Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

Status
Not open for further replies.
HarryHengst said:
I didnt feel like going to the gym this morning, but i went anyway. What is your excuse not to start a new hobby you want to do? 'Not ready' is a really lame excuse, unless you need to learn to fly an airplane or something like that.

Also, about guys and looks, yes and no. Yes, of course guys care about looks, everyone cares about how the person they are dating/marrying/sleeping with looks. On the other hand, different guys find different things attractive. You cant decide that a guy you like wont like how you look. Thats actually really arrogant even though you probably dont even realize it is (the same goes for guys thinking a girl is out of their league or whatever). And whats more, what one guy finds ugly another guy wont care about or, even better, finds really attractive.

You know, when i look at the girl im dating now i could point out flaws in her face and body which media and 'science' tells us people don't find attractive (and i can most certainly do the same with my own face and body). Do i care? No, to me she is really pretty, even though im sure there are guys out there who don't like how she looks at all. So don't decide for the guy that you aren't up to his standards. You don't know what he likes, and who knows, perhaps you are just the girl he was waiting for. But you will never know if you keep deciding for him you arent good enough.
Click to expand...

I thought about taking some type of martial arts class, but I would most likely be the only girl from all the places I checked around here, and I thought about taking theater or whatever, but I'm not open enough for that.

I have a habit of picking out all my imperfections and thinking no one would ever like me physically with those. I know it might not be true, but I never have anyone come up to me, so I figure there must be something wrong with me or I'm not attractive enough. I find it hard to believe anyone I like would be attracted to me.

The Anti-Monitor said:
Almond, why are you so sure you won't be succesful?
Click to expand...

I just don't think I will be. I've only had people I'm not physically attracted to be attracted to me, that I know of.
 
Almond said:
I thought about taking some type of martial arts class, but I would most likely be the only girl from all the places I checked around here, and I thought about taking theater or whatever, but I'm not open enough for that.

I have a habit of picking out all my imperfections and thinking no one would ever like me physically with those. I know it might not be true, but I never have anyone come up to me, so I figure there must be something wrong with me or I'm not attractive enough. I find it hard to believe anyone I like would be attracted to me.



I just don't think I will be. I've only had people I'm not physically attracted to be attracted to me, that I know of.
Click to expand...

Asking out a girl can be intimidating, especially if it's not in a party or something like that. How often do you go out?

I haven't seen you, but there's a fairly good chance you overexaggerate your flaws, same way Nose McNosington does. A lot of people see themselves in a much more critical way than anyone else does.
 
Idde said:
Unfortunately...this is my situation. I'd like to have a girlfriend, but I've had difficulty planning dates because I'm really busy. I work 25 hours a week, study 25 hours, work out two or three times, go salsadancing one evening and kickboxing another...And I still have other friends/family I also want to spend time with. So unless some girl actually blows my socks off, I simply have no time for her, because the things taking up my time are to awesome to blow of.
Click to expand...

So 50 hours combined work/study and a normal social life. A lot of other people make that work.

The above work/life load doesn't seem like an enough for a valid excuse.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
Asking out a girl can be intimidating, especially if it's not in a party or something like that. How often do you go out?

I haven't seen you, but there's a fairly good chance you overexaggerate your flaws, same way Nose McNosington does. A lot of people see themselves in a much more critical way than anyone else does.
Click to expand...

Erm some people just never get hit on and for someone with a lack of confidence in his seducing skills, it may seem that no one finds him attractive, thus reinforcing the negative view one shares about himself.

For years I was adamant I was ugly. Not because I really am (that's up for debate) but simply because I grew up around people who would constantly tell me how ugly I was. It's not something you can easily shrug off.

As you told him, asking a girl out is intimidating the first time, and the more you practice (And learn that everyone gets rejected), the less it is, the better you get at it, but those first few times? They are excruciatingly painfull for anyone who doesn't believe in himself. And no amount of getting fit/taking dancing lesson can fix those mental flaws without proper counselling. Improving yourself isn'T only about improving your body image and personality projection, it's also about seeking the help you may need for a (short) while.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
Asking out a girl can be intimidating, especially if it's not in a party or something like that. How often do you go out?

I haven't seen you, but there's a fairly good chance you overexaggerate your flaws, same way Nose McNosington does. A lot of people see themselves in a much more critical way than anyone else does.
Click to expand...

I don't really go out. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drugs, and I don't like clubs/bars/parties. That is why I am going back to school, to get out around more people.

I don't think I'm the ugliest person in the world, it's hard to explain.

Fularu said:
Erm some people just never get hit on and for someone with a lack of confidence in his seducing skills, it may seem that no one finds him attractive, thus reinforcing the negative view one shares about himself.

For years I was adamant I was ugly. Not because I really am (that's up for debate) but simply because I grew up around people who would constantly tell me how ugly I was. It's not something you can easily shrug off.

As you told him, asking a girl out is intimidating the first time, and the more you practice (And learn that everyone gets rejected), the less it is, the better you get at it, but those first few times? They are excruciatingly painfull for anyone who doesn't believe in himself. And no amount of getting fit/taking dancing lesson can fix those mental flaws without proper counselling. Improving yourself isn'T only about improving your body image and personality projection, it's also about seeking the help you may need for a (short) while.
Click to expand...

Just to clarify, I'm the girl. I believe I can't ask anyone out unless I was pretty sure they already liked me that way, but maybe I can make some changes.
 
Almond said:
Just to clarify, I'm the girl. I believe I can't ask anyone out unless I was pretty sure they already liked me that way, but maybe I can make some changes.
Click to expand...
I haven't met a single guy who wasn't happy a girl asked him out. Hell I wish girls would do it :P
 
I've been pretty unsuccessful with finding single girls on campus, they're either married or already in a relationship. Gotta admit I'm picky and don't wanna waste my time on some trash. I can easily detect quality from distance, but no luck yet 0-15. Sometimes I even impress myself with the whole social anxiety going on. I've managed to extensively talk to 15 girls in just 3 weeks, some even proposed to marry me. I should get more aggressive and close my eyes on not having a lucrative job and simply have fun.
 
Anyone have any low-ish cost methods of reducing acne around the mouth/chin. I'm suffering from this right now and it feels like an absolute death sentence for my confidence.
 
Cubsfan23 said:
It is true with your subconscious. That's why when you wake up from dreaming, you think it's real until you conscious mind takes over and says it wasn't real.

But your subconscious holds your beliefs and habits, so when it comes to creating anything, all you have to do is convince it that it is true..........Is it hard to convince if you've been telling yourself the opposite for years? Yes, but you just have to stay committed to the process. There are also ways to get rid of the negative belief, and make it easier to install the positive..........


So the harder way to change is to just bombard yourself with the positive, and drown the negative out.

The easy way is to get rid of it, then install the positive. This way is better because it's like cleaning your hard drive and starting over.
Click to expand...

You make a sound concept sound borderline insane.

I consciously try to positively reinforce myself, my subconscious does the exact opposite.

Almond said:
I thought about taking some type of martial arts class, but I would most likely be the only girl from all the places I checked around here, and I thought about taking theater or whatever, but I'm not open enough for that.

I have a habit of picking out all my imperfections and thinking no one would ever like me physically with those. I know it might not be true, but I never have anyone come up to me, so I figure there must be something wrong with me or I'm not attractive enough. I find it hard to believe anyone I like would be attracted to me.



I just don't think I will be. I've only had people I'm not physically attracted to be attracted to me, that I know of.
Click to expand...

You just seem to have poor self-image, I bet you're a decent looker in person. I know about the imperfections thing, I got plenty of those and have a severe tendency to dwell that borders on mental illness.

I highly doubt you're crazy like I am.

Fularu said:
I haven't met a single guy who wasn't happy a girl asked him out. Hell I wish girls would do it :P
Click to expand...

Yeah :(
 
Aurongel said:
Anyone have any low-ish cost methods of reducing acne around the mouth/chin. I'm suffering from this right now and it feels like an absolute death sentence for my confidence.
Click to expand...
Crush up some aspirin into a powder, add a little bit of water so the powder becomes a paste, and then apply the paste onto your acne before you go to bed.

Then in the morning just wash off the dried aspirin paste off with some water and your acne shouldn't be too noticeable.
 
Fularu said:
I haven't met a single guy who wasn't happy a girl asked him out. Hell I wish girls would do it :P
Click to expand...

TheSchwab_7 said:
It would make my day if a girl came up to me and asked me out, even if she wasn't attractive or anything. That never happens.
Click to expand...

Etrian Oddity said:
Yeah, this shit needs to change. Can't have your cake and eat it....
Click to expand...

So, it wouldn't matter if she was ugly/fat/unattractive?



NotTheGuyYouKill said:
You just seem to have poor self-image, I bet you're a decent looker in person. I know about the imperfections thing, I got plenty of those and have a severe tendency to dwell that borders on mental illness.

I highly doubt you're crazy like I am.
Click to expand...

Maybe. It's the main thing that keeps me from talking to people.
 
Almond said:
So, it wouldn't matter if she was ugly/fat/unattractive?
Click to expand...
I would be lying if I were to say that it did not matter to some degree when it comes to asking guys out.

But there are different levels of attractiveness and it is different for each guy. For all you know you could be an "8" to one guy and a "6" to another on the so called "1 to 10 attractiveness scale".

As for being fat, again some guys are into large girls with some extra cushion and others are into really scrawny girls. And there's the rest of us who prefer a girl who is somewhere in between those two extremes.

Maybe. It's the main thing that keeps me from talking to people.
Click to expand...
I was like this to some degree a couple of months ago. Basically I had to teach myself how to not think about myself and instead focus all my attention on the person I am talking to and realize that the person that I am talking to (whether it be a guy or girl) is just as human as I am.
 
Well, apparently I have found a girl who not only shares a ton of my interests, is funny and cute put who also is sexual enough to almost but even me to shame.

I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I feel totally amazing!
 
Klyka said:
Well, apparently I have found a girl who not only shares a ton of my interests, is funny and cute but who also is sexual enough to almost but even me to shame.

I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I feel totally amazing!
Click to expand...

tumblr_lklu989zlp1qj0zk3o1_500.gif
 
Klyka said:
Well, apparently I have found a girl who not only shares a ton of my interests, is funny and cute but who also is sexual enough to almost but even me to shame.

I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I feel totally amazing!
Click to expand...

6l5If.gif


So did ask her out or what's going on?
 
FelixOrion said:


So did ask her out or what's going on?
Click to expand...

I met her on OKC about 3 weeks ago. Last Friday we met for our first date.
Went to a carnival in town, had a ton of fun, took a walk through the city and ended in a café.
I brought her to her bus stop and we kissed goodbye with her almost not letting go of me, haha.
Now we are meeting again on Wednesday evening. In the mean time we had some really great Skype calls, played Portal 2 co-op and figured out that we madly want to bone each other. XD
 
Almond said:
I don't really go out. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drugs, and I don't like clubs/bars/parties. That is why I am going back to school, to get out around more people.

I don't think I'm the ugliest person in the world, it's hard to explain.



Just to clarify, I'm the girl. I believe I can't ask anyone out unless I was pretty sure they already liked me that way, but maybe I can make some changes.
Click to expand...
Uhm, is there any reason you don't like them? You don't really get asked out often outside of that. Also, I don't like to lie and since I haven't seen you I'm not going to say anything about your looks, but I'd bet you're way more critical than you should be.

Don't be afraid to ask anyone out. At worst, it'll be like not asking. Guys love it when they get attention, since they are usually the ones giving it. A guy who might have never had the guts to ask you out would love it if you made the first step.

Devolution said:
Not so sure about this one.
Click to expand...
Personally, I believe girls are generally more critical of their own appearance, and guys are more critical of potential partners' appearance.

Klyka said:
Well, apparently I have found a girl who not only shares a ton of my interests, is funny and cute but who also is sexual enough to almost but even me to shame.

I didn't think I'd ever see the day. I feel totally amazing!
Click to expand...

Same girl you had talked to us before?

I assume those were some naughty Skype calls.
 
Klyka said:
I met her on OKC about 3 weeks ago. Last Friday we met for our first date.
Went to a carnival in town, had a ton of fun, took a walk through the city and ended in a café.
I brought her to her bus stop and we kissed goodbye with her almost not letting go of me, haha.
Now we are meeting again on Wednesday evening. In the mean time we had some really great Skype calls, played Portal 2 co-op and figured out that we madly want to bone each other. XD
Click to expand...

You lucky fucking bastard.

Fuck you!

Congrats.
 
btw, we went on this ride together http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLq4VHuSrw4

so if you want to make girls fall for you, go on crazy rides!
also win them a cute plushdog at the shooting range.
and good god people, physical contact is a must, you can squeeze it in SO much without it feeling wrong, it's awesome. Girls will love it!
 
shanshan310 said:
Me too. See: responses in every thread featuring a female in the OP.
Click to expand...

I think what he's saying though... is that girls can become overly obsessed over image when the guy might not even care. My ex definitely had weight problems in her head, but I was 100% fine with her body. I straight up told her that but it didn't seem to matter. Some girls definitely think they need to be straight up skinny when a ton of guys don't like that or would prefer a little meat.
 
Klyka said:
btw, we went on this ride together http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLq4VHuSrw4

so if you want to make girls fall for you, go on crazy rides!
also win them a cute plushdog at the shooting range.
and good god people, physical contact is a must, you can squeeze it in SO much without it feeling wrong, it's awesome. Girls will love it!
Click to expand...

WTF yea I can't do those rides anymore. I went on a ride many levels below that intensity and I got nauseous real quick..
 
I really have issues moving things to the next level. Or rather I don't know how to do it which has caused me problems. Been seeing this girl for a month now and things are great. We talk pretty much every day and see each other often. I can tell that thee is something here and now I want to continue on. But I have absolutely no idea how to do it.
 
So I got a girl's # this past Saturday outside the club. I did the 3 day rule I suppose. Text asking her out acceptable or should I just call her?
 
CherryWoodFuton said:
WTF yea I can't do those rides anymore. I went on a ride many levels below that intensity and I got nauseous real quick..
Click to expand...

The ride wasn't really my thing, but she said she wanted to test if I have balls.
I told her this time she could choose the ride, but next time I'd choose the ride for her with a sly smile. She had a good laugh and blew me a kiss.
 
Klyka said:
I met her on OKC about 3 weeks ago. Last Friday we met for our first date.
Went to a carnival in town, had a ton of fun, took a walk through the city and ended in a café.
I brought her to her bus stop and we kissed goodbye with her almost not letting go of me, haha.
Now we are meeting again on Wednesday evening. In the mean time we had some really great Skype calls, played Portal 2 co-op and figured out that we madly want to bone each other. XD
Click to expand...

I'm jealous. But congrats man good luck.
 
Well I think I'm finally going to start dating someone again.

My last girlfriend broke up with me at the end of May last year. Ever since then it's been a string of casual flings and one night stands, as the thought of actually dating and getting close to someone else made me panic that I might miss out on a phantasmal chance to reunite with the ex.

Recently though, I reconnected with a girl I knew way back in high school. We'd never dated and we were barely friends back then, but now we've been getting on very well. Early on she made it pretty clear that she was hoping that things would lead somewhere between us, but I told her straight out that I just wasn't ready for it.

She was okay with that though, and didn't just flat-out drop me. That made me take notice. Then, the other day we were both at a party, and multiple guys were hitting on her, and I felt jealous, and it made me realize that I do have feelings for this girl.

The party wasn't the right time to make a move, but I did tell her sort of how I felt, and we're going to meet up on Thursday and talk it out.

I don't need any advice or anything, but this seemed like a good place to tell that story. Wish me luck, guys :)
 
Atramental said:
I would be lying if I were to say that it did not matter to some degree when it comes to asking guys out.

But there are different levels of attractiveness and it is different for each guy. For all you know you could be an "8" to one guy and a "6" to another on the so called "1 to 10 attractiveness scale".

As for being fat, again some guys are into large girls with some extra cushion and others are into really scrawny girls. And there's the rest of us who prefer a girl who is somewhere in between those two extremes.


I was like this to some degree a couple of months ago. Basically I had to teach myself how to not think about myself and instead focus all my attention on the person I am talking to and realize that the person that I am talking to (whether it be a guy or girl) is just as human as I am.
Click to expand...

I know looks matter to some degree and it's different for everyone, I just have a hard time figuring out where I fall into place.

I've read about your struggles in this thread, and I agree with what you said, I just need to work on it.

Etrian Oddity said:
Also, girls are way more critical about appearance than guys are, so a "fat" or "ugly" girl may in fact be quite attractive.
Click to expand...

Are you saying more critical about their own appearance or more critical of a guys?

The Anti-Monitor said:
Uhm, is there any reason you don't like them? You don't really get asked out often outside of that. Also, I don't like to lie and since I haven't seen you I'm not going to say anything about your looks, but I'd bet you're way more critical than you should be.

Don't be afraid to ask anyone out. At worst, it'll be like not asking. Guys love it when they get attention, since they are usually the ones giving it. A guy who might have never had the guts to ask you out would love it if you made the first step.
Click to expand...

I don't like large, noisy crowds of people or places crammed with people. Being around that many people drains me. I mean, it never happened all of high school, college or at work, except for those two times, but maybe it's my fault.



I'll take what you've all said into consideration, thanks.
 
Almond said:
Are you saying more critical about their own appearance or more critical of a guys?
Click to expand...
Both, but particularly to the former. The younger a girl is the pickier she is about a guy's appearance (and I don't think many would argue that); but a girl's self-esteem is related to how pretty she feels, and she feels pretty based on the reactions of others. As others said, it's the reason why a lot of girls just don't believe others when they're told they look just fine.

Also, if you're that darned insecure about yourself, PM me a picture and I'll tell you whether or not you need to just shut up about your insecurities. ;p
 
Etrian Oddity said:
Both, but particularly to the former. The younger a girl is the pickier she is about a guy's appearance (and I don't think many would argue that); but a girl's self-esteem is related to how pretty she feels, and she feels pretty based on the reactions of others. As others said, it's the reason why a lot of girls just don't believe others when they're told they look just fine.

Also, if you're that darned insecure about yourself, PM me a picture and I'll tell you whether or not you need to just shut up about your insecurities. ;p
Click to expand...

Wanted to agree with you on this, and congratulate you on your 1,000 post coming up.
 
Story:

A couple months back I meet a girl who runs in the same social circles as I do. We talked it up, I figured out she lives an hour away and is a nurse so has a really crazy work schedule so didn't really press it. We've been talking on and off for that time and I haven't really had the inclination to push it forward.

Jump to this weekend. I'm passed out at 2 am and I get five phone calls from her along with a text basically saying I need a designated driver and could I come pick her up. Keep in mind I've hung out with this girl once and that was in a group of people. So today she asked me why I haven't been talking to her as much this week and I told her that I was freaked out by that.

GAF am I in the wrong here? I feel like five missed calls and a text at 2 am when I barely know a person is a bit much. It's sad but I think if I liked her more I wouldn't have minded as much.
 
Klyka said:
During Portal 2 co-op she asked "How awesome would portals be for masturbation?" and we coined the phrase "Now you're banging with portals!"

I like her A LOT.
Click to expand...

Damn that's awesome! I wish I could meet a girl who was interested in video games and shit I liked. At least interested, she doesn't have to like it. Last girl who saw my giant Halo Reach poster thought it was "gay" and thought video games were for kids.
 
ThLunarian said:
Well I think I'm finally going to start dating someone again.

My last girlfriend broke up with me at the end of May last year. Ever since then it's been a string of casual flings and one night stands, as the thought of actually dating and getting close to someone else made me panic that I might miss out on a phantasmal chance to reunite with the ex.

Recently though, I reconnected with a girl I knew way back in high school. We'd never dated and we were barely friends back then, but now we've been getting on very well. Early on she made it pretty clear that she was hoping that things would lead somewhere between us, but I told her straight out that I just wasn't ready for it.

She was okay with that though, and didn't just flat-out drop me. That made me take notice. Then, the other day we were both at a party, and multiple guys were hitting on her, and I felt jealous, and it made me realize that I do have feelings for this girl.

The party wasn't the right time to make a move, but I did tell her sort of how I felt, and we're going to meet up on Thursday and talk it out.

I don't need any advice or anything, but this seemed like a good place to tell that story. Wish me luck, guys :)
Click to expand...
Best of luck to you, my man! Hope everything works out and that you end up having a great time with her.

Dragon said:
Story:

A couple months back I meet a girl who runs in the same social circles as I do. We talked it up, I figured out she lives an hour away and is a nurse so has a really crazy work schedule so didn't really press it. We've been talking on and off for that time and I haven't really had the inclination to push it forward.

Jump to this weekend. I'm passed out at 2 am and I get five phone calls from her along with a text basically saying I need a designated driver and could I come pick her up. Keep in mind I've hung out with this girl once and that was in a group of people. So today she asked me why I haven't been talking to her as much this week and I told her that I was freaked out by that.

GAF am I in the wrong here? I feel like five missed calls and a text at 2 am when I barely know a person is a bit much. It's sad but I think if I liked her more I wouldn't have minded as much.
Click to expand...
I think you're overreacting.

She was drunk, and needed a ride. Obviously she wasn't in the right mindset to think about whether or not 5 calls and a text was too much. I've done the same when I'm drunk. Call me crazy, but I don't see anything wrong here.
 
Ah, the downside of texting. Had first meeting...a few days later, exchanged a few texts, then asked to make plans around when she said she's free...a day later still no reply. This happens every once and a while and I wouldn't mind hearing if anyone has a rule of thumb to deal with it.

Whether she's gotten cold feet, found someone more interest, biding her time to see how other plans go etc. isn't really the issue here. I just don't like having a day tied up in limbo due to a girl I barely know, nor do I want to seem like an impatient prick by making plans on the day I suggested seeing her. How long do you wait before making other plans? Or do you send another text...?
 
Wow I am crashing pretty hard tonight...

Was my birthday and my inbox was filled from personalized video and e-cards from my ex that she signed me up for when we were dating. That sucked. And then her hotmail started sending me spam so I shot her a fb message telling her to change her password and not even a "thanks." This makes it 2.5 months without contact from her. I even thought at one point that she was going to say happy birthday at least...

Damn...
 
hawkshockey11 said:
Wow I am crashing pretty hard tonight...

Was my birthday and my inbox was filled from personalized video and e-cards from my ex that she signed me up for when we were dating. That sucked. And then her hotmail started sending me spam so I shot her a fb message telling her to change her password and not even a "thanks." This makes it 2.5 months without contact from her. I even thought at one point that she was going to say happy birthday at least...

Damn...
Click to expand...

Not even a happy-birthday? Well she sounds like a fucking jerk, so you're probably better off.

By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAWKSHOCKEY!
 
hawkshockey11 said:
Wow I am crashing pretty hard tonight...

Was my birthday and my inbox was filled from personalized video and e-cards from my ex that she signed me up for when we were dating. That sucked. And then her hotmail started sending me spam so I shot her a fb message telling her to change her password and not even a "thanks." This makes it 2.5 months without contact from her. I even thought at one point that she was going to say happy birthday at least...

Damn...
Click to expand...


childrens-birthday-cakes9.jpg
 
hawkshockey11 said:
Wow I am crashing pretty hard tonight...

Was my birthday and my inbox was filled from personalized video and e-cards from my ex that she signed me up for when we were dating. That sucked. And then her hotmail started sending me spam so I shot her a fb message telling her to change her password and not even a "thanks." This makes it 2.5 months without contact from her. I even thought at one point that she was going to say happy birthday at least...

Damn...
Click to expand...

Obligatory

Ccxhr.gif
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Dating app could be in trouble, and here's what may take their place
40
2K
AJUMP23 replied
Anyone here look and feel younger than their age?
2
86
3K
Hazzard4life replied
I had a surprisingly nice Warner Bros night
1
597
Vyse replied
Am I being pathetic here
43
467
kpopSuperstar replied
I'm tired of being the nice guy at work.
2 3 4
153
10K
IlGialloMondadori replied
Top Bottom