Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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Thanks for responding. Yeah I think I should see a therapist. Things are getting worse if anything.
User 479360
Banned
I don't know why I always do dumb things when I'm bored and embarrass myself at family events. Last night, I jokingly scared my sister, but she bumped into a wine glass (which I saw at the last minute) and spilled it.
Now I can't stop feeling like an idiot.
Today, I woke up at 5:00am and just feel lost in general. I don't know what I want to do, what will make me happy, where to go or what to do with myself period. I wanted to go shopping and buy something moderate to try to make myself happy, but I know that won't work and is just the weird shopping addiction I've developed.
I pine for attention from the opposite sex, but never get it.
Now I can't stop feeling like an idiot.
Today, I woke up at 5:00am and just feel lost in general. I don't know what I want to do, what will make me happy, where to go or what to do with myself period. I wanted to go shopping and buy something moderate to try to make myself happy, but I know that won't work and is just the weird shopping addiction I've developed.
I pine for attention from the opposite sex, but never get it.
Stereogatari
Banned
Yes I think I have this. Last 2 weeks my brain/head feel constantly aroused (not in the sexual sense).
It used to be only at work I'd feel that way, the boss is a micromanager/bully/obsessive type. The kind of boss that phones the office at least 50 times a day if he's not there. On top of that we are understaffed, the amount of emails/phone calls to deal with is higher than is actually possible but the management behave like it is possible.
But it used to be I'd come home and everything would be great and I'd forget that place existed.
But inevitably that kind of work environment has fucked my head and now I feel the arousal state 24/7.
On top of all this I want out of this shit job where the curtains hiding the capitalism are thin. It's an office job, but the way it's ran I feel like a factory worker being squeezed like an orange. Fuck this shit. I hate logistics. I want to go back to study and follow my intellectual dreams.
So what mental health thing do I have? Just stress? Or is it depression? I feel constant feeling of dread in my stomach and chest too.
It used to be only at work I'd feel that way, the boss is a micromanager/bully/obsessive type. The kind of boss that phones the office at least 50 times a day if he's not there. On top of that we are understaffed, the amount of emails/phone calls to deal with is higher than is actually possible but the management behave like it is possible.
But it used to be I'd come home and everything would be great and I'd forget that place existed.
But inevitably that kind of work environment has fucked my head and now I feel the arousal state 24/7.
On top of all this I want out of this shit job where the curtains hiding the capitalism are thin. It's an office job, but the way it's ran I feel like a factory worker being squeezed like an orange. Fuck this shit. I hate logistics. I want to go back to study and follow my intellectual dreams.
So what mental health thing do I have? Just stress? Or is it depression? I feel constant feeling of dread in my stomach and chest too.
Baldwin_the_First
Member
I'd say occupational/job burnout. Stress can fuck you up.
Some semi-exciting news in Kipp-world.
Well, I guess I have to preface the exciting news with bad news to be able to explain why it's exciting news...
So my general manager at my current job is just awful. She didn't train me at all, but she criticizes me harshly for every small mistake I make and fails to encourage me at all for all of the things I do right. It's really been getting to me and it's making me feel completely useless and incompetent at my job, when in reality I know that's not the case. Even when she's not working during my shift, that feeling of incompetence and uselessness still lingers. It is a wholly unhealthy work environment for me. It would be terrible for anyone, but especially since I am a person suffering from depression who already has self-hatred issues, I am utterly vulnerable. I've already cried for extended periods of time in front of her two or three times. Long story short, it simply will not work as a long term job. And that's a terrible shame, because besides the general manager, the job is great and the people are great. And the pay is quite good and the benefits are excellent (FIVE weeks of paid time off. FIVE. That's unheard of in the United States.)
So anyways, with that preface out of the way...
I've been very interested in non-profit jobs for a long time. One of the most noticeable reasons for my depression is that I feel like my life doesn't really have any purpose. Working retail certainly doesn't help in that aspect, but I feel like if I was working a job that actually helped people, it would help resolve that issue. Plus I would presumably really enjoy a job where I was helping people and where I was interacting with people as the main part of the job.
So anyways, this weekend, I applied to a couple jobs working at non-profit living facilities for boys from troubled homes. They both seemed like jobs that I would find incredibly fulfilling and also feel I'd be quite good at. One of them pays less than I'd like and would be a minor struggle, but the other pays quite well and has great benefits and I would be completely excited to get that job. Anyways, I applied on the weekend, and this morning before 10am, the first hour that offices were open after the weekend, I got a call from not one, but BOTH of the non-profit job I applied for! Both showed a lot of interest and set up interviews.
I'm so excited. I really feel like this could be a huge turning point in my life.
And looking at it from the perspective of "everything happens for a reason," I would've stayed at my retail job for a long time if I didn't have the issues I'm having with my general manager, and I'd be very complacent, finding the job to be just fine (though not fulfilling in any meaningful way) and being very happy with the pay and benefits. However, since I'm sort of being forced to look for other opportunities, I'm forced out of the complacency to look for jobs that I may actually be fully satisfied with.
As awful as things are going for me right now, the future holds great hope for me.
Well, I guess I have to preface the exciting news with bad news to be able to explain why it's exciting news...
So my general manager at my current job is just awful. She didn't train me at all, but she criticizes me harshly for every small mistake I make and fails to encourage me at all for all of the things I do right. It's really been getting to me and it's making me feel completely useless and incompetent at my job, when in reality I know that's not the case. Even when she's not working during my shift, that feeling of incompetence and uselessness still lingers. It is a wholly unhealthy work environment for me. It would be terrible for anyone, but especially since I am a person suffering from depression who already has self-hatred issues, I am utterly vulnerable. I've already cried for extended periods of time in front of her two or three times. Long story short, it simply will not work as a long term job. And that's a terrible shame, because besides the general manager, the job is great and the people are great. And the pay is quite good and the benefits are excellent (FIVE weeks of paid time off. FIVE. That's unheard of in the United States.)
So anyways, with that preface out of the way...
I've been very interested in non-profit jobs for a long time. One of the most noticeable reasons for my depression is that I feel like my life doesn't really have any purpose. Working retail certainly doesn't help in that aspect, but I feel like if I was working a job that actually helped people, it would help resolve that issue. Plus I would presumably really enjoy a job where I was helping people and where I was interacting with people as the main part of the job.
So anyways, this weekend, I applied to a couple jobs working at non-profit living facilities for boys from troubled homes. They both seemed like jobs that I would find incredibly fulfilling and also feel I'd be quite good at. One of them pays less than I'd like and would be a minor struggle, but the other pays quite well and has great benefits and I would be completely excited to get that job. Anyways, I applied on the weekend, and this morning before 10am, the first hour that offices were open after the weekend, I got a call from not one, but BOTH of the non-profit job I applied for! Both showed a lot of interest and set up interviews.
I'm so excited. I really feel like this could be a huge turning point in my life.
And looking at it from the perspective of "everything happens for a reason," I would've stayed at my retail job for a long time if I didn't have the issues I'm having with my general manager, and I'd be very complacent, finding the job to be just fine (though not fulfilling in any meaningful way) and being very happy with the pay and benefits. However, since I'm sort of being forced to look for other opportunities, I'm forced out of the complacency to look for jobs that I may actually be fully satisfied with.
As awful as things are going for me right now, the future holds great hope for me.
Just coming in here to rant, I suppose. Get things off of my chest.
The last 2 weeks have been pretty horrible. Maybe 3 weeks now? I was having near-constant panic attacks and started a spiral I didn't notice until I hurt someone I cared about. Not physically, mind you. So I go to the doctor and get my dose of lamotrigine increased--I'd been responding well up until a wall of stress hit me, so we figured more could be better.
It's been less than a week and I hurt that same person again. During a manic episode I hit another panic attack and latched onto the nearest thing to blame. I've since recognized that, yes, the person that I blamed it on is someone I should work to get away from... But the fact of the matter is that my two volatile moments really, truly hurt someone's trust in me.
So now they aren't speaking to me. We talked things out on Saturday, but I've not heard a peep from them since then. It sounded like things were good; We'd reached a consensus that I still need to get used to being "ill" and that it wouldn't ever go away. I needed to schedule an emergency therapist appointment (which I did and went to) and in general get better at handling my panic attacks. But things still sounded good.
Being ignored hurts, and it's a pretty blatant sort of ignoring. I know people need time to heal--but I do wish I'd get something?
I was going to move in with the person by the beginning of August, but now I'm not so sure. We've had a rocky few months; What with us both getting medicated and adjusted to it, and then general volatility from both ends.
Maybe the move is a bad idea in general. I dunno. For now I'm letting them do their thing and waiting to see if they come to me to talk. If not? Well, silence is it's own answer I suppose.
In better news, I spoke to my therapist and got a better idea of how to cope with my anxiety. I shouldn't act when I want to, and instead write down every little thought I'm having. We're calling it, "Get the evil out," in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way. It's helping me dump my mind onto a page, saying things that I'd never say aloud. It's giving me an outlet, which is helping me a lot.
I've been in this thread a lot over the past two years--and I thank everyone that responds and gives insight. We're all in this together, and it's a neverending struggle, but that just makes us stronger when we do overcome. Which we will, and always do.
The last 2 weeks have been pretty horrible. Maybe 3 weeks now? I was having near-constant panic attacks and started a spiral I didn't notice until I hurt someone I cared about. Not physically, mind you. So I go to the doctor and get my dose of lamotrigine increased--I'd been responding well up until a wall of stress hit me, so we figured more could be better.
It's been less than a week and I hurt that same person again. During a manic episode I hit another panic attack and latched onto the nearest thing to blame. I've since recognized that, yes, the person that I blamed it on is someone I should work to get away from... But the fact of the matter is that my two volatile moments really, truly hurt someone's trust in me.
So now they aren't speaking to me. We talked things out on Saturday, but I've not heard a peep from them since then. It sounded like things were good; We'd reached a consensus that I still need to get used to being "ill" and that it wouldn't ever go away. I needed to schedule an emergency therapist appointment (which I did and went to) and in general get better at handling my panic attacks. But things still sounded good.
Being ignored hurts, and it's a pretty blatant sort of ignoring. I know people need time to heal--but I do wish I'd get something?
I was going to move in with the person by the beginning of August, but now I'm not so sure. We've had a rocky few months; What with us both getting medicated and adjusted to it, and then general volatility from both ends.
Maybe the move is a bad idea in general. I dunno. For now I'm letting them do their thing and waiting to see if they come to me to talk. If not? Well, silence is it's own answer I suppose.
In better news, I spoke to my therapist and got a better idea of how to cope with my anxiety. I shouldn't act when I want to, and instead write down every little thought I'm having. We're calling it, "Get the evil out," in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way. It's helping me dump my mind onto a page, saying things that I'd never say aloud. It's giving me an outlet, which is helping me a lot.
I've been in this thread a lot over the past two years--and I thank everyone that responds and gives insight. We're all in this together, and it's a neverending struggle, but that just makes us stronger when we do overcome. Which we will, and always do.
Sylas--Sometimes when you get in a fight with a friend or loved one their just needs to be a cooling off period. Just let them be mad for a little bit and it will probably be ok in time.
Lately my anxiety is doing the thing where it's trying to insist that everything is wrong for no reason. The worst.
Lately my anxiety is doing the thing where it's trying to insist that everything is wrong for no reason. The worst.
Yeah, I'm just waiting to see. Still sucks. It makes me feel like a teenager again, which is a really weird thing to think about. I got so used to pushing people away the moment I was inconvenienced that I'm struggling to stay afloat when I'm not doing well at all. Granted, I didn't have a name for what was wrong with me until recently, so that helps me push forward. I'm not just an asshole or a sociopath; It is, occasionally, my illness winning because I didn't know how to handle it.
I'm sorry about your anxiety. What do you normally do to get those feelings out, or do you tend to wait them out?
Hey Kipp, I'm very happy to hear of your new opportunities. Best of luck, I hope you get one of the positions!
I know how you feel, and that person might be mad still--BUT sometimes you have got to give people time to be mad. As long as you have talked it out and resolved it best you could then that's all you can do for now.
I've have anxiety for about 4 years now, it's gotten to the point where I can usually tell when something is actually wrong and when it's just my anxiety. It accentuates the negatives, and heavily downplays the positives. It's hard to not reach out to friends and get reassurance sometimes though.
I have a really bad problem with getting over past relationships. It feels like it's impossible for me to move on until I actually, you know, move on, and even then there's a pretty large grace period where I'm still thinking about my last SO.
It's crappy because on one hand, I don't feel like I should be seeing someone while I'm still consistently thinking about another person, like it's some kind of rebound or I'm not fully committed to that new date, but on the other hand, I've never in my life been able to get over a relationship otherwise, even spending years unhealthily stewing over a prior relationship. I've just never had that skill or my brain won't seem to let me move on.
I'm bringing this up now because I've been unhealthily hung up on my last SO for just over a year now, and I recently found out they had a child a month ago. This sent me spiraling out of control and all I can think about now is what I could have done to save that relationship. Seeing how much it's negatively effected me (usual anxiety symptoms such as nausea and trouble sleeping), I'm determined to find something more substantial, but that brings me right back to the top of this post.
I feel like I'm damned if I do (move on), and even more damned if I don't (move on).
STEALH EDIT: I should note that I'm fully aware of the importance of not getting hung up on someone, and that once a relationship is over, you should let it be and part ways. As much as I'd love to live like that (like a normal functioning person), again, I've never been able to just move on. Perhaps I'm dealing with some kind of abandonment issue, I'm not really sure.
EDIT: I guess my question should be this. What's your opinion on trying to start a new relationship while still thinking about your last SO on a daily basis? Is it scummy, even if your intentions are good?
It's crappy because on one hand, I don't feel like I should be seeing someone while I'm still consistently thinking about another person, like it's some kind of rebound or I'm not fully committed to that new date, but on the other hand, I've never in my life been able to get over a relationship otherwise, even spending years unhealthily stewing over a prior relationship. I've just never had that skill or my brain won't seem to let me move on.
I'm bringing this up now because I've been unhealthily hung up on my last SO for just over a year now, and I recently found out they had a child a month ago. This sent me spiraling out of control and all I can think about now is what I could have done to save that relationship. Seeing how much it's negatively effected me (usual anxiety symptoms such as nausea and trouble sleeping), I'm determined to find something more substantial, but that brings me right back to the top of this post.
I feel like I'm damned if I do (move on), and even more damned if I don't (move on).
STEALH EDIT: I should note that I'm fully aware of the importance of not getting hung up on someone, and that once a relationship is over, you should let it be and part ways. As much as I'd love to live like that (like a normal functioning person), again, I've never been able to just move on. Perhaps I'm dealing with some kind of abandonment issue, I'm not really sure.
EDIT: I guess my question should be this. What's your opinion on trying to start a new relationship while still thinking about your last SO on a daily basis? Is it scummy, even if your intentions are good?
I too am terrible at moving on. You'll think about your ex until you fall for someone else, that's how it works for me anyway. It can feel a little hollow sometimes if you're not reciprocating fully but if you think there could eventually be something there then go for it. It's not scummy, unless like you talk about your ex to them haha.
Octavianus
Banned
I'm feeling suprisingly ok, mostly.
Back pains are a lot better but still worse than they were pre-surgery and I've decided I'm going to stop worrying about being a recluse.
That last bit deserves an explaination I guess... I mean, I've never been really comfortable with (most) social contact but I've been taught to think that it's something I should fix, like it's somehow not ok to not be uncomfortable with it because wanting to be with people is what's expected. I should want to be a part of society right?
Well, fuck all of that. I've decided that it's time to stop it with that shit: I like being by myself and I dislike being around people and that's ok.
I feel crippled with anxiety and pain to my stomach whenever I set one foot outside of my house and I see no reason why I'd want to actively seek that out.
I'm fine with seeing my dad once a week and my sister once every blue moon, but that's enough. I don't need other people in my life and I don't want the ones already in my life to be there more frequently either.
I'd actually like to go outside and see people even less often.
Also, I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with my body and my overall apearence again. One of the advantages of being alone is that I'm a lot less critical of my apearence when I haven't seen anyone for a couple of days to the point where it hardly matters at all.
I still don't really like the way I look and I still don't feel like it's 'me' when I look in the mirror because I simply don't identify with what I see, but it's not something I constantlythink about when I'm by myself.
Back pains are a lot better but still worse than they were pre-surgery and I've decided I'm going to stop worrying about being a recluse.
That last bit deserves an explaination I guess... I mean, I've never been really comfortable with (most) social contact but I've been taught to think that it's something I should fix, like it's somehow not ok to not be uncomfortable with it because wanting to be with people is what's expected. I should want to be a part of society right?
Well, fuck all of that. I've decided that it's time to stop it with that shit: I like being by myself and I dislike being around people and that's ok.
I feel crippled with anxiety and pain to my stomach whenever I set one foot outside of my house and I see no reason why I'd want to actively seek that out.
I'm fine with seeing my dad once a week and my sister once every blue moon, but that's enough. I don't need other people in my life and I don't want the ones already in my life to be there more frequently either.
I'd actually like to go outside and see people even less often.
Also, I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with my body and my overall apearence again. One of the advantages of being alone is that I'm a lot less critical of my apearence when I haven't seen anyone for a couple of days to the point where it hardly matters at all.
I still don't really like the way I look and I still don't feel like it's 'me' when I look in the mirror because I simply don't identify with what I see, but it's not something I constantlythink about when I'm by myself.
IceDoesntHelp
Banned
I just turned 24....I don't think I can go another year with so much unhappiness/depression (not sure if unhappiness is even a word) in my life.
I'm always miserable, and I'm not getting anywhere in life, or at the very least not where I want to be.
I purposely under eat, I've cut out breakfast and dinner out of my life, cause I don't know.
Been getting a lot of stabbing pains in my chest and lower abdomen, not sure I should be happy about those pains or not...
I want to die, but I'm also scared of it.
I just want to go away. I want to be forgotten. I don't want to be a burden any longer.
I'm always miserable, and I'm not getting anywhere in life, or at the very least not where I want to be.
I purposely under eat, I've cut out breakfast and dinner out of my life, cause I don't know.
Been getting a lot of stabbing pains in my chest and lower abdomen, not sure I should be happy about those pains or not...
I want to die, but I'm also scared of it.
I just want to go away. I want to be forgotten. I don't want to be a burden any longer.
tearsofash
Member
Nothing feels real. I feel like I don't exist half the time. I think about suicide every day, but I never have a plan. I'm just plagued with thoughts of dying. Sometimes I reach out for help, but get told I'm just "seeking attention" and it makes me feel even worse. I go through a lot of depersonalization and derealization like I mentioned before, so maybe I am looking for some sort of validation. Is that so wrong?
I've lost interest in almost everything. I can hardly pay attention to what's going on and can barely play the video games I have. I'm on FFXIV right now, and I can never remember my rotation or how to do things and it's really embarrassing.
I either feel nothing all the time, or I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I don't think I can be happy.
I am terribly socially awkward and I can't pick up on social cues. When people ask me a direct question my mind blacks out and I spew word salad onto people. It gets me into a lot of trouble sometimes and it upsets people.
I don't have a very good social support network because I keep burning bridges or people think I hate them. I have a lot of "friends." Like, I whole lot, but none of them really want to get that close to me because they know how volatile I am.
I'm also scared of myself. I have a history of violence in the past. I've been abusive. I haven't been abusive in several years, but I feel like I'm afraid to do anything given how easy it was for me to blackout and be violent.
I need help, but the place I'm getting it from doesn't seem to take me seriously. I've heard the other free clinic in town isn't any better. I have a therapy appointment on the 26th and I'm not sure what to even talk about...
All they ever ask me about is "How's your mood." Which I always tell them is OK, because I'm not feeling angry all the time like I used to so it's better than bad.
I've lost interest in almost everything. I can hardly pay attention to what's going on and can barely play the video games I have. I'm on FFXIV right now, and I can never remember my rotation or how to do things and it's really embarrassing.
I either feel nothing all the time, or I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I don't think I can be happy.
I am terribly socially awkward and I can't pick up on social cues. When people ask me a direct question my mind blacks out and I spew word salad onto people. It gets me into a lot of trouble sometimes and it upsets people.
I don't have a very good social support network because I keep burning bridges or people think I hate them. I have a lot of "friends." Like, I whole lot, but none of them really want to get that close to me because they know how volatile I am.
I'm also scared of myself. I have a history of violence in the past. I've been abusive. I haven't been abusive in several years, but I feel like I'm afraid to do anything given how easy it was for me to blackout and be violent.
I need help, but the place I'm getting it from doesn't seem to take me seriously. I've heard the other free clinic in town isn't any better. I have a therapy appointment on the 26th and I'm not sure what to even talk about...
All they ever ask me about is "How's your mood." Which I always tell them is OK, because I'm not feeling angry all the time like I used to so it's better than bad.
User 479360
Banned
The guy I've written for told me that he generally favours another writer who recently joined, because of his style. He said not to take it personally, and that I'm a good writer, it's just that everyone has their own preferences.
I took that far too personally, and it's been eating away at me for days. I keep thinking about it.
I took that far too personally, and it's been eating away at me for days. I keep thinking about it.
melonrabbit
Member
I've been there. Trust me, I have been there many times and felt so empty and undeserving. And, while I can't provide much at least know that I'm thinking of you and I care. I think it is hard to see ourselves other than what we are now and these emotions (or lack of) have a tendency to give the impression that this state is all we can ever be. I guess a part of me has to believe there is more than this pain. I believe that for you also. I hope you are able to find that connection you're seekikg with someone or something soon.
If you ever wanted to PM me and talk about whatever, I'd be happy to hear from you.
I tried Saint John's wort for the first time. It wasn't recommended or anything, I just wanted to try it. I probably should talk to my doctor about it, though. Anyway, I can't say I feel that it helps, at least not after this one use. I feel worse now then when I took it four hours ago.
If it works, it's going to take a while to build up in your system.
I need to vent about a friend going through her 4th manic episode in 6 years, maybe get some advice, but really just need to vent, sense the person I normally vent to is the person I'm venting about.
My room mate and best friend, a single mother who is normally very capable and responsible, stopped taking her medication and now she's manic. She was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago, she's supposed to take Zyprexa. She's also taking Adderall to treat her hypersonmia. Apparently she stopped taking the Zyprexa a couple months ago and kept taking the Adderall. Pretty frustrated that she stopped, as she knows taking the Adderall with out anything to counter it is what sent her to mania the last 3 times.
It's so hard to see her in the state. She's normally such a great mom, but when this happens all the structure she's built into her son's life is destroyed. She's spending all her money, running up her credit cards, and quit her job. I'm planning on paying rent on my own. She made up a story about her being a nanny for a friend, didn't buy it for a second.
I actually managed to get her into the ER for psych eval fairly early, before much damage was done, but they let her out after 48 hours, saying there wasn't enough to hold her against her will. When she got out she was a little loopy, but doing much better than before the ER. She was willing to restart her medication minus the Adderall and she was good for a couple days. Then she started smoking marijuana, I've seen her smoke MJ a bunch of times, but this time it changed her immediately. I asked her to stop smoking for a while but she refused. Couple days later she stopped taking her meds again.
I got her son over to his grandma's and he's staying there now. No one has heard from my friend for past 24 hours, no idea where she is and her phone is off/dead. I'm pretty worried about her, but at the same time it's been nice not having her in the house. When she gets into these episodes, I become her enemy because I'm telling her she needs help, so we don't get along well. Her son was pretty young during her first episodes, but he does remember the last because she missed Christmas and he knows it's happening again. I feel horrible for him, but thankfully his mom's parenting was solid while she was sane, so he's handling everything about as well as a 10 year old can.
I've skipped over a ton of details, did not even mention the other 3 times this has happened which were even more dramatic and stressful than this one. I'm getting better at dealing with it, I guess, but I'm also at my wits end with this friendship. I've been to hell and back with her, not many people visit their friend everyday in the mental hospital. It's affecting me a lot, when I get stressed my apatite tanks, I'm losing weight, and I'm already skinny. Almost impossible to focus on work while this is happening.
If I did not develop a close relationship with her son, I would've been gone a long time ago. When she pops out of this one, I need to have a talk with her and if she won't take her mental health seriously then I'm hitting the road. It'll be the first time in my life with out some kind of best friend (32 years old), but the amount of stress I've put up with for this friendship is starting to far outweigh the good.
If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this.
My room mate and best friend, a single mother who is normally very capable and responsible, stopped taking her medication and now she's manic. She was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago, she's supposed to take Zyprexa. She's also taking Adderall to treat her hypersonmia. Apparently she stopped taking the Zyprexa a couple months ago and kept taking the Adderall. Pretty frustrated that she stopped, as she knows taking the Adderall with out anything to counter it is what sent her to mania the last 3 times.
It's so hard to see her in the state. She's normally such a great mom, but when this happens all the structure she's built into her son's life is destroyed. She's spending all her money, running up her credit cards, and quit her job. I'm planning on paying rent on my own. She made up a story about her being a nanny for a friend, didn't buy it for a second.
I actually managed to get her into the ER for psych eval fairly early, before much damage was done, but they let her out after 48 hours, saying there wasn't enough to hold her against her will. When she got out she was a little loopy, but doing much better than before the ER. She was willing to restart her medication minus the Adderall and she was good for a couple days. Then she started smoking marijuana, I've seen her smoke MJ a bunch of times, but this time it changed her immediately. I asked her to stop smoking for a while but she refused. Couple days later she stopped taking her meds again.
I got her son over to his grandma's and he's staying there now. No one has heard from my friend for past 24 hours, no idea where she is and her phone is off/dead. I'm pretty worried about her, but at the same time it's been nice not having her in the house. When she gets into these episodes, I become her enemy because I'm telling her she needs help, so we don't get along well. Her son was pretty young during her first episodes, but he does remember the last because she missed Christmas and he knows it's happening again. I feel horrible for him, but thankfully his mom's parenting was solid while she was sane, so he's handling everything about as well as a 10 year old can.
I've skipped over a ton of details, did not even mention the other 3 times this has happened which were even more dramatic and stressful than this one. I'm getting better at dealing with it, I guess, but I'm also at my wits end with this friendship. I've been to hell and back with her, not many people visit their friend everyday in the mental hospital. It's affecting me a lot, when I get stressed my apatite tanks, I'm losing weight, and I'm already skinny. Almost impossible to focus on work while this is happening.
If I did not develop a close relationship with her son, I would've been gone a long time ago. When she pops out of this one, I need to have a talk with her and if she won't take her mental health seriously then I'm hitting the road. It'll be the first time in my life with out some kind of best friend (32 years old), but the amount of stress I've put up with for this friendship is starting to far outweigh the good.
If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this.
tearsofash
Member
Really depends on your state. Some states have special programs for low income individuals.
These past two fucking weeks haven't been good for me. I'm supposed to be celebrating two months of freedom from school and exams but I'm just feeling a heavy bout of sadness and anxiety.
My Grandma died last tuesday, a day before my hardest exam. So I had that to deal with, well, to bottle up because fuck breaking down in the middle of an exam. When I finished exams on Wednesday my emotions could finally catch up to me so I didn't actually feel any relief from ending such an important part of my life. Now today Brexit happens and my entire future is now even more uncertain than it was before. I'm already doing a degree I don't have much passion for, and now it's probably useless. I feel like life is just a thing that's happening around me I have no control over. Can't even relax and play a game or watch a movie because this shitty thing called "life" is just, there, at all times. I've got two months of NEEThood in front of me and so far I haven't enjoyed any of it. Just constantly worried about the future, hating myself for not being proactive in anything I do, all topped off with a near constant sense of dread. I just want someone to talk to but alas, no friends, no girlfriend, and my mum's not doing well enough to cope with my problems.
My Grandma died last tuesday, a day before my hardest exam. So I had that to deal with, well, to bottle up because fuck breaking down in the middle of an exam. When I finished exams on Wednesday my emotions could finally catch up to me so I didn't actually feel any relief from ending such an important part of my life. Now today Brexit happens and my entire future is now even more uncertain than it was before. I'm already doing a degree I don't have much passion for, and now it's probably useless. I feel like life is just a thing that's happening around me I have no control over. Can't even relax and play a game or watch a movie because this shitty thing called "life" is just, there, at all times. I've got two months of NEEThood in front of me and so far I haven't enjoyed any of it. Just constantly worried about the future, hating myself for not being proactive in anything I do, all topped off with a near constant sense of dread. I just want someone to talk to but alas, no friends, no girlfriend, and my mum's not doing well enough to cope with my problems.
Empyrean Heaven
Member
So I just heard that Trump plans to curb mental health programs thoughout the US?
He won't get the chance so don't worry.
User 479360
Banned
Today sucks. The loss of my Mom is hitting hard, and tomorrow I'm doing a cancer benefit walk that I agreed to before she passed (I did it three of the last four years as well). I really don't want to do it.
Sectorseven
Member
Your insurance company should have a website or phone number you can call that will provide you with a list of therapists in your area.
Brexit is having very strange results on me personally. I feel more motivated. Of course, angry and disappointed, but non-depressed ways of thinking. It was like the final wake up call.
My previous laptop broke which sucked, but my BFF helped me get a new one and now I'm not too far of from releasing a cute mobile game.
My Uni wants me to apply for extra time etc. (disability services for the suicidal thoughts) but I don't feel that they are necessary.
Between very fun outings, trying VR for the first time, and just now an oooooooold friend getting back in touch, I'm much happier mentally.
My previous laptop broke which sucked, but my BFF helped me get a new one and now I'm not too far of from releasing a cute mobile game.
My Uni wants me to apply for extra time etc. (disability services for the suicidal thoughts) but I don't feel that they are necessary.
Between very fun outings, trying VR for the first time, and just now an oooooooold friend getting back in touch, I'm much happier mentally.
Empyrean Heaven
Member
Just like Brexit won't happen, right?
MrS
Banned
Then don't
NintendoGal
Member
I feel extremely isolated and wept secretly at work yesterday when these three ladies, all friends (not my friends), came in. They sat outside, I was doing work in the shop inside and just was upset I can't make any friends or when I do, they don't respect me for being me. I'm always having to hide some aspect of myself. It's getting to the point where I'm about to simply throw my hands up and give up on attempting to make friends.
People talk to me once or twice, but then never follow up. It doesn't help being on GAF either because most of you are liberal and can't even respect the fact some of us don't feel the same (I'm a libertarian and have been my entire life). I'm not asking for people to agree with me, but simply a respect of a difference in opinion.
So, add this with living around the SF area, yeah I'm pretty fucking alone right now. The only thing that has made it so I don't completely collapse is the fact I'm married to my wonderful husband.
It's been making many things like severe depression come to the surface. Shit sucks.
People talk to me once or twice, but then never follow up. It doesn't help being on GAF either because most of you are liberal and can't even respect the fact some of us don't feel the same (I'm a libertarian and have been my entire life). I'm not asking for people to agree with me, but simply a respect of a difference in opinion.
So, add this with living around the SF area, yeah I'm pretty fucking alone right now. The only thing that has made it so I don't completely collapse is the fact I'm married to my wonderful husband.
It's been making many things like severe depression come to the surface. Shit sucks.
Empyrean Heaven
Member
MrS
Banned
Update your CV and begin the process of finding a new job. It's easier to find a job when you already have a job.
NintendoGal
Member
Hey, you love Nintendo. That's good enough for you to be my friend
I actually don't that much anymore. Don't even care about gaming anymore either. I've become extremely casual.
Astral Dog
Member
Thats awesome,hope you like your new job. And you will find it more interesting and fullfilling
Yeah, the instructions said as much. I hoped it would have had some immediate effect, but apparently not.
Empyrean Heaven
Member
Well shit, nevermind...
J/k, you're a really good poster. I don't care about your politics one way or another. You're a nice person and that's all that matters.
NintendoGal
Member
I didn't mean it like that, sorry. I mean it to mean I have a hard time relating to anyone. I'm so far off the beaten path that whenever I interact with people I feel like I'm from another planet. I've watched my coworkers interact with everyone so fluidly, discussing things like movies. Unfortunately I don't really care about movies, so I have nothing to add to the conversation.
It didn't used to be this hard, but when you put yourself in self-exile for 5-7 years because you saw you really didn't have "friends," it's hard to plug back in I guess. Sigh.
I used to be a social butterfly, but now I'm simply socially awkward.
Sectorseven
Member
Is it a bad sign if your therapist doesn't know who Howard Hughes was?
User 479360
Banned
Already signed up and got donations.
Note: Not wanting to do it isn't laziness or not wanting to help the cause. It's because it will be extremely difficult for me after the huge loss I suffered after saying I'd do the walk. I've done it three out of the last four years. The only time I didn't was because I was flying in from out of the country that day and exhausted.
Early in the month, my health cleared up miraculously enough to go on a trip. It was on the schedule for three weeks before the event but I knew the odds of me going were extremely low. I hadn't significantly traveled since 2012 (a trip to Hawaii, which was disastrous), a few short trips to California aside. And it wasn't sitting on a plane for several hours, I had to do almost five hours of driving by myself. It seemed infeasible. Most days, my pain is so severe that I'm stuck in the apartment (or worse, in bed).
And yet, somehow, it happened. And it went okay. My mental health was precarious during the entire trip (for a variety of reasons) but my physical health was good, better than it had been in years. The next flare started on the day I was scheduled to go back and that was a big trial getting home but I did it, indulging in as many rest stops as I could before getting back on the road. I practically collapsed when I opened the door to my apartment.
It's been hell ever since, two weeks and counting. Part of it is because I pushed my body really hard on that trip (a couple of demanding hikes, jumping into a lake) but it's mostly because the illness has worsened with time and major flares tend to be just a little worse with each iteration. It's put me back in the mental space I was in this March, when I realized I wouldn't live past 2016. And that position hasn't changed, even with distractions putting it out of my mind temporarily.
Yesterday's circumstances made an already dire situation much, much worse. I've been aware for a while that my Social Security payments have been in a state of flux. They recently switched me over to disability as opposed to supplemental benefits. This came with an increase of a couple hundred dollars, which I was thrilled about because I'm always feeling like I'm teetering on the edge as far as my budget goes. Today, I learned that my food stamps got sacrificed (from $170 to $16 a month) because I now technically make too much money. Oh, and my health insurance (Medicaid) has also decided that a grand a month is too much money so they've switched me over from a plan that paid almost everything for free (with certain limits) to one that requires me to spend $1800 every six months OUT OF POCKET before coverage kicks in. This includes doctor visits, prescriptions and all mental health care. Since I'm getting an extra $300 a month from SS, it's possible to plan all of this by making cuts (albeit very, very time consuming and unreasonable in my fibro-fogged state) but without the funds from food stamps, I'm still $150 in the hole and have to decide on a regular basis between eating and getting health care. I spent four hours on the phone (mostly on hold) trying to get answers for this and mostly getting stonewalled (albeit by nice, sympathetic people who have no power to change things). I am devastated. It's like the universe is conspiring to see what will finally break me, one thing piled on the next.
The only thing that's really keeping me going is putting the last touches on an art song I'm writing for a singer friend of mine. She wants to premiere it personally. If we're doing a recital, I'd like to premiere some of my other pieces too. I think that would be a nice capper on my artistic career. I also have another piece, started last year that I don't want to leave in an unfinished state. I've been stuck on it for ages but maybe inspiration will strike? I don't know. I'm running out of energy.
But honestly, these things are feeling more and more immaterial. I'm not feeling any motivation to keep fighting because there's nothing left to fight for. I'm too goddamned sick and getting sicker. My life is mine to end, if I deem it necessary. I just don't want to be all alone when it's time.
And yet, somehow, it happened. And it went okay. My mental health was precarious during the entire trip (for a variety of reasons) but my physical health was good, better than it had been in years. The next flare started on the day I was scheduled to go back and that was a big trial getting home but I did it, indulging in as many rest stops as I could before getting back on the road. I practically collapsed when I opened the door to my apartment.
It's been hell ever since, two weeks and counting. Part of it is because I pushed my body really hard on that trip (a couple of demanding hikes, jumping into a lake) but it's mostly because the illness has worsened with time and major flares tend to be just a little worse with each iteration. It's put me back in the mental space I was in this March, when I realized I wouldn't live past 2016. And that position hasn't changed, even with distractions putting it out of my mind temporarily.
Yesterday's circumstances made an already dire situation much, much worse. I've been aware for a while that my Social Security payments have been in a state of flux. They recently switched me over to disability as opposed to supplemental benefits. This came with an increase of a couple hundred dollars, which I was thrilled about because I'm always feeling like I'm teetering on the edge as far as my budget goes. Today, I learned that my food stamps got sacrificed (from $170 to $16 a month) because I now technically make too much money. Oh, and my health insurance (Medicaid) has also decided that a grand a month is too much money so they've switched me over from a plan that paid almost everything for free (with certain limits) to one that requires me to spend $1800 every six months OUT OF POCKET before coverage kicks in. This includes doctor visits, prescriptions and all mental health care. Since I'm getting an extra $300 a month from SS, it's possible to plan all of this by making cuts (albeit very, very time consuming and unreasonable in my fibro-fogged state) but without the funds from food stamps, I'm still $150 in the hole and have to decide on a regular basis between eating and getting health care. I spent four hours on the phone (mostly on hold) trying to get answers for this and mostly getting stonewalled (albeit by nice, sympathetic people who have no power to change things). I am devastated. It's like the universe is conspiring to see what will finally break me, one thing piled on the next.
The only thing that's really keeping me going is putting the last touches on an art song I'm writing for a singer friend of mine. She wants to premiere it personally. If we're doing a recital, I'd like to premiere some of my other pieces too. I think that would be a nice capper on my artistic career. I also have another piece, started last year that I don't want to leave in an unfinished state. I've been stuck on it for ages but maybe inspiration will strike? I don't know. I'm running out of energy.
But honestly, these things are feeling more and more immaterial. I'm not feeling any motivation to keep fighting because there's nothing left to fight for. I'm too goddamned sick and getting sicker. My life is mine to end, if I deem it necessary. I just don't want to be all alone when it's time.
Not necessarily. I just assume many of them just unaware of certain things like your average person. My previous counselor didn't know what Tetris was. Shocked as I was, I could see how.
I can relate to that. I've always been very ignorant of many things socially and interpersonally, and I've always struggled to understand people. It took a long time and a lot of work to get to where I was. But after almost three years now of mostly being stuck inside with limited social interactions, I feel like I inhabit a different plane of existence from "normal" people.
Booker Dewitt
Member
Feeling like a asshat because of my recent postings. Can't help but feel like a dummy whenever I post online.
Octavianus
Banned
I can relate. I cringe pretty hard when I read some of the stuff in my history on gaf.
I end up posting stuff I don't actually agree with at all sometimes.
Actually that happens in real life as well... I should probably stop doing that.
tearsofash
Member
Well, I'm being kicked out again. I'm being told I exacerbate my roommate's mental illness. FML. I give up. I'm disabled, but haven't got disability yet. I can't work, and I can't seem to keep a place to stay while I'm in the process of getting it. I give up.
Insane Metal
Member
- Status