During the height of the pandemic whilst everywhere was locked down.
I was a bearer at a funeral care company. We had a big service that day where a husband past away and two days later his wife did. The family had organized a double funeral.
This funeral was an absolute pain as it was a church service taking place in a small village. Everybody knew them. The family wanted the hearses and limbos to go around the hot spots the couple used to frequent. I.e where they met, where they had dates, dancing etc etc.
Fortunately I wasn't a driver that day so I had all the easy roles (maybe not so fortunate). Get to the church beforehand and make sure everything is set up right.
As it was a large funeral, it was myself and three others doing these tasks and one of my co-workers actually lived in said village. We had a long wait at the church for everyone to arrive so my co-worker invites us around to his where his wife would make us
some cappuccinos
.
I had not drunk a cappuccino for many years but for some reason I couldn't remember why.......
30 Minutes go by and we head back to the church, do a final check and then line up ready for the convoy to arrive. About a minute after I had lined up, my stomach immediately starts doing flips.
Then like a vision for god I remember why I don't drink these brews that the devil had spawned. It gives me explosive diarrhea.
I start sweating and panicking. I look down the road and see no sign of the convoy yet. I quickly head into church and ask the very old and very slow priest if I can use his toilet.
He bumbles around for a few minutes looking for the key to the outside (very dilapidated and teaming with spiders) toilet. "ohh i'm not sure where the key is oohhh ohhh".
I quickly look outside and the convoy had just turned the corner and was heading up. "fuck"
I get back inline and cast away my nihilist attitude by praying to what ever god is around that I don't shit my pants in the middle of this service.
Hearses and limbos pull up. Everybody bows bar myself. I'm not risking that. The other bearers proceed to take the flowers out of the hearses and take them into the church. Not me.
I'm not fucking moving until I absolutely have to. Not until that dreaded moment where I have to put a coffin on my shoulder and walk inside. This will be my moment of men from the boys.
I might also add that the other bearers have noticed there is something wrong with me. They keep giving me odd looks. One of them keeps asking what the matter is. I'm stone cold silent. Buddhist monks would envy my concentration.
It's game time. We take the coffin out from the hearse, lift it on our shoulders and link arms.
By this point i'm dripping in sweat. My stomach is going nuts and very audible.
We begin to walk. Me and the bearer I've linked with are at the feet end of the coffin (The front) so we (or I should say i'm) setting the pace of how we walk. It was not a slow respectable pace.
We get up the yard and to the church doorway. I can see the Funeral Director wasn't happy. By this point I think the other bearers have figured out what the matter is.
Now I have to walk slow as the FD is in front and setting the pace.
Every god dame step felt like a life time. I'm gushing in sweat now. It's dripping off me. My ass is holding a Kraken and it wants out. I'm practically going blind by how tense I was.
We get about three quarters down the aisle and horror hits. Something had happened down their. Nothing to be noticed by others yet. But I know something has happened. Either that is sweat going down my leg or......
We get to the alter.
Now normally you would place the coffin on some stands and place the flowers around it. Make sure everything is right. Wait until the FD is ready and we would all bow in unison. Not today chum.
We place the coffin down. I 180 spin on my heel, walk around the aisle and immediately head for the door. I'm outside. I'm eyeing up grave stones and bushes. Morals and dignity are for better people than I at this point.
There are other people outside who can't come into church because of fucking covid.
I spy a pub a little ways down the road. Of course it's going to be closed. That feeling and sensation is getting much worse by this point. I'm holding on for dear life.
I take off in a mad dash down the road. I've got a good 40 mins to sort this red alert situation before I have to go back into the church.
I start hammering on the pub door like a psycho. "let me in, let me in, let me in. Please god you've got to let me in."
Like a fucking Angel a woman appear leaning out of an upstairs window. "Are you OK lovie?"
I plead with her to let me use her fertilitys. She can see i'm in pain. Anyone could by this point. I looked a fucking mess.
She hurry's down to let me in and directs me to the toilets.
I destroyed that toilet. I think I lost a stone in just 30 seconds. I felt like I needed an I.V drip.
Thank fuck the pub was closed as I need that toilet to myself. It was a fucking massacre in their.
Pant's are ruined.
Mess down my leg.
Bad smell.
All the general horrors you can think of for that general situation.
I cleaned myself up as best as I could using the sink (basically having a bath in it), toilet roll and soaps at hand.
It looked like a murder had taken place. I felt so bloody guilty. I went out and explained to the landlady what had happened and profusely apologized.
She bursts out laughing and says don't worry about it. She says she hates her cleaner anyways. She then offers me a pint. "Could I just get a water please".
That woman was a gift from fucking god.
I’m not sure I could’ve made it through all of this.. I would’ve made a mad dash to nearest bush and squatted there.
