, he's served and heads back to his table to eat and drink.
After another half an hour or so the rabbit returns to the bar again. "Can I have a pint of beer and a chicken toasty, please," he asks. He pays, heads back to his table, and drops dead.
The barman's quite understandably shocked by this, but he doesn't want the health and safety people to shut down his bar, and he figures that nobody will miss a rabbit, so he quietly buries him in the beer garden, and the next day he opens as usual.
But late that night there's a roll of thunder and a flash of lightning, and all the lights in the bar go out. And in through the door walks the ghost of the rabbit from the night before. The customers run screaming, but the barman's trapped behind the bar with nowhere to go. "I'm so s-s-sorry," he stammers, "the beer m-must have been off."
"Nope," says the rabbit.
"Then it was the cheese," hazards the barman. "I knew I should have thrown it out, but it was only a day past its sell by date."
"It wasn't the cheese," replies the rabbit.
"Then what was it?" asks the barman. "What exactly did you die of?"
"Mixin' my toasties."
"Why, certainly we do," replies the barkeeper. "But the chef's gone home for the day, so all I can do is toasties."
"That's fine," replies the rabbit. "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese toasty." The barman serves him, and he goes and sits at a corner table.
Half an hour later he's back at the bar. "Another pint of beer and a ham toasty, please," says the rabbit. Again, he's served and heads back to his table to eat and drink.
After another half an hour or so the rabbit returns to the bar again. "Can I have a pint of beer and a chicken toasty, please," he asks. He pays, heads back to his table, and drops dead.
The barman's quite understandably shocked by this, but he doesn't want the health and safety people to shut down his bar, and he figures that nobody will miss a rabbit, so he quietly buries him in the beer garden, and the next day he opens as usual.
But late that night there's a roll of thunder and a flash of lightning, and all the lights in the bar go out. And in through the door walks the ghost of the rabbit from the night before. The customers run screaming, but the barman's trapped behind the bar with nowhere to go. "I'm so s-s-sorry," he stammers, "the beer m-must have been off."
"Nope," says the rabbit.
"Then it was the cheese," hazards the barman. "I knew I should have thrown it out, but it was only a day past its sell by date."
"It wasn't the cheese," replies the rabbit.
"Then what was it?" asks the barman. "What exactly did you die of?"
"Mixin' my toasties."
DCharlie
And even i am moderately surprised
Davey and Christian , both prawns living deep in a sea somewhere, are hanging out thier prawny mates deep out at see
"christ, i'm BORED with being a prawn," says Davey.
"Know what you mean" says Christian "sitting around eatting crap , mates getting eaten, we don't even look cool .... it's pretty dull."
"Yeah, i've decided i'm going to go and search for Cod" says Davey "i want to change my life" and with that, Davey swims off into the sea.
After months of swimming, he actually finds Cod.
"Wow - COD , i can't believe i found you. Listen , i'm sick of being a prawn. Can you change me into something else?"
"Sure" says Cod " what would you like to be?"
"Well, i wanna be cool, and fast, able to swim and i want some respect. So i'd like to be a shark"
*poof* And Cod turns Davey into a shark.
Davey is exstatic - he spends weeks swims fast everywhere, eats everything in site.
One day , he's chasing a load of prawns who swim and hide under a rock
"Come out you little bastards , i'm starving!" shouts Davey
From under the rock comes a reply "Davey.... is that YOU?" utters a frightened Christian.
"it's okay Christian, come out - i won't eat you"
"... errr.... yeah... right... "
"Come on, come out i've got so much to tell you"
"NO WAY... i come out and you eat me. Listen, just piss off and leave us alone."
Davey is shocked - oh my god, i could have been about to eat my friends! thinks Davey "and now none of them want to know , what have i become?".
Absolutely devestated at what he was going to do , Davey goes in search of Cod and quickly finds him
"Cod - i made a mistake - please - change me back?"
Cod muses "Davey - have you learned the error of your ways - we are born into these things. You are a prawn and always will be - being a shark is a lot different."
And with a poof of magic, Cod turns Davey back into a prawn.
Davey happily swims back to where he saw his friends and says
"Christian, guys, it's me - i'm not a shark anymore"
Christian : "... ha ha - we aren't falling for that one! You just want us to come out so you can eat us."
Davey : "No - i promise it's not like that!"
Christian : "... no, just piss off we aren't coming out."
Davey : "No... i went to see Cod, and he showed me what i was doing was wrong. Please understand.....
I'm a prawn again Christian"
(typing out this joke made me realise how shit it is!)
"christ, i'm BORED with being a prawn," says Davey.
"Know what you mean" says Christian "sitting around eatting crap , mates getting eaten, we don't even look cool .... it's pretty dull."
"Yeah, i've decided i'm going to go and search for Cod" says Davey "i want to change my life" and with that, Davey swims off into the sea.
After months of swimming, he actually finds Cod.
"Wow - COD , i can't believe i found you. Listen , i'm sick of being a prawn. Can you change me into something else?"
"Sure" says Cod " what would you like to be?"
"Well, i wanna be cool, and fast, able to swim and i want some respect. So i'd like to be a shark"
*poof* And Cod turns Davey into a shark.
Davey is exstatic - he spends weeks swims fast everywhere, eats everything in site.
One day , he's chasing a load of prawns who swim and hide under a rock
"Come out you little bastards , i'm starving!" shouts Davey
From under the rock comes a reply "Davey.... is that YOU?" utters a frightened Christian.
"it's okay Christian, come out - i won't eat you"
"... errr.... yeah... right... "
"Come on, come out i've got so much to tell you"
"NO WAY... i come out and you eat me. Listen, just piss off and leave us alone."
Davey is shocked - oh my god, i could have been about to eat my friends! thinks Davey "and now none of them want to know , what have i become?".
Absolutely devestated at what he was going to do , Davey goes in search of Cod and quickly finds him
"Cod - i made a mistake - please - change me back?"
Cod muses "Davey - have you learned the error of your ways - we are born into these things. You are a prawn and always will be - being a shark is a lot different."
And with a poof of magic, Cod turns Davey back into a prawn.
Davey happily swims back to where he saw his friends and says
"Christian, guys, it's me - i'm not a shark anymore"
Christian : "... ha ha - we aren't falling for that one! You just want us to come out so you can eat us."
Davey : "No - i promise it's not like that!"
Christian : "... no, just piss off we aren't coming out."
Davey : "No... i went to see Cod, and he showed me what i was doing was wrong. Please understand.....
I'm a prawn again Christian"
(typing out this joke made me realise how shit it is!)
Mama Smurf
My penis is still intact.
Linford Christie looks round a golf club and, liking what he sees, applies to become a member.
"I'm sorry sir," says the owner, "but we only allow white members here."
"What! That's ridiculous! I just want to play a round of golf every so often, what does it matter what colour my skin is?" Linford angrily replied.
"Like I said sir, I am sorry but unless you're white you can't play here, though there's a golf club 10 minutes down the road that has no restrictions."
"But...I'm Linford Christie!"
"Alright," says the exasperated owner, "5 minutes down the road!"
"I'm sorry sir," says the owner, "but we only allow white members here."
"What! That's ridiculous! I just want to play a round of golf every so often, what does it matter what colour my skin is?" Linford angrily replied.
"Like I said sir, I am sorry but unless you're white you can't play here, though there's a golf club 10 minutes down the road that has no restrictions."
"But...I'm Linford Christie!"
"Alright," says the exasperated owner, "5 minutes down the road!"
A: "Banana."ronito said:
B: "Banana who?"
A: "Knock knock."
B: "Who's there?"
A: "Banana."
B: "Banana who?"
A: "Knock knock."
B: "Who's there?"
A: "Banana."
B: "Banana who?"
A: "Knock knock."
B: "Who's there?"
A: "Orange."
B: "Orange who?"
A: "Orange you glad we got rid of all those bananas?"
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