Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Any reason for this comment or it just random? I believe I now owe her atleast some time for her to decide as I essentially put the ball in her park so to speak.

Our situations are really similar AnathemicOne :O. I finally confronted the girl I'd been interested in about a week ago. We'd been fooling around a little bit but she seemed to have cooled off. When I confronted her she said she needed some time to think and didn't want to do it if she didn't mean it. Since then we've set dates twice and she blew me off both times but it's first week of college and she just started working at some place so I'm ok with it, she even specifically told me that it might seem like she was blowing me off but she assured me that was not the case. I made sure to be a bit shorter and more to the point in my texts and pretty much just told her : "Bummer but busy's busy. Let me know when you do have time this week."

I'm not exactly feeling it either and I'm absolutely not waiting for her and not flirting with other girls but she's definitely still the one I'd really like to end up with so here's to hoping our situations work out ;).

I know you probably should've heard this a year ago and it's a little too late but you probably should've just moved on and still kept in touch with her. Like she said herself, seeing you with someone else might've sparked something in her. Jealousy can suddenly make "complicated" situations clear up for girls.
 
What does GAF think about acting like a goof? It makes me happy to do it, basically act like a kid and accuse girls of bullying you and develop instant 'in-jokes' but I'm starting to feel that despite making people laugh it's not a great way to build attraction.

Edit: I'm just wondering if it may be counter-productive.
 
What does GAF think about acting like a goof? It makes me happy to do it, basically act like a kid and accuse girls of bullying you and develop instant 'in-jokes' but I'm starting to feel that despite making people laugh it's not a great way to build attraction.

Edit: I'm just wondering if it may be counter-productive.

How old are you? What are you looking for? Do you act that way all the time? What else do you have going for you? So many different things could affect how this makes you look.

As a general response I would say it's okay to act like a goof very very sparingly, but if that's the perception you let people have of you then you're no longer acting like a goof. Though without more details I would just have to say avoid it altogether.
 
Had a pretty great moment yesterday.

After a week and a half of twelve hour days and training sessions (I'm an RA at my school), my department had an end of training/fall term kickoff lunch at a local place. Everyone takes this opportunity to get dressed up and eat free food.

After getting some pictures taken with my staff and general socializing I was walking back to my table and passed by this one girl that had come out to the bars with me and my friends a few times recently when our long days of training had ended. She's incredibly attractive and I don't even have a thing for Asian girls. I notice she's wearing this stunning black dress, and as I pass by without even thinking I go "that's an amazingly pretty dress, [name]" and keep going. She goes "aww, thanks!"

As I go up to my fellow staff and start talking about some dumb bullshit she comes up behind me and locks her arm with mine and starts asking me about the bowties all of the guys on my staff were wearing. I made some idiotic stretch of a joke about them being "broties" and she laughs. Next time I see her (since she'll probably be coming out with us more) I'll get her number, which honestly I should have done already.

Shutting your brain off and not thinking so damn hard about stuff does wonders sometimes.
 
How old are you? What are you looking for? Do you act that way all the time? What else do you have going for you? So many different things could affect how this makes you look.

As a general response I would say it's okay to act like a goof very very sparingly, but if that's the perception you let people have of you then you're no longer acting like a goof. Though without more details I would just have to say avoid it altogether.

Mid twenties, anything really. This was borne out of thinking about some of the meetings/conversations I've had with various women over the last week and it struck me that I'm probably more a goof then I realised. I mean I get a lot of laughs but.... I was reminded of Korra..where the serious guy is the love interest and the goof is merely there for comic effect.

I wouldn't say being funny is the only thing going for me but being funny and being an uplifting person to be around is a big part.
 
Since this I've felt a bit more confident.

I went out tonight, and I managed to chat to a group of girls, surprisingly.

Nothing major I know, but it's still progress for me.

Onwards and upwards hopefully, and I already feel like I should gain some extra muscle from the job I'm doing. It's not what I want to be doing at all since it's in a completely different industry (I only plan on doing it for a month or 2), but I guess it should give me a bit of money + tone me up a bit.

I wish I was still in college though. :( I wouldn't be so bummed out if I managed to live a little during my time at college, but I didn't at all. Is it all downhill from here? Hopefully not.
 
Xun, I think the "having fun" at college thing is a myth because I'm currently up to my eyeballs in work. Haha...

So don't get too bummed out about it because I'm currently finishing up my senior year and I haven't gone to a single party or done anything fun at my university ever since I transferred from BJU to the University of South Carolina Upstate. :P
 
Just proposed to this girl. We've been friends for much longer than we've been romantic - but wow.

Not sure how I feel. Just decided to go for it. Will update with news soon.
 
Xun, I think the "having fun" at college thing is a myth because I'm currently up to my eyeballs in work. Haha...

So don't get too bummed out about it because I'm currently finishing up my senior year and I haven't gone to a single party or done anything fun at my university ever since I transferred from BJU to the University of South Carolina Upstate. :P
Yeah, this. The only reason I can party so much is because my priorities "aren't right". I'm in my last year too and I really should focus on learning relevant stuff on the side (like level design in UDK). But the other things are important for my own well-being as well.
 
This is just a self image thing if women havent outright asked if youre gay. Now it doesnt mean youre actually gay, but its a signal that you need to rebuild your self image

I assume the problem is that my "image" takes a hit because I'm shy or not very good around women.

So do people assume men know what to do around women?
 
Poor self image is just from beliefs about yourself. The fucked up thing is most of our beliefs are from before age 6. Your brain soaks up everything and doesnt question it because you dont have a conscious mind formed yet. Your subconscious runs the show, you gotta change it.
 
Poor self image is just from beliefs about yourself. The fucked up thing is most of our beliefs are from before age 6. Your brain soaks up everything and doesnt question it because you dont have a conscious mind formed yet. Your subconscious runs the show, you gotta change it.

So is that how anxiety is formed? Social anxiety around girls. I mean if I'm put into a social situation, like forced I will sweat my ass off but eventually realize its all in my head. But when it's a choice factor I just choose to flee.
 
Social anxiety occurs in your frontal lobes which is also where all your childhood memories and beliefs are stored. To me anxiety is a subconscious habit that you can break
 
Social anxiety occurs in your frontal lobes which is also where all your childhood memories and beliefs are stored. To me anxiety is a subconscious habit that you can break
So how do I break the habit? All I remember is in my early years my mother kept me inside. I would socialize but would only select a few people who I would want to talk to. All the rest I would ignore. I got held back in 3rd grade because of my lack of social skills. Not sure if that's something I developed over years but they do disappear if I drink alcohol and other stuff.

This boils down to girls too. My Mother refused me to even date any girls until I finished high school. So that put fear in my life. If I stayed out late with my friends I would get in big trouble. So I'm sort of scared to socialize. More like I had a childhood trauma on my social life and it has impacted my interaction with females.
 
Our situations are really similar AnathemicOne :O. I finally confronted the girl I'd been interested in about a week ago. We'd been fooling around a little bit but she seemed to have cooled off. When I confronted her she said she needed some time to think and didn't want to do it if she didn't mean it. Since then we've set dates twice and she blew me off both times but it's first week of college and she just started working at some place so I'm ok with it, she even specifically ?told me that it might seem like she was blowing me off but she assured me that was not the case. I made sure to be a bit shorter and more to the point in my texts and pretty much just told her : "Bummer but busy's busy. Let me know when you do have time this week."

I'm not exactly feeling it either and I'm absolutely not waiting for her and not flirting with other girls but she's definitely still the one I'd really like to end up with so here's to hoping our situations work out ;).

I know you probably should've heard this a year ago and it's a little too late but you probably should've just moved on and still kept in touch with her. Like she said herself, seeing you with someone else might've sparked something in her. Jealousy can suddenly make "complicated" situations clear up for girls.

Our situations are similar in a way, but still different.

My case specifically is between two best friends attempting to develop a romantic relationship. I feel like I'm on the verge of passing the threshold but due to her sexuality it can still push me back down. But lik I said I'm prepared for either scenario, I just need to know so I can move on or not.

I hung out with her again today doing homework. I feel like I'm getting a "just friends" vibe still but it was still fun to hang out with her and force/encourage each other to do homework haha.
 
I wish I was still in college though. :( I wouldn't be so bummed out if I managed to live a little during my time at college, but I didn't at all. Is it all downhill from here? Hopefully not.
Xun, I think the "having fun" at college thing is a myth because I'm currently up to my eyeballs in work. Haha...

So don't get too bummed out about it because I'm currently finishing up my senior year and I haven't gone to a single party or done anything fun at my university ever since I transferred from BJU to the University of South Carolina Upstate. :P
Yea, contrary to popular belief, it isn't easy to get girls just because "you're in college." You can very easily not fit into the much-demanded hottie archetype and be left out in the cold.

I approach at least two new girls every single day for about the past year, and have almost nothing to show for it.
 
Yea, contrary to popular belief, it isn't easy to get girls just because "you're in college." You can very easily not fit into the much-demanded hottie archetype and be left out in the cold.

I approach at least two new girls every single day for about the past year, and have almost nothing to show for it.

tumblr_m66niiHm2F1qgdpgl.png


How can you blame yourself for something you have no control over?
 
Yea, contrary to popular belief, it isn't easy to get girls just because "you're in college." You can very easily not fit into the much-demanded hottie archetype and be left out in the cold.

I approach at least two new girls every single day for about the past year, and have almost nothing to show for it.
Do you do these approaches because you want to have something to show for it? If yes, then that's most likely why you don't have anything.
 
Couple of questions for you all here.

1: Is texting an acceptable method to ask a girl out? Not much opportunity to ask her in person, and we've been texting pretty regularly for a little while now.

2: Coffee or dinner for first date? Does it really matter?
 
Couple of questions for you all here.

1: Is texting an acceptable method to ask a girl out? Not much opportunity to ask her in person, and we've been texting pretty regularly for a little while now.

2: Coffee or dinner for first date? Does it really matter?

Yeah it's fine, but clearly suggest a time and place not just a "Can we go out some time?" I'd say dinner or drinks, but really you should tailor it to what you are most comfortable with, by which I mean if you regularly hang out in a coffee place then that's fine but if you'd be out of your element choose something else.
 
Yea, contrary to popular belief, it isn't easy to get girls just because "you're in college." You can very easily not fit into the much-demanded hottie archetype and be left out in the cold.

I approach at least two new girls every single day for about the past year, and have almost nothing to show for it.

Ditch the approaching craze it's dumb. Get in shape read some books eat right go to classes and get good grades
 
Yeah it's fine, but clearly suggest a time and place not just a "Can we go out some time?" I'd say dinner or drinks, but really you should tailor it to what you are most comfortable with, by which I mean if you regularly hang out in a coffee place then that's fine but if you'd be out of your element choose something else.

Alright, I already had a date and time in mind. Probably opt for dinner since I don't think either of us are regular coffee drinkers. Thanks!
 
Yo GAF,

I need some opinions on whether I'm an idiot. Here is my tale:

I met this girl at a party over Labor Day. Technically it was a good friend of mine's person of interest. They had been seeing each other over the summer fairly casually. He'd been through a breakup in late spring so he wasn't really wanting anything serious. Anyway, it was during that labor day weekend that they basically decided not to pursue anything because there was no spark or what have you. It kind of took me by surprise because from the short time I saw them together I just figured it was an inevitability.

So at no point did I see her as like anything other than just a friend of a friend or whatever. When a gal is spoken for they generally kinda cease to exist when it comes to any kind of feelings outside of friendship. But then the next day or whatever I'm on Facebook at work, and suddenly she starts liking a dozen different comments, posts, etc. of my stuff. She had added me during that weekend, but we had never communicated prior to this. So I was like...uh...why are you doing this. And she responded that it was payback for harassing her all weekend.

To be fair I had been a little jokingly antagonistic toward her, but that's just how I sometimes approach meeting new people. It was all in jest though.

Anyway, after that we end up chatting. A good bit, actually. Conversations would range from like 30 minutes to an hour or more. They were always a lot of fun and snappy. And like 9/10 times she'd IM me first. This went on for like...a week or so? I can't remember exactly, but it was something like that. They were usually pretty fun, personal conversations; about stuff like movies, politics, etc. It got to a point where it felt like she really, really liked talking to me. And I liked talking to her. But it didn't immediately occur to me that she was interested, but just maybe something was kind of going on, you know?

So then last Thursday I make a post on FB about how I'm free after 8PM and want something to do. She messages me just a few minutes later that I should hang out / get drunk with her and her friend/roommate (a mutual friend). It turned out to be a pretty fun time and I ended up crashing there because I was fairly buzzed/drunkish by the end of the night. She made mention that she was glad I came over to hang out and I mentioned I was glad she was glad I came over. Or something like that, like I said before I was kinda drunk at that point.

So on Friday she texts me while I'm at work. She's nervous about performing at open mic night. Her and the friend are a two-person band. They play/sing folksy music stuff. It's really cute and they actually gave me like a private performance/practice the previous night. I couldn't actually see them perform because I had to work until ten but they had mentioned they would be playing on the main uptown street afterward so I could maybe see them then. So like right at 10PM I get a text saying "you're getting off work now, so come here and hear us play" or something like that.

So I see them and hang out with them for awhile, but they have to get going because they both have work on Saturday.

And then before I go to bed late Saturday night (I was out at a party until like 2AM) I post on Facebook about going to this local festival that I've never been to, seeing if anyone wants to go because my Sunday turned out to be free. She texts me the next day at like 9AM about going. Her and her friend/roommate joined me and it was a pretty fun afternoon.

It was pretty much at this point I was like, yeah she's digging this, or at least pretty darn confident that she was. I call her up that night and ask her about getting dinner and seeing a movie, and she responds that she's "not looking for anything right now," which is pretty much a nice way of saying she's not interested in me at all. But I am an "awesome friend."

I would have almost bet money that she was interested. So that kind of blew me away. Since then we've only had a small jokey text exchange on Monday. I've felt like a giant idiot ever since and I feel like at this point I should just leave her be and let her talk to me again if she wants to.

So what gives, GAF? Did I blow it along the way or was I just imagining things?
 
Sounds like she just wanted a friend to hang out or talk to. There was no one on one hang outs either, since you were always with another person.
 
Ditch the approaching craze it's dumb. Get in shape read some books eat right go to classes and get good grades
- I've lost 60 lbs since I got to college
- I have a 3.6 GPA
- I reinvented myself from my former awkward and clueless incarnation

Believe it or not, some guys actually do take the initiative and have a bad dating life. ;)

Also, no approaches = no numbers
 
Yo GAF,

I need some opinions on whether I'm an idiot. Here is my tale:

I met this girl at a party over Labor Day. Technically it was a good friend of mine's person of interest. They had been seeing each other over the summer fairly casually. He'd been through a breakup in late spring so he wasn't really wanting anything serious. Anyway, it was during that labor day weekend that they basically decided not to pursue anything because there was no spark or what have you. It kind of took me by surprise because from the short time I saw them together I just figured it was an inevitability.

So at no point did I see her as like anything other than just a friend of a friend or whatever. When a gal is spoken for they generally kinda cease to exist when it comes to any kind of feelings outside of friendship. But then the next day or whatever I'm on Facebook at work, and suddenly she starts liking a dozen different comments, posts, etc. of my stuff. She had added me during that weekend, but we had never communicated prior to this. So I was like...uh...why are you doing this. And she responded that it was payback for harassing her all weekend.

To be fair I had been a little jokingly antagonistic toward her, but that's just how I sometimes approach meeting new people. It was all in jest though.

Anyway, after that we end up chatting. A good bit, actually. Conversations would range from like 30 minutes to an hour or more. They were always a lot of fun and snappy. And like 9/10 times she'd IM me first. This went on for like...a week or so? I can't remember exactly, but it was something like that. They were usually pretty fun, personal conversations; about stuff like movies, politics, etc. It got to a point where it felt like she really, really liked talking to me. And I liked talking to her. But it didn't immediately occur to me that she was interested, but just maybe something was kind of going on, you know?

So then last Thursday I make a post on FB about how I'm free after 8PM and want something to do. She messages me just a few minutes later that I should hang out / get drunk with her and her friend/roommate (a mutual friend). It turned out to be a pretty fun time and I ended up crashing there because I was fairly buzzed/drunkish by the end of the night. She made mention that she was glad I came over to hang out and I mentioned I was glad she was glad I came over. Or something like that, like I said before I was kinda drunk at that point.

So on Friday she texts me while I'm at work. She's nervous about performing at open mic night. Her and the friend are a two-person band. They play/sing folksy music stuff. It's really cute and they actually gave me like a private performance/practice the previous night. I couldn't actually see them perform because I had to work until ten but they had mentioned they would be playing on the main uptown street afterward so I could maybe see them then. So like right at 10PM I get a text saying "you're getting off work now, so come here and hear us play" or something like that.

So I see them and hang out with them for awhile, but they have to get going because they both have work on Saturday.

And then before I go to bed late Saturday night (I was out at a party until like 2AM) I post on Facebook about going to this local festival that I've never been to, seeing if anyone wants to go because my Sunday turned out to be free. She texts me the next day at like 9AM about going. Her and her friend/roommate joined me and it was a pretty fun afternoon.

It was pretty much at this point I was like, yeah she's digging this, or at least pretty darn confident that she was. I call her up that night and ask her about getting dinner and seeing a movie, and she responds that she's "not looking for anything right now," which is pretty much a nice way of saying she's not interested in me at all. But I am an "awesome friend."

I would have almost bet money that she was interested. So that kind of blew me away. Since then we've only had a small jokey text exchange on Monday. I've felt like a giant idiot ever since and I feel like at this point I should just leave her be and let her talk to me again if she wants to.

So what gives, GAF? Did I blow it along the way or was I just imagining things?

Sounds like you played it perfectly and she was just looking for attention and wasn't really interested in something more. Bummer, but some girls are like that. At least you know where you stand.
 
Girls have all the luxury of sitting back and letting the guys chase them. Unless you're extremely handsome (more important to young women than anyone on GAF is willing to admit, it seems), are a challenge and have an extremely peacock'ish personality, or are just plain lucky enough to beat the odds and find a girl who legitimately wants you, they are not going to take the initiative.

I refuse to sit back and allow myself to reach my thirties and not have a dating history. There is nothing wrong with daygame and making approaches. Dating is purely a game of numbers and luck. Failure is not trying and having to try again; failure is not trying in the first place.
 
Girls have all the luxury of sitting back and letting the guys chase them. Unless you're extremely handsome (more important to young women than anyone on GAF is willing to admit, it seems), are a challenge and have an extremely peacock'ish personality, or are just plain lucky enough to beat the odds and find a girl who legitimately wants you, they are not going to take the initiative.

I refuse to sit back and allow myself to reach my thirties and not have a dating history. There is nothing wrong with daygame and making approaches. Dating is purely a game of numbers and luck. Failure is not trying and having to try again; failure is not trying in the first place.

Gotta suck for the girls who are surrounded by more attractive girls too, you know. They don't approach and are unlikely to be approached (well, except by the guys who won't approach the hotter ones, I guess).
 
Gotta suck for the girls who are surrounded by more attractive girls too, you know. They don't approach and are unlikely to be approached (well, except by the guys who won't approach the hotter ones, I guess).

That's very true, from what I understand. Some girls that have lower self esteem like to befriend only girls that they think are less attractive than themselves so they'll be the centre of attention. My sister was friends with one such woman, and she started getting a bit of the cold shoulder/put downs when she started losing a lot of weight, and getting "hotter". (C'mon, it's my sister :P) Not that she's even looking for a relationship.
 
I refuse to sit back and allow myself to reach my thirties and not have a dating history. There is nothing wrong with daygame and making approaches. Dating is purely a game of numbers and luck. Failure is not trying and having to try again; failure is not trying in the first place.

Very true. As has been mentioned before in this thread, time and time again, it's all about confidence and having the numbers on your side. Get out, be friendly and meet new people. The more you do this, the higher your odds of forming a friendship/relationship with someone you like. Don't take rejection personally. You have to have a salesman mentality.
 
Well, another date which seems to go perfectly well followed by the 'day after', which consists of being completely ignored/forgotten. These fucking dating sites, 2 years of trash. Need to stop wasting my life on these things
 
Well, another date which seems to go perfectly well followed by the 'day after', which consists of being completely ignored/forgotten. These fucking dating sites, 2 years of trash. Need to stop wasting my life on these things

Fucking blows dude.

If you were around me, I said you and me should go hit a bar or something and grab a drink.
 
So how do I break the habit? All I remember is in my early years my mother kept me inside. I would socialize but would only select a few people who I would want to talk to. All the rest I would ignore. I got held back in 3rd grade because of my lack of social skills. Not sure if that's something I developed over years but they do disappear if I drink alcohol and other stuff.

This boils down to girls too. My Mother refused me to even date any girls until I finished high school. So that put fear in my life. If I stayed out late with my friends I would get in big trouble. So I'm sort of scared to socialize. More like I had a childhood trauma on my social life and it has impacted my interaction with females.
Solfeggiotones.com download the sedona files. Listen to them daily.
 
That's very true, from what I understand. Some girls that have lower self esteem like to befriend only girls that they think are less attractive than themselves so they'll be the centre of attention. My sister was friends with one such woman, and she started getting a bit of the cold shoulder/put downs when she started losing a lot of weight, and getting "hotter". (C'mon, it's my sister :P) Not that she's even looking for a relationship.
I generally make approaches for the less-attractive girls in the pack. You'd think they'd be more welcoming to a guy, but such is not the case. :\
 
I generally make approaches for the less-attractive girls in the pack. You'd think they'd be more welcoming to a guy, but such is not the case. :\

Just because the girl is less attractive doesn't mean she has low self-esteem. If you watch a group of girls you can tell which one/ones have low self-esteem.

I have a male friend who yet to kiss a girl or go on a date with one. He is goofy looking and way too skinny, but if an average looking girl walked up to him he would turn her away because she's not at his "level".
 
I generally make approaches for the less-attractive girls in the pack. You'd think they'd be more welcoming to a guy, but such is not the case. :\

Yeah, they may feel that you're only approaching them because you "have a shot" with them. They know they're not the hottest in the group, and will pre-judge you for doing what, in essence, you are doing.
 
Just because the girl is less attractive doesn't mean she has low self-esteem. If you watch a group of girls you can tell which one/ones have low self-esteem.

I have a male friend who yet to kiss a girl or go on a date with one. He is goofy looking and way too skinny, but if an average looking girl walked up to him he would turn her away because she's not at his "level".

She's not level 100? Also, why would someone date a person with low self-esteem?
 
Its lucky its almost the end of the week (well my school week anyway) as I'm too caught up in euphoria to do homework haha.

Anyways she gave me an answer which was that she agreed to try it out between us by going on a few dates and see what happens. So I am technically dating in a sense.

The issue is of course her viewing me as a best friend and her initial sexuality of being lesbian. But at this point I'm just glad that I have been given a chance between us. Ill do my absolute best during our couple of dates and if it doesn't work, well it doesn't work I'm just glad for the chance of actually dating her after a year of chasing. I've no regrets at this point and happy for it.

If anything this whole issue made me learn and help me grow balls and just to walk up to girls I like. Anyways wish me luck GAF!
 
Well, another date which seems to go perfectly well followed by the 'day after', which consists of being completely ignored/forgotten. These fucking dating sites, 2 years of trash. Need to stop wasting my life on these things

How does the date end, if I may ask?

It can't be going perfectly if you're being ignored. They must be dropping you signals somewhere along the way.
 
Damn, just had my date. It went pretty well, but I can't get a good read on her. I really need to just ask her if she sees me in that way or not, and if she doesn't, I can then move on.
 
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