Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Neo, you're not psychic so to assume your whole life will be miserable based off of a trend is a logical fallacy. It does not always get worse. In fact, when it gets rough, it tends to get better a while later. Life is a roller coaster and no one is EVER happy all the time. However, life is full of moments that make it all worth while. Yes, they're moments, but some moments simply last a lifetime. I beg for you to give it time and to be open-minded even in the worst of times. I know it's hard; we're all in this thread for the same reason. You seem to be in a very dark place and I really hope the best for you.
When you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I don't know if things will get better, but if you're sure they can't get worse, then you've got nothing to lose by trying. Trying to continue every day. It may not be easy, but you have to do it, you have to.
There are things worth missing. Think about the thing you want the most, think about finding "love" (I use quotation marks as I don't believe in it, but maybe you do), finding a partner. Do you really want to prevent yourself from ever experiencing that?
Yes it is. If what you're fighting for is something you want, or believe is a good goal, then all the pain and suffering is worth it. C'mon Oomi, you're a strong girl. You can do it.
If you need someone to talk, I'm available.
What are you anxious of? I get attacks which come in fits and starts, my current anxiety triggered when I felt my heart skip a beat a week ago which triggered my flight or fight response which hasn't really settled since.
It sucks when you can't get a handle on your bodies stress response, and then your sub conscious starts playing tricks on your body by triggering little aches and pains all over the place for you to worry about further.
I've got beta blockers in the cupboard which I haven't needed for 6 months but I'm popping like smarties at the minute to try to get a handle on my fucked up stress receptors.
Collete
Member
There's no guarantee everything will be all right...It could all go wrong...
By the way, I think I have an eating disorder but I'm unsure...It could just be stress but it's been happening like this for awhile....I have no appetite to eat, I worry about gaining weight more than I should, I only eat at least one meal a day (dinner) the rest of the time I drink tea or a cracker or two...I don't know if it's annorexia per se, depression, or stress taking over or it's something I don't know about it...anyone might know?
Edit: I'm not underweight though...I'm actually at a healthy level, but ever since January I think I lost a total of 13 pounds and it's been dropping kind of.
NeOak
Member
I had a similar issue with the food. I only drank half a bottle of 5 hour energy during the morning, the rest at noon and went to BK and ate a Whooper for dinner.
It was stress related to my finals. Lasted a week.
As for the guarantee, there isn't, but the gamble is worth the gains.
Collete
Member
But this has been happening for 3 months...
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Are you on anti-depressants? Some help with appetite loss.
Collete
Member
No, haven't been on anti-depressants since 3 years ago. And that was Celexa.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Did that help at all?
So I went to my first appointment today, and talked with a psychiatric professional. Very nice man, but he was basically a person who would just evaluate me for possible medication. Didn't really talk about a whole lot of specifics, it was more about how I was feeling and what I was likely to do.
He basically said I sound like I am suffering from chronic depression, no surprises there. No hints from him that I was suffering from autism disorders, or any other psychiatric conditions. He said from the sound of it though, this problem has persisted in my for so long that it has just continued to get worse.
If I wanted to talk more about my social anxiety, and learning how to behave within social settings, he wasn't the person to talk to, but he did make an appointment with another person for that with me next week.
In the mean time, he set me up on an antidepressant (effexor), which I'll take once a day, and increase the dosage after so many days. It'll take some time to have an effect on me, but to help with anxiety that I have been experiencing lately, he also gave me something that will work faster(klonazepam), but can be addictive, only supposed to take that as needed. Lastly, he thought getting a better sleep schedule might help me, and he gave me something else that I can take before bed to try and sleep at night(trazadone), instead of staying up all night like I usually do.
When he described some of the depression symptoms, and how it affects the brain, about how a person will dwell on certain things, and go over the negative more and more, instead of the positive, it really sounded like me. Hopefully this will help me out, but even with the antidepressant, I feel I have a long way to go. I need to learn how to be better in social situations, and not jump to the wrong conclusions all the time. I'm taking some big steps, but I haven't gotten there yet.
He basically said I sound like I am suffering from chronic depression, no surprises there. No hints from him that I was suffering from autism disorders, or any other psychiatric conditions. He said from the sound of it though, this problem has persisted in my for so long that it has just continued to get worse.
If I wanted to talk more about my social anxiety, and learning how to behave within social settings, he wasn't the person to talk to, but he did make an appointment with another person for that with me next week.
In the mean time, he set me up on an antidepressant (effexor), which I'll take once a day, and increase the dosage after so many days. It'll take some time to have an effect on me, but to help with anxiety that I have been experiencing lately, he also gave me something that will work faster(klonazepam), but can be addictive, only supposed to take that as needed. Lastly, he thought getting a better sleep schedule might help me, and he gave me something else that I can take before bed to try and sleep at night(trazadone), instead of staying up all night like I usually do.
When he described some of the depression symptoms, and how it affects the brain, about how a person will dwell on certain things, and go over the negative more and more, instead of the positive, it really sounded like me. Hopefully this will help me out, but even with the antidepressant, I feel I have a long way to go. I need to learn how to be better in social situations, and not jump to the wrong conclusions all the time. I'm taking some big steps, but I haven't gotten there yet.
Collete
Member
The Celexa? No. Not at all. I was really jittery and couldn't sleep while I was on it.
That kind of stuff has me worried about starting medication. I'm afraid the side effects won't make things any easier.
I'm never going to find it. Why spend a lifetime trying to find it when the whole lifetime is awful and painful. Feels like a waste.
Not true. If you told me this five years ago I would know now you were wrong.
$500 bucks says the next 3 weeks will be shitty just like it was last 3 weeks ago. Now tell me I am wrong.
Collete
Member
Well to be fair I didn't give my antidepressants much chance to wait out the side effects. Probably should have done that but was experiencing mid term weeks at the time and desperately needed sleep. You'll find an antidepressant that will work for you, don't worry.
I'm running off two and a half hours of sleep, so just ignore any typos/grammar errors. Bombed my biology quiz today (did so bad my teacher called me out in front of everyone). Saw my school's social worker the period before my calculus test, and told her about my suicidal thoughts. I ended up having to go to the hospital from school in the back of an unmarked police car (which was so obviously a police car because no one owns a white Crown Victoria, and there was a cop driving, so...) after a police crisis intervention unit came to my school to talk to me.
Was at the hospital for about two hours and I was interviewed, much like I was back in October before I started therapy. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow morning to re-evaluate the meds I'm on (wellbutrin) to determine whether or not I should stick with them. I felt kind of humiliated getting checked by a cop before sitting in the backseat of their car, and the stares I attracted. But you know what? I'm even more sick of life; in response to my teacher calling me out, I just told her "I gave up," and I really did. I didn't have it in me to try; to think. I was going to walk into my calculus test knowing I was gonna fail it awfully, but instead I wound up at the hospital.
I feel super anxious right now over nothing. I'm so sick of this constant back and forth business in response to my mental health. I just want to feel good again. I don't remember what "good" or "fun" is. I'm so tired of this fight.
TL;DR failed bio quiz horribly, felt like shit, saw school social worker, and had to leave school in a cop car to go to the hospital to have a psychiatric assessment. Tired of this shit.
Was at the hospital for about two hours and I was interviewed, much like I was back in October before I started therapy. I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow morning to re-evaluate the meds I'm on (wellbutrin) to determine whether or not I should stick with them. I felt kind of humiliated getting checked by a cop before sitting in the backseat of their car, and the stares I attracted. But you know what? I'm even more sick of life; in response to my teacher calling me out, I just told her "I gave up," and I really did. I didn't have it in me to try; to think. I was going to walk into my calculus test knowing I was gonna fail it awfully, but instead I wound up at the hospital.
I feel super anxious right now over nothing. I'm so sick of this constant back and forth business in response to my mental health. I just want to feel good again. I don't remember what "good" or "fun" is. I'm so tired of this fight.
TL;DR failed bio quiz horribly, felt like shit, saw school social worker, and had to leave school in a cop car to go to the hospital to have a psychiatric assessment. Tired of this shit.
Sir Abacus
Member
Medication affects everyone differently. If you have side effects tell your doctor immediately. If the side effects are extremely hard to tolerate they can adjust dosage or the medication used. There is an element of trial and error because everyone's body chemistry is different. Also there is an element of patience required as you adjust. I've watched guys adjust to Seroquel doses that are extremely high but it takes a week or three. I took a little while to adjust to Gabapentin and it still knocks me on my ass at times. But the relief of the symptoms of anxiety is crucial while I'm getting the therapy I need (I'm in a full day outpatient program) and to give me a solid flooring while I'm still practising the skills I'm learning. Which leads me to my next statement.
You need to find a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist can give you relief from the symptoms but therapy is what will get you out of the hole long term. It will give you the tools to change your thought patterns and make you the person you want to be. Look for programs at reputable local hospitals that work on an outpatient basis. They are typically great, safe environments to start with therapy. It's intensive but if you put in the work it's extremely rewarding.
It just dawned on me, as I was taking a bath and then again while I was making breakfast, that this is how life will always be. There simply can't be another way. I'll never find a girl who wants to be with me, I'll never get a job I enjoy doing, I'll never stop being a failure, I'll never feel happy with my life. That's the keyword here: never. Things won't happen.
And I question myself if there's any point in going on. Surely there must be, right? But instead, I cannot shake off this feeling that I'd love the bus to crash today (with me in it), or something like that...
And I question myself if there's any point in going on. Surely there must be, right? But instead, I cannot shake off this feeling that I'd love the bus to crash today (with me in it), or something like that...
Goddamn it. I take public transportation to commute to school, and I was going to leave at 5am with my mom to go to the subway station so I can take my math test , which I know I will fail, early, so I could get back home early.
I stupidly stayed up late last night and slept in. It is now 10:15am. I have no fucking desire at all to go take this test. I know it'd be incredibly stupid to just let there be a zero on the test, but I feel I will fail it anyway, there's no point. I just didn't study/ I don't know the material enough. It doesn't help that the teacher said there would be a lot of application problems on the test, which I hate and don't practice enough. I feel like if I took it, I'd literally get close to 0 points. I feel sick to my stomach right now, I hate going to school anyway, let alone for this test.
Whatever, I'll go. Maybe I can snag a D if I'm lucky and it wont be so bad.
I stupidly stayed up late last night and slept in. It is now 10:15am. I have no fucking desire at all to go take this test. I know it'd be incredibly stupid to just let there be a zero on the test, but I feel I will fail it anyway, there's no point. I just didn't study/ I don't know the material enough. It doesn't help that the teacher said there would be a lot of application problems on the test, which I hate and don't practice enough. I feel like if I took it, I'd literally get close to 0 points. I feel sick to my stomach right now, I hate going to school anyway, let alone for this test.
Whatever, I'll go. Maybe I can snag a D if I'm lucky and it wont be so bad.
GO. Please go. I did this. Don';t be like me. It was a terrible decision.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Just posting this because this song always cheers me up.
Blind Guardian - The Bard's Song
Blind Guardian - The Bard's Song
Collete
Member
Needed a change of pace, thanks.
Well, I'm here. About to take the test in a couple minutes. I'll still flunk, but I guess its better than a 0.
This is kind of how I feel. I'm lucky enough to have found a field that I like, but yeah, referring to my temperament, emotional state, self-esteem, body image, being terrible with women, shyness, social awkwardness, etc, I feel at this point that they'll never get better and I might as well accept myself for who I am. But I always end up being upset about it from time to time.
Speaking of jobs, it's funny going to college knowing that there is absolutely zero chance I will get a job after I graduate. The joys of learning, i guess!
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Mistakes can be good. Have you never watched The Magic School Bus?
Verbal Intercourse
Banned
Things are catching up and my only defense is indifference.
I've lied to my therapists and NPP this past semester. Smoked weed daily. Did A quality work in most my classes till I mismanaged my time, now about to drop out--for the 3rd time--despite being recommended for the prestigious Honors Program. Parents are supportive (to the best of their abilities), yet unaware of all this because I rather not worry them or deal with their anxieties. My thoughts are fucked, racing, impulsive, and soothingly destructive. A noticeable subjective change in perception. I've hung onto a recurring thought the past month or so: steal my friend's gun and put a bullet in my head. Because fuck it. I don't feel overwhelmed by sadness--rather sick of all this shit, my bullshit included, and an evident lack of self-control. I'm sick of therapy and doctors and hospitalization. Sick of reading about the dirt of humanity on this forum, yet I'd rather be aware than ignorant to it all (however detrimental to my psyche). I don't hate myself. I'm not a victim--just pathologically self-absorbed. From depression to anxiety, OCD, sensory sensitivity, ADHD, Bipolar--really now, this is how you assess people, like throwing darts? The least we can agree is I am maladapted--the inevitability that my mental health will be a burden in life.
I thought I wanted to meet people, love again, reclaim happiness, and transition to independence. Maybe not.
I really want to kiss this one girl, get high together, and fuck--knowing that we're both toxic. I want to pick at her brain and see if she's as miserable as she seems--just to relate and counter the loneliness. I can't really stop thinking about her either--a bit concerning--but chalk it up to neuroticism and being horny. Fuck it though, whether it's happiness or passing grades, I'm chasing chemicals.
I've lied to my therapists and NPP this past semester. Smoked weed daily. Did A quality work in most my classes till I mismanaged my time, now about to drop out--for the 3rd time--despite being recommended for the prestigious Honors Program. Parents are supportive (to the best of their abilities), yet unaware of all this because I rather not worry them or deal with their anxieties. My thoughts are fucked, racing, impulsive, and soothingly destructive. A noticeable subjective change in perception. I've hung onto a recurring thought the past month or so: steal my friend's gun and put a bullet in my head. Because fuck it. I don't feel overwhelmed by sadness--rather sick of all this shit, my bullshit included, and an evident lack of self-control. I'm sick of therapy and doctors and hospitalization. Sick of reading about the dirt of humanity on this forum, yet I'd rather be aware than ignorant to it all (however detrimental to my psyche). I don't hate myself. I'm not a victim--just pathologically self-absorbed. From depression to anxiety, OCD, sensory sensitivity, ADHD, Bipolar--really now, this is how you assess people, like throwing darts? The least we can agree is I am maladapted--the inevitability that my mental health will be a burden in life.
I thought I wanted to meet people, love again, reclaim happiness, and transition to independence. Maybe not.
I really want to kiss this one girl, get high together, and fuck--knowing that we're both toxic. I want to pick at her brain and see if she's as miserable as she seems--just to relate and counter the loneliness. I can't really stop thinking about her either--a bit concerning--but chalk it up to neuroticism and being horny. Fuck it though, whether it's happiness or passing grades, I'm chasing chemicals.
Collete
Member
No. not this mistake...I really just had it.
What happened? PM/talk to someone about it. I'm sure it will be alright.
Collete
Member
It's not all right.
No...There's no point anymore.
Edit: *sigh* just forget it. I'm not gonna push this anymore....
Please talk to someone.
I have class and then seminar, otherwise I would offer myself :/ClassyPenguin
Banned
I'll be on steam later on if you feel the need to vent.
Agent Cooper
Member
Going to talk to my therapist about anxiety meds.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of this.
Oomi, please don't do anything stupid. Hang on, keep fighting. Don't give in, please. And know that we're available if you need someone to talk or vent to. Don't give up on us, and don't give up on yourself.
Why do you feel this way? I mean I completely understand, because I have been feeling the same way as of late, but people always tell me that I have to be willing to make a change if I want things to get better. That I'm "my own worst enemy". Sounds a little like you're the same way, that maybe you're being too hard on yourself. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel because I am in the same state of mind right now. One thing i do believe is that when someone is so down about something, and they think the same shitty circumstance will never go away...chances are it won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, if you keep saying to yourself and thinking things won't get better, you're right, they won't with that mindset. As tough as it is, staying positive, and optimistic about the future, and not dwelling on past mistakes...then you're at least giving yourself a chance. Dwelling on the past doesn't help, I know this all too well.
Because I never had a proper girlfriend, it's been almost 2 years since I was with the only girl I've "been with" in my whole life, I rarely go out with friends, my life is completely empty. I waste my money on music CDs and Steam games (though I don't think music is a waste, but games usually are, as I'll never play even half of them), I don't enjoy my work, I suck at playing bass and feel I'll never improve. I don't feel like going to the gym anymore, I haven't gone there in 2 weeks. I'm skinny and hideous, my hair is a mess (though now that it's short it's not as horrible as before), I look like a former child actor who became a disaster, and no one could ever take me seriously, no woman could ever want to be with me (I don't blame them at all; I wouldn't either!). Basically, I'm what you can call a failure.
One thing i do believe is that when someone is so down about something, and they think the same shitty circumstance will never go away...chances are it won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, if you keep saying to yourself and thinking things won't get better, you're right, they won't with that mindset. As tough as it is, staying positive, and optimistic about the future, and not dwelling on past mistakes...then you're at least giving yourself a chance. Dwelling on the past doesn't help, I know this all too well.
I guess you're right, my life won't change if I keep thinking like that. But in my defense, the last couple of months I tried to be optimistic, to have a positive mind. And it was completely useless. My life won't get better, and I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
And I'm such a hypocrite. There I am, telling people that their lives will get better, that they have to keep living and having hope, and here I am, feeling exactly the opposite, and knowing that the things I say to others don't apply to myself. Honestly, I deserve to feel like I do. I deserve this.
Prax
Member
Oomi, you can get through this.
Keep looking for hope and giving yourself more chances at life.
There are people fighting for you even if you didn't ask for it. And there are people who care even if you don't know about it.
NeOak
Member
People come and go in our lives. What we should treasure are the things we learned from our experiences with them.
If you had the chance, would you change what happened?
Collete
Member
Yes...I wouldn't have let myself be with him when I was younger.
But it doesn't matter now....
ClassyPenguin
Banned
*hugs*
Sorry to hear that. Break ups are never easy.
Sorry to hear that. Break ups are never easy.
NeOak
Member
Then what is it?
Can't it be for the better then? Try to learn about what happened, so you can have that knowledge and experience in the future. You can pull through this; consider this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
Your boyfriend?
I'm so tired of unrequited love. I wish i knew that someone was interested in. who am i kidding im fat and not good looking.
Bel Marduk
Banned
Really? I have no idea what you look like but you seem to have a very self defeating attitude. Do you think that could be a factor in your lack of a dating life? Nobody is going to want to be with someone who wallows in self pity as much as you do.
Lots of people in this thread have given you very good advice on improving your situation and yet you don't seem the slightest bit interested in trying to improve yourself. Frankly, its aggrivating to read anything you post. Do you think others might view you the same way and that it might affect your dating life?
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