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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Adam_Roman
Member
So I just went on my first date with this girl. We've been talking for about 2 weeks and she basically told me in advance she wanted to mess around. We went to the drive-in, and then back to her house, where we went in her back yard. I won't go into details, but I got her off a few times, and she tried getting me off but I couldn't get it up. I dunno if it was nerves or what, but she felt bad about it thinking she did something wrong, but I tried my best to assure her it was my fault. I'm attracted to her, but it just wasn't happening. It was my first time fooling around with a girl, so could have just been that I was nervous?
TL;DR Couldn't get it up for my first BJ, what do?
TL;DR Couldn't get it up for my first BJ, what do?
Adam_Roman, it was nerves, it happens. See her again if you both are still interested, don't sweat it.
Zonic you need to take everyone's advice and ask her out. Despite what you're saying about thinking you already missed your chance, it's just an excuse to find out definitively. I was like that in high school, coming up with stories in my head to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation, but just get on with it you'll feel a lot better regardless the outcome.
I seem to attract a lot of people who are poly recently...I'm not sure if I can do it if I'm really into the person.
Zonic you need to take everyone's advice and ask her out. Despite what you're saying about thinking you already missed your chance, it's just an excuse to find out definitively. I was like that in high school, coming up with stories in my head to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation, but just get on with it you'll feel a lot better regardless the outcome.
I seem to attract a lot of people who are poly recently...I'm not sure if I can do it if I'm really into the person.
Does this count as relationship gaf? I met my wife on match and we've been married a short time (dated and lived together for over 4 years), but she had bad crohns flare up over the last year or so (and had ostomy surgery). I've tried to be as supportive as possible, but I honestly don't remember the last time we had sex. Probably a year and a half ago at least. I'm fucking depressed. I'm angry at myself for not being stronger. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon. We tried but it didn't work on her end. At this point I'm just ready to throw the towel in. Sorry - I didn't know where else to post this.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
have you talked to her about this and what did she say if she did?
is the only problem you have just the sex or is there more?
direct_quote
Member
Sounds like something you should see a counselor about (both of you). Better to be open and honest then just harbor it inside..
I've tried talking to her about it. I get the impression it's not a big deal for her. I've even communicated that something else would at least be a start, but that happens once in a blue moon as well (maybe a handy every 6-7 weeks?). I'm trying to give it more time, but I feel if we went another year w/o anything happening I would want to sit down and see if this has any future (either the two of us or with counselor).
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You've offered no indication that simply waiting is going to result in any change. In other words, giving it more time isn't a helpful approach. Two things are going to happen: your resentment for your wife is only going to build, making any reconciliation more difficult; and she's going to grow more accustomed to not being intimate, affirmed by your tacit acceptance of the issue (i.e., being understanding and supportive).
See a counselor as soon as possible. Both of you deserve to have the level of physical intimacy that you want.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
Well there is literally no point putting yourself into depression, and I have no idea what her reaction to you heading in that direction or if your happiness even matters to her.
If you care about her and/or the relationship then get a counselor ASAP, otherwise the best thing may just be to divorce?
Waiting another year is not the proper solution. If it's important to you and she is doing nothing to change it, things will only get worse for you.
For real, waiting isn't going to change anything. Have you two considered the option of an open relationship, at least sexually? If she seems physically unable to have sex do to pain, then it might be good for you two to consider finding a sexual outlet for you. If she really doesn't care about having sex, it shouldn't be a big deal, right?
Of course, this sort of discussion should be done with a counselor with you. Definitely seek counseling on this, it's for sure something you two need to work through.
Of course, this sort of discussion should be done with a counselor with you. Definitely seek counseling on this, it's for sure something you two need to work through.
After thinking it over, yeah, I guess I'll give it another try. If she declines, welp, now I know for sure & can move on. If she accepts, then we can finally be on the same page and things might advance.
I just had conflicted feelings & this is new territory, so I wasn't sure how to handle it. Plus I couldn't help but feel kind of ignored from last week when she & her sister came over, but I guess it was because I (stupidly) said it as "hanging out", so maybe she'll be a bit more serious (i.e not look at her phone as much) if I say it's an actual date.
I'll start by texting her again as a start. Though I'm guessing it might be better to ask in person/over the phone for a first date instead of via text, despite hanging out a few times already?
ZackieChan
Member
You are 1) putting her on a pedestal and 2) putting all of your eggs in one basket. Both rookie mistakes that we've all made, but you need to stop or you'll never get anywhere.
The best negotiation technique is being prepared to walk away if things aren't going in your favor. Get that into your head!
ClosingADoor
Member
Don't 'start texting here' as in start a conversation. Just ask how her weekend was and if she wants to grab a drink at this and this day at 8 or something. Make a move then.
You are over thinking this way too much.
So as I said early I've never been in a relationship, and am currently texting someone I met through POF. We tried to set up a meet a couple days ago but she got busy and now my work schedule sucks for the next month or so. We are going to try again for Wednesday, but she may be starting work that day lol.
My main question is, how much should we be talking through text while we're waiting to meet up. And I'm almost getting to a point that I'm not sure what to talk about, I feel I want to leave something to talk about when we meet. Am I over thinking this, should I keep it just general likes/dislikes/what are you doing type conversations?
Kinda sucks being in this situation at 27.
My main question is, how much should we be talking through text while we're waiting to meet up. And I'm almost getting to a point that I'm not sure what to talk about, I feel I want to leave something to talk about when we meet. Am I over thinking this, should I keep it just general likes/dislikes/what are you doing type conversations?
Kinda sucks being in this situation at 27.
Yeah, I'm honestly prepared for her to be like "Oh, well, I like you, but not in that way". If anything, I couldn't help but feel that vibe from last week, hence my hesitation. But it could just be me getting into the bad habit of overthinking things. & it seems the majority of people are suggesting to talk to her again, so I guess I might as well give it one more chance, but like I said, if she declines, then that's the end of that & I'll move on.
Ah, okay. I'll see if I can think of something this week, assuming she responds.
I just asked her how her week was earlier, but yeah, I seriously need to stop overthinking. It's a bad habit of mine because I just want to feel "prepared".
ClosingADoor
Member
Whatever feels natural, but I'd say not too much. You run out of things to say after a while. Just check in every few days or so, but most important is setting a date now even if you're busy. Otherwise interest on both sides will fade.
Is there literally no time in the entire next month that you two couldn't meet up? I know the work situation will probably really limit your options, but surely you aren't working 80 hour weeks for a month? If that's the case you probably shouldn't be doing any dating of any sort right now. If the female version of Brad Pitt were to ask you on a date during your shitty work schedule ridden month, you'd surely make at least a little time for them, right?
I know I'm not answering the question you asked, but if that's the case you probably won't be able to keep her attention for a whole month without a least meeting up, text rules or otherwise.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
But did you ask her out, or merely ask if she had plans?
"Are you free Saturday to do something?"
I think I'll take this route and let it be. It's just odd not to get a response. Figured I was owed one. Whatever. Joining single-gaf again!
I am trying, I work the next 15/19 days, my days are about 15 hours all told and I switch from days to nights multiple times. Like I said I suggested meeting on Wednesday and we will if she's free. My availability is just very limited this month. It's supposed to go back to normal afterwards and hopefully it does.
I'm about to schedule my first Tinder date, and my first date since my break up 2 months ago. Not really sure what to do since we've only sent around 10 messages total of typical getting to know you stuff. I guess a restaurant is a safe option.
Don't actually want to go that much but I figure it'll be good for me.
Don't actually want to go that much but I figure it'll be good for me.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
It's going to look really sweet when you set aside a couple hours for coffee or drinks with this girl despite your work schedule. Don't expect her to wait around for a month for someone she hasn't met.
Zonic, that's not asking her out. Plus, you didn't offer any ideas - it's the functional equivalent to asking a friend, "Hey, what're you doing this weekend?"
I give you major props for sending the message in the first place, but you should understand that (especially via text!), words are going to have meaning. There's a world of difference between "Are you free to do something?" and "I want to take you out this Saturday." And even then, if you don't want to be that direct, certain activities are more per se "dateish" than others.
For instance, getting drinks is unmistakably a date. Going to see a movie, given your prior history with this girl, is rather friendish.
If she is indeed free on Saturday night, I think you need to propose something that broadcasts your intentions.
You didn't ask her out then.
You gotta be forward and blunt about asking specifically that.
I just realized that not long after I sent the text and figured you guys would tell me that wasn't the right way to word it. Though if she responds, I WILL be more blunt.
See response above, but you make very good points.
I recall my second time, I actually suggested "are you free for dinner or drinks Mon. or Tues" according to my text history. Plus if I recall, when I first called her, I said something among the lines of "would you like to get some coffee this weekend, maybe talk & get to know each other?" But yes, it seems my wording is the biggest thing I need to work on. I need to stop using "friend" wording, which is just what I'm used to, and more "date" wording.
Edit: I will also say that even if things don't work out, I still appreciate all the advice everyone here has given me, as it's really helped me out and gives me a bit more confidence.
Jesus, you really are working practically 80 hour weeks.
That sucks, man.
But yeah, it's hard to keep interest going via text. Just trying to keep a conversation going and text once every 2-3 days, if you can. If you can't meet up Wednesday, and even if you can, be prepared that one or both of you might lost interest during this time, and it's not your fault
EDIT: Also, what Diaboli said.I'm about to schedule my first Tinder date, and my first date since my break up 2 months ago. Not really sure what to do since we've only sent around 10 messages total of typical getting to know you stuff. I guess a restaurant is a safe option.
Don't actually want to go that much but I figure it'll be good for me.
Usually something with a little less commitment (like coffee or drinks) can be better, so if things so south fast you can bail without waiting for food, and you also don't have to worry about splitting/figuring out who's footing the bill.
Restaurant isn't a bad choice, but if you aren't really feeling her, you might want to have something you can easily escape from.
Don't wait for her response. Just send a second text with something like "Because I wanted to take you out on a date that night". Bam. You asked her out, she clearly gets your intent, and the ball's in her court.
Done. I even used a very similar wording to yours.
Exr
Member
What did you say specifically
ZackieChan
Member
Are you currently not wanting to do so? That is odd wording.
I don't want to freak you out, though. Just let it go now and do something else. Start swiping Tinder or looking for someone else.
Ugghh, again, I need to work on my wording. But I haven't heard back, so I'll wait & see. Again, I just need to put it out of my mind & not overthink it.
If it doesn't work out, I might just continue to focus on my summer college classes & the fact I should get a part-time job.
Women aren't attracted to guys that don't take initiative on things. You need to ask her out point blank. "This Saturday we should have a dinner date if you're free."
ZackieChan
Member
Yeah, at this point there's nothing you can do. You'd be like Costanza with the answering machine messages. Just move your mind off it. If a date is what you desire, try to work a few more leads at the same time. Nothing helps the sting of a rejection like an acceptance by someone else!
Take charge. Got it. & yes, I'll try to be more blunt/direct, as others have stated.
Yeah, I'm kind of prepared for her to turn the date offer down. Though I feel like it'll be more relief of "Welp, 100% clear now things didn't work out, time to move on!" Live & learn, I guess.
I'll look about more leads possibly this week, especially to keep all the advice you guys have given me fresh in my mind. Maybe I'll ask my friends if they know anyone.
ZackieChan
Member
Yep. Takes time to learn, but you're off to a good start!
So I went on a date with a hot sweet woman who is also a PHD and Im completely smitten. The date went well as I asked to walk to an ice cream parlour after drinks which she agreed to. It was closed and she suggested a longer walk back to her car. I got into a slight argument about where her car park was ( I was right) but I hope that didn't matter. I asked if she would like to meet again and she said we could next weekend. I asked for her number and she said lets chat over email instead.
It seems like everything was going great and I might've acted a bit needy in the end. What would GAF suggest is the next move?
It seems like everything was going great and I might've acted a bit needy in the end. What would GAF suggest is the next move?
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
If she didn't give you her number after the first date (I usually get them before we even meet anyway) then it's kind of a long shot.
Just ask her out again over email is all you can do, right?
Just ask her out again over email is all you can do, right?
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Is there an option? Try to chat over email and then meet up again. The email thing seems a bit weird to me, but people are a bit weird, especially PhD candidates (I should know).
OK, so I am going to ask a girl I've chatted with a few times at my local shop. I'm very apprehensive because I don't want to make somebody uncomfortable at her work (or in general). Any advice?
Gray Matter
Member
Does she work in a clothing store or a restaurant? If so, I would avoid doing so. I feel like they see so many people a day that they probably get hit on a lot, I had the same dilemma a few weeks ago too, it went nowhere.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Service station. And yes, I typically agree. However she keeps on asking me questions about my life, etc. I really don't want to bother people but on the other hand...
Death grip... Stop beating off (being super serious)
In that case, I'd say go for it!
Cut to the point. Say hi, ask her out, and then leave.
Someone earlier in this thread gave this advice, which I think is pretty good: say hi, that you think she's cute/seems interesting/anything and that you'd like to take her out for coffee/drinks. Then give her a note with your number on it, and tell her to call/text you if she's interested. That way you create a lower pressure situation for her, which in my mind at least makes her way more likely to be positive about it. Being asked out might come unexpectedly for a lot of people, especially at work, which means that they might just say the first thing that comes to their mind (yes, no, I have a boyfriend, I'm gay, whatever) instead of what they actually want.
Disclaimer: never tried this myself. It might work, it might not work.
stn
Member
*raises hand*
This is what I'd do. One can feel "trapped" in a workplace setting, hence they may be more hesitant to accept an offer. Or they may accept the offer just to get the moment over with.
I've done the note style before. It's actually pretty effective especially if you are shy and it's just someone who works somewhere that you think is cute.
When I did it it was to a very cute lady who worked at my local liquor store. I would go in often and always wanted to ask her out but it just never seemed like the right time or I got cold feet. Then I decided to pre-write this note saying that I thought she was cute and I'd love to take her out sometime with my number on it. So I went in, bought a 6-pack and at the end of the transaction just slipped her the note saying that it was for her and smiled and walked away immediately (which is the key, keeps the pressure of the situation down and let's her decide). Now granted this could go so many ways, I personally with this one didn't get a text back until the next day but it was a funny one.
She said that she was currently seeing someone but "when" they break up she'll let me know. Haha I was blown away from that text because of the word "when" like it was already in the works. We texted a little bit back and forth but in the end nothing happened.
The key point to take away is that most women love this kind stuff. It shows that to some degree chivalry is not dead and who doesn't enjoy a compliment from someone who they don't know. I think if she wasn't seeing someone we would have easily gone on a date together so I think it's a great method for anyone who feels like they just need to do something about a crush that they don't really know in the real world.
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