NNnghh~~ Okay! I let this build up way too much (things I want to reply to). I need to make this more manageable for myself! I get really anxious when it comes to socializing or even replying to things. Even when there are times when I know I have something I want to say, or just want to say anything at all and "join in", there's this barrier of inertia and fear about being judged, or not being up to snuff. And then there's the added pressure and anxiety on top when you let it go on for too long already and you're in the uncomfortable position of not knowing whether you should even bother anymore or how to strategically/smoothly segway yourself into it. And then it's just draining even thinking about it.
I am sure most of you procrastinators and anxious people out there know that feeling of impending not-quite-doom-but-just-don't-want-to-deal-anyway!
TIPS: (for myself and anybody else that knows the feeling!):
- break off a large chunk of the task so you feel like it's not a big task anymore! Phew! relief! (Example: I figured I'll only cruise through the last two latest pages to look for things to respond to instead of the 10 pages I missed --and if I didn't respond to you, please don't feel bad! I am reaching some kind of word limit and am banking on people not being judgmental! lol)
- remind yourself that just people are less judgmental than you think and probably won't notice, and even if they do, it's okay! (Example: I am sure most of you don't mind that I haven't responded in a while or don't even know who I am. lol Except Bagels who is massively disappointed in me, but it's okay! Hahah~)
- if it's not a serious matter, don't beat yourself up over it. Screwing up on the inconsequential is pretty okay! (Example: there's lots of stuff I let myself and others down on and though it eats at me, I have to remind myself that it was not a life-or-death matter and there's a lot of "grey-whatever" areas to pad life out with, and that's what makes an interesting sitcom/show/drama anyway, so okay!)
- just do a small task related to it and it can build momentum and snowball into a finished chain of actions (Example: I even avoided reading the thread for a couple of days, so I thought "okay, I better just start reading and check maybe.. and here I am! typing! It doesn't follow through all the time because inertia is a mighty force, but hey, efforts count. It's like prying a lid off of a jar. Maybe all the previous struggles are somehow "loosening" the lid even though it feels like nothing is budging!)
- also who cares about segwaying perfectly. It's okay to wing it sometimes! (Example: look at me winging~~~)
*** I am great at analogies. >_>
Okay! On with replies!
AND I AM SORRY THIS IS SUPER LONG EVERYONE BUT THIS IS JUST HOW I ROLL
I'm so drained. My dad thinks he'll make me happy by buying me shit; my mom thinks religion is the answer; my sister... I don't know. Other people in my life don't/can't know, and the few that do are either insensitive or like to pretend they don't notice anything. Therapy isn't helping. Meds aren't helping. I got my laptop that I'm supposed to use for university today. I honestly don't feel like I'll live long enough to see that, and I'm thinking getting it is going to prove to be an expensive mistake if returning it isn't possible. (I'm sure my dad wouldn't let me do it anyway as he'd get suspicious.) Every day is a little worse. Friday's emotional breakdown is going to be one of many in the next few weeks I feel. I can't deal with this.
I think it will be better if you try to think more positively of their actions. They are trying in their own way to help you. It's not always going to be perfect or what you need, but it shows you that they care and want to support you. As for the others that seem insensitive, it could be that they don't know how to even deal with it or are scared that whatever things they try to "help" you with will only make it worse. That's their own psychological barrier that they may need to struggle with sometime in the future. If you can count on them for other things, like a good laugh or to help out with homework or to play a game with occasionally, then do that with them. Everyone in your life can have a role to play even if it's peripheral.
You're also using things to try and help yourself, like the therapy and meds, so that's good. Applaud yourself for the effort as well, even if the meds and therapy aren't 100%. Most of those things take significant amounts of time and personal effort/life changes to work, so talk to your therapist/psychiatrist about the meds to see if they need to change and keep ploughing on. You might be surprised how far you manage to go despite feeling like you're getting nowhere.
Use the laptop for university. It will be awesome. I remember making a rash laptop purchase for university.. but it's paid for itself by saving my butt from boredom and letting my type last minute essays/reports while on the subway. Maybe try to be less of a procrastinator than me though. >_> Do a little each day to keep the anxiety at bay.
Anxiety been treating me like crap lately. It's always been an aspect of what I was going through but it was never the focus when I was wallowing in depression. But now that I'm a bit more stable in that department there are things I want to do in life, namely get a job. But whenever I need to go out and do something I just panic. I know what I'm doing is no big deal, just handing in resumes or meeting someone, I've done it before and been fine and even if it, for some reason, goes weird it'd be over in 30 minutes. And I keep trying to tell myself that but I can never seem to connect common sense to my body. Should I look into medical options? I really want to move forward with my life but I've been finding this really difficult.
Good to hear you've moved past the depression and feel more stable. Have you ever tried any kind of therapy or self-talk/visualization methods to calm yourself down? Like say you realize what's about to happen, so you take 5 deep breaths and count to ten and stand yourself in a sturdy stance, etc. Kind of like physically reminding your body that you are okay and not under attack. I think that might help on top of giving your brain the logic of the outcome.
Meds can also be an option to help take the edge off or to smooth out the amount of panic. So while the meds do their job, you can work on the coping skills part to ground yourself and bring yourself down from the height of panic.
My anxiety has never been so bad that I needed medication except for when it got coupled with depression, but meds have helped my friends and family who have had a lot of issues with anxiety and panic attacks, so it seems pretty effective. Leave it open as an avenue for yourself.
I'm a mess. I don't really know where to begin, but basically my family is threatening to get mental health help for me whether I want it or not. No one can actually make me see anyone for my problems, but I don't know what's going to happen now that they're apparently at the breaking point with me. I totally admit that I'm in complete shambles to the point that I can barely function, but I don't even know how I'd benefit from help anyway. I'm an introspective person so it's not like I need someone else to reveal the hidden mysteries of my own feelings to me; I'm just irreparably fucked up.
Condolences for your loss. It sounds like it really did a number on you. Do you feel like you were given enough time to grieve over her? Like remember all the good things about her in order to take focus away from the suffering she felt in the end?
I don't think your family is so much as threatening as they are very concerned about you and want to help you in every way they can but don't know how. I think after you listed everything, you may realize that yes, indeed you probably do need professional help to sort through all of this. It's a lot for one person to take on ONE of those things, let alone all of the things you listed.
You say you don't know how they can even help, but it's worth it to try and find out if it can. As introspective you are (and most people with depression and anxiety are -- like me~), there's only so much you can do for yourself in an echochamber, especially one that keeps interrupting you with anxiety-provoking thoughts. It's not so much that a therapist will reveal your own feeling to you, but that they validate that you feel this way (Important! Nobody likes being dismissed!), and then present you with a different way of thinking or method or strategy to help you. I think it's much harder to come up with those solutions by yourself when you're plagued by all these thoughts and feelings. You don't really have much to lose from trying anyway, and a lot to gain. So it's a good gamble if there ever were one.
Hopefully you don't worry so much about becoming "reliant/dependent" as you say. You don't know how things will go, and maybe they can help you live an independent life again and ween off of all the aids over time. Also, even if you do need a lot of help in the future, it's not like we really shame people for suddenly realizing they need to "rely" on glasses, or being "dependent" insulin when they get severe diabetes. The things you need to live well are the things you need, and you don't have to deny yourself of them.
And I'm glad to read from your other replies that you are considering the help and feeling more positive about it! I just wanted to help reinforce that notion and I hope things get better for you. There is hope, and you can get through this a little at a time.
Thanks for the words, Bagels. Still reading and processing--but at the very least, the fact alone that someone took the time to write that much validates my decision to post in the thread.
1. I wanted to offer up some additional details on communication problems. I don't have any real family. I have cousins I have never met and what not, but my brother went mental and incommunicado about 2 years ago and my mom died about a half year before that. These were my previous vents for mental things I was going through, and losing them in close proximity was kind of the precursor for my emotional withdrawal. It doesn't help that it was only about a year or so before that things went nuclear bad to extents they never even know. My mom (also crazy), never knew about, say, me totaling cars or getting arrested several times. When things went bad it was like I took it as accepting the fact that I had no choice but to become an ordained loner. Okay, this paragraph ended up being a fragment of an idea, but I have a meeting in 5 minutes so I'm rushing to spill my brain. . .
2. In regard to behavior and instability maiming friendships, an experience I've had at least thrice is that I'll notice a formerly close friendship (or semi-romantic endeavor) has become hacked up into something far more casual than it was before. Looking backward from this realization, I can sometimes pinpoint just about when things changed, and it's usually because I went over the edge on something but didn't realize it at the time. I've always been frozen about what to do with this information. I can't say, now, "Hey, remember how we used to be much closer friends and spend much more free time doing shit? And then you had to talk the police out of arresting me when I got all deranged and busted my car window apart with my MacBook? Did you notice how things got weird after that? Let's make them unweird again!" I can't think of a sane way to address these crippled friendships, and in a real way I think I'm better off to let them die off. Jesus fuck I hate my fucking life. Kee-rhist.
Ah well, time to rush to a team meeting that I will try to not make too interesting. Sigh.
It sounds like there's some aspect of embarrassment or shame you don't want others to have to confront, so you'd rather just distance yourself to save everyone the trouble? Is that accurate? Because that's pretty much what I do. I figure things are too weird to explain/don't want to know what the hypothetically-horrible-reaction might be, so I never let people get too close and then everyone but my family and really close friends just drift away (even then, I have withdrawn from my close friends a bunch too!).
I actually think it's fine to just get it out in the open and just.. let everyone acknowledge how weird things have gotten. I in fact had to muster up the courage to do that a few times (because like I said, i tend to withdraw and maybe go on radio silence for weeks, months, maybe even a year to even my closest friends) and it went pleasantly more okay than I expected. It's not 100% the way it used to be, but there are lots of moments when it is and it reminds me how wonderful and understanding people can be.
Even if you were to tell them, "listen, I'm kind of messed up and sometimes I go to weird places, so I understand you might not look at me the same, but I have always valued our friendship and always will", it might show them how genuine you are and things may open up between you and them again. Even allow them to call you out on it if you ever get that way again. You don't have to be a loner because of it! People just want to know what they have to deal with and you can give them that choice.
I don't know who I am - I'm not even sure if I even exist as a person with a discrete set of characteristics or I just adapt to please those around me. Despite having no tangible sense of self I'm petrified of what others will think of me to the extent that I hide when the doorbell rings when I'm in on my own and feel faint and transform into a stuttering mess when forced into situations where I have to speak to people (usually doctors or receptionists because I'm always convinced I'm dying of one thing or another). I have this interminable feeling that I'm not ready or worthy yet, when I've lost a bit of weight or sorted out my appearance or expanded my knowledge or vocabulary I'll be ready and I can reboot my life, but it never comes. I can't get enthusiastic or motivated about anything or the prospect of doing anything meaningful with my life because I'll inevitably mess everything up just like I've done before, and anyway I'm not ready yet. And I'm probably embellishing or exaggerating all of the above because that's what I tend to do.
I used to feel this way a bunch! Maybe because of the social anxiety and wanting to please others and meet all their expectations. I was (and still am kinda) afraid of answering/making phonecalls, receiving emails/PMs/texts, being greeted on the street, ordering food/asking for help. You know. All the stuff that I suppose most people love or have no problem with.
A lot of it has to do with the self-criticism/self-judgment. Over time, I found the best way to get over it was a two pronged approach: self-compassion and pure exposure/practice in social situations.
Obviously, I'm still not perfect, but it's a lot better! Maybe 50 more years and I'll get it down! (Or 10 if I'm being optimistic lol).
So yeah, it does sound like heavy social anxiety to me. Be KINDER to yourself. The compassion you have toward others and non-judgment of others because you're probably too worried about how they see you? Feel that toward yourself. It might take a while to really "get it", but it works. I started thinking of myself as another character, really (like in third person, or if I was my own friend/daughter). If your friend messed up while trying to work on a really cool project, would you think less of them for it? Probably not. You'd probably sympathize and be sad for them, but you'd also probably be happy they even tried, you'd compliment and highlight everything they did manage to accomplish and learn, and you'd admire them still. Now turn that around for yourself. Yes it's hard and will take practice, but it gets easier over time and you need to do it to counter all the negative thoughts of yourself anyway.
As for the headaches, it could be related to the anxiety/stress. I know I felt like I was probably having an aneurysm while laying in bed stressing out about my life once. But check with a doctor just to make sure. Write down what you need to say if you find yourself going blank a lot. "Hi I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. _____. Is ____ at ____ okay?" And then you explain to the doctor and who cares if what you say sounds stupid. It's their job to sort that out! xD (this is how I have tried to think nowadays when I am faced with having to face someone for a service-- "Who cares what they think of me. It's their job to deal with people like me!" --and really, there are much worse people). Mention the crippling anxiety while you're at it. The doctor may suggest medication or be able to refer you to a therapist. Keep your options open!
You're not beyond repair and we're all slowly trying to build ourselves to someone we want to be over time.
I could choose to become 'homeless' and live in a Lodge or remain in this house with my abusive father. I think I'd feel even more lonely in a Lodge. Besides that I sent out a housing application for available houses in particular areas. Waiting to hear back..
That is a really tough decision to have to make. I think you made the right choice in applying and giving yourself options though. It's probably better to be lonely for a while than to be in a abusive relationship forever, whether with a lover or family member. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out.
In the meantime, avoid your father if you must keep yourself safe. I'm not sure of the level of abuse, so I'm hoping it's not the wort-case scenario.
Made it to the gym didnt think i would go today after feel so bad.
I need to make some big chances in my life just dont know how.
I'm glad you found the motivation in you to just go and do it anyway.
I know all the changes to make seem difficult or impossible to do, or you might not know where to even start, but I think your continuing to work out at the gym is a gradual step of many and is a good thing.
Not sure about what other changes you want to be made, but it might be easier to just have a list of goals and the little steps you need to take to tackle them. Then you can do a little at a time and it will build up into something in the end.
You've been sounding much more positive lately, so I'm pretty happy for you!
If this helps anyone, sweet. I'm going to ramble just to document what I'm thinking and while some of it may be obvious, I find some reinforcement helps.
Bi-polar disorder sure makes life interesting. I was hung up on my lack of insight in how I came across at various times (raging asshole to goofy antics), but my psychologist assured me a study was conducted and it turns out people are wrong about how they think others perceive them 80% of the time.
Everyone, this is good advice. Or a good mindset at least!
I now bank on the fact that people are less concerned about you than they are about themselves and their own issues. So it's okay to be a little weird or apart from the norm. Or even if you're way too "mediocre". It takes all kinds to make the world interesting.
Just got Citalopram of the doc, Can't wait till that serotonin goodness improves my life in the next few weeks.
Also got a docs line for a month off work full pay.
Also try to make improvements with your lifestyle too while the meds kick in and give you more mental peace to do so! Like maybe take a week for much needed vacation, then the next couple to work on something, like cognitive-behavioural therapy stuff (coping strategies, good self-talk, etc). Good luck with it and I hope you're feeling better!
I have been woefully unhappy lately and I'm not positive that I want to live anymore. I'm just bored with life, really.
Is the unhappiness to do with the boredom, or is the boredom on top of the unhappiness? Is there any hobby or passion that you used to have but have given up on? Does nothing in the future, whether it's as trivial as a game release or the next E3, not excite you? And have you expressed any of these feelings to friends/family/doctor?
Hopefully you do have some support in place that you can get help from. And maybe a passion that you want to pursue in your free time can also help lift your mood.
Dammit, it was all going so well today :'(
Basically having the talk with the GF tomorrow, been building for days but I thought it was getting back to normal. The trouble is that I've lost contact with my real friends, just got university acquaintances and work colleagues. I let her be my social life, instead of rebuilding my own.
Unfortunately its happened at the worst time, important assignments due in tomorrow and next week, which I'm slightly behind on from stressing about her, and before the summer break.
I just don't want to be lonely again (like I was 2 years ago).
Why do I have to get anxious and cry, when some people just seem to get on with life.
The talk as in what, looking to break up with her? Can't that just be postponed until you get everything else done?
I am not good with relationship stuff, so I hope that all works out for you.
You got a girlfriend once, and you can do it again, even if you are lonely for a while. Why not invite university or colleague out with you for a celebration of a semester done sometimes soon (good excuse, right??)? Or just say yes to any social events more than usual to help you build more social connections again. You can also always contact your old friends again. I would say there shouldn't be any shame in that!
Also, it's okay to get anxious and cry and just let it out. It's a whole lot of stress buildup. Sometimes you need that before you can wipes your face and get on with whatever else.
Can I just give shoutouts [...] to Prax, who takes the community more seriously than anyone I know and actually does give the kind of great advice I wish I could muster;[...]
Oho, are you suuuuure? xDDD Although the field of mental health will always be important to me, so I guess, yeah! I SHOULD take it seriously!
It's always nice to feel appreciated though, yessss!! It took me 3 hours to type and edit all of this stuff so I don't get cut off by the word limit.. which is apparently 24000 characters! DEDICATION!
And Bagels is such a great guy and I don't know how he has all the time and energy to respond so much and be helpful and then gush about himself, so everyone be nice to him!
I have took some necessary steps recently to try and get some proper help for myself. At least it's something to keep me optimistic, for the time being. I'm not expecting my life to be changed, but I hope it can put my life in a better direction instead of infinite nothingness.
Sounds good! I'm glad you were able to take the steps and I hope it goes well for you. Keeping optimism will help you see the opportunities that help presents you, so I hope you can keep that up too.
OKAY I AM HITTING THE CHARACTER LIMIT.. 
I WILL RESPOND MORE AT SOME FUTURE TIME~~~
Have a good weekend, everyone! Relax and be kind to yourselves and build up that strength to tackle the things you need to.
