Forgive me for not being able to respond to all of you, but I try if I can think of something kind of substantial to say! And if I'm not too late in saying it.
You can also always grab my attention by mentioning my name if you need a response of some kind. You guys can PM me too if you really want.
Man, my life has been going nowhere for the past 7 years. I wish my friends or family would just be like, "Yeah, I think it might be time to kill yourself." Of course that'll never happen, it would just make it so much easier. I'm just tired of trying to get help, I'm tired of people asking me how I'm doing...just tired of it all.
Sorry, just venting here. People always say "It'll get better." Problem is, the only way it will get better is if I try to do something about it and I just don't have the energy to do that anymore. FUCK A DUCK
It's good that your friends and family care enough and for you to realize that to stick around.
You might not have the energy now, but it could be eventually. And it could be you need some kind of spark or inspiration or motivation to do so. Depression causes a kind of inertia barrier, so you might need a LOT more support to just get over the threshold compared to most people, but I think it's possible.
Change can be difficult, and slow.. inconceivably slow, but it happens eventually. And maybe it will take a lot of pushing and shoving with no sign of improvement (like prying open a jar), but suddenly BAM! It just clicks. Or maybe you will be able to see it in little steps at a snail's pace until you make it. Or maybe it will snowball into something great if you just get the ball rolling.
That kind of thing is hard to predict and the wait and uncertainty (or.. the overwhelming sense of certainty that no change can happen) is maddening, but you're still around and you've been holding up so far, and you can do this. Be good to yourself, build that energy up (good diet, good sleep, good thoughts), and try something small and keep going.
I am beginning to realise I might have pretty serious depression.
I always think 'am just down' as I think I know what depression is but the more I think about it the more I realise that those states I was in were a mix of anxiety attacks and serious down periods. Instead I spend most of my time day in day out in a state of depression.
It doesn't help however that I am currently very much in a down swing. A strong one.
Going back to Uni and realising that it finishes soon isn't helping. You see I don't have a job and no one really wants to give me one.
Then there is the matter that is me having to apply for jobs in a depressed, passive aggressive and self destructive state. If I feel hard done by an awkward question or form then I just don't fill it in. Not to mention the effort and time it takes to apply for somewhere when I suspect they'll tell me to bugger off anyway.
Am gonna go look through job boards and stare depressed.
Go have that checked out then. See a GP and have them screen you for depression.
Also if you feel in a down swing wit anxiety, try to relax and centre yourself. You're safe. You are in control. You can decide what to do. If there's a weird question on a form, you just fill it in with what you think they might find acceptable. And you let it go and hope for the interview to clarify if it even comes up. And every effort you spend even if it doesn't land you something is not wasted. It's experience and at least shows that you're trying.
I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I can be fine for a bit, then my world just falls apart and I want to lock myself away and engage in self-destruction. Right now I'm on the verge of tears and hitting my head against a wall for no real reason. My motivation to get anything done regarding school is extremely low right now (about 3 days behind on calculus work, have a French and Biology project due this week and I've started neither, and I have a math test for night school coming up soon), and it doesn't help that my parents push me to "do well" when I know for a fact I just can't anymore. I just want to go away; move to a country where needing an education isn't required and I can just live a simple life.
Windam, you can doo ittttt! No problem! half ass it all the way if you must! You will feel the sense of pride from pulling it off even if it's not spectacular (or like.. hand it in a few days late if you can). It's never the end of the world for these things. There's always second chances in the world of schoolwork (extra credit work, summer school, remedial classes etc).
It sounds like you have a lot of pressure in your life and you just want to feel like you don't need to or aren't expected to live up to all these obligations. I feel the same way a lot, but it helps to reaffirm to yourself that you're doing what you can given the constraints. Take a breath to calm your mind, organize on the first task (maybe that means the easiest take to get the ball rolling) and go about it. Even if all you mange to do it decide the order of tasks you want to do, hey at least it's something. And build from that to keep the cycle going.
And eventually, you can life the simple life if you want. Just find a pathway to get there. Maybe it means that you just want to be worker in a floral shop or a person that stocks shelves at night or drycleaner? Apply for a simple job and live a simple life if you really want. (I understand there might be.. social/familial/cultural pressures that may tell you otherwise, but you do what you need to in order to live your life in balance).
Getting a letter in the mail from Prax makes any Monday better!
Depression-GAF pen pals! OH BOY!
Her drawing of a bagel beats mine, but I think I edge her on girly handwriting.
Seriously, letters are the best! And I will write to you if I have even a remote idea of who you are. Just ask nicely. Hell, I wrote to EdmondD and he's really mean.
The musical tribute I've always wanted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5jdX38zG9s
They misspelled the title, but he clearly sings "I cry BAGEL! BAGEL! Look at me now! The walls of my town, they come crumbling down!"
(The dude playing banjo is about THIS CLOSE to just having sex with his instrument right there on stage! He's into it!)
One key to coping with depression is to cultivate a Prax-ian approach to life: Just delight in silliness and find things to laugh about. There's a positive feedback loop. When I'm feeling like myself, I can't help but see the funny side of things (especially my own quirks and foibles). If I can project that back to the world, I find that other people react to me better, which makes me happier, so I'm more outgoing and silly, so people react to that more, so...
Like I had to demonstrate a physical exam today, and I was actually feeling nervous. It's different just doing it versus doing it with someone watching you and checking off a list of 40 things you need to do. But I was still feeling good today, so I didn't go all serious and freaked out. Instead, I had my patient laughing with me (and at me) in the first 30 seconds, and it went incredibly well. I was just...me. The version of me that I think of as true, the one I want to show to the world. I felt great about it, and I relaxed, and the patient was just super sweet to me, and even the instructor was laughing. I thought I would screw up SOMETHING, but he thought I did great and remarked on what excellent rapport I had with my patient. It just...it all went well, and made me feel like being that way the rest of the day. At my best, I think that I can simultaneously take people's concerns very seriously and feel incredible empathy, and make them feel that and know I care, but also be silly and light-hearted and...approachable? And that's something that I do better than many of my colleagues (if I can be really immodest about it), who tend to go into SERIOUS DOCTOR MODE with patients. Or, if they're sillier, they go way too far that way. I guess I think I have really good bedside manner, if I think about it, but I need to overcome my shyness and self-doubt, and all of my second-guessing and brooding and all the stuff depression does to me to reach that point.
I'll stop rambling. It's hard to control but, like bad moods, good moods can absolutely be self-sustaining. The more I can laugh about things, the more I can nudge myself into a positive feedback loop.
I hope you liked it! And were able to read it! Hah! I was getting scared it was lost or damaged in the mail because of how stupid--I mean BEAUTIFUL--the envelope looked! xD
Hahaha..! You are describing a kind of mindset/approach after me?! ajbjgfsh.. I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THIS GUSHING! @__@ sbajsbv.. If it means my name will live on as a positive message for people, then YES! Indulge in the good and silly and woefully absurd in life whenever you can, because we all know there's plenty of times in life when it will be really hard to do so. You indulge in the good in order to buffer and bolster yourself when life gets rough.
Like you say, you don't need to be a jester all the time. You don't need to be 100% wit. But you can accept things for what they are without ascribing something negative to it. (And people can still be a cynical jerk at times too if they want, but there's a time and place for such things--namely it's probably best to be this way when nothing is at stake and the matter is frivolous--I love me some jerkiness!).
Bagels, you are going to turn into a great doctor! Keep impressing all those patients and supervisors!
Fuck it, booking an appointment to see a doc again, no doubt they will prescribe me something. Was on Fluoxetine over a year ago but never felt like it really did anything for me. Lets see how this goes .....
Well, good job on doing so. If it's not working, then at least you can try something that might.
I've been on a downward spiral since last Wednesday. Work-related issues. Cannot really see any reason to continue with my projects now that I am more aware of their application (read: lack thereof).
Why should I be interested in completing my projects if no-one gives a shit about them but me?
If I had another job offer on the table, I would not think twice about handing in my notice.
I think.. continue them anyway and possibly use it as padding for the next job on your resume. At least they are done. And at least you are paid and at least they will look good on your resume as being things you completed?
Well, I'm currently laughing my ass of but mildy afraid I might fall over at any second. I just inhaled six hits of computer duster and am in such a state that I don't care what happens next.
If I wake up tomorrow I'm definitely editing this post. But everything feels right. Odd thing is I didn't even pick the can up for this purpose, my PC legitimately was dusty and needed to be sprayed off and came through amazon on Friday, just found it in my mailbox. I guess you could call it an experiment with no correct outcome.
Is that really poisonous? I really hope not. That can be dangerous and lead to death in some cases.
Please call 911 or poison control and get help if symptoms persist.
And don't do it again.
