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[Nilaul]

One thing is not perfect in her?

No one is perfect! Sooner or later you would find a flaw in her perfectness. The difference is that this time you spotted them sooner (perhaps you where on a look out for these?). Attraction will grow but the flaws will always be there and you will always see them.

If you find her attractive but their is a flaw, well I'm that will be the case with every relationship. So you either are with the person for what she truly is (her looks and her character), or you leave the person alone because they deserve someone who will love them for what they are.

From what it sounds you where never really attracted to her in the first place and just like the idea of being with someone. Man maybe you should move on...

 

[Unit 33]

What is this you call love, human?

 

[E-Cat]

Most couples I see are a combination of a more attractive male with a less attractive woman. Guess it depends on the country and area.

How does that work out, mathematically? Are you saying there are more hot, single women than there are hot, single men?

 

[Drifters]

You are an alien tricking us into explaining how we work so you can understand us better and eventually blend in with us and destroy us from the inside, aren't you?

This is what popped in my head. Although, makes me wonder if he's been on any beer runs lately.

 

[Shadax the wizard]

I think the five second rule applies here, just as with food; if there's no connection within 5 seconds throw it in the bin and just move on with your life.

 

[John Kowalski]

I think the five second rule applies here, just as with food; if there's no connection within 5 seconds throw it in the bin and just move on with your life.

are you sirius

 

[_Nemo]

Just wanted to chime in and say I get you OP. I come from the same religion and type of culture and have been through a similar dilemma as well. I ended up saying no to her. The doubts in my mind about her attractiveness were too much and I just couldn't look past them. Physical attraction is huge and if there's things that are bothering you about her looks to the point that you have to contemplate this much on it then it's honestly best to say no and back out now and not take it any further.

 

[Lazlo Woodbine]

Why is she described as ethical

It's South Asian code for traditional (he already mentioned she wears a Hijab and I'm going to guess she's educated, doesn't drink/smoke etc).

I'm not really surprised to see the amount of "WTF" style responses here though. As someone with a close British-Bengali friend, a lot of what the OP is saying is somewhat familiar.

There's a lot of warped expectations that come from a toxic mix of religious orthodoxy and cultural homogeny (e.g. marrying into families from different provinces is often a no-no depending on how strict the family is. An Indian marrying a Pakistani is borderline heretical to some etc).

Combine that with a puritanical approach to sexuality and you have disaster areas like the OP.

 

[How About No]

I don't want to reject her outright without giving it careful thought. I can see her being a good mother and supportive wife.

Edit: maybe if you're only looking to get married due to cultural and family pressure, yet can think for yourself, maybe you shouldn't get married?

 

[brawly]

Why are you thinking about marriage and kids? You just met the girl. You're not obliged to marry her by giving it a shot.

 

[Mawnster]

Do some of you guys even read past the first page? Or more than just the original post? Jesus, catch up and read OP's posts. I will never understand the point in posting on a thread and then not following it. Or posting without reading a bit more than just the first page.

 

[Ganzlinger]

This is a weird thread. But to answer the OP, yes. If she is an interesting person she will become more attractive. And I mean physically too, she can always changes her hairstyle, correct her teeth and smile with a dentist (if that's the case), upgrade the makeup, get fit, starting to wear different fashion, etc etc and of corse, there is always cosmetic surgery.

But obviously she should do that thinking about herself too, not just because of others.

 

[spekkeh]

Face is not important. Now, are her hips wide enough for throwing a large enough litter.

Spoiler

I guess as you grow older you start loving each other more for certain imperfections. But it's important to have at least some attraction to be fine with the imperfections in the first place.

 

[viciouskillersquirrel]

I would agree with this...in the context of a western relationship.

In the context of the repressive culture that the OP and this woman live in, maybe (as a member of the group that benefits the most from the oppressive culture) he should take some responsibility for her happiness. Maybe that's the sacrifice he has to make, for living in a culture that values men over women. Maybe the two of them being "happy-ish" is preferable to him having a shot at real happiness and her life being consigned to misery.

What about the other women he isn't making happy? For every one of this girl there might be dozens of others just like her. He can't marry all of them. Bottom line, until they say the vows, he has no obligation to stick around.

It will hurt her feelings, to be sure, maybe even to the point of heartbreak, but is that really worse than being stuck with a husband who doesn't love you?

 

[Astral Dog]

CrazyHorse and his
Questionable threads

 

[harSon]

I've been finding my girl more and more attractive as time goes on, ridiculously so. So absolutely.

 

[Alcotholic]

Your jumping the gun a bit here. I wouldnt look for motherly qualities right away, unless you are some sort of baron who wants a woman to produce a strong son to be proud of.

 

[Prologue]

I've been finding my girl more and more attractive as time goes on, ridiculously so. So absolutely.

.

 

[Shadax the wizard]

are you sirius

Of course not, I'm just being silly. My belief is that attraction is intellectual and not physical. So my anwser to OP is absolutely.

 

[x Dredgen Yor x]

please leave this poor girl, for her sake.

 

[Keri]

What about the other women he isn't making happy? For every one of this girl there might be dozens of others just like her. He can't marry all of them. Bottom line, until they say the vows, he has no obligation to stick around.

It will hurt her feelings, to be sure, maybe even to the point of heartbreak, but is that really worse than being stuck with a husband who doesn't love you?

Yeah, maybe. Again, in the western world where women have more options, it's obviously preferable to attempt to find real love, but in an oppressive society where women have few options and are only valued based on their roles as wives and mothers, it might be better to be married to a man who only sort-of loves you, than to be alone. There's a huge cultural divide at work here and a potential for very real suffering, given the circumstances. I think most of us on GAF are really at a loss, to give advice that is tailored to this situation.

 

[Twilight Princess]

Your OP reads like someone shopping for bedsheets on amazon, "This one is kind of ugly, but the thread count is good, looks comfortable and it's cheap, maybe I'll like it after I buy it?" After reading the rest of your posts, I can finally understand why.

 

[trixx]

I think people aren't willing to consider context here. In many cultures it's quite normal to think marriage in initial part of dating.

I think you can definitely grow to love her, eventually physical attraction wears out and personality becomes much more important. I mean don't get me wrong it's important to be physically attracted to your partner but sometimes attraction to personality could even get you to look past looks.

That's me though

Based on your post it doesn't seem like you're attracted to her, you acknowledge and respect her qualities but a bit more is needed. Probably best for the both of you to look elsewhere.

Also this is why I don't think it's a good idea to post romantic esque threads on gaf, maybe in dating thread you will get better results. It's one thing to criticise and another to merely throw insults. He's seeking advice. I will say the OP reads pretty bad but I've seen similar replies in threads that are much tamer.

 

[Lashley]

yeah, definitely

 

[SlipperyFishes]

Are you a Shrute?

 

[GeekyDad]

Is this for real? Honestly, I appreciate the reality of attraction, but the post is really kinda dark in its blatant vanity. It's a joke thread, right?

 

[FLAguy954]

Of course physical attraction can grow, but you should not EXPECT it to eventually happen.

.

 

[RustyNails]

Breh you just met her and you're already thinking about her as your wife and the mother of your child, the hell

This is quite common in Asian societies.

 

[viciouskillersquirrel]

Yeah, maybe. Again, in the western world where women have more options, it's obviously preferable to attempt to find real love, but in an oppressive society where women have few options and are only valued based on their roles as wives and mothers, it might be better to be married to a man who only sort-of loves you, than to be alone. There's a huge cultural divide at work here and a potential for very real suffering, given the circumstances. I think most of us on GAF are really at a loss, to give advice that is tailored to this situation.

Again, there are other girls who can't find love. Who's to say he can't marry one of them instead? What specific obligation does he have to this one? Is it because they just happened to find one another online randomly?

 

[Wolfe]

Do some of you guys even read past the first page? Or more than just the original post? Jesus, catch up and read OP's posts. I will never understand the point in posting on a thread and then not following it. Or posting without reading a bit more than just the first page.

Give me a break, it's pretty clear that the OP didn't give enough info in his first post that led to this situation.

Saying that everyone else needs to keep checking up on the thread to see if OP clarifies is fine but the door swings both ways, OP could have saved everyone the trouble and just been more straightforward with it.

 

[EdwardTeach]

Girls from other communities are mostly out of the equation because their families are stubborn culture worshippers. .

What did you mean by this?

 

[Miroku129]

I am better looking than her

Wat?

 

[KillGore]

The mermaid effect. Yes.

 

[ebullientprism]

you have the looks, she has the ethics and intelligence apparently. perfect couple!

Oh god I genuinely burst out laughing.

 

[How About No]

The mermaid effect. Yes.

You start noticing the scales more over time? The gasps for air bother you more and more?

 

[pureplayin2]

Yes attraction can grow. The only way for you to know for sure is to get to know the person more. Physical attraction is the very first thing that draws us to someone then from there we usually attempt to get to know the person to see if they are someone we can date.

For me, if I'm not at least partially attracted to the person physically then I will never ever date them. It doesn't matter how good of a person they are, if I don't think they are pretty then I will never want to date them. If they are really pretty and I find out they are very unintelligent then I drop them. I have no fat female friends and I have never and will never date a fat overweight girl either. If I ever get married and the wife starts to gain weight, I will give her a chance to lose it otherwise I am gone- this type of agreement will be in a contract the future wife will need to sign before marriage. I don't care how much I love the person she will get dropped for becoming fat. I've even made a fat girl cry because she wanted to get with me and I proceeded to tell her how fat she is and how repulsive it makes her look. YOU should really not waste this girls time if you feel the way you feel. You are already questioning her looks which is a warning sign now that it WILL become a problem in your relationship with this girl if it gets that far.

 

[SuperSah]

OP sounds shallow as hell

but yes attraction can grow

 

[navii]

It does not grow. That's my experience. If it grew it is because you already found the person attractive on some level.

Just like people who say they got out of the friendzone. They were never in it.

 

[pelicansurf]

What kind of alternate universe have I entered this time? I see couples where the husband is better looking than the wife all the time.

This is literally the only thing I see, especially with most of my close married buddies.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Yes attraction can grow. The only way for you to know for sure is to get to know the person more. Physical attraction is the very first thing that draws us to someone then from there we usually attempt to get to know the person to see if they are someone we can date.

For me, if I'm not at least partially attracted to the person physically then I will never ever date them. It doesn't matter how good of a person they are, if I don't think they are pretty then I will never want to date them. If they are really pretty and I find out they are very unintelligent then I drop them. I have no fat female friends and I have never and will never date a fat overweight girl either. If I ever get married and the wife starts to gain weight, I will give her a chance to lose it otherwise I am gone- this type of agreement will be in a contract the future wife will need to sign before marriage. I don't care how much I love the person she will get dropped for becoming fat. I've even made a fat girl cry because she wanted to get with me and I proceeded to tell her how fat she is and how repulsive it makes her look. YOU should really not waste this girls time if you feel the way you feel. You are already questioning her looks which is a warning sign now that it WILL become a problem in your relationship with this girl if it gets that far.

That first paragraph was a great point. The second paragraph started off strong, and then I don't know what the fuck happened there, although the last sentence is indeed accurate.

It's like you have fat-shaming bitterness sandwiched between slices of wisdom.

 

[Keri]

Again, there are other girls who can't find love. Who's to say he can't marry one of them instead? What specific obligation does he have to this one? Is it because they just happened to find one another online randomly?

He cares about this one, because they've been dating. It isn't just a random woman who will be left to live an unfulfilled and devalued existence, it's a woman that, although he doesn't find her attractive "all of the time," he still cares about.

Also, I can't be sure, but he describes her as being from a particularly repressed sect, so I'm not sure if any girl he marries will come from the exact same circumstances.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

He cares about this one, because they've been dating. It isn't just a random woman who will be left to live an unfulfilled and devalued existence, it's a woman that, although he doesn't find her attractive "all of the time," he still cares about.

Also, I can't be sure, but he describes her as being from a particularly repressed sect, so I'm not sure if any girl he marries will come from the exact same circumstances.

It would help if OP described the extent of options available, both for himself and his possible wife.

Right now, we have a host of replies that don't realize the cultural and religious restrictions placed on both of them; and even for those of us who understand that point, we're left with guesswork on both sides. How repressive is her sect? Are her parents finding other suitors? Are they already "matched?" Why are the other communities OP mentioned seemingly not suitable for looking? Are his parents arranging matches?

 

[Naked Snake]

Wat?

What do you don't understand?

 

[CrazyHorse]

OP sounds shallow as hell

but yes attraction can grow

OP adores this girl and wishes his brain wasn't such a mess. OP wants to spend the rest of his life with her but is afraid the attraction issue will keep coming back.

OP hates himself for all this mess.

The one thing that gives me solace is that in the age of the Internet, she may find someone who will be better than me.

 

[Keri]

It would help if OP described the extent of options available, both for himself and his possible wife.

Right now, we have a host of replies that don't realize the cultural and religious restrictions placed on both of them; and even for those of us who understand that point, we're left with guesswork on both sides. How repressive is her sect? Are her parents finding other suitors? Are they already "matched?" Why are the other communities OP mentioned seemingly not suitable for looking? Are his parents arranging matches?

I brought the question up earlier, and he didn't respond in detail, but he seemed confident that she won't have an opportunity to find someone else. So, that's what my last few posts have been assuming. I think the situation is definitely more serious than most here would guess or assume, but more details would be helpful in giving advice and would be interesting (since I think this is a situation most here don't have experience with).

EDIT: I guess he thinks she can find someone on the internet now?

 

[CrazyHorse]

I brought the question up earlier, and he didn't respond in detail, but he seemed confident that she won't have an opportunity to find someone else. So, that's what my last few posts have been assuming. I think the situation is definitely more serious than most here would guess or assume, but more details would be helpful in giving advice and would be interesting (since I think this is a situation most here don't have experience with).

EDIT: I guess he thinks she can find someone on the internet now?

Well she is in a repressed minority. She does not meet anyone from that group in her country. None. Her only option is the net, if she gets lucky.

I am restricted to a community of a few tens of thousands (including people I cant marry like elders, kids etc).

For some it gets worse, e.g. I know a guy who is restricted to his village!! They have genetic illnesses due to intermarrying. It's cultural insanity. Many youth disagree with it and I suspect many elders do but the latter want to keep up their "honor". If you see a person from south asian backgrounds, know that this is a real problem for them.

 

[CSJ]

OP sounds shallow as hell

You think most people actually have a choice in finding something attractive or not?
Sorry, but it being a choice is infinitesimally small; of a lot of people, I know the realities of this.

For once this example is rare and they are being honest.

 

[Mawnster]

For me, if I'm not at least partially attracted to the person physically then I will never ever date them. It doesn't matter how good of a person they are, if I don't think they are pretty then I will never want to date them. If they are really pretty and I find out they are very unintelligent then I drop them. I have no fat female friends and I have never and will never date a fat overweight girl either. If I ever get married and the wife starts to gain weight, I will give her a chance to lose it otherwise I am gone- this type of agreement will be in a contract the future wife will need to sign before marriage. I don't care how much I love the person she will get dropped for becoming fat. I've even made a fat girl cry because she wanted to get with me and I proceeded to tell her how fat she is and how repulsive it makes her look. YOU should really not waste this girls time if you feel the way you feel. You are already questioning her looks which is a warning sign now that it WILL become a problem in your relationship with this girl if it gets that far.

 

[CrazyHorse]

You think most people actually have a choice in finding something attractive or not?
Sorry, but it being a choice is infinitesimally small; of a lot of people, I know the realities of this.

For once this example is rare and they are being honest.

I wish I had a choice!!

 

[Wolfe]

Yes attraction can grow. The only way for you to know for sure is to get to know the person more. Physical attraction is the very first thing that draws us to someone then from there we usually attempt to get to know the person to see if they are someone we can date.

For me, if I'm not at least partially attracted to the person physically then I will never ever date them. It doesn't matter how good of a person they are, if I don't think they are pretty then I will never want to date them. If they are really pretty and I find out they are very unintelligent then I drop them. I have no fat female friends and I have never and will never date a fat overweight girl either. If I ever get married and the wife starts to gain weight, I will give her a chance to lose it otherwise I am gone- this type of agreement will be in a contract the future wife will need to sign before marriage. I don't care how much I love the person she will get dropped for becoming fat. I've even made a fat girl cry because she wanted to get with me and I proceeded to tell her how fat she is and how repulsive it makes her look. YOU should really not waste this girls time if you feel the way you feel. You are already questioning her looks which is a warning sign now that it WILL become a problem in your relationship with this girl if it gets that far.

Lol well you sure are making yourself sound like a huge piece of shit.