Ugh, talk about the worst Spring Break I've ever had. How much have I fucked things up for myself? This is going to be an insanely long post, I appreciate anyone who reads this and can offer up advice. I've included chat messages I've sent so that you guys can tell me if I sound crazy. Been seeing that awesome guy for almost a month. Spending the weekends together, and one day on the weekday. Texting each other all the time, mostly him telling me he can't wait to see me again. We have a date planned on the 7th.
Ok, so
Friday, March 6th, I'm hanging with my friends, he with his and we are texting back and forth. I tell him be prepared for affectionate drunk texts, which he doesn't mind and loves them. Anyways, I'm not a big drug user (I've taken mescaline once, MXE 4 times, and have split a hit of molly once). Anyways, I do a line of MXE and tell him, and he seems ok with it. His phone is weird and he gets texts out of order and very late.
Saturday: He's super hung over and comes to my place late. Seems a little strange, tells me he missed me and we finally end up sleeping together (we were having performance issues). We spend the night hanging out together, go to bars, go to jazz clubs, etc. Sleep together again.
Sunday march 7: Stays until about 1, lay and talk.
Monday march 8: Invites me out for a date next Friday, March 20th. I'm out with friends for a while, drinking. I ask if he's busy this weekend, he tells me he will be with his family and friday he will be drinking with friends, but that he's free Tuesday-Thursday this week.
During this time, I get drunk and ask If I could come over (he's talked about me sleeping over during the weekday because he loves waking up to me). I send it but suddenly realize how rude it is to just invite myself over. I show it to my friend, who is equally drunk. He takes my phone, as a prank, and sends a text saying I love you. As I said before his phone is weird so basically the order he gets the texts and calls are totally out of order. He gets the I love you text, then the come over, and although I quickly call him to tell him what happened, he just sees a missed call.
This freaks him out, he doesnt get my text message saying that a friend had sent that until 20 minutes later, giving him plenty of time to freak out. Even after explaining things to him, he's still upset, because during that time, he had thought about anythign that possibly didn't work between us.... saying things have been going fast, which really hurt me.
Tuesday March 10: This, in turn, freaks me out, so I tell him if he wants to take things slow, then we can, and he can choose to contact me. This, to him, makes me sound dismissive, which freaks him out even more. Eventually he texts me saying he needs day or two to think about things, but about 7 hours later he texts me saying he's an idiot and to hang out the next day.
Wednesday March 11:Next day comes, he says theres a party at his apartment that his roommates are suddenly having, and that maybe the following day would be better. At first I'm fine with this, but then realize I need to talk about things now, so ask to meet him someplace in public. We talk and he pulls all these over analyzed fears out of nowhere. My occasional drug use (which he's done in the past), my intensity, my crazy mother, the fact that I've told my friends about him, which normally shouldn't freak him out. I calmly explain everything to him, and after we talk, he says he realized I've debunked everything he's worried about, so we go out to a bar, talk and have a great time, and go back to his place, where we sleep together again. During the time, of our conversation, I felt a little depressed and sad, as I felt like I had to sell myself to him. He kept nervously talking about how he's dug a hole for himself that he can't get out of. I stay the night.
Thursday March 12: He has work in the morning, so we get up. Wake him up with some sex, then he goes and takes a shower. I feel a little down, for some reason I wanted him to invite me to a shower. When he gets back I tell him I was a little bummed by it, as I probably wouldn't see him for a while and that I knew it was stupid and ridiculous that I felt like that. He drops me off, but somethings still rubbing me the wrong way. I realize it's that I felt like I basically had to sell myself to him for an hour during the conversation where I debunked his notions about me, and I was unsure about his feelings, so I send him this message:
I'll be honest, part of me worries I wont feel comfortable being myself around you. I'm an intense person and the fact that you brought that up as a negative worries me a lot. It's kind of what was on my mind this morning, why I couldn't sleep.
Hopefully it's just because last night was so fresh. I just got really nervous once we were at the bar and having expressed myself. Part of me felt like I had to sell myself to you last night when we were talking. It certainly didn't affect my feelings or attraction for you, mostly just affected my idea of your feelings and perception of me.
Sorry, this isn't intended to make you nervous, or make you think I want things to end. That certainly isn't the case. I really am crazy about you and see the possibility for something long term, at least on my end.[he and I have both told each other we are crazy about one another, me only recently, but he had been telling me that for a whileI guess I'm just feeling insecure after some of the things said last night, mostly the stuff about my personality. Also sorry to pull all this out of nowhere suddenly, just needed to get it off my chest. I knew you were in a hurry this morning and figured I'd tell you when I collected my thoughts and understood why I actually felt bummed this morning instead of assuming it was due to a lack of a shower.
I wish I could've talked to you about this in person, but I needed some time and once I realized what was up, I have to express them sooner than next week, assuming that would be the next time I see you. I'm really glad we could talk though. I feel better than I did the last couple of days and spending time talking with you at the bar/ in bed with you was wonderful as always.
I dont get a response, but I call him to apologize, realizing I was just being insecure. This is all via facebook because of his shitty phone, so I can see that he's read my messages. Around 8 hours after reading it, i get a response:
Hi, sorry this is a lot to digest and I'm too drunk and slightly high to have a conversation about it. I know you made the wound analogy last night, but I'm useless right now.
Wound analogy was me telling him its better to communicate and heal things fast instead of letting wounds fester. I tell him its ok, that we can talk about it some other time.
Friday Mach 13: I finally get a response from him late afternoon, granted, he works full time 9-5.
Ok, sorry to take forever to respond. Yesterday was a mess and today is a shit show at work. And so it goes.
So honestly, this is troubling if you don’t feel like you can be yourself around me. It was what I was getting at when I said I thought I had dug myself a hole (which you said I had not) when I was trying to explain why I was so unsure/freaked out about things. I said a lot of things that had been racing through my head, and I know some of them were probably lousy or even hurtful to hear. I don’t blame you for feeling weird about things after that.
I think of myself as a very intuitive person, so when my gut tells me something I tend to listen and I’m a very stubborn Taurus – as you know. I’m sorry you had to defend your personality or sell me on it. I put you in a really shitty spot.
I don’t know, I’m sorry I’ve made things more complicated than they need to be, and I’m probably not doing much to help clear things up with this response either.
This says absolutely nothing, I thought everything was ok, but suddenly it sounds like he's freaking out about things again. I try and stay calm and send him this message:
It's ok. I understand the moment I sent it, I probably was just having a bout of insecurities. I'm extremely perceptive, which usually keeps me grounded, but then my own self esteem issues come in and mess me up. Like I've told you, I spend a lot of time thinking introspectively, trying to understand myself and others. I know I've had no problem being myself with you in the past, I was probably just nervous and scared having had to stay calm and collected during the Pepsi Discussion, stuff like that will naturally make me a little nervous and riled up afterwards. The only thing that bugged me was the intense thing, but really you've been spending time with me, asking when you can see me again. I shouldn't worry, it's obvious you like me.
Everything else I shrugged off because I knew the moment you spend more time with me, the moment you'd realize it wasn't the case. That all this anxiety and worry stemmed from some asshole that made me seem extra crazy. You wondered why you reacted like that, like I said, anyone would react like that as only a completely crazy person would do that, then they'd look at the past as see little things as possible signs they missed.
And I know you're intuitive, but Tauruses are also over analyzers. It's ok, Scorpios are extremely perceptive, but tend to think the worse of a situation. Anyways, the only thing I can do at this point is be myself and I shouldn't worry about the consequences anymore. We've had great dates together, yeah, they have been intense but things have been intense on both of our sides. I think that has to do with us being so compatible. It's really scary for both of us. The fact that its so scary for both of us is an indication of how much we really like each other and have a connection, as we each feel like we have more to lose.
Anyways, I know you're stubborn, but I'm hoping you wont let a situation/misunderstanding that was completely out of our control end things between us. Hope your day becomes a little less stressful tonight and your mom has a nice birthday tomorrow!
I know he's busy friday, saturday and sunday (visiting his family for mom's birthday before they move far away) and friday night he is out with friends for one of their birthdays.
Saturday:Saturday I send him a text in the evening telling him I hope he has a nice time, that things are less stressful this weekend, and he's having a good time celebrating with his mom. No response.
I'm fine with all this, but then, something horrible happens. Normally I call my mom whenever I get home from my studio, to let them know I'm ok. I've moved 1500 miles away and they are not handling things well (stress from taking care of my grandmother with alzheimers). I accidentally fall asleep in my studio having worked late and forgot to call them...
Sunday: At 5 am I get a barrage of texts from people including the guy I'm seeing. This comes as a text and not through facebook:
Him: Hey, your parents just sent me a long facebook message saying they are extremely worried because you never called them last night. Please call them asap and let them know you are okay.
Me: I'm sorry about that.
Him: It's OK, hope you are okay and everything is fine.
Me: I'm fine, I just seem to have an insurmountable amount of bad luck lately. Was just working in the stuios as its empty right now and accidentally fell asleep while researching.
Him: It's okay, I assumed as much. Just glad you are fine.
After I've talked to friends who were worried, and talked to my crying mother (my parents messaged a bunch of people) I send him this text:
Thanks, I know I should be giving you space to think about things, and you've been super busy, but this morning shook me up a little. Is there any chance you'd be free sometime to talk about things? I understand you're busy or if things are too stressful at the moment.
After that, nothing, so I decide to let him decide when to come to me. I tell my roommate about the situation and she asks if I told him that other people were contacted, that he wasn't singled out by my parents. I realize he may have misinterpreted everything so I send him one last FB message:
Hey, sorry for bugging you while you're with your family, but I just wanted to apologize again for this morning. I also wanted to let you know you weren't the only one they messaged, they also messaged my roommates, friends, etc. I talked to them about it and they told me you were actually one of the last people they contacted. Waking up this morning to a ton concerned messages was probably one of the most embarrassing things in the world for me. Anyways, I just don't want you to think they singled you out or anything. At this point, if anyone's digging a hole for themselves, it's me, damn. When it rains, it pours right? I'll let you sort things out, certainly don't expect a response or anything, but I just needed you to know.
People on another forum told me I was smothering him, that I was being clingy and scaring him away. I just wanted to explain things, because he completely misinterpreted so much Wednesday night, that I'm out every night, that I do drugs all the time, and that I expect to hang out with him constantly. I do invite him out a lot, but its just to let him know I'm thinking of him and have never been upset when he's been busy.
Have I really fucked up? It seems like all of this is due to third party interventions that have fucked everything up. How long should I actually wait to get a reply? I was upset about things, assuming they were over by the lack of a response, so I went out on a date friday night, but could only think about this guy. Also, he's had terrible luck with relationships, usually lasting a month before they dump him, his longest one lasting 6 months and she was extremely abusive to him. I know he's probably terrified of getting hurt, but I really have no intention of that.
TLDR: A series of unfortunate events possibly tears us apart. Guy takes my phone as a prank and tells guy I'm seeing that I love him, he freaks out, then freaks out that he's freaking out and has been confused ever since. If possible, read the Quoted sections. It's clear he's crazy about me, but scared of getting hurt. Then parents probably terrify him by asking if he's seen me via facebook. He's pretty much given the silent treatment since. He works 9-5, but texting me has never been a problem, and was busy with family this weekend.
I've been there a hundred times and when you're in the middle of it, hope can cloud your judgment.
