don't we all wonder that?
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don't we all wonder that?
thesoapster
Member
Recently I saw an old acquaintance at a NYE party - someone who was a boss/mentor to a girl I had asked out ~2.5 years ago. Back then, I had met her at a meetup at a bar and we talked for an hour or two. She was going to be working on the same work campus as me, and I asked her if she'd like to get some coffee, and she immediately said yes. The best arrangement we could work out (as she didn't have her own transportation at the time) was me picking her up right after work and going out to a coffee shop. We were getting ready to leave when this boss/mentor guy and another scientist told her she needed to go to some seminar right then. She looked confused etc. and it smelled a bit like bullshit at the time. Either way, she said she was sorry and that she couldn't go that day, so I asked when she thought she'd want to go. She said she was busy and not sure. I asked if she wanted to let me know when she was free, and she said that would be good. I never heard from her (more thoughts on this later). When I occasionally did bump into her while working she seemed non-talkative and disinterested. I saw her in town getting a drink with some guy a couple months later. I figured she had had a couple drinks, then reality hit a few days later when I showed up.
So, back to the recent NYE party. This boss/mentor guy was talking about stuff that involved her. I asked if she was doing well in her grad program (she's not around this area). He said yeah, said she was doing well, blahblah. Then he said, "You know, you should get in contact with her." I said nah, was just curious, etc. He pressed again, "No, you really should." Me: "Why????" Him: "Man, she liked you!!" Me: "...bullshit, what are you even saying?" Him: "Back when you asked her out I didn't know who you were and I didn't approve of you, so I made up things so she wouldn't be able to go out." Me: "...what the fuck?? When I did see her she was never interested and she never got back to me..." Him: "Oh she was. You just had to ask her again. She talked about you for a few weeks, wondering if you'd ask her out again."
I mean, this was a couple years ago, so I'm not overly upset, but that is fucked up. It did get me thinking about more current times. I've had two recent experiences where I've met girls (at a bar) and both times have gotten their numbers. The latter time she seemed really into me. Both were non-responders. Not only did the latter one seem really into me, but we had practically already talked out a first date (place to go we both enjoy). I texted once.
So now, the question. Am I not "following up" properly? I figured that in all the cases I mentioned (where there was always some level of alcohol involved) that there was no real interest there - they felt somehow obligated to give me a number or go out on a date, but then once the actual time came and they were sober they backed away. Obviously it's time to call it quits if she gives an actual rejection. But what does one do with silence? I could wait a few days or a week and try again, but I don't want to spend time trying to pursue someone in a situation that's not going anywhere.
edit: Condensed version - When I get a number, contact her, and don't hear back, should I just drop it as I have been doing, or try again after days pass? If try again and all I get is silence, is that the time to quit?
So, back to the recent NYE party. This boss/mentor guy was talking about stuff that involved her. I asked if she was doing well in her grad program (she's not around this area). He said yeah, said she was doing well, blahblah. Then he said, "You know, you should get in contact with her." I said nah, was just curious, etc. He pressed again, "No, you really should." Me: "Why????" Him: "Man, she liked you!!" Me: "...bullshit, what are you even saying?" Him: "Back when you asked her out I didn't know who you were and I didn't approve of you, so I made up things so she wouldn't be able to go out." Me: "...what the fuck?? When I did see her she was never interested and she never got back to me..." Him: "Oh she was. You just had to ask her again. She talked about you for a few weeks, wondering if you'd ask her out again."
I mean, this was a couple years ago, so I'm not overly upset, but that is fucked up. It did get me thinking about more current times. I've had two recent experiences where I've met girls (at a bar) and both times have gotten their numbers. The latter time she seemed really into me. Both were non-responders. Not only did the latter one seem really into me, but we had practically already talked out a first date (place to go we both enjoy). I texted once.
So now, the question. Am I not "following up" properly? I figured that in all the cases I mentioned (where there was always some level of alcohol involved) that there was no real interest there - they felt somehow obligated to give me a number or go out on a date, but then once the actual time came and they were sober they backed away. Obviously it's time to call it quits if she gives an actual rejection. But what does one do with silence? I could wait a few days or a week and try again, but I don't want to spend time trying to pursue someone in a situation that's not going anywhere.
edit: Condensed version - When I get a number, contact her, and don't hear back, should I just drop it as I have been doing, or try again after days pass? If try again and all I get is silence, is that the time to quit?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Haha, probably I just wish people would be respectful enough to just say how they feel. Soapsters story feels similar that she's really interested, and then falls off. Just say you're not interested if that's it instead of the awkwardly ignoring people.
Exploding8
Member
Like others said, he probably just doesn't want to push you. If you really want to have sex take the lead
i wish man. i feel like a fish being dragged behind a boat. just tell me your thoughts! i actually asked her this and she still didn't give me a straight answer. i won't be hurt or offended, just tell me.
:lol
Just take the lead for once, and fuck him. If everything you've said is true, then he'll be down for it.
Maybe he's just not a confident guy, and needs you to tell him explicitly that you want the D. I mean, it's already very clear (to most guys) that you want it, but some guys need gals to take the lead.
NipplesAndToes23
Member
I'm out of college for good now and I've been wondering how in the hell would I get an opportunity now to get in the sheets with a woman or get to kiss one. When I was in school I was around fine women of every flavor all the time and I plan on working in the game industry and according to my research there are hardly any women working in it and I'm a brother who loves ass, so I know the amount of black women has to be almost non-existent when there are hardly any black men like myself and white women. Online dating ain't shit either.
Man online dating sucks donkey balls. It's more worst then meeting someone in real life. I'm at a point where I will delete them, I get matches but when I strike up an interesting convo, no response lol
It's more of a generational thing unfortunately. It's also probably something they're being overwhelmed with constantly. I've seen friends of mine who are girls have their phones constantly getting okc messages, half of them disgusting. So it's hard not to blame them on being skeptical. But I agree, I feel like 2 years ago people were actually excited to jump into online dating. Now it's this strange, kind of nebulous thing.
Swipe all right if you don't care, swipe quickly left or right based on a quick decision. Don't dive deep into someone's additional pictures unless they seem super interesting. It's not worth the time because most people don't even meet up on Tinder. It's kind of a joke. I also find your chances with talking to someone you're actually genuinely intrigued by are slim. I've gone on 2 dates from it and they both were so boring. There are ladies that I find that are cool but you never get the opportunity.
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Thanks for the advice guys! He ended up texting me back saying he had a great time so I hope that's a good sign. We plan on going to see the babadook in theaters next wednesday, though honestly I'd like to see him a little earlier than that. Do you think it would be weird or too desperate/clingy to ask him out this weekend?
GAF, I am completely dumbfounded about what to do right now. New Years Eve fucked things up in a lot of weird ways.
So New Years Eve I'm out at the bars with some friends, including a close ladyfriend that I've liked a lot for ages. Despite little moments, it's never seemed to really be reciprocated. So anyway, I run into this casual female friend of mine that I've known for a couple years but only talked to a handful of times. I run into that same friend at another bar right after the midnight countdown, and she professes she has a huge crush on me and we end up making out and exchanging numbers and shit. Sweet, right?
Well, it turns out the close ladyfriend got pretty jealous of that, which I discovered later at a party we were all at. And at this same party her and I talked and she ended up kissing me. Sweet, right?
So fast forward to today. I hang out with close lady friend, her sister and her sister's boyfriend. Close ladyfriend stayed in and the rest went out. So after the night ended I texted close lady friend asking if she'd be joining us for our usual weekly get together that happens in the middle of the week. She said no, feeling kinda mopey and didn't think it would be fun.
So I was like, oh I was hoping to talk to you in person at some point but thought maybe arranging a one on one meetup would be weird. And also saying that if she wasn't sure why or what I was talking about I could clarify. She responds that she does but she doesn't think it's right to make out with one person and then flirt with another the same night.
I told her I had no idea this other person was into me, no earthly clue, and that I also had no friggin' clue it would upset her. Had I known I wouldn't have done anything to begin with. And that I haven't even talked to her since then because I wanted to talk to close ladyfriend about things first.
She says I should talk to her and give her a chance. And I'm like if that's so then why did you get jealous? Why kiss me? She reiterates that I should give her a chance and that she's probably worried since she hasn't heard from me.
So I ask why she's doing this, deflecting and not really talking to me. Like what's she afraid of?
No response. So I add this is why I wanted to do this in person, you can't just stop in the middle of a conversation like that, and made sure to clarify I wasn't mad but just frustrated.
And that was that. This really sucks, because I really care about this girl a lot. And obviously she feels similarly to the way I do or otherwise she would've just said as much instead of sidestep it.
So what to do, GAF? I'm so baffled right now.
So New Years Eve I'm out at the bars with some friends, including a close ladyfriend that I've liked a lot for ages. Despite little moments, it's never seemed to really be reciprocated. So anyway, I run into this casual female friend of mine that I've known for a couple years but only talked to a handful of times. I run into that same friend at another bar right after the midnight countdown, and she professes she has a huge crush on me and we end up making out and exchanging numbers and shit. Sweet, right?
Well, it turns out the close ladyfriend got pretty jealous of that, which I discovered later at a party we were all at. And at this same party her and I talked and she ended up kissing me. Sweet, right?
So fast forward to today. I hang out with close lady friend, her sister and her sister's boyfriend. Close ladyfriend stayed in and the rest went out. So after the night ended I texted close lady friend asking if she'd be joining us for our usual weekly get together that happens in the middle of the week. She said no, feeling kinda mopey and didn't think it would be fun.
So I was like, oh I was hoping to talk to you in person at some point but thought maybe arranging a one on one meetup would be weird. And also saying that if she wasn't sure why or what I was talking about I could clarify. She responds that she does but she doesn't think it's right to make out with one person and then flirt with another the same night.
I told her I had no idea this other person was into me, no earthly clue, and that I also had no friggin' clue it would upset her. Had I known I wouldn't have done anything to begin with. And that I haven't even talked to her since then because I wanted to talk to close ladyfriend about things first.
She says I should talk to her and give her a chance. And I'm like if that's so then why did you get jealous? Why kiss me? She reiterates that I should give her a chance and that she's probably worried since she hasn't heard from me.
So I ask why she's doing this, deflecting and not really talking to me. Like what's she afraid of?
No response. So I add this is why I wanted to do this in person, you can't just stop in the middle of a conversation like that, and made sure to clarify I wasn't mad but just frustrated.
And that was that. This really sucks, because I really care about this girl a lot. And obviously she feels similarly to the way I do or otherwise she would've just said as much instead of sidestep it.
So what to do, GAF? I'm so baffled right now.
Pictures that people can post that are shared with all the people they are matched with.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I'd forget about close last friend, that seems like a clusterfuck. You tried and she wouldn't reciprocate. If she's mad then that's her problem, I don't see the point in bending or trying to appease her especially if she keeps telling you to go to the other chick.
ClosingADoor
Member
Just ask if he is free this weekend. If he likes you, he'd be happy to go out sooner. If he's busy, he's busy and you get to see him wednesday anyway.
Text casual female friend for a date. Let close lady friend figure out her own mess. It's not her business who you go out with or make out with. If she wants to go out with you, she should do that, not complain about you flirting with other people.
Ehm... you both seem a bit on edge and should chill. If you open with a joke, add a smiley to avoid confusion.
eh, it was only a half joke. My biggest pet peeve is when girls list a college degree as a requirement for dating, which I see as thinly veiled gold digging. On top of that, she wants only guys who are 6'2"+, which rules out 99% of the population. Plus I figured she would see the 'You're' and get the joke.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
So you insulted her and then got offended when she insulted you back? Maybe you should just not message those people insured of messaging just to lecture about what they should want.
ClosingADoor
Member
So why contact her? What do you get out of it? Some girls have high standards, some guys do the same. No use complaining about it to them, it is the way it is. Seems strange to me to sent something like that and only fuels frustration.
woahhhhhh, slow down there guys. I said it was a joke, hence the whole misspelling. I wasn't trying to insult her. As for why I messaged her? I was hoping it would ultimately lead to sex in the long run :/
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You said it was only half joking and then went on a rant about things you don't like about her... Someone gave you good advice and instead you stated things you dislike about her without meeting or talking to her before.
electricshake
Member
Or, ya know, they want someone well educated so they can have intellectual conversations? Personally I wouldn't really want to date someone who didn't have some form of higher education, and it absolutely has nothing to do with money (I have plenty of my own).
Honestly I don't think online dating is the problem, I think it's you - this plus you had to ask whether it was ok to basically lead someone on...
There was just recently a girl that I was talking with for 2 weeks (started on Tinder, moved to text quickly) that just ignored me. New Year's Eve afternoon I talked to her on the phone for 20 mins. She sent me a pic after she got dressed up before going out, she asked me what I was going to be doing that night then she said "I hope you have a great time
" after I responded with my plans.I sent a happy New Year at 12:20 she responded about 12 hrs later with "Happy New Year!" and that was the last I ever heard from her. Texted once, called about a day later and asked her about making plans for Saturday which she had suggested earlier in the week. Nothing... Oh well! Guess she was just a flake but she was good at making me think she was interested.
My success on Tinder has been all about getting them off Tinder and texting me directly soon. Set a meet up and meet asap only texting to confirm details of meet up if possible. Have to meet up ASAP before something or somebody else pops up. I know my best chance is to get them in person because I am not the most interesting texter and feel like I can never loosen up completely on the phone before I meet someone.
paparazzo
Member
Dumb question probably, but how do you get someone to stop texting you without being rude? I have a date on Friday with a girl I met on Tinder, but she keeps texting me. Would rather save some conversation for the date. I realize the obvious thing is to just stop replying, which I tried, but she ended up texting me again on something else an hour later. Kind of hard not to come off as a dick when it's someone you haven't even met in person yet. She actually seems cool and I think we'll get along great, but I hate having text convos.
I'd hoped after my last reply last night that that was the end of it, but this morning she texts "sorry, fell asleep yadda yadda."
I'd hoped after my last reply last night that that was the end of it, but this morning she texts "sorry, fell asleep yadda yadda."
PorcellainThrill
Member
the joys of online dating
Write "You´re standards are too tall" next time or you know don´t
Member tag in action.
Delay a text, then explain that you have been busy at work etc. and haven't been able to get to you phone as often. Ask her if she wouldn't mind saving some of the good conversation for when you can be with her in person.
Not sure if that'd work, but I think it's polite and gets the point across.
PapaJustify
Member
You did it wrong. You have to consult this thread FIRST, then you write the message. We would have told you that your joke wasn't funny and not easy to catch in the first place.
Basically you are the poster child for why this thread exists xD
stn
Member
Your close friend doesn't like you, she just got jealous and wants to know that you like her more than the other girl. If you've been friends for ages and nothing has yet happened, it won't. Tell her you're going to go out with the new girl, leave it at that.
I get it, lots of people on those sites have high demands. Yes, it comes off as soul-less and shallow when everyone has the same list of shit. Just ignore it and move on. If you're absolutely going to send a joke then at least make it more obvious.Potam said:
Do you know what I do for fun? I list "must be 6'0 to message me
" in my requirements. I get a ton of messages every day with women saying "I'm not 6 feet, I guess I'm not your type 
". Seems obvious that its a joke but nobody gets it...
beat
Member
People are dumb. Definitely most people are dumb. Acting dumb like it's a joke - esp by doing something dumb people do all the time* - to strangers is not going to show that you're smart and unlike the dumb people you're merely mocking, not when they don't know you and most people they talk to on that service really are dumb.
Also, try to think of it the other way around. Some lady messages you saying you're dismissing people as "gold diggers" unfairly, are you going to engage, or think she's a lecturing jackass?
* I know smart people get grammar wrong all the time too.
Also, try to think of it the other way around. Some lady messages you saying you're dismissing people as "gold diggers" unfairly, are you going to engage, or think she's a lecturing jackass?
* I know smart people get grammar wrong all the time too.
I get it, lots of people on those sites have high demands. Yes, it comes off as soul-less and shallow when everyone has the same list of shit. Just ignore it and move on. If you're absolutely going to send a joke then at least make it more obvious.
Do you know what I do for fun? I list "must be 6'0 to message me
I feel like Tinder profiles tend to have more humor attached to them.
Just say something like, "I really enjoy texting with you but would rather get to know you in person" or something to that effect. If the other party is interested, there shouldn't be any problem with that.
Tony Iommi
Banned
Not asking for advice... just giving advice.
If you like a girl, just tell her immediately. Simply as that. The answer will most likely be the same if you wait months or years.
Just tell her. Right now.
If you like a girl, just tell her immediately. Simply as that. The answer will most likely be the same if you wait months or years.
Just tell her. Right now.
electricshake
Member
Nope don't tell her, ask her out instead.
Tony Iommi
Banned
Yeah.
I mean, what I meant to say is that you should ask her out. Just tell her. Don't think about it. The outcome will probably be the same today as if you wait until tomorrow.
paparazzo
Member
Great ideas; thanks. Been a while since I had this kind of attention so I'm a little rusty.
Mr.Gingerlicious
Member
Hello everyone in GAF Land
It's been a while, and I have been bad for posting epic sagas, but this time it will be brief.
Current:
Went out on a (third) date with this Lady, R.
Even though there has been a fair bit of time between dates (this time of year is obviously hectic for most), the time and conversations have been pretty ideal. Last night, based on everything I have been learning (a bit of which has been good advise from users here!) and my gut, I just made a subtle move to gauge where things were going, to save time dancing around and time wasting any later.
I got, what I now call the "just friended". We had the talk there and then, which was great and I felt respected. Fair enough, I wasn't hung up on anything or holding any strong feelings. This time, with this Lady, it was a bit more shocking than the last couple times though.
Question/Thoughts:
Now, I already sort of know that it will be a waste of time thinking about it, moving forward, but what is the story with Ladies doing this whole leading on thing and then just going cold and falling back on the (very fake and transparent) "thought we could be/are just friends" after what can only be described as courting / dates? I know there is a million answers for a million different people, but is there some sort of major dating move I am missing?? (I'll admit I am pretty fresh to modern dating, but I am very good at communication and reading people)
I fully understand and take full responsibility if either party isn't feeling it, and there is a lack of chemistry. I also respect those who just really aren't in the right place for a relationship.
It's just with that all in mind, at least in my and my close friend's experience, some Women seem to play this game with little to no fear of anything. Let's be real, in courtship/relationships/what evers, it is always the Female that holds the power and call the final shots. But it is the Men (in this case) that have to make all the moves and take all the risks. Which is fine, I am a big boy now and can deal, but it does get really really hard being genuine, honest and open and not getting the same back in return.
It's been a while, and I have been bad for posting epic sagas, but this time it will be brief.
Current:
Went out on a (third) date with this Lady, R.
Even though there has been a fair bit of time between dates (this time of year is obviously hectic for most), the time and conversations have been pretty ideal. Last night, based on everything I have been learning (a bit of which has been good advise from users here!) and my gut, I just made a subtle move to gauge where things were going, to save time dancing around and time wasting any later.
I got, what I now call the "just friended". We had the talk there and then, which was great and I felt respected. Fair enough, I wasn't hung up on anything or holding any strong feelings. This time, with this Lady, it was a bit more shocking than the last couple times though.
Question/Thoughts:
Now, I already sort of know that it will be a waste of time thinking about it, moving forward, but what is the story with Ladies doing this whole leading on thing and then just going cold and falling back on the (very fake and transparent) "thought we could be/are just friends" after what can only be described as courting / dates? I know there is a million answers for a million different people, but is there some sort of major dating move I am missing?? (I'll admit I am pretty fresh to modern dating, but I am very good at communication and reading people)
I fully understand and take full responsibility if either party isn't feeling it, and there is a lack of chemistry. I also respect those who just really aren't in the right place for a relationship.
It's just with that all in mind, at least in my and my close friend's experience, some Women seem to play this game with little to no fear of anything. Let's be real, in courtship/relationships/what evers, it is always the Female that holds the power and call the final shots. But it is the Men (in this case) that have to make all the moves and take all the risks. Which is fine, I am a big boy now and can deal, but it does get really really hard being genuine, honest and open and not getting the same back in return.
electricshake
Member
So me and my bf have decided to go away on hol for a few days in Feb which is v exciting. Never been away with a bf before so anyone got any tips or anything? We've been together since November.
ClosingADoor
Member
Like you said, can be a million different reasons. Sometimes it takes a few dates to see if you really like that person. Sometimes the first date is fun, but the one after someone changes their minds. Some guys can't handle rejection very well, so the girl thinks this is easier and prevents a confrontation. Waste of time wondering about it.
Don't fall in the trap of blaming people for this. It only leads to bitterness and frustration. Think of it this way: you had a few dates and those were fun right? So no matter what happens in the future, at least you went out and got a few nice days out of it. And if the dates weren't fun, then there was something wrong anyway.
I don't know about the girls have all the power thing. Yes, it is mostly the guy arranging the date, but plenty of times girls suggest going out or make a move also. Really depends on the person and the situation. And if the only risk is someone saying 'no', then really, what do you have to lose by being the one stepping forward and asking.
Hello everyone in GAF Land
Women often just enjoy the attention and company.
Maybe she wasn't looking for a relationship to begin with. Just move on, like ClosingADoor said.
If you keep hitting the same wall, try spicing things up a little. Get more physical (you need to set things up for that first obviously), show your intentions more straightly and idk what you exactly where going for with 'the talk' but do not ask them verbally what they have in mind with this 'relationship' after a mere three dates. It's super scary for most women because then they actually have to take a side and decide for themselves. Oftentimes they just pull back. All they want is to feel desirable.
Enjoy yourself. It's a vacation after all.
Let yourself go, laugh and have lots of sex.
do you guys think interracial dating is hard to find on these dating apps? i date all kinds of women but im more on the side with dating white women but for some reason they arent attracted to me on there. im an indie kind of guy with hipster tendencies, so here is my profile http://www.okcupid.com/profile/djay19?cf=search_overlay
i dont know I know im attractive but with these results im starting to think otherwise lol
i dont know I know im attractive but with these results im starting to think otherwise lol
really starting to get tired of these datings apps. i got tinder, okcupid, hinge, and match. i swipe and swipe all the time, get a few matches, and message a few people. only got a few responses so far, but i just don't care for these girls at all. they are just a name to me. i would rather get out there and meet them in person. the problem is i work an hour away and at the end of the day i just don't have time to go out and meet people. i hate bars, don't like drinking, and not fond of crowds. feels hopeless.
D
Deleted member 752119
Unconfirmed Member
I don't see the degree thing as gold digging. I'm a guy and had that in my requirements, and preferred ore than a bachelors degree. I have a Ph D and am just not interested in a housewife type and find few undereducated people interesting. I wanted a smart, successful woman to build a life with. Had no luck online, but met one in real life. 😀
ClosingADoor
Member
Sorry to say it, but as a black guy you will have a harder time in online dating. Have a look at the stats http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/race-attraction-2009-2014/
i feel thats just stupid, your dating pool is such much smaller if you only date a specific group of people. and no one cant deny that it is society that controls and tells people what they should be attracted to rather than the individual thinks on their own
stn
Member
Of course. Whether people want to accept it or not, dating a white guy gives you more "status". Its stupid as hell and a very sad reality. I see so many profiles with non-white girls saying "ONLY INTO EURO MEN LOLZ" and I think to myself you're not even Euro yourself! I'm Euro and even I find it odd. Oh well.
electricshake
Member
Oh we do that already, I'm insatiable haha.
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