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[scar tissue]

So how often does everyone think about suicide? I pretty much think about it daily.

For me, suicide isn't something I desire to do now, but it is something I think will happen "naturally" if my social anxiety (and the depression that comes alongside) don't get better in the coming years. There is no deeply emotional longing (anymore), just a sense of complacency that there is a real chance that it will happen down the line.
If that makes any sense.

But then again, maybe things will get better?
I'm seeing a lot of progress lately with my social anxiety, but the problem is, it's still not enough. If I continue at this rate, I might be normal after 10 years of therapy. But my life may well be fucked by then. And that's what makes my depression grow..
University's about to start again and I'm feeling totally apathetic. Fuck. I really need to get my shit together.
/livejournal

Edit: What do you guys think of medication? I tried a few different ones and spent about 2 years on different meds, and I for one am NEVER going back.
Yeah, they help a little, but at what cost? Total sexual dysfunction, nightmares, insomnia, oversleeping, general tiredness.
I saw my life through a haze, my grades at university got worse and my social connections totally slipped away during that time. Now, a year without medication, I'm finally taking back control. Hell, even fear felt good in the first weeks after going cold turkey. You know, just feeling something.

tl;dr: Medication was one of the worst decisions of my life.

 

[Uchip]

sexual dysfunction is probably the worst side effect of the medication
a decade of pills has basically made me a-sexual

 

[scar tissue]

sexual dysfunction is probably the worst side effect of the medication
a decade of pills has basically made me a-sexual

Being asexual made me even more depressed, in a way.

Now I'm back to the normal bouts of occasional depression, but damn does it feel good to be human again.

Seriously guys, I urge anyone on medication to try and reduce/quit. WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A DOCTOR, obviously. I went cold turkey and it worked fantastically for me (only about a week or two of withdrawal symptoms), but I wasn't very heavily medicated and it could end in a disaster with someone else.

 

[Uchip]

Being asexual made me even more depressed, in a way.

Now I'm back to the normal bouts of occasional depression, but damn does it feel good to be human again.

Seriously guys, I urge anyone on medication to try and reduce/quit. WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A DOCTOR, obviously. I went cold turkey and it worked fantastically for me (only about a week or two of withdrawal symptoms), but I wasn't very heavily medicated and it could end in a disaster with someone else.

yea... ive been off meds for half a year and im still dead
too long on them I guess

 

[scar tissue]

yea... ive been off meds for half a year and im still dead
too long on them I guess

Fuck, the effects stay long-term?
Goddamn. The doc told me it all goes away 3-4 months after quitting, no matter how long you take the pills.
How is this shit not only given out with a huuuuuuuuuuge warning?
"May help short-term but will certainly fuck up your life long-term even worse"

I don't even know what to tell you, that's so fucked up.
But you'll probably still recover, it's just taking a bit longer. At least I hope so.

 

[Mr.LightMan]

For me, suicide isn't something I desire to do now, but it is something I think will happen "naturally" if my social anxiety (and the depression that comes alongside) don't get better in the coming years. There is no deeply emotional longing (anymore), just a sense of complacency that there is a real chance that it will happen down the line.
If that makes any sense.

But then again, maybe things will get better?
I'm seeing a lot of progress lately with my social anxiety, but the problem is, it's still not enough. If I continue at this rate, I might be normal after 10 years of therapy. But my life may well be fucked by then. And that's what makes my depression grow..
University's about to start again and I'm feeling totally apathetic. Fuck. I really need to get my shit together.
/livejournal

I think I know what you mean. The thought crosses my mind a lot, when my old man died is when it really went bad. I refuse to take action as I don't want to make the little one go through that. When she finally leaves though, maybe that's when it will happen.

So you've seen results from you therapy? Mind me asking how long you've been doing it?

 

[Xun]

yea... ive been off meds for half a year and im still dead
too long on them I guess

You'll recover I'm sure, but this along with a few other reasons is why I doubt I'll go near medication.

 

[Uchip]

Fuck, the effects stay long-term?

well to be fair i was on more than just antidepressants
but the effects seem permanent

 

[Jezabel]

So how often does everyone think about suicide? I pretty much think about it daily.

i do a fair bit but i feel guilty about it because i know i have a great life. went through a really rough patch with deaths when i was 18 and it still haunts me two years later

 

[scar tissue]

So you've seen results from you therapy? Mind me asking how long you've been doing it?

It's been exactly 1 1/2 years with my current therapist. Had a different one with an approach that didn't work for me (she was hot tho lol) for a year before that.

Yeah, all in all things are looking much better, on the outside at least. I've got a few friends again, university is going somewhat well and I've even noticed girls checking me out on occasion.
The thing is: I'm still weird, awkward and anxious in a shitton of social situations. I just bounced back to square one the other day, felt like total shit. And that's when depression kicks in. Knowing there is a good chance I won't ever be able to lead a normal life.
Never being able to move freely in society without fear. Never being able to be the kind of man girls want. Dying alone and a virgin. Yeah. Fun times.

i do a fair bit but i feel guilty about it because i know i have a great life.

On the outside, we all do - compared to that starving kid in Africa. The brain doesn't work that way, so don't feel guilty.

 

[Tess3ract]

I don't really understand asexuality? Do you not get turned on, ever? That seems odd to me, I'd rather die.

If anything I've gotten back my old libido by being on these pills (so far anyways, I'm horny pretty easily) but I don't always have the best erection which frustrates me.

 

[CornBurrito]

I just started friday and the side effects I've gotten so far is:
Pretty strong irritability from low irritability
Restlessness
Increased appetite from barely eating

Restlessness is not something I want to deal with. It already takes me 2 hours to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.


Tangent:

I have been at college for 1 semester and I've been nothing but nice to the people around me. But I'm not invited to anything, the people I know only sit with me in the cafeteria as a last resort, and I pretty much have only 1 friend.

I really can't figure out why I've failed to make any friends.

 

[Piano]

Edit: What do you guys think of medication? I tried a few different ones and spent about 2 years on different meds, and I for one am NEVER going back.
Yeah, they help a little, but at what cost? Total sexual dysfunction, nightmares, insomnia, oversleeping, general tiredness.
I saw my life through a haze, my grades at university got worse and my social connections totally slipped away during that time. Now, a year without medication, I'm finally taking back control. Hell, even fear felt good in the first weeks after going cold turkey. You know, just feeling something.

tl;dr: Medication was one of the worst decisions of my life.

It's a tool, not a solution. Very useful for some but obviously you had a bad experience. For some with a mild/moderate amount of depression it may be a disposable option. For those with severe depression it's not so easy to push through cleanly.

For me, depression is a result of bipolar mood shifts so saying 'fuck you!' to the medication isn't really a reasonable option.


As a general message to everyone in this thread: If you're sitting here posting on NeoGAF about your depression and unhappiness instead of pursuing therapy you're throwing the brakes on your own recovery.

Seriously...

 

[amrihua]

I'm late but I've been there and let me tell you, it gets better.

IT GETS BETTER

Keep that on mind. You'll climb out of the hole you in, don't be afraid of asking for help.

 

[SKINNER!]

I'm late but I've been there and let me tell you, it gets better.

IT GETS BETTER

Keep that on mind. You'll climb out of the hole you in, don't be afraid of asking for help.

this.

I was really down this time last month but these past couple of days have been really bright for me. I never talked to anyone about it and kept it to myself but - looking back - I probably should've. would have helped the recovery process. also, keep yourself busy at all times. Go out, meet other ppl, read a book, join a sports club. because boredom is not your friend at all during down time.

 

[Raijin_Cain]

It's a tool, not a solution. Very useful for some but obviously you had a bad experience. For some with a mild/moderate amount of depression it may be a disposable option. For those with severe depression it's not so easy to push through cleanly.

For me, depression is a result of bipolar mood shifts so saying 'fuck you!' to the medication isn't really a reasonable option.


As a general message to everyone in this thread: If you're sitting here posting on NeoGAF about your depression and unhappiness instead of pursuing therapy you're throwing the brakes on your own recovery.

Seriously...

That is very true. I have wasted years feeling small, pathetic and crying in the corners.

I finally had the courage to ask for help (Thank God for my parents)

I started to see a psychiatrist and he prescribed Prozac for me.

Dont see any difference so far (good or bad - no side effects), but its been less than 2 weeks.

I have a job now too. Pays crappy and I feel nervous and afraid all the time, but Im hanging in there.

I do feel ashamed cause I had this potential to be in a good job and making good money but never did anything about my depression before.

PS - Another reason to seek professional help is that sometimes they will open your eyes to something you dint even realize.

My therapist said I have a tremendous fear of failure. Thats why I run from most things.

And you know what? The moment he said that I felt like he hit the nail on the head.

I had never thought of it that way.

So, seek help.

Im struggling and still feel sad and fear the future, but Im trying to improve.

 

[neojubei]

I'm late but I've been there and let me tell you, it gets better.

IT GETS BETTER

Keep that on mind. You'll climb out of the hole you in, don't be afraid of asking for help.

It doesn't get better at all.

 

[Piano]

It doesn't get better at all.

Yes, it does. See my above post. Or the prior post I addressed to you and you ignored.

I can offer as many anecdotes as you'd like to reinforce my point.

PS - Another reason to seek professional help is that sometimes they will open your eyes to something you dint even realize.

My therapist said I have a tremendous fear of failure. Thats why I run from most things.

And you know what? The moment he said that I felt like he hit the nail on the head.

I had never thought of it that way.

So, seek help.

Im struggling and still feel sad and fear the future, but Im trying to improve.

That's awesome. Glad to hear your therapist is getting to know you and helping connect the dots.

 

[J Tourettes]

Being asexual made me even more depressed, in a way.

Now I'm back to the normal bouts of occasional depression, but damn does it feel good to be human again.

Seriously guys, I urge anyone on medication to try and reduce/quit. WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A DOCTOR, obviously. I went cold turkey and it worked fantastically for me (only about a week or two of withdrawal symptoms), but I wasn't very heavily medicated and it could end in a disaster with someone else.

Meds made me a fuckton worse. Killed my sexdrive, killed my sleep, killed my enjoyment of booze by making me puke if I drank.

Have been off them for a few years now, my sleep is still shitty (it was before the meds) but not as bad as it was on the meds, my sexdrive has got a bit better and my enjoyment of booze is still somewhat ruined as there's always a good chance that I'll vomit in my sleep.

I know people who meds have worked wonders for, left me more than a little jealous.

 

[Cubsfan23]

It doesn't get better at all.

whatever you say, you are right

 

[Kuraudo]

I've been on medication for social anxiety and depression for about five weeks now and I'm doing really good. Started a relationship with a girl I've been smitten with since October and doing really well in work (went from one of the worst performers in my team to one of the best in space of couple of weeks).

Anxieties coming back a bit since I started going out with my girl though. I constantly keep asking myself why she could possibly like me and my mind has it set up that she's going to realise I'm a total loser and move onto someone more interesting.

I'm having huge issues with sex too. I'm twenty seven and she's twenty two, but there's a huge difference in sexual experience between the two of us. I have no issues touching her and have brought her to orgasm a few times in the past week (so proud the first time I did it without her help), but I flinch everytime she moves her hand near my penis. I asked if I could put it inside her during a very intense make out session over the weekend, but when faced with touching the tip against her and pushing inside, I completely flaked and just ended up going down on her.

She's really cool with it and I'm getting a little less jumpy when she tries to touch me, but it's kind of getting me down. Just feel completely inadequate and, you know, would me nice if I came some night too rather than just blue balling myself. Just something else for me to be completely insecure with her about :/


Realise this is getting a bit agony auntish and probably not best suited for this thread, but this is the only place on the board I feel I can post it without being completely ridiculed.

 

[neojubei]

Yes, it does. See my above post. Or the prior post I addressed to you and you ignored.

I can offer as many anecdotes as you'd like to reinforce my point.


.

It does not! I feel like dosing myself in gasoline and burning myself alive.

 

[Piano]

I've been on medication for social anxiety and depression for about five weeks now and I'm doing really good. Started a relationship with a girl I've been smitten with since October and doing really well in work (went from one of the worst performers in my team to one of the best in space of couple of weeks).

Anxieties coming back a bit since I started going out with my girl though. I constantly keep asking myself why she could possibly like me and my mind has it set up that she's going to realise I'm a total loser and move onto someone more interesting.

I'm having huge issues with sex too. I'm twenty seven and she's twenty two, but there's a huge difference in sexual experience between the two of us. I have no issues touching her and have brought her to orgasm a few times in the past week (so proud the first time I did it without her help), but I flinch everytime she moves her hand near my penis. I asked if I could put it inside her during a very intense make out session over the weekend, but when faced with touching the tip against her and pushing inside, I completely flaked and just ended up going down on her.

She's really cool with it and I'm getting a little less jumpy when she tries to touch me, but it's kind of getting me down. Just feel completely inadequate and, you know, would me nice if I came some night too rather than just blue balling myself. Just something else for me to be completely insecure with her about :/


Realise this is getting a bit agony auntish and probably not best suited for this thread, but this is the only place on the board I feel I can post it without being completely ridiculed.

There are two elements to this:
One is universal sexual experience. You're still in the process of building this baseline but if you know what you're doing at all (and it sounds like you do) you're on a good track. You'll catch up soon enough. Some googling/reading can be a help but obviously never replaces actual experience.

The other is personalized sexual experience. No matter how 'great' you are at sex, it'll be new, scary and relatively unknown when you're with a new partner. Everyone has their tastes and style and it takes a while to learn that.

tl;dr give it time.

 

[Piano]

It does not! I feel like dosing myself in gasoline and burning myself alive.

Are you seeking or receiving therapeutic treatment? It does get better, but it also doesn't rain betterment from the sky. You have to seek it out. And while that may seem pointless and futile from your current vantage point once the fog or depression starts to break you'll be happy you did.

Trust me. It's impossible to see a way out from the inside.

 

[neojubei]

Are you seeking or receiving therapeutic treatment? It does get better, but it also doesn't rain betterment from the sky. You have to seek it out. And while that may seem pointless and futile from your current vantage point once the fog or depression starts to break you'll be happy you did.

Trust me. It's impossible to see a way out from the inside.

yup and he gave me some stupid book to read that doesn't work. i could not stomach the bullshit self-congratulatory shit it had. Even other paragraph was about colleagues recommending the book, or how it help x number of people or how it was used in x number of studies, etc. I could not stomach anymore. if it was the introduction, ok, but i was into chapter 2 of the book. I'm going to either blow my brains out one day or do something drastic.

I wish someone would cut out the compassion and love out of me. whats the point of it if i am never going to love anyone especially myself. I wish i was one of those psycho killers or suicide bombers, at least they have a purpose in life unlike me. it seems i am here just to suffer. Every time i hear someone says it will get better i want to stab them in the face. I wished i killed myself in high school, wished i died 2 years ago when i was on my death bed. but i used to think it will get better and it has not not once not ever. one day i feel like i am going to snap.

 

[demon]

How much are you guys paying for therapy after insurance? I probably need to look into it some more but it looks like even after insurance it's fucking expensive for someone on my budget. I can't afford that.

 

[Rebel Leader]

"It gets better"..heh.. how many time have I heard that, I can't....but it never did... it just recently got worse

 

[Prince of Space]

How much are you guys paying for therapy after insurance? I probably need to look into it some more but it looks like even after insurance it's fucking expensive for someone on my budget. I can't afford that.

This is something I'd like to know as well. I have no health insurance, so I'd be paying for something like this completely on my own, and most of the results I've seen on Google for local therapists is a little steep for me at the moment, but I'm pretty much at the point where I'm willing to bite whatever financial bullet there is and get this taken care of; I'm sick of feeling like this day in and day out.

 

[Surface of Me]

How much are you guys paying for therapy after insurance? I probably need to look into it some more but it looks like even after insurance it's fucking expensive for someone on my budget. I can't afford that.

This, I kinda wanna know how much it would cost. I don't have health insurance, my mom can't pay for it, and I doubt my dad would do anything if I told him.

 

[Domino Theory]

What link? What's PSTEC?

Anybody?

 

[Mr.Squirrel]

I've slowly getting more and more depressed GAF, it sucks. I'm thinking it's because of my current situation (which should be changing in a few months I hope) but I honestly don't know. If that isn't it, I honestly don't know what it would take to make me feel better. I told myself if things don't get better in that next few months, I'm going to absolutely go and see a therapist. Right now, I just have a really poor outlook on life.

I think I might just need to take a vacation, and get away from everything for a while. I've been wanting to see either the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore...I think I'll save up some cash and go do that. Just so I can get away and be by myself for a bit.

I had pretty serious depression as a teen. I crawled my way out of it and only in the past couple of years have I been getting back into things(I'm 23 now). However, I keep feeling like it wants to crawl back in and start again. Yesterday, I was depressed as hell. Every weekend I don't do anything, I feel it too. I feel like I need to go nuts, have a huge blow out, get wasted, get some women, just get out of my head. It also doesn't help that I barely get out because I don't know anyone in this god damn city. All my friends are so far away I need to take a plane to see them.

I went through a similar thing. I was extremely despressed from 18-23 or so. I'm actually surprised I didn't commit suicide during that time period. I'm gonna be 30 this year, and it's still something I struggle with on almost a daily basis. I've accepted the fact that is something that's just going to be a part of my life, and I need to deal with it and mitigate it the best way I know how. For a while, video games helped me get my mind off things, but now it's working out. Whenever I feel really depressed, I go to the gym. It's hard to feel bad about myself and I'm so fucking tired I can barely think straight.

 

[SlipperySlope]

I have my first psych appt. on the 1st. If nobody sees me after that, it means I got committed.

 

[ThisWreckage]

Therapy only works if you don't know what the root of your problem is. Therapists force you talk about things and they hope/pray that you'll stumble across some answers. If you know what's ailing you, therapy won't help. I also think there's a correlation between intelligence and how well therapy works. If you can see through a lot of their bullshit exercises you'll know exactly why it's such a waste of time and money. I can also tell you for a fact that therapy ended up making my old college roommate worse than he was before he entered it.

As for me, I am completely bored and dejected with life. Quite frankly, the only thing I hate more than humanity is myself. If Earth flew into the sun I honestly wouldn't give a shit. I honestly have no idea why I even bother on most days.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

This is something I'd like to know as well. I have no health insurance, so I'd be paying for something like this completely on my own, and most of the results I've seen on Google for local therapists is a little steep for me at the moment, but I'm pretty much at the point where I'm willing to bite whatever financial bullet there is and get this taken care of; I'm sick of feeling like this day in and day out.

But socialism is bad...ron paul told me so.

Having depression and a family history of cancer and high blood pressure (which on my Spanish side of my family is all taken care by the state) is why I can't take anyone who is opposed to universal healthcare, that and being a motorcyclist. Healthcare is not like taking care of your retirement or your credit score, there are so many variables in life that one can't prepare for every single outcome by saving and working hard.

 

[heidern]

What link? What's PSTEC?

http://www.pstec.org/selfhelp.php

I've slowly getting more and more depressed GAF, it sucks

For a while, video games helped me get my mind off things, but now it's working out. Whenever I feel really depressed, I go to the gym. It's hard to feel bad about myself and I'm so fucking tired I can barely think straight.

What you're saying here is that you've been trying to avoid the problem rather than dealing with it. The official advice is that if you feel depressed for at least 2 weeks you should go and seek help. So since this has been going for years get some help now.

 

[demon]

No input on the cost of therapy? I still sometimes feel I will never get better without some serious outside help. I just don't think I'd be able to afford it. But I don't know where I'd even start, or what they could do. On the one hand I feel like I could really use someone (IRL) to vent to and listen to my problems, but on the other hand I can't imagine what that would fix. I feel like a broken, inadequate, incomplete person, right down to my core, and nothing short of rebuilding me from the ground up would change anything. And I'm constantly, constantly tortured by my inability to stop thinking about completely missing out on life during highschool and college. Anything from a tv show set in highschool to my friend telling me one of her college stories to seeing a couple university students chatting over homework at a cafe can send me into depression. I'm 30 and this shit still haunts me.....will it ever end?

 

[Zeouterlimits]

I'm doing pretty bad right now.
Have practically given up on everything.

 

[Mr.Squirrel]

http://www.pstec.org/selfhelp.php





What you're saying here is that you've been trying to avoid the problem rather than dealing with it. The official advice is that if you feel depressed for at least 2 weeks you should go and seek help. So since this has been going for years get some help now.

The problem with my depression is there's no real problem to solve. When I was 18 or so, it was life circumstances that were causing my depression, but in the past 5 or so years there's nothing I can point to that'll make me say "fix this and my depression will go away." Even when things are 100% perfect for me, I still deal with the same feelings I've had for pretty much my whole life. I'm not depressed because of family issues, financial issues, self esteem issues, or anything else. It's just that consistently, and for no apparent reason, I have deep feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide, and they're not really tied to anything.

Even when I was a kid (5 or 6) I remember similar feelings.

 

[Mr.Squirrel]

I'm doing pretty bad right now.
Have practically given up on everything.

The one thing that's been really keeping my going is writing in my online journal. Whenever the feeling of hopelessness creeps in, I just write it out. After a while, it's out of my system and I start to feel a bit better. IDK if it'll work for you, but it's helped me a lot of the last couple of months.

 

[Surface of Me]

These past few weeks have just been real bad. =(

I'm tired most of the time I'm awake, even when I get a full 8 hours, it's just hard to get out of bed. I've skipped far too many classes just because I didn't feel like going at the time this semester. Not being able to find a job isn't helping either. At least then I would have something to occupy my time with, all I do is lay in bed and watch Netflix. Lately I've just been feeling worthless, I don't have any meaning. I don't even know why I'm liked by anyone and spend hours wondering why people want to hang out with me. I need help.

 

[Uchip]

some lady is trying to get me to try homeopathy
even though ive already gone out of my sane zone and done acupuncture, st johns wart and a few other alternative things

Its actually more demoralizing than helpful
kind of like an insult to my intelligence

 

[ThisWreckage]

I've turned into a borderline alcoholic due to my depression.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

I've turned into a borderline alcoholic due to my depression.

thankfully, SSRI's give you the worst hangover's if you try to over-drink, so I've cut back a significant amount. Also, you only have one liver and it metabolizes most anti-depressant so to overload it with alcohol is bad.

For me, I try not to drink if I'm at my worst. Usually, I just shut myself in and read all day in bed (Cormac McCarthy's The Sunset Limited is not a good idea, though). I thankfully never had the urge to drink myself to oblivion since I've been on anti-depressants.

 

[demon]

I just got back from a walk around the block for a smoke in the rain, and I spent most of the time thinking about how nice it would be to just give up on life. I just don't see happiness or fulfillment in my future at all. 12+ years of this is really starting to wear on me. I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed. I'm tired all the time. I stay up too late because the less waking time I have before I got to sleep, the sooner I have to wake up and to work. Work. I fucking hate my job. ugh. Life should have a reset button.

 

[akira28]

St Johns Wort is like an over the counter herbal mood enhancer. People give that shit to their kids and their pets. I wouldn't expect too much out of it.

What the hell is homeopathy supposed to do? I'm not thinking the 'essence' of something is going to do much for one's mental state.

I might put some stock in acupuncture though. Always wanted to try it.

I'd only go to an elderly chinese dude though.

 

[ThisWreckage]

I turn 28 Saturday. I dread it. Not because I'm getting older, but because I know there's more shit in store. I read this quote by Lovecraft earlier:

"He enjoys life -- as do all who are spared the curse of intelligence."

It really resonated with me. I can't turn my thoughts off. I can't have a moment of peace. I honestly feel as though I'm stuck in some sort of cycle that can't be broken. I realized that I'm constantly punished for simply being me and that's the worst feeling in the world.

 

[Xun]

The one thing that's been really keeping my going is writing in my online journal. Whenever the feeling of hopelessness creeps in, I just write it out. After a while, it's out of my system and I start to feel a bit better. IDK if it'll work for you, but it's helped me a lot of the last couple of months.

I would like to do this but I just lack the motivation to do so.

It sucks not enjoying things you used to like doing...

 

[heidern]

Even when things are 100% perfect for me, I still deal with the same feelings I've had for pretty much my whole life. I'm not depressed because of family issues, financial issues, self esteem issues, or anything else. It's just that consistently, and for no apparent reason, I have deep feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide, and they're not really tied to anything.

Even when I was a kid (5 or 6) I remember similar feelings.

Just because you can't see why this is happening doesn't mean a professional with many years of training and many years of experience working with people that have had similar issues won't be able to figure out what's going on. Worst case scenario they say they don't know so nothing gaijnged nothing lost, best case scenario they have some suggestions to help you.

It really resonated with me. I can't turn my thoughts off. I can't have a moment of peace. I honestly feel as though I'm stuck in some sort of cycle that can't be broken. I realized that I'm constantly punished for simply being me and that's the worst feeling in the world.

Have you studied meditation? The whole point is to learn gentle control of your thoughts. Also how physically active are you? It's hard to think when you are in the middle of intense physical activity and it also releases mood boosting chemicals that last for 2 hours afterwards.

 

[Yasae]

I would like to do this but I just lack the motivation to do so.

It sucks not enjoying things you used to like doing...

You have to manufacture it in a state of depression. I remember when mixing music used to bring a tear to my eye, a purpose to my life.. Then I got depressed and it become boring, rote, tiresome shit which I couldn't stand to look at or listen to. That's what depression will do: turn your gifts to a curse, your light to a shade.

 

[Yasae]

I turn 28 Saturday. I dread it. Not because I'm getting older, but because I know there's more shit in store. I read this quote by Lovecraft earlier:

"He enjoys life -- as do all who are spared the curse of intelligence."

It really resonated with me. I can't turn my thoughts off. I can't have a moment of peace. I honestly feel as though I'm stuck in some sort of cycle that can't be broken. I realized that I'm constantly punished for simply being me and that's the worst feeling in the world.

Be more specific.

Also, he who enjoys life is probably intelligent enough not to the think of its existential quandaries despite knowing of them. We're simple beings at the end of the day; if we merely think we're depressed, then so shall it be regardless of external factors. It doesn't take much.

IIRC correctly, racing thoughts are common of mania. Meditation can help like heidern mentioned, though I still wouldn't rule out therapy or medication of some kind.

My mother had similar thoughts she couldn't control the influx of. She heard voices, so many at times she couldn't hear herself think. It took years of therapy and several drug formulations to get her stable - and whether or not you think those work, she's far better off than before. I would think it's worth another try, at least.