Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
Check your PMs
get off the PC and lay down/go to sleep
I was only on antipsychotics for around under 2 years and they did some permanent damage
which is amazing because the doctors had no hesitation in prescribing them
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
This is what happens to me every time I open my mouth. The words (if they were ever there to begin with) just fly out of my head.
la flama blanca
Banned
Find a hobby away from your computer and just distract yourself from yourself. Write down things that are positive about yourself and realize that killing yourself is not answer and may cause pain for other people who also suffer from the pain in their own lives.
bengraven
Member
I was so naive as a kid.
I thought that as long as I had a wife and kids who all loved me that I would never be truly depressed.
But I didn't take into consideration 18 months of unemployment in the worst state for job hunting and literally finding everything including relationships dissolving the longer I'm out of work.
I thought that as long as I had a wife and kids who all loved me that I would never be truly depressed.
But I didn't take into consideration 18 months of unemployment in the worst state for job hunting and literally finding everything including relationships dissolving the longer I'm out of work.
Going out to buy food, seeing all these gorgeous girls with their bfs, and the fact I have no one anymore and probably will forever have no one. I wish I didn't think I was so ugly and unattractive, I wish I wasn't so pudgy. I'm not obese but Im not skinny either.. I count calories but it doesn't help. I suppose I need to get back to working out but it's hard to find the enthusiasm to work out because I feel like if I didn't work out, no one will want me, and even if I do work out it's all this work just to be appreciated by someone else, which feels vain to me.
I'm just kind of average all around, and no one wants to settle for average. So I see myself looking at these people who are I guess below my average and thinking "maybe i should settle for them, I won't get anyone better" which makes me upset because it's vain and selfish.
I'm just kind of average all around, and no one wants to settle for average. So I see myself looking at these people who are I guess below my average and thinking "maybe i should settle for them, I won't get anyone better" which makes me upset because it's vain and selfish.
Fantastical
Death Prophet
God I hate the way I look. 
We're on vacation and I keep telling people I don't want to take pictures, but I finally give in and now they're on Facebook and I just hate them so much. I feel like I don't even look like everyone else, and it doesn't help that I'm beside my sister who is beautiful and my cousin who is also beautiful and then some awkward weird guy.
We're on vacation and I keep telling people I don't want to take pictures, but I finally give in and now they're on Facebook and I just hate them so much. I feel like I don't even look like everyone else, and it doesn't help that I'm beside my sister who is beautiful and my cousin who is also beautiful and then some awkward weird guy.Evolution_1ne
Banned
http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2012/07/newark_20-year-old_fatally_sho.html
now I'm fucking depressed, classmate/friend of mine
for nothing, for fucking nothing
god I fucking hate Newark
now I'm fucking depressed, classmate/friend of mine
for nothing, for fucking nothing
god I fucking hate Newark
Etrian Oddity
Member
I hate not being able to attract girls or have a sex life. I'm not hideous or that big of a social retard... I don't know what the problem is.
Sorry to hear man. The next few days are going to be rough. Just make sure you have a friend or someone you can confide to when you feel really upset. It helped me a lot in the past week.
Charoncaori
Member
Fuck, I was on seroquel around junior high or high school, among other things. I was given some bullshit diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I've been pretty sure one of the drugs I was on around puberty permanently fucked me up, I started shaking when I get excited and literally get tongue tied occasionally, maybe the seroquel was what caused it. Or maybe it was something else, but I'm still fucking furious about it. I will never fucking forgive my parents for it, either.
I can't face school in the fall. I was too fucking depressed to handle it last semester, and since my mom died I'm absolutely not going to be able to keep on top of anything in the fall. I'm just stuck.
I can't face school in the fall. I was too fucking depressed to handle it last semester, and since my mom died I'm absolutely not going to be able to keep on top of anything in the fall. I'm just stuck.
My parents are Authoritarian Parents. They expect me to obey the rules no matter what and to never ask why. If I do make a mistake, expect a major punishment. As a kid, it was spanking, grounding, and belittling. Now I do the punishing for myself. I'll feel guilty for weeks on end for the mistake I made, no matter how small. If I don't feel guilty, my parents will pick up the slack and treat me like a second class citizen. I'll have to hear about all the times I've asked for help from them in the past, or how I didn't put a plate correctly away in the dishwasher.
After a while, I'll feel guilty asking them for anything (I always feel guilty on my birthday), I'm afraid I'll fail or let them down, or I will just ignore them for as long as I can until they start yelling and telling me how bad of a son I am without actually saying it. And if I try to argue back, expect Mom or Dad to yell even louder and possibly start getting aggressive with the nearest inanimate object. It's stressful to live in a house that I feel like I'm always wrong. I've created defense mechanisms like treating relationships more like business affairs than actual relationships. Or always being on the defensive and paranoid that the nice person is just trying to get something out of me.
I've lost so many great relationships over the years because of all of this. I find it difficult to get close to people. I push away the people that want to get close to me with my perfectionism and low self-esteem. I am strong. I am down-to-earth. I am smart. I am wise. I should have a pretty happy life, but living with my parents slows my personal growth to a snails pace and each time I try to escape, my parent's guilt trips and control over me brings me right back. My trip to Ireland or my sister's decision to move in with her boyfriend of six years were hard on us. We had to deal with the constant complaining of how they don't think I'm ready or how my sister will make my family look.
I hate guilt trips, I hate hearing lies that make my parents look better and me worse, I hate double standards. I've told them all of this for years, and a few days ago we had another go around. Instead of arguing semantics or changing the topic to how your best friend is an asshole, I decided to write a note. My dad seemed sincere and somewhat apologetic to me after he read it.
My mom just argued the same points that I've heard since I was 8 years old. Do things right away. Don't argue with her. It's HER HOUSE. There was no change. She tried to explain how much she loved me more than my three sisters and how much more I got away with. She cried and tried guilt tripping me by saying how "terrible of a mother she is." She's never going to change beyond a two or three week gap. She's nicer now, but I know it won't last. It's just her throwing up a mask for a few weeks and then going back to her old ways.
I want to move out. I'm 21 years old and ready to be independent. I chomp at the bit each time I'm allowed to do things on my own, and each time I feel ten times worse when I'm back home. I feel paralyzed by depression and I start thinking about suicide. I feel worthless. I want to move out, but currently I just spent all of the money that I saved to move on car repairs.
I'll have to wait til next summer to move out and I guess my question is, how do I deal with my mom in the mean time? I don't want to deal with her anymore and it's only going to get worse with my sister's wedding. She wants to control every part of it and I know she's going to try and make me pick a side.
After a while, I'll feel guilty asking them for anything (I always feel guilty on my birthday), I'm afraid I'll fail or let them down, or I will just ignore them for as long as I can until they start yelling and telling me how bad of a son I am without actually saying it. And if I try to argue back, expect Mom or Dad to yell even louder and possibly start getting aggressive with the nearest inanimate object. It's stressful to live in a house that I feel like I'm always wrong. I've created defense mechanisms like treating relationships more like business affairs than actual relationships. Or always being on the defensive and paranoid that the nice person is just trying to get something out of me.
I've lost so many great relationships over the years because of all of this. I find it difficult to get close to people. I push away the people that want to get close to me with my perfectionism and low self-esteem. I am strong. I am down-to-earth. I am smart. I am wise. I should have a pretty happy life, but living with my parents slows my personal growth to a snails pace and each time I try to escape, my parent's guilt trips and control over me brings me right back. My trip to Ireland or my sister's decision to move in with her boyfriend of six years were hard on us. We had to deal with the constant complaining of how they don't think I'm ready or how my sister will make my family look.
I hate guilt trips, I hate hearing lies that make my parents look better and me worse, I hate double standards. I've told them all of this for years, and a few days ago we had another go around. Instead of arguing semantics or changing the topic to how your best friend is an asshole, I decided to write a note. My dad seemed sincere and somewhat apologetic to me after he read it.
My mom just argued the same points that I've heard since I was 8 years old. Do things right away. Don't argue with her. It's HER HOUSE. There was no change. She tried to explain how much she loved me more than my three sisters and how much more I got away with. She cried and tried guilt tripping me by saying how "terrible of a mother she is." She's never going to change beyond a two or three week gap. She's nicer now, but I know it won't last. It's just her throwing up a mask for a few weeks and then going back to her old ways.
I want to move out. I'm 21 years old and ready to be independent. I chomp at the bit each time I'm allowed to do things on my own, and each time I feel ten times worse when I'm back home. I feel paralyzed by depression and I start thinking about suicide. I feel worthless. I want to move out, but currently I just spent all of the money that I saved to move on car repairs.
I'll have to wait til next summer to move out and I guess my question is, how do I deal with my mom in the mean time? I don't want to deal with her anymore and it's only going to get worse with my sister's wedding. She wants to control every part of it and I know she's going to try and make me pick a side.
I almost killed myself a few years ago. I purposely tried to wreck my Jeep into a tree in the middle of nowhere, but swerved at the last second. I literally can not remember a time in my life when I didn't feel so empty. My earliest memories, 1st/2nd grade stuff, I remember feeling like a shell and people asking me why I was sad.
And the thing is, I have people that care about me, I'm a decent looking guy, I'm not an idiot, I have things I can do well and enjoy, I can pick up girls. But even during sex or playing music or games, I still feel empty, even if I'm enjoying them. I feel like a husk just floating through life. I take no pride or fulfillment in any job I've ever had. In fact, I hate all the bullshit buzz words and ass kissing that goes on to get even the most low level job. My plan has always been to eventually off myself after my mom and grandmother are dead. Everyone else can deal with it, but they couldn't. This is a plan I've had for over 12 years at this point.
And the thing is, I have people that care about me, I'm a decent looking guy, I'm not an idiot, I have things I can do well and enjoy, I can pick up girls. But even during sex or playing music or games, I still feel empty, even if I'm enjoying them. I feel like a husk just floating through life. I take no pride or fulfillment in any job I've ever had. In fact, I hate all the bullshit buzz words and ass kissing that goes on to get even the most low level job. My plan has always been to eventually off myself after my mom and grandmother are dead. Everyone else can deal with it, but they couldn't. This is a plan I've had for over 12 years at this point.
Fucking hate my mother...
She knows i'm depressed. But maybe she thinks it is momentary? She's just like: "You need to wake up and get a job or some education". WTF???
THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN I CAN BARELY BOTHER STAYING ALIVE!
I'm not going to talk to her, i've tried that but she doesn't bother even trying to understand.
So fucking insulting.
And i have no one with whom i can talk about this. I have friends but we don't talk about our own lives really, it is unspoken deal. Besides, they lack empathy... Oddly, it seems that nearly everyone i know seem to be lacking empathy.
PS don't worry about me suiciding, i have rather strong will to live. It is about the only thing i actually have...
She knows i'm depressed. But maybe she thinks it is momentary? She's just like: "You need to wake up and get a job or some education". WTF???
THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN I CAN BARELY BOTHER STAYING ALIVE!
I'm not going to talk to her, i've tried that but she doesn't bother even trying to understand.
So fucking insulting.
And i have no one with whom i can talk about this. I have friends but we don't talk about our own lives really, it is unspoken deal. Besides, they lack empathy... Oddly, it seems that nearly everyone i know seem to be lacking empathy.
PS don't worry about me suiciding, i have rather strong will to live. It is about the only thing i actually have...
I've got some sort of bipolar spectrum disorder, though it thus far hasn't followed enough of a recognizable pattern to be definitively classified. I generally cycle through being 'okay', depression and existential panic, sometimes not for months at a time, sometimes multiple times in a day. I've only had two ~week long hypomanic episodes.
Interestingly enough, I also took Abilify. It's supposedly mood stabilizing, but for a very small subset of patients it has a paradoxical effect. I started tapering up on 1mg / day (half of the lowest dose) and had to drop it after three weeks because it triggered hypomania. Luckily I recognized the signs and stopped before I had a terrible crash (endless energy, aggression, overspending money, grinding teeth, overly outgoing / feeling invincible, etc) or kept increasing my dose.
Abilify and Seroquel are the two medications I felt really fried my brain. I'm very sorry to hear that you had such a negative experience with both - as Bagels said above, they do help some people. Antipsychotics are a lot riskier than many doctors these days like to let off, though...
It's difficult to give specific advice on your relationship with your parents without being a party to your interactions with one another. Are you seeing a therapist who may be able to lend thoughts?
I can tell you this - when greeted with an unreasonable scenario, person, argument, or whatever, we tend to become unreasonable in response. It's really, really tough and frustrating, but you may be able to slowly whittle your mother to seeing eye-to-eye if you become the one who's consistently introducing reason and logic to your discussions and sticking to it. Against principled rationality emotional hysteria will eventually seem futile.
If you felt less empty and more fulfilled would you consider dropping that plan?
What happens when you try to discuss your depression with your mother? Slash, can you post an explanation of your feelings here so I can at least understand them?
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I know how hard it is to live with Authoritarian Parents. It's pretty damn hard, but, I mean, I live here for free and I don't have any bills or anything; they wash my clothes, buy food, etc. I don't feel like I have a right to feel bad when they treat me like shit.
Do you feel stuck and depressed because your mother died, or is that simply compounding the problem?
I hate not being able to attract girls or have a sex life. I'm not hideous or that big of a social retard... I don't know what the problem is.
God I hate the way I look.
There's no binary scale of beauty or attraction. Attraction isn't based on how few flaws someone has. If it is, their relationship is meaningless shit. That goes for both friendships and romantic relationships.
You're never going to shed all of your flaws. Figure out which ones you can improve upon. Motivate yourself to work on them. I generally roll my eyes when people make it sound that simple, but what you have to realize is that you can motivate with any emotion. If you really feel like shit, you might already have one of the best motivators - anger. You probably harbor tons of 'unreasonable' or 'unhealthy' anger toward yourself, people, the world, etc. Fuck it all. Use it. Use it to do anything you can. Put on music that pisses you off more. I made a playlist specifically for when I'm angry. It's intensely cathartic.
For those you can't, you'll (very) slowly have to move toward acceptance. The exertion of negative emotion and slow improvement on some flaws will bring with it a withdrawal of emotion and slow acceptance on others.
And once you stop seeing certain aspects of yourself as flaws, many others will too. Not everyone. Shallow idiots won't. But whatever, fuck them, they don't deserve your friendship anyways. The more you own yourself, the more others will assume you're right and go with it. You'll never forget about your flaws. But you can eventually become matter of fact about them, rather than ashamed of them.
Of course it sounds 'easy' on paper. I'm not trying to make it sound like it doesn't suck really hard. I can type out all of this encouraging nonsense but I still cry every few months because of my insecurities. Every time, though, it's just a little bit better. Just a tiny bit. Ever so slightly. Ever since I started using my frustration instead of bottling it up.
If you want a personal anecdote:
I have a fairly major chest deformity - a large dent in my sternum called Pectus Excavatum (IIRC). I could have gotten cosmetic surgery long ago to fix it but elected not to since it involves them breaking your sternum and reconstructing it.
I hated it for so long. I look very strange without my shirt on. I can never look 'buff' because I have a cereal bowl indent below my theoretical pecs. I hated going swimming / taking my shirt off through middle and high school.
But when I finally stopped caring as much (took until age...19, maybe, having had this problem since I was a child) everyone else did, too. I stopped being weird about it, so it stopped being weird. I started treating it as a novelty, and everyone else did, too. People are always strangely fascinated by it. Every now and then I'll get my friends to take shots out of my chest dent. I still don't like it, I still wish I could have a more traditionally masculine build, but I'm strangely glad I didn't get rid of it. At this point it's a neutral attribute rather than a negative flaw. I finally learned to just say 'fuck it'. Yeah, when I'm at the beach girls won't swoon after my naked body. But they're not the kind of people I should be hanging around anyways.
Of course, that's 1 out of 1937497 things I don't like about myself. But even a 50% improvement on just one made me a more whole person. Took forever. Pissed me off. Still pisses me off now and then.
Hope that helps...
Charoncaori
Member
It's compounding the problem. The depression has been there for a very long time, this is just making everything worse, and I can't move on because I have to deal with this stupid fucking court case surrounding the will. Like, my dad said he'd call me two weeks ago to go over some papers I have to fill out, but he didn't and I don't want to call him but I'm still freaking out about it. I'm getting a few things done, but I just can't stay on top of everything and the grief is making me feel completely hopeless. My home life is also extremely awkward and I'm pretty sure I'll be kicked out if I can't manage to go to school in the fall, which is just too close for me to deal with.
I have a really caring boyfriend, but I'm taking my frustrations out on him and seeing me hurt him in the way my mom used to hurt me is just killing me. And I'm fully aware of how selfish that is. I finally have a psych appointment this week, so at least I'll be staying on top of that, but I hardly even know where to begin anymore. I just feel like there's too much wrong with me to bother fixing.
I'm sorry for ranting.
Piano, I'm beginning to worry we're the same person. I also have pectus excavatum! I have 5 minutes to reply, so I'll just say I'm still self-conscious of it. In high school, I thought, "I'm obviously a huge nerd and if somehow I do find a girl, the first time I take my shirt off, she'll be horrified."
So, met a girl, got to that point and, deep breath...she finds it to be a loveable quirk. She says, "it's a place to rest my head!"
So, needless to say, we all tend to exaggerate our own flaws. There are certainly people who would find me much less attractive because my chest has a giant dent, but if it mattered that much to them, why the fuck would I want to be with that person?
I wish I could own my many flaws better, but I'm confident that I look okay, occasionally I think I'm capable of brief bouts of actual handsomeness. That's obviously easy to say, as I've found someone who obviously
finds me attractive, says so all the time, and actually helps me look my best (I'll readily admit that I have her pick out my clothes for work. If I had to do it, it would be dark gray suit, white shirt, boring tie. She can pick out crazy combinations for me that impress the hell out of me and land me some compliments. It's a good system). Still, I think we all have to come to terms with how we look, and frankly most of us think we look hideous (i'm floored by how many of the prettiest girls I know have eating disorders and hate their looks). And if you do meet people who think (or know) that they look incredible, they're invariably assholes.
Okay, so that took way more than five minutes. This shuttle ride usually does not take this long. Where the hell are we going?!
So, met a girl, got to that point and, deep breath...she finds it to be a loveable quirk. She says, "it's a place to rest my head!"
So, needless to say, we all tend to exaggerate our own flaws. There are certainly people who would find me much less attractive because my chest has a giant dent, but if it mattered that much to them, why the fuck would I want to be with that person?
I wish I could own my many flaws better, but I'm confident that I look okay, occasionally I think I'm capable of brief bouts of actual handsomeness. That's obviously easy to say, as I've found someone who obviously
finds me attractive, says so all the time, and actually helps me look my best (I'll readily admit that I have her pick out my clothes for work. If I had to do it, it would be dark gray suit, white shirt, boring tie. She can pick out crazy combinations for me that impress the hell out of me and land me some compliments. It's a good system). Still, I think we all have to come to terms with how we look, and frankly most of us think we look hideous (i'm floored by how many of the prettiest girls I know have eating disorders and hate their looks). And if you do meet people who think (or know) that they look incredible, they're invariably assholes.
Okay, so that took way more than five minutes. This shuttle ride usually does not take this long. Where the hell are we going?!
Bel Marduk
Banned
I don't.
She has acknowledged my depression. A couple of times. Afterwards she has seemingly forgotten it.*
How the fuck do you forget a thing like that? And no, she doesn't have any worries that are big enough (to my knowledge) that would explain her forgetting. Of course she has repeatedly shown how selective her memory is... It is typical for her to claim that she hasn't done something despite having done that.
I won't bother trying to talk about my depression with her, because i know how the discussion will play out. She'll just say "you must go to therapy". That's how it went last time we talked. No other advice, suggestions, how to go about it, offers to help me...
Nothing.
My brother is a bit more open person than me and when he was talking to Mother about getting a job, Mother did give advice and suggestions. I'm not jealous or angry at my brother at all, of course, not his fault.
But it is really insulting how she practically completly ignores me, other than telling me to do something i cannot practically do because of my depression. It is kinda hard to be motivated to do anything.
Really frustrating how the last few weeks have been good, i've been relatively happy, no feeling down. And now i'm back to how i felt earlier this year. The fact it is my own fault doesn't help. Didn't think things through and let myself feel too hopeful. I don't deal well with having my hopes crushed, even though it was very likely due to bad luck and i should have just persisted....
Next time: change first, then reaching out.
Oh and is there any know relation beetween depression and common vivid/lucid dreams?
Also, i've noticed a pattern in my emotions. Beginning of the week i feel down and as the weekend approaches, i feel better, even if i know i'm not going to be meeting any friends or doing anything special.
*EDIT gotta add, i was pretty close to suiciding, i stated something like "i guess it won't matter if i go kill myself then" after we were arguing about something, all she had to say to that was "don't be a fool" (or something like that). She didn't try to stop me or anything as i left. Wandered for, dunno, 6-9 hours, considered a few options, met a couple of random people and talked to them, felt better, went back to "home"**. She didn't seem worried at all and all she did was practically to shrug off the events of evening.
Seriously, what the fuck? Someone is clearly close to suciding or something like that, you don't just shrug that off. In retrospect, that is probably the worst insult (as i see it) i've gotten from her.
**Never felt at home here were i live. Odd, that. In retrospect, i don't feel the apartment where i spend my childhood is a home either. Never bothered me that i haven't felt at home anywhere either. Is this common?
Alcohol partially amplified how I felt last night.
I really feel like an old man trapped inside the body of a 22 year old, especially since I've yet to live my life how I've wanted to. I've simply not enjoyed myself, and I feel trapped in almost every aspect of my life. I feel like I'm growing up too fast, and that I need to "live my youth" a bit, which I haven't.
It also pissed me off last night finding out a guy who is younger than me, and less talented got into a company I applied for (one I really wanted to get into). It's a fucking joke.
Life is certainly luckier for some people, eh?
The whole situation is draining.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Seconded. No, wait, thirded.
Yeah me too and I'm 24 :/ I've wasted my youth as well, my uni days were shit when others had an amazing time. Had no social life, no friends, no experimenting, no traveling, or simply having a great time, stuff people usually do at uni. All I did was go to uni and come back home in the evening to play games or surf on the internet. When I finally got tired of that lifestyle and wanted to change that I didn't have any money and no job. Sat at home for a whole year, got one rejection after the other, felt seriously depressed.
But I'm getting a second chance with my Masters now and I'll do my best to catch up on my lost youth. Not getting a job sucks. Good luck with the job hunt Xun.
But I'm getting a second chance with my Masters now and I'll do my best to catch up on my lost youth. Not getting a job sucks. Good luck with the job hunt Xun.
la flama blanca
Banned
Fourthded
Fantastical
Death Prophet
Thanks for the encouraging words. I was having a really bad night that night too. I don't always feel that bad but every now and then I will just feel really bad about myself.
I don't get it. You are anonymous. Your alias is mooooose.
There is as an anonymous 'Confessions' thread here, don't know the last time it's been updated though.
Besides, people have been pretty open about their problems in this thread, it's not too judgemental here.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
They should set up a Depression GAF skype or tinychat or something.
Feeling... content. Might be because i'm tired (oddly, as usually whether i'm tired or not does not affect my mood much), might be just because i just played a lot with other GAFers...
Anyway, hope it'll last. Or maybe this is just my weekend mood swing, as i noted earlier, i'm usually miserable at beginning of the week and more happier as weekend approaches.
Just felt i had to write this.
Also, "Depression-GAF IRC" or something wouldn't be a bad idea.
Anyway, hope it'll last. Or maybe this is just my weekend mood swing, as i noted earlier, i'm usually miserable at beginning of the week and more happier as weekend approaches.
Just felt i had to write this.
Also, "Depression-GAF IRC" or something wouldn't be a bad idea.
Thinking about going to the doctors next week and asking to be put on a course of antidepressants, which is a big deal for me as I've always been velemently against medication, mostly thanks the therapist I used to see who reasoned very clearly why she thought it wasn't a good idea for me. I'm not super up on this but I think the attitude in the uk is to try and use therapy to solve the root causes and only use medication as a last resort, so I don't even know if I'll be prescribed anything.
This is a crucial time for me and I really can't afford to slide into a bad place again as I feel I have been doing for the last few days. I didn't go to my 2nd year uni exams (I wrote about why in this thread about 6 weeks ago and was too embarrassed to come back until now), and the resits are coming up in about 3 weeks. I've been working very hard as I want to do as well as I possibly can, I got given mitigating circumstances which means I'm taking the exams as if for the first time where as usually you can only get a max of 40% on resits. Things were going really well with preparation until the last few days which were really testing as I felt motivation issues creeping in, and then today was just a total write-off.
I was able to notice for the first time the behaviour patterns returning and this awareness allowed me to resist them for a while which I'm proud of, but it just feels like a wave that I can't fight. I find my mind constantly wandering to thoughts of suicide - nothing immediate, but more how it feels inevitable that eventually its something I'll wind up doing. I've come to believe recently that therapy has been a futile effort and my self esteem is permenantly broken. Feeling (and sucdumbing to) the need to sleep all the time, constant low mood, etc. I've been doing a lot of positive things recently like exercise and improving my eating habits, which is why it's very disheartening to be struggling like this. The major problem is I'm alone pretty much the all of the time, not leaving the house for days on end. My friends are all either home for the summer or off travelling, and I don't want to move back in with my parents.
So antidepressants it is, hopefully. Regardless of their supposed effectiveness and side effects and whatnot, I have to do something to try and put the breaks on this spiral before I end up ruining my university career for good this time.
This is a crucial time for me and I really can't afford to slide into a bad place again as I feel I have been doing for the last few days. I didn't go to my 2nd year uni exams (I wrote about why in this thread about 6 weeks ago and was too embarrassed to come back until now), and the resits are coming up in about 3 weeks. I've been working very hard as I want to do as well as I possibly can, I got given mitigating circumstances which means I'm taking the exams as if for the first time where as usually you can only get a max of 40% on resits. Things were going really well with preparation until the last few days which were really testing as I felt motivation issues creeping in, and then today was just a total write-off.
I was able to notice for the first time the behaviour patterns returning and this awareness allowed me to resist them for a while which I'm proud of, but it just feels like a wave that I can't fight. I find my mind constantly wandering to thoughts of suicide - nothing immediate, but more how it feels inevitable that eventually its something I'll wind up doing. I've come to believe recently that therapy has been a futile effort and my self esteem is permenantly broken. Feeling (and sucdumbing to) the need to sleep all the time, constant low mood, etc. I've been doing a lot of positive things recently like exercise and improving my eating habits, which is why it's very disheartening to be struggling like this. The major problem is I'm alone pretty much the all of the time, not leaving the house for days on end. My friends are all either home for the summer or off travelling, and I don't want to move back in with my parents.
So antidepressants it is, hopefully. Regardless of their supposed effectiveness and side effects and whatnot, I have to do something to try and put the breaks on this spiral before I end up ruining my university career for good this time.
Do any of you get depressed because of things in the news? Ive been feeling so bad today and I know its because of that shooting.
Earlier I just felt like crying. Sometimes I wish I could just tune things out and be like other people who think, "Oh its sad but I dont know them so I dont give much thought to it."
Earlier I just felt like crying. Sometimes I wish I could just tune things out and be like other people who think, "Oh its sad but I dont know them so I dont give much thought to it."
Can you trust people easily? It is a requirement for hypnosis to work, speficially you must trust the hypnosist.
I don't trust people easily so hypnosis cannot affect me. And even if someone whom i trust would try it, i don't calm down easily... I kinda resist any such things.
Looked at some old stuff that I shouldn't have. Now I just... sigh whatever fuck it
Yeah:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40057621&postcount=20
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40057478&postcount=10
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40058532&postcount=10
Yeah:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40057621&postcount=20
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40057478&postcount=10
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=40058532&postcount=10
SlipperySlope
Banned
Here's a question for everybody. When you fantasize about stuff, anything, what do you fantasize about?
When I was a child it was videogames. Most guys my age I think would answer sex.
This is where I differ. Outside of porn/jacking off, I have never fantasized about sex. Ever. When I pass by a hot girl, I acknowledge that she is hot. But I do not fantasize about what she would look like naked, or me having sex with her. This has never happened to me. I kinda wish it would...
All I ever fantasize about is homicide/suicide. Like that theater rampage. I've had that same exact fantasy every time I've entered a movie theater. In fact, whenever I am in a public place, I imagine what it would be like mowing everyone down. Where I would stand. Where I would aim. I go through the whole thing in my head, sometimes using my finger to point where the gun would focus.
Other fantasies regard suicide. Usually by car accident. Like I'll be driving to work, I'd imagine what it would be like to steer the car off the road and into a tree. Or off a bridge. Or into a whole mess of other cars. Or what it would be like to jump from my apartment (being only two stories, I'd probably only get really hurt...)
I get these thoughts constantly. Every time I exit my apartment I get the jumping idea. Every time I drive I get the crashing idea. Public place, rampage.
They're fantasies. I can't control them. What about you guys?
Edit - These thoughts usually go away for a while when I'm with a girl, or chatting/talking to a girl I like. Those are the only times in my life where I'm happy and have none of these thoughts.
Edit 2 - Going postal at work is another very common one.
When I was a child it was videogames. Most guys my age I think would answer sex.
This is where I differ. Outside of porn/jacking off, I have never fantasized about sex. Ever. When I pass by a hot girl, I acknowledge that she is hot. But I do not fantasize about what she would look like naked, or me having sex with her. This has never happened to me. I kinda wish it would...
All I ever fantasize about is homicide/suicide. Like that theater rampage. I've had that same exact fantasy every time I've entered a movie theater. In fact, whenever I am in a public place, I imagine what it would be like mowing everyone down. Where I would stand. Where I would aim. I go through the whole thing in my head, sometimes using my finger to point where the gun would focus.
Other fantasies regard suicide. Usually by car accident. Like I'll be driving to work, I'd imagine what it would be like to steer the car off the road and into a tree. Or off a bridge. Or into a whole mess of other cars. Or what it would be like to jump from my apartment (being only two stories, I'd probably only get really hurt...)
I get these thoughts constantly. Every time I exit my apartment I get the jumping idea. Every time I drive I get the crashing idea. Public place, rampage.
They're fantasies. I can't control them. What about you guys?
Edit - These thoughts usually go away for a while when I'm with a girl, or chatting/talking to a girl I like. Those are the only times in my life where I'm happy and have none of these thoughts.
Edit 2 - Going postal at work is another very common one.
SlipperySlope
Banned
Um... can you go into detail?
my head wont stop telling me to kill myself and im so fucking stressed and anxious
im crying and yelling and i fucking cant stand living
SlipperySlope
Banned
Seriously, go to a doctor ASAP. You need help. Or get yourself checked into a psych ward. Go seek therapy.
IT DOESNT HELP NOTHING HELPS
SlipperySlope
Banned
You're crying out for help, and I'm trying to help... but I can only do so much. Seriously consider a psych ward. Do a self check-in.
Please call this number 1-800-273-8255 (suicide hotline). Speak to someone. Or head to the hospital right now Sadsic. Seriously you deserve to live. We can't lose you or your great music.
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