Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
iRAWRasaurus
Banned
Hey Gaf, it has been awhile since I have been on a date. Last time I have dated someone it ended pretty bad and I believe its still haunts me today. I am sure I have lost all confidences in myself..and always am negative now. I have read tho some tips to improve myself but I could use some words of encouragements : /
http://http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/562150_10151725795080364_1659674217_n.jpg
Rate me please? azn dude on the right :/
http://http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/562150_10151725795080364_1659674217_n.jpg
Rate me please? azn dude on the right :/
Did you source Tal-Ben Shahar's Positive Psychology lectures? Didn't think so.
Something you need to understand is that you have learned to be helpless.
Edit: It contains a lot of good stuff. This pit of negativity you have isn't new to you, sorry to say. Believe it or not you're not the only one. Why don't you have a listen to some professors of psychology talk about proven methods of improving your life? They cover aspects such as dating and interpersonal relationships, how to get more out of your work life and how to deal with stress and anxiety. If you're unconvinced why don't you check this out as an introduction. Professor Martin Seligman introduces Positive Psychology.
hawkshockey11
Banned
What happened? You didn't fuck shit up at that party I presume.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
I really wish I was better at talking to people when I'm out by myself. I literally have no idea how to initiate a conversation with a person I might be interested in, or at least initiated without coming off with my usual nervous stutter. Seriously, I know earlier on in the thread I mentioned I'm an actor and I really don't stutter on stage, but when I'm talking with someone I don't know and/or that I'm interested in, I stutter like crazy and I lose my confidence. I feel pretty worthless right now, but I don't want to drag the thread into more of pity party. Just wanted it vent a touch.
Nope. I went to the party (came early because I was good friends with the dude and he asked me to), talked with friends and had a pretty good time, then all the girls showed up, and then nothing happened as usual. I basically became a room decoration for the most part I'm guessing to them I'm guessing. Completely non-existent.
Fuck it.
hawkshockey11
Banned
I don't know if this is helpful for you but I really animate my face, body and tone when talking to someone. Raise your eyebrows a lot, tilt your head randomly while talking. It somehow gives a confidence boost to yourself and it makes things a lot funnier than they really are. Basically work on delivery of everything you say, the content won't even matter all that much if you look like what you are saying is really funny or interesting.
Shit man. You went though and that is a positive. You are at least getting yourself out there. You really need to throw yourself into conversations. Did you drink a little to get rid of anxiety?
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Well, I mean once I get into a conversation (with anyone), I think I can hold my own/do a decent job. I just can't fucking start them, is my thing.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Cold starts are hard for almost everyone. I don't think I would be able to walk up to a stranger and have a decent conversation. Are you trying to talk to people at parties? or just normal social events?
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Parties, open air concerts, idk. I mean, place where I 'think' my chances would be good to talk to women in particular I've been focusing on, but its just not in me. It also sucks that even just looking through the crowd, if a woman isn't with a guy, she's in her own little group of female friends and as a lone guy that feels even harder to initiate a conversation through. But then again, what do I know?
Nah I couldn't, I was driving. Plus I'm not really anxious or anything, it's just that women seem to be more interested in talking to other guys.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Yeah, I do not have good experience with initiating conversation either. Pretty much every girl I know or dated I met through forced contact (school, work, clubs) That might have to be the route you go.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Which is even worse since I go to a school that is 75% men and everyone at work is taken, to the very best of my knowledge (plus, work place dating is kinda off-limits/taboo in my book, but that's besides the point).
hawkshockey11
Banned
Yeah but girls usually know other girls. Just start spinning a social web. It may include people that are taken but it gives you more opportunity to know people and sometimes just asking someone if they know so and so along with an innocent story about said person is enough to break the ice.
Most I have done as far as work relationships is a FWB thing. It's fun and it works pretty well.
Raitosaito
Member
This may sound really shitty but joining a church or some kind of group activity like fencing has basically let me skip the barrier of having to start a conversation with a girl, since we're kind of trapped talking to each other.
Basically, expand your circle.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
I've been trying to throw lines out through friends, seeing if they know anyone good for me or whatever, for a long while with no luck whatsoever.
And I'm not really into FWB stuff, it doesn't still well with me.
I do go to one, but it is made almost nothing but couples. I am basically the one single person (at least my rough age group). I do get involved with like theatre groups and stuff, and that's spun some good friendships through conversation because I can also talk with some more outgoing cast members, but hardly any romantic progress. Idk, I know I need to get more involved with some stuff, just hard to find stuff like that to do.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Just keep doing it. Don't even ask if people know someone for you to date, just start making friends. Those friends can include taken people. Sooner or later something will fall into your arms.
Yeah I never thought I would be in one and I was really cautious because I know they usually end badly. Everything just seems to work for some reason as is for us.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
It's all I really can do, I just get really frustrated with having to wait so long for anything to happen. I know it doesn't happen overnight, but I have a history of failure to launch in this area, and I just want it to change for the better for once. I know I need to be the one to fix it and it takes time, but I hate that it takes so much time. I also I should really never compare myself to others, but I see that so many of my friends are so well experienced in dating and I'm, well, not at all and it just kinda puts me on edge.
And if you're okay with that relation ship, that's fine, I don't judge. The type of relationship, though, is out of bounds for me. It's more the concept behind it for me. I wouldn't ever consider it, but that's me.
Anyways, enough pity party.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Nothing good happens instantly. It might take a year of web building, but it will all be worth it as you will be making a lot of connections and living a happy life in the meantime. Just be a nice, outgoing, non-judgmental person and things will end better than you can imagine. Just be patient.
Yeah it is so easy to compare yourself to others and even make personal changes to try an get in on others' success. I personally became a little bit of an asshole to cash in on some of the fun assholes seem to always have. It worked but I felt dirty and went back to being myself.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Yeah, I know. I just feel like I've been patient forever and I'm not getting anything in return, as selfish as that may sound. It's just hard to keep being patient for something that has shown little signs of actually happening, you know?
Did you like... try to talk to them? Or did you just assume they didn't want to talk to you because they didn't approach you, so you didn't approach any of them?
Z
ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
This. Go out there and try other activities and meet new people so it expands your social circle and also a more higher chance of meeting someone you have in common and could go dating with. It's one of the best things to do.
My.....my Girlfriend messaged me on Okcupid and that's how we got together....
Sorry!
I signed up for okc about a year ago, and it was a fantastic decision. I messaged back and forth with women, and learned how to set up a date. It was good practice. I made mistakes at first, and honestly, I'm still not so smooth, but now at least I'm passable in that regard.
Every step of the way I was just pleased to be doing something different. I could feel a steady improvement as I went on more dates. At first, I was a nervous wreck. But after a few times, I had vastly improved.
For the past three months or so, i've been dating a girl I met on okc. I'm pretty happy with the results. Heck, it would have been worth it even if it didn't get me a relationship. I met a bunch of people, and I felt like I improved a bunch of skills.
I'd also mention that I pretty much never messaged anyone. I probably should have been more proactive, but just responding to the occasional message I received was enough for me. Over the year, I might have sent 10 unsolicited messages and received 30.
I'm sure my experience is not everyone's, but it was great for me.
You're over thinking it and probably getting into your own head. If you're at a social situation people are expecting to be talked to so just go up and talk to them. It doesn't need to be the world's best question or conversation topic. I'm also an organic conversationalist and have issues finding a good leaping off point -- so now I just start talking to someone like I've decided to change the subject on a conversation we're already having.
Also make sure to be calm, relaxed and talk slow. You can easily come off as the creepy dude if you come up with a gigantic smile, talk in a higher pitched voice with tense muscles at a mile a minute.
Omegasquash
Member
There are TONS of things that you can do in a situation like that to make yourself stand out, but honestly...
Good job getting out there.
I just read an article in GQ on how to own a party as a friend of the host, so that makes me wonder if you're subscribed to anything like that. Men's Health, Men's Journal, all that good stuff. It's full of tips and tricks to better yourself, approach women with confidence, and so forth.
I know you feel like doo-doo now, but keep your head up, look at this as a learning experience. Also, have a drink or two next time and plan to stay late enough to let it settle. One beer when the party kicks off will be out of your system good and proper after a few hours. Just bear in mind the legal limit, and limits of your own as well.
So, question:
You said you enjoyed the party and then the girls/women showed up and didn't talk to you.
Did you still enjoy the party though? Did you talk to the guys there? Did you do anything or did you just sit there, not talking to anyone, only listening and having a bad time?
GAF is fairly anti-cheating (which isn't a bad thing, neccessarily), but let me give you another perspective; How often does she bring up her BF in conversations? That should be a good indicator of how she views you.
If the BF is brought up/injected into convos regularly, then yeah, you've been friendzoned, and she's "using" you to fill the male-companionship void left by her long distance BF. That's what ladies do when they're happy in a relationship...they make sure to inject their BF into convos whenever possible.
But if she rarely, if ever, brings up her BF, then you might have a chance.
Definitely.
If you're just a regular, non-manager employee at a retail store/restaurant, then it doesn't really matter if you date another co-worker. It happens all the time. Now if you work at a "professional" business, then I'd be hesistant to dip your pen in the company ink.
Have any of you tried eHarmony? I thought one of its selling points was that it matches you with someone, rather than having to message tons of different ladies, hoping for some responses. Or if you're a lady, you don't get bombarded with messages from dudes.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
That's a sufficient ice breaker.
"Hey, how's the beer?"
"It's pretty good/bad. Try some."
"Nah I'm driving tonight. I heard that stuff is weak though."
Just be creative, and understand that when people are drinking, you can basically say/do anything and laugh it off.
Damn it guys, I know I decided I should wait until this class is over to ask my lab partner out, but she's not making it easy.
Within a day of knowing her she'd already offered to drive me home from this class and another one we share (which she sits beside me in) instead of taking the bus.
Next day I got her number without even asking, and we spent a couple hours texting back and forth before bed and every night since then.
I'm liking her more and more as I get to know her, think I'll just see where this goes and hope I don't fuck anything up.
Within a day of knowing her she'd already offered to drive me home from this class and another one we share (which she sits beside me in) instead of taking the bus.
Next day I got her number without even asking, and we spent a couple hours texting back and forth before bed and every night since then.
I'm liking her more and more as I get to know her, think I'll just see where this goes and hope I don't fuck anything up.
Omegasquash
Member
Do it right now. Ask her if she wants to grab dinner tonight.
Vermillion
Banned
Have your friends introduce you to girls. Works rather well.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Make a move now. She could not be more obvious about her intentions.
While the usual smart advice is to wait, she's being really forward and you should go for it while the tension is hot. Don't wait until this potentially fizzles out to make a move.
None of my friends have ever really done that.
I think it would be a good way of feeling more comfortable chatting to people in general, but it never happens.
Ah well... :/
The Antitype
Banned
Been texting this girl back and forth, and I swear to God trying to make a conversation out of this is like trying to get blood from a stone.
I don't know if she just gives her number out like candy, even to dudes she doesn't feel like talking to, or if she just has the personality of a brick.
WyndhamPrice
Member
So last night started out pretty lame because the bar that me and my ex went to (it's been nearly a year since the break up, we're good friends and we've established there's no going back to what we had) was pretty goddamn empty until like 11:30.
Then shit got crazy. She left early, a whole mess of my friends showed up, we were dancing, and I wound up hooking up with this girl at the bar like 5 minutes after I got her name (friend of a friend).
The night went on, I had a lot of fun, and before I could get anyone's number the group she was with did what groups of girls often do: one says "we gotta go!" and then they all disappear like a white wolf into the street.
I don't regret it. A win is a win.
Then shit got crazy. She left early, a whole mess of my friends showed up, we were dancing, and I wound up hooking up with this girl at the bar like 5 minutes after I got her name (friend of a friend).
The night went on, I had a lot of fun, and before I could get anyone's number the group she was with did what groups of girls often do: one says "we gotta go!" and then they all disappear like a white wolf into the street.
I don't regret it. A win is a win.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I think you should try to throw together something spontaneous along the lines of:
"Wanna go grab a coffe?"/"Wanna go to the beach?"/whatever activity that is easy to get into and a conversation starter.
Vermillion
Banned
I had a similar situation with this girl that gave me her number on PoF a couple of weeks ago. Goddamn waste of time if they can't even remember your name, who you are and what you look like.
LordPhoque
Banned
Seen this girl at a party tonight. We didn't ignore each other but we barely talked. I had the feeling that she wasn't comfortable with me talking to her (I wasn't either to be honest) and she didn't come to talk with me like she always did before the "dates". Kinda sucks. I know it was a failure anyway but still... always happen to me with girls I'm genuinely interested in. Also yeah I need more friends, I just don't know how to make some. I'm very outgoing and all but I didn't go to college this year, and shitty part-time jobs with much older peopple aren't exactly the best place to make new friends when you're 23.
I still go out a lot, even on my own, but I never make new friends on these occasions. Usually I just hang with my friends who are still going to college so I know their friends too, but it's not people I'm going to see on my own, they are my friends' friends basically...
I still go out a lot, even on my own, but I never make new friends on these occasions. Usually I just hang with my friends who are still going to college so I know their friends too, but it's not people I'm going to see on my own, they are my friends' friends basically...
electricshake
Member
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
I'm actually pretty surprised and even more demoralized that so many of you guys have had a lot of success on these dating sites! I tried comforting myself with the thought that maybe every guy has this problem, I guess not haha! Confirmation I'm a mong, awesome!
Not really, I'm guessing I was a living decoration to them.
I probably could have drank a bit, but I didn't really want to as I had work today, all day.
Not really, I mean I still talked to people, but my mood definitely seemed to drop several minutes in, when I realized the same shit that always happens was happening.
Yeah, I guess so. Just wasn't feeling it after I became invisible.
They all seemed to be friends, but I wasn't really introduced.
I was, but none of the girls seemed interested in me. Even though internally my mood was going south, I was still talking to people.
You focus far too much on what you think they're thinking. Maybe you're just a bad reader of people.
It'd help if you don't constantly look at every girl as a potential relationship, as I think you've really built up and idealized this whole sort of love at first sight type reaction that doesn't really exist.
Just talk to them and don't think about relationships and don't constantly scan them for body language trying to figure out if they're interested in your romantically.
Just talk to them and don't think about relationships and don't constantly scan them for body language trying to figure out if they're interested in your romantically.
- Status