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[Llyranor]

I don't want to scare her off. :/

4 scenarios.

She doesn't like you, you do nothing. Nothing happens. You spend the rest of your life questioning what if.

She doesn't like you, you ask her out. She rejects you, you feel a little bad for a fleeting moment, then move on, knowing that you gave it a shot and that's that. And you learn that being rejected wasn't so bad, and you're happy that you were able to ask her out so quickly so as not to waste time wondering whether or not she liked you.

She likes you, you ask her out on a date, everything works out, yay!!!

She likes you, you don't ask her out on a date. She just thinks you see her as a friend, then eventually dates some other guy. You hang around her for years afterwards hoping she realizes what a great guy you really are. But she never does and you die alone.

 

[twinturbo2]

Alright, if online dating really is my only option, can someone recommend a site that does prescreening? I don't want to deal with heartless witches trolling people for kicks, that's what happened to me on OKCupid, and between that and their nonexistent customer service, never again will I deal with them again.

 

[davepoobond]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

 

[Zeyphersan]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

I've been waiting for that conversation for a while. It's due any week now

 

[i-Lo]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

I'll raise you: My mother being agreeable to the idea of me sleeping around because she knows it's not in me to be able to do so, ever (it's a pretty big deal since my background is south asian). V for Life.

 

[Gray Matter]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

I get that from my mother at least once a month.

 

[Condom]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

Got that so many times in my life.

Well now I'm just honest to them in that I can barely handle myself mentally.

 

[vern]

The former. I'm very oblivious, it's hard for me to pick up signs, I say weird things at the wrong time, just a lot things that aren't fun.

Also, not that it's a big deal, but the girl just graduated high school a few weeks ago, I've been out of high school for 3 years now. But this is usual me overthinking everything.

Just go for it. Have fun. If she likes you and you say a "weird thing at the wrong time" she will think it's cute, if she's not into you then it doesn't matter what you say anyway. Learn from every date you go on. Let her talk most of the time anyway, be interested in what she has to say, ask leading questions. It's not rocket science, just takes time to learn I guess for some people.

 

[davepoobond]

I've been waiting for that conversation for a while. It's due any week now

yeah, it came up because my mom has been kind of asking about it the last couple of times in a "don't you have anyone you hang out with exclusively?" kind of way. this time it was a lot more blatant.

I'll raise you: My mother being agreeable to the idea of me sleeping around because she knows it's not in me to be able to do so, ever (it's a pretty big deal since my background is south asian). V for Life.

well, at least she didn't ask if you like guys lol (or maybe she did?). my mom asked me twice.

I get that from my mother at least once a month.

Got that so many times in my life.

Well now I'm just honest to them in that I can barely handle myself mentally.

yeah its kind of hard to give a straight answer to them, because it kind of just doesn't matter to me that much that i haven't had a girlfriend. no one has come around that i actually liked in that way that i can see myself having a relationship with and i was dumb on a couple of occasions to not pick up on the signs because I was completely oblivious to any of it.

i've been trying the online dating thing and she was surprised i was even doing that, but she was asking all sorts of questions about it and didn't understand the nuances involved with it etc and it being very superficial. She was surprised I wasn't getting "hundreds of messages" because i'm a "good looking guy." My looks don't seem to have had any noticeable impact in that regard, so I can't rely on them.

harrumph.

 

[NateDrake]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

My grandmother got my case about this somewhat recently. I told her I don't have much interest in a long-term relationship and get bored of people rather quickly. She encouraged me to just sleep around and have fun. I told her I do that stuff now, she laughed and told me I was wise to do so. I loled when it happened.

 

[Sayers]

Well not much is more awkward and off putting than your parents asking why you don't have a girlfriend.

I have that conversation every few months or so. We're about due for another one here pretty soon.

 

[ZackieChan]

Alright, if online dating really is my only option, can someone recommend a site that does prescreening? I don't want to deal with heartless witches trolling people for kicks, that's what happened to me on OKCupid, and between that and their nonexistent customer service, never again will I deal with them again.

I think you have a terrible attitude about it going in. You should work on that first before moving forward.

Or just ask people out that you meet in real life.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Alright, if online dating really is my only option, can someone recommend a site that does prescreening? I don't want to deal with heartless witches trolling people for kicks, that's what happened to me on OKCupid, and between that and their nonexistent customer service, never again will I deal with them again.

You have a telling outlook on this -- which, I suspect, has been characterized by a few outlier experiences. No site does prescreening (that I'm aware of, at least, since they want to broaden their pool to get revenue streams), but I've relied upon OKCupid and I've never had a bad experience.

To be honest, you need to explain the "heartless witches trolling people for kicks" comment, because I suspect that most hetero guys in this thread would tell you that, on balance, women either: (1) dated them and things worked out; (2) responded to them and it didn't; or (3) they didn't respond at all. Obviously, everyone's mileage varies; it often depends on where you are.

In any case, most women don't have the time or energy to deliberately "troll" you, unless you've sent them totally objectionable messages.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

Alright!

Update since my key'in at the hands of a crazy ex.

Basically not retaliating or dropping her over it has catapulted me into god mode.

We spent Friday getting my police report then got dinner at a little cafe on South Street.
Stopped by the bondage shop and got new toys.

She basically just told all her friends we are a couple now. They're all fawning over me casue I laughed off his childish behavior and didn't run, as well as seeing how I treat her and swooning over it.

Took her to this little French cafe on Walnut St in Philly, ran into a jewler she knows and set up a double date for next week.
After dinner we drove to my home town.
She insisted on meeting my mother saying "You want to see how serious I am about you don't you? Take me to meet your mother and I'll prove it."
She basically made them all fall in love wiTh her...sat with my Aunt who my mother takes care off (had mutiple strokes) and talked about the mummers.
Held my brothers new born daughter the whole time and won them over.

After all this we walked out of my mom's to the local park where hundreds gathered for fireworks.
We watched them for a few before spending the last minutes of them staring at one another as the blast reflected the colors off one another's faces...some kisses of course.

Fuck...I'm falling in love fast and hard.

Tomorrow were taking her best friend out for lunch to kinda "clue her in"
It's a tricky situation cause her best friends brother is her husband's REALLY good friend.

 

[twinturbo2]

You have a telling outlook on this -- which, I suspect, has been characterized by a few outlier experiences. No site does prescreening (that I'm aware of, at least, since they want to broaden their pool to get revenue streams), but I've relied upon OKCupid and I've never had a bad experience.

To be honest, you need to explain the "heartless witches trolling people for kicks" comment, because I suspect that most hetero guys in this thread would tell you that, on balance, women either: (1) dated them and things worked out; (2) responded to them and it didn't; or (3) they didn't respond at all. Obviously, everyone's mileage varies; it often depends on where you are.

In any case, most women don't have the time or energy to deliberately "troll" you, unless you've sent them totally objectionable messages.

I was literally trolled by someone with what the site claimed was a 90% match rate, who replied to a sincere message I sent asking out for a date. She told me that she spent 8 years on the site trolling people. Somehow, she got away with all that without her account being suspended.

I complained, and got no response from customer service. That was enough for me to suspend my account and delete the app from my iPhone.

 

[MonorailCat]

I wouldn't say you over-reacted. A last-minute cancellation to do something else is very disrespectful. In fact, I'm kind of shocked she admitted she just wanted to cook with friends instead. Never hesitate to drop someone who doesn't respect your time.

I just don't know where I stand with this one.
On the one hand she is still affectionate towards me (kissing, cuddling). But on the other hand she seems to avoid private meetings recently and all I get are these public mini-dates.
I mean I dont want to be the guy that is ONLY about sex, because I like her. But if you have sex on the second and third date and then suddenly she avoids almost all oppurtinities to be intimate it feels wrong to me.

But when I write it down like that it seems quite obvious she lost interest. Otherwise she would be glad to spend the weekend with me and would seek out oppurtunities to get intimate instead of avoiding them.

Wonder what I should do now. Wait and see if she messages me again? Or wait a few days and ask for another meeting?

Edit: just reactivated my online-dating account and saw that she was logged in almost every day the last month. We were not exclusive, so I don't blame her. But it explains the bahavior. She is probably getting sex somewhere else and
meets me for the affection and attention I give her.

 

[n64coder]

I was literally trolled by someone with what the site claimed was a 90% match rate, who replied to a sincere message I sent asking out for a date. She told me that she spent 8 years on the site trolling people. Somehow, she got away with all that without her account being suspended.

I complained, and got no response from customer service. That was enough for me to suspend my account and delete the app from my iPhone.

I'm trying to understand the situation. Was the message you sent asking her for a date the first message you sent her? Or have you had several messages back and forth before you asked for a date? What kind of date fix you ask for? Coffee?

Anyway, you can't take rejection personally. Just move on.

Wonder what I should do now. Wait and see if she messages me again? Or wait a few days and ask for another meeting?

Yes, just wait for her to make the next move. For now, move on. If she does respond, make her lower priority.

 

[stn]

I just don't know where I stand with this one.

Its very simple: why would you want someone who's disrespectful to you? Some of the ladies in this thread have also told you this same thing. Like I said, I'm kind of shocked that she actually admitted she was ditching you last-minute to do something else. Its rude as fuck, dude. If it were me I would have deleted her number long ago. No kind of relationship can be built on a lack of respect.

 

[davepoobond]

Its very simple: why would you want someone who's disrespectful to you? Some of the ladies in this thread have also told you this same thing. Like I said, I'm kind of shocked that she actually admitted she was ditching you last-minute to do something else. Its rude as fuck, dude. If it were me I would have deleted her number long ago. No kind of relationship can be built on a lack of respect.

Yeah, I agree. Dump her. She sounds like she doesn't care for you.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I was literally trolled by someone with what the site claimed was a 90% match rate, who replied to a sincere message I sent asking out for a date. She told me that she spent 8 years on the site trolling people. Somehow, she got away with all that without her account being suspended.

I complained, and got no response from customer service. That was enough for me to suspend my account and delete the app from my iPhone.

That's seriously such an outlier experience that I wouldn't worry about it. The odds of it happening again are negligible.

However, I've heard good things about Hinge, which basically ensures that you have mutual friends on Facebook before allowing you to message each other. Thus, your friend network "pre-vets" them.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Alright, if online dating really is my only option, can someone recommend a site that does prescreening? I don't want to deal with heartless witches trolling people for kicks, that's what happened to me on OKCupid, and between that and their nonexistent customer service, never again will I deal with them again.

Online isn't your only choice you just seem against other things.

And seriously bro? Really feels like a good part of your problem is your attitude.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

And seriously bro? Really feels like a good part of your problem is your attitude.

It's really bananas to me how much of this thread is dudes writing misogynistic shit or writing off all women based on one and then being like "why can't I find a woman?"

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

It's really bananas to me how much of this thread is dudes writing misogynistic shit or writing off all women based on one and then being like "why can't I find a woman?"

What's bananas to me is that we have people in this thread, which is on a video game message board, telling them about their own successes or describing the depth of their misfires. We're all relatively similarly situated, I'm guessing. And hell, we've got plenty of girls telling them about their own experiences too. (Anecdotally, I was on a date Friday night, and we checked her OKCupid inbox. Trust me: women have it far, far worse.)

Anyway, in an effort to be constructive, head on over to the Online Dating thread, twinturbo. Plenty of folks are willing to QC your profile and messaging techniques.

 

[NateDrake]

It's really bananas to me how much of this thread is dudes writing misogynistic shit or writing off all women based on one and then being like "why can't I find a woman?"

One of my friends is an arrogant asshole when it comes to girls & dating. He is 28, hasn't worked for more than a month, and is a judgmental jerk when it comes to women. Instead of taking advice from friends and bettering himself, he just blames women for not being interested in him. He dismisses all girls as not being good enough for him.

As for folks who do online dating or don't know how to approach it: I told a friend to be "the guy he wishes to be" when messaging girls. Take a risk with a message and be confident and be adventurous a bit.

 

[InsaneZero]

This is something that I noticed in retrospect of last night. Whenever I'm drunk to the point of near blackout, I find conversing with girls of all types of attractiveness extremely easy. More importantly, the conversations I have are are very interesting and amazing, since I'm somehow still able to listen to their stories and find them completely fascinating even if they're talking about something that I've never been exposed to. I somehow get the mental clarity to not only converse coherently but also be find really interesting points that we can talk for hours with the same level of enthusiasm. I do suck at keep these girls' numbers and following up, since even if they give them I can't save them anywhere coherently.

I have some serious problems initiating, much less maintaining, a conversation with anyone while sober. My ability to keep interest is also basically nonexistent, which will obviously hurt the conversation.

I'm not sure why that is the case, but that isn't important. I just want to be able to pull this off in my normal state. I want to be able to make comfortable and natural conversation. It would great for dating, but even more importantly I want to learn and be interested in the lives of people.

 

[twinturbo2]

That's seriously such an outlier experience that I wouldn't worry about it. The odds of it happening again are negligible.

However, I've heard good things about Hinge, which basically ensures that you have mutual friends on Facebook before allowing you to message each other. Thus, your friend network "pre-vets" them.

I'll take a look into that, thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Rest]

So I saw the girl from the mall again today, we talked a little, but not as much as last time. I invited her out, she said "I'll think about it." Well, I'm pretty sure what that actually means is no, but she had a weird look on her face when she said it. I figured it was just because she was uncomfortable, so I dropped the subject quickly.

However, I had to go up to the counter to get something, and she asked me about the place I went to, and seemed interested in going. She said she knew people that went there and asked if I knew them, which I did not.

So, there are still signs that she's interested, but there's some kind of hangup. Not really sure about what to do next. I've been pretty forward the last two times and I don't really want to come on too strong, so I don't know how to continue. Facebook chats dried up, but she was the one who initiated our conversation again today.

 

[DJ Lushious]

I recently reconnected with my ex a few weeks back and then about two weeks ago she's accepted a job far away. I'm an emotional wreck and one of the things she said to me yesterday was that I wasn't being supportive. Well, she's just graduated with a Master's degree and accepted an Americorps position making $12,000 a year. It's hard to be supportive of a decision like that, when one of her reasons as to how she'll make it on that salary is "I can get food stamps."

I feel like she's immature and has been supported by her parents for so long she has no idea what it's like to live on your own. I think she's in for a rude awakening and I've tried to talk some sense into her, but she's committed to her decision.

We had a big fight yesterday on the phone and it pretty much ended with "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I hope you find what you need and are happy."

I've not been taking it well since.

 

[Alpha Centauri]

I recently reconnected with my ex a few weeks back and then about two weeks ago she's accepted a job far away. I'm an emotional wreck and one of the things she said to me yesterday was that I wasn't being supportive. Well, she's just graduated with a Master's degree and accepted an Americorps position making $12,000 a year. It's hard to be supportive of a decision like that, when one of her reasons as to how she'll make it on that salary is "I can get food stamps."

I feel like she's immature and has been supported by her parents for so long she has no idea what it's like to live on your own. I think she's in for a rude awakening and I've tried to talk some sense into her, but she's committed to her decision.

We had a big fight yesterday on the phone and it pretty much ended with "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I hope you find what you need and are happy."

I've not been taking it well since.

Those phrases at the end are tough to swallow, especially if you thought ya'll were working back toward reconciling.

A couple notes though:

Americorps opens up a lot of positions in life, its a HUGE resume boost. But with that being said you can't live someone's life for them. My question to you is that, if she were to pick a typically average job across the country, would you have been supportive of her moving away?

Just wondering if it was the job that you weren't supportive of or her leaving after ya'll reconnected.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I recently reconnected with my ex a few weeks back and then about two weeks ago she's accepted a job far away. I'm an emotional wreck and one of the things she said to me yesterday was that I wasn't being supportive. Well, she's just graduated with a Master's degree and accepted an Americorps position making $12,000 a year. It's hard to be supportive of a decision like that, when one of her reasons as to how she'll make it on that salary is "I can get food stamps."

I feel like she's immature and has been supported by her parents for so long she has no idea what it's like to live on your own. I think she's in for a rude awakening and I've tried to talk some sense into her, but she's committed to her decision.

We had a big fight yesterday on the phone and it pretty much ended with "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I hope you find what you need and are happy."

I've not been taking it well since.

It kind of sounds like you weren't being supportive. It's her life, if she wants that job then she can take in but telling about how immature she is and her parents do everything is just crappy. There's a difference between concern and attacking someone. If her parents do take care of her then she has a safety net if its a bad decision which makes it not such a big deal.

 

[DJ Lushious]

Those phrases at the end are tough to swallow, especially if you thought ya'll were working back toward reconciling.

A couple notes though:

Americorps opens up a lot of positions in life, its a HUGE resume boost. But with that being said you can't live someone's life for them. My question to you is that, if she were to pick a typically average job across the country, would you have been supportive of her moving away?

Just wondering if it was the job that you weren't supportive of or her leaving after ya'll reconnected.

She's already worked for Americorps this past year, while working on her thesis. She complained about not having money during that time. I've reinforced to her having Americorps on her resume is awesome, but have also stated that now that she has her Master's she's decided to go for another year of Americorps doesn't make sense.

And yes, had she picked a job that paid more I would have been supportive. Still hurt, of course, but way more understanding. When talking about her job searches, she didn't actually job search. She applied to two jobs and then this next year of Americorps fell in her lap and she leapt at it, having never gone any further in her job search.

Throughout our relationship she made it pretty clear she was going to leave the moment she graduated. That's a tough thing to put a partner through, and I don't think she ever realized that. And when asking me if I'd follow her, she never truly understood that I am a homeowner and there is a huge process that goes into selling a house. I can't just pick up and go like she can. Last night we talked about me being a homeowner and when I explained to her that it could take a year or more and lots of home improvements to even sell my house, she admitted she could not understand.

telling about how immature she is and her parents do everything is just crappy.

That was my own personal commentary to you, the reader.

I've reiterated to her that it i her life and her decision, but I just can't support her decision for the financials. She's already complained to me during our time together about not having money and that was already with her parents taking care of her. I support her moving to a State she wants to be in and opening new doors for her, but at the cost of her being in poverty and willfully living off of food stamps? That's a silly decision for an adult with a Master's degree to make from my perspective.

 

[Goro Majima]

Incoming lengthy post just wanted to get some perspective and advice.

I'm 33 years old, white, divorced, 6'3" and about 240 pounds. The divorce was final about two years ago, I've dated quite a bit off and on since then.

About two months ago, I ended a six month relationship with a very nice girl but I really wasn't that physically attracted to her. She was extremely successful and intelligent and I tried to base my feelings for her on those things while compromising in the physical area. I was never able to really truly "fall in love" with her so I realized that settling doesn't work very well so I told myself I would only date girls that were really what I wanted.

So.

I had two chicks that I saw back to back who were both beautiful and pretty much exactly what I was looking for (blonde hair, fair skin, pretty). The first one I met through Tinder and we spent the entire weekend together before she dropped off the face of the planet come Sunday and finally sent me the "we should just be friends" text on Monday.

The next one I met through match.com and we had a great first date, a fantastic second date of making out on my couch, and then she came over the next day to tell me she wasn't into it. Fair enough, not everyone is for everybody.

So I guess I feel kinda discouraged after feeling like I did reasonably well with these women only to not have it work out. Fortunately, I'm old enough to realize that the "why" isn't really important as long as you don't have any glaring obvious faults. Now I'm wondering what the next steps should be for me in regards to all of this.

I'm a reasonably attractive guy, have a master's degree in accounting, a good steady job, a nice apartment, live in a big city (Houston), and get along really well with others. So it's not like any major negatives stick out but I still can't help but feel if the problem is my overall physical attractiveness. (quote to see links to the pics I have on my dating sites)






As a result, I have several questions.

#1. Should I shell out the $300 or so to have a few professional pictures taken? I feel like my pictures aren't that great even though they kinda get the job done.

#2. I started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week and work out in some way the other five days. So I'm still losing weight, do I put online dating on pause until I've lost 30-50 pounds say around December? And THEN get some new pictures?

#3. Do I take a short pause because I'm clearly a little discouraged and resume messaging once I feel better? Or do I immediately get back on the horse?

#4. Typically even my first dates go on for hours and hours. I learn an awful lot about a person before I'm essentially forced to purge anything and everything about this person from my life after it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Should I emotionally distance myself and maybe limit the first few dates to less time?

#5. What's the best and most productive way to handle setbacks while dating?

#6. Sort of related to question #5, what are some tricks to consciously prevent yourself from getting too smitten with women that "check all your boxes"?

 

[turtle553]

Incoming lengthy post just wanted to get some perspective and advice.

I'm 33 years old, white, divorced, 6'3" and about 240 pounds. The divorce was final about two years ago, I've dated quite a bit off and on since then.

About two months ago, I ended a six month relationship with a very nice girl but I really wasn't that physically attracted to her. She was extremely successful and intelligent and I tried to base my feelings for her on those things while compromising in the physical area. I was never able to really truly "fall in love" with her so I realized that settling doesn't work very well so I told myself I would only date girls that were really what I wanted.

So.

I had two chicks that I saw back to back who were both beautiful and pretty much exactly what I was looking for (blonde hair, fair skin, pretty). The first one I met through Tinder and we spent the entire weekend together before she dropped off the face of the planet come Sunday and finally sent me the "we should just be friends" text on Monday.

The next one I met through match.com and we had a great first date, a fantastic second date of making out on my couch, and then she came over the next day to tell me she wasn't into it. Fair enough, not everyone is for everybody.

So I guess I feel kinda discouraged after feeling like I did reasonably well with these women only to not have it work out. Fortunately, I'm old enough to realize that the "why" isn't really important as long as you don't have any glaring obvious faults. Now I'm wondering what the next steps should be for me in regards to all of this.

I'm a reasonably attractive guy, have a master's degree in accounting, a good steady job, a nice apartment, live in a big city (Houston), and get along really well with others. So it's not like any major negatives stick out but I still can't help but feel if the problem is my overall physical attractiveness. (quote to see links to the pics I have on my dating sites)






As a result, I have several questions.

#1. Should I shell out the $300 or so to have a few professional pictures taken? I feel like my pictures aren't that great even though they kinda get the job done.

#2. I started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week and work out in some way the other five days. So I'm still losing weight, do I put online dating on pause until I've lost 30-50 pounds say around December? And THEN get some new pictures?

#3. Do I take a short pause because I'm clearly a little discouraged and resume messaging once I feel better? Or do I immediately get back on the horse?

#4. Typically even my first dates go on for hours and hours. I learn an awful lot about a person before I'm essentially forced to purge anything and everything about this person from my life after it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Should I emotionally distance myself and maybe limit the first few dates to less time?

#5. What's the best and most productive way to handle setbacks while dating?

#6. Sort of related to question #5, what are some tricks to consciously prevent yourself from getting too smitten with women that "check all your boxes"?

I don't know about spending a ton of money on pro shots, but I wouldn't include both pics 1 and 3. They both look like the same shirt, not enough variety.

Maybe a new hairstyle, but judging looks isn't my thing.

Overall, I have had similar experiences to you meeting great people to have it fizzle out and I don't know exactly why. I'll take breaks here and there and it seems every time I try again, I find someone better than the last. I just try to not get so wrapped up in it working out right away.

Good luck.

 

[Salamando]

#1. Should I shell out the $300 or so to have a few professional pictures taken? I feel like my pictures aren't that great even though they kinda get the job done.

#2. I started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week and work out in some way the other five days. So I'm still losing weight, do I put online dating on pause until I've lost 30-50 pounds say around December? And THEN get some new pictures?

#3. Do I take a short pause because I'm clearly a little discouraged and resume messaging once I feel better? Or do I immediately get back on the horse?

#4. Typically even my first dates go on for hours and hours. I learn an awful lot about a person before I'm essentially forced to purge anything and everything about this person from my life after it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Should I emotionally distance myself and maybe limit the first few dates to less time?

#5. What's the best and most productive way to handle setbacks while dating?

#6. Sort of related to question #5, what are some tricks to consciously prevent yourself from getting too smitten with women that "check all your boxes"?

If you have $300 to spend on professional pics, you have $300 you can use to go hiking, kayaking, or skydiving, and have someone take pics of you there.

You are never in the "ideal" spot for dating. Even when you lose 40 pounds, you'll still feel insecure. It happens, I've been there. Take a break if you feel mentally unable to date. If you think you're not date-able or something like that, you're wrong.

 

[gaiages]

#1. Should I shell out the $300 or so to have a few professional pictures taken? I feel like my pictures aren't that great even though they kinda get the job done.

#2. I started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week and work out in some way the other five days. So I'm still losing weight, do I put online dating on pause until I've lost 30-50 pounds say around December? And THEN get some new pictures?

#3. Do I take a short pause because I'm clearly a little discouraged and resume messaging once I feel better? Or do I immediately get back on the horse?

#4. Typically even my first dates go on for hours and hours. I learn an awful lot about a person before I'm essentially forced to purge anything and everything about this person from my life after it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Should I emotionally distance myself and maybe limit the first few dates to less time?

#5. What's the best and most productive way to handle setbacks while dating?

#6. Sort of related to question #5, what are some tricks to consciously prevent yourself from getting too smitten with women that "check all your boxes"?

First, the pictures:
Yeah, you don't need both 1 and 3. Just 1 is fine. 3 is sort of a weird angle.
2 is a little blurry.
Remember, a lot of people are wholly against guns, no matter the actual type. No need to axe 4 completely, just remember that.

Overall I think the first picture is good, and the fourth is okay. If you could maybe get a not drunk friend (;D) to take a pic of you and your friend(s) next time, that'd be good, too.

Questions:
1. Nah. Getting a professional photographer is far from needed. Just get a friend with an eye for taking decent pictures (i.e., that Facebook friend that posts good pictures that have decent lighting and aren't blurry) to help you out a bit.
2. If you want to, sure, but either way it's up to you. Losing a bit of weight might help with your confidence (though I'd say your not big at all in the first place), but there's no reason to snap a new few pictures every couple of months and update your profile when you do.
3. Again, up to you, there's no absolute answer. If you're feeling discouraged, there's nothing wrong with taking a break.
4. Yeah, you might wanna make it a bit shorter, if possible. Long dates are great and all, but you're right, it sucks when it doesn't work out. Try for 2-3 hours.
5. Boost your confidence by bettering yourself (like the jistu classes you're taking :3). I think working on you helps with any sad/discouraging thing happening in your life.
6. Don't have an answer to this one, sorry.

 

[Josh with a J]

How's it going in here? Everyone just plowing chicks/dudes?

 

[Rest]

How's it going in here? Everyone just plowing chicks/dudes?

We do have plenty of posts with people updating their progress...

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

Didn't talk to her today...She was the other line but didn't want to, you know, be a creep.

Spoiler

I'm a bitch.

 

[methane47]

OK so its been a few days since I've posted.
I still haven't confronted her about things and I've been keeping up appearances.

I still have three days until this vaca is over and I return home. I've taken the strategy of being super nice and super romantic. I've (truthfully) revealed that I want(ed) the relationship to go the distance, I've asked her what can I do to spice up the relationship, she expressed a couple things to me, firstly that I'm "perfect" for her except she didn't realize I was so serious about us.
And she's happy to hear it because she thought that I felt she was just another gf and was just going with the flow... And also she wants me to open up to her more and talk to her about my feelings and my family...Besides that I'm "perfect"

She's clearly lying to protect my *feelings* in the regular fkd up way gfs/bfs do.

My opening up and vunrebility has clearly got her spooked though, as previously she would leave her chats up for a day or so... Now she deletes her chats after every msg (thank you whatsapp desktop)

I think I've in my alone time gone through all the stages of grief...

Found out the guy she's talking to will be in town when I get back... So now I'm wondering if I confront her immediately or after I gather some more Intel (catch her lying)

What do you think GAF...
And anyone has a good script I can work off to build my confrontation?

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

4 scenarios.

She doesn't like you, you do nothing. Nothing happens. You spend the rest of your life questioning what if.

She doesn't like you, you ask her out. She rejects you, you feel a little bad for a fleeting moment, then move on, knowing that you gave it a shot and that's that. And you learn that being rejected wasn't so bad, and you're happy that you were able to ask her out so quickly so as not to waste time wondering whether or not she liked you.

She likes you, you ask her out on a date, everything works out, yay!!!

She likes you, you don't ask her out on a date. She just thinks you see her as a friend, then eventually dates some other guy. You hang around her for years afterwards hoping she realizes what a great guy you really are. But she never does and you die alone.

Not the right mindset, man. Ask her out. Be direct and clear with your intentions.

Rejection part will suck but That's only part of the problem.

 

[tch]

OK so its been a few days since I've posted.
I still haven't confronted her about things and I've been keeping up appearances.

I still have three days until this vaca is over and I return home. I've taken the strategy of being super nice and super romantic. I've (truthfully) revealed that I want(ed) the relationship to go the distance, I've asked her what can I do to spice up the relationship, she expressed a couple things to me, firstly that I'm "perfect" for her except she didn't realize I was so serious about us.
And she's happy to hear it because she thought that I felt she was just another gf and was just going with the flow... And also she wants me to open up to her more and talk to her about my feelings and my family...Besides that I'm "perfect"

She's clearly lying to protect my *feelings* in the regular fkd up way gfs/bfs do.

My opening up and vunrebility has clearly got her spooked though, as previously she would leave her chats up for a day or so... Now she deletes her chats after every msg (thank you whatsapp desktop)

I think I've in my alone time gone through all the stages of grief...

Found out the guy she's talking to will be in town when I get back... So now I'm wondering if I confront her immediately or after I gather some more Intel (catch her lying)

What do you think GAF...
And anyone has a good script I can work off to build my confrontation?

Man that sounds awful. Wait so you are still considering continuing with the relationship? Your language is a bit confusing, it seems like you just want to catch her in a lie and then it will all work itself out? Maybe I'm just misreading it though:" I've (truthfully) revealed that I want(ed) the relationship to go the distance, I've asked her what can I do to spice up the relationship".

You don't have to "gather more intel" or "catch her lying." You need to get out of there for you if that's what you want. You don't have to prove anything to her or prove to her you know she's deceiving you or convince her that its a good idea to head your separate ways. You know that she hasn't been respecting you or your relationship for some time, that would be more than enough for me to make my decision and end it. I'd confront her immediately. Best of luck it's a really difficult situation to be in.

 

[Goro Majima]

I don't know about spending a ton of money on pro shots, but I wouldn't include both pics 1 and 3. They both look like the same shirt, not enough variety.

Maybe a new hairstyle, but judging looks isn't my thing.

Overall, I have had similar experiences to you meeting great people to have it fizzle out and I don't know exactly why. I'll take breaks here and there and it seems every time I try again, I find someone better than the last. I just try to not get so wrapped up in it working out right away.

Good luck.

If you have $300 to spend on professional pics, you have $300 you can use to go hiking, kayaking, or skydiving, and have someone take pics of you there.

You are never in the "ideal" spot for dating. Even when you lose 40 pounds, you'll still feel insecure. It happens, I've been there. Take a break if you feel mentally unable to date. If you think you're not date-able or something like that, you're wrong.

First, the pictures:
Yeah, you don't need both 1 and 3. Just 1 is fine. 3 is sort of a weird angle.
2 is a little blurry.
Remember, a lot of people are wholly against guns, no matter the actual type. No need to axe 4 completely, just remember that.

Overall I think the first picture is good, and the fourth is okay. If you could maybe get a not drunk friend (;D) to take a pic of you and your friend(s) next time, that'd be good, too.

Questions:
1. Nah. Getting a professional photographer is far from needed. Just get a friend with an eye for taking decent pictures (i.e., that Facebook friend that posts good pictures that have decent lighting and aren't blurry) to help you out a bit.
2. If you want to, sure, but either way it's up to you. Losing a bit of weight might help with your confidence (though I'd say your not big at all in the first place), but there's no reason to snap a new few pictures every couple of months and update your profile when you do.
3. Again, up to you, there's no absolute answer. If you're feeling discouraged, there's nothing wrong with taking a break.
4. Yeah, you might wanna make it a bit shorter, if possible. Long dates are great and all, but you're right, it sucks when it doesn't work out. Try for 2-3 hours.
5. Boost your confidence by bettering yourself (like the jistu classes you're taking :3). I think working on you helps with any sad/discouraging thing happening in your life.
6. Don't have an answer to this one, sorry.

I appreciate the help guys.

Looks like the biggest immediate issue is getting some better pictures like I suspected.

Getting into better shape is definitely a process but the overall feedback I've gotten here and elsewhere seem to be that I'm basically "about average" and it's probably not hindering me as much as I think it does. There are some real hotties out there only looking for washboard abs but I've been warned against these chicks in general because then you develop a relationship based on maintaining an extremely high level of physique at all times. It's one thing to be in shape and healthy and it's another to dedicate all your free time to fitness. Or so I'm told.

As far as the pic of me holding a shotgun, well I live in Houston so adding a bit of masculinity to the picture selection probably doesn't hurt.

 

[gaiages]

Rejection part will suck but That's only part of the problem.

I might have missed something, but what's the rest of the problem?

As far as the pic of me holding a shotgun, well I live in Houston so adding a bit of masculinity to the picture selection probably doesn't hurt.

Ah. Nevermind, carry on with the gun picture then ;D

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

I might have missed something, but what's the rest of the problem?

It makes me feel undesired. plus, I hate it when family members bug me about when I'm I going to get a girlfriend. I can't say "oh, girls in general aren't attracted to me" I always make the excuse of "I'm trying to focus on my school work" or worse they think that I'm gay if I just "don't want one".

 

[methane47]

Man that sounds awful. Wait so you are still considering continuing with the relationship? Your language is a bit confusing, it seems like you just want to catch her in a lie and then it will all work itself out? Maybe I'm just misreading it though:" I've (truthfully) revealed that I want(ed) the relationship to go the distance, I've asked her what can I do to spice up the relationship".

Ah OK let me explain qlittle better. Before I found out she was texting this other dude I was 100% interested in taking the relationship to the next step yada yada.... So the things I admitted to her were the feelings I truthfully had before finding out. Now that I've found out though... My feelings are different. I'm bitter, disgusted, emotionally alone, fed up etc

You don't have to "gather more intel" or "catch her lying." You need to get out of there for you if that's what you want. You don't have to prove anything to her or prove to her you know she's deceiving you or convince her that its a good idea to head your separate ways. You know that she hasn't been respecting you or your relationship for some time, that would be more than enough for me to make my decision and end it. I'd confront her immediately. Best of luck it's a really difficult situation to be in.

OK thanks man.... One more thing to add to this situation... Her birthday is next week.

 

[gaiages]

It makes me feel undesired. plus, I hate it when family members bug me about when I'm I going to get a girlfriend. I can't say "oh, girls in general aren't attracted to me" I always make the excuse of "I'm trying to focus on my school work" or worse they think that I'm gay if I just "don't want one".

That's something you need to get over. To say one of those corny sayings, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and women generally aren't going to make the first move, for a variety of reasons. You can't really get a girlfriend, or even before that go on a date, if you don't ask anyone out, right? If she says no, yeah that's a major bummer, but then not only do you know she feels, but you have the ability to "move on", and try to find someone else. It's rarely a matter of whether or not you're "desirable", most people are desirable as long as they aren't mega douche bags... and even those can get SOs, so... yeah.

You need to at least try to ask her out :3

 

[gaiages]

OK thanks man.... One more thing to add to this situation... Her birthday is next week.

At this point, as long as you're back in your country... who cares if it's her birthday? It sounds mean, but she's at least emotionally cheated on you. You don't need to care about her feelings, she clearly doesn't care for yours.

EDIT: Whoops, double posted.

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

That's something you need to get over. To say one of those corny sayings, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and women generally aren't going to make the first move, for a variety of reasons. You can't really get a girlfriend, or even before that go on a date, if you don't ask anyone out, right? If she says no, yeah that's a major bummer, but then not only do you know she feels, but you have the ability to "move on", and try to find someone else. It's rarely a matter of whether or not you're "desirable", most people are desirable as long as they aren't mega douche bags... and even those can get SOs, so... yeah.

You need to at least try to ask her out :3

I'll try. (for real this time) This will be it for a while tho.

 

[GK86]

I'll try. (for real this time) This will be it for a while tho.

Don't try, do.

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

Don't try, do.

Alright. When I first spoke to her I basically let her know I had intentions for her. She didn't object to this. All she said was "Oh okay" with a smile.