Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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GAF, I wrote two books, I managed to while I was working and suffering so much, I can't do much more, I have a good plan.
I started cutting myself again, and ever since I felt like I wanted to cry but there's no place.
I'm so detached feom life, so dreamy and distant to survive, I come off as so weird,my mood swings are so bad I'm beginning to think I have disassociative disorder.
I want peace, I wrote, and I read when I could, I want to potentially put my books up for sale to help my family, and others like me; I'd even donate my stuff if I knew how.
I went to the hospitals,tried the medicine, willed, but I can't perform at work, and so I must die, which seems so silly, basic, but you have to earn your right to live.
 
Society does care about you. You just need to be surrounded by better people. You have to find them.

This is just a phase, things will get better.

I said fuck it and will just hang out with one of the girls that wanted to date me. I've put so many years of effort into making someone happy and I guess I just can't. Square peg etc.

I'll hang in there with DooM, dating someone new (who watched me go through the pain of this relationship for years) and just chill. I need a week.
 
Bad days recently.

In April I started going to a sort of group therapy session at my hospital. It was a six week program and it was going really great! Got me out of the house for about five hours a day, I finally had a routine going, my sleep schedule was on track; but then after three weeks I suddenly found myself unable to continue attending. Anxiety had gotten hold of me again, and after being absent for the fourth week I had called them to say I wouldn't be coming back.

I feel like shit now because ever since I stopped attending, my sleep schedule has deteriorated - It's past 3:30am and I'm typing this - and I'm no longer getting out of the house. I'm writing out a résumé right now because I figure the best shot I'm going to have at getting back on schedule is finding a job; but I worry that if I get hired somewhere I'm just going to fall into the same rut and eventually quit.
 
As of yesterday, mood seems to have stabilized for now. I'm still in a bad flare so it's not like I'm all puppies and rainbows right now but I don't feel like I'm getting beaten to death by my brain. That's at least a start.

I have a trip that I really, really want to do the weekend after next but I made those tentative plans during a period when I didn't feel all this pain. It doesn't seem feasible for me to drive four and a half hours and then be stuck in a house with thirty other people if I'm not feeling at least okay. And that really upsets me because ideally, I'd be all over this.

(That said, in preparation, I did buy one of those cool phone mounts you stick inside the air vent of your car. Gives me easy access to music and speakerphone if anyone calls me during said endless drive.)

I'm also having difficulty fending off this dude I slept with who has attached himself to me at a speed and intensity that makes every "GO AWAY" impulse in my body scream. Two days with him and he thinks we're best friends and feels justified in sending me endless, overlong texts that have increasingly been getting dickish and manipulative. I should just tell him off and then block him but I fear conflict so much, which is partly what landed me in this worsening situation to begin with.
 
I'm tired of having to drive over an hour each way to see my current therapist every damn week. I was referred to him by my psychiatrist, who is in the same city but whom I see much less often, so I don't really feel right just dropping him. I was planning on going to a concert tonight that's three hours away but I've already been to my appointment and back and now I'm too exhausted.

Anyway, this has taught me that I hate driving for long periods of time on a frequent basis. And I just happen to be about to start a job as a mail carrier. I fucking hate everything.

edit: Man I am not feeling good at all right now. I can't get comfortable and I feel kind of trapped inside my body
 
I don't know what to do.
Going outside, going to work leads to constant pain.
I am so afraid of people.
I've always been alone, and I wanted a relationship for a while, but when I realized I cannot perform in a job, I realized.I cannot hold up my end of a relationship.
I see couples and I think of how lonely I am and I am always teased.
I keep cutting myself as I hate myself, I hate myself more than anything.
I want to die but I'm so scared, I've been hospitalized several times but they never help as I'm still always alone to deal with every problem by myself, to fight with all types of people who bully me for being different.
I can't stand any more pain.
I want to go out and do something as it's my day off but I don't enjoy anything, I have no appetite, and when I put down money for anything imdulgent I feel so guilty as I've always been poor.
Please, I'd appreciate any help, I feel so cold and lonely.
I want to cry but I can't as I can't with my roomates, one of whom I've had to fight.
I can't keep living, people who can't work must be killed.
 
Past few weeks have been miserable. When I was in class, it was OK because even though I wasn't necessarily making friends I was around people my own age and that helped stave off the loneliness. Now I'm alone at my apartment and just have my dog for company. All my friends are busy with work and what have you which I understand but it still sucks. I have an internship that starts next week but it's only around 20 hours which is both a good and bad thing. Good because I have some fatigue issues that prevent me from doing too much, bad because I'm still going to have too much time to brood and sulk. I wish relationships weren't so difficult for me (I'm ASD). I'm not trying to put all of my problems on it but at the same time I'm trying to understand why I suck at relationships so I can better myself. I need to eat but don't have the energy to cook or go out and get something. I could have pizza delivered but the thought nauseates me for some reason. My dad wants me to come home this weekend but my mom is out of town and I can't find anyone to go with me so there's no layer of protection there. He always says he won't argue with me but then every time I see him he starts a fight and ends it by telling me I need to seek Jesus.

Suicide has come to mind but 1) I'm too much of a coward to do it and 2) I don't know what would happen to my dog. You know what's sad? There would probably be only a handful of people at my funeral. My body probably wouldn't be found for days because nobody would care enough to look for me.

I should be happy- I have a decent amount of money thanks to my parents, a decent place to live, and access to my favorite hobbies. But for some reason I can't be happy and that's the most frustrating part. I look around me and it comes so effortlessly to everyone else.

I think I need to see my psychiatrist and up my depression meds. We agreed to lower my dose because I felt like I was getting better but now that's obviously gone down a cliff. But he's always booked and I don't know when the soonest time I can see him is, plus I hate having to derive my happiness from pills. I have enough that I could up the dosage but I'm not sure how medically safe that is.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. I was supposed to hang out with a friend today but he never got back to me. I wasn't feeling great before but that just sent me down a new spiral.
 
Ugh, still feeling really panicky. Short of breath, too hot, too cold, anhedonic, can't focus... The circumstances don't seem so much worse than other experiences I've had that they should be triggering this, but I dunno.
 
GAF am I having an anxiety episode???

Today at work I've been getting irratable and feel the need to take deep breaths. I've been speaking under my breath, sometimes on repeat, like practicing a conversation that will never happen. This has happened before and can't seen to find a cause.

Sorry I'm a little ignrent on this,
 
GAF am I having an anxiety episode???

Today at work I've been getting irratable and feel the need to take deep breaths. I've been speaking under my breath, sometimes on repeat, like practicing a conversation that will never happen. This has happened before and can't seen to find a cause.

Sorry I'm a little ignrent on this,

Well, does it always happen when being at work or on other occasions, too?
Being irratable sometimes is nothing unusual though. There are times when things just don't go down the way you would like them to (especially at work!), and it's okay to let go here and then.
 
Well, had my first therapy appointment today...

My therapist was... well, the best way to describe him would be to say he reminded me of a hypothetical crazy uncle. It was such a bizarre experience. Most definitely not going back to him. Guess I gotta find someone else. Haha
 
Well, had my first therapy appointment today...

My therapist was... well, the best way to describe him would be to say he reminded me of a hypothetical crazy uncle. It was such a bizarre experience. Most definitely not going back to him. Guess I gotta find someone else. Haha

Sorry that your first go was a miss. Keep at it. It's important you find someone who you feel very comfortable with. Good luck!
 
Well, had my first therapy appointment today...

My therapist was... well, the best way to describe him would be to say he reminded me of a hypothetical crazy uncle. It was such a bizarre experience. Most definitely not going back to him. Guess I gotta find someone else. Haha

You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to this phone call. Hahaha.

I'm also waiting on therapy. I sat through the interview process at my city's mental health center and now they have to do all the paperwork and then set me up with someone (who I either like or don't). Mood's been shaky overall but that's to be expected recovering from a bad depression spell and the flare I'm in.
 
Well, does it always happen when being at work or on other occasions, too?
Being irratable sometimes is nothing unusual though. There are times when things just don't go down the way you would like them to (especially at work!), and it's okay to let go here and then.

Usually at work. Nothing really bad happens when it triggers, it seems random, it was just an ordinary day. Maybe it has something to do with all the chocolate I eat when I visit my mom lol

Oh well should be fine tomorrow anyways
 
GAF am I having an anxiety episode???

Today at work I've been getting irratable and feel the need to take deep breaths. I've been speaking under my breath, sometimes on repeat, like practicing a conversation that will never happen. This has happened before and can't seen to find a cause.

Sorry I'm a little ignrent on this,
I've dealt with anxiety for 7 years. It hit me fairly suddenly when I was 25, and it was even a very beautiful and happy time of my life. I'll explain a bit about my experience and you can see if it is comparable to what you see in yourself.

There may be things weighing on you that are driving it, or it may be from nothing at all. What I found in myself is that I have to keep stressing factors in my life at a minimum. If I push myself too hard trying to just willpower through, stay involved with too many activities, too much information input, too many arguments, too much negative news, too much dark/dramatic/contentious media, too much overall endless stimulation with no downtimes, I'll much more often and intensely experience anxiety.

The tricky thing about that anxiety for me is that it is purely a physical response. Early on my mind would be filled with concerns when it happened so I thought it might be cognitively driven, like a worry about this or that, but when I would feel anxious I would examine what was on my mind and found it was nothing to be anxious about, and then my mind would jump to something else, and so it would go until it went to something really abstract and mysterious like death.

It became clear that I was feeling the feelings with no cause, and so my mind went searching for a cause to explain the existent feeling in order to resolve it and hopefully thus resolve the feeling as well. After I came to realize this, I became more capable of simply experiencing the sensation as a physiological illness that I have to manage. If you can think of things in your life that are legitimate reasons to be anxious that most other people would be too, it might just be circumstance and something you need to sort out. But if you find the things on your mind are unjustified, maybe you just feel the feeling for no reason.

My mind isn't troubled with worries anymore, but I will get frustrated with people or things that aren't a big deal before catching myself and telling myself I just need to chill out. Sometimes it happens with stuff on the news that is a big deal but I'm too detached from to be dwelling on it, sometimes it is complaining about some dumb annoyance, sometimes it is getting into stupid arguments on GAF. That is when it happens while I'm busy with stuff, yet the anxiety will still happen sometimes even when I'm just sitting down doing nothing, and I just breathe deep and and slow try to relax my muscles.

It's definitely annoying, and sometimes I'll even get this sense that I'm going to die soon, like in the next year or something. Not like a worry, but like a calm matter-of-fact feeling that it is the case. That creeps out some people, but I see it as just a byproduct of the anxiety. I've eliminated panic attacks, highly mitigated mental burdens, and heavily cooled off the persistent anxiety by keeping a deliberately moderate lifestyle, but I don't know how to get rid of the bodily stress feelings and these forebodings completely. It is indeed an illness, especially when it messes up sleep and eating habits.
 
I figured as much. I started talking to this new girl and she super likes me, like a few women do. But the reason why I wanted to be with my ex-err-notsosure-rn isn't as simple as "love". I wanted to help her and that remains. I wasn't missing someone loving or liking me.

This is why "there are plenty other fish in the sea" doesn't work. It doesn't matter if I have a new girlfriend, I still respect this person for who she is and it's nonsensical and superficial to try and forget that.

Anyway, it hurts her to know that I'm possibly with someone else. I have had that recurring nightmare for the past couple of years. I understand where it comes from too. The world is just fucked for her and I wanted to find a way to make her happy, and I still do.

Being with someone else, regardless of who they are, won't remove the importance of helping this one girl out. She deserves to be happy and my depression stems from being unable to help her.

I said this to the psychiatrists, 4 of them in an evaluation. They respected it, it doesn't come from crazy.

I want to help someone that no one else cares to. And I worked so hard to give her a way to be happy in a broken world. That didn't work.

I wish it was as simple that I could replace these feelings with another girl. But it has nothing to do with her being a girl or my girlfriend. I really want the best for her and I don't think I can do anything about it.

"care about yourself" is exactly why some people who don't fit in are so hurt in this world. We need less of that advice.
 
I figured as much. I started talking to this new girl and she super likes me, like a few women do. But the reason why I wanted to be with my ex-err-notsosure-rn isn't as simple as "love". I wanted to help her and that remains. I wasn't missing someone loving or liking me.

This is why "there are plenty other fish in the sea" doesn't work. It doesn't matter if I have a new girlfriend, I still respect this person for who she is and it's nonsensical and superficial to try and forget that.

Anyway, it hurts her to know that I'm possibly with someone else. I have had that recurring nightmare for the past couple of years. I understand where it comes from too. The world is just fucked for her and I wanted to find a way to make her happy, and I still do.

Being with someone else, regardless of who they are, won't remove the importance of helping this one girl out. She deserves to be happy and my depression stems from being unable to help her.

I said this to the psychiatrists, 4 of them in an evaluation. They respected it, it doesn't come from crazy.

I want to help someone that no one else cares to. And I worked so hard to give her a way to be happy in a broken world. That didn't work.

I wish it was as simple that I could replace these feelings with another girl. But it has nothing to do with her being a girl or my girlfriend. I really want the best for her and I don't think I can do anything about it.

"care about yourself" is exactly why some people who don't fit in are so hurt in this world. We need less of that advice.

Can you elaborate? This is a confusing post. Why couldn't you help your ex? What went wrong?
 
Can you elaborate? This is a confusing post. Why couldn't you help your ex? What went wrong?

It's an incoherent rant, I apologise. It's just that the suggestion to be with a new girl didn't solve the original problem.

I can't do anything but wish my ex still unsure, tentative I guess) luck. Giving up trying to make her happy, feels like giving up. I would want nothing more than someone else to go in and do what I couldn't, I hope I am not making a mistake letting that happen.

Basically, I get nightmares that she'll get hurt or end up as alone as she was before we met. If only I didn't suck.

Ah, I'm just following the suggestion. I think maybe it's safe to say that it isn't love.

I wish I in praying for people, but I feel that some people just say it so that they don't have to be responsible for helping.
 
Continuing to care for someone and be there for them is one thing, but feeling responsible for the outcomes of their life insofar as you are not there or unable to solve it for them is another thing entirely. You can't shoulder that burden.
 
You know I think I just really hate people. I'm done. I'm going to make one call tomorrow, read off the screen with exactly what I want to say, and be done.
 
I hope this is ok. I needed to write. Sorry that it's fragmented, I kind of just let things flow out.




Scared that the one person who says that they understand really doesn't.
They're going to get sick of my constant insecurity and worry and find someone more put together. Someone able to function most days.
So terribly sick of being trapped in this body that doesn't let me do much, sometimes for months on end. Migraines every day for weeks and weeks.
"Smile more! You're so beautiful!"
Advice that is heard frequently.
"Disappointment."
Something I heard once.
Hid myself away. Ever the recluse. 6 years passed. last thing I felt was tightness and my lips gasping for air. A fish out of water. I left. 3 years later, I'm better, but worse.
"Oh. You need to just get out there and get a better job. THEY'LL UNDERSTAND AND WORK WITH YOU"
No one wants to hire someone who can't be reliable due to health reasons. No one wants to hire someone who can't be there for a month(s) at a time.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm never going to feel better. That this is all my life has been and always will be. It's getting harder and harder to not feel like that these days.
"Once you're out there, working more, you'll be fine. You'll get over it"
Like I'm some horse about to jump a hurdle.
It's probably always going to be hard to get out of bed. People are always going to look down on me. Call me a "hypochondriac", even though I'm not. They don't understand. They've never gone through it.

The goal is to be a medical laboratory scientist, but is that really plausible? Maybe it's less of a goal and more of a dream.

The things that I see sometimes that I know aren't actually there.
The dreams I get trapped in sometimes. Like hands clawing at my chest, pulling off my skin, tearing open my ribs. My demons not being held back by and earthly constraints, finally allowed to play for a while, angry since I cut their voices out a while ago.

Realize I'm drenched in sweat when I can finally move.
Why is he the first thing on my mind?
Wondering a lot if he will want to be here with me once the time actually comes.
Maybe I wont actually be able to be with him and that time wont come.
Is it all just talk? Maybe it's all we both have anymore. We're both holding on to this. Grasping at the one thing that feels ok in this fucked up world. He doesn't feel right too. Plagued by holes that don't heal very well. Will the time ever come? 3 years is a long time. To not touch. To not see them much. To not do things with them.

Doctors throwing me on more medications to "see if it helps" that really only do more harm through side effects than good.
He literally said to me "This one has been know to have bad side effects"
My mom was right to give me up after I was born. Maybe she just knew how much of a burden I would be. Since the first year of my life, it's been this fucking battle. At first it was to live, now it's the consequences of being allowed to stay here on this plane.
At what cost? If I had a choice back then, was old enough to talk and knew the consequences, would I still be here?
The answer used to be so clear.
"NO"
Suppose things have gotten complicated and that answer is "?"

What's the point of continuing going to school if there's not much of a future?

I continue to see the blue dots? They're always there. The neurologist shrugged at me. I always see them. He was a douche bag.
Feeling like you're on the verge of screaming. That you're never going to be anything more than a burden.
"Don't say that" she starts crying. "I hate it when you say that."
You don't have to feel it. I wasn't give a choice in this. It's always so easy to drop the subject when you're on the other end of things. Shoving things into the closet to forget at your convenience.
"Spin the wheel. It'll decide the treatment"
They signed my life away and spun a literal wheel of chemo treatments.
As if putting them on a wheel turned it into something it wasn't. Like receiving a prize. How morbid.
"Experimental" they said
 
I've dealt with anxiety for 7 years. It hit me fairly suddenly when I was 25, and it was even a very beautiful and happy time of my life. I'll explain a bit about my experience and you can see if it is comparable to what you see in yourself.

There may be things weighing on you that are driving it, or it may be from nothing at all. What I found in myself is that I have to keep stressing factors in my life at a minimum. If I push myself too hard trying to just willpower through, stay involved with too many activities, too much information input, too many arguments, too much negative news, too much dark/dramatic/contentious media, too much overall endless stimulation with no downtimes, I'll much more often and intensely experience anxiety.

The tricky thing about that anxiety for me is that it is purely a physical response. Early on my mind would be filled with concerns when it happened so I thought it might be cognitively driven, like a worry about this or that, but when I would feel anxious I would examine what was on my mind and found it was nothing to be anxious about, and then my mind would jump to something else, and so it would go until it went to something really abstract and mysterious like death.

It became clear that I was feeling the feelings with no cause, and so my mind went searching for a cause to explain the existent feeling in order to resolve it and hopefully thus resolve the feeling as well. After I came to realize this, I became more capable of simply experiencing the sensation as a physiological illness that I have to manage. If you can think of things in your life that are legitimate reasons to be anxious that most other people would be too, it might just be circumstance and something you need to sort out. But if you find the things on your mind are unjustified, maybe you just feel the feeling for no reason.

My mind isn't troubled with worries anymore, but I will get frustrated with people or things that aren't a big deal before catching myself and telling myself I just need to chill out. Sometimes it happens with stuff on the news that is a big deal but I'm too detached from to be dwelling on it, sometimes it is complaining about some dumb annoyance, sometimes it is getting into stupid arguments on GAF. That is when it happens while I'm busy with stuff, yet the anxiety will still happen sometimes even when I'm just sitting down doing nothing, and I just breathe deep and and slow try to relax my muscles.

It's definitely annoying, and sometimes I'll even get this sense that I'm going to die soon, like in the next year or something. Not like a worry, but like a calm matter-of-fact feeling that it is the case. That creeps out some people, but I see it as just a byproduct of the anxiety. I've eliminated panic attacks, highly mitigated mental burdens, and heavily cooled off the persistent anxiety by keeping a deliberately moderate lifestyle, but I don't know how to get rid of the bodily stress feelings and these forebodings completely. It is indeed an illness, especially when it messes up sleep and eating habits.

Hey thanks for the reply Dice I'll keep this stuff in mind. Though reading that I don't know if I have had an actual "attack", it felt pretty mild compared to your description. I don't if it's caused by stress, it seems I only start worrying about things after I feel elevated, and I'm worrying about the same things I wouldn't have been worried about on a better day.

I'm thinking it may be triggered by some combination of how long I slept (too long?) and what I ate (I tend to overeat sugary stuff when I visit my parents, look they just got those Doves laying around I can't help it lol)

I'm gonna go to a doctor sometime this year, and maybe even a therapist or something which I haven't been to since I was like 9 and gave me ADD medicine which fucked me up hardcore so I've been scared of going on medication since lol

...aaand I say this all as I down my second mug of coffee for the morning preparing for work

I hope this is ok. I needed to write. Sorry that it's fragmented, I kind of just let things flow out.

hoi Seaking! Just to get better context, you are in chemotherapy?

Also,

"Smile more! You're so beautiful!"

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hoi Seaking! Just to get better context, you are in chemotherapy?

Also,



41200fa3bed1d00530d98c8e12c71e65.jpg
Hello :)
I used to be. Not anymore. Knock on wood.
It's more so that I feel like I've never been given a good chance to live a healthy life. I'm frustrated lately. I was doing so well, but my health just... fell back into place like usual. I always end up feeling crappy again.

Larry David is my spirit animal lol
 
Being stupid tight on money and not eating enough has left me with some really sour moods, nevermind crap like screwing up at college (largely due to the current living situation I fear.) Gotta step back and reevaluate things once I have financial breathing room.
 
Really sucks seeing old friends and people I knew on Facebook successful married or in a relationship with kids. Times like this I wish I was sick in the hospital with some terminal disease and all I need to worry about is when I'm a going to die. Or better yet travel back in time like the Flash and kill myself as a kid.
 
I've been home alone for one day and I'm stir crazy.

I was invited to a party tonight, but asked if it'd be okay if I hung out with the birthday guy alone sometime and got a beer because quite a few people will be unfamiliar to me at the party. He said it was fine.

Was supposed to have a date tomorrow. Got really excited, as it's the 2nd and the first went really well. But she forgot she's busy. I'm waiting to hear when she wants to hang out again. But she did say she forgot about being busy because she was so excited about seeing me again. Somehow my awkwardness worked there.

Also just came across an old bill. Turns out I paid $50 for a pair of shoes I thought I paid $25 for, as they were supposed to be on sale. It's too late (2 months) to go back and get my money back or return them and I'm mad at myself, because I'm usually very careful.

Really sucks seeing old friends and people I knew on Facebook successful married or in a relationship with kids. Times like this I wish I was sick in the hospital with some terminal disease and all I need to worry about is when I'm a going to die. Or better yet travel back in time like the Flash and kill myself as a kid.

I feel the exact same way. You're not alone.

I mostly want to travel back in time to tell my Mom to stop smoking, or see her again.
 
Really sucks seeing old friends and people I knew on Facebook successful married or in a relationship with kids. Times like this I wish I was sick in the hospital with some terminal disease and all I need to worry about is when I'm a going to die. Or better yet travel back in time like the Flash and kill myself as a kid.

Yep it's terrible. Everyone I know is happily married and having kids or adopting kids. I keep wanting to reach out to my ex for comfort, but I know she's seeing someone and I need to let her go. I've been so depressed and lost interest in everything. I'm trying to force myself out to meet new friends and start new hobbies. It just sucks going from a state of being with the woman you love and knowing you're gonna have a future with kids and all that to nothing.
 
Hi guys, just wanted to drop by and tell those with OCD to look out for OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

My OCD and intrusive disturbing thoughts are 99% gone, but right now I'm stuck with OCPD which I had no idea existed. If you are a perfectionist and it brings great anxiety if nothing goes your way, please be aware of this. I only say this because after my OCD and disturbing thoughts were gone, I still felt anxious and obsessive about small things everyday, but I am relieved to know about OCPD and it can be treated as well. That's were I am right now.

If someone is interested in my story, let me know. Right now I'm taking medicine for my anxiety and OCPD, and haven't seen a therapist in months. Still need a lot to work on, like socialization and doing productive activities in the day that I could not do before because of OCD.
 
Ugh, my SRA and Fibro are flaring really badly today along with my gall bladder issues.

I'm not as depressed today, but my pain levels are bringing me down. I might have to take some pain meds here in a minute.

Man. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to atmospheres, because my dreams are weird as fuck and thinking about them is terrible.

My dreams are like an HR Giger painting through the lens of Lovecraft.

So yeah, fuck dreams man.

Makes for great inspiration for writing though.
 
Speaking of dreams, I've had bad dreams for almost 8 years now after my OCD was triggered. Its not that you get used to them, but rather that you accept them as just dreams. Thinking logically about them had me less anxious in the morning, and lessen how much importance I put into them. I used to remember the dreams clearly throughout the day, but now I just forget them right away. Although, my bad dreams are about real situations and past relationships, and not nightmarish HR Giger landscapes and monstrosities.
 
My dreams are like an HR Giger painting through the lens of Lovecraft.

So yeah, fuck dreams man.

Makes for great inspiration for writing though.
I'm not bothered by the content, but rather how weird they are, and considering I'm moderately sensitive to atmospheres, particularly dark and lonely ones, weirdness is the last thing I need.
 
So I posted a few days back about being diagnosed with Depersonalisation Disorder. Anyone else on here suffer from it? If so what action have you taken to stop it?

Thanx in advance.
 
Hi guys, just wanted to drop by and tell those with OCD to look out for OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

My OCD and intrusive disturbing thoughts are 99% gone, but right now I'm stuck with OCPD which I had no idea existed. If you are a perfectionist and it brings great anxiety if nothing goes your way, please be aware of this. I only say this because after my OCD and disturbing thoughts were gone, I still felt anxious and obsessive about small things everyday, but I am relieved to know about OCPD and it can be treated as well. That's were I am right now.

If someone is interested in my story, let me know. Right now I'm taking medicine for my anxiety and OCPD, and haven't seen a therapist in months. Still need a lot to work on, like socialization and doing productive activities in the day that I could not do before because of OCD.

I have noticed this about myself. I really doubt I have OCPD...it's more my natural OCD manifesting itself over a few things beyond intrusive thoughts, which are the main source of my OCD. Being aware of it helps me keep a lid on it though. I do my best to stop any sort of obsessive behaviors before they get a chance to grow and cement themselves.
 
I'm falling apart pretty hard right now. I'm fucking pathetic. I just can't stop bugging my ex, I've deleted her # but caught myself digging it up through voice mails. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I lashing out and beginning someone to be with me that is moved on to someone else? I pushed her to blocking me, but it's made me an emotional wreck, all my friends just don't understand why I don't just move on, I wish I could... I won't lie, I keep getting extremely bad thoughts in my head, but I know taking my life isn't the way to go. I already know that I need to go NC and keep myself busy, but I just need to vent to somebody, anyone..
 
I'm falling apart pretty hard right now. I'm fucking pathetic. I just can't stop bugging my ex, I've deleted her # but caught myself digging it up through voice mails. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I lashing out and beginning someone to be with me that is moved on to someone else? I pushed her to blocking me, but it's made me an emotional wreck, all my friends just don't understand why I don't just move on, I wish I could... I won't lie, I keep getting extremely bad thoughts in my head, but I know taking my life isn't the way to go. I already know that I need to go NC and keep myself busy, but I just need to vent to somebody, anyone..

I've been there. It feels horrible now, and will continue to ache for a while, but it will pass in time. I'm not a good at the emotional stuff though. I don't know if you want practical advice, so apologies if I'm being presumptuous.
But the best way to feel better is to find something long term to do and dedicate yourself to that, as it will take your mind of her. Avoid potential reminders. If there's something you used to do together that you have a habit of indulging in, drop it.

It might be useful to, when you find yourself tempted to check up on something related to her or you start thinking about her and start feeling sadness or pain, try and write down the situation, then your accompanying thoughts and emotions, then how you feel physically as a result. It may seem pointless or arbitrary, but it will help.

Another important thing is to talk to someone you trust about it. The importance of talking about something like that can't be stressed enough. If it feels really bad, maybe reach out to a counselor or a therapist. If nothing is available to you there and then, try talking to yourself aloud about it. It actually helps. Don't worry about if it makes you sound crazy or weird. You're not.

Keep in mind that the pain and sorrow will pass. The more you distract yourself from it and the more you talk to people about it, the less painful it will be and the less space it will occupy in your mind.
 
So working sales floor retail, we have this "ten-foot courtesy" rule. Any customer in that radius we are supposed to greet and ask if they need any assistance, to great a more friendly and helpful atmosphere.

Well, I don't do any of that.

I ignore everyone until they ask me directly, or I move out of the way without saying a word. I might do a quick half smile to not look like a total asshole.

I barely want to look in a person's general direction, let alone actually make eye contact with someone.

Five years here, and I'm shocked I haven't been caught and coached yet.

Honesty, even if I get fired over it, I don't think I'll change. You'd have to strap me down at gunpoint before I'd even think of changing my antisocial habits.
 
I'm home alone for the week, and have been for a couple of days now. I was looking forward to it, and though I don't exactly miss some of the commotion, I find myself stir crazy, bored and lonely. I can't decide on what I want to do, or what time to do things at.

My friend is away visiting her boyfriend. My other friends have lives and don't do a lot with me. The girl I'm dating rescheduled date number 2 to Wednesday and isn't texting much.

I keep wanting to go to Walmart and buy more colouring books and pencil crayons, but that's my shopping addiction and boredom talking. Plus, two companies are supposed to be sending me coupons for that stuff because of defects. They didn't arrive today.
 
This is probably going to be the only post that I make on GAF today

My interests in things have been fading for a while, but I only recently started repairing my self-image, and I can feel the potential to go out and do stuff, but there's no actual motivation there. It was far less frustrating when I didn't care about myself or improving, but now that I'm more okay with myself, I hate the fact that I don't feel the drive to do anything, but I still feel the potential to accomplish anything that I want to. I want to do something but nothing's calling to me. If you guys have any advice, stories, experience, etc., I'd like to hear it. I'll read through all of it.

Thanks in advance.
 
I've been in a near-constant state of semi-panic the last few days over this job stuff. I can barely breathe. It seems ridiculous to stick with the job if this is what it does to me.
 
I've been in a near-constant state of semi-panic the last few days over this job stuff. I can barely breathe. It seems ridiculous to stick with the job if this is what it does to me.

What is the job? Try to stick with it even it at present it might be stressing you out, eventually you tend to get used to the demands of the job and while its not say that working won't tire you out anymore, but what once might have seemed really strenuous and stressful perhaps won't seem as bad.

This year I've started relief teaching. The first few shifts and weeks were really stressful and tiring. Now that a few months have passed, doing a days shift is no way near as mentally and physically taxing as when I first started. Also, if you haven't been working for awhile and then you get consistent employment, it takes a little time to get used to working regularly. Don't give up and gradually you can get more confident in your job!
 
Hi guys.

It's been a long time since I actually posted anything substantial but...I've hit rock bottom.
My parents are kicking me out soon until I find a job or send me off to India (which is absolutely not an option for MANY reasons). If I find a job, they'll delay kicking me out but...I'm still getting kicked out either way.
Been frantically trying to look for work but there's absolutely no one hiring me. There's no one I can crash with either and I feel my depression finally taking over the reigns of my life when I just managed to let go of it's grasp.

I'm taking medication for my depression, it's only 10 mg of Fluxotine but...I feel I'm finally screwed in my life.
I might be homeless soon and I'm absolutely hopelessly depressed and ready to give in. Nothing in my life ever works and not even an entry level job is taking me in...I feel like my life is over...
 
Hi guys.

It's been a long time since I actually posted anything substantial but...I've hit rock bottom.
My parents are kicking me out soon until I find a job or send me off to India (which is absolutely not an option for MANY reasons). If I find a job, they'll delay kicking me out but...I'm still getting kicked out either way.
Been frantically trying to look for work but there's absolutely no one hiring me. There's no one I can crash with either and I feel my depression finally taking over the reigns of my life when I just managed to let go of it's grasp.

I'm taking medication for my depression, it's only 10 mg of Fluxotine but...I feel I'm finally screwed in my life.
I might be homeless soon and I'm absolutely hopelessly depressed and ready to give in. Nothing in my life ever works and not even an entry level job is taking me in...I feel like my life is over...
Your life is not over at all. You will find a job, I believe in you.
 
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