Had a breakdown at work today. Started crying on the sales floor and had to run to the back room quickly until I could gather myself. Usually I'm better at keeping things internalized, but I'm at the point now where things are starting to seep into my work and education. This semester has been way harder than it should be given the joke classes I'm taking.
Personally I don't find keeping things internalized to be very effective, so it's often a matter of finding the right methods and venues for externalizing things so they're not just popping up at random.
For instance, every evening I sit for at least 10 minutes and try to consciously face my feelings that I've been avoiding. I usually cry. It is uncomfortable and runs counter to decades of learning how to suppress and avoid. But it takes a lot of the pressure off.
First time I posted here.. My birthday was earlier in the month and only three people said anything about it.. I'm currently stuck in a dead end job but I graduated from a community college in a field that I might no longer have an interest in. I'd like something else but I don't have the tiniest clue on what I'd like to do.. Other fields require work experience relating to the job in question and I don't have it. i have no connections so nobody will take a chance with me.. I feel hopeless and tired.
Glad you could join us, mercenar1e. It's important to keep in mind that nearly any long term goal seems impossible when we look at it and the steps involved in aggregate; while we need to have an idea of where we want to head long term we can only head in that direction one small step at a time. So the question is - what's the first small step? Then what's the second? And so on!
Been feeling off for three months and went to the doctor couple of times, he suspects lyme disease considering I take care of dogs for a side job and I found a couple of ticks on my dog as well.
Been also feeling a bit of joint pain, flu like illnesses, heart palpitations and left sided muscle weakness. He said my western blot had some signs of the bacterial disease so he sent me to get a IGENEX blood test and now I'm waiting. Some days I feel fine, others I feel off, considering some people I know have gotten diagnosed for it, I feel I may have gotten it as well.
I hope you find answers soon, DL. Best of luck with your health.
Beginning to think moving to colorado how and when i did is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Really wish I could slink back to Florida to get my finances straight, be able to get a career path established that isn't minimum wage.
But I want to stay here, somewhat out of pride but mostly because I want to attend the film school here and I don't want to throw away the months I've built up towards qualifying for instate tuition. But what with me having to dip into my car fund to afford food and going ghost with my phone till my tax return comes in, it's looking like moving states rather than changing apartments is the more reasonable thing to do come May.
And that kind of feels terrible.
Pride has a way of clouding our better judgment at times, BD. The question is, is there a way to gain a clearer perspective and make a decision from there?
I almost considered moving out to Colorado for school two years ago, actually, and tortured myself over the decision for days. Moving was what I
wanted to do but staying with my family was what I knew I
should do. Likely I would've figured it out either way, but still, it was an interesting way to think about it: what do we WANT versus what do we NEED? Sometimes they are the same, sometimes they are not.
I have my good days and my bad days.
The good days though? Good days are the ones where everything flows and everything feels synchronized. Things could be better, but you don't feel obligated to humor the many burdens you carry. You don't have the interest of impressing society, just impressing you. You don't feel honor bound by those rigid standards. If anything, you make it a point to run contrary to those standards and throughout this day, take it for what it is and let go of the steering wheel.
The common thread of my bad days revolve around some sense of urgency. They have the narrative of not having much time left to do the things I want before I am ostracized from certain activities because I am "too old" or a major illness of any kind sets in. It's one part mortality and one part wasted youth. Everything is cut and dry and cut throat if I am in a negative state of mind. There is no wiggle room for failures, past or present. Just more cards in the deck stacked against you. Forget your aspirations as probability suggests you won't ever attain them, especially not in this economy!
Today, I had the latter and I am recognizing it. That doesn't mean it's less painful or scary, but at least I am not letting it take the wheel either.
I continue to be impressed by your insight, FITG.
I find it interesting that the sense of urgency stems from both the past and the future, while the good days seem to be where you can stay in the present moment.
I don't know what's going on with me. I've been dealing with family issues that piss me off for years, and very strong feelings for one of my best friends for months, but for the last 3 days I just feel numb. I'm around her and I don't feel the love I used to, but I know I still care about her. I can barely muster up the energy to talk to her because I just feel empty and drained. I'm hoping the new dosage of Paxil will help, but who even fucking knows anymore. I'm just so tired to all of this.
I hope you're able to find some solace from this difficult period, MattyG. If the Paxil doesn't work out there are many other options to be explored.
My best friend - my only friend - is moving to Spain on Friday. Once she's gone, I will have literally no-one left in my life. I feel as if everything around me is becoming unravelled and falling apart. This girl means everything to me. I love her. I have done for years. And now she's about to walk out my life for good. My only strand of a social life is with her. Come Friday...nothing. I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do.
There is no spinning just how difficult it is to lose a friend, Symphonia, but that is the unfortunate reality of the world we live in these days - people are always coming and going, and we must do our best to adapt to the changing circumstances.
I know it seems like the obvious answer, and that it isn't necessarily easy, but it's important to try to branch out and make new friends. Isolation is a scourge, and while firing up a social life can be uncomfortable and taxing it's an uncomfortable and taxing learning experience we all must have that will better prepare us for when the next change inevitably comes along.
Do you have any venues, currently, for meeting new people? If not, there are many possibilities out there!
I decided I'm done trying to get "better," for now, anyway. I just end up feeling like shit when my sleep schedule rotates into the "stay up all night, sleep all day" phase, when I get anxiety about going places. I'm just going to focus on my writing. Maybe I'll start trying to go for walks, but at this point it's been three years and I'm sick of trying and not making any progress.
Yeah, I'm going through a very similar experience with my best friend. Had a huge thing for her for a couple of months (which I attributed mostly to her being the only girl in my life), but now I just don't care anymore. I mean, I care about her quite a bit, but talking to her has just become a drain.
What do you define as "better" Tapejara? Perhaps better could not be defined through your sleep schedule or your anxiety but rather your judgment of yourself when those circumstances arise.
Been having some real ups and downs lately. Got laid off from my job of 4 years and the other day I finally talked with my father about my depression and got told I was basically making it up. The only good thing in all this is I finally have my insurance, HMO picked and will have my first doctors appoitment next month. And I got my first unemployment check today so theres that I guess.
I'm sorry to hear you got laid off, BlueSummers. You made a good step in scheduling a doctors appointment; I hope it goes well.
i'm beginning to resent my medication. it's gotten rid of the lows but it feels a bit like being in suspended animation. nothing has changed for like, going on nine months, just a kind of trudging grey monotony. there's no highs either. thankfully i've finally started CBT so hopefully i can come off it reasonably soon.
Medication is ultimately a tool, not necessarily a solution. It can alleviate our symptoms, as you say it has done to you, but it won't change the ways our mind perpetuates our difficulties. I think CBT is a great next step, godelsmetric, and I hope it works out well.
I have a history with depression, I had it for two years starting in 2013 and I managed to beat it when I moved to Germany from England and started anew with my other half. I was 18 at the time when I moved so I didn't really have any work opportunities, though I tried my hardest to learn the language. I got a job as a technical writer over the internet for a VPN vendor and it paid enough to live. I left August last year by myself to get my career started and I started to live with my parents again.
First few months were tough, being rebuffed from interviews for apprenticeships but I got one finally with the NHS and it is going well, I have been working there for three months now. I took a holiday recently back to Germany to see my other half and we had a wonderful time. I have said goodbye to her a great number of times and this time for some reason was the toughest, even though everything is in place more than ever. Ever since coming back I just can't look forward to anything. I buy myself a vinyl every month or so to give me something to look forward to but that doesn't feel the gap completely.
I miss my independence wholly, I can't afford my own place with the poor apprentice wages (£3.30/h) my money goes to my other half anyway as I don't need it, it helps her eat, live and look after the pets we have. I don't need it I am all set up here.
I'm just sad and I worry I am slipping back into my depression, I am hoping when I get back into my normal work routine at the start of next week (doing home training this week) that my brain switches back to automaton mode but thinking about having to literally wake, work, eat, sleep depresses me further.
I speak to my other half a lot and I have told her about this but she also has mental health issues, so I try not to dump it all on her.
The end goal just seems so far away at this point, I am always working my hardest in order to make the time as short as possible but this is the toughest thing I have ever done.
Hobbies don't interest me anymore, I can't read, don't feel like playing games, don't feel like watching movies, I try to write as that used to help me before but I often feel like I am talking to myself (hence why I thought I would post here).
I try to keep myself occupied as best I can, my friends are all at university far away though so I rarely get time outside of the house.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I certainly feel I am being consumed by these feelings and it is all too similar to what I have experienced before, hopefully its just a hump and I get over it.
Is there any option for mental health treatment through the NHS? There are many possible reasons for a lack of motivation, Burgess - and certainly in your challenging circumstances it's understandable that you'd feel a bit worn out. There are many possible solutions to give us a greater sense of momentum, though, if we can just figure out where to start.
At first, I had written this large post about how I wish I could get the fuck out of this city and just GO somewhere, mobility being one of those things that so many people take for granted. Loneliness has been a severe problem of mine and I dearly miss my oldest friend and his wife, who moved to Germany last August. The dude is basically my brother and while I hesitate to call him my best friend (I dislike the term as it implies my other close friends are lesser), he's definitely up there in my list of favorite people.
I wrote the post and let it sit for a few days without publishing it (as I often do) but now that the next flare has hit, I realize that it's completely redundant. I'm just writhing in bed. My scalp (and forehead) feels like it's going to explode, my back and shoulders have daggers being driven into it. Hips are on fire. Off and on foot pain, thigh pain, jaw pain, strange sensations all over, extreme exhaustion. Among other things. I've been crying almost non-stop for the last two days. I gave very serious consideration (as in I was up there) to jumping off the roof last night before concluding that the chance of landing on someone was too high and frankly, there are less painful ways of offing myself. With these flares getting gradually worse, I can't take the pain any longer. All pain management attempts (the latest was marijuana) have failed. Fibromyalgia is classically referred to as a non-progressive disease (in that there's no physical signs that there's deterioration) but I haven't talked to a single person yet who hasn't found theirs getting worse with time. The rate of worsening is what seems to vary, probably depending on various genetic factors.
I'm scheduled to see some family friends tomorrow. My mom's best friend's family (who was always like a second family to me) is gathering in one location to celebrate one of the sons getting accepted to the military. Ordinarily, this is one of those occasions where I say "we'll see" (and then 95% not go because I physically can't) but I know now that this is probably the last time I'll see all of them. I don't know if it'll be something I can push myself through with lots of strong painkillers but I'll have to try. I need to hug all of them.
I want 2016 to matter. I need it to matter. I know it'll be my last year and I think I've gotten to the place where I've accepted and am okay with that. Or at least as okay as I can be, given the circumstances. There's a whole bunch of things I want to do, finish a piano piece that I've been working on for a year, write some letters, hopefully play through Dark Souls 3 (although gaming has become extremely difficult with my symptom profile, where I'll often go weeks without being able to play). I never got to travel outside the country and that really bums me out but we can just say that I'm doing my part to cut down on greenhouse gases.
(Or something.)
It'll be okay. In the end, I don't hate myself. The person I am today (warts and all) was shaped by this illness so I can at least respect it for that. I just wish I could have had the benefit of wisdom and greater capacity to love without all the suffering. But it's never that easy. I hope you guys are all staying as well as possible.
I'm sorry you're going through another rough patch, jb. I tremendously admire your level headed perspective in the last couple of paragraphs, though - it takes a lot of strength to look at things with such evenness. I continue to be a proponent of one step at a time, even if we must figure out what those steps are on a day-to-day basis, given everything that's going on. Take steps when you can. Forgive yourself when you can't - and that's a step in itself.
You're incredibly strong.
I think at this point, everyone at my job (where I'm the general manager) has seen me either crying or post-crying and holding back tears with swollen/red eyes. I think I've had three complete mental breakdowns where I just broke down crying in the past two weeks due to this job.
Things just really haven't been great lately.
Do you have any sense of what's shifted in the past few weeks, Kipp? I'm sorry things have been challenging.
I'm losing it.
I don't want to
Everyone else is doing way so much. I'm OK in my classwork but it just seems way too much.
I just want to get to the next step in becoming a doc
I don't have any confidence.
Life can seem tremendously overwhelming, AFA. Every night in my journal I wrote "one step at a time." Sometimes I write it just once. Other nights I write it over and over again. It's the only way I'll get anywhere.
<3
.
After just four swipes on tinder (two of which were joke accounts) I had went through every possible person in my town. I just feel so incomplete at the moment. I guess I also see a relationship as an easy way of coming out - if im in a relationship when I come out, my current straight friends will be less weirded out (as they won't feel I'm hitting on them). 
lol. That's just silly/ridiculous for them to think that. 