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[User 479360]

I know what you mean, I think depression really dulls the mind the longer you have it. I struggle to enjoy anything, even the things I like.

I got diagnosed ADHD and take meds for it but sometimes the meds just make me really good and focused at doing nothing!

Yeah, it does for sure. I hate it. I want to enjoy things.

I may need ADHD meds.

 

[beanman25]

I haven't slept really much at all the first 2 nights I've tried Ambien & Zoloft. Doc said to try both at nighttime, but I've woken at around 3am with nausea. So I'm thinking of waiting until AM to take Zoloft.

IS that wise?

I've been dealing with little to no sleep for a couple of weeks and now I'm getting very panicky. Clammy skin, tingling hands, quick breaths. All the same to what my brother experienced with his panic attacks. I will say that I feel better when I take the zoloft, it's just the side effects interfering with my sleep I guess.

 

[lebowski4ever]

i have worked in an adolescent forensic unit for 11 years now as a support worker snd have been 'through' depression myself...if you ever get through it. i have to motivate myself to do stuff. overthink things way too much...luckily my wife is a nurse who fully understands my job.

 

[kaskade]

I've had anxiety all my life (im 24). I would always get really anxious before school growing up. Usually the first week or two of the school year. That ended up getting better as I got older. I've had it pretty under control for the past few years. I recently moved out of my parents home. Last night was the first official night staying over and my anxiety hasn't been this bad in a long time. It really sucks. I'm not sure if it's the feeling of changing in schedule. I think it's also because my room was safe space and I kinda feel like that got ripped away. I know I can always go back home if things don't work out for whatever reason. Which I obviously don't want to do because id be giving in. It really sucks having these feelings though. I feel like so many people can just move out and do whatever with no negative feelings. I'm feeling like shit and I'm literally a few miles from my parents home.

 

[SeriousApes]

I need to remember not to get my hopes up. I have an active imagination and that inevitably leads to disappointment when I start daydreaming about what could be. Ah well, it's my own fault.

But sometimes I think I go a little too far in the opposite direction. Do you know what I mean? Like, in order to avoid being disappointed, I prematurely and excessively view situations with skepticism. Always with a disclaimer in my mind, "No, it couldn't be, that's not the way it is... not for you, etc." The little angel on my shoulder sometimes chimes in and asks, "Why not?"

But I always let the negative voice win. It's easier, safer, and it's what I've grown accustomed to. Prior experience tells me that the devil on my shoulder is usually right. But still... "Why not? Why couldn't it be... Why not you?"

Part of me wishes I could ignore that meek voice, even if it is trying to help.

 

[esmith08734]

I've had anxiety all my life (im 24). I would always get really anxious before school growing up. Usually the first week or two of the school year. That ended up getting better as I got older. I've had it pretty under control for the past few years. I recently moved out of my parents home. Last night was the first official night staying over and my anxiety hasn't been this bad in a long time. It really sucks. I'm not sure if it's the feeling of changing in schedule. I think it's also because my room was safe space and I kinda feel like that got ripped away. I know I can always go back home if things don't work out for whatever reason. Which I obviously don't want to do because id be giving in. It really sucks having these feelings though. I feel like so many people can just move out and do whatever with no negative feelings. I'm feeling like shit and I'm literally a few miles from my parents home.

I think that's normal. I am on my own and I always get upset the first few days back after coming home. Once you get in the swing of things, it gets easier.

 

[AtomskEater]

I don't know if this is the right thread to get my thoughts out, but it's the best one I've been able to locate.

I have a friend who is threatening suicide, but also implying (in some cases outright stating) that they won't go through with it if I date them. At one point I may have said yes to dating, even being aware that they are struggling with several mental illnesses, but the suicide mentions just brought up red lights. At this point I can't in all honesty say that I'd be dating them because I want to and not because I'm afraid of what they might do. They are on medication, but I'm not sure what if any other help they're getting.

Contacting their family is going to be difficult, as we primarily communicate via cellphone and chat programs. I'm planning to ask around with mutual friends and see if any of them know.

My only option now seems to be to get my thoughts in order and have a frank discussion about it. I've always been a mixture of people-pleaser/doormate and saying "no" has never been my strong suit, and now I feel like someone's life is hinging on me.

 

[SeriousApes]

-snip-
My only option now seems to be to get my thoughts in order and have a frank discussion about it. I've always been a mixture of people-pleaser/doormate and saying "no" has never been my strong suit, and now I feel like someone's life is hinging on me.

It's not fair for someone to put that kind of mental burden on you. His/Her issues are not your own, and if you're unsure of your reasons for wanting to date this person, then it's unfair to the both of you to get into that kind of commitment. Keep in mind that those kind of threats of suicide will likely come up repeatedly while you're together. Be there for your friend, help them, but I don't think it's a good idea to start a romantic relationship is he/she seems unstable.

 

[jb1234]

I don't know if this is the right thread to get my thoughts out, but it's the best one I've been able to locate.

I have a friend who is threatening suicide, but also implying (in some cases outright stating) that they won't go through with it if I date them. At one point I may have said yes to dating, even being aware that they are struggling with several mental illnesses, but the suicide mentions just brought up red lights. At this point I can't in all honesty say that I'd be dating them because I want to and not because I'm afraid of what they might do. They are on medication, but I'm not sure what if any other help they're getting.

Contacting their family is going to be difficult, as we primarily communicate via cellphone and chat programs. I'm planning to ask around with mutual friends and see if any of them know.

My only option now seems to be to get my thoughts in order and have a frank discussion about it. I've always been a mixture of people-pleaser/doormate and saying "no" has never been my strong suit, and now I feel like someone's life is hinging on me.

That's a very nasty form of emotional blackmail. Under no circumstances date this person. It would be toxic for both of you.

 

[EmiPrime]

I tried. I failed. My posts about it are here somewhere in this thread. But you know what, I can't even be bothered to find and link them. I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Forget about it.

Ambitious, it would be cool to talk privately. We can complain about Apple and I can regale you with my pidgin German.

Yeah, it does for sure. I hate it. I want to enjoy things.

I may need ADHD meds.

I know that feeling all to well. So likewise Chewie, I'm around on iMessages or Hangouts as well as PMs.

I have a friend who is threatening suicide, but also implying (in some cases outright stating) that they won't go through with it if I date them.

That is a huge betrayal on their part, it's a horrible threat. I would say in no uncertain terms that suicide ultimatums are not cool and if they don't take that seriously cut off all contact with them. You can't be there for someone if they weaponise their suicidal ideations and use them to manipulate you.

 

[Team Alucard]

I think I'm done with my therapist. She's nice but she can't help me.

I think more than anything else I just want validation, but not the usual kind. There comes a point in your own self-loathing where your thoughts feelings, and opinions don't even mean anything to yourself anymore. I just want someone to tell me that my despair is valid, and that ending my life is not only completely justifiable, but a rational course of action.

 

[Izuna]

That was a very long downer. Lasted a whole day.

I'm going to sign up to a Local GP and see if there's something seriously wrong with me. The anxiety and depression are separate it seems. My University also wants me to sign up for additional help.

Either that... or milkshake really is happiness.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

Man, I'm having intense withdrawal from my escitalopram.

I live abroad and only got six months with me, now I'm completely dry. Head is spinning, dizzy, balance is off.

 

[melichrous]

Okay, so I've posted in here before, but then I removed it, mainly out of worry cause I know some people on here IRL.

I've fallen into another pretty bad place, and I'm kinda confused and at a loss as to what to do with myself. Last time I'd dropped in here, I was borderline suicidal, and going through all of the bullshit associated with self harm and the likes. Sometime after my last post, one of my friends managed to talk me into going to see my doctor, and I finally got medicated. That stuff really helped, everything was fine and dandy once the meds started working, and I really felt like I'd managed to get myself back on track. No regression to how I was feeling before, barely even fleeting thoughts about it. Kept myself busy etc...

Then I moved back home from the town I was going to college in. First review with my doctor after I'd got back here, got took off the meds as I apparently no longer needed them. This was 4~5 months back. Late January I think. Been pretty smooth sailing since then to be honest, nothing really phasing me in any sort of meaningful way.

I have absolutely no idea what happened, but this past week has been complete hell for me. I've basically gone from being happy to being at about the same level as the worst I'd been before I thought I had everything figured out. It's just really weird for me, I feel pretty fucking numb, but confused and kind of angry at the same time. I know most of the anger is focused on myself for ending up in this state again, and I'm worried that I'm gonna end up snapping at someone for no reason.

At this point there is zero chance I'll end up acting on anything, so that's cool I guess.
Just needed to rant a little tbh, and this seemed like the best place for this at the minute to get this off my chest a little.

Thanks and apologies for the little brain dump

 

[wbsmcs]

I don't know what's up with me, but reading some posts and I feel like I'm experiencing a lot what some people are feeling. I don't have a will to do anything or enjoy myself. A couple of hours ago I thought to play some ps4 but while trying to decide a game to play I thought "what's the point? What is this going to accomplish for me?"

Nowadays I come home from work, eat, and wait out the night and try to get to sleep. The one thing I do enjoy is going out with my friends but that only happens so much. I have plans for Friday and that's keeping me going right now.

I don't know if part of it is from my dad dying a couple of months ago. I don't feel like I'm grieving anymore and I think that I'm over it, but don't know if it's some indirect effect.

I'm also looking for a one year internship to start in September and have been unsuccessful for the last 8 months and time is running out which is stressing me out. The summer job I have now I only got through a friends dad.

I understand I don't have it that bad, and think that this is just a rut for me, but I like to get this out here because I don't know where else to say it.

My mom would understand and be helpful but I don't want to make her any more sad because she is still grieving and I try to stay strong for her. And my friends aren't the type i would open up to like this, not in any bad way, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it with them.

I guess I feel like I just don't have a purpose now, and I know I should get a hobby and find something to occupy myself with, but I don't know how to begin that.

Sorry if this post is rambling. It did feel good to write it though.

 

[Blitzrules240]

I guess this is time for me to post in this thread. I'll admit I'm probably not 100% sane in the head and I do some things that make me question myself but I guess I need some help. It's hard to explain this because it makes me feel so weak but here goes nothing.

I'm not the biggest fan of driving downtown in my state, I have this stupid paranoia that I'm going to get in a wreck or get hurt making the wrong move at the wrong time in those bustling streets and four way stops (I've had some close calls at four ways before). I hate my paranoia and my fear of downtown because I feel like I'm going to get offed in a car crash for some damn reason and I'm living in constant fear of downtown driving because of it. I always Uber downtown or have my friends drive and pay for one of their beers. I just can't for the life of me get over this asinine fear. I've driving farther out than downtown yet it just hinders my psyche.

I did get lost down there once when I was younger, maybe it's a psychological fear. Anyways I have a date this weekend and I picked a place downtown and part of me just wants to Uber down there but part of me thinks it's time to be a man and face my fucking fears but I'm just so torn/frustrated/scared with myself.

This whole fear of the downtown scene has soured my love life since a lot of my matches are from the area while I'm in a rural town on the outskirts.

I gotta figure this out, I'm 25. No girl wants a guy who will Uber them all over town because he's a bitch when it comes to driving.

 

[Ponn]

Yeah, it does for sure. I hate it. I want to enjoy things.

I may need ADHD meds.

At some point it almost feels like you are going through addiction symptoms looking for that next "distraction" from depression. They are always talking about how its Bipolar's that go manic and spend all their money suddenly but I feel anyone suffering from depression is susceptible. It's hard for me to get into something or a hobby but when I do boy do I go all in or nothing. Then at some point, sometimes very quickly I get super tired of whatever it was that gave me a spark of life and go back into my hole and regret everything I just bought or got into. I've found myself doing it with lifelong hobbies even like video gaming where I have occasionally sold off everything i owned convincing myself I was done with it only to then get super depressed and trying to rebuy everything in a month. It just keeps taking longer to enjoy things and when I do it keeps getting more fleeting every time. I don't know if any of that really had anything to do with what you are dealing with it just sounded familiar to me.

Man, I'm having intense withdrawal from my escitalopram.

I live abroad and only got six months with me, now I'm completely dry. Head is spinning, dizzy, balance is off.

I'm sorry to hear that and psychological med withdrawl is really really dangerous. You need to see a dr. asap and/or probably better an ER so they can give you some meds right away and check things. I hope you get help soon and are feeling better.

i haven't checked into MD GAF in awhile, my minds been shit and i've had some bombs i've been dealing with it. My brother died in Nov. and I recently found out he had a son he never told anyone about that he pretty much abandonded as a baby. He was trying to reconcile with him just like he was with the rest of his family before he died suddenly. Well his son found out about my brothers side of the family and started trying to reach out to my sister and my mom and me. He was apparently really excited understandibly, his dad abandoned him and he was leaving with his grandma and then all of a sudden he had family he didn't know about. I have sever issues with my brother so it makes it hard for me to connect with my nephew now because i'm afraid. I'm afraid of having to tell him his dad was a monster and did horrible things to me and my sister as kids, and continued to terrorize us well into adulthood. Im afraid of seeing my brother every time I look at him and holding it unfairly against him. To make it worse my sister has already met him and apparently my nephew is almost exactly like me. He shares the same hobbies, she said his room looks exactly like mine, he is developing similar physical issues and is already being treated for similar mental issues as well. I'm so conflicted but I know I have to come to a decision soon on if I should open up or not.

On top of that my anxiety is through the roof because I just got my letters for my mental and physical evaluations for disability within the next week. It was really tough for me to get to this point and accept I couldn't go on the way I was. I can finally move closer to my sister so she can help me take care of my mother and I can concentrate more on myself and trying to deal with my issues better. If I don't get this I literally have no idea what to do next. Well, I know what i'm going to do in that case, just whatever. So yea, this is a 3 valium a day week for me.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

Well, it's been a while since I lasted posted. Not much has changed, still living paycheck to paycheck, haven't found a new place to live and still feeling miserable about my job.

But I've finally broken completely away from my former roommate and his dillusions, and more importantly I made it through my first weekend completely sober. It was rough, what with my job being trying as always, my roommate having guests over everyday so I couldn't try to nap away the urge, and a day off on Monday. On Saturday I suffered from insomnia and regularly had nightmares the whole weekend, but I did it.

I'm gonna drink tonight, but I think I can avoid having two 40 ozs as a nightly ritual like it has been for around a month now.

Also, one of my coworkers is talking about me applying for a place that his dad works at. It'd be way harder than my current job, but I'll do pretty much anything to clear six hundred a week. Just gotta see if it's feasible for me to get there with public transport.

 

[LFG]

Man, I'm having intense withdrawal from my escitalopram.

I live abroad and only got six months with me, now I'm completely dry. Head is spinning, dizzy, balance is off.

i got the same thing for skipping three days. just totally forgot to take it. i'm on 20mg, what are you taking? and go to er or doc asap. withdrawals on this can last a very long time...months

 

[Megalosaro]

Hitting another "low".

It's been probably induced by stressed. Would had been fucked lately. All my favorite coworkers quit recently and I have no one to talk to.

I hate my job, and I hate my industry. All I do u is get budged at all day by ingrates. I take about 400 calls a day and am responsible for 1000 emails. More updating than that is that is an industry based around shifting blame. I hate that.

I'm always tired now. I never want to do anything once in home now. I am drained now and have no passion.

I am taking a cert course. Major project is due in 2 weeks. fuck that project.

I applied to grad school, but I probably won't get in. I only got 139 on the gre. They were looking for 150s.

It's confusing though, because it is to advance my career which I hate. Ic want now money, but I don't spend what I have.

It has gotten to the point where it actually hurts seeing other people happy. I can't even v see someone smile without beING sad. And I know that's fucked up. I was looking at a picture of me as a child and I get upset, because that kid was so happy abs full of potential and im not. I feel like I have let down my parents in this regard. They just want me to be happy, but I just don't know how to be.

When I told my best friend what I got on the gre, he was like "did you not study"?

Which is ducked up because I did. I'm just deficit

 

[Octavianus]

Got discharged from the hospital yesterday which was a lot faster than I was expecting, especially considering I'm in a lot of pain and I'm not allowed to move much at all.
My aunt who went through the same surgery a couple of years ago wasn't kidding when she said the recovery was going to be brutal. Shit.
I'm no stranger to physical pain but I honestly didn't think it was posssible for it to get this bad.

I don't remember anything from right before I went under but my dad said I acted like a complete nut and he seemed pretty embarrassed when I asked him to tell me what I did exactly. I hope it wasn't too bad...

On the upside: I'm on a lot of pain killers right now and it's doing wonders for my anxiety.

 

[Izuna]

The darndest thing happened. A job I ~missed~ the interview for a while back just texted me out the blue and offered graduate salary-like pay for waiting job. Me, with my self-sabotaging attitude mentioned how I may not be able to stay in work after 6 months if I decide to move etc. and I can still attend the interview.

I'd prefer to think its a sign. I may not take it due to "reasons", but if I can negotiate a way that takes my fatigue into account then its a winner. Fingers crossed.

Now I just need to stop my only laptop from going into a UEFI boot loop, which is scaring the freaking crap out of me.


EDIT: Time for me to step it the fuck up. Graduate next month, nail this stupidly high paying job, meet my BFF the month after and release my game. Anxiety can eat a big fat cheesy [redacted]


EDIT2: Holy hell my laptop came back to life and my adjustments for the job were made. I want to kiss life right now for the billionth chance.

 

[NegroNinja]

Hey guys, I've been meaning to say something in this thread for over a year now but haven't had the courage too. Given my current circumstances I feel the need to find comfort somewhere with someone and this seems like the best place right now. Sorry if it comes off as rambling or too long as I'm not in the best mind frame right now.

A little about myself, I'm 23 living in Baltimore City my entire life. Growing up I was sheltered by my parents because my older sister passed away shortly after being born. Elementary school was a blast for me. Hanging out with friends, going to camp, playing video games, life was good no complaints.My problems started when I graduated elementary school really.

I was chosen to go to a middle school in the hood despite my impressive grades and test scores. The reason being that the school needed a child like me to bring the test scores and grades up so it would look better overall. My parents were furious over it but I didn't really mind at the time. Little did I know this would be some of the worse years of my life. Constant bullying from being beaten, made fun of by peers and teachers, and just overall humiliation. I remember being attacked before school, robbed in the bathrooms, my food taken from me at lunch and having an entire auditorium laughing at my expense. I remember countless nights laying in bed crying wondering why God hated me and what I had done to deserve any of this.

I begged and pleaded my parents to somehow get me out of that place but it never came to fruition. By 7th grade I started to assimilate just to survive there. My grades started failing, I wasn't paying attention in school and my only friend there had moved out of state. By 8th grade I completely said "fuck it". I didn't care about anything grades, friends, or even living. All I cared about was going home to play video games my true friend to escape my horrible reality. My parents were no help as they had no idea how to relate to me besides yelling and screaming. I was never taught how to play sports or any other thing father and son do. I couldn't hang out with people from my neighborhood because they sheltered me so much. On the day of my graduation I was embarrassed in front of everyone on stage. My name was called and all you heard were boos and laughs. When it was all over I left immediately didn't say bye to anyone nor did I want to.

Fast forward to high school and it was the same thing all over again. I was known as the weird kid who never spoke. I would sit by myself at lunch and wouldn't take part in anything. Never went to sport events, dances, or anything. I even had a similar event happen to me where the entire cafeteria was laughing at me once again. Eventually, I started hanging out with people from my elementary school that I had met up with out of the blue. That's when I started smoking weed and getting into shit. Let's just say I've done a lot of reprehensible stuff that I don't really want to get into now and I deeply regret most of it. I had to stop hanging out with them which was for the best because I believe a couple are locked up right now. The one good thing out of all of this is I met my wife in 11th grade she was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I finally felt like I was human with her. She loved me despite having no friends, being a socially awkward recluse who smoked weed all day, and having little to no social experience. She listened to me, made me realize none of what happened to me was my fault and overall just really cared for me when I thought no one did. We eventually turned 20 and moved into an apartment together.

Life was amazing I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down. I have numerous memories and experiences with this woman that I never want to forget. However, at the beginning of 2015 it all started to go to shit once again. My wife was finishing up her bachelors degree but ended up getting laid off of work. With our rent increasing we decided we couldn't keep the apartment anymore especially since she couldn't find a job either. This caused a lot of strife between us and I lost count of how many times we almost broke up. We had decided in August we would move back in with our parents and work on leaving the state.

In June of 2015, after coming home from work I was kidnapped at gun point by 4 armed men in a stolen car. I was pistol whipped, had my shoes and phone taken, and was almost held for ransom but luckily the trunk wouldn't open up. I spiraled into a deep depression once again and fear permeated all over me. I was afraid of cars driving towards me, afraid of people and didn't want to go outside for a while. Not to mention when I called the police they joked about it and kept suggesting that I probably knew the people who did it. Oh and to make matters worse my entire family told people on Facebook about it making jokes at my expense but never ONCE called to see if I was ok.

The next month my wife was the victim of a craigslist scam where someone sent her a fake check of like $5000 for a tutoring job. Turns out the back knew it was fake and called the cops on her, luckily she had the emails and everything proving her innocence. This was a blow to her because it was her first real "job" since losing hers earlier in the year. She became heavily depressed and it took a lot for us to get over these things. Luckily we did and we moved back in with our parents in August.

Everything was fine for the most part. I was working she was working finally. We decided to get married on December 31st. We both felt like it was the right thing to do. We both loved each other and had been through so much and thought it was a good decision. But of course like everything else in my life that happiness was short lived.

A WEEK after being married, 7 whole days, bullshit started. My wife received a call from her mom who was hysterical. My mother in law and my grandmother both work at the same job coincidentally. She called about an outburst that my grandmother had when someone congratulated us on being married to her. She said things like "I don't approve of their marriage", "She's a whore", "She's a gold digger and my grandson took care of her while she went to school", "He deserves better", "That little bitch is worthless can't even keep a job", along with other vile things. The craziest part of all of this is that I don't even have a relationship with anyone in my family. I don't talk to any of my aunts or uncles or cousins. Not even my grandmother. That's because my mother excluded herself from her family along with my father from his because of familial issues they had that never got resolved. I can count on one hand how many times I've been around my entire family most of them I don't even know. I couldn't tell you any of their birthdays or personal things about them.

So of course I had to call my grandmother and get to the bottom of all of this. When I did she admitted to what she said and then started going off on me talking about "I'm stupid for going against family and marrying a whore". At that point I saw red. I cussed my grandmother out to no end. Called her a bitch, told her to drop dead,she will never hear from me like she already doesn't, and she can go eat a dick.

To make this shorter, basically that caused me to get into a huge argument with my parents. I found out my mother told my grandmother to do that in the first place. I stayed with my wife at her grandparents house for a month. I became a huge burden there because they didn't want me there which in turn made them out my wife out. I've been in like 5 major arguments with my parents to the point of my father jumping up trying to fight me while drunk and another time while sober. I tried to confide in my brother and all he did was push me to the side and acted like he didn't even care. Even after I let him stay at my place when I had one, and I even took out a $500 loan for him to pay his rent and he never paid me back a fucking dime!

My wife is moving in with her grandmother on her mothers side until first week in August at which point she's being put out again and has to figure out where she's going. I'm too broke and in debt to afford a place for us and she doesn't make enough money. My living situation is terrible, I get anxiety every time I walk through my parents door. I lost my job at the end of May due to absence from depression. I hope my unemployment doesn't get denied because of this. And to top it all off today my wife said she want a divorce.

I knew it was coming eventually but it hurts even more to actually go through it. She looked me in my eyes and said "I'm not in love with you anymore". I instantly broke down crying. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm too damn weird to make friends. I have no job, piles of debt from stupid ass decisions I've made from not knowing any better. I honestly just wish I would get shot when I go outside living in Baltimore because im too damn afraid to take my own life. Idk what to do and everyday I wake up afraid and I have nightmares now as well. I'm incredibly depressed and anxious and I think I might be a little schizophrenic but idk. Idk what to do.

Once again I'm sorry if this is too long and after a while I got to emotional writing this so if it's incoherent I apologize. If anyone has any questions I'll answer it's not like I have anyone else to talk to. I have been betrayed by my family, lost my job, no degree,I'm absolutely horrible with money so I'm broke, and now I'm losing my best friend my wife. I just want to crawl up and die in a corner somewhere. My life has been nothing but failure to this point.

 

[Dawg]

I've been on Zoloft again since may 12 (which is almost a month ago) and I still feel like it isn't helping me. And I'm on the highest dose, 200mg.

In fact, I feel like I'm at one of my worst points right now. There are so many obsessions. It's like I obsess over anything now. Which in turn makes me depressed. And both of these together can feel undefeatable.

And the funny thing is, if someone were to ask me right now to sum up my problems, I wouldn't even be able to answer. So many obsessions of mine are related to feelings and very specific thoughts. Things I can barely explain with words. Things that aren't logical.

I feel like I died five years ago. That's when I had my first taste of whatever I suffer from now. I used to be so carefree. Now I'm a shadow of my former self. A slave to doubt and anxiety.

Who knows. Maybe I'll feel better again next week. It wouldn't be the first time. But recently, whenever I feel down... I'm sinking much deeper than I used to. And when I feel better again, my peaks aren't as high as they used to be. I don't know if I want to continue like this. I stay around because I don't want to upset people and because there really isn't an easy way out. And yes, also because I still have hope. But not as much as I used to.

I fear that I will one day make a decision and that it will be the last one I'll ever make.

 

[User1608]

Great news ! Good luck to you moving forward.

Thank you!!!

Wha-aaat? I can't believe it! I'm so happy for you!

Thanks, and I wish you and your family well. You deserve the best.

Damn, you go girl! I'm so glad to hear that, good news is always welcome here, cause there's never enough.

Also identity issues I'm sure are welcome here. They cause a lot of people a lot of pain because of the confusion they cause within yourself for a while, and the way you are treated by society.

If you ever have something to post about, negative or positive, about being transgender or anything else, you're always welcome here, at least that's my opinnion : p

Thank you. I'm going to make sure I do my best from this point onwards.

 

[How About No]

Hey guys,

Holy fuck...I don't even know what to say, I'm sorry man

 

[AcridMeat]

Hi guys, apologies for never being around to give advice anymore. Probably not for the last couple years honestly. Just need a place to vent.

I have no idea what or why it's been brought on but I've been missing my mom so much more the last few months than I have in the last 15+ years. I'm just letting myself be sad to get through it but it's really strange.

I should talk to my sister.

 

[User 479360]

Hi guys, apologies for never being around to give advice anymore. Probably not for the last couple years honestly. Just need a place to vent.

I have no idea what or why it's been brought on but I've been missing my mom so much more the last few months than I have in the last 15+ years. I'm just letting myself be sad to get through it but it's really strange.

I should talk to my sister.

I know the feeling, unfortunately. It's only been two months for me, though.

 

[Xe4]

Hey guys, I've been meaning to say something in this thread for over a year now but haven't had the courage too. Given my current circumstances I feel the need to find comfort somewhere with someone and this seems like the best place right now. Sorry if it comes off as rambling or too long as I'm not in the best mind frame right now...

Damn dude, I'm so sorry. To be honest I've never experienced trouble to that magnitude but if you ever need to talk or chat or whatever feel free to PM me or whatever.

I can't say definitely it will get better, but if you hang in there, there's a good chance you will end up better off for it. The thought of the future, which I try my hardest to see as good, is basically what keeps me together in the present.
Stay strong : )

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Hey guys, I've been meaning to say something in this thread for over a year now but haven't had the courage too. Given my current circumstances I feel the need to find comfort somewhere with someone and this seems like the best place right now. Sorry if it comes off as rambling or too long as I'm not in the best mind frame right now.

A little about myself, I'm 23 living in Baltimore City my entire life. Growing up I was sheltered by my parents because my older sister passed away shortly after being born. Elementary school was a blast for me. Hanging out with friends, going to camp, playing video games, life was good no complaints.My problems started when I graduated elementary school really.

I was chosen to go to a middle school in the hood despite my impressive grades and test scores. The reason being that the school needed a child like me to bring the test scores and grades up so it would look better overall. My parents were furious over it but I didn't really mind at the time. Little did I know this would be some of the worse years of my life. Constant bullying from being beaten, made fun of by peers and teachers, and just overall humiliation. I remember being attacked before school, robbed in the bathrooms, my food taken from me at lunch and having an entire auditorium laughing at my expense. I remember countless nights laying in bed crying wondering why God hated me and what I had done to deserve any of this.

I begged and pleaded my parents to somehow get me out of that place but it never came to fruition. By 7th grade I started to assimilate just to survive there. My grades started failing, I wasn't paying attention in school and my only friend there had moved out of state. By 8th grade I completely said "fuck it". I didn't care about anything grades, friends, or even living. All I cared about was going home to play video games my true friend to escape my horrible reality. My parents were no help as they had no idea how to relate to me besides yelling and screaming. I was never taught how to play sports or any other thing father and son do. I couldn't hang out with people from my neighborhood because they sheltered me so much. On the day of my graduation I was embarrassed in front of everyone on stage. My name was called and all you heard were boos and laughs. When it was all over I left immediately didn't say bye to anyone nor did I want to.

Fast forward to high school and it was the same thing all over again. I was known as the weird kid who never spoke. I would sit by myself at lunch and wouldn't take part in anything. Never went to sport events, dances, or anything. I even had a similar event happen to me where the entire cafeteria was laughing at me once again. Eventually, I started hanging out with people from my elementary school that I had met up with out of the blue. That's when I started smoking weed and getting into shit. Let's just say I've done a lot of reprehensible stuff that I don't really want to get into now and I deeply regret most of it. I had to stop hanging out with them which was for the best because I believe a couple are locked up right now. The one good thing out of all of this is I met my wife in 11th grade she was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I finally felt like I was human with her. She loved me despite having no friends, being a socially awkward recluse who smoked weed all day, and having little to no social experience. She listened to me, made me realize none of what happened to me was my fault and overall just really cared for me when I thought no one did. We eventually turned 20 and moved into an apartment together.

Life was amazing I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down. I have numerous memories and experiences with this woman that I never want to forget. However, at the beginning of 2015 it all started to go to shit once again. My wife was finishing up her bachelors degree but ended up getting laid off of work. With our rent increasing we decided we couldn't keep the apartment anymore especially since she couldn't find a job either. This caused a lot of strife between us and I lost count of how many times we almost broke up. We had decided in August we would move back in with our parents and work on leaving the state.

In June of 2015, after coming home from work I was kidnapped at gun point by 4 armed men in a stolen car. I was pistol whipped, had my shoes and phone taken, and was almost held for ransom but luckily the trunk wouldn't open up. I spiraled into a deep depression once again and fear permeated all over me. I was afraid of cars driving towards me, afraid of people and didn't want to go outside for a while. Not to mention when I called the police they joked about it and kept suggesting that I probably knew the people who did it. Oh and to make matters worse my entire family told people on Facebook about it making jokes at my expense but never ONCE called to see if I was ok.

The next month my wife was the victim of a craigslist scam where someone sent her a fake check of like $5000 for a tutoring job. Turns out the back knew it was fake and called the cops on her, luckily she had the emails and everything proving her innocence. This was a blow to her because it was her first real "job" since losing hers earlier in the year. She became heavily depressed and it took a lot for us to get over these things. Luckily we did and we moved back in with our parents in August.

Everything was fine for the most part. I was working she was working finally. We decided to get married on December 31st. We both felt like it was the right thing to do. We both loved each other and had been through so much and thought it was a good decision. But of course like everything else in my life that happiness was short lived.

A WEEK after being married, 7 whole days, bullshit started. My wife received a call from her mom who was hysterical. My mother in law and my grandmother both work at the same job coincidentally. She called about an outburst that my grandmother had when someone congratulated us on being married to her. She said things like "I don't approve of their marriage", "She's a whore", "She's a gold digger and my grandson took care of her while she went to school", "He deserves better", "That little bitch is worthless can't even keep a job", along with other vile things. The craziest part of all of this is that I don't even have a relationship with anyone in my family. I don't talk to any of my aunts or uncles or cousins. Not even my grandmother. That's because my mother excluded herself from her family along with my father from his because of familial issues they had that never got resolved. I can count on one hand how many times I've been around my entire family most of them I don't even know. I couldn't tell you any of their birthdays or personal things about them.

So of course I had to call my grandmother and get to the bottom of all of this. When I did she admitted to what she said and then started going off on me talking about "I'm stupid for going against family and marrying a whore". At that point I saw red. I cussed my grandmother out to no end. Called her a bitch, told her to drop dead,she will never hear from me like she already doesn't, and she can go eat a dick.

To make this shorter, basically that caused me to get into a huge argument with my parents. I found out my mother told my grandmother to do that in the first place. I stayed with my wife at her grandparents house for a month. I became a huge burden there because they didn't want me there which in turn made them out my wife out. I've been in like 5 major arguments with my parents to the point of my father jumping up trying to fight me while drunk and another time while sober. I tried to confide in my brother and all he did was push me to the side and acted like he didn't even care. Even after I let him stay at my place when I had one, and I even took out a $500 loan for him to pay his rent and he never paid me back a fucking dime!

My wife is moving in with her grandmother on her mothers side until first week in August at which point she's being put out again and has to figure out where she's going. I'm too broke and in debt to afford a place for us and she doesn't make enough money. My living situation is terrible, I get anxiety every time I walk through my parents door. I lost my job at the end of May due to absence from depression. I hope my unemployment doesn't get denied because of this. And to top it all off today my wife said she want a divorce.

I knew it was coming eventually but it hurts even more to actually go through it. She looked me in my eyes and said "I'm not in love with you anymore". I instantly broke down crying. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm too damn weird to make friends. I have no job, piles of debt from stupid ass decisions I've made from not knowing any better. I honestly just wish I would get shot when I go outside living in Baltimore because im too damn afraid to take my own life. Idk what to do and everyday I wake up afraid and I have nightmares now as well. I'm incredibly depressed and anxious and I think I might be a little schizophrenic but idk. Idk what to do.

Once again I'm sorry if this is too long and after a while I got to emotional writing this so if it's incoherent I apologize. If anyone has any questions I'll answer it's not like I have anyone else to talk to. I have been betrayed by my family, lost my job, no degree,I'm absolutely horrible with money so I'm broke, and now I'm losing my best friend my wife. I just want to crawl up and die in a corner somewhere. My life has been nothing but failure to this point.

I really hope things get better, I've been in a similar position most of my life, and its horrible watching everything just burn down around you and you can do nothing about it.

Everyday is a struggle through that mess, and I won't lie and say it gets easier. It really doesn't, I can't begin to describe the anguish and sadness and anger I feel over my family's continued decline on a slowboat to hades, if Hades were the street and poverty.

I just want you to know, that as someone who has Aspergers it is hard to really be social, and often times I have to fake it to try to seem normal. I don't understand the world, I may get all the concepts and finer details but I still don't understand it. I don't really like or understand people, which comes from incessantly being bullied, beaten, and attacked all the way through school and occasionally in Adulthood as well.

I've survived two home invasions, almost being raped as a child, and numerous other things. My heart really goes out to you man, and I just wanted to tell you if you need to talk to someone PM me here.

 

[Rainy]

Finished my first year of medical school in Philly and now I'm back in California for summer. Might be traveling a bit next month too!

But now that I'm at home and not occupied 24/7 by school work...I'm so alone with my thoughts.

I just get really sad, not sure why. Maybe it's a mix of me feeling unattractive and just being an introvert. Sometimes it's really hard for me to approach people. This just turned into a long ramble of a post that I should probably delete...but whatever haha.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

i got the same thing for skipping three days. just totally forgot to take it. i'm on 20mg, what are you taking? and go to er or doc asap. withdrawals on this can last a very long time...months

The withdrawals are basically gone now. I've experienced them before and they last for tops one week.

It's all good now, got a girlfriend and had sex yesterday.

 

[Octavianus]

Hahaha, took me about 30 minutes just to get out of bed, downstairs and to my couch today. The pain is getting so bad... I don't know how long I'll be able to deal with this.
Like I've said; I'm no stranger to pain and if everything goes right this will eventually reduce the amount of pain i experience on a daily basis, but still, shit.

The weather is pretty nice out and my pet birds are being really sweet today but I can't help being absolutely miserable and angry at everything.
It's infuriating how pain can just suck the joy out of everything. I just want to disappear.

Sorry for the livejournal posts. I guess I just need to vent and no one is willing to listen... so.

 

[LFG]

The withdrawals are basically gone now. I've experienced them before and they last for tops one week.

It's all good now, got a girlfriend and had sex yesterday.

Awesome! I've read horror stories online and I'm afraid if I ever come off it, withdrawal would be forever.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Hahaha, took me about 30 minutes just to get out of bed, downstairs and to my couch today. The pain is getting so bad... I don't know how long I'll be able to deal with this.
Like I've said; I'm no stranger to pain and if everything goes right this will eventually reduce the amount of pain i experience on a daily basis, but still, shit.

The weather is pretty nice out and my pet birds are being really sweet today but I can't help being absolutely miserable and angry at everything.
It's infuriating how pain can just suck the joy out of everything. I just want to disappear.

Sorry for the livejournal posts. I guess I just need to vent and no one is willing to listen... so.

If you don't mind me asking what kind of problem do you have? I can relate to being in immense amounts of pain everyday because I have SRA(very rare form of RA) and Fibromyalgia. I'm in constant pain everyday and life is a constant challenge. It's been so bad lately I've had days where I just don't get out of bed at all unless I have to go to the bathroom.

 

[NegroNinja]

Holy fuck...I don't even know what to say, I'm sorry man

Damn dude, I'm so sorry. To be honest I've never experienced trouble to that magnitude but if you ever need to talk or chat or whatever feel free to PM me or whatever.

I can't say definitely it will get better, but if you hang in there, there's a good chance you will end up better off for it. The thought of the future, which I try my hardest to see as good, is basically what keeps me together in the present.
Stay strong : )

I really hope things get better, I've been in a similar position most of my life, and its horrible watching everything just burn down around you and you can do nothing about it.

Everyday is a struggle through that mess, and I won't lie and say it gets easier. It really doesn't, I can't begin to describe the anguish and sadness and anger I feel over my family's continued decline on a slowboat to hades, if Hades were the street and poverty.

I just want you to know, that as someone who has Aspergers it is hard to really be social, and often times I have to fake it to try to seem normal. I don't understand the world, I may get all the concepts and finer details but I still don't understand it. I don't really like or understand people, which comes from incessantly being bullied, beaten, and attacked all the way through school and occasionally in Adulthood as well.

I've survived two home invasions, almost being raped as a child, and numerous other things. My heart really goes out to you man, and I just wanted to tell you if you need to talk to someone PM me here.

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. I truly appreciate. You all are the only ones I've ever opened up about this so it feels good to have people extend help to me. As for right now I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I plan on going to the gym religiously soon to try and get in shape and eat better. I'm just gonna focus on myself for the time being until I'm better. It's so hard because I feel like I don't even know myself. I don't know any of my skills, hobbies besides video games. Any tips on how to discover yourself?

I also want to see a psychiatrist to determine whether or not I truly have a mental condition or not I just don't want to be put on a bunch of pills and they don't work or o get addicted to them. I really don't like taking medicine or pills. Also don't even know if I have the money to see anyone either.

 

[jb1234]

Just feel overwhelmed by a whole shitload of things right now. Anxiety is really high and my stomach feels like it's being eaten from the inside out. In some ways, my life has gotten better and in others, it's gotten worse. Or at least scarier.

 

[User 479360]

I hate how my life has turned out. I'm not even thirty and I don't have my Mom, the one person I cared about above anything else in this world, and whom I could confide in.

My friends all have lives, I don't. I don't sleep well, don't have energy and can't really work so I'm on disability. I hate having to defend myself over that and feel bad for being on it.

Nothing I've tried has helped.

People keep asking me what I want to do with my life and suggesting things, but I don't enjoy anything anymore and can't decide on anything. I have no passion. I already went to school, but it did me no good.

I hate how you're defined by what you do, how little disability is, how the cards have played out for me and the unknown as to whether I'll ever see her again. I just want to curl up and die.

I have to go somewhere for a few days, and because my flight is early in the morning and public transit doesn't run early enough, I have to sit in the airport overnight one night this weekend. What fun that will be. I don't trust myself to sleep in a hotel, or want to spend a hundred plus on one. Nobody will drive me, so this is my only option. I already hate flying.

 

[Xe4]

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. I truly appreciate. You all are the only ones I've ever opened up about this so it feels good to have people extend help to me. As for right now I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I plan on going to the gym religiously soon to try and get in shape and eat better. I'm just gonna focus on myself for the time being until I'm better. It's so hard because I feel like I don't even know myself. I don't know any of my skills, hobbies besides video games. Any tips on how to discover yourself?

I also want to see a psychiatrist to determine whether or not I truly have a mental condition or not I just don't want to be put on a bunch of pills and they don't work or o get addicted to them. I really don't like taking medicine or pills. Also don't even know if I have the money to see anyone either.

Yeah when I first started to get very depressed I didn't want to take pills either. I'm not a psychiatrist so take whatever I suggest with a grain of salt, but while some antidepressants are addictive and will sick to get off, and while some have effects on weight gain and libido, others do not.

In particular I'm on Bupropion, better known by the brand name Wellbutrin. Honestly if you're looking for an antidepressant that works well with very few side effects (possible dry mouth and a very, very, very, small chance of seizures), it's very good. It doesn't work for everyone but it helped me a lot and it doesn't even feel like I'm on medication.

Of course your psychiatrist knows best though and you should absolutely go with what he says above my suggestion. However being of medication isn't as scary as it seems.

As for cost it depends on your insurance and a whole slew of other factors. I get my medication for a $5 copay which is very nice.

 

[User 479360]

I should probably start taking my Prozac again. I'm flying, though, in two days, and don't really want to be stopped while they check out my prescription for fear of smuggling which I'd never do.

I don't know how that works.

No pill is going to cure me or the rut I'm in, or the shit show my life is.

 

[Banglish]

Anyone know of a free e-counselling website?

 

[Octavianus]

If you don't mind me asking what kind of problem do you have? I can relate to being in immense amounts of pain everyday because I have SRA(very rare form of RA) and Fibromyalgia. I'm in constant pain everyday and life is a constant challenge. It's been so bad lately I've had days where I just don't get out of bed at all unless I have to go to the bathroom.

Sure, I don't mind. I have severe scoliosis (55 degrees) and some other stuff too... but my upper body has always been the worst of it.
Anyway, I've had surgery reccomended for it a couple of times throughout the years but I never went through with it because frankly, surgery scares the crap out of me.
A while ago I decided I no longer wanted to put up with it and now here I am.
The recovery time should take about three months and I have a pretty bitchin new scar.
Maybe I'll get a tattoo of a zipper along the cut.

I know how you feel. I have pets these days so I pretty much have to get out of bed every day, but I used to stay in bed a lot back when I had zero responsibilities.
The worst part is when people just don't understand what you're going through and don't want to either.
A couple of years ago when my dad was moving homes one of his friends actually got mad at me when I wasn't helping out much and when I explained why he responded with something along the lines of "yeah well sometimes my back hurts too and I just put up with it and so should you. You're young so it can't be too bad lol".
I seriously wanted to kill him there and then.

A lot of people give the same kind of response when you tell them you're depressed. Instead of maybe assuming you're not bullshiting them and trying to emphasise they'll respond with something along the lines of "Yeah sometimes I feel bad too" or "shucks, get over it brah".
That shit gets me so mad.

Eddit: Oh, recovery time is anywhere between 3 to 12 months apparently. Not sure how I got that confused.
With my luck it's probably going to be closer to 12. Fuck.

 

[NegroNinja]

Yeah when I first started to get very depressed I didn't want to take pills either. I'm not a psychiatrist so take whatever I suggest with a grain of salt, but whiLe some antidepressants are addictive and will sick to get off, and while some have effects on weight gain and libido, others do not.

In particular I'm on Bupropion, better known by the brand name Wellbutrin. Honestly if you're looking for an antidepressant that works well with very few side effects (possible dry mouth and a very, very, very, small chance of seizures), it's very good. It doesn't work for everyone but it helped me a lot and it doesn't even feel like I'm on medication.

Of course your psychiatrist knows best though and you should absolutely go with what he says above my suggestion. However being of medication isn't as scary as it seems.

As for cost it depends on your insurance and a whole slew of other factors. I get my medication for a $5 copay which is very nice.

Thanks for the response. I'm leaning more towards taking pills just to see if it eventually helps me. I can't keep living day to day with this constant fear. I just don't even know how to go about seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. I lost my job so idk if you can see one without insurance and money is definitely an issue for me right now.

I wish I could get rid of this social awkwardness and anxiety towards other people today. I hate not being able to talk to people because I always think they will say something hurtful or just ignore me altogether. I end up just being the quiet guy who no one knows. I wish I could go to events by myself and meet people but I'm too afraid. I really have a fear that starts as soon as I wake up and eventually permeates my entire body to the point where I know I look out of it. I don't know what to do and I feel like I have no hope or a future at the moment. I wish I had a friend to help me through this. Or a family that cared.

 

[Metroxed]

For a time now I have been suffering of intrusive, self-deprecating thoughts. Anyone else have this problem?

I have very bad self-image and self-confidence issues, and now I'm basically putting myself down and undervaluating myself constantly. It is really wearing me down. I've been trying to be more positive but I always end up thinking how shit I am in comparison to others. Worse looking, less confident, worse in general. My almost complete lack of social relationships does not help.

 

[Izuna]

big fat nvm

 

[Izayoi]

I should probably start taking my Prozac again. I'm flying, though, in two days, and don't really want to be stopped while they check out my prescription for fear of smuggling which I'd never do.

I don't know how that works.

No pill is going to cure me or the rut I'm in, or the shit show my life is.

Prozac is NOT a controlled substance. As long as it is in the bottle with your prescription information on it, you will be fine. Even if you were taking a controlled substance, as long as you can show that it was prescribed to you, you will not be hassled.

Please don't stop your meds cold turkey, especially if you have been taking them for a long time. There can be significant problems with suddenly discontinuing any kind of antidepressant/antianxiety medication.

 

[User 479360]

Prozac is NOT a controlled substance. As long as it is in the bottle with your prescription information on it, you will be fine. Even if you were taking a controlled substance, as long as you can show that it was prescribed to you, you will not be hassled.

Please don't stop your meds cold turkey, especially if you have been taking them for a long time. There can be significant problems with suddenly discontinuing any kind of antidepressant/antianxiety medication.

No, I know it's not. I just don't want to have my bags searched if they see the prescription bottle inside.

I can survive without it, so I think I'll wait until I get home to take it.

Note: I was prescribed the pills a few months ago. I started taking them, then forgot after the 2nd or 3rd day. I've been meaning to start taking them again, but haven't.

Thanks for the reply/care.

My friend offered to take me to the airport, which is nice since it's early. Saves the public transportation headache. I found a bus I could take at 4:40am, but I'd have a connection. I don't know what I'll do on the way back since I won't get in until about 2am. I'll probably have to wait for the shuttle to start up at 5:30am.

 

[Desi]

Had my first "Thought Loop" last night and it was the absolute worst. Went into work and only stayed for an hour and a half as I just felt a strong sense of vertigo and panic.

 

[Izuna]

.

 

[Dawg]

I don't even know who I am anymore.

It's been a little over five years since I started suffering from what would later be known to me as OCD. I'm still not sure OCD completely fits what I suffer from, but maybe that's just the usual doubt talking to me. Anyway, even in the early stages of the illness, I always felt like I wanted to die. I couldn't imagine living with the thoughts I had back then. I was a completely different person. I've always been a perfectionist with a few obsessions here and there but they never really affected my mood or day to day life.

The funny thing is, if I compare my current situation to the early stages of it all, I actually didn't have that many different thoughts back in 2011. Sure, they were bad. But they were limited to one or two big ones. That number has multiplied over the years and even the very nature of the thoughts has changed. They're much more related to hygiene and my own body now. It's like I am hyper aware of certains feelings and parts of my body. It's unlike any OCD I've ever read about. Feelings we take for granted can become obsessions for me. And this goes far. It creates doubt. It creates depression. It creates anxiety. A dangerous combination.

I just feel different. Like I can't live life the way I want to anymore. And as time goes on, I ask myself: do I even want to continue anymore? All the things I used to enjoy now have obsessions related to them. And no matter how much I keep telling myself it's all in my head... I can't do it. I simply can't. I've tried accepting my thoughts. I've tried to expose myself to my obsessions. But it never helps.

If I had to explain how I look at my own life right now, I'd say that I want to die. What I am feeling is something I wouldn't even wish to my worst enemy. I no longer appreciate the beauty of life. And saying this makes me sad, because I'd like to live. But not like this. I know it is in our nature to remain hopeful to the end. There have been many times long before I ever consulted a psychiatrist and medication where I would pull myself up through sheer will. Hope was all I needed to carry on. But I seemed to have lost that fighting spirit.

I... know people will tell me to keep fighting. I know that what I am feeling and thinking is just part of my illness. I know that. Fuck. I mean... one of my most recent obsessions was me becoming aware of the feeling of my feet against the back of my shoes. I noticed it was looser on my right shoe. I could almost push the heel of that foot of the shoe. This resulted in me moving my heels around more while walking, just to feel if it isn't too loose. But it isn't even the feeling. It is the very thought. It's just so random. So stupid. It doesn't make any sense. Yet for that exact same reason it becomes an obsession. Because I became aware of it. And I know that even if my shoes are fine (which they probably are) the obsession will keep feeding me doubt. Did I put them on right? Why am I feeling this now and didn't feel it before? I'm just imagining it, aren't I? But then why can't I stop thinking about it? I'll just ignore it. But then how did I become aware of it in the first place? Maybe everyone feels the back of their foot against their shoe? Maybe they're just not aware of it. But wait, this shouldn't scare me. Why am I even thinking about it? Let me just walk further. See, it just feels normal. Or does it? Isn't my left foot tighter? Ugh, why am I even bothering with this? I should just avoid the thought... But avoiding it will make the obsession even worse... et cetera... this is the thought pattern for so many of my obsessions.

It's like I don't really want to die, it's more that I... want to destroy my thoughts. My obsessions. My brains. I want to destroy the source of it all. Because I don't see myself beating it.