If you wouldn't date transgender people, where do you begin to regard their gender?

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How about you read it, and stop acting like a fool.

Then we can maybe engage some discussion and ignorance on both sides can be worked through.

It seems like much of this thread leads right back into this topic.

People arguing against, shaming, and shouting down other people who actually agree with them on a ton of points. One point of disagreement is no reason for complete dismissal of the other.
 
well, it reads like that. "I am just gonna let you suck my dick" is a casual way of saying "I think less of you, so I will only grant you certain level of interaction with me".

You read it that way.

For the cheap seats: Mouth plus feminine face is something I might be able to work with. Not likely with surgically created vagina.
 

Nephtis

Member
"Despite your transitioning, you obviously aren't going to look/feel like entirely like a real woman in many ways." is pretty obviously toxic and is kind of fucking weird when applied to cis woman as well. There are tons of cis woman with masculine features who don't "look like a real woman in many ways."

except that still falls within preference.

I wouldn't date a cis woman that had masculine features either.

probably makes me a jerk for it, but I can live with that. It's my dating life, my intimacy, my preference, and ultimately, my right.

anyone that doesn't like it can go pound sand to be honest. it's not like we're telling others "hey don't date that person, s/he is trans!". We're just saying, hey, you know what, it's not my cup o' tea so I won't engage in it.
 

badblue

Gold Member
Being the owner of this forum doesnt not make all of his opinions some kind of moral golden rule. In this case I would say his opinion is filled with toxic prejudices.

So if I said that I prefer women I have sex with to have been born a woman would that be "toxic prejudice"?
 

Coconut

Banned
How about you read it, and stop acting like a fool.

Then we can maybe engage some discussion and ignorance on both sides can be worked through.

I read your post and I think you should look it the extent that hormone treatments change the human body even over a short period of time.
 
"Despite your transitioning, you obviously aren't going to look/feel like entirely like a real woman in many ways." is pretty obviously toxic and is kind of fucking weird when applied to cis woman as well. There are tons of cis woman with masculine features who don't "look like a real woman in many ways."

And when it comes to the nebulous subject of attraction, a person who might not be attracted to a transgendered individual for that reason might also not be attracted to a woman with masculine features for the same reason.
 

jillytot

Member
I share Evilore's opinion regarding this topic:

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I would not date a transgender person.

I think its honestly all about your willingness to challenge your own ignorance. I think people with this view point just prefer to live in a world of ideals, and not reality. I think the major fear here is people feel they might be rejected by someone they see as lesser than them.

You can use the preferences argument if you like, but you aren't fully accepting anyone as they are with that view point. Sure we can make laws and do what we can to mitigate the hatred and bigotry, but living in a world where few people accept you, welcome you, admire you, look up to you, treat you with more than forced respect... it's not an easy life to live.

Declaring that you would never date a trans person ever for any reason under any circumstances is still a condescending, ignorant, and discriminatory point of view. If you want to talk about reality you are saying you would immediately reject a person for this no matter how amazing, beautiful, smart, accepting, loving, or funny the are. They could be the perfect person for you but this one really meaningless detail will disgust you to such a degree that you would throw away all that away, tearing down both yourself and the other person in the process.

No one is saying you have to date a trans person today, or ever, even if you are open to the idea. Would you date someone who is missing a limb? How bout a nose? What about a burn victim with severe disfigurement? Why not? It's not attractive? Or why would any of these be more acceptable than a trans person?
 
He is basically saying trans people should "deal with it" instead of trying to challenge the social and cultural constructs that create the toxic, dehumanizing view that trans women are not real women.
I think it's more saying that they have to deal with the fact that they have no say over what other people do and do not find attractive. Even if the world was completely equal and every one was treated the same no one gets to dictate what anyone else should be attracted to. It's none of anyone else's business.

He says right in the post that he supports them getting equal rights and being treated like any other woman, but it doesn't grant them the right to judge him for still not finding them attractive. He's under no obligation to find anyone attractive in the first place, and as long as he's not disrespecting anyone, they have no business of why he is or isn't attracted to them.

It's like saying that every time a man gets rejected by a woman, the man is owed an explanation as to why she doesn't want to go out with him. It's none of his business why she is or isn't attracted to the guy, just as it's none of the transgendered person's business as to why someone might not be attracted to them.
 

collige

Banned
except that still falls within preference.

I wouldn't date a cis woman that had masculine features either.
That's fine, but that's not what someone is saying when they say they won't date trans people. You're basically saying you would date any trans or cis woman that you find attractive.
 

Mumei

Member
I understand all of this. I was using what you posted as a branching point.

Regardless of whether someone would know, it's something they should know, in the context of a real relationship.

But surely you understand how the way you responded to me implies that you're arguing against me, right? And that this implies that I was making a different argument than I actually was, and why I would be annoyed by this, right?

There was a really awesome article I read a while back that went in depth as to why birth control and other forms of contraception were an LGBT issue. It broke down statistics about how a majority of queer-identified folk regularly have sex that can lead to pregnancy. I can't find it at the moment, but if I do, I'll post it.

There's also stuff like this.
 

Griss

Member
"Despite your transitioning, you obviously aren't going to look/feel like entirely like a real woman in many ways." is pretty obviously toxic and is kind of fucking weird when applied to cis woman as well. There are tons of cis woman with masculine features who don't "look like a real woman in many ways."

Right, some women may have a masculine feature here or there. You can deal with that on an individual basis.

But we're talking about a whole group here. Basically all trans women have constructed breasts and a constructed vagina. Considering that we grow up learning to separate the sexes using genitals as one of the criteria, and then when we hit puberty we hetero males become obsessed with breasts and vaginas, the fact that this entire range of women all have non-natural breasts and non-natural vaginas is just a huge deal to most hetero men, and pretending it isn't does not serve anyone. Pretending trans women and cis women are the same physically doesn't serve anyone.

If 'being physically the same' is your standard of real women, there's going to be a problem because under that definition people aren't going to consider trans women 'real'. The whole point about gender being mental, and a social construct, is that it lets us get around this physical difference and say trans women are perfectly real.
 
I think that if I were attracted to a woman and then found out she was a trans woman, I wouldn't really care. She's still attractive. Although, the issue of children would come up eventually, since I do plan on having kids some day. But I don't think that her being a trans woman would necessarily be a deal breaker for me.
 

BamfMeat

Member
Are you saying we should all be bisexual?

In a perfect world actually, I think gender just wouldn't exist as a "preference" period. I say that as a gay dude who most likely wouldn't date a MtF or FtM. It sounds funny, but I actually feel terrible about that, but I'm attracted to masculinity and (TMI)
I'm a bottom
so an MtF might be able to do certain things, but she's still feminine, whereas a FtM could do other things, but ultimately couldn't give me what I wanted. For instance, I think Buck Angel is fucking hot, but I don't believe I could ever "do" things with him.

Do you have any idea how much you are exaggerating? I have heard straight people say worse about the opposite sex, you just seem like you are tripping over yourself to be offended.

You can rail all you want to, but "Would not date, might let fellate" is an extremely disgusting thing to say. It's reducing the person down to nothing but basically a mouth. That's extremely degrading and dehumanizing. Are there things that straight people have said about the opposite sex? Yes. But we're not discussing those things that straight people have said, we're discussing the things that are in this thread, and, IMO, that statement has no place in here.

You read it that way.

For the cheap seats: Mouth plus feminine face is something I might be able to work with. Not likely with surgically created vagina.

That's still reducing the person down to nothing. I get what you're saying and where you're coming from, but it's still kind of offensive.
 

Coconut

Banned
Nope, I was pointing out how ridiculous it is to use the "how do you know something is ____ if you have never done it" rebuttal.

If we were arguing "which type of snake would you rather be bitten by." Your analogy with make sense but you made a Pepsi challenge claim that people be instantly able to tell the difference between vaginas. Some experience would be needed to sort make this claim. You've skipped the middle part of the scientific process, which is experimenting your theory.
 

entremet

Member
To answer the question in the thread, no I would not date a transgender woman knowingly.

Dating preferences is not bigotry.
 

Septimius

Junior Member
"Despite your transitioning, you obviously aren't going to look/feel like entirely like a real woman in many ways." is pretty obviously toxic and is kind of fucking weird when applied to cis woman as well. There are tons of cis woman with masculine features who don't "look like a real woman in many ways."

You need to understand that demanding that transgender people to be viewed as having changed their sex is not a thing that's acceptable to many, me included. I fully accept and respect a transgender, and respect and honor their gender as the one they've transitioned to, but I can't pretend their DNA has changed. Their sex is still the same. Their gender has changed. I won't ever date a transgender, because their sex is male. I would, of course, respect their gender, which is what's important in nearly all social interactions. I know of a transgender in a circle of friends I hang out with. I don't judge him, I don't treat him differently. However, do I view his sex as male? No. Does that matter to me? No.

If you're not able to look past comments by people that aren't really able to express it clearly, then you're fighting a battle you'll lose. You can't take such people by technicalities, despite them lacking the medical knowledge to say it's the difference of a chromosome that makes it. However, if you're experienced in discussing the matter, learn how to inform, not judge.
 

injurai

Banned
I read your post and I think you should look it the extent that hormone treatments change the human body even over a short period of time.

So do you have any opinions about my actual points? Is it not morally ideal? Maybe you're still thinking through it but it feels like you've just disregarded my whole post and told me to go look up hormone therapy then get back to you. Asking me to inform myself first, then I can join up where I left off. That's not even discussion or attempts to disseminate a stance. How will you ever convince people or better your own stance if you don't even try?

If you actually gave any attention to my points you'd realize it's less about particular aspects of attraction being enough. It's about it all coming together. Would rather wait for the right person, plan out my life and have kids. Rather settle for sacrifice my own nature for someone purely out of love. I think love is much or give and take, and such a relationship would not be worth having or pursuing. Which is why I have my doubts, yet I'm still not dismissing it. It's an argument for why someone can be justified in such a position. It's seems people with similar positions have been attacked ad hominem as being bigots, biased, holding prejudice or simply ignorant and need to learn more before speaking their opinion.
 

Jburton

Banned
What a polite and scientific way of saying "no it's gross."

If that's their opinion then they are entitled to it as long as they are not attacking, harming or oppressing anyone.

Individual freedom of choice is one of the most basic human rights of all.

Also twisting what a person says into something else to suit you're opinions is bullshit.
 

WaffleTaco

Wants to outlaw technological innovation.
Right, some women may have a masculine feature here or there. You can deal with that on an individual basis.

But we're talking about a whole group here. Basically all trans women have constructed breasts and a constructed vagina. Considering that we grow up learning to separate the sexes using genitals as one of the criteria, and then when we hit puberty we hetero males become obsessed with breasts and vaginas, the fact that this entire range of women all have non-natural breasts and non-natural vaginas is just a huge deal to most hetero men, and pretending it isn't does not serve anyone. Pretending trans women and cis women are the same physically doesn't serve anyone.

If 'being physically the same' is your standard of real women, there's going to be a problem because under that definition people aren't going to consider trans women 'real'. The whole point about gender being mental, and a social construct, is that it lets us get around this physical difference and say trans women are perfectly real.

I'm just going to say that most trans women, have natural breasts.
 
But we're talking about a whole group here. Basically all trans women have constructed breasts and a constructed vagina. Considering that we grow up learning to separate the sexes using genitals as one of the criteria, and then when we hit puberty we hetero males become obsessed with breasts and vaginas, the fact that this entire range of women all have non-natural breasts and non-natural vaginas is just a huge deal to most hetero men, and pretending it isn't does not serve anyone. Pretending trans women and cis women are the same physically doesn't serve anyone.
Let's not pretend that plenty of cis men and women don't have constructed breasts, chests, butts, and lots of other tweaked pieces of human architecture.
 
To answer the question in the thread, no I would not date a transgender woman knowingly.

Dating preferences is not bigotry.

In this thread, it's apparently bigotry to be a queer trans person and not want to date white cis men... lol

Right, some women may have a masculine feature here or there. You can deal with that on an individual basis.

But we're talking about a whole group here. Basically all trans women have constructed breasts and a constructed vagina. Considering that we grow up learning to separate the sexes using genitals as one of the criteria, and then when we hit puberty we hetero males become obsessed with breasts and vaginas, the fact that this entire range of women all have non-natural breasts and non-natural vaginas is just a huge deal to most hetero men, and pretending it isn't does not serve anyone. Pretending trans women and cis women are the same physically doesn't serve anyone.

If 'being physically the same' is your standard of real women, there's going to be a problem because under that definition people aren't going to consider trans women 'real'. The whole point about gender being mental, and a social construct, is that it lets us get around this physical difference and say trans women are perfectly real.

The majority of trans women do not have constructed anything.
 

Aiustis

Member
In theory I'm asexual and don't actually care. However, I'm agender and just simply beyond it I'd have the same problem dating a transperson that I would with anyone with any real attachment to their gender.
 

Cagey

Banned
I don't think that is ignorant, no. I'm not sure how I inspired the question, though!

Sorry, I should have worded the question differently so that it was clear the audience was thread at-large. Having quoted yourself and then posing it that way, it makes it seem like I was following up or challenging.

Your remarks about a person on the street identifying another's gender based on all the secondary features, given prior discussions about people deciding what they're are attracted to vis-a-vis their knowledge if a person is trans, got me to that point.
 
I think that if I were attracted to a woman and then found out she was transgender, I wouldn't really care. She's still attractive. Although, the issue of children would come up eventually, since I do plan on having kids some day. But I don't think that her being trans would necessarily be a deal breaker for me.

The kids thing is interesting...some folks date with no intention to marry, some folks have one night stands. So, taking children out of the equation, I find myself wondering if those people would still take issue with simply dating a transgender vs. cis.
 
You can rail all you want to, but "Would not date, might let fellate" is an extremely disgusting thing to say. It's reducing the person down to nothing but basically a mouth. That's extremely degrading and dehumanizing. Are there things that straight people have said about the opposite sex? Yes. But we're not discussing those things that straight people have said, we're discussing the things that are in this thread, and, IMO, that statement has no place in here.

It absolutely does have place here, this whole thread is about treating transgender people the same as we would other genders. The word dehumanizing is thrown around so much now that it has lost the gravity of its meaning. If he would have said I wouldn't let one near me or I wouldn't touch him or her with a ten foot pole. That is dehumanizing, saying I would have sex with them but not date them is a far cry from dehumanizing.


If we were arguing "which type of snake would you rather be bitten by." Your analogy with make sense but you made a Pepsi challenge claim that people be instantly able to tell the difference between vaginas. Some experience would be needed to sort make this claim. You've skipped the middle part of the scientific process, which is experimenting your theory.

No, they were going to say how do you know that a trasngender genitals look differnt without having seeing it in person. This is something that can simply be googled and seen, one does not need to date a transgender person to know there will be a difference.
 

esms

Member
There is a divide that is a hard to bridge.

For some people, accepting and respecting a transgender persons choice to transition is not enough, they are also expected to accept the transgenders new identity as fully a male/female as someone who was born the equivalent biological sex.

That's difficult for me, and not something likely to change, either through debate or life experience (Too old. :p)

I accept and respect a transgender persons choice to identity how they wish whether transitioned or not, I do not however agree with the idea that a person who has transitioned is no different to a person born of the sex a transgender person chose to identify as.

This I can understand is upsetting to a transgender person, it means there is therefore a "limitation" on how far I consider a person to have "become" the gender that they identify as, but the cold hard truth is yes, that is true, to me and others there is a limitation that falls short of fully male/female than no transgender person can go beyond.

I respect your choice, I respect your decision to identify how you choose and I am truly truly sorry that those limitations exist, but for me, in all honesty, they do, for others they do and the degree that you may or may not pass will not change this.

Very well thought out post that echoes my sentiments entirely. Thank you.
 

Griss

Member
Declaring that you would never date a trans person ever for any reason under any circumstances is still a condescending, ignorant, and discriminatory point of view. If you want to talk about reality you are saying you would immediately reject a person for this no matter how amazing, beautiful, smart, accepting, loving, or funny the are. They could be the perfect person for you but this one really meaningless detail will disgust you to such a degree that you would throw away all that away, tearing down both yourself and the other person in the process.

No one is saying you have to date a trans person today, or ever, even if you are open to the idea. Would you date someone who is missing a limb? How bout a nose? What about a burn victim with severe disfigurement? Why not? It's not attractive? Or why would any of these be more acceptable than a trans person?

Regarding the bolded, it just isn't, because we're not talking about being soul mates here, we're talking about fucking, and when you talk about fucking what matters is what gets your dick hard and what doesn't. For me, the concept that someone has a fake vagina and 'male organs' inside them makes me a floppy fish. I can't help that. Similarly, if someone was missing a nose or burned or whatever I almost certainly wouldn't fuck them either. It's not a rejection of them as a person, it's an acknowledgement that my fucking lizard brain just doesn't want to bone them - nothing more.

I have been rejected for my looks basically my whole life - sometimes because of gender issues and stuff. It's upsetting, but the idea that I'd ever be mad at anyone for not wanting to have sex with me is bizarre. I can't know what turns them on, so if they don't want to I just have to accept that they have their reasons and move on. Trans people must do the same. That's life, that's the sexual marketplace. We're all allowed to be as choosy as we want, from 'tall' to 'blonde hair' to 'natural vagina'.
 
The kids thing is interesting...some folks date with no intention to marry, some folks have one night stands. So, taking children out of the equation, I find myself wondering if those people would still take issue with simply dating a transgender vs. cis.

Oh, yeah. If this wasn't a long term thing and I had no intent in having kids with this woman, that removes the most significant barrier from even coming up.
 
If that's their opinion then they are entitled to it as long as they are not attacking, harming or oppressing anyone.

Individual freedom of choice is one of the most basic human rights of all.

Also twisting what a person says into something else to suit you're opinions is bullshit.

That's great and all, but that doesn't mean it is fine to insult people. And implying that they'll never look "correct" could be taken as a bit of an insult.
 

TheYanger

Member
I think its honestly all about your willingness to challenge your own ignorance. I think people with this view point just prefer to live in a world of ideals, and not reality. I think the major fear here is people feel they might be rejected by someone they see as lesser than them.

You can use the preferences argument if you like, but you aren't fully accepting anyone as they are with that view point. Sure we can make laws and do what we can to mitigate the hatred and bigotry, but living in a world where few people accept you, welcome you, admire you, look up to you, treat you with more than forced respect... it's not an easy life to live.

Declaring that you would never date a trans person ever for any reason under any circumstances is still a condescending, ignorant, and discriminatory point of view. If you want to talk about reality you are saying you would immediately reject a person for this no matter how amazing, beautiful, smart, accepting, loving, or funny the are. They could be the perfect person for you but this one really meaningless detail will disgust you to such a degree that you would throw away all that away, tearing down both yourself and the other person in the process.

No one is saying you have to date a trans person today, or ever, even if you are open to the idea. Would you date someone who is missing a limb? How bout a nose? What about a burn victim with severe disfigurement? Why not? It's not attractive? Or why would any of these be more acceptable than a trans person?

What you call meaningless, I and many others do not.

That's the same logic that says I as a straight male should be open to being with other men and not to be bisexual is bigotry. You do not dictate what is and isn't attractive to a person, and neither does anyone else.

What always gets me with these types of debates is how insistent people are about gender and sex being separate. It's nonsensical to me, if that were the case trans wouldn't exist at all - you'd happily be a 'female' in a man's body. The fact that there is a need to undergo an operation to alter yourself physically is perfectly telling that the two ARE linked. It's entirely possible for someone (honestly, probably most of the population) to both defend a trans person's rights to be treated equally and fairly as a person, and still not be sexually attracted to them or want to be sexually involved with them.

I'm sorry, but the first page response of "I didn't invent biology" is one hundred percent right. You can 'be' a woman in terms of gender all you want, and I have no problem with that, you can even physically alter yourself to look like a woman in terms of sex, but that does not make you a woman sexually, it makes you a biological male who has altered themselves. To tell someone they can't not want to have sex with someone in that situation is the same as telling a gay man he HAS to have sex with a woman if he is ok with women's rights - that's not how it works.
 
How about you explain why first? What is the difference between you dating a cis woman and a trans woman who is post op? The trans woman, looks like a woman, acts like a woman, has breasts and a vagina as a woman, and you can't tell the difference, yet you would not date them?
With all respect, even if there is no difference, my personal preference doesn't matter to society. I date who I want for intimate reasons and no one should question that. At least this is what I think.
 

FartOfWar

Banned
Declaring that you would never date a trans person ever for any reason under any circumstances is still a condescending, ignorant, and discriminatory point of view. If you want to talk about reality you are saying you would immediately reject a person for this no matter how amazing, beautiful, smart, accepting, loving, or funny the are. They could be the perfect person for you but this one really meaningless detail will disgust you to such a degree that you would throw away all that away, tearing down both yourself and the other person in the process.

Now imagine a woman telling this to a gay man. Or a straight man exclaiming the above to a lesbian. This is the notion of sexual orientation: to reject sexual intercourse with some people "no matter how amazing, beautiful, smart, accepting, loving, or funny the are." Those of us who are unable to regard transwomen as precisely the same as cis-women in a sexual context are perfectly capable of regarding transwomen as women, full stop, in social contexts.
 
It's ignorant to pretend that society doesn't privilege and center cis white men.
It's also ignorant to make statements that imply that all of those men are the same. Just like it would be ignorant to make a statement implying any race or group of people are all the same.

So I guess you're just about as good as the rest of society.
 

Septimius

Junior Member
Let's not pretend that plenty of cis men and women don't have constructed breasts, chests, butts, and lots of other tweaked pieces of human architecture.

You're thinking of "enhancements". When it comes to breasts, I'd agree that they're the same plastic operation. Surely, you must be able to see through the semantics you're trying to split hairs with?
 

entremet

Member
It absolutely does have place here, this whole thread is about treating transgender people the same as we would other genders. The word dehumanizing is thrown around so much now that it has lost the gravity of its meaning. If he would have said I wouldn't let one near me or I wouldn't touch him or her with a ten foot pole. That is dehumanizing, saying I would have sex with them but not date them is a far cry from dehumanizing.

It's a strange argument going on here. Dating is not a right. You're not guaranteed romantic companionship regardless of sex or gender. We all have to bring something to the table and we all have deal breakers, yet if we express those, for some, it's a form of bigotry.

I know men who won't date overweight women and women who date men shorter than them. Does it mean they treat those people less as people? No.

But for this topic, it seems a controversial stance.
 
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