As the title suggests, we begin with Batman. I should quickly note my thought process as the film opened:
Oh this is a nice sequence, although it's very much liked they cross pollinated Burton and Nolan. >> Is that Negan and Maggie? >> Oh the bats are swirling as he's being rescued from the hole. >> Oh god hes not being rescued, he's literally flying out the hole >> It must be figuratively flying right? >> Oh phew it was a dream.
With this near miss on the cringeometer, we quickly back pedal into Man of Steel with the title card:
"In Metropolis, the world was introduced to The Superman."
The phrase, "The Superman" I absolutely loved for some reason, as did the retread into the Metropolis destruction. Although the Blu Ray release will feature a second title card half way through the movie:
"On the Internet, people are introduced to mild panic and low freshness"
Superman appears (whoop) and the first thing he does is smash a guy through about three concrete walls at 1000mph.
At first I was: "Yeah, you get him Supes, he was about to kill your girlfriend!" Then immediately after I was "Hold on, there isn't a hospital in the world that will put that man back together." Superman probably makes soups out his enemies. Wasn't he supposed to be learning to be better after Man of Steel? He definitely shouldn't still be flicking peanuts through expensive bar mirrors.
Then we learn that Batman's moral compass is essentially so far adrift Chris Hemsworth is using it in-between snacking on his shipmates.
BUT WAIT! Batman and Superman are being manipulated. Yes, it's False Flag the movie. Lex Luthorz son is bored waiting for lady lawyers to accept friend requests and is now straight up murdering senators and essentially trying to set the world on fire. He also likes pick and mix sweets, and space bells.
Just remember, this is what happens when you get cocky and don't put the correct names on the Masthead. People need credit, especially people who can catch rockets off Russian launch pads and do a cheeky clean and jerk while they are at it.
We continue like this for a while. Superman just needs a thank you card, Batmans angry at his construction bills. I mean he must be angry at the construction bills right? It can't be the loss of life, he just machine gunned 3 whole cars full of people. Some of those people were just trying to make ends meet with a bit of night driving work. Two jobs help with the debt and I'm good behind the wheel. Now I've got to deal with this monster truck tire rolling over my pedal legs.
For the rest, Lex Luthorz is in Tech, he definitely doesn't pay overtime. This whole rock delivery business is a mess.
Interspersed with all this are more dream sequences. I guess I'm not a massive comics fan. Because at one point, my brain asked the question:
Why is there a 13th Century Mongol Warrior shouting through a hole in the wall? I get it, everyone likes a bit of Aerosmith and RunDMC, but some things should never be mixed.
Batman is also a clairvoyant, which of course means he will either eventually get his heart punched out, or be killed by the demon monster corpse of his mother while taking time out in the garden.
Bruce, exactly why has your house burned down. Is this a sequel?
Supes also visits his dead dad on top of a mountain. There is a weird twisty metal thing up there. This could have been the Fortress of Solitude, for ants. Take special note. This is not a dream sequence.
Finally we are at the fight, it's good. Lots of punches, some kicks and a little light roughhousing. No rear naked chokes though. Don't ever take Superman to the ground, he definitely will not tap out and he doesnt need oxygen. He needs the sun though. Which is good for Bats, so using prep time he picks a film that takes place in perpetual night.
He then proceeds to fart gas Superman into submission.
Tactical fans take note. He does this after he uses banks of miniguns on Supes. So he doesn't really want to kill him, he just wants to punch his face a lot. Leading to the inspired sequence of Batman punching Superman in the face repeatedly as Supes face gets stronger. It is Batman's absolute worst fear.
Just when you thought everything had been used in this movie, Batman literally grabs a kitchen sink and starts doing some dirty work, and I dont mean the dishes. Supes is done, and all that's left is to finish him off Jesus style. Is there really any other way?
But Superman has one last trick in his alien playbook...Bromance.
That's right; it's the end of Robot Jox all over again. We share mothers namesees and have beaten each other into a strong friendship, and in being friends, we can kill a whole lot more people.
Bats, ever the planning and budgetary side of the relationship, quickly divvies up the roles:
I'll kill at least 15-20 more people, you get busy destroying as much property as you can in the next 15 minutes. God I love property, but there is a giant Kinder Surprise with a cave troll inside waiting to hatch and it's eventually going to turn into a de-shelled ninja turtle. We must do what we must.
Wonder Woman! Dont forget kids. She is in the movie too.
It was in the trailers. you know, the ones where Batman does jokes. Except this time, there's a reason for his Batman voice, also he doesnt do the jokes to himself, while he's by himself, in his Batman voice.
Wonder Woman has been receiving spam mail, quite a lot of it. At one point in the movie, she even gets sent the entire work in progress rushes of Warner Bros upcoming trailers.
There's one where they have to rescue Jason Momoa from an underwater shoot because he can't hold his breath any longer. He waves the trident about in a desperate attempt to keep going, but his eyes tell a different story.
There's one where somebody is strong up on a giant version of one of those electrical board hobby kits. The project is not going well; small scale soldering is a bitch when you haven't got the correct tip on your soldering iron. Whatever you do, don't knock over our last family project, the expensive large format Rubiks cube...
There's even one where Ezra Miller goes to buy milk. This is all they had for the Flash, Ezra Miller buying milk. The milk goes sour though, as Ezra gets electrified by the fridge. Health and safety people, this is like The Crow all over again. Gustin youre up.
But the absolute best one is the Wonder Woman trailer. There's no "In a world..." or anything. It's just an old picture of Captain Kirk and Wonder Woman at a World War one Re-enactment. The camera just slowly pans down the picture and exciting sassy music plays. Thats it. Fun fact, this is the second time this exact trailer gets shown in the movie!
So Wonder Woman 2017, lots of slow pans and Kirk. Slow pans and Kirk. And relax.
Wait a minute, was the Mongol Warrior Flash? I thought he was a runner not a fighter.
Oh well it's the final fight. Superman and Raphael get nuked. In space. Superman gets zombified and Raphael levels up.
My absolute favourite bit from The Dark Knight Returns, butchered for pacing. Here's how you do it in this context: Superman drops from space on the other side of the planet, where it's day time but stormy. Places his hand on a sunflower, rousing Man of Steal track plays. Sun comes out. Levels back up.
Instead we somehow get a sunrise scene in the dark, and we are back to the grime.
Batman has reached the end of his character arc. He started the movie hating property destruction, now he willingly leads Raphael back to the property. Because he needs a spear. He figures this out while flying his supersonic jet.
Lois Lane has reached the end of her character arc. She has learned not to throw spears in the deep water. You do that Lois and youll only have to go back in and fetch it!
Wonder Woman has reached the end of her character arc. It only has one part. Seeking the truth! So she tries to get Raphael to tell the truth. That and dont leave your baggage on the plane, because lord knows, we dont need any more fear of terrorism in this movie.
Superman keeps punching Raphael, Wonder Woman keeps chopping bits off Raphael. Batman keeps the fuck out the way. He only kills people, with minimal risk.
BUT WAIT. Batman has a can of fart gas left. Raphael is weakened. Superman has got the spear; he shoots he scores but Oh Oh! The trope of self-sacrifice has him. He's been trying to do the right thing for two movies now, so he thinks "To hell with it, I'm jus' gonna stab this ninja turtle"
Then we are at Supe's funeral. A funeral so big they buried him twice. Hold on, is he Amish? Supe's is buried in a shiny comic reference and we get to Batmans final speech. He's sorry about all those people he killed. Now he will kill less, or possibly only smash them through 3 brick walls at 1000mph, in Supermans honour.
It's a tough sell, but we are heading for a sequel. Lex Luthorz son is in full on Britney Spears Umbrella mode, and he's rung the hell out of that space bell. They tried to stop him, but nothing stops off screen Britney bitch. Someone is coming, quick hint, it's that grey dude on the painting. That or the Cloverfield monster. Or Tim Burton.
All in all Five Stars.