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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
- Start date
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A one night stand is one night only. Seeing that you have a lot of things in common, it could happen on more than one occasion.
If you want a one night stand, go to his place. That way, its most definitely off your mind.
Flying Toaster
Member
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Wait what? I'm asking if I should tell him I've never previously done something like that. That it was extremely out of character for me.
Flying Toaster
Member
I would let it slide... you guys have an awesome thing going. If it actually means a lot that you are perceived as a person that has never done that you can bring it up. But at the end of the day does it really matter? He likes you and wants to hang out with you.
Neffarias_Bredd
Member
For those of you going on multiple dates, how do you juggle that? Say I'm texting girl 1 and she asks what I'm up to tonight, and I have a date with girl 2, do you tell girl 1? I also have no idea how to tell a girl I went on a date with that I'm not interested anymore.
Flying Toaster
Member
Well you just tell girl 1 that you are busy that evening. If you are not interested in dating someone or you do not feel anything towards them. Let them know, be honest. I would expect they would rather know things just did not spark than to be lead on or completely ignored.
ClosingADoor
Member
"I'm busy, how about day X?" No reason to say you have another date. You're not exclusive, and she could be seeing other people as well.
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Dinner sounds great. What sort of girl is she personality wise? Do you think she's the type to enjoy bowling? Also maybe suggest a different place for dessert afterwards if the conversation is going well.
beat
Member
I dunno, it might be nice to hear something that implies "I like you more than I've ever liked anyone before"?
On the other hand, I don't know that this goes that far towards answering the guy's actual question ("tell me more about who you are"). So... {shrug} I guess I don't know the answer to this one, Arsenic Yellow.
paparazzo
Member
She's somewhat of a workaholic, but seems like she knows how to have fun based on some stories she told me. I'd actually prefer pool and may suggest that instead based on how things go.
stn
Member
Bring it up when you absolutely need to, don't mention it out of the blue. I'd say mention it before sex, not before. I'm not sure how long you two have been dating but it seems like only a few times, hence try to keep things up-beat and fun. Leave the serious stuff for when its very necessary.
@bluenoise
If you're absolutely going to try to meet a girl on the train, I recommend leaving her with your number. You go up, introduce yourself, and say why you're there (ex. you think she's cute). Then tell her to text you if she's interested in coffee, and then leave your number. Its the most painless way to get things done and it avoids all awkwardness.
Flying Toaster
Member
I was about to post something similar to what you stated but honestly came to the same conclusion what does that really ultimately achieve other than it's nice to hear. If she is seeing someone and they show interest and she shows interest does it really matter if this is something out of character for her? I mean its cool that she feels comfortable with him, and she has stated that he is or has had anxiety issues in the past but other than a quick good feeling it really doesn't bring anything solid to the table other than showing how much she really digs the guy. And honesty he should figure that out on his own it shouldn't be spelled out to him.
n64coder
Member
I would back off and let the ball be in her court to respond to you. I find it hard to believe that someone couldn't spend 10 minutes of her day to talk/communicate with you even with stuff going on. No one is constantly busy that they can't spare some time for someone that they care about. I can understand not going on a date until this presentation is done but no communication whatsoever?
I think bringing up your past relationship history is a bad idea until you really have been seeing this person for awhile. There's more interesting stuff to talk about than past relationships or non-relationships.
So how did this conversation go with this girl? Did you just go up and ask for her number? Or have you been engaged in small talk/conversation before you asked? If you see someone often enough on the train, I would try to engage in some small talk/convo before getting her number.
PlayALLtheGames
Banned
It's unnecessary at best. Most guys don't believe girls when they tell them this anyway.
Neffarias_Bredd
Member
She's not texting me to set up a date though, we text somewhat regularly and she is just checking up to see how I'm doing and what I'm up to. Which is why it would be weird for me to just say I'm busy lol
Flying Toaster
Member
Ah, I am sorry for the misunderstanding.
Honestly tell her how life is going. Just leave out the seeing other girls part. No one really likes to hear that you might be seeing others. It is kind of an unspoken understanding that if you go on dates but are not exclusive then of course you are completely free to go on dates with others... still does not help to point that out though.
Unfortunately that's the name of the game, people change their minds constantly. Just play it cool like it was nothing and keep moving forward.
MatrixMan.EXE
Member
I'm very happy to say that she is definitely the former. To the point she's telling me about things that I didn't even know about and recommending me all sorts of stuff to watch and play that I'd never thought to. The relationship we have in that sense is quite self indulgent, in a good way.
I have loads of friends that love their anime, their video games etc, from school and work but it seems to me like she's not had the same luck in that field, which is probably why back at school, I couldn't tell.
n64coder
Member
Just say that you're going out with some friends or something. She doesn't need to know the details. Or say that you got to work late on some project.
i feel ya man, same shit happened to me. i have to say though out of all girls she was and still is the one i like the most. ahh man.
I was sleep deprived and tipsy the other morning after bartending a double on Saturday. I messaged a woman I've crushed on for a while on FB. First I friended her; then I asked her what she was doing; then I told her straight up, "I think you're absolutely stunning. You seem down-to-Earth, and I want to get to know you."
Maybe it was spontaneity, my glibness, or whatever; but she thought it was, "weirdly romantic," and we've been going back and forth since. We're seeing each other tomorrow.
She hasn't passed my racist or liberal test yet, but I will say it's cool seeing the same reaction again and again after telling a woman your clear intentions. This is the third time that I've basically said to myself, "Fuck-it," while in a similar physical and mental condition. All I want to do right now is get to know this woman I've been attracted to for a while and maybe have sex with her if things go right after a few dates.
Hopefully this post inspires others because it has inspired me since I stated my intentions up front with a woman a few months ago from the start. Things, didn't work with her, but it was cool dropping all games and simply stating that I liked her and wanted to see her again.
This approach likely needs a certain personality and look, but it's certainly something to think about when talking to anyone really. I've used it for women and new jobs. In fact, I've gotten a number of jobs off of stating my intentions clearly after a certain point.
Maybe it was spontaneity, my glibness, or whatever; but she thought it was, "weirdly romantic," and we've been going back and forth since. We're seeing each other tomorrow.
She hasn't passed my racist or liberal test yet, but I will say it's cool seeing the same reaction again and again after telling a woman your clear intentions. This is the third time that I've basically said to myself, "Fuck-it," while in a similar physical and mental condition. All I want to do right now is get to know this woman I've been attracted to for a while and maybe have sex with her if things go right after a few dates.
Hopefully this post inspires others because it has inspired me since I stated my intentions up front with a woman a few months ago from the start. Things, didn't work with her, but it was cool dropping all games and simply stating that I liked her and wanted to see her again.
This approach likely needs a certain personality and look, but it's certainly something to think about when talking to anyone really. I've used it for women and new jobs. In fact, I've gotten a number of jobs off of stating my intentions clearly after a certain point.
extremely good advice. it's worked for me as well. i don't like to play games so i state my intentions up front. some like it, some don't. but at least it weeds out the flakey ones.
Flying Toaster
Member
Damn, thanks for this advice. This is something I will keep in mind.
ClosingADoor
Member
Like others said, just tell her you're out with friends. If you are doing an activity on the date, just say that (going ice skating, bowling, watching a movie, whatever). Just don't mention you are with another girl on a date, even though it is perfectly fine, no one wants to hear it. If she is seeing other people, you don't want to hear that either.
Yes.
Some people will still play games, or they're flakey; or whatever, but as long as you're sure of your intentions, you'll know what you will want given the reaction of the person you're telling your intentions to.
As I said in a previous post, a woman approached me on OKC about going out. We went out on two dates and I was pretty up front about what I wanted. She seemed really into me, but has flaked since then. I've moved on and rather than beating around the bush when this new girl asked me why I was messaging her when I had no real connection with her (on FB besides a few mutual friends) I told her I wanted to get to know her and that was really it.
I will say, that this approach has lead to two particular situations where the woman over romanticized my approach. Suddenly I could sense that she thought I was the one after stating my intentions which rubbed me the wrong way. There is a still a game to play, but it's far more simpler and subtler than the one most play.
Yeah it's really unfortunate cause we had a lot of fun talking, oh well.
Hmm I wonder if I should try this approach with this lady...
I wanted to but it seems like it may be forced. What do you guys think?
same here man. i'm pathetic so i go back and read all the chats we had. i just think, what happened?
meh, i say go for it. what is the harm in trying?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
In my opinion, as someone who doesn't do one night stands either (but once - I tried it, realized I needed an emotional connection, and felt both disappointed that it was lackluster and happy that I realized that I don't need to chase sex)...
It's not especially relevant.
I wouldn't bring it up, nor would I expect a partner to bring it up. Prior sexual histories, along with relationship drama, don't need to be discussed, barring the usual suspects, like medical issues. "Who you are" and "where you came from" doesn't necessarily imply prior tendencies with intimacy. It's kind of the converse of bringing up one's hypothetical shitty ex on the first date - yes, that relationship existed and impacted you, and it might be fodder for another, future conversation, but it can most definitely wait.
On the other hand, it's not wrong to bring it up, but I agree with other posters that you two have a budding romance going. And it's okay to enjoy it!
This is the direction I'm thinking of going in. I met a couple girls through Tinder and one of them seems like she'd be a really good fit for me. I don't look at her thinking I can do better and we've already both talked about things for future dates. I feel I'd be trapped with the one I've been seeing for a few weeks. I'd get too comfortable and just stay with her because it's easy. Never thought I'd hear myself saying that, also never thought I'd be giving a girl the "it's not you it's me" speech.
Do you feel guilty or something? Just don't say anything. It would come off as weird to me if you said that, and I wouldn't believe you anyway.
There will be plenty of time to spill your guts like that when/If you 2 end up actually dating.
Why is this difficult? Simply tell her that you're hanging out with a friend.
And yes, if you 2 are actually "dating", then her checking in with you is her way of telling you she wants to see you.
Same here, but I've had to give that speech half a dozen times in three months.
I've received it twice.
Gambit 1138
Banned
So guys I made a booboo. I was getting frustrated not getting any replies on Okcupid so I scoured the internet looking for something funny/witty that I could modify and use just to see if I could get a reply. I ended up stumbling on something that I thought girls might think was cute and so I cut & pasted it and sent it to a gorgeous girl on okc (it was 3AM and I was tired sue me). Surprisingly the girl responded but not at all in the way I expected. The convo went like this
Is there anything I can say to salvage this or at least is there a witty response that I can reply back with? It was just meant to be cute and funny but she took it totally the wrong way.
me said:Hey "Replies very selectively" girl who likes brunch (her profile said she liked brunch), I realize that you probably prefer messages from handsome football players or Latin dance instructors, but you should still definitely respond to me. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? If it doesn't work out, you can just tell your friends that you spoke with a normal guy for once and you can all have a good laugh.
her said:
Is there anything I can say to salvage this or at least is there a witty response that I can reply back with? It was just meant to be cute and funny but she took it totally the wrong way.
Isn't not being yourself like the worst thing you can do?
Not trying to be a dick, but being yourself is what girls want. If you're not naturally a funny guy than find something else you're good at and use that to your advantage. Otherwise you'll keep running into problems like this where you use A to get B and then don't know what to say to B because you're not really A.
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Well yesterday I went to get coffee with the girl who hosted the NYE party and found out some interesting things. There was anoter girl at the party, my friend's roommate. I had never met the girl before, but helped her get ready and my friend mentioned they invited a guy that the girl liked to hook her up with him.
Fast forward to me meeting the nye guy, I don't know how, but at some point we start talking and he recognizes the music I'm playing (Shabazz Palaces) and we get to talking. At some point my friend pulls me aside and tells me "Hey could you back off from that guy? I invited him for my roommate." I was so drunk and out of character, I responded with "oh so it's a competition now." I guess him knowing shabazz palaces made me territorial. I was also extremely drunk, so I'm not quite sure how I acted. We took an uber back to his place and made out, fooled around a little, but didn't have sex.
I feel so bad now, I was rude to my friend and am not welcomed anymore to their apartment. And whats worse is I'm not sure how I acted towards him that night. I remember things from when I was at his place, but I dont remember what happened much at the party. My friend isnt mad at me, she's happy I am getting along with me. She also assured me he isn't the type to date multiple women at once (though I hold that with a grain of salt, I'll always assume the worst to try and keep from getting hurt). I don't regret it either, as I would not back down if given a second chance.
So that coupled with him mentioning Saturday that he didn't really know me makes me worried about how I appear. So I wanted to mention how out of character I was. Maybe it doesn't mean anything now that we've gone out on dates. We got into some pretty heavy discussions Saturday night, he mentioned his past and current therapy, and I talked about my abusive childhood... so I'm not too worried about having a serious conversation. Maybe we can go to a restaurant/bar after the movies tomorrow so I can loosen up a little.
Another question I had was about guys and texting. He's a sort of strange, inconsistent texter and I wonder if thats a bad sign?
Example 1. :he will text me a picture from the day we hung out (he texted a picture of a bad nicholas cage poster he took while we were shopping). I responded about minutes later, saying "we have to eventually watch this movie" "its as if no one knew how they got into the film".
Example 2: Yesterday he was texting me on and off throughout the day, asking if I still had a cold and talking about the movie we watched saturday. Today however, he was barely responsive, only answered my questions with short responses and didn't extend the conversation.
It seems like he goes into this fairly regularly, one day he will text me throughout the day with links to podcasts, interesting movie things, etc. and then the next day nothing. He also rarely asks what I'm doing and he's certainly not flirtatious. Is this a bad sign? Could it be that he doesn't want to seem to needy? Or is he not invested? I hate already becoming this attached and invested. I wonder if going out on dates with other people will help, but I'm really only interested in dating him, I've actually never dated multiple people at once. If things keep going the way they are, I may end up asking to be exclusively dating by the end of the month. At least then I'll feel more at ease.
Almost all women on OKC "reply selectively". I'd be pretty offended also, not to mention copy/paste is about the most insulting thing you can do to a woman on these sites. Move on and try to be yourself next time.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You could always double down and say that she is, in fact, your virtual beauty turned physical...
But no, you're done here. I can't see any feasible way to "recover," aside from actually apologizing for being abrasive, being sincere, and maybe actually ask something about her own likes and interests. You could chalk your indiscretion it up to being harangued by a mob of Latin dance instructors when you were a small child, even.
Likelihood of success tends towards nil, however.
I think you just need to calm down and stop overthinking it. Let this play out.
You've probably already built up this fantasy of him in your head. Get to know him, the real him, first.
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Yeah, I know I'm probably being ridiculous. Theres been a lot of drama in y life the last few years, I havent dated in a good 4-5 years, and I'm remembering how terrible I am at it. My anxiety and insecurities come up. You know? Plus being in the middle of winter break gives me free time to worry about this. Classes and work start back up next week, I can't wait. It'll be thesis semester so I'll have other things to be anxious about.
Alternatively you could stop following her, therefore you don't have to see any updates from her anymore but you remain facebook friends
good idea.
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Definitely unfollow rather than unfriend.
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