Wait a second. Do you mean you used Tinder to mock girls or you mean she used your Tinder account to mock other girls who were after you?
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Wait a second. Do you mean you used Tinder to mock girls or you mean she used your Tinder account to mock other girls who were after you?
I have. I can't help it if I'm reminded of her every day because of a song, a place, or an event.
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I have the opposite problem I guess. Being around other people just sucks all the motivation I need to change right out of me because somewhere in the back of my mind I know I can rely on them. I don't even intentionally start using my family as crutches, I just don't even think about stuff like housework when they're around. But if they go on holiday for a week they come home wondering who the hell I am because I'll immediately step up to the plate and do whatever I need to because there's nobody else to rely on. Now that I'm coming up on the end of my studies it's a good opportunity to move out of home and strike out on my own for a bit.
Related news: About a week ago my girlfriend told me that she doesn't see a future in us partially because of the above and partially because I do a bunch of things that annoy her. Stupid stuff like looking at something else when I talk about it so she can't hear me without realising it. I honestly do want to not do them anymore but I can't keep the thought in my head long enough to fix it. It's all fair enough, we're in different places* and we don't always mesh very well. There's no animosity at all (though we're still together for now so that could change) and I think this is a good move, we want different things right now and we'd both rather break up now than break up when we actually start hating each other over our differences.
My stomach still hurts today though, even though we've both had enough time where it was just an idea to think about it and agree that this is the move we need to make every time we talk about it the time-frame is narrows and it becomes just a little bit more real.
I'm sorry to say this because I know you like her, but my god she sounds awful.
Why do you want this?
So I have an interesting position I'm in...
I've known this girl since middle school and we weren't close but we were on a basis where we talked daily and I got her number (never used it tho lmao).
The peak of it was when we went on a six flags field trip and I got truthed into whether I'd kiss her and I got flustered. This lead to a weirdness of whether I liked her ( I did).
We ended up going to different high schools and seeing each other very sparsely throughout HS but we somehow ended up poking each other around 1500 times on Facebook (we still poke daily rn)
Fast forward to now (summer before freshman year of college ) I'm poking her at the gym and I ask my older bro's friend if it's regular to poke a girl that much and if it means anything and he forces me to message her.
We start talking about basic stuff and then I grab her number ( I had to but it would be weird to use it after 4 years) and we message a few times back and forth (she seemed enthused on the fb messenger but idk girls might just type with exclamation points and stuff) but the train of conversation kinda died and she has a boy friend and were going to different colleges. So I kinds stopped talking since idk what it would lead to (probably nothing).
What say you GAF.
I've known this girl since middle school and we weren't close but we were on a basis where we talked daily and I got her number (never used it tho lmao).
The peak of it was when we went on a six flags field trip and I got truthed into whether I'd kiss her and I got flustered. This lead to a weirdness of whether I liked her ( I did).
We ended up going to different high schools and seeing each other very sparsely throughout HS but we somehow ended up poking each other around 1500 times on Facebook (we still poke daily rn)
Fast forward to now (summer before freshman year of college ) I'm poking her at the gym and I ask my older bro's friend if it's regular to poke a girl that much and if it means anything and he forces me to message her.
We start talking about basic stuff and then I grab her number ( I had to but it would be weird to use it after 4 years) and we message a few times back and forth (she seemed enthused on the fb messenger but idk girls might just type with exclamation points and stuff) but the train of conversation kinda died and she has a boy friend and were going to different colleges. So I kinds stopped talking since idk what it would lead to (probably nothing).
What say you GAF.
Don't try and steal a man's girl unless you're comfortable being labled as THAT guy.
Not only do you have to deal with being (labelled as) that guy, if it works you have to deal with knowing that she could do the same thing to you.
Last time I told myself that (in respect to two other people) it turned out there was something and she was in an open relationship. But he still shouldn't go down that path.
She has a boyfriend - it's nothing.
Didn't know you could still poke people on Facebook, though.
cheers, that's what I was looking for. was just having a conversation with friends about that topic and wanted to share that "rule" with them (because I think it's funny).
carry on.
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If you stop checking her various pages and things, eventually those things will subside.
QTR
Move on. This is not a good relationship.
Shuggananas
Banned
fuck that stupid thing, date anyone you feel comfortable dating
Currently 24 and I avoid girls under 20, just feels too weird
(but yeah I've read x/2 + 7 too)
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
How have you? You told is you saved every text, email, picture, etc. That doesn't Sweden like you already removed everything at all.
Eh, I know that moving on is probably the right thing, I just liked her a lot and we were good when we were together, all of the dramas were mostly online which kinda bothers me that she never gave me a chance to meet her, I could probably fix it.
I had tinder for normal use, obviously after getting into the relationship with her I stopped talking to girls. She saw the app and asked what it was, I explained and she started liking/disliking people saying its kinda fun and laughing. 3 days after she was with her sister and asked for my phone to show her Tinder, they both were "playing" with it and she said "You do have a lot of matches, Im kinda proud". A week after this she did the drama when some girl said hi (she knew that girl just not personally) saying "You are not serious, we feel like strangers by the night "
I had tinder for normal use, obviously after getting into the relationship with her I stopped talking to girls. She saw the app and asked what it was, I explained and she started liking/disliking people saying its kinda fun and laughing. 3 days after she was with her sister and asked for my phone to show her Tinder, they both were "playing" with it and she said "You do have a lot of matches, Im kinda proud". A week after this she did the drama when some girl said hi (she knew that girl just not personally) saying "You are not serious, we feel like strangers by the night "
This is incredibly hard to believe, but believe me, you could not have fixed this. She's a girl that creates emotional havoc around her, because it's the way she can have control. She essentially emotionally manipulates you to be right where she wants you to be. It's a game you don't want to play. There are also girls out there that don't play that game.
Why do you want to 'fix' it, though?
I mean, if you enjoy drama over absolutely nothing, then sure, go ahead. But if trivial things are already big deals worthy of this kind of drama, imagine if things got serious. Is this really something you want to get into?
I was in those shoes. Cute girl, but would play games and create drama over non-issues. In hindsight she was pretty immature and manipulative. Despite all this, during that time I thought things were all great. I was blinded by infatuation. I've learned my lesson since and told myself I would never disrespect myself so much as to put myself in such a situation ever again. When you later meet a girl that's genuine and doesn't pull this kind of crap, you'll wonder why you ever bothered to waste your time on such dumb games
Oh. I don't really know how FB works, so nevermind, that's fine.
I'm still iffy on the whole other thing, tbh; there's a difference between a box in the attic and files on the phone you're using (?), but hey, she's the therapist. I still stand by the fact that, if a new SO were to see that on your phone she probably wouldn't be quite as understanding.
If she was in an open relationship, she should have made it far more obvious (just a random aside there)
Off topic, but auto-correct is <3
Am I doing the right thing by just letting this all happen? I know this doubty mood is transient but
Unless she's really bad at it, but yeah probably not
stn
Member
No. The moment you have the mentality of "I need to fix this person", its over. Basically, she was playing hot-and-cold with you because she could. That moment when she told you she saw nothing in you but you could still date her - that was the point where you should have stopped pursuing her. She was framing dating her as some sort of God-given privilege. She's insecure and wanting attention.
You're either the confident type that immediately tells the person to cut the shit--which you didn't do at first--or you move on. There is no "fixing". You were infatuated enough that you allowed her to disrespect you on multiple occasions. Because she was getting away with it, she subconsciously devalued you in her mind. You're not the "strong" guy she wants, basically.
Find a normal, secure girl who doesn't care about petty shit. There are lots. Stop wasting time over a disrespectful person and go meet new people. Easy as that.
lol
As for your situation, it seems as though the decision's already made? I'm not quite sure what you're asking. It sucks I'm sure, but it seems better for the both of you to break it off.
PflargBlarg
Member
NO. No. Noooooo.
You should never talk to her again, get yourself together man. Look at the things that this girl has said to you. No person with an ounce of self-respect would stick around with this asshole. Be a better man than that, drop her right now.
Thanks guys I really appreciate your time . As I said I've checked her since 2011 or 2012, I was in a bad relationship at the time that ended 1 year later, now that i finally got the chance to talk to her and all I kinda felt "happy" . It's just my brain that hasn't realized the difference between the real her and my imagination of the platonic her.
Also we are both 27, you'd think that after a certain age the online dramas and social media blocking would stop, but nope I sill get this shit
Also we are both 27, you'd think that after a certain age the online dramas and social media blocking would stop, but nope I sill get this shit
BravesCountry
Banned
Got a message from my ex around 8 pm:
Fuck I miss you. I feel you slipping. When you move back to New York I will lose all peace and I am freaking out.
Perhaps we can do one more dinner? Before you leave? This can't go anywhere but .. I want to say goodbye. When do you leave?
My answer:
I leave for New York on Saturday. I could meet up tonight or tomorrow but I don't want to meet up if you can't even consider getting back together. You know what I'm going through right now, and if you don't believe in us I need to move on.
I don't understand where she is at at all, she claims to still have feelings yet isn't willing to try and make it work. I admit doing another bout of long distance sounds tough but hell im willing to do anything and I feel like she is just playing with my emotions. I sent her this long beautiful message yesterday, she said there is something blocking her from us getting back together. Then a day later I get this message from her that you see above. I'm still waiting for the reply and its agonizing. I hate this so much. I've been trying hard to fight for this and she has been sending mixed messages this entire week on how she misses me but this can't work.
Fuck I miss you. I feel you slipping. When you move back to New York I will lose all peace and I am freaking out.
Perhaps we can do one more dinner? Before you leave? This can't go anywhere but .. I want to say goodbye. When do you leave?
My answer:
I leave for New York on Saturday. I could meet up tonight or tomorrow but I don't want to meet up if you can't even consider getting back together. You know what I'm going through right now, and if you don't believe in us I need to move on.
I don't understand where she is at at all, she claims to still have feelings yet isn't willing to try and make it work. I admit doing another bout of long distance sounds tough but hell im willing to do anything and I feel like she is just playing with my emotions. I sent her this long beautiful message yesterday, she said there is something blocking her from us getting back together. Then a day later I get this message from her that you see above. I'm still waiting for the reply and its agonizing. I hate this so much. I've been trying hard to fight for this and she has been sending mixed messages this entire week on how she misses me but this can't work.
I understand. I do not check her social media anymore, because I know that when I do, it is soul crushing pain that I ultimately do to myself by looking. The last time I looked was 3 weeks ago, which sunk me so low that I looked for a therapist.
...what?
A new girlfriend would have to dig through over 40-50 people's text message threads before they found my ex. She is buried deep in my phone.
My weakness is my sentimentality. However, I do not check it. Just knowing it's still there gives me some sort of weird comfort, like I can still cherish the good times with the memories. Having that to look back on (even though I do not) gives me an OK feeling. I don't really know how to explain it.
Damn, kind of in a similar situation. If I were you I would definitely go see her, but I'm weak... Go to dinner and see if you can really figure her out. At least you have the opportunity to see her.
BravesCountry
Banned
I'm not going to meet up with her just because she wants to deal with some emotions, I tried to suggest meeting up twice and she turned it down. Only way I will meet up is if she is willing to work towards something, I'm not at her beck and call when she wants it. I've been heartbroken trying to win her back to the point of seeing a therapist. I can't do this any longer if she doesn't want this.
Didnt see the part where she said this cant go anywhere. That's annoying... Major confusion..
AdventureRacing
Member
You're still not over your ex and this is like one final thing letting you hold onto the past so you don't have to fully move on. Personally I think just saving those things whether you look or not is only compounding your current state of mind. I think actually getting rid of all your connections is the first big step to finally moving on.
I also question whether it's sentimentality or just your way of not actually moving on. You're not cherishing great memories, you're holding onto regrets and that's why you still can't move forward.
BravesCountry
Banned
It's killing me. I feel so close to having her back yet it's just out of reach
It sounds like she's awfully confused too. It happens, she might just be letting the break-up emotions do the talking.
BravesCountry
Banned
We have been broken up for about 7 weeks now, not sure if that changes things.
Roberto Larcos
Member
Sometimes girls just flake. You see it a ton on Tinder. It stings a little, but you just need to be confident in the fact that you're not the one with the problem, and that you didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, and one copy of that 'Perfect Dates' book to go, thanks.
Thanks guys I really appreciate your time . As I said I've checked her since 2011 or 2012, I was in a bad relationship at the time that ended 1 year later, now that i finally got the chance to talk to her and all I kinda felt "happy" . It's just my brain that hasn't realized the difference between the real her and my imagination of the platonic her.
Also we are both 27, you'd think that after a certain age the online dramas and social media blocking would stop, but nope I sill get this shit
That last part is a good anchor point for you to hold on to. I know it's kind of tough when everyone tells you some girl you like is bad news, and I know it can sting. So many don't say something so clear for no reason. The up- and downside of someone who creates a lot of drama is that the good times feel so damn good, often. It's merely contrast, and it's this idea that "this would be perfect, if it weren't for the bad times". You masterfully point out that there's likely a disparity between who you hope she is and who she really is. That's a great skill.
Ouch. Normally, in situations like that, at least the ex won't say "I miss you, but we can't be anything" in the same message. Usually it comes later. So, wow. You are right, and I'll just be blunt about it. She is playing with your emotions. She's keeping you right where she wants you, and it's not right. When she's the one to break up, why can't she have the decency to leave you alone? As you said, you are going through a tough time, and her not respecting you by leaving you alone isn't making anything any better. It's time to show that you're not her comforter. All the great things you were to her, all the great support and great stuff you brought to her life are not privileges she is going to continue to get when she breaks up with you. She's trying to keep you in her life at the amount she wishes. That's not fair to you. She can't separate "the things she misses" away from "her boyfriend" and expect to have you in her life for the support she might need.
But please, do not plead to get back together. Respect her decision, also. This is not at all about the fact that you shouldn't get back with her, or anything like that. This is about how if you keep pushing for that, and you show her you're going to disappear from her life unless you get back together, you're sort of holding that position as ransom to see her, and she might actually cave in, say she wants to work on it, while not really meaning it. Everybody would miss someone that's been a huge part of their lives. What silly is that she sort of didn't realize that, and that makes her confused, and trying to hold on. So don't force her into a situation she's obviously not for.
It's time to look forwards. I'd recommend you focusing on the next chapter of your life. Have it be a positive new start. If you sustain this by sending long messages in a hope to win her back, you'll only remain hung up on her, and you'll hamper yourself in your moving.
EDIT: Reading the further posts makes it clear that it's time to let go of this. Seven weeks of trying to win her back shows it is to no avail. She's remained adamant so far, don't win her back by wearing her down. She's broken up with you. That hurts. A lot. Take the good and the bad parts from it, and look forwards. It's really, really crappy of her to sustain your attention by sending you messages like that, but realize that that is what she's doing.
It's understandable. It's the feeling that they're there if you ever DID need them. That makes it less scary than it being gone forever. I don't really know if that's sentimental value, though. I get the fear of letting go, but as I said before, perhaps you can use that to wipe the slate clean? It might help you move on. Dating others to get over her is the only thing that's certain won' help. I'm glad to her you're not checking her social media, and that's good.
If there's ever thoughts or feelings you want to, or need to, discuss, we're always here!
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
When I Skyped with a woman last night the connection was very poor. She said next time we could try Facetime. I'm not sure what would be an appropriate time to ask.
Agree. I would not meet her. It will just cause you more hurt, even if you think you want to see her again. but ask yourself, what would be the point? She's being selfish and playing with your emotions (it can be an unconscious thing rather than just out of spite).
Shuggananas
Banned
Are you guys far apart? A poor connection is a great opportunity to say that since it didn't work that well to Skype, you should meet for a coffee! Today is a great day to suggest that!
BravesCountry
Banned
I actually just started fighting for it 2/3 weeks ago, but you're right she has remained adamant that she has feelings for me and misses me but can't make it work. She initially threatened breaking up with me before actually wanting to because she thought it would spur some reaction or change in me, but I instead let it push me further away. For 2 weeks she occasionally tried to get me to take her back and was crying every single night (found this out later). Then 2 weeks or so after that I realize how much she meant to me after being in denial for so long. At that point she was really angry at me and put up a wall on her feelings, tried to act like she had moved on and it was the worst feeling in the world so I guess it worked. Just a really horrible situation all over, this just never had to happen this way. I agree, I do need to move on. I didn't know how else to phrase that message though. I didn't want to hold her ransom to getting back to together but that is truly the only way I would be willing to see her. I guess I can't just accept she doesn't want anything and if for some reason in the future she truly still misses me and actually wants to work on something she can reach out.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Or just hang out ?
That's what I wanted to do, but she suggested it before I had the chance. I want to respect her comfort level.
Maybe I should FaceTime soon so that can happen. I just don't want to be pushy or seem desperate.
This is my situation. I think I'm just gonna dive on tinder and look for something not so serious. I just hate the feeling of being alone
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Meeting someone when you're both considering dating each other can't be pushy or desperate.
You know more of the situation than we do, so I can't say what her comfort level is. But remember that you're not being pushy by suggesting going for a coffee. I understand the sentiment, but it's important to understand that 'not being pushy' doesn't mean that every whim of the girl should be catered to, or that whatever she says is what has to be. Despite the fact that she suggested that, you can send her a message today that says "hey, since Skype didn't work that well, I'm thinking FaceTime might be the same. What about if we met for a cup of coffee this weekend, instead?"
Again, you know the situation best. If you want us to gauge it more, for you, feel free to elaborate
The most important thing, here, is that you're not being pushy by suggesting going for a cofffee. I'd hate to see you fall victim to thinking it's nice to not take initiative. Girls really do like guys that can take initiative and show confidence!What would you be looking for? A string of one night stands? I think there's an abundance of people in the world that have tried to cover up a feeling of being lonely by seeking random sexual encounters, and I don't think any one of them have found any solace in that. I find that a good social network in the ways of friends is what keeps one not being lonely when one's single. The moment only a girl can fill that void is when you're looking for someone for the wrong reasons.
Like everyone's been telling you in the other thread:
STOP WAITING WITH THESE BABY STEPS
ASK HER OUT NOW
OKC, then Skype, then Facetime, then texting, then maybe, finally, possibly a date. Come on. You're wasting your time. Ask her out to coffee or something already, and don't use 'oh but she asked me to do this' as an excuse. Stop. Just do it. She very might be just using you for attention when she's bored, and asking her out to a REAL meetup with REAL face-to-face action will put a quick stop to that. You do actually wanna go out on a date, right? Take control of the situation.
I really don't get the point of skype or facetime before meeting someone. Getting to know someone? Isn't that the whole point of a low-pressure neutral-zone coffee date? It just seems like a lot of investment into what may amount to nothing. At least with a quick first date, you'll know if things click or not.
Honestly, if someone tried to circumvent the first date meeting by proposing all these alternatives that involved not actually meeting, it would be a major turn-off and I would consider it a waste of my time
Honestly, if someone tried to circumvent the first date meeting by proposing all these alternatives that involved not actually meeting, it would be a major turn-off and I would consider it a waste of my time
Shuggananas
Banned
skyping/facetime is useless, keep it to texts and when you feel confident ask her out
Just pretend you're not available to skype or whatever, if you can see her just see her
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Thanks. That's what I just sent her, almost verbatim.You know more of the situation than we do, so I can't say what her comfort level is. But remember that you're not being pushy by suggesting going for a coffee. I understand the sentiment, but it's important to understand that 'not being pushy' doesn't mean that every whim of the girl should be catered to, or that whatever she says is what has to be. Despite the fact that she suggested that, you can send her a message today that says "hey, since Skype didn't work that well, I'm thinking FaceTime might be the same. What about if we met for a cup of coffee this weekend, instead?"
Again, you know the situation best. If you want us to gauge it more, for you, feel free to elaborate
It is done.
I really hope that's not the case. For an attractive woman who most assuredly gets tons of messages that would be really fucked up.
Yay <3
And I also hope it's not the case. People can be jerks sometimes, though, so hopefully it'll go well for you.
BravesCountry
Banned
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:
"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!
We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.
If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."
I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.
Hold me gaf
"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!
We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.
If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."
I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.
Hold me gaf
PflargBlarg
Member
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:
"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!
We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.
If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."
I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.
Hold me gaf
Man, that is pretty messed up. What kind of person spews about being in so love with you and happy and then a sentence later is like "lol yeah btw though, nothing can ever happen". Yeah, I don't see any benefit in you meeting up with her. Tough it out brother!
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:
"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!
We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.
If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."
I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.
Hold me gaf
This sounds mean, but maybe you should block her. All this is doing is hurting you.
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