Why do people cheat?

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Monocle said:
I'm sympathetic to this POV, personally. Of course, there are so many different factors at play in relationships, not least of which are the personalities of the people involved. I can totally see why cheating is a deal breaker for others.
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Cheating is a "deal breaker" for me when people are actively pursuing affairs while in relationships. So many times I've been in a gathering with few couples where as soon as the women leave the men alone the conversation automatically shifts to bragging about whatever chick they recently fucked. Nobody bats an eye, like it's most common thing ever. I almost feel like I'm a joke show and they're tryna get a reaction of me.
 
Plenty of otherwise good and decent people cheat, so it's by no means just to satisfy a sexual urge. The reasons are myriad and complex, and generally stem from a series of minor cumulative events that cause the cheater to feel gradually disconnected from, misunderstood by, and unappreciated by their partner. This coupled with a particular set of circumstances that allows them to build a connection with someone who appears to offer what their partner no longer does results in affairs. The sad truth is - and people won't like this - that in a lot of cases an affair is the fault of both parties, not just the cheater.

I do agree with the OP though that there are people who do it just for the thrill of it, but in my experience this kind of cheater is in the minority versus those who end up cheating because they are feeling trapped/unfulfilled etc.
 
Dryk said:
It isn't. They agreed to consult their partner about changes to to arrangement when they entered into the relationship. They can propose changes at any time and if their partner doesn't like them they're always free to break up with them.
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Except you're not just gonna break up with someone after years of being with them, just because they don't want an open relationship. You break up out of emotional strain.
 
I did because my girlfriend wouldn't agree to a break up. Said we had to try and fix it when I was completely checked out of the relationship.

So I fulfilled my needs elsewhere.
 
I don't really accept the relationship problems excuse because my husband is kinda a dick and I've been faithful to him for 16 years.

I've never been in a situation where I was even tempted.

Honestly, on the extremely unlikely chance that that I fell in love with someone else who also loved me, I would end it before even progressing to kissing.
 
For some it is the excitement of doing something wrong lol. This kind of thing is not always logical. Some people just love being a jerk,
 
Humans never evolved to be monogamous, from our genitals (e.g. the unique shape of the penis, apparently adapted to pull semen out, or the different chemical composition of each semen spurt, like the last one actually leaving a form of spermicide behind, or that straight men naturally get erect when they see other erect penises) to our hormones (e.g. the male refractory period) to our basic desires. It's honestly amazing that anybody manages to be (serially) monogamous at all, really.

(I just don't pretend I'm up to that nonsense, and that's worked pretty well for me.)

Obviously breaking a taboo can be very appealing all by itself, I'm sure for a lot of people the naughtiness is a big part of the draw.
 
The most common reasons I've seen are:

(a) Started to become unhappy, never communicated to the partner out of fear of hurting them, slowly emotionally checked out of the relationship until someone else came along.

(b) All their friends were getting married, decided it was time, and just picked somebody and tried to force it.

(c) Got married before they knew who they were or what they wanted, and only started asking those questions afterwards.
 
ssolitare said:
Except you're not just gonna break up with someone after years of being with them, just because they don't want an open relationship. You break up out of emotional strain.
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My point is that if differing ideas of what your relationship should look like are resulting in emotional strain then you should either break up or find some way to deal with it together. Breaking the established boundaries is not one of those ways.
 
Media said:
I don't really accept the relationship problems excuse because my husband is kinda a dick and I've been faithful to him for 16 years.

I've never been in a situation where I was even tempted.

Honestly, on the extremely unlikely chance that that I fell in love with someone else who also loved me, I would end it before even progressing to kissing.
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Sorry to hear your husband is a dick to you, that sucks. I don't know you beyond what I've read of your posts here but you seem a great person and I hope you find happiness.

I would suggest though that the bolded is a huge factor - once you move into the realm where something is a possibility and there's temptation, it's a very human thing to start to justify exceptions to previously inflexible personal principles. Not saying that to excuse it, but rather that I think the reality becomes about shades of grey once it hits, rather than a black and white set of alternatives. And even if you are a person who could be that strong when the situation arises, I don't think most people are. The majority are scared to leave the security of their relationship but still need the satisfaction of what they aren't getting from their relationship.
 
I haven't cheated on a girl since I was like 17, back then I used to just fuck everything in sight, some times I seriously forgot I was in relationships, cheating at that age isn't even remotely the same as cheating when you're an adult.
 
Some people also don't develop strong connections between people. It's hard to understand how badly you could hurt someone if you can't feel the same.

I've had a girlfriend cheat on me, and I just kinda shrugged and we broke up. It sucked, but I got over it pretty quickly because I'm not the kind of person to really connect to others.
 
Shaanyboi said:
A) bored assholes

B) sociopaths

C) complete lack of impulse control
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Basically these. People who cheat suck, bit there are reasons, shitty though they may be.

Not to say sleeping with others is bad, even in a relationship. Spicing up your life or having an open relationship are both fine options, but don't be a dick and cheat on someone like that.
 
Tron#1 said:
The media has made it OK. Yes there will always be the people that make mistakes. But at the rate people are doing it now it's insane. That goes for men and women.
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Now?

Cheating is as old as humans. It's probably less these days than it used to be.
 
A whole host of reasons, many of which have been pointed out. Unsatisfied with current relationship, too deep in relationship to leave but not emotionally invested, the biological argument, finding someone else you are extremely compatible with, finding someone who offers something you want that your current partner doesn't...

Although I'd be willing to be that ultimately it's down to the fact that people find it extremely hot to do something they're not "allowed" to. It's naughty, which makes it exhilarating.
 
Tron#1 said:
Yes NOW. It use to be statistically more men cheating just because of the way society view relationships and marriage. Men knew they could get away with it. I remember being a kid and my mom going to other women's house dragging my dad out half naked. One of my uncles had his side chick living right across the street from him. Literally he would walk across the street and have sex with her and spend half the day. This sounds crazy but in the south when I grew up women accepted it as a part of life. They were to be the good wife and stay loyal and faithful. Today... that shit wouldn't fly not only that but women are just as bad as men. Actually statistically I have seen certain studies that show women are more likely to cheat then men. I'm not trying to make this a man vs women thing. I'm just basing it on the experience I saw growing up and cheating never really being a thing the women I grew up around doing.
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So you're citing "studies" you passively saw headlines about and anecdotal experiences/stereotypes to support your claim that cheating is more prevalent today, largely attributing that to the claim that women cheating in a relationship occurs more often then it did when you grew up?

OK.

Like, you could be right but your argument is weak.
 
kavanf1 said:
Plenty of otherwise good and decent people cheat, so it's by no means just to satisfy a sexual urge. The reasons are myriad and complex, and generally stem from a series of minor cumulative events that cause the cheater to feel gradually disconnected from, misunderstood by, and unappreciated by their partner. This coupled with a particular set of circumstances that allows them to build a connection with someone who appears to offer what their partner no longer does results in affairs. The sad truth is - and people won't like this - that in a lot of cases an affair is the fault of both parties, not just the cheater.

I do agree with the OP though that there are people who do it just for the thrill of it, but in my experience this kind of cheater is in the minority versus those who end up cheating because they are feeling trapped/unfulfilled etc.
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That's been my experience as well, and if anything it was a wake-up call for me (the partner being cheated on). Although thankfully it was only a short-lived infatuation and they never got beyond a couple of stolen kisses (the girl was married as well). Through it all, my hubby still loved me but we had been growing distant (busy with school/career). It was the first time he had been unfaithful in the 12 years we have been together. I truly believed he was incapable of cheating. He's incredibly easy to read so he makes a terrible cheater. It just so happened that we've been going through a rough patch in our careers and someone came along that provided him with something he didn't realize he'd been missing, something that I've begun to neglect due to years of familiarity.

I was hurt of course, and he felt terrible for hurting the one he loved. We did a lot of introspection, enacted changes and I can say that our relationship has been revitalized due to that short-lived blight. We are communicating better and we appreciate each other more. I realize not all are as lucky, but I'd like people to know that it is indeed possible to mend a relationship damaged by cheating IF both people are willing to work on it.
 
Go out in public. There's a lot of people who simply cannot consider anything other than what's directly one foot in front of them. You see it in all forms. Some people just do not give a shit how their actions effect themselves or other people.
 
Please read and listen to the following:

The_Honest_Truth_about_Dishonesty.jpg

51-0%2BmXsBCL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg


and

NPR TED Radio Hour: Why We Lie

You're welcome.
 
I used to think of it in a very black and white way. But I've had guys approach me who are clearly secure in their relationships because they just wanted to have sex with someone else.
 
I wish I knew man. I've been cheated on and this question bothered me for a very long time.

Why did she cheat on me?

It's strange, because the person that did told me how much she cares about me, saw a future with me, etc. When I found out I confronted her straight up and just asked if she had sex with anyone else. She denied it to my face until I brought up the evidence. Bitch
(I'm sorry, there's really no other way to describe my emotions towards her
started crying and say how much she wanted to be with me, stay with me, etc. I gave her a second chance. She did it again.

I'm a pretty naive person. I would never do that to someone else so I assumed no one would do it to me. I don't know why someone would do that to others. It's literally something I can't process in my brain.
 
Why not?

Sure, I would be very hurt if my boyfriend dumped me, lied to me or plain stopped loving me. But I don't see what would be so terrible if he just had sex with someone else and was honest about it, other than "because society says so". And sure, if you and your partner have agreed to only have sex with each other, you should stick to that like any other agreement, but why would you agree to such a thing in the first place? Because society says so?

ant_ said:
No, not because society says so. This is an agreement that two parties make.

If an open relationship is desired, have an open relationship.
If monogamy is desired, then be monogamous.

Don't be dishonest/cowardly and don't lie to someone you care about. It's pretty simple. Communicate expectations and stick to them.
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Sure, of course, if you make that agreement, that's fine. But what necessites the agreement to begin with? It's obviously a bit difficult for some people to uphold, right?


Edit: I mean, cheating, by the very definition of the word, is a bad thing, and upholding your agreements is essential to healthy relationships. But why would "cheating" be synonymous with "having sex with somebody else"? In and of itself, agreements nonwithstanding, it seems a harmless thing to do.
 
Elider said:
Why not?

Sure, I would be very hurt if my boyfriend dumped me, lied to me or plain stopped loving me. But I don't see what would be so terrible if he just had sex with someone else, other than "because society says so". And sure, if you and your partned have made the agreement "let's only have sex with each other", you should stick to that like any other agreement, but why would you agree on such a thing in the first place? Because society says so?
Click to expand...

No, not because society says so. This is an agreement that two parties make.

If an open relationship is desired, have an open relationship.
If monogamy is desired, then be monogamous.

Don't be dishonest/cowardly and don't lie to someone you care about. It's pretty simple. Communicate expectations and stick to them.
 
The "humans weren't meant to be monogamous" response is bullshit. People have urges, sure, but we're sentient human beings who can make choices. If you don't want to hurt the people you love, that's more important than getting your load off.
 
They treat life like a Bethesda game where you can go and do whatever you want and be the leader of every guild, rather than an RPG with proper C&C.
 
1. Because it's there for the taking/YOLO
2. Because someone's unhappy/unfulfilled
3. Because they want something new without giving up something stable
4. Because they were traumatized at some point in their lives and do destructive things
5. Because it doesn't count if you end up with them afterward
 
Selfishness, lack of integrity and cowardice. A lot of people are more interested in having the appearance of being a decent human being, than actually being a decent human being. Nothing wrong with having multiple partners, as long as you're up front about it, but a relationship is worthless without trust.
 
Elider said:
Sure, of course, if you make that agreement, that's fine. But what necessites the agreement to begin with? It's obviously a bit difficult for some people to uphold, right?
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You're making a strange strawman argument. The answer to this question is irrelevant to the premise.

It's an agreement between two parties. If you want monogamy and this expectation is clear, then the two parties should respect each other and be monogamous. Most people have no problem with open relationships. I personally couldn't do it, but I respect people that can. An important aspect in open relationships is still trust and communication.

A relationship is an agreement between two people built on trust, respect, and communication. Lying to your partner completely destroys all three.
 
I'd never do it because I know how much it would destroy my fiancee, but humans get urges. I think the majority of people who cheat either are in a relationship they no longer want but don't have the courage to break up with their SO, or they just want to have sex with someone new. But for me, a few moments of sex isn't worth losing the trust and love of my woman.
 
ant_ said:
You're making a strange strawman argument. The answer to this question is irrelevant to the premise.

It's an agreement between two parties. If you want monogamy and this expectation is clear, then the two parties should respect each other and be monogamous. Most people have no problem with open relationships. I personally couldn't do it, but I respect people that can. An important aspect in open relationships is still trust and communication.

A relationship is an agreement between two people built on trust, respect, and communication. Lying to your partner completely destroys all three.
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You're right. I'm sorry, that was poorly worded. Polygamy is obviously not for everyone, and neither is monogamy, so I should rephrase my question: Why do so many insist on monogamy in the first place when they break the agreement that defines it?
 
Man i can't wait for confessember


On topic - lack of self control would be the main reason, most cheaters probably don't actively look for it, but are given an opportunity and can't say no.
 
Elider said:
You're right. I'm sorry, that was poorly worded. Polygamy is obviously not for everyone, and neither is monogamy, so I should rephrase my question: Why do so many insist on monogamy only to then break the agreement that defines it?
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No worries at all.

And as to that, I have no clue. That's something I struggled with (and still do, when I think about it) when I was cheated on. I've come to accept the terms that my partner was not who I thought she was, and she was extremely selfish. We had many conversations about monogamy and how important it was to her. And then she cheated on me, twice.
 
I am not allowed to step outside my relationship with another woman unless my woman sleeps with her first.

Been a happy guy for many years.
 
To me the reasons vary but the biggest ones:

1: Zero impulse control: just the right man/woman who is just absolutely sexually alluring and an insane fuck. Great body, nice tits, big dick etc.

2: Unhappy with their current partner various reason for that existence so when they get the opportunity to cheat they take it because they aren't getting something they want in their current relationship.
 
This is actually a very simple question to answer:

https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat

If a person values self-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a relationship, then they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful.

Think of it like a scale. On one side you have self-gratification and on the other you have intimacy. If at any point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, then you get a cheater.

There are two ways this can happen. The first way is that a person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.
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Definitely, the whole article is worth reading. It really lays out all of the angles to cheating and why it happens.
 
Because for a lot of folks, they can. As simple as that: they have the agency to cheat, and either the hubris or lack of care required to rationalize the potential harm they'll cause their significant other as worth it for their cause.
 
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