"I assure you, I'll continue to work hard to not bring shame upon the MacDowell name." and "it's our duty to expose their grim and revolting delusions for what they are." both got a bit of an eye quirk from me. Those are just kind of awkward to say, and I'm reasonably sure those lines could be rewritten in a way that feels like someone would actually be saying them. Or in a way that doesn't give you a decent sense of how it was phrased in Japanese. Lloyd's line in particular is a bit stilted, I really think you could have picked something other than 'grim and revolting' for that.
Again, it's a great improvement from what we have now, and definitely impressive as a fan work, but I mean, I'd still much prefer something XSEED handled themselves.