Collete
Member
you wont know unless you try you son of a bitch.
What in hell....
You're probably mad because of what I did, but that isn't necessary.
you wont know unless you try you son of a bitch.
I still refuse...
I just can't accept being helped like this. Doesn't feel right to me.
I may say I push on, but doesn't mean I'm capable of doing so.
What in hell....
You're probably mad because of what I did, but that isn't necessary.
It's some little slice of online pride versus your life. I'd resist, too, but but you really need to get that little push onto your feet. You're not getting anywhere with what you're doing now.
What in hell....
You're probably mad because of what I did, but that isn't necessary.
i say that in a totally friendly way.
oomi: i in no way meant to insult you. i apologize if i caused any trauma or offense. i really think you're awesome. that's what i meant when i called you a son of a bitch. <3.
thats just how i talk to my people.
A lot of you here are lucky,I've been reading some of the posts and I actually wish I was in your position![]()
Dont feel too confident about posting things online, but oh well. Since I dont really know where to go for advice anyway, I guess this thread is as good a place as any.
This isn't a competition.Everyone has something, and their problems are just as valid as anyone else's. There is always someone worse off than you are. It doesn't matter WHY someone is depressed, just that they are.
I'm not considering as a competition.I'm just trying to make you guys cheer up.My bad.
Have you thought about seeing someone? People scoff at it, but seriously, talking to an impartial stranger who won't judge sometimes helps a ton.
I've considered it, but therapy here costs a pretty penny. And judging from feedback I've gotten, it didn't really help anyone. I guess turning online to expose my problems to complete strangers will probably be more helpful.
Well, it breaks down to making people feel weak or stupid for being depressed about 'silly things'. People do that in their lives already. "Oh it's not that bad, cheer up!" Depression isn't about being not cheerful, it's an illness. It's an incredibly hard illness to fight, since your brain convinces you that fighting isn't worth it. You could have the best life ever and still be depressed. People need to be encouraged to fight it, not told that they shouldn't be depressed in the first place. That gives more fuel to the stupid brain tricks of being worthless and such.
My post was really just me being in regret,I'm sorry if I mislead you.I actually REALLY wish I was in some of your positions.I'm not just trying to cheer up gaffers..I'm saying this out of regret.Because I was depressed before and hit me really bad.I was nothing but happy guy ho used to go to work ,chiill with his friends on my day off/weekend,but things started to get bad.My parents got divorced,my best friend died and my brother got pipolar from all the amphetamines he was taking,this all happened in a week,so I got to heroin as a runnaway.I've been stuck with this god of all drugs for 3 years. I lost my job,I sold everything I got...I can't even practice my main hobby anymore which is playing video games..I've been to jail for more than 5 times,not because I got caught,it's actually my dad informing on me!! I wish I can go to Rehab but,I can't afford it.I lost my friends,my mom barely gives a damn about me.All I have left is this laptop and my dad and my GF who's been supporting and never left my side since the day I started..I can't even go out of the house for god's sake.I have NOTHING..and I'm getting tired of it.
That's a pretty precarious situation you're in. I apologize for dogpiling on you like that.
My input was unnecessary.
hi, my name is coldvein and i've suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my life.
it usually takes root in thoughts of uncertainty, or fear. like .. i dont know what my life is about, i dont know where i'm going, i dont think i can be as good as other people. well adjusted people. i feel this crazy electricity when i'm around other people - sometimes its hard for me to talk. its hard for me to express who i am and how i feel to other people. sometimes i feel like i'm a disappointment to my mother. like the way i am is .. letting everybody down.
but i have an ego. my life exists in my mind - even when i'm feeling shitty i know that the most important piece of this whole puzzle is ME. i'm important. i'm as important as the next guy. i've had moments in my life where i wanted to die. when i was ready to give up. when those moments have come, i've been lucky. lucky enough to look down into myself and find the will to go on. or lucky enough to have a mother around to tell me "i dont care if you want to die. i love you and you will live for me no matter what". and ill say "i dont want to" and shell say "well i did you a favor by giving birth to you, so do me a favor and just hang in there". and i have.
right now, i feel as good as i ever have in my life. i still feel fucked up. i still feel really dark and depressed sometimes. i still feel really anxious most of the time. but when i look back and think "how did i get to this point? this relative peace that i have?". there isn't a huge obvious answer that i can share with you guys. like a DO THIS AND YOU TOO CAN BE HAPPY thing. looking back, all i see is that i struggled the whole time. i fought, i cried, i suffered. i took the pills, i got off of the pills. i did drugs, i got off the drugs. i drank heavily, i still do from time to time. the only certain thing to me is that this struggle has built my character. i haven't given up and i never will. and other people see that in me, and appreciate it, and are attracted to me.
i guess my only advice is not to give up.
i've built everything on an ethic. which is not to fold, ever. adversity doesn't "come around", its always here. i define myself by my resistance to it.
Thanks so much for sharing, coldvein. That kind of wisdom is so hard to express - I can't do it in four times the words. I think many of us want to say that same thing - we're broken, too, but we don't give up. You've got to fight this shitty illness. Giving up is so appealing, and you just get so tired, but you draw that strength from what you can, who you can, when you can. And then you're pushing 30, or 32 (we're old!) and you realize that you're still going and you're slowly winning this thing.
I'm just rambling - sorry. I really appreciate you, and everyone else in this thread, who makes that difficult first post, "coming out" as depressed. It's hard, and I know some people feel silly - like they're not "worthy" of posting next to a regular like Fiction (who, holy shit, IS incredible!), but she keeps saying it, and it's true - it's really appreciated, and there's no contest to be the most depressed, or to somehow give INCREDIBLE advice that will cure everyone. We're all working on this and adding our own little bits of wisdom. I admire that courage and honesty. Oomi doesn't see it, but I think we all admire the shit out of her for both helping others and being so brutally honest. You guys all impress the hell out of me. I don't feel worthy posting in here half the time.
It's kind of funny, I've read numerous times that depression is an illness, but I've always considered it part of me, like it's the deepest part of me that knows the "truth" so to speak.
It's only now that that little fact has registered.
It's kind of funny, I've read numerous times that depression is an illness, but I've always considered it part of me, like it's the deepest part of me that knows the "truth" so to speak.
It's only now that that little fact has registered.
...I lost my friends,my mom barely gives a damn about me.All I have left is this laptop and my dad and my GF who's been supporting and never left my side since the day I started..I can't even go out of the house for god's sake.I have NOTHING..and I'm getting tired of it.
I actually droped a tear while typing this.I've never been open about my habit to anyone before,my emotions are dead.Ty for whoever is listening.
Dont feel too confident about posting things online, but oh well. Since I dont really know where to go for advice anyway, I guess this thread is as good a place as any.
I totally understand. Depression is a huge part of who I am. I've learned so much from being ill, and I research it, I read about it for fun, I basically only participate in this thread on GAF...I'd be a very different person if I did not have depression.
Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you suffer from the same cynical condition I do, which is simply cynicism. There is a strong possibility I'm wrong, however. If I am I apologize. I've also only read this post so perhaps you have expressed your feelings in previous posts, which if that is the case I also apologize.
Can I ask a question that is directed towards everyone in this thread? Please answer, I'm genuinely curious. What is/are your passions?
I often think about what kind of person I would be if I didn't feel this way about myself. I imagine someone who doesn't let anything hold him back from pursuing his dreams. If depression really is an illness, maybe there's a possibility I could become that person. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.
I should have clarified, I meant the "truth" about myself, not others or their actions/or motives behind actions.
I can be cynical, however I do not think frequent self hatred/loathing and suicidal thoughts are aspects of cynicism.
To answer your question I have made posts here before detailing some of my issues however they are few since I tend to lurk far more than I post.
My passions are gaming, drawing,and music.
Dont feel too confident about posting things online, but oh well. Since I dont really know where to go for advice anyway, I guess this thread is as good a place as any.
Ive been feeling apathetic and severely depressed for the past few months or so, and since January, barely left my apartment save for grocery shopping and the occasional hangout with friends. The latter being truly the only moment where I can let it all go and have a good time. Ive also had morbid thoughts for the past weeks, but did not have the guts to go through with suicide. Well, except for an episode one month ago where I sat on the 4th-story windowsill of my apartment half-drunk for an hour or so, not giving the slightest care if I fell or not.
Im originally from France, but majored in Economics in the States, and have tried to apply to a Masters Degree back in my hometown in France. For some BS administrative reason, I got rejected, and had to apply for 3rd year classes. This did not really suit well with me, as not only did I get all of those courses covered way back then, I could actually be TEACHING them. As my initial motivation was basically gone around November, I dropped out of college shortly thereafter.
Since then, I have been tutoring kids in English on the side for 1) keeping myself busy 2) getting money. Although I did cancel all commitments I had recently cause I couldnt muster up enough motivation to deal with a bunch of 10-year old brats early in the morning. Ive applied to a couple jobs here and there, and almost got one in Paris as a French/English translator, but someone else got the job. That really hurt my self-confidence, so I havent sent any application letters/resumes since.
On top of that, one of my friends tried to kill himself on NYE while we were on a trip around Europe, and I was the only one around to stop that. He had a lot of personal issues to deal with, but Im still blaming myself for being oblivious to that fact before. Some other personal stuff piled up on top of that, but I really dont feel comfortable speaking about it on a public forum. All I can say is that it only further added to my current depressive state.
So, really, I dont know where to go from now, especially since Ive never had any episodes of severe depression before in my life. Im stuck in a weird sort of Catch-22 where I dont really wanna hang out with people, but dont wanna stay in my apartment wallowing in self-pity. Where I know I need to get out there and find a job, but cant be arsed to get out of bed until 4PM. And while I actually have good friends - and a SO, but shes dealing through some heavy shit ATM and I dont really wanna bother her with mine - whom I can rely on, whenever I see them, I dont really wanna break the mood talking about how I really feel. So, yeah, those days, Im mostly staying at home, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. And I dont really know how to break the cycle. My best friend is in town for two weeks, so Ive been able to put everything on the side for a little while and actually have fun, but I still cannot bring myself to speak about my problems to him, or anyone else for that matter.
Takin' to the razorblade again tonight. Not sure why, just felt like I needed to feel something.
Happy bday broskies
What's with all you pisces. lol
Nothing but a buncho sensitive sweethearts!
(My little sister's birthday is on the 3rd~!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVERYONE!~!!!
Oomikami, Fiction, Bagels, and everyone else too that I missed and/or will have a birthday coming up! XD
(Phew, I think that covers my bases..)
I will be back to spam you all soon~! <3
This has all just been a test-run for MY birthday. I hope everyone realizes that.
happy birthday oomikami and fiction!
Honestly as fantastic as forums can be, having a best friend is an amazing thing because you can learn a ton from talking to them about your problems. Why is it hard to talk to him about these things?
lady-bros :/
Hi.
So I've just returned from my doctor with a script for Lexapro. I am not interested in detailing my woes here. I just need some advice. I have two things ailing me currently: my depression and a work related strain in my neck. I've missed more work than I probably should have over the last year, mainly due to depression. My Dr.'s note excuses me from work yesterday and today and also mentions I've missed about ~1 day a month for the past year. I also have appointments to see a physical therapist twice a week for the next four weeks to try and fix my neck.
I'm just confused about what I should tell my boss. My Doctor explicitly stated that I'm under no obligation to detail why exactly I'm seeing a doctor and why I'm missing work, the only thing that matters is I have a note from him, however on a personal level I feel I do owe some amount of explanation to my work. Its not a bad place. I'm just hesitant about fully explaining my depression/anxiety problems to them, purely from a "covering my own ass" perspective. I'm not sure if its appropriate or if it could bar me from some type of promotion in the future, or what. From the cut-throat "everyone watches his own back" perspective I kind of just want to say "hey, i have something else unrelated to work that I'm getting help with, thats all you need to know." But on the other hand I don't really have any reason to distrust them and I do feel like I need to explain my spotty attendance to them at least in some capacity.
Its just this weird confused issue because I do have this neck thing that I'm now being treated for, but I also have this other crazy longstanding issue that I'm being treated for coincidentally at the same time.
Should I be withholding, or should I just roll like I usually do and be real about it?
I'm just confused about what I should tell my boss. My Doctor explicitly stated that I'm under no obligation to detail why exactly I'm seeing a doctor and why I'm missing work, the only thing that matters is I have a note from him, however on a personal level I feel I do owe some amount of explanation to my work.