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[Malyse]

We can begin, as most discussions of sex in America do, with data from the Kinsey Institute. The Kinsey Institute repurposes and discusses 2017 data from the CDC, which says the average age of “first intercourse” (more on what that means later) in men is 16.8, while women, on average, have intercourse for the first time at 17.2.

The Jacobs Institute of Women’s Health corroborates this data, though it simplifies the number and says most Americans, as we did in the 1960s, first have sex around age 18. Unlike previous generations, however, we don’t tend to marry the first person we have sex with, and we continue having sex at varying rates until our late twenties, when the majority of young Americans who get married decide to do so.

Of course, these statistics are based on a heteronormative (and many would say misogynist) definition of virginity. To solely define the loss of virginity in terms of whether you have penetrated someone’s vagina with your penis doesn’t leave much room for those who don’t want penetrative sex to describe or validate their experiences. Jacques Derrida called this phenomenon — basing the entire world’s understanding of the human condition around the specific experiences of men — “phallogocentrism.”

Though many organizations have tried in recent years to develop a more nuanced definition of virginity — one that makes room for sexual behaviors which don’t involve a penis — no one definition has really taken root in the zeitgeist. It’s difficult to get people of varying genders to agree on a definition when there are even inconsistencies across generations: In 1999, the Kinsey Institute reported that only a slight majority of Americans over the age of 60 believed sex using a condom counted as sex. That means, many Olds think you can go buck wild having hot “not sex” with whoever you want because the purpose of that activity isn’t procreation. That explains why the casual sex rate at retirement homes is reportedly through the roof.

More confusing data emerged from that Kinsey Institute study: 11 percent of the survey respondents didn’t consider an act “sex” if the man involved didn’t have an orgasm. What was that term again? Oh yeah, phallogocentrism. Not only does a penis have to be involved in this instance for people to call it sex, but that penis has to ejaculate semen in order to earn its role in the proceedings.

Hanne Blank, author of Virgin: The Untouched History, told Broadly in 2016 that queer women tend to define the loss of virginity with whether one has experienced an orgasm with the help of a partner. It sucks to police the attempts of a marginalized group to define its own experience, but once orgasms are introduced into the virginity equation, things get even stickier. In 2014, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported that less than 63 percent of women experience orgasms with familiar partners. Women having sex (of any definition) with new partners are far less likely to have an orgasm; the American Sociological Review reported in 2012 that less than 40 percent of women surveyed said they had an orgasm with their last casual sexual partner. If we’re searching for a way for women to define virginity loss without men, an orgasm isn’t the place to hang our hats, either, simply because the female orgasm doesn’t come as easily as the male one, even in loving, supportive situations.

In a hilariously titled project called the Had Sex Study in 2010, the Sexual Health journal found that 45 percent of people surveyed considered any manual-genital manipulation to be “sex” (though even the definition of “manipulation” is up in the air — if you smack someone in the balls with your hand, is that sex? if you shake someone’s penis once, firmly, like a handshake, is that sex, or are we going with a Good Charlotte definition? 71 percent of people surveyed called oral sex “sex,” and only 81 percent of people thought anal sex was “sex,” which means 19 percent of the survey respondents think all gay men are virgins.

In 2015, a study by San Diego State University determined that Generation X and Baby Boomers tended to cram in more sexual partners before getting married at an earlier age than millennials do, although the millennial generation doesn’t tend to put the same constraints on itself as far as young marriage. Perhaps because earlier generations felt pressure to get married as soon as possible, they auditioned a bunch of candidates (10-11 on average) before settling down with one in their early 20s. Because the average age of virginity loss has pretty much stayed the same across generations (17-18), that means our parents and grandparents were fucking around like rabbits for three or so years before cooling off, whereas, on average, we tend to take our time committing to anyone, and we have a whole lot of casual sexual activity, which many of us are hesitant to call sex at all.

https://www.inverse.com/article/32446-sex-first-time-virginity-age

On a related note, Slate has calculators to let you know if your number of sexual partners is above average, and whether you have sex as often as your peers do.

On an unrelated note, Luke Skywalker Is Definitely a Virgin, and Here’s Why

 

[Zaru]

Who are these people who think anal sex isn't sex, condom sex isn't sex and sex without the guy finishing isn't sex????

 

[Yoshimitsu126]

Came in to this thread to feel bad about myself.

Left with a better understanding about the matter.

Also Luke is wizard and a jedi? Cool.

Hey that calculator thing shows I'm not too entirely alone!

 

[Count Dookkake]

"But once orgasms are introduced... things get even stickier."

 

[Evil John Locke]

In the dining room with a candlestick

 

[Astral Dog]

Im above average? 😃

 

[adamantypants]

More proof baby boomers had it better than millenials (if you like casual sex)

 

[alr1ght]

Who are these people who think anal sex isn't sex, condom sex isn't sex and sex without the guy finishing isn't sex????

religious people

 

[sphagnum]

On an unrelated note, Luke Skywalker Is Definitely a Virgin, and Here’s Why

This article is incorrect, as it states that if Luke was a virgin during RotJ he would have to be one forever since he becomes a Jedi. The Jedi were not celibate - they could have sex, just not emotional or romantic attachments.

 

[megarockexe]

Where's the graph of this? I remember seeing it somewhere but I don't remember. Either way, I'm in the 5% or so of my peers, which I fully expected.

 

[Psychoward]

"You've done the deed with more people than 94 percent of your peers."


Oops

Spoiler

turn 21 in November, 14 total

 

[Secret Fawful]

Giving someone a firm handshake on their penis is certainly a new form of sex I'd never considered before, though I feel it wouldn't be very fun for either party, especially if you have an iron grip.

 

[GamerJM]

7 percent of your peers have also had no sexual partners.

For some reason I thought it was higher, what with all of the religious people in this country + other nerds with no social lives. Not that it matters.

 

[MGrant]

Who are these people who think anal sex isn't sex, condom sex isn't sex and sex without the guy finishing isn't sex????

It's bizarre. Here in Taiwan it's codified by law that only vaginal sex involving a penis counts as sex for purposes of determining if adultery was committed. So, married people, feel free to enjoy all the extramarital handies, footies, and trips to brown town you want.

 

[mf.luder]

Supreme gentlemen never lose it.

 

[Dreadnought]

23 percent of your peers have also had no sexual partners.

I'm 20

 

[Chris R]

Supreme gentlemen never lose it.

Damn straight

 

[Monocle]

Like most people in the midwest, I lost mine while raking the lawn on a pogo stick.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Of course, these statistics are based on a heteronormative (and many would say misogynist) definition of virginity. To solely define the loss of virginity in terms of whether you have penetrated someone’s vagina with your penis doesn’t leave much room for those who don’t want penetrative sex to describe or validate their experiences. Jacques Derrida called this phenomenon — basing the entire world’s understanding of the human condition around the specific experiences of men — “phallogocentrism.”

Though many organizations have tried in recent years to develop a more nuanced definition of virginity — one that makes room for sexual behaviors which don’t involve a penis — no one definition has really taken root in the zeitgeist. It’s difficult to get people of varying genders to agree on a definition when there are even inconsistencies across generations: In 1999, the Kinsey Institute reported that only a slight majority of Americans over the age of 60 believed sex using a condom counted as sex. That means, many Olds think you can go buck wild having hot “not sex” with whoever you want because the purpose of that activity isn’t procreation. That explains why the casual sex rate at retirement homes is reportedly through the roof.

More confusing data emerged from that Kinsey Institute study: 11 percent of the survey respondents didn’t consider an act “sex” if the man involved didn’t have an orgasm. What was that term again? Oh yeah, phallogocentrism. Not only does a penis have to be involved in this instance for people to call it sex, but that penis has to ejaculate semen in order to earn its role in the proceedings.

That's interesting, and something I haven't really thought about much. Because based on the traditional "penis into vagina" definition, I lost my virginity at 19. But I had fooled around with male friends starting when I was 13. I just never considered it losing my virginity because it didn't involve putting my penis into a vagina.

And I'm smack at the 50th percentile (51st, actually) for the number of partners. Take that you prudes and sluts!

 

[The_Kid]

Definitions of what counts as sex are still pretty up in the air. While it isn't just penetration for most people, finding that specific line is difficult.

As it is, the concept of virginity is completely outdated.

 

[AlimNassor]

I'll tell you when I do lose it. I'm nearing 30 and have had no luck.

 

[Skellig Gra]

 

[Secret Fawful]

Like most people in the midwest, I lost mine while raking the lawn on a pogo stick.

That's better than mine, where my hospital gurney rolled out of my ambulance, down a freeway, through a mall, and flipped me through an open window into a pencil sharpener factory.

 

[hey_monkey]

I'll tell you when I do lose it. I'm nearing 30 and have had no luck.

I was the first for my husband! And he's a fine dude. Right person, situation, etc.

 

[Reverend Funk]

Does fingerbanging count as sex

 

[Monocle]

That's better than mine, where my hospital gurney rolled out of my ambulance, down a freeway, through a mall, and flipped me through an open window into a pencil sharpener factory.

Man, I hate it when that happens.

 

[Maximo]

Supreme gentlemen never lose it.

 

[Foffy]

Definitions of what counts as sex are still pretty up in the air. While it isn't just penetration for most people, finding that specific line is difficult.

As it is, the concept of virginity is completely outdated.

Maybe it's better to look at sexual experiences -- arousing, playful stuff -- and not a throbbing hard line for what counts. For example, if penetration is canon, are lesbians permavirgins if they abandon props?

Granted, the idea of virginity is outdated because it's mostly a concept. You don't lose virginity, because virginity is a think, not a thing. It's a concept, a thought, not an actual organ on your body that cums and goes.

 

[rtcn63]

On an unrelated note, Luke Skywalker Is Definitely a Virgin, and Here’s Why

But if he goes around punching people in the crotch, that counts right?

 

[hey_monkey]

heh. I'm 97. Husbro is 4. HI, I'M A WALKING STEREOTYPE, NICE TO MEET YOU.

I do think the OP's article is really fascinating. I was uncertain about my first sexual experience for a long time because he didn't finish. I was like... did it count? What am I? People get so hung up on details because sex is still such an underdiscussed topic, at least in any helpful way.

 

[Vital Tundra]

Ive had sex with more people than 24% of my peers at 23 (2 people). And I have had sex more frequently than 75% of respondents (2-3 times a week).

Guess you could say Im a stud.... With my wife....

 

[hydrophilic attack]

the Kinsey Institute reported that only a slight majority of Americans over the age of 60 believed sex using a condom counted as sex. That means, many Olds think you can go buck wild having hot “not sex” with whoever you want because the purpose of that activity isn’t procreation. That explains why the casual sex rate at retirement homes is reportedly through the roof.

 

[NESpowerhouse]

20 now. Still waiting.

EDIT: Also never had a girlfriend period. What are my odds within the next 10 years? I graduate college in 2.

 

[How About No]

Two years til wizardom. Just gotta hang in there

In a hilariously titled project called the Had Sex Study in 2010

Doesn't matter had study

 

[Angry Grimace]

20 now. Still waiting.

What server is your main on

 

[Kyrios]

"4 percent of your peers have also had no sexual partners."

 

[Clockwork]

I was 18. My girlfriend of 2 years wanted to wait until she was 18 so we did. It happened in my bedroom after some DVD and chill (this was circa 1998).

 

[SolVanderlyn]

What server is your main on

Eredar, it says it right there.

 

[Psychoward]

Amazing

 

[Clockwork]

Does fingerbanging count as sex

No.

 

[Generalpsyduck]

Still trying but it's real fucking hard to meet people when you have autism.

 

[MGrant]

Does fingerbanging count as sex

In my opinion, yes. But a lot of people will say no.

 

[Ogodei]

27 going on 28 and i've never gotten remotely close.

At this point i figure i'm so fucked by inexperience that i might as well just let the chips fall where they may. In a few years i'll just start trying for marriage where the expectations shift. Playing the field in the meantime, but internet dating is getting me barely further than all my years of not trying at all.

Somewhat on the short side (5'8"), not heavy (range between 150 and 160 seasonally), not ugly as far as i can tell aside from an acne problem that flares up from time to time. The biggest issue is probably that i didn't ask a single girl out from the ages of 13 to 21, and then not again until 25. Wasted the prime years simply not trying or caring.

 

[shoelacer]

with a cheeseburger and then we clap

 

[The_Kid]

Maybe it's better to look at sexual experiences -- arousing, playful stuff -- and not a throbbing hard line for what counts. For example, if penetration is canon, are lesbians permavirgins if they abandon props?

Granted, the idea of virginity is outdated because it's mostly a concept. You don't lose virginity, because virginity is a think, not a thing. It's a concept, a thought, not an actual organ on your body that cums and goes.

The hard line more matters in a philosophical sense. When questions of immoral actions involving sex come into play its better to know a criteria for what counts as sex, which can depend on individual interpretation.

 

[GamerJM]

Still trying but it's real fucking hard to meet people when you have autism.

Even if you do meet people it's still hard if you're autistic. I was going to hook up with a woman I met up with a few weeks ago but I screwed everything up when we first met up by acting really awkward and screwing up basic social norms (forgetting to say hi, doing a bad job of walking her to my apartment).

 

[Pilgrimzero]

18. With a girl who was also my first kiss.

She cried afterwards.

She really wanted my best friend at the time.

 

[Chaos2Frozen]

One girl turned suddenly toward our group, clearly annoyed with our naiveté. “Just don’t let him put it in your butt,” she practically spat. “He’ll say it feels good, but it doesn’t.”

Wat wat in the butt?

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Harry Potter is a wizard and has had sex.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

oh god 20 is the point of no return?