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My ex wife is trying to destroy me...

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Newline

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Alienous said:
I have no experience of this and I doubt my advice has any worth on the subject but I'd let her know that she's trying to ruin your life. I'd state it to her plainly; "You're trying to destroy me".

I'd tell her that, if nothing else, she shouldn't try to ruin the relationship your children might have with their father. And I'd make sure that she's aware you are recording every transgression, and every moment she tries to separate you from your children, and that you'll make sure your children know when they come of age. If nothing else you won't allow yourself to be blamed for your children being unable to spend time with you.

Otherwise I don't know what legal recourse you can take. And again take my advice with a grain of salt. Do what you think is best and do not let her destroy you.
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No OP, don't start using your children as ammunition.
 
Ceallach

Ceallach

Smells like fresh rosebuds
Toasted Bread said:
What's the difference between child support and maintainance? Are they the same thing? Or is maintainance meaning rent, bills, etc?

Genuine question.
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Maintenance is like alimony/patrimony, money that is supposed to keep them in the lifestyle they are accustomed to.
 
ElfArmy177

ElfArmy177

Member
Absoludacrous said:
Have you asked the lawyer how long you'd be expected to pay based on the second job after you quit? From my experience, they don't base child support on "potential income" forever, so check and see if quitting the job now might give you more reasonable payments in the future.

No matter what happens, spending time with your children should be your first priority now, and it sounds like getting out of that second job is the best for everyone involved in the long term, so your goal should be accepting that you're going to do that and then look at every possible angle to find the best way to do it.
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That's literally all I care about is being with them, for example I have them this weekend... and I'm at work until probably 5pm, they fall asleep at 7. By the time I get home it will be close to 6. Last weekend my daughter asked me why I don't want to spend time with her and would rather work. I don't know how to say "because your mom is a fucking evil devil" without sounding like an asshole. It's not my daughters fault.. So I just say I want to see her but daddy unfortunately has to work. She's 5 years old. I hate all of this. I see my kids sad every weekend because they have to spend it with grandma instead of daddy. I feel like they think I don't love them
 
R

Rad-

Member
ElfArmy177 said:
That's literally all I care about is being with them, for example I have them this weekend... and I'm at work until probably 5pm, they fall asleep at 7. By the time I get home it will be close to 6. Last weekend my daughter asked me why I don't want to spend time with her and would rather work. I don't know how to say "because your mom is a fucking evil devil" without sounding like an asshole. It's not my daughters fault.. So I just say I want to see her but daddy unfortunately has to work. She's 5 years old. I hate all of this. I see my kids sad every weekend because they have to spend it with grandma instead of daddy. I feel like they think I don't love them
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:(

Bruh you really need to find a way to get fired from the weekend job.
 
T

The Wall

Banned
ElfArmy177 said:
I have, he said that because I worked the two jobs for over two years they will force me to keep the hours because its what my children are used to, is having that income
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See your doctor, tell him how unsustainable this is for you now because of how damaging it has been to your health for several years. Even if you just get something to start with: a written doctor's note to start saying you're going to burn out and break down from working two jobs and then you're ex-wife and kids will be fucked too! (Not trying to sound like an ass: you just need to talk to a medical professional, social worker, counsellor, etc- someone who can step in and tell the idiots who are unable to notice already that what they are asking just isn't sustainable or reasonable.)
 
G

gamz

Member
Tak3n said:
I once worked with a guy who was getting screwed for everything, one night he snapped and just quit, went on the dole and he never had to pay again...

probably extreme but it sounds like becoming poor is your only option
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OMG! DO NOT DO THIS! My brother has 3 kids and tried this and served quite a bit of time in Jail. He's kids are all older now and he lives a very, very sad life.
 
LiquidMetal14

LiquidMetal14

hide your water-based mammals
Absolutely criminal how good and supporting fathers get the shaft here in the US.

I hope this works out for you.

Consider leaving g that second job. Yours kids are more important. Downgrade your lifestyle. Make compromises.
 
S

shanshan310

Member
SillyEskimo said:
A stay at home parent always fucks over the working spouse in a divorce. The fact that in your case its a wife + kids means you are super duper fucked.

Divorce is already shitty. It's disturbing that a mistake in love will end up costing you financially for years and years after the relationship has ended.

Sorry OP. I really hope things work out for you.
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In this case it's particularly shitty but you know there's a reason for that in general right?

My mother was a stay at home parent and when my dad left her she was basically fucked money wise. Very little super, a huge gap in her resume, and she is still unemployed but no one will hire her because she assumed a support role in the family and is old with not a lot of marketable skills.
 
C

ColdPizza

Banned
dEvAnGeL said:
to every man out there! regardless of how much you love your significant other and think you know them, sign a freaking prenup, that's what i did and i sleep peacefully at night, my money is mine, her money is hers, whatever we have on both our names gets divided equally, end of story, sorry for you OP
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A prenup doesn't apply here. We are talking about child support.
 
S

Symphonia

Banned
NoblesseOblige said:
Maintenance is like child support... for the ex-spouse. It's for them to continue something resembling what they were accustomed to rather than say, someone being literally thrown onto the street after a divorce.
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ElfArmy177 said:
Maintience is calculated before child support. In the past judges sometimes didn't allow maintience however Illinois changed their law last year stating maintaincen is mandatory now. Maintience can be up to 40% of your income, which is then added to child support which is 32% of your income.. Basically don't get married and have kids :(
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Damn, that's fucking rough. In the UK, we pay maintainance through the CSA (Child Support Agency) which covers the essentials for the child, such as food, clothes, etc. I really don't get how the US system thinks it's necessary for you to pay for your ex-wife's lifestyle. The only money you should have to pay is towards the upbringing of your child, like it is here in the UK. I've only ever paid money towards my daughter, not my ex.
 
M

Mesousa

Banned
ElfArmy177 said:
That's literally all I care about is being with them, for example I have them this weekend... and I'm at work until probably 5pm, they fall asleep at 7. By the time I get home it will be close to 6. Last weekend my daughter asked me why I don't want to spend time with her and would rather work. I don't know how to say "because your mom is a fucking evil devil" without sounding like an asshole. It's not my daughters fault.. So I just say I want to see her but daddy unfortunately has to work. She's 5 years old. I hate all of this. I see my kids sad every weekend because they have to spend it with grandma instead of daddy. I feel like they think I don't love them
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God damn the feels :(

I knew you were in Illinois as soon as I read the thread title. The absolute worst state when it comes to this for the average man.
 
ElfArmy177

ElfArmy177

Member
oneils said:
Sounds like you didn't have a strategy going in to the divorce. Go over to the dadsdivorce forum and they may be able to help. Have you moved out of the marital residence? If so, that has hurt you.

You also need to change the status quo somehow.
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I didn't. I basically asked for the divorce and wanted to go through mediation. Thst didn't work and now its all a nightmare. I'm being punished for working like a dog
 
G

gamz

Member
ElfArmy177 said:
I'm in Illinois. It's not 75% of the total. The problem is thst now thst I don't get my second jobs income on a regular basis, if I don't get hours its 75%. But I can't prove much because my last w2 I got the hours because I had to have them. I begged for them to prevent forclosure. Im out of options. I called my lawyer practically in tears and he said "you can't just quit your job and I can't tell you to quit, but I will tell you child laws do not allow a parent to get out of financial obligations. These circumstances are very unusual so I will do what I can but there is a very good chance we will lose because you've had thst income for so long. Judges frown upon dad's quitting jobs to get out of financial responsibility, its very likely they will make you responsible for thst extra income so the children live the same life they've been used to." Then he said "it's too bad you can't get laid off" which I'm sure was a way of saying "dude try your ass off to get laid off or fired without seeming like you did it" but I don't know how to just get laid off. I told him I'm basically barred from my children and he said "that's unfortunate and I understand but you would have to prove you're required to take call on your other weekends and maybe the judge will allow it"
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I live in IL also and the maintenance thing seems absurd. I'd talk to another lawyer man.
 
T

trembli0s

Member
I can't believe Illinois has such shitty legal guidelines. IIRC the law in Texas has a lower percentage per child that's considered reasonable and maintenance is heavily frowned upon by the state judges, unless you are loaded and your wife hasn't had to work a day in her life.

I think you have to get fired in this situation from the second job.
 
oneils

oneils

Member
Before you do anything, go to dadsdivorce forum. Seriously. They have been helping fathers through divorces for years. They are going to eat you up and spit you out if it looks like you are not willing to take their advice. But you need to listen to them.

Also, from what I've seen, Illinois is the toughest state on fathers. But I still recommend checking it out.
 
G

grimmiq

Member
I didn't think Divorce could get this bad..Sounds more like a Law and Order episode that ends with one partner hiring a hitman..
 
ElfArmy177

ElfArmy177

Member
Son1x said:
Wait what, you have to pay the maintenance even if she has a job?
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In Illinois yea... New law. I don't mind paying for my kids. I'll pay 50% for my kids if it meant they have a good life... What I don't want is to support the bitch who ruined my life. I feel like I should have quit the other job over a year ago but then she wouldn't have a car
 
A

Aztechnology

Member
The Wall said:
See your doctor, tell him how unsustainable this is for you now because of how damaging it has been to your health for several years. Even if you just get something to start with: a written doctor's note to start saying you're going to burn out and break down from working two jobs and then you're ex-wife and kids will be fucked too! (Not trying to sound like an ass: you just need to talk to a medical professional, social worker, counsellor, etc- someone who can step in and tell the idiots who are unable to notice already that what they are asking just isn't sustainable or reasonable.)
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I agree with this. At least as a first step.
 
C

ColdPizza

Banned
My boss is going through a similar situation. His ex wife was a stay at home mom and she absolutely raked him over the coals. He makes probably well over 6 figures and has almost nothing to show for it.
 
Emedan

Emedan

Member
Is 800 after bills? Just for food and other expenses? If so that's seems normal to me. On the other hand paying almost a low income job salary a month in child support is fucked up.
 
H

H.Protagonist

[-_-]/
Sorry to hear that things have reached such a terrible point, OP. I hope an amicable (and reasonable) solution can be found for you and your family.


SillyEskimo said:
A stay at home parent always fucks over the working spouse in a divorce. The fact that in your case its a wife + kids means you are super duper fucked.

Divorce is already shitty. It's disturbing that a mistake in love will end up costing you financially for years and years after the relationship has ended.

Sorry OP. I really hope things work out for you.
Click to expand...

While OP's particular sit sounds really imbalanced and depressing, I'm always confused and/or dismayed to see the stay at home 'position' written off as somehow a free ride or something less than the working position. Raising kids is a 24-7 job and pulls that parent out of the work force (sometimes to the absolute tanking of their career and future earning potential) and is a huge sacrifice. Plus, when suing for custody, they'd be the ones taking care of the kids still, which again, is not some kind of free money ride. This is obviously tangential to the OP's problem, but it does bother me to see it, probably more so now that I'm going to be in this sit shortly.
 
J

Jack The Nipper

Banned
How do you only have 800 left you mean after you pay your bills and things?


near 30,000 a year going to her is a good amount, more than most poeple make actually

But you should still have near 30,000 plus for you. What are you doing with it
 
R

Rad-

Member
ElfArmy177 said:
In Illinois yea... New law. I don't mind paying for my kids. I'll pay 50% for my kids if it meant they have a good life... What I don't want is to support the bitch who ruined my life. I feel like I should have quit the other job over a year ago but then she wouldn't have a car
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Wait she has a job and you have to still give her 40% of your income? Get a second opinion ASAP. That definitely doesn't sound right no matter where you live.
 
S

shanshan310

Member
The Wall said:
See your doctor, tell him how unsustainable this is for you now because of how damaging it has been to your health for several years. Even if you just get something to start with: a written doctor's note to start saying you're going to burn out and break down from working two jobs and then you're ex-wife and kids will be fucked too! (Not trying to sound like an ass: you just need to talk to a medical professional, social worker, counsellor, etc- someone who can step in and tell the idiots who are unable to notice already that what they are asking just isn't sustainable or reasonable.)
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+1 for this. That doctor's opinion will likely count for something in court.
 
L

Led_Zeppelin

Member
This is why whenever I think I am starting a serious relationship I talk with my layer and protect myself from this. Of course women don't like this but better safe than sorry. I saw a friend going though the same legal bullshit where he lost almost everything despite he being the only one in the relationship with income and the one that bought everything.
 
S

Shredderi

Member
Toasted Bread said:
Damn, that's fucking rough. In the UK, we pay maintainance through the CSA (Child Support Agency) which covers the essentials for the child, such as food, clothes, etc. I really don't get how the US system thinks it's necessary for you to pay for your ex-wife's lifestyle. The only money you should have to pay is towards the upbringing of your child, like it is here in the UK. I've only ever paid money towards my daughter, not my ex.
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Yup. The whole notion of paying your ex-wife - not just kids - money after marriage is absurd to me. Like one big joke.
 
N

NoblesseOblige

Banned
Toasted Bread said:
Damn, that's fucking rough. In the UK, we pay maintainance through the CSA (Child Support Agency) which covers the essentials for the child, such as food, clothes, etc. I really don't get how the US system thinks it's necessary for you to pay for your ex-wife's lifestyle. The only money you should have to pay is towards the upbringing of your child, like it is here in the UK. I've only ever paid money towards my daughter, not my ex.
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Shredderi said:
Yup. The whole notion of paying your ex-wife - not just kids - money after marriage is absurd to me. Like one big joke.
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It's for a good reason that unfortunately hasn't been updated and is easy to abuse. There was a time women couldn't work, or if they could, it was in low paying jobs compared to those available to men. So women married men who were obviously richer, and a lot became stay-at-home mothers. Now let's say after 5 years the husband becomes abusive. Well without the financial support following a divorce than the wife is likely to remain in an abusive relationship otherwise they'd have no prospect of being able to make any sort of living. However in this case according to the OP it was actually the stay-at-home spouse who became abusive. This is something that should nullify maintenance as far as I'm concerned, however the unfortunate truth is it's difficult to prove and/or a lot of judges or whoever don't take it as serious as they should.
 
C

ColdPizza

Banned
OP, you mentioned your ex has a new partner. Are they by chance living together? Depending on your local laws this may be grounds for lessening or eliminating the spousal support since her financial situation has improved.
 
S

shanshan310

Member
H.Protagonist said:
Sorry to hear that things have reached such a terrible point, OP. I hope an amicable (and reasonable) solution can be found for you and your family.




While OP's particular sit sounds really imbalanced and depressing, I'm always confused and/or dismayed to see the stay at home 'position' written off as somehow a free ride or something less than the working position. Raising kids is a 24-7 job and pulls that parent out of the work force (sometimes to the absolute tanking of their career and future earning potential) and is a huge sacrifice. Plus, when suing for custody, they'd be the ones taking care of the kids still, which again, is not some kind of free money ride. This is obviously tangential to the OP's problem, but it does bother me to see it, probably more so now that I'm going to be in this sit shortly.
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mmm, I agree Hpro. Being a stay at home parent is a massive sacrifice to your career and financial stability. If you ever end up divorced as a stay at home mum, your job prospects are generally really awful - and you generally have to look after the kids as well.

It's not like they get a free ride and then free money to spend on handbags after the divorce. Maintenance takes into account the reduced earning capacity of single mothers who used to be stay at home parents.
 
ElfArmy177

ElfArmy177

Member
Rad- said:
Wait she has a job and you have to still give her 40% of your income? Get a second opinion ASAP. That definitely doesn't sound right no matter where you live.
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Maintience is *up to 40%. She would get roughly 700 a month based off both jobs. If I didn't have my second job it would be 300 a month. If I didn't have my second job counted it would be 1100 child support and 300 in maintience. Which is reasonable because its based off one job. However if its based off both they will take the child support from one job, and the maintience would be given in check form. So it would be over 2200 a month atleast. I make on average 3000 a month take home from my one job
 
G

gamz

Member
PeakPointMatrix said:
Reading through your situation is giving me a panic attack.

How can some people be so evil...??
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That's divorce. I swear my EX was the most even tempered person in the world I would never of thought she would be as ruthless as she was. Unless it's a mutual decision of both parties wanting a divorce it's a nightmare. And the crazy thing is it's such a waste of fucking money on Lawyers.
 
ElfArmy177

ElfArmy177

Member
shanshan310 said:
mmm, I agree Hpro. Being a stay at home parent is a massive sacrifice to your career and financial stability. If you ever end up divorced as a stay at home mum, your job prospects are generally really awful - and you generally have to look after the kids as well.

It's not like they get a free ride and then free money to spend on handbags after the divorce. Maintenance takes into account the reduced earning capacity of single mothers who used to be stay at home parents.
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Though I agree with you, my ex wife dropped out of high school and dropped out of college. A year before the divorce she was in school and just stopped going. I was even doing her study guides for her and helping her in her online tests. She dropped out because she was too tired to do it online at night... Even though I was working two jobs and was in school as well.. And when I got home I'm the one who cooked dinner and helped get the kids in bed by 7
 
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