Why do people cheat?

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It just happens sometimes. You're thrown into the situation and you either let it happen or you don't.

I've never gone out with the intent to cheat.
 
Uncle0wnage said:
Watched the Ted talk. Basically boiled down to most affairs wouldn't happen if couples were honest and communicated more, or went to therapy or counseling first. She didn't excuse affairs and likened them to having cancer. It's okay to end relationships, just talk to your partner before you do something so destructive to relationships.
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She didn't liken having an affair to having cancer, rather the aftermath of having had an affair and being found out can lead to a similar "new outlook on life" and can be used for a positive end result through introspection & self discovery (as bad as cheating on people is) much like people surviving diseases can lead to them reprioritizing their life values from what they were pre-disease.

And she pointed out that a lot of the time these things aren't planned, so there's really no way to go to some kind of preventive therapy/counseling when a lot of cheaters aren't in an unhappy relationship for years before they cross the line, it might be something they aren't all that aware of until something surprising happens. For that one woman it was just some man who came to get rid of a tree after a storm fell it on their property, house or something and he just happened to be something she hadn't even thought she was missing in her life.
 
Warm Machine said:
You can love your significant other and your family and still be sexually unsatisfied by a lack of drive by the other partner. If that is the singular reason for cheating, wanting to have more sex in your life, I can understand it. I don't see why a persons sex drive should be held hostage by another person forever. It's a sea of relationship grey that will come around due to life, stress, and people simply changing over time combined with insecurities on both side. Ugly and unfortunate.
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This is a major reason.
 
In an ideal and healthy relationship, the only thing that should be considered cheating is lying. Not enough couples are willing to talk about sex with other people and lying as separate things, and so by default, many people who follow the quite natural inclination to explore others sexually are liars.

Monogamy as tradition describes it is fine for many people, and I am happy for those people, but it's not a basic human template by any means. People are weird and fluid and chaotic and curious. If couples were honest with each other up front instead of trying to fool each other into game rules, cheating would become a hobby enjoyed purely by sociopaths who actively seek to deceive people they fooled into falling for them.
 
Animalistic nature to procreate with as many partners as possible. This unconscious drive, ensures the survival of the species.
 
Well, men are just sick by nature. If they can notch up the sexual partners, they can convince themselves they're more desirable than their mate. This puts her in her place. Conversely, if he can find one special woman to cheat with who's smarter, more popular, and more beautiful than his mate, this can also put her in her place. Ultimately, it's all about power and finding leverage over the mate. This gives the sick man a free pass to never improve on himself and walk out of any argument. Cheating on the mate implies she's inferior and must obey your every command if she wishes to remain with you.
 
voodoojohn said:
Well, men are just sick by nature. If they can notch up the sexual partners, they can convince themselves they're more desirable than their mate. This puts her in her place. Conversely, if he can find one special woman to cheat with who's smarter, more popular, and more beautiful than his mate, this can also put her in her place. Ultimately, it's all about power and finding leverage over the mate. This gives the sick man a free pass to never improve on himself and walk out of any argument. Cheating on the mate implies she's inferior and must obey your every command if she wishes to remain with you.
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Sounds like you're implying that only men cheat...
 
hmmmdonuts said:
Animalistic nature to procreate with as many partners as possible. This unconscious drive, ensures the survival of the species.
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I don't really believe this. Humans have evolved societal structures because they're beneficial to procreating the species. Survival of the species is more complex than simple "fuck constantly". All those messy things like love, respect, empathy, etc. are actually useful things, and they're not unique to people (i.e. we're not the only species that practices monogamy).
 
What I don't understand us, following the cheating, how the cheats reconcile their mind. I can't understand it. Just leave the person.
 
Grass is always greener on the other side? I've never cheated before, but one of the reasons I usually break up with girlfriends is because I'm bored and want something new.
 
Cheating means to take an action which violates a set of established rules for personal gain or satisfaction. People cheat because a rule is in place. Remove the rule and there's no more cheating.
 
It's a conundrum for sure. Us men will settle for nothing less than the most powerful and desirable women. Those women will cheat. What's a man to do?
 
Main reason is issues in the relationship. Their can be many issues yes but a failing relationship is the reason.

I feel that sexual urge is not a reason.
I am happily married and would love to try different things, from MFMF to partner switching but my wife isn't interested so we don't do it and I don't cheat on her as I love her.
 
I think people cheat for a variety of different reasons just like people do everything for a lot of different reasons.

That's like trying to figure out why people murder or kill.

There is no one reason other than our emotions. Everyone's path to that point is different. The outcome is still the same so does it matter? I think it does but most don't.
 
Piichan said:
Grass is always greener on the other side? I've never cheated before, but one of the reasons I usually break up with girlfriends is because I'm bored and want something new.
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You make it sound like you go through girlfriends weekly. Lol
 
Different reasons i guess.
I think most people are attracted to other people than just their partner.

I think the other way around. I have reasons NOT to cheat:
- i never want to hurt my girlfriend. I love her.
- i don't want to lose my girlfriend. Would not want to live without her. She's great.
- it would be hell for my son if we "divorced"
- i would not like this to happen to me (basic human empathy).
- I love how my relationship is a safe haven.
- i would hate having to keep up with lies.
 
because they're shitty people

it's really not a hard thing to avoid. If you are bored of your partner, finish the relationship.
 
Speely said:
In an ideal and healthy relationship, the only thing that should be considered cheating is lying. Not enough couples are willing to talk about sex with other people and lying as separate things, and so by default, many people who follow the quite natural inclination to explore others sexually are liars.

Monogamy as tradition describes it is fine for many people, and I am happy for those people, but it's not a basic human template by any means. People are weird and fluid and chaotic and curious. If couples were honest with each other up front instead of trying to fool each other into game rules, cheating would become a hobby enjoyed purely by sociopaths who actively seek to deceive people they fooled into falling for them.
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Very well stated. Monogamy, polyamory, or something in between, none of them are inherently right or wrong. Many people cheat because monogamy isn't right for them, but they are trying to comply with intense social pressure to follow that life path. I say the one thing to do is to be honest with yourself and potential partners about what level of exclusivity is right for you. Ideally, find someone else who feels the same way. I think that would eliminate a lot of cheating because both partners will be happy and honest.
 
Sometimes when you live your life with a certain unconscious bias that conform to a typical recognized pattern and was suddenly brought to the realization that life is indeed short, you might be tempted to try something you would never have entertain so before.

With cheating, people usually are sorry for hurting their partners but not for the act itself.
 
Impulse-control. Complete lack of it. Aswell as wanting to eat the cake and keep it.

I used to be a serial-cheater. It was also a way to just forget my own world at times. The more I cheated I felt worse. This if course affected the relationship, and she turned depressed.
This in turn made me turn distant and seek solace and escape in other women who were'nt sad and depressed.

Vicious circle that in the end ruined her life and mental health. Aswell as mine.

So yeah. I could write so much more but shit. Yeah.

Edit: These days I can't even look at myself naked due to the things I did. Just taking a shower is struggle. I haven't been able to touch another person sexually for over 3 years due to the monstrousness of my actions.
 
Speely said:
In an ideal and healthy relationship, the only thing that should be considered cheating is lying. Not enough couples are willing to talk about sex with other people and lying as separate things, and so by default, many people who follow the quite natural inclination to explore others sexually are liars.

Monogamy as tradition describes it is fine for many people, and I am happy for those people, but it's not a basic human template by any means. People are weird and fluid and chaotic and curious. If couples were honest with each other up front instead of trying to fool each other into game rules, cheating would become a hobby enjoyed purely by sociopaths who actively seek to deceive people they fooled into falling for them.
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Couldn't have put it better myself. There are so ridiculously many people who just don't belong being monogamous, but that's the default and expected in society. Humans are largely capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for. We're social animals, yet we lock away part of that.
 
Maybe because I'm not what he was looking for anymore. Maybe I was enough, but maybe now he's looking for someone less or more.

As someone whose been cheated on for too many times by the same person. I'm still trying to find the exact answer, but it seems I won't find it.
 
I'm on the side that doesn't really see it as a deal breaker, because that's just how people work. Not just with relationships, but with everything. Most people don't stick to their diets 100%, they'll drive a bit faster than the speed limit when they can, they'll hide something from you, and you'll probably do this too. The best thing you can do is just be open about your feelings and talk.

Most people that cheat don't go out there with the intention of hurting their partner. They just get wrapped up in situations that allow them to make "poor" choices.

My girlfriend and I were friends/co-workers before we hooked up, and she was in long relationship when I met her. She was definitely the type of person who despised cheating and thought if she was faced with the dilema she could just end the relationship and move on with the new partner. Of course when she was faced with the dilema that isn't what happened. I always respected the boundaries but she decided to make the move on me and from then on we carried on and off for a few months before she ended her relationship.

We've been together for almost 5 years now and she's the love of my life. Does she cheat on me? Maybe, idk, but so far it hasn't affected our relationship.
 
scarlet said:
Maybe because I'm not what he was looking for anymore. Maybe I was enough, but maybe now he's looking for someone less or more.

As someone whose been cheated on for too many times by the same person. I'm still trying to find the exact answer, but it seems I won't find it.
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Whatever he's getting from them, it's not because of some deficiency on your part. He might want variety. He might want the thrill of a new relationship. He might simply want more of a good thing. He's doing what he's doing for himself, not because of you.

Pamplemousse said:
Gay men are horndogs too. Babies just aren't a byproduct.

Women cheating isn't as simple as biology.
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Violet_0 said:
oh, sweet summer child
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Don't feed the troll.
 
JinjoUnchained said:
Very well stated. Monogamy, polyamory, or something in between, none of them are inherently right or wrong. Many people cheat because monogamy isn't right for them, but they are trying to comply with intense social pressure to follow that life path. I say the one thing to do is to be honest with yourself and potential partners about what level of exclusivity is right for you. Ideally, find someone else who feels the same way. I think that would eliminate a lot of cheating because both partners will be happy and honest.
Click to expand...

It's crazy because we STILL live in such a puritanical society that monogamy is considered a given in regard to virtue. Can't have one without the other. Actual honesty and communication means nothing, but adhering to social constructs put in place before you knew what sex or love or even people are.... that's fine.

RDreamer said:
Couldn't have put it better myself. There are so ridiculously many people who just don't belong being monogamous, but that's the default and expected in society. Humans are largely capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for. We're social animals, yet we lock away part of that.
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You bring up a good point. The sheer number of individuals who exist in any given culture vs the small amount of variables by which they are expected to behave is fucking silly. There is very little consideration given to those who actively desire to exist outside of the traditional "courting" model, and yet many people act outside of said espoused model every day in secrecy.
 
re: "biology!"

When you factor out impulse control there's biological reasons for a lot of things. But then functional adults should have generally functional impulse control, so if you're using "it's just biology!" as a reason to explain away these things, you'll literally just saying "I have no desire to exercise self-control whatsoever, nor do I wish to claim responsibility ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" in different words.
 
lightskintwin said:
My point being that more often than not, people who cheat still want to remain in their current relationships which is why they try not to get caught, and don't break up with their significant other instead of the often used "because they're unhappy" explanation.

Agree or Disagree? Why do you think people cheat?
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Maybe I'm misunderstanding you here OP, but the way you describe this scenario, it's all very intentional.

I think in reality, it's can* be way less of a conscious decision 1) to cheat in the first place and 2) to not be open about the act of cheating. We are capable of self-control and self-reflection of course, but we are also able to have strong base impulses to seek pleasure/avoid discomfort.

Combine that with our tremendous ability for cognitive dissonance, and there you go. Cheating happens, people try to avoid coming clean because they're in a otherwise comfortable relationship.

*(doesn't have to be, of course)
 
supernormal said:
I'm on the side that doesn't really see it as a deal breaker, because that's just how people work. Not just with relationships, but with everything. Most people don't stick to their diets 100%, they'll drive a bit faster than the speed limit when they can, they'll hide something from you, and you'll probably do this too. The best thing you can do is just be open about your feelings and talk.

Most people that cheat don't go out there with the intention of hurting their partner. They just get wrapped up in situations that allow them to make "poor" choices.

My girlfriend and I were friends/co-workers before we hooked up, and she was in long relationship when I met her. She was definitely the type of person who despised cheating and thought if she was faced with the dilema she could just end the relationship and move on with the new partner. Of course when she was faced with the dilema that isn't what happened. I always respected the boundaries but she decided to make the move on me and from then on we carried on and off for a few months before she ended her relationship.

We've been together for almost 5 years now and she's the love of my life. Does she cheat on me? Maybe, idk, but so far it hasn't affected our relationship.
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I'm sympathetic to this POV, personally. Of course, there are so many different factors at play in relationships, not least of which are the personalities of the people involved. I can totally see why cheating is a deal breaker for others.
 
Warm Machine said:
I don't see why a persons sex drive should be held hostage by another person forever.
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It isn't. They agreed to consult their partner about changes to to arrangement when they entered into the relationship. They can propose changes at any time and if their partner doesn't like them they're always free to break up with them.
 
Chuck Norris said:
The feeling of new relationship is exciting

The feel of an existing relationship is comforting

They want both
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I think this is often a big reason. The promise of something new is exciting, maybe people think they can reinvent themselves, passively, without having to make a decision. It's sort of like those people who attribute everything to their circumstances. Who they're with, or why they fell into the career that they did, how happy they are, none of it is them, it's all stuff that happened to them.
 
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