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[Rushersauce]

Hello, Gaf.

It's time for me to talk about my problems here. It's hard and I've been receiving help from my family, but it gets harder and harder every day.
As some of you (if any) know about my ex, I admit I wasn't the perfect boyfriend since it was my first relationship ever, so it was obvious that mistakes were to happen. Anyway, she obliterated me, she gave me hopes of coming back, and now those seem to be dead. I love her, even after all the damage she's done to me. I have faith that she will come back eventually. She is younger than I (21), and I know women at that age can deeply hurt a man because of their insecurities and those kind of stuff. I've tried to forget her, I've tried my best to do stuff, but she keeps coming back in my head. No medication has been able to help me, and my friends are scattered all over my home country. It's hard to live each day. Waking up i's a nightmare, I only find comfort in sleeping, and video games just don't work anymore.
One of my biggest fears is waking up some day without the strenght to live, and off myself.
It's hard, I just wanted to take this out of my chest.

Edit: I forgot to add she kept contacting me after the breakup, her messages were vagues, sometimes they were hateful, sometimes she asked me to forgive her. Now, it's silence, and she is more hateful tan ever. And that's tearing me apart.

 

[jb1234]

But yeah, any more encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so weak and incapable of doing this at the moment.

You have my sword.

(But not my axe because that damned thing is way too heavy.)

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

.snip of relationship woes.

I really wish I could get anyone, anywhere to take this breakup advice. It is called the "Block & Walk".

1) Block - everywhere you have the ex added. Cell phones, contact lists, video game console friend codes, Steam, etcetera. The next time you use each of your devices, systematically erase this person from your life. Keep them from contacting you. If you work together (it happens even if it shouldn't, especially in certain environments), see about a transfer to another schedule, department, building, job.

2) Walk - you don't have to eat ice cream and watch sad movies or rush to see strippers and get laid, but grieve for the relationship in some manner without allowing the ex to rip your wounds open anew. Take up a new hobby with the time & money you're no longer spending on your relationship. Learn a language. Hit the gym. Get a pet. Make a new friend. Do whatever it takes to have something you can use to interrupt thoughts of the ex with whenever your brain brings it up. Brains are dicks in that way.

Insist on having your space for at least a year. If she wants to continue hurting you badly enough to seek you out despite the distance and doesn't respect your wishes, she isn't worth having even as a friend. A year or more of time apart can help a lot if you are compatible as friends. You aren't going to be able to pull "just friends" off if you don't take a break from eachother, and it sounds like this girl likes squeezing salt & lemon in the wounds.

@Kipp - I know you can do it! I'm rooting for you!

 

[Ryck]

Hey Gaf,

A few years ago I kinda spirled out of control, my defenses and distortions got the best of me and it lead me to some insane places in my life/mind. I started seeing a therapist and and that pretty much changed my life. I started to understand myself and the world around me differently. I had a sort of awareness awakening which is great I could never go back to my life of denial, defenses and cognitive distortions. However I find myself feeling incredibly lost and sometimes I just don't know how to deal with the swings of life. I spent my entire life reliant on unhealthy coping methods and basically lying to myself to the point that I almost have had to relearn how to live my life. I am grateful for how far ive come and id never ever go back but sometimes I feel like I was happier in my delusion or maybe it just felt easier to deal at times. (Even if it was pretty much bs)

Hope im making sense its late, Im tired but I can't sleep as I struggle to shut my mind off these days. My brain just loves to give me existential panics right before bed for whatever reason.

Anyway just wanted to vent and hope id feel better haha.

 

[Kipp]

You have my sword.

(But not my axe because that damned thing is way too heavy.)

@Kipp - I know you can do it! I'm rooting for you!

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.
I'm planning to head out in a couple hours. I'm not super excited about going, by any means, but I do feel capable of doing it right now, so that's good.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Don't know why I keep worrying about everything and anything, A random intrusive thought pops into my head and I spend hours afterwards worrying if I actually did what was within that random thought or not. For instance, I worry about having said something really messed up to a friend just because an intrusive thought about 'what if I said something really messed up to him' randomly just popped up in my brain. I met this girl at work, got her name and talked a bit, so out of curiosity I briefly looked her up on Facebook when I got home (we work mostly different shifts so I don't get to see her a lot, but in hindsight this was really stupid because I don't even know what her profile is called), and after the fact I worried about whether I accidentally added her as a friend unintentionally without asking if she had a profile first, and whether she will think I'm weird as fuck for doing that. I don't think she even has a profile on Facebook from what little I've seen.

 

[User 479360]

I guess I'm doing alright. I thought I'd be in a mental institution by now, so I guess that's good. I've had a lot of old friends and family around lately, though, so it's been like old times. Kind of.

I can't believe my Mom's gone, though, and it hasn't fully hit me yet. I don't know if it will until we have special occasions. I don't want it to, but it's probably going to destroy me.

Yesterday was the funeral. It went really well. The turnout was unbelievable, and the funeral home had said they'd never seen so many donations -- which went to my handicapped sister's day program -- which is mostly run by volunteers. The turnout was staggering, and I expected it to be big.

I wrote the eulogy and am mad I didn't cry while doing so. I guess in a way I'm relieved that she's not suffering anymore. I also wrote a personal letter and did cry a bit while doing so. I cried when it was read by a family friend.

I tear up from time to time, did break down when I saw her body at the hospital, but thankfully we did closed casket.

Fuck you life. Fuck you cancer. Fuck it all.

 

[Rushersauce]

I really wish I could get anyone, anywhere to take this breakup advice. It is called the "Block & Walk".

1) Block - everywhere you have the ex added. Cell phones, contact lists, video game console friend codes, Steam, etcetera. The next time you use each of your devices, systematically erase this person from your life. Keep them from contacting you. If you work together (it happens even if it shouldn't, especially in certain environments), see about a transfer to another schedule, department, building, job.

2) Walk - you don't have to eat ice cream and watch sad movies or rush to see strippers and get laid, but grieve for the relationship in some manner without allowing the ex to rip your wounds open anew. Take up a new hobby with the time & money you're no longer spending on your relationship. Learn a language. Hit the gym. Get a pet. Make a new friend. Do whatever it takes to have something you can use to interrupt thoughts of the ex with whenever your brain brings it up. Brains are dicks in that way.

Insist on having your space for at least a year. If she wants to continue hurting you badly enough to seek you out despite the distance and doesn't respect your wishes, she isn't worth having even as a friend. A year or more of time apart can help a lot if you are compatible as friends. You aren't going to be able to pull "just friends" off if you don't take a break from eachother, and it sounds like this girl likes squeezing salt & lemon in the wounds.

@Kipp - I know you can do it! I'm rooting for you!

Thanks for your advice and time. I'm really trying to do so.

 

[Noirulus]

I feel like alcohol is the only way for me to stay sane.

Im not an alcoholic but i find myself drinking during work atleast twice a week now from the stress to carry on.

Try meditation, less destructive with longer lasting benefits.

 

[Megalosaro]

I'm a practical joke aparently. No one takes me seriously.

That is the vibe I just for from my office. Just heard hints of it.

 

[User 479360]

Buy adult colouring books and pencil crayons or markers. Trust me, it helps a lot.

 

[Ledhead]

Try meditation, less destructive with longer lasting benefits.

Meditation helps a lot. That said, it is difficult to get the hang of. There are lots of how-to tutorials online to get you started, and I believe it's worth sticking with. Training the mind to focus on the immediate is a skill meditation can help immensely with.

 

[Ambitious]

(...)

Well, time sure flies: The next meetup is on the coming Saturday. I don't want to go. I really don't. And if I don't, I will spend the week after it regretting not going, but still.
My mood tends to swing frequently, so maybe on Saturday I'll be super excited for it, but I doubt it.
If a genie in a bottle would magically replace the attendees from last time with completely different people, I'd probably go. But I don't want to have to face the same guys again.

(...)

While I wasn't "super excited", ultimately I decided to go. But there had been a rather unfortunate misunderstanding: I had reason to assume that this month's meetup was cancelled. So I spent the evening being alone and depressed, just as usual.

Well, turns out it wasn't actually cancelled. Isn't that fucking hilarious?

 

[Oxn]

Try meditation, less destructive with longer lasting benefits.

Yea, when Im in that stress zone I cant snap out of it.

 

[chiimisu]

It's so hard to watch people make my dreams come true. Especially when I know they cheated their way through, while my efforts aren' worth anything and I don't get a single chance. Can't help but think about this all day.

 

[bronkonagurski]

Buy adult colouring books and pencil crayons or markers. Trust me, it helps a lot.

My cubicle mate does those things at work during conference calls or slow times. I'm tempted to try it myself.

 

[User 479360]

My cubicle mate does those things at work during conference calls or slow times. I'm tempted to try it myself.

I may have went a bit overboard with them as of late.

An old friend came to visit from out of town, and I saw a great one (Animorphia by Kerby Rosanes) at Staples. The only reason we went in was because he'd been looking for a sample lease. And I ended up picking the book up, along with some markers, which I eventually returned for pencil crayons.

I got some Crayola Twistable/Erasable pencil crayons at Walmart, because it's all they had, then got some more at Staples and also got some great Staedtlers for $13. I've been colouring a lot, though, and also had my eye on some other books, so I ordered a few on Amazon for $50 and bought more pencil crayons (good ones) for $30.

A friend said she got something for me to help me out during this time of grieving, and it's a swear word one called "Give no Fucks." A book, that is. And another friend picked me up another copy of Animorphia, because I'd said before that I was going to get one to hold onto for years later, in case it went out of print, because it's that good.

As I said, I may have gone overboard.

 

[jb1234]

I guess I'm doing alright. I thought I'd be in a mental institution by now, so I guess that's good. I've had a lot of old friends and family around lately, though, so it's been like old times. Kind of.

I can't believe my Mom's gone, though, and it hasn't fully hit me yet. I don't know if it will until we have special occasions. I don't want it to, but it's probably going to destroy me.

Yesterday was the funeral. It went really well. The turnout was unbelievable, and the funeral home had said they'd never seen so many donations -- which went to my handicapped sister's day program -- which is mostly run by volunteers. The turnout was staggering, and I expected it to be big.

I wrote the eulogy and am mad I didn't cry while doing so. I guess in a way I'm relieved that she's not suffering anymore. I also wrote a personal letter and did cry a bit while doing so. I cried when it was read by a family friend.

I tear up from time to time, did break down when I saw her body at the hospital, but thankfully we did closed casket.

Fuck you life. Fuck you cancer. Fuck it all.

I just wanted to say again how deeply sorry I am for your loss.

 

[User 479360]

I just wanted to say again how deeply sorry I am for your loss.

Thanks. I sincerely appreciate your support.

 

[WetPotatoBread]

So I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately and I feel like it's finally time to get some help, I don't know if it's depression or anxiety but it has cause my grades to slip because I stopped attending class and I am now in danger of losing my financial aid which means I would have to drop out of school. I've been researching many mental issues lately to try to understand what I've been going through, everything pointed to ADD at first. I have horrible memory, feel unmotivated , and have difficulty focusing on most things in my life. I've also been coming to terms with my sexuality, everyone who knows has been supportive but being a gay guy with only straight male friends has caused be to feel detached from my friends. I've also been dealing with depression and anxiety, anxiety being what I believe to be the culprit of all my problems. I've always been someone who was in their own head all the time and my mind is always moving at a mile a minute, but I always thought those where just symptoms of puberty and my undeveloped mind. As I grow older (I'm 20 currently) my issues have gotten worst I'm constantly feeling like people are judging me and it makes interacting with not only strangers but my friends difficult. A few months ago while looking for some Advil in my parents medicine cabinet I found some medicine prescribed to my mom that is used to treatment of bi-polar disorder( Cant remember the name of the meds). My stepdad always joked about my mom being bi-polar, and I guess she is getting help for it now. It's currently 5 am and I have class at 9 am and I just can't fall asleep. I plan on going to my schools health and wellness center which has a mental health counseling center today to talk to someone, I attempted to go there before but chickened out mutiple times. I just wanted to ask you guys for advice, I know no one can diagnose me, but I just wanted to know if how the way I feel could actually be a mental health issue or if it's just all in my head and what I'm going through is normal. I look at mental issues I a very server problem so I feel like that has stop me from believing that I might be suffering from one, I just don't want to make light of something that is very serious.
P.S. Please excuse my grammar, as I said its 5 in the morning and I am exhausted, but I can't fall asleep.
P.P.S How helpful do you guys think my schools health center could be? Does anyone have any experience their schools mental health center?

 

[User 479360]

I can't believe I don't have a mother anymore. It's strange and depressing.

 

[Bright Side of Life]

Just went over 24 hours without sleep, don't feel tired, actually highly motivated and energized, and was highly productive these last few days in terms of art. Great. My manic state is back.

Looks like I gotta call in "sick" and buy some sleeping pills to sleep it off.

What weird thing to take a sick day for (well not weird but I don't know what word to use)

 

[Jindrax]

Hi GAF. I don't know if what I'm going through is depression or not. I've posted in here before, but the more I think about it the more I think something else is wrong.

For the past few years I've been having this sensation of just generally being numb. Things that used to make me over joy just make me slightly happy. Nothing seems to make me drastically sad either. Granted I haven't experienced anything ultra bad either but like take recently. I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago. Completely mutual, we wanted different things out of life. But she said two things that really stuck with me. One being she felt very unappreciated by me. Even though for me I felt like I was going leaps for her. This has been a common complaint amongst women I've been seeing. This is and "you don't seem that happy to see me" or "I expected you to be happier". Second thing she said was when she broke down in tears. She was crying and saying how much she'd miss me. And I just smiled and told her it'll be fine. To which she replied how can you keep such a poker face, it's like nothing ever affects you, what's wrong with you.

Now this combined with how I generally just feel numb and bored I don't know if this is depression or something else... I'm 22, male and a student. I go to the gym and I'm working on my thesis at the moment. I do things everyday but everything just seems and feels so. Bleh.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Alain de Botton (the british philosopher) has a initiative he calls the School of Life. It's a collection of philosophical teachings from past philosophers in a context that makes sense for modern audiences.
The videos are bite-sized and very nice. There is a logical and optimistic view to many of them.

Reasons to Remain Single; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=350qUmbcAZU
< If you're lonely and feel unappreciated, try giving this one a shot. Being alone, is not as bad as many people make it out to be

 

[ptown]

Here are some videos of people who point to a way of living life without fear, a life transcending the mind (and all its "problems"), living a life with purpose/meaning (your own), a life of absolute freedom, learning how to love and forgive yourself and others (and see everyone in the highest light), and be yourself fully.

The awesome thing about the message behind these videos: you don't have to do anything. Just be open to change (specifically, how you see).

If you find your own views on life have been questionable, these people (and others like them) I've found have put it in a very straight forward and easily understandable manner why we often find our life is in the mess it is in.

&#8226; If you must choose to watch only some of these, I recommend watching this series of videos the most.
Anthony de Mello - Wake Up! Part 1 How to pray
Anthony de Mello - Wake Up! Part 2 How to be real
Anthony de Mello - Wake Up! 3 How to love
*Do not be fooled by the titles if you have an aversion to "spriituality" or dislike religion; this has nothing to do with church, the advice given and explanation on life is eye opening and life changing.*

&#8226; Very helpful guru in putting the mind in its proper place (i.e. a mind that serves you rather than tortures you). Second video is on harmonious relationships and clingyness.
Mooji - The Power of a Thought
Mooji - No Need to Be Loved

&#8226; Another guru practically a master on the mind and ego.
Eckhart Tolle - Reality Is Beyond Thought

&#8226; A video showing just how much dysfunction pervades even in how we speak.
Marshall B Rosenburg, PhD - The Basics of Nonviolent Communication

&#8226; Pretty much the most positive person who has ever lived.
Peace Pilgrim: An American Sage Who Walked Her Talk

If you are finding yourself struggling or lost, I recommend you please look into this.

 

[Caim]

I lost my father when I was 7 (I'm 22 now) and I still can't handle it. I'm glad I found this thread because I really needed it. There are many other things that have happened since then and I can say I've been depressed on an off multiple times. Went to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal attempts, but it feels like I relapsed the moment I got out. I'm not really looking for advice because I think I've heard it all at this moment, but I'm trying to suppress these suicidal urges as they get worse each and every time. It's gotten to the point where my friends (were my friends I guess) kind of don't believe me when I say I might do something or I've overdosed, etc, etc. Now nobody who is usually there for me to reach out to is there anymore. There is a lot more to this as my depression has ruined my most recent relationship and other things, but I don't want this to be an even bigger wall of text than it already is. I'm pretty much only writing this to vent out my current frustration as I almost went through with a suicide attempt a couple of hours ago, but stopped myself...barely. I went to my ex about it (the person whom despite us breaking up was usually to main one therefore me) kind of just shrugged it off and ignored me. Followed with a "Please stop contacting me." I guess she got tired of it, but I understood completely.

 

[Xe4]

I lost my father when I was 7 (I'm 22 now) and I still can't handle it. I'm glad I found this thread because I really needed it. There are many other things that have happened since then and I can say I've been depressed on an off multiple times. Went to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal attempts, but it feels like I relapsed the moment I got out. I'm not really looking for advice because I think I've heard it all at this moment, but I'm trying to suppress these suicidal urges as they get worse each and every time. It's gotten to the point where my friends (were my friends I guess) kind of don't believe me when I say I might do something or I've overdosed, etc, etc. Now nobody who is usually there for me to reach out to is there anymore. There is a lot more to this as my depression has ruined my most recent relationship and other things, but I don't want this to be an even bigger wall of text than it already is. I'm pretty much only writing this to vent out my current frustration as I almost went through with a suicide attempt a couple of hours ago, but stopped myself...barely. I went to my ex about it (the person whom despite us breaking up was usually to main one therefore me) kind of just shrugged it off and ignored me. Followed with a "Please stop contacting me." I guess she got tired of it, but I understood completely.

Glad to have you here. I know a lot of people who have lost parents at a young age and I see the way it effects them to this day. The fact thatc you've made it 13 years after his death shows how stong you are, and you are strong even if it doesn't feel like it.

I know what its like to ruin relationships with people because of depression, I've ruined a lot with friends and with ex's who probably dislike me greatly now. It's best to try not to let it get to you, hard as that may be. I'm unfortunately still in love with a girl who probably hates my guts because of the dumb shit I said when we broke up. I hope I won't do the same dumb shit to the next girl I'm lucky enough to date. Honestly though, I probably will, because maintaining a relationship is super difficult in such a circumstance.

I think of stuff like that as learning experiences, but I'm sure you've heard that before : p

Anyways if you want to PM me to rant or talk or anything I'd love to hear it. I may not be the most timely to respond but I'll try to take the time and get back to you.

Stay strong : )

 

[SugarDave]

I commonly have fleeting suicidal thoughts most days, but I haven't been able to stop fantasizing about it for the last 24 hours now. I haven't slept and it's been non-stop.

I really wish I had it in me to off myself

 

[Anth0ny]

having one of those days where the hopelessness is really kicking in hard

feeling lazy and uninspired as a result :/

having no goals or desires or inspiration is the most depressing thing of all. i think i'm gonna try to go to the gym today for 3 hours or something. need to get my mind off this stuff.

 

[Mi goreng]

nvm

 

[Hermii]

I feel really bitter lately, just hating people who are socially successful, have friends, relationships, are sexually active, have jobs they like and so on. All of those things are unachievable to me and the bitterness and pessimism are making them even more unachievable. Its a vicious cycle. Feels hopeless.

 

[Ambitious]

I feel really bitter lately, just hating people who are socially successful, have friends, relationships, are sexually active, have jobs they like and so on. All of those things are unachievable to me and the bitterness and pessimism are making them even more unachievable. Its a vicious cycle. Feels hopeless.

Same here, though not just lately. It's been like that for quite some time now.
Sometimes, all it takes to ruin my day is seeing a couple hugging each other. Or a guy my age in a nice suit talking business on the phone. Or a group of friends having a coffee in some cafe, enjoying themselves. I react to things like that with sadness, bitterness, numbness, or anger. One of these. It varies. That's why I try to not pay attention to other people anymore. I just stare on the ground while walking and on my phone otherwise.

And when I happen to meet an acquaintance, I put on a nice smile, make jokes and have a normal conversation, only to return to my usual self as soon as they're gone.

 

[MontyMarx]

Felt like a failure since moving back to my home state a few years back. Began showing signs of depression but I just stopped caring/feeling anything. Job is a joke but since I don't care about anything I haven't been motivated to find a new one. Life basically fell apart and 'only' way to cope was to drink. That eventually caught up with me at work and I was nearly fired.

Now I'm doing an alcohol assessment and an assessment for clinical depression. I think the depression is the root cause of the alcohol abuse so once I start therapy/meds, hopefully that will help.

I just hope they don't diagnose me with a mental disorder.

 

[Hermii]

Whats up with the chatroom? The link isn't working anymore.

 

[Izuna]

Not sure if this update is right here, but even though stuff with my studies etc. is fucked up and relationship woes (again), it's not making me depressed. The best thing my counsellor was able to show me was that the causes I thought were hurting me weren't. I can see the silver lining in every consequence now.

That being said, I wish everyone in this thread a warm huggle.

I commonly have fleeting suicidal thoughts most days, but I haven't been able to stop fantasizing about it for the last 24 hours now. I haven't slept and it's been non-stop.

I really wish I had it in me to off myself

I didn't believe it either that it gets better when I thought and tried, but it does. I really want you to hang in there.

 

[jb1234]

Whats up with the chatroom? The link isn't working anymore.

It's been pretty much defunct for over a year. Only swe was sticking around and even he eventually abandoned it just recently.

 

[SugarDave]

I feel really bitter lately, just hating people who are socially successful, have friends, relationships, are sexually active, have jobs they like and so on. All of those things are unachievable to me and the bitterness and pessimism are making them even more unachievable. Its a vicious cycle. Feels hopeless.

God, right there with you. Such a horribly destructive feeling to carry.

I didn't believe it either that it gets better when I thought and tried, but it does. I really want you to hang in there.

Yeah, definitely finding it hard to believe at the moment. Thanks though.

 

[SnowHawk]

I've really got nothing to live for.

I can't get a job, I have zero friends and I've never had a girlfriend. When people do want to do something with me which is very, very rare, I'm the one who's paying for everything.

All I want to do is die but I'm such a coward that I won't do anything.

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

I'm so happy I'm finally getting the endocrine system problem looked at. Doctor thinks it might be a type of thyroiditis that flared and made everything extra shitty for a while (it started around this time last year, come to think of it), but it is calmer now and we have a treatment plan.

It is crazy how something so small can ruin everything so quickly and invisibly. My sleep and energy levels were wrecked, my depression and anxiety on hyper mode, and my IBS was in non-stop flare (recently went on a 2/3rds liquid diet just to get it to stop).

My spouse has already gone though pretty much the exact same thing with their thyroid, so I know roughly what to expect, which is really helping my anxiety to stay low as well. Today was really hard with going to the doctor and having to get blood drawn, but it is so nice to have a better quality of life to look forward to, finally.

 

[Kipp]

Good news and bad news.

Good news is that cold feet feeling has subsided. I'm no longer crying every day at the thought of moving away from home and I'm heading back toward the excited state I was in before about this.

Bad news is that this cross-country 3000-mile road trip has been truly grueling. Just miserable. It is what it is though. Tomorrow is my last day of driving which is nice.

 

[jb1234]

Good news and bad news.

Good news is that cold feet feeling has subsided. I'm no longer crying every day at the thought of moving away from home and I'm heading back toward the excited state I was in before about this.

Bad news is that this cross-country 3000-mile road trip has been truly grueling. Just miserable. It is what it is though. Tomorrow is my last day of driving which is nice.

I've never driven further than five hours in one sitting (and that felt endless). I can't imagine doing a cross-country drive.

 

[yunbuns]

Today at work this student came up to the front desk (I work at the Financial Aid office at my school) and said "You sound tired" And it's like??? I know it was probably an just an innocent comment but I can't help that I'm in this constant 'not sad but not happy either' state. I want to get better, get happier, get healthier, etc. but it's just really frustrating when complete strangers I don't know say things to me like 'Why do you look/sound so sad.", "Why do you look tired?", "Are you okay?" Maybe I'm overreacting but comments such as these just seem really rude to me as well makes me feel worse because I feel as if I'm not trying 'hard' enough to be better.

I feel even worse because a friend and I were supposed to be going to a Beyonce concert together and she also wanted to go to a Rihanna concert but when I texted her about it I never got a response nor has she contacted me about the concert (she owes me for her ticket). My cousin is going to go with me now but it really hurts that a person I considered a close friend basically just stopped talking to me and it's generally like that with all my friends. They only contact and hang with me when it's convenient but otherwise I'm generally ignored unless I initiate contact first. It wouldn't bother me if it was just one or two people but it's literally all of my friends to the point that I just don't bother texting/calling them at all anymore. I don't know...I'm just feel really upset and disconnected from everything in my life right now.

 

[jb1234]

I feel even worse because a friend and I were supposed to be going to a Beyonce concert together and she also wanted to go to a Rihanna concert but when I texted her about it I never got a response nor has she contacted me about the concert (she owes me for her ticket). My cousin is going to go with me now but it really hurts that a person I considered a close friend basically just stopped talking to me and it's generally like that with all my friends. They only contact and hang with me when it's convenient but otherwise I'm generally ignored unless I initiate contact first. It wouldn't bother me if it was just one or two people but it's literally all of my friends to the point that I just don't bother texting/calling them at all anymore. I don't know...I'm just feel really upset and disconnected from everything in my life right now.

Those aren't friends, dude. It's generally pretty clear when people care about you. Move on and make some new ones (which I acknowledge can be easier said than done but it's better than being unappreciated by your old ones).

 

[Steamlord]

It's really fun and encouraging when a bubbly Walmart cashier straight up tells you you "do not look happy at all"

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

My mind lately has been fixated on the concept of probability and statistics and how absolute it all seems. It goes through this process of internalizing some type of weird abstract logic of how probable I have of not having a shot at anything. The probability of not finding a job, a good relationship/social circle outside of the internet, retaining and finding success, etc. It feels fatalistic and predetermined because "objective" measures from reading countless studies on how all hope is lost for our generation is being internalized as grave absolutes in my head. The thing is, I don't know if I should believe it out of a sense of finding an objective truth or risk being delusional about my prospects.

For example, according to countless studies that involve any type of statistical analysis, as a late 20 something with minimal job experience and no college degree, I am expected to not find satisfying work or no work at all and because I never studied or have zero interest in any STEM-related fields, I probably won't find work that would have a comfortable, liveable wage.

Blahblahackachcough, It's all bullshit right? It means I have to work harder, right? The problem I have is feeling that hard work will have diminished returns and that i am stressing myself over said hard work like there is nothing to be gained, not lessons, not experience, just more stress and regret. Of course, there's still the lingering belief system that's co-opted with all of this that I am too "far gone" and a "lost cause". That's hard to shed honestly if you feel like you wasted much of your (relative) youth on worrying, resentment, and dashes of paranoia here and there.

Stream of consciousness I know, but I feel like I needed to get this out and if I repeated myself from prior posts, apologies in advanced as I know redundancy in people can be a grating personality trait but I promise it's coming from a place of forgetfulness and a lack of a new perspective I am more than willing to see.

 

[Mr Waluigi]

My mind lately has been fixated on the concept of probability and statistics and how absolute it all seems. It goes through this process of internalizing some type of weird abstract logic of how probable I have of not having a shot at anything. The probability of not finding a job, a good relationship/social circle outside of the internet, retaining and finding success, etc. It feels fatalistic and predetermined because "objective" measures from reading countless studies on how all hope is lost for our generation is being internalized as grave absolutes in my head. The thing is, I don't know if I should believe it out of a sense of finding an objective truth or risk being delusional about my prospects.

For example, according to countless studies that involve any type of statistical analysis, as a late 20 something with minimal job experience and no college degree, I am expected to not find satisfying work or no work at all and because I never studied or have zero interest in any STEM-related fields, I probably won't find work that would have a comfortable, liveable wage.

Blahblahackachcough, It's all bullshit right? It means I have to work harder, right? The problem I have is feeling that hard work will have diminished returns and that i am stressing myself over said hard work like there is nothing to be gained, not lessons, not experience, just more stress and regret. Of course, there's still the lingering belief system that's co-opted with all of this that I am too "far gone" and a "lost cause". That's hard to shed honestly if you feel like you wasted much of your (relative) youth on worrying, resentment, and dashes of paranoia here and there.

Stream of consciousness I know, but I feel like I needed to get this out and if I repeated myself from prior posts, apologies in advanced as I know redundancy in people can be a grating personality trait but I promise it's coming from a place of forgetfulness and a lack of a new perspective I am more than willing to see.

Do you know any teachers? Anyone already holding a job? Anyone you've had a conversation with who may hook you up with a nice little job at least?
What employers care about is not degrees or time spent working at school, as much as it is personal experience and motivation. Even if you have never worked, even if you have no degree, even if you dropped out of school, hell, even if you have some mental disability, you can still find a job that doesn't require particular knowledge, such as moving packages in a warehouse for instance.

The most important thing is not to have scholar experience, but actual, active experience, and if you don't have that then at least show that you have a strong motivation and drive. But you'll indeed never find a job like that if you don't have any connections to a professionnal network, that would allow people you know to suggest your résumé to their employer.

Statistics for finding as someone in your situation are crap because most people don't really know how to get a job exactly and do nothing but send out résumés (that obviously get ignored due to being near-empty and due to the lack of human interaction that doesn't give much emotional motivation to see if one deserves a job in the first place), or they have no connections and don't know what to do, or they have simply given up. Don't give up! The only thing statistics prove is that most people are dumb, which is unfortunately a fact, and one that corporations are aware of as well.

If there have been teachers you have gotten along with, or friends from high school who currently hold a job that could be available for you... contact them, check if you're still on good terms, ask them if any job positions need to be filled at work (or if they know any people who have been looking for someone to fill a job position), ask them what it consists of, and if it sounds like something you could do, ask them if they wouldn't mind transmitting your job application to their employer. If they trust you and their employer trusts them after seeing your résumé, all you need to do is prove that you deserved the job.

It's a harsh world out there, don't let yourself get defeated! Particularly when it comes to finding a job.

___________________________________________

I don't have any mental illness so I'm probably not one to talk, but I've been beaten up in the street two years ago and I still get flashbacks and nightmares about it and it's fucking annoying. I know this is not a world for the weak and all, but I'm weak, and I can't manage to just forget about it. I tend to be violent, but I haven't gotten in an actual fight in a while because I'd start feeling like I'm re-living the situation and feel anxious and scared inside. I'm lame but it's been two years, I'd like to get rid of that shit eventually.
I'll be seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist in about two-three weeks, because of my impulsiveness and tendencies to be aggressive/violent (which happen because of the constant shame I feel, which is a problem in itself). I'll tell you people if I belong ITT or not. I've seen psychologists and psychiatrists before, only one psychiatrist ever prescribed me something, it was antidepressants and I stopped taking them after 5 months because it clearly had no effect on my personality or behavior.

 

[EdibleKnife]

It's really fun and encouraging when a bubbly Walmart cashier straight up tells you you "do not look happy at all"

So many people missing their calling as detectives to work at Walmart

---

Been cripplingly lonely these past few weeks. Literally feeling like there's little point in waking up since I feel like I add so little to anyone's life.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Just checking in, since I've been kinda absent.

Well, a friend gave me two ounces of marijuana for 4/20. Pretty cool of her.

I saw my psych yesterday and she put me on a bunch of new stuff as well as cymbalta which may or may not be able to be covered by medicaid.

I've been writing a lot, started writing a short story for a gaf writing challenge and I'm kind of using it to come to terms with my ex girlfriend's suicide.

I'm coming to terms with my attempted suicide.

I saw my therapist today, and I woke up kind of slightly stoned and had to go in but I had showered and stuff and I was doing fine. My therapist asked me not to let it happen again, and I know it won't I was just getting carried away in the name of a fake holiday. Which was irresponsible, but luckily my therapist was pretty understanding and just mentioned not to make it a habit.

My family isn't doing so good, my dad's wages are going to be garnished, and he can't get into any accidents for six months, he was found guilty for a hit and run he didn't commit and hearing him crying on the phone, agonizing about his life choices, telling us how the judge told him how much of a scumbag he was.

It was horrible, I just felt broken inside, and I still don't know how to talk to him or what to say.

The evidence was non existent, didn't match up, and the entire thing should've been thrown out immediately but somehow we yet again get the short stick. He had to take a plea bargain, and they couldn't get him a public defender, and we don't have the money to hire a lawyer. I don't know how we are going to make it.

This might be the straw that breaks the camels back.

 

[Wag]

Trying to come off Depakote now, I've been on it for over a decade. Should be interesting...

 

[jb1234]

I saw my psych yesterday and she put me on a bunch of new stuff as well as cymbalta which may or may not be able to be covered by medicaid.

It's a generic now so you might get it. I have medicaid too so I know what a pain in the ass it can be to work with them. They like to reject drugs that aren't generics. Cymbalta's a bitch to get off of (like all the SNRIs) so make sure to discuss that with your doctor, as they often don't mention that aspect of these drugs. I hope that things get better for you soon.