Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
ive evolved the ability of introspection, apparently
how else can someone act evolved other than to analyze life itself
Collete
Member
I wish I am that confident I'm on my exam.
I won't lie, I cracked a smile a little.
This isn't getting better. Not at all.
Congrats, glad to see good news from you in this thread for a change. Hope you're ready to do it again and again because that's what it takes. Don't look at it as work, look at it as a challenge
A challenge that if done right just happens to make you gradually feel less depressed and make you gradually a little sexier! I can't tell you that it will make your life magically good but when you're walking down the street and your shirt feels tight around your muscles you'll get dat confidence.
The hardest part of the workout a lot of the time is starting it. When you're about to throw up from running too much or in the middle of lifting a new weight; that's the easy part.
thanks. i hope i can do it.
Thanks. I'm so glad you are still writing. keep it up.
thanks
Go get'em Jubei!
Found my original journal I began when I went to get diagnosed and helped with depression. The first book has three entries and one inspiring quote, that I still think about, then it's math notes. Other failures, successes and mundanities are recorded in a whole stack of notebooks I've kept. I'll post some things here because they're of more general interest to my story. Just tell me if you'd rather I not post these excerpts here.
But in 10 years with depression, I've had some definite ups and downs.
I found my first depression journal. 6/3/02. "I went down to counseling and psychological services today..."
Bagels: started celexa on the 11th
(sorry for chat format. Don't want to edit right now. Kind of in an emotional place
[12:02:54 AM] Bagels: missed my anniversary
[12:03:04 AM] Clara Bow: is it the same therapist?
[12:03:15 AM] Bagels: no
[12:03:17 AM] Bagels: hah
[12:03:31 AM] Bagels: I was reading "War and Peace" at the time!
[12:03:39 AM] Clara Bow: I need to read that
[12:03:41 AM] Clara Bow: eventualy
[12:03:42 AM] Bagels: this is still WAY early in the depression
[12:03:48 AM] Bagels: it's fucking amazing
[12:03:54 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:03:59 AM] Clara Bow: that's what everyone says
[12:04:06 AM] Bagels: hung out with two different girls who liked me...
[12:04:07 AM] Clara Bow: Iguess it must be true
[12:04:11 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:04:14 AM] Bagels: I didn't know i had it so good!
[12:04:17 AM] Clara Bow: did you sex them?
[12:04:37 AM] Bagels: no
[12:04:43 AM] Clara Bow: o well
[12:04:51 AM] Clara Bow: youth is wasted on the young
[12:05:07 AM] Bagels: and those in committed relationships
[12:05:13 AM] Clara Bow: indeed
[12:05:14 AM] Bagels: who were getting plenty of sexxing
[12:05:19 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:05:24 AM] Clara Bow: bow chicka wow wow
[12:05:29 AM] Bagels: one page just says "know who you are and what you should do"
[12:05:34 AM] Clara Bow: that's good
[12:05:35 AM] Bagels: i still think that
[12:05:37 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:05:42 AM] Bagels: lots of science notes
[12:05:51 AM] Bagels: didn't get into journaling regularly for a while
[12:05:53 AM] Clara Bow: I don't know either of those things
[12:05:57 AM] Clara Bow: gm
[12:06:14 AM] Bagels: i'm not sure anyone does
[12:06:23 AM] Bagels: I thinks that's kind of the purpose of life
[12:06:29 AM] Clara Bow: omg
[12:06:35 AM] Bagels: it's more the journey than the destination
[12:06:42 AM] Clara Bow: like dragon quest games
[12:06:50 AM] Bagels: It's about growing, not about what you ultimately grow into
[12:06:55 AM] Bagels: maybe?
[12:07:01 AM] Bagels: never finished a DG
[12:07:02 AM] Bagels: DQ
[12:07:08 AM] Clara Bow: what if you ultimately grow into a horrible person
[12:07:10 AM] Clara Bow: you should
[12:07:13 AM] Clara Bow: they're great fun
[12:07:28 AM] Bagels: okay, so i'm talking more about a quest for perfection, to be the best person you can be
[12:07:34 AM] Bagels: VIII is gorgeous!
[12:07:37 AM] Bagels: loved it!
[12:07:42 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:07:45 AM] Bagels: but got depressed and dropped it
[12:07:47 AM] Clara Bow: it's really great
[12:07:50 AM] Clara Bow: (think)
[12:07:56 AM] Clara Bow: awww
[12:08:02 AM] Clara Bow: DQ cure depression
[12:08:04 AM] Clara Bow: or so I hear
[12:08:07 AM] Bagels: hmmm
[12:08:17 AM] Clara Bow: i think it might just be a rumor
[12:08:51 AM] Bagels: So there are two actual entries, and 1 inspirational statment
[12:08:59 AM] Clara Bow: just those?
[12:09:47 AM] Clara Bow: does it bring you back?
[12:10:20 AM] Bagels: it does
[12:10:25 AM] Clara Bow: i bet
[12:10:27 AM] Bagels: i have a whole box of these
[12:10:30 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:10:34 AM] Bagels: i grabbed some random ones
[12:10:45 AM] Bagels: 6/30/2006
[12:10:52 AM] Bagels: big, full journal
[12:10:57 AM] Clara Bow: I used to keep a journal when I was little, but I threw it away :/
[12:11:08 AM] Bagels: studying for boards when it starts
[12:11:13 AM] Clara Bow: awww
[12:11:17 AM] Clara Bow: you were so young back then
[12:11:37 AM] Bagels: i tried effexor back then?
[12:11:39 AM] Bagels: woah
[12:11:40 AM] Clara Bow: you passed right?
[12:11:44 AM] Bagels: forgot about that
[12:11:48 AM] Bagels: yes!
[12:11:51 AM] Clara Bow: yay!
[12:12:16 AM] Bagels: first day shadowing psych, ever!
[12:12:24 AM] Clara Bow: (bandit)
[12:13:00 AM] Bagels: H ha!
the bizarre "bachelorette" party i went to...
[12:13:10 AM] Clara Bow: whoa what happened there?
[12:13:29 AM] Clara Bow: male strippers? (smirk)
[12:13:34 AM] Bagels: no
[12:13:38 AM] Clara Bow: aww
[12:13:39 AM] Bagels: more awkwardness
[12:13:46 AM] Bagels: long story
[12:13:46 AM] Clara Bow: like what kind
[12:13:48 AM] Clara Bow: ok
[12:14:29 AM] Bagels: 10/24/2006 "I guess this bears recording:"
[12:14:41 AM] Bagels: story of seeing my murdered friend's bones in the newspaper
[12:14:49 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:14:51 AM] Clara Bow:
[12:15:05 AM] Clara Bow: their bones?!
[12:15:18 AM] Bagels: she had been missing for 5 years at that point
[12:15:27 AM] Clara Bow: why was she murdered?
[12:15:36 AM] Clara Bow: was it an ex?
[12:16:14 AM] Bagels: "The only positive thing I will take from this thing is an appreciation of the deep and continuing pain felt by the loved ones of victims of tragedy."
[12:16:22 AM] Clara Bow:
[12:16:25 AM] Bagels: no. bizarre story
[12:16:34 AM] Bagels: So I went to elementary school with
[12:16:38 AM] Bagels: Jill
[12:16:53 AM] Bagels: since 2nd grade or so? Same school right up to same dorm in college
[12:16:58 AM] Clara Bow: mhm
[12:17:05 AM] Bagels: I wasn't her friend, per se, but we were friendly
[12:17:11 AM] Bagels: she was a girl who was nice to me
[12:17:16 AM] Clara Bow: *nods*
she was a star athlete, easily better than 99% of the men
[12:17:37 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:17:54 AM] Bagels: independently, around middle school, i guess, Jill meets my future wife and they become best friends
[12:18:31 AM] Bagels: So I meet Jen later, we realize we both know Jill and so I grow closer to Jill, and she's just part of our little life
[12:18:45 AM] Clara Bow: I see
[12:19:01 AM] Bagels: One summer, Jill was working that The McDonald;s in our dorm. We stopped to chat and we were both excited about everything
[12:19:18 AM] Bagels: She was training for the Little 500, which is this crazy bike race at my school. Very famous
[12:19:35 AM] Bagels: So shortly thereafter, Jen, my brother, and I go out for ice cream over summer break
[12:19:51 AM] Bagels: and there's a sign on the ice cream place "MISSING"
[12:19:54 AM] Bagels: and it's Jill
[12:20:17 AM] Clara Bow: o no...
[12:20:18 AM] Bagels: So we ere just in shock, trying to figure out if this is some terrible joke
[12:20:29 AM] Bagels: we start hearing the usual theories about her running away...
[12:20:34 AM] Bagels: none of this applies to Jill
[12:20:44 AM] Bagels: a day later, they find her bike by the highway
[12:20:48 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:20:54 AM] Bagels: years go by with rumors of where a body is
[12:21:08 AM] Bagels: it just goes on and on
[12:21:14 AM] Bagels: there's finally a memorial service
[12:21:33 AM] Bagels: And then, in 2006, they get tipped off and find the body. Guy is in jail currently
[12:21:51 AM] Bagels: What had happened was, he had tried to scare her by clipping her bike, but hit her instead
[12:21:58 AM] Bagels: she was knocked out but alive
[12:22:09 AM] Bagels: she he took her into the woods, raped her, and executed her
[12:22:24 AM] Clara Bow: wtf
[12:22:31 AM] Clara Bow: did she know him?
[12:22:36 AM] Clara Bow: was he just a random person?
[12:22:45 AM] Bagels: yup - just random trash
[12:22:50 AM] Clara Bow: ugh
[12:22:52 AM] Clara Bow: how horrible
[12:22:54 AM] Clara Bow: :*(
[12:23:00 AM] Clara Bow: wow
[12:23:15 AM] Clara Bow: was she far away from civilization? (A couple miles down a well-traveled HW)
[12:24:08 AM] Clara Bow: now im afraid to ride my bike
[12:25:26 AM] The Broken Ska Record: Holy shit
[12:25:45 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:26:22 AM] Bagels: yuo
[12:26:32 AM] Bagels: nice community, great girl, very athletic
[12:26:36 AM] Bagels: totally random
[12:26:43 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:27:59 AM] Bagels: I'd like to bike, but it's a big thing for Jen
[12:28:10 AM] Bagels: she took it harder than me, and I'm frankly pretty fucked up over it
[12:28:21 AM] Clara Bow: I'd imagine so
[12:28:52 AM] Bagels: yeah
[12:28:58 AM] Clara Bow: im sorry
[12:29:06 AM] Bagels: she was my neghbor in my parents' curent house
[12:29:12 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:29:12 AM] Bagels: they're just now moving out
[12:29:20 AM] Clara Bow: I see
[12:30:46 AM] Clara Bow: I'm sorry I asked and brought up all those sad memories
The Broken Ska Record
-end chat part-
I actually feel better talking about it. A lot of this hasn't been healed, and maybe never will be. I'm thankful to have a group to genuinely listen to me as I revisit these things.
But in 10 years with depression, I've had some definite ups and downs.
I found my first depression journal. 6/3/02. "I went down to counseling and psychological services today..."
Bagels: started celexa on the 11th
(sorry for chat format. Don't want to edit right now. Kind of in an emotional place
[12:02:54 AM] Bagels: missed my anniversary
[12:03:04 AM] Clara Bow: is it the same therapist?
[12:03:15 AM] Bagels: no
[12:03:17 AM] Bagels: hah
[12:03:31 AM] Bagels: I was reading "War and Peace" at the time!
[12:03:39 AM] Clara Bow: I need to read that
[12:03:41 AM] Clara Bow: eventualy
[12:03:42 AM] Bagels: this is still WAY early in the depression
[12:03:48 AM] Bagels: it's fucking amazing
[12:03:54 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:03:59 AM] Clara Bow: that's what everyone says
[12:04:06 AM] Bagels: hung out with two different girls who liked me...
[12:04:07 AM] Clara Bow: Iguess it must be true
[12:04:11 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:04:14 AM] Bagels: I didn't know i had it so good!
[12:04:17 AM] Clara Bow: did you sex them?
[12:04:37 AM] Bagels: no
[12:04:43 AM] Clara Bow: o well
[12:04:51 AM] Clara Bow: youth is wasted on the young
[12:05:07 AM] Bagels: and those in committed relationships
[12:05:13 AM] Clara Bow: indeed
[12:05:14 AM] Bagels: who were getting plenty of sexxing
[12:05:19 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:05:24 AM] Clara Bow: bow chicka wow wow
[12:05:29 AM] Bagels: one page just says "know who you are and what you should do"
[12:05:34 AM] Clara Bow: that's good
[12:05:35 AM] Bagels: i still think that
[12:05:37 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:05:42 AM] Bagels: lots of science notes
[12:05:51 AM] Bagels: didn't get into journaling regularly for a while
[12:05:53 AM] Clara Bow: I don't know either of those things
[12:05:57 AM] Clara Bow: gm
[12:06:14 AM] Bagels: i'm not sure anyone does
[12:06:23 AM] Bagels: I thinks that's kind of the purpose of life
[12:06:29 AM] Clara Bow: omg
[12:06:35 AM] Bagels: it's more the journey than the destination
[12:06:42 AM] Clara Bow: like dragon quest games
[12:06:50 AM] Bagels: It's about growing, not about what you ultimately grow into
[12:06:55 AM] Bagels: maybe?
[12:07:01 AM] Bagels: never finished a DG
[12:07:02 AM] Bagels: DQ
[12:07:08 AM] Clara Bow: what if you ultimately grow into a horrible person
[12:07:10 AM] Clara Bow: you should
[12:07:13 AM] Clara Bow: they're great fun
[12:07:28 AM] Bagels: okay, so i'm talking more about a quest for perfection, to be the best person you can be
[12:07:34 AM] Bagels: VIII is gorgeous!
[12:07:37 AM] Bagels: loved it!
[12:07:42 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:07:45 AM] Bagels: but got depressed and dropped it
[12:07:47 AM] Clara Bow: it's really great
[12:07:50 AM] Clara Bow: (think)
[12:07:56 AM] Clara Bow: awww
[12:08:02 AM] Clara Bow: DQ cure depression
[12:08:04 AM] Clara Bow: or so I hear
[12:08:07 AM] Bagels: hmmm
[12:08:17 AM] Clara Bow: i think it might just be a rumor
[12:08:51 AM] Bagels: So there are two actual entries, and 1 inspirational statment
[12:08:59 AM] Clara Bow: just those?
[12:09:47 AM] Clara Bow: does it bring you back?
[12:10:20 AM] Bagels: it does
[12:10:25 AM] Clara Bow: i bet
[12:10:27 AM] Bagels: i have a whole box of these
[12:10:30 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:10:34 AM] Bagels: i grabbed some random ones
[12:10:45 AM] Bagels: 6/30/2006
[12:10:52 AM] Bagels: big, full journal
[12:10:57 AM] Clara Bow: I used to keep a journal when I was little, but I threw it away :/
[12:11:08 AM] Bagels: studying for boards when it starts
[12:11:13 AM] Clara Bow: awww
[12:11:17 AM] Clara Bow: you were so young back then
[12:11:37 AM] Bagels: i tried effexor back then?
[12:11:39 AM] Bagels: woah
[12:11:40 AM] Clara Bow: you passed right?
[12:11:44 AM] Bagels: forgot about that
[12:11:48 AM] Bagels: yes!
[12:11:51 AM] Clara Bow: yay!
[12:12:16 AM] Bagels: first day shadowing psych, ever!
[12:12:24 AM] Clara Bow: (bandit)
[12:13:00 AM] Bagels: H ha!
the bizarre "bachelorette" party i went to...
[12:13:10 AM] Clara Bow: whoa what happened there?
[12:13:29 AM] Clara Bow: male strippers? (smirk)
[12:13:34 AM] Bagels: no
[12:13:38 AM] Clara Bow: aww
[12:13:39 AM] Bagels: more awkwardness
[12:13:46 AM] Bagels: long story
[12:13:46 AM] Clara Bow: like what kind
[12:13:48 AM] Clara Bow: ok
[12:14:29 AM] Bagels: 10/24/2006 "I guess this bears recording:"
[12:14:41 AM] Bagels: story of seeing my murdered friend's bones in the newspaper
[12:14:49 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:14:51 AM] Clara Bow:
[12:15:05 AM] Clara Bow: their bones?!
[12:15:18 AM] Bagels: she had been missing for 5 years at that point
[12:15:27 AM] Clara Bow: why was she murdered?
[12:15:36 AM] Clara Bow: was it an ex?
[12:16:14 AM] Bagels: "The only positive thing I will take from this thing is an appreciation of the deep and continuing pain felt by the loved ones of victims of tragedy."
[12:16:22 AM] Clara Bow:
[12:16:25 AM] Bagels: no. bizarre story
[12:16:34 AM] Bagels: So I went to elementary school with
[12:16:38 AM] Bagels: Jill
[12:16:53 AM] Bagels: since 2nd grade or so? Same school right up to same dorm in college
[12:16:58 AM] Clara Bow: mhm
[12:17:05 AM] Bagels: I wasn't her friend, per se, but we were friendly
[12:17:11 AM] Bagels: she was a girl who was nice to me
[12:17:16 AM] Clara Bow: *nods*
she was a star athlete, easily better than 99% of the men
[12:17:37 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:17:54 AM] Bagels: independently, around middle school, i guess, Jill meets my future wife and they become best friends
[12:18:31 AM] Bagels: So I meet Jen later, we realize we both know Jill and so I grow closer to Jill, and she's just part of our little life
[12:18:45 AM] Clara Bow: I see
[12:19:01 AM] Bagels: One summer, Jill was working that The McDonald;s in our dorm. We stopped to chat and we were both excited about everything
[12:19:18 AM] Bagels: She was training for the Little 500, which is this crazy bike race at my school. Very famous
[12:19:35 AM] Bagels: So shortly thereafter, Jen, my brother, and I go out for ice cream over summer break
[12:19:51 AM] Bagels: and there's a sign on the ice cream place "MISSING"
[12:19:54 AM] Bagels: and it's Jill
[12:20:17 AM] Clara Bow: o no...
[12:20:18 AM] Bagels: So we ere just in shock, trying to figure out if this is some terrible joke
[12:20:29 AM] Bagels: we start hearing the usual theories about her running away...
[12:20:34 AM] Bagels: none of this applies to Jill
[12:20:44 AM] Bagels: a day later, they find her bike by the highway
[12:20:48 AM] Clara Bow: :O
[12:20:54 AM] Bagels: years go by with rumors of where a body is
[12:21:08 AM] Bagels: it just goes on and on
[12:21:14 AM] Bagels: there's finally a memorial service
[12:21:33 AM] Bagels: And then, in 2006, they get tipped off and find the body. Guy is in jail currently
[12:21:51 AM] Bagels: What had happened was, he had tried to scare her by clipping her bike, but hit her instead
[12:21:58 AM] Bagels: she was knocked out but alive
[12:22:09 AM] Bagels: she he took her into the woods, raped her, and executed her
[12:22:24 AM] Clara Bow: wtf
[12:22:31 AM] Clara Bow: did she know him?
[12:22:36 AM] Clara Bow: was he just a random person?
[12:22:45 AM] Bagels: yup - just random trash
[12:22:50 AM] Clara Bow: ugh
[12:22:52 AM] Clara Bow: how horrible
[12:22:54 AM] Clara Bow: :*(
[12:23:00 AM] Clara Bow: wow
[12:23:15 AM] Clara Bow: was she far away from civilization? (A couple miles down a well-traveled HW)
[12:24:08 AM] Clara Bow: now im afraid to ride my bike
[12:25:26 AM] The Broken Ska Record: Holy shit
[12:25:45 AM] Clara Bow: yeah
[12:26:22 AM] Bagels: yuo
[12:26:32 AM] Bagels: nice community, great girl, very athletic
[12:26:36 AM] Bagels: totally random
[12:26:43 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:27:59 AM] Bagels: I'd like to bike, but it's a big thing for Jen
[12:28:10 AM] Bagels: she took it harder than me, and I'm frankly pretty fucked up over it
[12:28:21 AM] Clara Bow: I'd imagine so
[12:28:52 AM] Bagels: yeah
[12:28:58 AM] Clara Bow: im sorry
[12:29:06 AM] Bagels: she was my neghbor in my parents' curent house
[12:29:12 AM] Clara Bow: whoa
[12:29:12 AM] Bagels: they're just now moving out
[12:29:20 AM] Clara Bow: I see
[12:30:46 AM] Clara Bow: I'm sorry I asked and brought up all those sad memories
The Broken Ska Record
-end chat part-
I actually feel better talking about it. A lot of this hasn't been healed, and maybe never will be. I'm thankful to have a group to genuinely listen to me as I revisit these things.
Mother_Sanchez
Neo Member
I'm woman-ing up and posting here. I finally went to see a doctor about my depression. More so I was a bit strong armed into it because I would not have gone otherwise. After nervously going and talking to said doctor who I didn't even really like, I got prescribed an off brand of Zoloft.
I suppose for a little bit of a back story.. I've been suffering from depression for almost five years now and it was always something I thought I could handle myself. That I didn't need medicine. I didn't need someone telling me I was crazy or what have you. Turns out it wasn't like any of that. They never once thought I was crazy and even though the medicine sometimes does make me a bit lethargic and tired.. I think it's still helping.
So I guess tl;dr, there's a chance out there for anyone having to go through depression. You're not alone and even though there's this social stigmata of actually going on medicine/seeking help.. It helps.
I suppose for a little bit of a back story.. I've been suffering from depression for almost five years now and it was always something I thought I could handle myself. That I didn't need medicine. I didn't need someone telling me I was crazy or what have you. Turns out it wasn't like any of that. They never once thought I was crazy and even though the medicine sometimes does make me a bit lethargic and tired.. I think it's still helping.
So I guess tl;dr, there's a chance out there for anyone having to go through depression. You're not alone and even though there's this social stigmata of actually going on medicine/seeking help.. It helps.
shadowsdarknes
Member
Ughhhhh tonight I just realized how much of a loser I am, and have been the last few months. Fuck finances is all I got to say and fuck actually excelling at school for the first time. I didn't realize how great of an opportunity cost actually putting an effort into studies would affect my social life (admitting this is pathetic, I'm so fortunate to obtain a higher education).
Does anyone have advice how to balance taking university seriously, and a social life? It's obviously more complex than that, so here's some insight. I hardly have enough money to pay rent and stay healthy. I'm a senior at Uni and all my friends are still living it up every single weekend with little regard to their school work. I finally go out tonight for the first time in a month, and realize I have nothing in common with the kids I'm "friends" with. It's either I am ready to move on from the college life or I don't like the friends who I thought were friends except for a very select few whose company I actually enjoy.
Idk what it is but partying is soooo unappealing unless I'm hanging out with new people anymore. I have more fun meeting strangers at bars alone than I do hanging out with people I call my friends. Pregaming with the people I actually like is more fun that going out to some stupid bar that is the same scene every single weekend for 4 years straight. Maybe I have been too antisocial to enjoy these places since I stopped going due to financial stresses a couple of months ago, or I just dislike the scene and the people there. But here is the confusing side. When I'm sober I actually enjoy those people's company. I'm not unhappy, but neither content.
It's a transitional phase I guess? Idk it's weird, I'm at a crossroads. Either forgo the social life I gave up a few months ago and dedicate life to my future career (there are options), or say fuck it, it's senior year, let me live it up even though my GPA is inadequate (not up to my standards) because this experience is ending. It sounds pathetic because it is. I feel like I have grown so shallow the last few months like these relationships are now meaningless. Don't get me wrong now, I have friends who I care deeply about, but the other kids whom treat me like a good friend I feel detached from.
I can't hope or wish for a better situation, I need to make it happen myself. The only problem here is I have ambitions, yet I'm very socially indulgent. I'm finding myself wondering which is more important, although the answer is obvious, fulfill my ambitions, but I hate throwing friendships under the bus. It sounds awful, but I cared about all those secondary friends until the last couple of months at one point. I want it to go back to normal but like I said we are just on different plains. This conflict is a common case of two steps forward, but one giant leap back.
It doesn't help that I couldn't even interest any ladies tonight. That is the worst part about it. Not to mention I probably blew it per usual with a girl who deserves my full attention, but I don't know how to express it. In fact, this reflection showcases my inability to detect a good thing consciously, because my subconscious takes notice, yet convinces me to do the opposite because I'm addicted to the chase when I'm fucked up.
This all sounds ridiculous but it's how I feel. Growing pains I guess? I want to be mature and immature at the same time, yet this goal is unattainable? Maybe I should put the bottle down, but how can I do that when I keep telling myself I'm not drinking enough (had a severe drinking problem).
I need some serious advice. I can't talk to my parents because I can't let them down, or even show a sign of weakness, or make excuses. I know eventually I will get out of this trough, I've been digging out my whole life only to grow stronger and wiser. The first step is to actually acknowledge reality which I did tonight and I realize I must talk anonymously about this because I don't trust anyone I now personally to disclose these feelings right now.
Just give me honest advice even if harsh.
Does anyone have advice how to balance taking university seriously, and a social life? It's obviously more complex than that, so here's some insight. I hardly have enough money to pay rent and stay healthy. I'm a senior at Uni and all my friends are still living it up every single weekend with little regard to their school work. I finally go out tonight for the first time in a month, and realize I have nothing in common with the kids I'm "friends" with. It's either I am ready to move on from the college life or I don't like the friends who I thought were friends except for a very select few whose company I actually enjoy.
Idk what it is but partying is soooo unappealing unless I'm hanging out with new people anymore. I have more fun meeting strangers at bars alone than I do hanging out with people I call my friends. Pregaming with the people I actually like is more fun that going out to some stupid bar that is the same scene every single weekend for 4 years straight. Maybe I have been too antisocial to enjoy these places since I stopped going due to financial stresses a couple of months ago, or I just dislike the scene and the people there. But here is the confusing side. When I'm sober I actually enjoy those people's company. I'm not unhappy, but neither content.
It's a transitional phase I guess? Idk it's weird, I'm at a crossroads. Either forgo the social life I gave up a few months ago and dedicate life to my future career (there are options), or say fuck it, it's senior year, let me live it up even though my GPA is inadequate (not up to my standards) because this experience is ending. It sounds pathetic because it is. I feel like I have grown so shallow the last few months like these relationships are now meaningless. Don't get me wrong now, I have friends who I care deeply about, but the other kids whom treat me like a good friend I feel detached from.
I can't hope or wish for a better situation, I need to make it happen myself. The only problem here is I have ambitions, yet I'm very socially indulgent. I'm finding myself wondering which is more important, although the answer is obvious, fulfill my ambitions, but I hate throwing friendships under the bus. It sounds awful, but I cared about all those secondary friends until the last couple of months at one point. I want it to go back to normal but like I said we are just on different plains. This conflict is a common case of two steps forward, but one giant leap back.
It doesn't help that I couldn't even interest any ladies tonight. That is the worst part about it. Not to mention I probably blew it per usual with a girl who deserves my full attention, but I don't know how to express it. In fact, this reflection showcases my inability to detect a good thing consciously, because my subconscious takes notice, yet convinces me to do the opposite because I'm addicted to the chase when I'm fucked up.
This all sounds ridiculous but it's how I feel. Growing pains I guess? I want to be mature and immature at the same time, yet this goal is unattainable? Maybe I should put the bottle down, but how can I do that when I keep telling myself I'm not drinking enough (had a severe drinking problem).
I need some serious advice. I can't talk to my parents because I can't let them down, or even show a sign of weakness, or make excuses. I know eventually I will get out of this trough, I've been digging out my whole life only to grow stronger and wiser. The first step is to actually acknowledge reality which I did tonight and I realize I must talk anonymously about this because I don't trust anyone I now personally to disclose these feelings right now.
Just give me honest advice even if harsh.
1) Take up a social hobby like cooking or dancing classes, or team sport or volunteer activity.
2) Stop drinking (provisionally until step 3). If you can't, seek professional help.
3) Come back in 6 month and re-read your post above.
This is obviously cookie-cutter and rigid, but meh... you're problems are not so serious and are mostly "in your head."
scar tissue
Banned
I basically had the same thought. As someone who's been mostly shunned by women, it's hard to relate. Just leave if the relationship is shit.
ive been shunned because of depression, which in turn put me in a worse state of mind over time. Eventually I got to this point where I just don't care and im going to get old without ever knowing what it means to have affection.
fushi
Member
Has anyone else crashed hard with the physical side-effects of depression/anxiety?
I've been off meds since May and had been doing really back then, but then had bouts of insomnia in September, which I managed to get over in a few weeks. But then in November I just kind of succumbed to a variety of shit. Poor sleep, constant daytime fatigue, forgetfulness, headaches, lack of appetite and fairly rapid weight loss. And the anxiety attack from last night made me question my mental well-being since I could barely keep my mind focused without thoughts racing out of control.
Anyone else gone through this or something similar?
I've been off meds since May and had been doing really back then, but then had bouts of insomnia in September, which I managed to get over in a few weeks. But then in November I just kind of succumbed to a variety of shit. Poor sleep, constant daytime fatigue, forgetfulness, headaches, lack of appetite and fairly rapid weight loss. And the anxiety attack from last night made me question my mental well-being since I could barely keep my mind focused without thoughts racing out of control.
Anyone else gone through this or something similar?
Winter timing may suggest SAD, or something else seasonal. Speak to your doctor.
I don’t know what to do anymore. (unemployed)
It’s coming up to 2013 and I graduated in 2010 and I have little to show for it, I’m stuck in a course which I doubt I can finish and maybe facing the prospect of being unemployed again if I can’t show improvements this term.
In stark comparison 2 years ago I was without a care in the world as I just started my first ‘graduate’ job. The pay was shit but at least I could get the experience, I liked the people but ended up staying there too long when the company went down. I wasn’t that worried, I thought that an 8 months experienced graduate could easily find a job.
I applied daily from the middle of summer when I was made redundant to December, I realized it wasn’t working, the phonecalls, going to agencies, career events – nothing, just nothing. At this point I was depressed and felt backwards, I was reclusive and spent most of my time surfing, being stuck with parents didn’t help, they often made excuses that I was some internship or something to others.
At the start of January I thought about teaching, it was something I could get into and most likely a job for life for me, I managed to get into a very good uni for the course which started in autumn so it gave 4 months to either find a job in that time but I gave up and just waited for the course to start.
Over the past few months the course has been challenging but I’ve felt like I’ve done well enough, however I got contacted recently that I was failing and the 2nd warning soon followed. I’ve been up until 2am doing work for the course and it seems it’s not helping at all, most of the times I’m stressed, worn down and the verge of quitting the course every single day. I’ve quitted playing games, stopped seeing people and still my tutors are not happy with my progress.
I often have to force myself to get up every day going through a course that I doubt I can finish or even pass. I’ve started avoiding friends/family as they always raise this issue of what I am doing in life, It seems as if I’m the only person who hasn't found a proper job after uni. I’m not sure what I will do with myself if I fail this course.
I really don't want to be unemployed again, I have no idea how I can explain 1 year absence and why I failed the course. This with family problems makes me right miserable sod.
Sorry if I just kept babbling on, I’ve just felt like shit in the last year or so and it’s just gone over the top. I’m trying to stay positive but whatever effort I am putting in now seems dismal and regarded as unsatisfactory.
It’s coming up to 2013 and I graduated in 2010 and I have little to show for it, I’m stuck in a course which I doubt I can finish and maybe facing the prospect of being unemployed again if I can’t show improvements this term.
In stark comparison 2 years ago I was without a care in the world as I just started my first ‘graduate’ job. The pay was shit but at least I could get the experience, I liked the people but ended up staying there too long when the company went down. I wasn’t that worried, I thought that an 8 months experienced graduate could easily find a job.
I applied daily from the middle of summer when I was made redundant to December, I realized it wasn’t working, the phonecalls, going to agencies, career events – nothing, just nothing. At this point I was depressed and felt backwards, I was reclusive and spent most of my time surfing, being stuck with parents didn’t help, they often made excuses that I was some internship or something to others.
At the start of January I thought about teaching, it was something I could get into and most likely a job for life for me, I managed to get into a very good uni for the course which started in autumn so it gave 4 months to either find a job in that time but I gave up and just waited for the course to start.
Over the past few months the course has been challenging but I’ve felt like I’ve done well enough, however I got contacted recently that I was failing and the 2nd warning soon followed. I’ve been up until 2am doing work for the course and it seems it’s not helping at all, most of the times I’m stressed, worn down and the verge of quitting the course every single day. I’ve quitted playing games, stopped seeing people and still my tutors are not happy with my progress.
I often have to force myself to get up every day going through a course that I doubt I can finish or even pass. I’ve started avoiding friends/family as they always raise this issue of what I am doing in life, It seems as if I’m the only person who hasn't found a proper job after uni. I’m not sure what I will do with myself if I fail this course.
I really don't want to be unemployed again, I have no idea how I can explain 1 year absence and why I failed the course. This with family problems makes me right miserable sod.
Sorry if I just kept babbling on, I’ve just felt like shit in the last year or so and it’s just gone over the top. I’m trying to stay positive but whatever effort I am putting in now seems dismal and regarded as unsatisfactory.
So I have still been dealing with issues lately, but I am functional to say the least.
To springboard off of my earlier post about emotional abuse and abandonment, I've been reading some stuff lately that has applied a lot to me. One of the pieces I've come across about abandonment deals a lot with some situations I have been in. When it comes to relationship, I tend to fight super hard to be close to someone who is unavailable (whether physically or emotionally) and if I don't get that, and in turn get rejected, I get super depressed.
However, when someone is interested in me and wants to get to know me better, I get extremely uncomfortable about it and I tend to shy away from that person going "I wonder what is wrong with that person? Why would they be interested in me? Are they crazy or something?"
I've been in this cycle for a long time... I am currently doing this very thing right now with someone I know I can't have, but I am fighting to somehow get into their lives on a somewhat emotional level while I shun some people who are genuinely interested in me.
Then today I found myself thinking to myself that when people say nice things to me and compliment me, are they saying them because they truly mean them or are they saying them just to be nice and out of pity?
The last few years have been extremely tough when it comes to relationships for me... Every fear and doubt I have has been surfacing constantly. It hurts so much to be in these situations, but I keep getting into them over and over and over again knowing what the outcome will me... It's almost as if I am addicted to the pain they cause because it is the most comfortable feeling and most well-known feeling I've had...
To springboard off of my earlier post about emotional abuse and abandonment, I've been reading some stuff lately that has applied a lot to me. One of the pieces I've come across about abandonment deals a lot with some situations I have been in. When it comes to relationship, I tend to fight super hard to be close to someone who is unavailable (whether physically or emotionally) and if I don't get that, and in turn get rejected, I get super depressed.
However, when someone is interested in me and wants to get to know me better, I get extremely uncomfortable about it and I tend to shy away from that person going "I wonder what is wrong with that person? Why would they be interested in me? Are they crazy or something?"
I've been in this cycle for a long time... I am currently doing this very thing right now with someone I know I can't have, but I am fighting to somehow get into their lives on a somewhat emotional level while I shun some people who are genuinely interested in me.
Then today I found myself thinking to myself that when people say nice things to me and compliment me, are they saying them because they truly mean them or are they saying them just to be nice and out of pity?
The last few years have been extremely tough when it comes to relationships for me... Every fear and doubt I have has been surfacing constantly. It hurts so much to be in these situations, but I keep getting into them over and over and over again knowing what the outcome will me... It's almost as if I am addicted to the pain they cause because it is the most comfortable feeling and most well-known feeling I've had...
shadowsdarknes
Member
There is a theory on abandonment which is what your describing? This pretty much describes me accurately since the end of September. I definitely took notice of this last night when I realized this girl who I think I have feelings for kept searching me out at the place we went to. Then I remembered how good our chemistry always is, especially last night before going out.
I think I do the same thing to give myself an excuse to pick up the bottle and completely drain it along with my sorrows. I'm beginning to believe drinking is the root of my problems (even though I drink infrequently) because it intensifies the state of mind I'm in, which lately has been stressed, anxious, and self-absorbed in an extremely negative way. The exception to the rule is if I turn into a raging alcoholic, which I've been in the past, and all my problems seem to go away. However, this lifestyle is obviously unhealthy and undesirable.
Or maybe if I wasn't so financially strained I could actually have some spare cash to throw around more than once a month and get back into the scene.
You just described my internal monologue. I never think I have anything to bring to a relationship, so I usually just shy away from them until they eventually move on to someone else. It's awful.
Yes. There is an idea out there called Attachment theory. What I was talking about comes from someone who studies abandonment in adults. Whether it be the loss of a love one who you have been with for a while, or losses as a child that present themselves during traumatic experiences as an adult.
I, too, hit the bottle hard when I am depressed. I used it as a way not to feel anything or I use sleeping pills. I realized I was using alcohol this way when I went through 2 1.5L wine bottles in a little under a week. From that point on I decided not to bring alcohol into my apartment for a long time until I get to the point of not going to it due to depression.
I always feel that way. That I am uninteresting, no one is going to like me for me, I always have to be upbeat and appear fine, etc.
Prax
Member
You can just say you were in school but while finishing it, it just didn't seem to match what you wanted to go for in a career? XD "It just wasn't for me". Don't explain further.
I know how you feel, but if this is something you want to do, keep trying until the end.
You don't need to punish yourself by cutting off every hobby in your life, especially if that makes your mood and concentration worse. Relax, recharge, and then refocus on your material again. See if you can take a different approach to your coursework. If you don't do well after everything is done, then it just wasn't the time for it. At least you put in a good effort and paid your dues for it, and you can feel proud of that. A lot of people go through trying something and having to scrape through or withdraw and focus on something else.
In my case, I didn't know where to focus so I dragged myself through misery way too long--like a couple of years lingering through one course, so when I finally decided to withdraw from the course, it was a huge relief and then I went to find some easily-available low stress low pay job instead. Which at this point, is fine by me! I decided beating myself up for that is pointless. I'll just enjoy it and try to refocus when I have the energy to.
I don't know what will be best for you or what you will decide, but hopefully it will all work out in the end anyway.
I've said this earlier in the thread, but I guess it bears repeating.
It's exhausting to constantly fight yourself and second-guess everyone.
Living your life like everyone is lying to you out of malice or pity is draining. Having to be so vigilant and suspicious of people doesn't actually protect you (which I think is what it starts out as.. a kind of mechanism to try to protect yourself against being "fooled"). It actually makes you second-guess, doubt, and undermine yourself. The exact opposite of what you were trying to do in the first place!
You have to start conditioning yourself not to linger on those kind of thoughts. Try to take what people say at face value. Just think to yourself "most people don't have the energy to waste their time lying to me. They don't think deeply on this and I don't have to."
JUST ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT OR GOOD ATTENTION AND MOVE ON.
If the thought of "oh they said this, but they meant that" pops up, treat it like a random, stray thought like you would if some other random idea popped into your head (e.g. purple elephants, dancing, balls--you're randomly associating and don't need to pay attention to it. It goes away and you move on). Focus on the compliment or how nice that person is instead. Absorb the good stuff and let it become a part of you.
As for shunning people you like and going after people who don't necessarily like you, I guess the only thing is trying to figure out what the main reason is you want that person you want instead of the others. I am not good in the relationship area, but it seems like you try setting yourself up for disappointment so you can prove that you'll always be disappointed--and then you won't have to face fulfilling the expectations of those who genuinely are interested in you (I kind of have anxiety about fulfilling the expectations of people, anyway!). Try being more open and accept that other people see something good in you that maybe you can't quite see yourself. Especially true if you're overly critical and used to putting yourself down. You probably undersell yourself even to yourself. Other people at that point are probably more objective than you about it.
Also, speaking of fulfilling expectations and the angst I have around it... that has probably kept me from pursuing my many artistic ambitions in life. And then I get paralyzed and don't do anything for a long while, even simple doodles. And then when I don't do anything creative for a while, I start slipping into low moods.
But I've been trying to break out of that and focus on doing what I can do. Work on my strengths and gain that confidence and courage!
So before, I posted some of my work up to show my effort in breaking procrastination. And hoping that by posting something like that, I world revv up my motivation to make good on my words--I think it works as a strategy for me, anyway. Even though it's taken many gruelling hours since last Saturday (maybe about 35 in total by now), I'm at 75% done! Really feels good to be getting things done and liking it.
You can check out my progress so far: Comic at 75%
Just a little more colouring to do.. and add some text..! And then I have a billion other art things I've been procrastinating on for over a year to fulfill. Playing catch-up is hard, but I feel more ready than ever to take on the challenge. Partly in thanks to this thread and the people in here. You guys inspire me, and I want to inspire others. So hopefully it gets fed back into a positive loop.
What is this all about? Seems to have good reviews (on amazon).
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0085Z31US/kanycom-20
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0085Z31US/kanycom-20
Very hard to find any reports in English. Most of the studies are coming out of Russia, where I guess it's quite popular.
I'm very wary of these things where there's no dosing information (unless you're in Russia, perhaps?), no therapeutic window, no controlled trials. Most people think we know too little about the drugs that are approved for use in our brains. With something like this, you've got to decide how safe you feel putting a drug in your brain based on Amazon customer reviews.
That attitude is about as helpful as "Just stop being sad", just so you know. It's oftentimes more complicated than you think, especially in the context of depression. It's not like anyone here is running around saying "haha I have a gf and you don't", no, people come here with problems that they have with respect to depression, and causes for that can be manifold. Dismissing one potential cause because it doesn't relate to you is not the right way to go.
yes, thats fair
however, a lot of people don't seem to understand that clinical depression is very different to bad feels. Its easy to assume that theyre in the wrong place when people just come in here and complain about their relationship when there is clearly a separate community dedicated to that.
I understand that, but I'd be happier with assuming a person who comes in here and says they're depressed and/because they're in a relationship, to be accepting and assume that person really is depressed, than to just tell them "relationship trouble isn't real trouble, get out of this thread, just leave the relationship if you're not happy". I don't think that's the "spirit" of this community, either. It is helpful to tell them that there is a separate thread for specific relationship advice of course, but if someone comes in here struggling with depression on top or because of a bad relationship, that shouldn't be a reason to dismiss it. After all, we don't greet someone who has depression because they have NO relationship with "go to the GAF-Pickup thread, they can help you with that" either.
User 100115
Banned
I have a ton of relationship trouble, but I rarely talk about it here, even if it is a huge contributor to my depression. Because I know the answer is to leave, which isn't possible, so why talk about it?
well
depression doesn't need a reason to be
when you conflate depression with situational unhappiness you're going to get some unhappy campers that actually have no power over how they feel regardless of the situation.
same goes for the opposite end of the spectrum
being depressed because you dont have a bf/gf is basically admitting that you're in the situational unhappiness boat, so your analogy makes little sense.
Depends on the relationship troubles... Is it relationship troubles with someone you've been with for a while, or is it other relationship troubles such as the beginning/finding one?
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
obvious question: Why is it not possible?
second question: isn't talking to the other party of the relationship also a solution?
I was talking about the "I'll never find someone who's right for me", which I see quite often here. The solution to nothing is simple, especially when depression comes in.
You say (well, not you, but the sentiment is) relationship trouble =/= depression, which is true. But if someone comes here saying they are depressed and in a bad relationship, I would not say "go somewhere else to talk about that, that's not real depression", because maybe they have relationship trouble BECAUSE they are depressed, not the other way around. You can't tell situational from more permanent depression simply from someone describing what's happening right now in their life.
Saying "at least you HAVE a relationship" is not helpful in this case. The person still has depression. If someone comes in here saying "meh me and my gf had a fight, what do I do, I'm sad", then that's of course something different. If someone comes in and says "I have depression and I'm in a terrible relationship I can't get out of", saying "at least you have a gf/go to Girl-GAF/just leave her" isn't gonna be helpful, which is why I said we should be open to all people, regardless of why they are depressed or what they're circumstances are. We never know the whole story right away, and they obviously had a reason to come here.
Saying "my reason for depression is better than yours" seems like a slippery slope.
Collete
Member
Fuck my vow of deprivation of the thread.
There's peace and knowing that there's hope you can leave later down the line.
You wanted to continue your education in college and there's an end in sight when you can leave and continue with your life.
It may not happen now, but it can happen in the future if you so pursue it.
When that day comes, I hope you can truly smile and be at peace.
you can make inferences based on the wording
nobody said their reason for depression was better
its not a fucking contest, so shut the fuck up
SteveWinwood
Member
I was having a lot of trouble my last year of college. A professor reached out to me and we just talked for an hour about everything. He knew I wasn't just being lazy and it was just "something" that he had seen take over me the last few months (obviously I now know it was anxiety and depression).
I think you should get a hold of your prof and talk to him about it. Say you know you can do better, and you're just in a funk. Teachers have seen it before they'll be more understanding than you think, and don't worry about them thinking it's an excuse or you're full of bs or something. If it works, then you're better off! If it doesn't, you're right where you started again. It can't hurt.
User 100115
Banned
Found out today that its looking more and more likely that I'm not even going to be able to attend college due to the cost. Even with loans and grants. So there goes my light at the end of the tunnel.
I am being whiny, I know, I'll get over it soon.
As for some of the other questions:
12 years of marriage. Three kids. No work experience or education.
And I learned long ago that talking about the problems in the relationship only makes them worse, so I don't try anymore.
Sorry, let me rephrase my original point. To simplify, let's say someone comes in here, saying they have depression related to a relationship, and they are
a) looking for info on how to deal with the depression. They are more than welcome to stay.
b) looking for info on how to deal with the relationship. They should be redirected to the Girl-Age thread, because that has no place here, really.
Saying "just leave her" is not always helpful, which is what my original quote was about, I was just quoting scar tissue. Just because they're in a relationship doesn't automatically make them "less depressed", because that's just not a thing, I agree.
was this ever actually said?
I was talking about this. Just because they're in a relationship doesn't mean they're better off than you/others. Sorry if I'm misunderstanding what you tried to say.
Yes, but "boo hoo" just sounds "belittle-ing" to me, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, I think we should put this behind us, sorry for bringing it up.
it was also not directed at depressed people, but the people who conflate depression with relationship issues that sometimes appear ITT.
but fair enough, its not worth a discussion
Collete
Member
You shouldn't get over it. This is still a big deal to you.
Can't community college be an answer? It's significantly cheaper than a regular university.
You don't pay for stupid stuff like recreation, health costs, etc at a community college.
I'm sorry if i made them worse.
User 100115
Banned
You never make anything worse, don't worry.
It's a community college I was trying to make work. I could only do it if I got enough in loans and grants to cover tuition, books, and child care. I didn't.
Collete
Member
This is a long shot, but when your kids are in middle school; is it possible to take a leisurely job at a grocery store to rake money in for classes and stuff?
Its great stuff. Beware though that its an actual drug and can be quite addictive if used irresponsibly. Dont take more than 2g at a time and try not to dose more than twice a week. I've been using it for almost two years now, its great for anxiety and it also gives a nice mood bump.
User 100115
Banned
Yeah, maybe. That's basically where I am at now. My youngest isn't even in school yet though.
shadowsdarknes
Member
I lost my grandfather in the middle of October which is the point where I have fallen into an emotionally unstable slump of sorts. Following his funeral I robbed myself of this incredible positive outlook I had going for me. Sometimes I feel trapped inside myself just judging everything going on around me when I was previously marveling at everything, smiling, and emitting positive vibes effortless, like it was natural. Maybe my poor mood has something to do with that even though I thought I had moved on a few weeks ago.
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