Collete
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Yeah same...*sigh*
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Yeah same...*sigh*
Starting on lexapro really helped me with those, seriously. I get the thoughts that would lead to them less often, and when they do come they don't get into me deep enough to trigger the crying fits. Honestly it's weird, because I'm sitting there like "I'm supposed to be crying and I'm not" and it feels off. But when the hole's shallower, it's easier to climb out of it.
Still wasting too much money on shit I don't really need. Am I ever going to play all these games? Do I really need to buy all these CDs? Couldn't I do something better with my life? Can't I stop feeling like shit completely out of the blue for absolutely no reason?
"RionaaM earlier in this thread you were cheering people on and offering to talk to people if they needed it. I thought that was really cool of you. What happened to that optimism? Try to stay positive brother. I know it's hard but if we stay positive if we remain hopeful than we can beat this. You offered to be there for other people it's only fair that we should be there for you."
If you need someone to vent to, I'm more than willing to listen, be it via PM, Steam chat or whatever you prefer. You CAN go through this Edmond, you HAVE to! Don't give up on us, please :/
Oh man, please hold on. I'll never forget this post from you:
"RionaaM earlier in this thread you were cheering people on and offering to talk to people if they needed it. I thought that was really cool of you. What happened to that optimism? Try to stay positive brother. I know it's hard but if we stay positive if we remain hopeful than we can beat this. You offered to be there for other people it's only fair that we should be there for you."
If you need someone to vent to, I'm more than willing to listen, be it via PM, Steam chat or whatever you prefer. You CAN go through this Edmond, you HAVE to! Don't give up on us, please :/
RionaaM my brother. The fact that you remember that post from way back when. The fact that you care about me. It means a lot to me. Made me a little teary-eyed if I'm being honest.
Like I said I haven't lost hope I'm just going through a real hard time right now. I've been through worse but these things take their toll after awhile.
Like I said I haven't lost hope I'm just going through a real hard time right now. I've been through worse but these things take their toll after awhile.
Edmondo, you know we've got your back. I'm super fond of you and I'm glad you're here in the community. That post that RionaaM quoted - that sticks with me too. It's one of my favorites, because it really captures that strange dilemma we all face. It can be so easy to encourage others and ask them to reach out to us, but when the depression takes a turn, we forget our own advice
I hope things get better for you, friend! You've got a lot of people here for you.
I believe good things don't always go unrewarded, or unnoticed
That post of yours gave me a slight hope when I was feeling down, and it's something I probably won't forget. Yeah, we may all be strangers on the internet, but we're also part of a public forum, and a community within that forum. Screw that, we're (virtual) buddies, and what someone says to another can (and probably will) have an effect, even though neither of them may realise it at first. And your post had a positive effect on me, and for that I'm really grateful.
I do care about you. I care about several more people here too, and I don't like seeing any of you like that. We gotta stay strong and fight together against these fucking problems, be them depression or something else. I know you can do it.
Here's one of the best songs ever. It's been cheering me up since I was 6 and my dad got the Blue Album as a christmas gift. "Here comes the sun, and I say it's all right."
Have you completely ruled out underlying causes? It may be an expression of other feelings and you just don't realize it because of the degree to which you anger flares up, and how you deal with that.
I'm so drained. My dad thinks he'll make me happy by buying me shit; my mom thinks religion is the answer; my sister... I don't know. Other people in my life don't/can't know, and the few that do are either insensitive or like to pretend they don't notice anything. Therapy isn't helping. Meds aren't helping. I got my laptop that I'm supposed to use for university today. I honestly don't feel like I'll live long enough to see that, and I'm thinking getting it is going to prove to be an expensive mistake if returning it isn't possible. (I'm sure my dad wouldn't let me do it anyway as he'd get suspicious.) Every day is a little worse. Friday's emotional breakdown is going to be one of many in the next few weeks I feel. I can't deal with this.
Anxiety been treating me like crap lately. It's always been an aspect of what I was going through but it was never the focus when I was wallowing in depression. But now that I'm a bit more stable in that department there are things I want to do in life, namely get a job. But whenever I need to go out and do something I just panic. I know what I'm doing is no big deal, just handing in resumes or meeting someone, I've done it before and been fine and even if it, for some reason, goes weird it'd be over in 30 minutes. And I keep trying to tell myself that but I can never seem to connect common sense to my body. Should I look into medical options? I really want to move forward with my life but I've been finding this really difficult.
I'm a mess. I don't really know where to begin, but basically my family is threatening to get mental health help for me whether I want it or not. No one can actually make me see anyone for my problems, but I don't know what's going to happen now that they're apparently at the breaking point with me. I totally admit that I'm in complete shambles to the point that I can barely function, but I don't even know how I'd benefit from help anyway. I'm an introspective person so it's not like I need someone else to reveal the hidden mysteries of my own feelings to me; I'm just irreparably fucked up.
Basically, my mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months after I graduated from college. I dropped everything to come live with her as her caretaker, and she died four months ago. I could write an entire book on what the experience of watching my mother slowly die and the hope slowly extinguished from her firsthand did to me over the course of the past 2.5 years, but it's pretty much destroyed me in several ways, like the following:
I just feel like my ability to function on my own is on the verge of total collapse. I'd get help if I thought that I actually could be helped, but I have so many problems that I think it's far past that point. There's no cure for panic, I can't be prescribed a job, there isn't a pill that will bring my mother back to life or erase the past three years from my head. The above stuff doesn't even cover half of my issues, but it's what I can best articulate without going into my whole life story. I don't even know what I'm asking for with this post, but I thank anyone who read to this point, even if you don't have anything to say. I guess I'm wondering what the hell can I even do when my mind, body, past and present circumstances are all a complete wreck?
Basically, my mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months after I graduated from college. I dropped everything to come live with her as her caretaker, and she died four months ago. I could write an entire book on what the experience of watching my mother slowly die and the hope slowly extinguished from her firsthand did to me over the course of the past 2.5 years, but it's pretty much destroyed me in several ways, like the following:
- Severe depression. Self-explanatory, but life has no meaning for me now. I was around death for too long, and given other life circumstances and a total lack of fulfillment in my life, I've just stopped caring or trying. My mother's suffering, and especially her final hours, have replayed in my head ceaselessly. I cannot ever get it out of my head; it dominates all of my other thoughts to the point of obsession. The horror is still as fresh within me as it was as I witnessed it.
- Crippling hypochondria. I have an all-consuming fear of being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the slightest and most nondescript persistent symptom can render me unable to function for weeks or months as I lie in bed obsessively ruminating on the possibility of dying like my mother. This is the issue that in particular is causing my family to threaten intervention, as I've been especially unable to shake the thought that I'm next since she died. Many days I'm unable to get out of bed and sleep 12-14 hours a night, spending my waking hours curled up in obsessive terror over random pains and physical sensations.
- Hopelessness. Out of loving obligation to my mother I dropped all of my ambitions and tended to her in the tiny rural town where I grew up. I had no luck finding any sort of work close to home thanks to the shitty economy and cliquish nature of the community, and now it's been nearly three years and I'm terrified for my future to the point of hopelessness. I wouldn't have taken any job in the world to have been away from her, but here I am, 25 and no work history and not even a single job interview to show for three years' worth of resumes and four years of college before that. At this point, I can only see myself eventually getting declared mentally incompetent by the state and living an empty life on the fringes of society and edge of poverty completely alone and unfulfilled. I'm so full of white-hot rage and despair over my failure to find work that whenever my mom isn't consuming my thoughts, it's this, and of course it all feeds back into my depression.
- Anxiety. I've had severe panic attacks since I was a kid, but they've become even more severe and more frequent since my mother died. I think I'm becoming agoraphobic because I'm becoming increasingly frightened to go anywhere by myself due to the fear of having a severe panic attack with nowhere that I can go to calm myself down. I have terrible sensations of depersonalization, which I can only describe as my consciousness hovering outside of my body. I begin questioning my own reality and have a severe sensation of impending faintness even though I never actually faint. I'm terrified to drive now out of the fear that I'll faint at the wheel and kill myself or someone else, and I can't even walk down the street without my brain suddenly screaming at me that I'm about to die and need to return to safety (read: indoors) immediately.
I just feel like my ability to function on my own is on the verge of total collapse. I'd get help if I thought that I actually could be helped, but I have so many problems that I think it's far past that point. There's no cure for panic, I can't be prescribed a job, there isn't a pill that will bring my mother back to life or erase the past three years from my head. The above stuff doesn't even cover half of my issues, but it's what I can best articulate without going into my whole life story. I don't even know what I'm asking for with this post, but I thank anyone who read to this point, even if you don't have anything to say. I guess I'm wondering what the hell can I even do when my mind, body, past and present circumstances are all a complete wreck?
I definitely felt that before. I couldn't really see any benefit in seeing someone about it when they'll probably just tell me what I already know. But there's a difference in going over it in you head and actually talking about it. I didn't see anyone with important medical credentials or anything like that, just someone who had worked with people who have gone through stuff, but just talking with him really helped. When I actually made myself say some of the things I was thinking they just seemed ridiculous. Of course our situations are not very similar, I never lost anyone, but I still think it could help.
Thank you. I feel a bit better already.
You can never go wrong with the Beatles mi amigo. One of my favorites as well.I believe good things don't always go unrewarded, or unnoticed
That post of yours gave me a slight hope when I was feeling down, and it's something I probably won't forget. Yeah, we may all be strangers on the internet, but we're also part of a public forum, and a community within that forum. Screw that, we're (virtual) buddies, and what someone says to another can (and probably will) have an effect, even though neither of them may realise it at first. And your post had a positive effect on me, and for that I'm really grateful.
I do care about you. I care about several more people here too, and I don't like seeing any of you like that. We gotta stay strong and fight together against these fucking problems, be them depression or something else. I know you can do it.
Here's one of the best songs ever. It's been cheering me up since I was 6 and my dad got the Blue Album as a christmas gift. "Here comes the sun, and I say it's all right."
Keep the laptop. You're almost done with school and that should be a huge relief. You'll be moving on to university soon and I'm sure your parents are extremely proud of you even if it might not seem that way. University is a new opportunity, you will meet lots of new people and it could be a really good experience. I hope things get better for you soon.
Yeah, I think you should look into medication. Lots of medications have proven effective for alleviating anxiety.
You have been through hell and back. I'm so sorry for your loss. Even the most hopeless of people can be helped with the right medication and therapy. May you one day find some peace.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I'm entering day 3 of nearly no sleep. Sunday to Monday I got about an hour and a half and it's looking like none tonight. This will go on for a few more days. My question is whether it's better to try and fail at sleeping or to ignore the urge to try and be normal and just read all night and go to work as usual. It will be a while until I get tired, but I feel a sense of guilt for not trying to do what should be normal. Really, I won't even notice I haven't been sleeping. I'll crash in a few days and I'll deal with the fallout and sleep deficit then. Opinions?
Also, I'm trying to reclaim better friendships after some hard years, but how the fuck do I properly tell acquaintances that I'm pretty unstable? It will eventually become obvious via behavior and demeanor, but if I let those do the talking I'll come across as a drug addict, or alcoholic, or weirdo. What is the proper way to inform friends about such a problem without making it look like I'm dangling myself from a cross and with minimal awkwardness? This question has been eating at me for a few months as it's managed to quickly become pretty relevant to my life.
Also, I'm trying to reclaim better friendships after some hard years, but how the fuck do I properly tell acquaintances that I'm pretty unstable? It will eventually become obvious via behavior and demeanor, but if I let those do the talking I'll come across as a drug addict, or alcoholic, or weirdo. What is the proper way to inform friends about such a problem without making it look like I'm dangling myself from a cross and with minimal awkwardness? This question has been eating at me for a few months as it's managed to quickly become pretty relevant to my life.
I'm guessing sleep is more or less impossible right now, yeah? When I can't sleep, I've taken to just staying up and reading. There's nothing worse than lying in bed thinking, "I have to sleep. I have to sleep. I have to sleep." That makes things so much worse! I don't see not being able to sleep as some kind of freaky personal failure or anything. And hey, anyone who could potentially judge you is probably asleep!
Telling people about your mental illness was an occasional topic in the old thread. I'd try to write something for the OP if I thought there were some easy answer.
I'll disagree with my buddy jackbugs on this one. If your problem were depression, I kind of like the idea of just owning it, playing against type - "FUCK IT I GOTS DEPRESSION. WE OUT. BAGELSTIME!" But if you're more worried about manic episodes, I think the most calm, quiet approach possible is probably best. It helps establish that the behaviors you're worried about these other people seeing are not your normal self. It's way harder to just own it, because mania tends to be this larger than life thing, and it's easy to look at a manic person and just think that they're an asshole, that they just really like being that way. It's worse when your other state is depression, too. Your non-sullen, withdrawn state is naturally going to be what people think you're like when you feel good, even if what people are seeing is way past normal. Like, "White Man barely talked to me last week, and now that he's back to "normal," he's mean as shit to me and bouncing off the walls! I felt bad for him, but it turns out he's just an asshole!" etc.
You asked how to "properly tell acquaintances," which makes it a larger question. Sitting down with a really close friend and saying, "Can we talk about something? So you might have noticed me getting really irritated lately..." - that's hard enough. That article I posted about being a better friend talks about the studies that suggest that sharing secrets is one way to strengthen friendships. My best friend and I visited each other when we were each hospitalized and we've talked in gruesome detail about our mental health issues. As a result, she has become the sister I never had. My closest male friend...I used to open up to him, but he was very much in the "just cheer up" camp, and as a result, I ended up avoiding him for about 6 months after years of friendship. We just don't talk about depression any more. I didn't think I could have a friendship in which this huge issue in my life were off the table, but it's actually okay. I appreciate having someone I can just have a beer with and talk video games and politics and philosophy and science.
I have lost one very close friend because of my depression, despite being as open about it as I possibly can. Honestly, had I been less open, maybe we'd still be friends. I'm just rambling, as usual, but I'm sure you know that this is not a benign thing. We have this topic specifically for people to share about these issues, and I think this is a fucking bizarre corner of the internet in how compassionate and caring the people who come here are (people who cannot actually post in here will message me to share their concern about some post - "gosh, a month ago this person said this, and now today I'm really concerned about what they said. Can you tell him i said the following..." It's unreal.), it's internet anonymous, and we still have people who can't bring themselves to post. Doing it face to face is a huge leap from that level, which itself terrifies people. And honestly, some people will not handle your decision to share with them well.
Some acquaintances honestly have not earned the right to know your personal business, but you're in a weird position where you might still want to tell them rather than have them assume things based on your behaviors, as you said.
So here's how I'd make it less awkward. Health problems, especially mental health problems, are considered highly private things, so some people are going to be a little uncomfortable. I think you can minimize it, though.
1) You can't really just blurt it out - "MAN AM I FUCKING NUTS OR WHAT? UP TOP! HIGH FIVE!" Not to everyone, anyway. If someone asks what's bothering you, or you're apologizing for acting some way, that's a better start. Even if you want to just bring it up, you can still kind of pick the time to say, "you know, I've been really irritable lately..."
2) Avoid diagnostic labels. This kind of avoids making things too too "private medical information"-y. I'd say you've been irritable, or down, or over-energized, or whatever. People understand these terms better, they're descriptive without carrying the baggage of clinical terms (especially in that people think they know what they mean, but don't) - mania, bipolar disorder, whatever - and it starts a discussion. People (especially nerdy internet people) completely miss the value of letting people come up with things on their own. If you just say, "I have bipolar disorder," you've blown the punchline. But if you say, "I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and I know I've been really short with people, or pretty goofy, or whatever," they can ask what's up, ask some questions, work WITH you to figure it out. And who doesn't like feeling smart and saying, "Gee, it kind of sounds like bipolar disorder..."? They're trying to help you, they're working with you now. It's the two of you against this problem. And it's not just, like, a way to con people into liking you more. It's a way for the other person to wrap their head around things better and it gives you a chance to get a feel for their understanding of these things. If their questions are especially derpy, you might bail on saying you're bipolar, or depressed, or whatever. Like, there's nothing to gain there. Or if they don't really have questions, maybe they don't give a crap, they already think they have you figured out. But if they ask great questions and care, you can let them in a little closer.
3) Avoid getting too emotional, at least at first. Discussing a problem is one thing. Discussing a problem and letting on your emotional response to it is crazy intimate. Not everyone has earned that or will be comfortable with it. Think of the last lecture guy. He gives a talk and rather matter-of-factly says he has cancer. And then he can build to that emotion (I'm not sure he really did, tbh. He was more at peace with it, so I think the audience kind of got there on their own. In any event, man did he build empathy). Contrast that with someone coming out and saying "I have cancer" and just bursting into tears. Lots of nervous shuffling in the seats then.
4) You cannot expect that your candor and honesty will actually fix anything, sad as that is. You obviously know this already, but I need to remind myself. It feels awful to let on something about your own flaws or weaknesses or problems and have it dismissed. It really hurts, so you need to be ready for it.
5) Should you use humor? Not a tip, but I'm really wondering. Depression is the one thing I tend to be very serious about. I can't really gauge how COMPLETELY SERIOUS I come across as in here, but I'd guess I seem almost dopey in my sincerity. Okay, so not "almost" - completely dopey sincere. Whereas people who contact me on steam or in chat invariably end up saying "I can't tell if you're serious," because I'm pretty silly everywhere else in my life. I'm not sure if I've figured out how to be "funny" about depression. I think about that a lot, actually. Humor is basically the best hand I've got, and I use it in everything from my relationships to giving a lecture. I'm not sure I've figured out how (or even if) to use it to help people understand my depression. I wonder if anyone else can speak to that.
So you could have skipped this one. No actual advice in there. Sorry!
6) I tend to think of being open as a more binary thing, but that's silly. You can be open to degrees. Like, I'm quite willing to say that I struggle with depression, I'll go into the meds I've taken with most people, a much smaller group will ever hear about my hospitalization. Self harm, suicidal behaviors - you have to be pretty fucking close to me and even then I've barely ever spoken about it with anyone (besides the entire internet, apparently). If you let someone in, there's a certain amount you have to give them. You can't just go "hey man, I'm bipolar. But no questions, alright? Keep it to yourself. WE OUT. BAGELSTIMES*"
*Also, you should never, ever use this catchphrase.
There's some minimal quanta of openness you need to offer. But sharing one personal thing does not mean your life is an open book, even about that one problem.
7) trust in the value of questions. We tend to go into every conversation with an agenda, and we just patiently wait for our chance to declare crap. But if you actually listen to people, their questions (or lack thereof) will generally let you know what to say (or not say) next. Discussing these issues is a delicate thing. Your agenda, going in, has to be pretty minimal - "let others know I'm 'unstable,' but without using that word, exactly." If you can really get them to understand, fantastic. But if expect that that is what every conversation needs to end with, you're not going to succeed. Just letting people know that you're aware of your behavior, it's not desired, and you're working at it, is actually modestly ambitious. People will let you know if they want more than that.
I honestly feel really stupid when i try to give advice, but at least my heart is in the right place! And I try to only say things that honestly work for me, that I actually do.
Looking back I've made some shitty decisions in my life which made me end up where I am now. Don't think there is anyway to fix this life. I wished I could go back and just killed myself in high school. What a waste of my life. Such a loser and failure.
Life is hard and evil and I just give up. If there is a god he or she would let me die today
Life is hard and evil and I just give up. If there is a god he or she would let me die today
Fix all the small easy to fix things in life. For lack of a better metaphor, perhaps work on taking the weeds out of the garden.
Hang in there man. I'd bet most people in this thread have had those moments where they think absolutely nothing would improve, but things did. Maybe just marginally, but they did.
I went through a really rough patch about ten years ago, and I was honestly completely convinced that the rest of my life would be spent in absolute misery. I really believed that with every fiber of my being. Since that time, there has been a lot of bad, but plenty of good too.
We're all in this together, in varying degrees. Let's encourage each other.
Like Ashes said, take some tiny steps. I'm currently in the middle of some big changes in my life, and the little things are a lot more manageable.
It's a good approach to take, good for you. No shortage of people to talk to if the need strikes!
Focus on your successes, even if they look small or insignificant from your current perspective. Focusing on your failures for more than a moment just exacerbates the cycle. Learn from them, then move forward. I am acutely aware that this is monumentally more easily said than done.
Change really is hard. I have come to believe that it is hard for just about everybody, but many people are exceptional at hiding the difficulty of it. I am not one of those people. Big changes in life just really do a number on me. Even the "little" changes can be struggles.
MP I totally sympathize with your situation; but getting help from a professional is better than nothing, and may or may not help you with your problems despite whatever you might think. What you think about it isn't important, some people really do need help, espesically with the apparent weight you appear to be carrying over your shoulders.
anarckitty
Member
So I was just diagnosed with major depression yesterday. Not really surprising since I basically watched my father's health rapidly decline and then die a year after being diagnosed with Mesothelioma. I was 7 months pregnant when he passed away, so I did grieve, but I don't think I did it appropriately. There wasn't really any time to. My first child was born 2 months later, and then I was taking care of a newborn....again with no real time to grieve.
Before I went to a doctor yesterday I had been feeling progressively worse. No thoughts of hurting myself, but just really unhappy with my life. I love my daughter and my husband, but not much else brings me joy lately.
I'm feeling optimistic though since I'm starting Lexapro today. I really hope it can help.
Has anyone else been prescribed Lexapro for just treating depression? If so, what do you think of it? What can I expect? Thanks.
Before I went to a doctor yesterday I had been feeling progressively worse. No thoughts of hurting myself, but just really unhappy with my life. I love my daughter and my husband, but not much else brings me joy lately.
I'm feeling optimistic though since I'm starting Lexapro today. I really hope it can help.
Has anyone else been prescribed Lexapro for just treating depression? If so, what do you think of it? What can I expect? Thanks.
I understand this feeling you describe, but seeking help is the way to go here. It took me 5 years of seeing the doctor to finally find something that started helping me with my issues (Still seeing him, I'm not done yet). I've been there, thinking that there's no way out (and this is exactly how I feel about the job situation right now as well. No prev work experience). Different situation from yours entirety, but the feeling describes how I felt and still feel at times. Again, it took me 5 years to finally see some progress where I could finally admit to myself "Yeah, things have gotten a little better now." It's not perfect, I still have a lot to work on, but progress is progress.
It will take time. It's different for everybody, you may see progress sooner than I did or later than I did. Regardless, don't give up on seeing a doctor or seeking help in general. This applies to everyone in general. SHIT TAKES TIME. Different things work for different people.
Hang in there MP, I'm rooting for you. May not mean much to you, but I really do hope you feel better.
Thanks for the words, Bagels. Still reading and processing--but at the very least, the fact alone that someone took the time to write that much validates my decision to post in the thread.
1. I wanted to offer up some additional details on communication problems. I don't have any real family. I have cousins I have never met and what not, but my brother went mental and incommunicado about 2 years ago and my mom died about a half year before that. These were my previous vents for mental things I was going through, and losing them in close proximity was kind of the precursor for my emotional withdrawal. It doesn't help that it was only about a year or so before that things went nuclear bad to extents they never even know. My mom (also crazy), never knew about, say, me totaling cars or getting arrested several times. When things went bad it was like I took it as accepting the fact that I had no choice but to become an ordained loner. Okay, this paragraph ended up being a fragment of an idea, but I have a meeting in 5 minutes so I'm rushing to spill my brain. . .
2. In regard to behavior and instability maiming friendships, an experience I've had at least thrice is that I'll notice a formerly close friendship (or semi-romantic endeavor) has become hacked up into something far more casual than it was before. Looking backward from this realization, I can sometimes pinpoint just about when things changed, and it's usually because I went over the edge on something but didn't realize it at the time. I've always been frozen about what to do with this information. I can't say, now, "Hey, remember how we used to be much closer friends and spend much more free time doing shit? And then you had to talk the police out of arresting me when I got all deranged and busted my car window apart with my MacBook? Did you notice how things got weird after that? Let's make them unweird again!" I can't think of a sane way to address these crippled friendships, and in a real way I think I'm better off to let them die off. Jesus fuck I hate my fucking life. Kee-rhist.
Ah well, time to rush to a team meeting that I will try to not make too interesting. Sigh.
1. I wanted to offer up some additional details on communication problems. I don't have any real family. I have cousins I have never met and what not, but my brother went mental and incommunicado about 2 years ago and my mom died about a half year before that. These were my previous vents for mental things I was going through, and losing them in close proximity was kind of the precursor for my emotional withdrawal. It doesn't help that it was only about a year or so before that things went nuclear bad to extents they never even know. My mom (also crazy), never knew about, say, me totaling cars or getting arrested several times. When things went bad it was like I took it as accepting the fact that I had no choice but to become an ordained loner. Okay, this paragraph ended up being a fragment of an idea, but I have a meeting in 5 minutes so I'm rushing to spill my brain. . .
2. In regard to behavior and instability maiming friendships, an experience I've had at least thrice is that I'll notice a formerly close friendship (or semi-romantic endeavor) has become hacked up into something far more casual than it was before. Looking backward from this realization, I can sometimes pinpoint just about when things changed, and it's usually because I went over the edge on something but didn't realize it at the time. I've always been frozen about what to do with this information. I can't say, now, "Hey, remember how we used to be much closer friends and spend much more free time doing shit? And then you had to talk the police out of arresting me when I got all deranged and busted my car window apart with my MacBook? Did you notice how things got weird after that? Let's make them unweird again!" I can't think of a sane way to address these crippled friendships, and in a real way I think I'm better off to let them die off. Jesus fuck I hate my fucking life. Kee-rhist.
Ah well, time to rush to a team meeting that I will try to not make too interesting. Sigh.
dutchguyjack
Member
Just remember that anybody can get to the place you are at now (I was there once), and everyone, including you is also able to get out of it.
Here's something my councilor shared with me today, and I posted it on my blog:
http://aboyslife.tk/?p=20
Perhaps it will help you understand how you got to the place you're at now. I realize you didn't get there by a break up, but the process is identical regardless of what triggered it.
hosannainexcelsis
Member
I've never been in your situation, so I can't pretend to know what you're going through. But I can say I've felt for years that my situation was hopeless and that I was broken beyond all hope of repair. It was only recently, when I saw a psychiatrist for the first time, got diagnosed with atypical depression, which matched my symptoms perfectly, and began taking medication for it that I've felt like I've been able to come out of the pit. Something that I thought was a part of me that I'd never be able to escape - I realized that there was a physical component to it and it was something that could be treated like any illness.
So even if you don't feel like seeing someone will help you, I would highly encourage you to see a psychiatrist if at all possible. It may do much more good than you're able to see right now.
I laughed, and then got really bummed.
I'd simply ask, why can't you do that? You made it sound silly, but you can make anything sound silly if you're that blunt about it. "Oh, so my house in on fire, but what can I do? Right, I should just dial a phone number - which is only 3 digits, btw. Odd - and a dozen people will wake up at 3AM, put on some bright yellow nomex pants, slide down a big metal pole, jump in some comically long, bright red trucks with a bunch of fucking ladders and hoses on them, RACE TO MY HOUSE, and spray water all over it? Yeah, that sounds REAL reasonable..."
What you wrote actually sounds like the sanest way to address these issues possible. It sounds way better than an emotionally withdrawn person choosing to instead let relationships die.
So here's a (relevant! I promise!) story. In elementary school, we had two dutch girls in our class. One of them would go on to dramatically grow unmissable, Sona-from-League-of-Legends-sized bazooms before we started seventh grade. My life was honestly never the same, but I digress.
Anyway, every year, around Christmas, we'd get a visit from traditional Dutch holiday cheermonger Sinterklaas. So my friends MOM would cross-dress as some kind of communist Santa/Odin/Pope amalgamation and fill our shoes with licorice-flavored cookies.
That part was pretty normal, I guess, considering my other friend's mom came IN FUCKING BLACKFACE as "Zwarte Piet," Sinterklaas's friend/helper/SLAVE/DEMON - the explanation was complicated. Again, she came IN BLACKFACE, in the 1990s, in an ostensibly modern Western democracy, TO AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, every goddam year like clockwork. I can see it happening ONCe and having some kind of month long sensitivity debriefing, and some kind of public apology, we didn't know, etc. But it was every fucking year! They knew this was coming, and no one was like, hmmm...could you maybe not do the blackface? It's kind of, well, a tad, FUCKING OFFENSIVE AS SHIT, YOU FUCK! 'TIME FOR THE EASTER CROSS BURNING LIKE WE DO IF SWEDEN!' GOTTA TEACH THE KIDS!' NO! NOPE! NOT ON MY WATCH YOU LOON!
But you know what? That's not the weird part. At the time, the weirdest part was honestly the cookies in the shoes. What's weird is this image came to me, out of nowhere, when I was in college, and I realized that no one had ever said to me, "Bagels, man, remember when that kid's mom cross-dressed and came to your school in blackface? Wasn't that completely fucked?" Like, my mom knew this was happening and it wasn't like, years later, she was like, "I had no fucking idea what to do!" I tell her, "holy shit, mom! Karen's mom came to my 5th grade class in blackface and put fucking cookies in my shoes!" And she's like, "Oh, that's right. They were Dutch, yeah?" Like this is some normal cultural exchange! It makes me feel like a goddam lunatic! This is the most fucked up thing...I don't even...wha...I...
So what's my point? Obviously, Indiana has some ground to cover in terms of issues with race, granted. But more importantly, things can be crazy, but what's really crazy is when other people don't seem to think it's crazy! So maybe smashing in your own car window with an expensive laptop while in blackface, reenacting a minstrel show (just to raise the stakes) is sort of out of the norm, but trying to pretend that it never happened and not acknowledging that, okay, yes, that was fucked, is way crazier. I don't see any sane response that doesn't involve you addressing it. And if they're like, I dunno man, that changed me, then okay, move along. But I don't even know you and, assuming we were having this conversation in real life, and you came to that story and just told me, "yup. That was fucked up," I'd almost certainly like you more for being open and honest and self-deprecating. Even if we laughed about it, which I hope, given enough distance from it, and barring any other unpleasant details, you'd be able to, I'd also be more like, well, he has obviously struggled with this and I'd want to know if it was something I could help with. Does that make sense, or in any way apply?
I said "like" about a million times in this post.
Also, in elementary school, I learned that slavery wasn't so bad because, "if you own a piece of farm equipment, you wouldn't abuse it!" Fucking Indiana, man. SMH.
Happy birthday to our chat moderator, swe! I'd never say it to his face, but he is kind, thoughtful, talented man, who has been a steadfast ally as I face my own struggles, and it's a true privilege to call him a friend. Also, he's handsome AS FUCK. GOOD CHRIST.
Go wish him a happy birthday if you're one of our chat users! I'll be "photoshopping" him into increasingly ridiculous situations all day!
Go wish him a happy birthday if you're one of our chat users! I'll be "photoshopping" him into increasingly ridiculous situations all day!
I don't know who I am - I'm not even sure if I even exist as a person with a discrete set of characteristics or I just adapt to please those around me. Despite having no tangible sense of self I'm petrified of what others will think of me to the extent that I hide when the doorbell rings when I'm in on my own and feel faint and transform into a stuttering mess when forced into situations where I have to speak to people (usually doctors or receptionists because I'm always convinced I'm dying of one thing or another). I have this interminable feeling that I'm not ready or worthy yet, when I've lost a bit of weight or sorted out my appearance or expanded my knowledge or vocabulary I'll be ready and I can reboot my life, but it never comes. I can't get enthusiastic or motivated about anything or the prospect of doing anything meaningful with my life because I'll inevitably mess everything up just like I've done before, and anyway I'm not ready yet. And I'm probably embellishing or exaggerating all of the above because that's what I tend to do.
I tried drafting this post as a formal delineation of my suspected symptoms but I couldn't find the words and didn't know where to start so just tried a stream of consciousness instead- I just feel broken - past the point of repair, and that in tandem with the crippling 24/7 headaches I've developed over the past 6 months is making me lose hope. Does any of this strike a chord with stuff other people feel?
I tried drafting this post as a formal delineation of my suspected symptoms but I couldn't find the words and didn't know where to start so just tried a stream of consciousness instead- I just feel broken - past the point of repair, and that in tandem with the crippling 24/7 headaches I've developed over the past 6 months is making me lose hope. Does any of this strike a chord with stuff other people feel?
dutchguyjack
Member
That's pretty close to how I felt 4 years ago. I think the key is to understand that you're not going to mess everything up, and that even if you do, you need to pick up the pieces and carry on. The only way to learn how to do things right is by doing them wrong in every other way.
Feelings are created by thoughts, and as such keeping an eye on our thoughts will in turn reduce the negative feelings we have. My counselor recommended mindfulness as an approach, though he also made it clear that it doesn't work for everyone.
Made it to the gym didnt think i would go today after feel so bad.
I wish i had success to focus on.
I'll check it out, thanks
I need to make some big chances in my life just dont know how.
thanks
I wish i had success to focus on.
I'll check it out, thanks
I need to make some big chances in my life just dont know how.
thanks
Two points.
A) Sinterklaas is bloody awesome. Haters gonna hate.
B) My dad just threatened to commit suicide (again) and I hope he actually does it this time.
To elucidate on that second point. My parents have been in divorce since October of last year and to say it's not pretty would be a quite an understatement. I could talk on and on about the shitty stuff he did since then but why bother. Lets just keep it to a few key points.
Just before Christmas I lend him 2500 so he could pay off the debt on his and my mothers shared bank account and pay some open standing bills. The bills were paid but, according to the bank statements, he withdrew the remainder (~1750) over a span of three days.
For Christmas I got him a seriously nice 2500-piece puzzle box. Now it might seem like a silly gift but he used to love these so I thought it might cheer him up. Or at least keep him occupied for a bit.
Instead of thanks he threw it on the ground and trampled it all the while screaming that I should drop dead. Which was also the only Christmas present I got from him. The message that I could drop dead for all he cared.
Begin January I lost my job due to downsizing. Normally you would expect your dad to stand by you during such a time. Mine was (and is) more interested in the career of my sisters boyfriend. During this time I also found out that he didn't spend the money I lend him as he said he would. When I confronted him about it he loudly proclaimed that he spent it on whores. 1750 spent on whores while you already have a debt....
Two weeks later he kicked me out of the house saying he didn't want to see or hear from me ever again. A few days later he called me up asking for my help with something though he didn't want to tell over the phone what it was. Stupidly enough I believed him and went over. The only thing I got out of it was more him screaming that I should drop dead.
During the past months I have been staying (technically illegal according to the lease) at my mothers place. Since then my father has never called me except to scream at me or to threaten with suicide. I've tried talking to him about it, as he very obviously has severe mental issues, but he refuses any form. And much as I would like to, I can't force it on him as long as he doesn't actually try to harm himself.
Fast forward to tonight. He called my mother screaming that we (my mother and I) should go pick our shit up (which we already did) or else he would throw it all away. My mother answered along the lines of "fine, whatever". A hour later he was screaming at the door. Obviously I didn't take it so well and spat him in the face. Not the brightest of things in hindsight but I was pissed off. Yet another hour later my sister (who still lived with my dad) was crying at the door because he threw her out too with the parting message of that we could all go fuck ourselves and that he was off to kill himself.
Now as you might expect I'm not taking the situation very well. I don't have a job, am technically homeless, lost my appetite (as well as 15% of my weight) and my "father" doesn't give a shit about what happens to his children. Needless to say my mood has gone down the drain and is spiraling in to the nearest black hole straight to Major DepressionVille. I've never been the happiest person in the world, hell I can't recall a single instance in my life where I was ever truly happy, but the last few months I've just feel... empty. Like there just isn't anything there anymore. Ambitions? Life Goals? Happiness? They just feel like foreign concepts. Things that are there for other people. I'm still looking for a place to life, as tough as that is without a steady income, but it's mostly just to keep my mother out of trouble . And to keep the illusion up that I'm still a productive member of society. That I still have dreams and not that I'm just an increasingly violent and ill-tempered husk of my former self.
I know I should seek professional help for this (and I have gone to my GP for the lost appetite/weight loss) but I just can't seem to get motivated to get up in the morning and actually go.
A) Sinterklaas is bloody awesome. Haters gonna hate.
B) My dad just threatened to commit suicide (again) and I hope he actually does it this time.
To elucidate on that second point. My parents have been in divorce since October of last year and to say it's not pretty would be a quite an understatement. I could talk on and on about the shitty stuff he did since then but why bother. Lets just keep it to a few key points.
Just before Christmas I lend him 2500 so he could pay off the debt on his and my mothers shared bank account and pay some open standing bills. The bills were paid but, according to the bank statements, he withdrew the remainder (~1750) over a span of three days.
For Christmas I got him a seriously nice 2500-piece puzzle box. Now it might seem like a silly gift but he used to love these so I thought it might cheer him up. Or at least keep him occupied for a bit.
Instead of thanks he threw it on the ground and trampled it all the while screaming that I should drop dead. Which was also the only Christmas present I got from him. The message that I could drop dead for all he cared.
Begin January I lost my job due to downsizing. Normally you would expect your dad to stand by you during such a time. Mine was (and is) more interested in the career of my sisters boyfriend. During this time I also found out that he didn't spend the money I lend him as he said he would. When I confronted him about it he loudly proclaimed that he spent it on whores. 1750 spent on whores while you already have a debt....
Two weeks later he kicked me out of the house saying he didn't want to see or hear from me ever again. A few days later he called me up asking for my help with something though he didn't want to tell over the phone what it was. Stupidly enough I believed him and went over. The only thing I got out of it was more him screaming that I should drop dead.
During the past months I have been staying (technically illegal according to the lease) at my mothers place. Since then my father has never called me except to scream at me or to threaten with suicide. I've tried talking to him about it, as he very obviously has severe mental issues, but he refuses any form. And much as I would like to, I can't force it on him as long as he doesn't actually try to harm himself.
Fast forward to tonight. He called my mother screaming that we (my mother and I) should go pick our shit up (which we already did) or else he would throw it all away. My mother answered along the lines of "fine, whatever". A hour later he was screaming at the door. Obviously I didn't take it so well and spat him in the face. Not the brightest of things in hindsight but I was pissed off. Yet another hour later my sister (who still lived with my dad) was crying at the door because he threw her out too with the parting message of that we could all go fuck ourselves and that he was off to kill himself.
Now as you might expect I'm not taking the situation very well. I don't have a job, am technically homeless, lost my appetite (as well as 15% of my weight) and my "father" doesn't give a shit about what happens to his children. Needless to say my mood has gone down the drain and is spiraling in to the nearest black hole straight to Major DepressionVille. I've never been the happiest person in the world, hell I can't recall a single instance in my life where I was ever truly happy, but the last few months I've just feel... empty. Like there just isn't anything there anymore. Ambitions? Life Goals? Happiness? They just feel like foreign concepts. Things that are there for other people. I'm still looking for a place to life, as tough as that is without a steady income, but it's mostly just to keep my mother out of trouble . And to keep the illusion up that I'm still a productive member of society. That I still have dreams and not that I'm just an increasingly violent and ill-tempered husk of my former self.
I know I should seek professional help for this (and I have gone to my GP for the lost appetite/weight loss) but I just can't seem to get motivated to get up in the morning and actually go.
No, you don't.
Belive me. Or don't. But at least listen. Uh, read.
My father died by commiting suicide... Guess what a fucking mess i am now?
Look, i get it. You don't like him. You hate him even? Still, you don't want him dead. Or at least you shouldn't. At very least, him dying won't help you any, or your sister.
Even though he sounds like despicable person. But death is no solution to that.
My father wasn't the best person around... especially not after succumbing to alcoholism.
I don't remember him too well anymore... which i hate. I hate that i remember too much of the worst of him. I hate that i seem to be recalling only the time when if fought with him... And the time which was last time i heard his voice (but i don't remember what he said, i just remember him talking to my mother and then my mother sending him away, request denied).
I used to hate him at times.
No one but me seems to be remembering father... At least in good light.
Well, to be honest, i don't know what my brother thinks or remembers but that's something i won't ever ask. Don't any of you ask why, don't suggest i should.
My mother seems to be remembering only negative things, and voices them too often for my liking. Shut up bitch, i know you didn't like him in his last years but shut the fuck up, others cared!
My paternal grandmother, of course, remembers... but her way of remembering when we're around is to take me and my brother to father's grave. Which i hate, but can't say to my grandmother without insulting her. I'm not religious, but somehow i just hate seeing the grave. I don't want to be there. It doesn't help me. I don't want that.
My father's sisters... i don't know. I don't want to talk to them about this really. But they never bring it up either. I'd appreciate if they would, even though i doubt i'd ever voice that sentiment.
I've never been good at initiating talking. Which is one reason i keep being a fucking mess.
I'm telling this because:
A) I want to get this out of my head, and this seems like a time when i can actually say this.
B) Because, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Think back, think time when your father was a good person. I'm sure you can do that, i can... though i don't remember much. Still, better than nothing. But never hearing anything positive from others, or nothing at all? It doesn't fucking help any, it just makes things worse.
Besides, isn't it always said, as long as one lives, there's hope? Not that i subscribe to that view very strongly. I'm too much a realist for that... but just enough optimist to give it a chance.
I can relate to many things you say, in the last part of your post. Very similar what i experience, how i feel. I understand i need help but i lack motivation for anything, but just being right now, at this moment. And then the next. But never further than that.
But again, i stress that your father dying would not help one bit, at best it wouldn't do anything (how could it? It won't give you anything), at worst it makes your depression worse. And you don't want that.
It is okay to be selfish to a certain extent, otherwise it wouldn't be worth living, i think (i don't belive in completly selfless altruism, at very least altruis are pleased at themselves for helping others).
...Can't write any more. Too hard.
Verbal Intercourse
Banned
If this helps anyone, sweet. I'm going to ramble just to document what I'm thinking and while some of it may be obvious, I find some reinforcement helps.
Bi-polar disorder sure makes life interesting. I was hung up on my lack of insight in how I came across at various times (raging asshole to goofy antics), but my psychologist assured me a study was conducted and it turns out people are wrong about how they think others perceive them 80% of the time.
I'm too lazy to look this up but hopefully that's true and comes as reassurance for anybody worrying about how others perceive you. Even if it's a false stat, it's in my opinion a waste of mental energy trying to mind read. Just do what you can do in a situation--recognize what you can do and can't do. Be realistic.
Say you want to ask a girl out. Ask her out and the rest is up to her--you have no control over someone's response, and it's a huge relief to let go of all the "what ifs". Don't perceive dating--or life in general--as threats, but as challenges. That'll shift your thinking and help prevent that flight or fight response (anxiety) from kicking in during inappropriate situations. There's not much you can do with adrenaline coursing through your body other than kick ass, flee, or become a deer in headlights. If something's a challenge you can have fun with it and ultimately be yourself. This outlook allows for creativity and you'll be utilizing your brain completely since it's not debilitated by anxiety. Spontaneity can make for a good time.
If someone is a dick to you, be glad you're not them. Remember it takes two to tango--the bully & bullied--so don't give them the response they seek. People are naturally concerned with themselves and preoccupied with their own problems, and a lot of their behaviors and attitudes reflect their experiences in life and are not necessarily in response to you. Remember what people say and the judgments they make reveals more about them than it does about you.
Bi-polar disorder sure makes life interesting. I was hung up on my lack of insight in how I came across at various times (raging asshole to goofy antics), but my psychologist assured me a study was conducted and it turns out people are wrong about how they think others perceive them 80% of the time.
I'm too lazy to look this up but hopefully that's true and comes as reassurance for anybody worrying about how others perceive you. Even if it's a false stat, it's in my opinion a waste of mental energy trying to mind read. Just do what you can do in a situation--recognize what you can do and can't do. Be realistic.
Say you want to ask a girl out. Ask her out and the rest is up to her--you have no control over someone's response, and it's a huge relief to let go of all the "what ifs". Don't perceive dating--or life in general--as threats, but as challenges. That'll shift your thinking and help prevent that flight or fight response (anxiety) from kicking in during inappropriate situations. There's not much you can do with adrenaline coursing through your body other than kick ass, flee, or become a deer in headlights. If something's a challenge you can have fun with it and ultimately be yourself. This outlook allows for creativity and you'll be utilizing your brain completely since it's not debilitated by anxiety. Spontaneity can make for a good time.
If someone is a dick to you, be glad you're not them. Remember it takes two to tango--the bully & bullied--so don't give them the response they seek. People are naturally concerned with themselves and preoccupied with their own problems, and a lot of their behaviors and attitudes reflect their experiences in life and are not necessarily in response to you. Remember what people say and the judgments they make reveals more about them than it does about you.
You know, whenever I actually vocalize some of the irrational thoughts I have to someone else, it does help me realize just how irrational I'm being. Being honest with my family about the kinds of thoughts I'm having is part of the reason that I've never taken the idea of seeking professional help seriously, but I should have known that my family could only take so much. I don't blame them; they have to hear it every day and of course they're not professionally trained in how to deal with someone like me. My sister does have a psychology degree and she's tried her best to talk some sense into me, but perhaps I'm unable to take a family member as seriously as a professional.
MP I totally sympathize with your situation; but getting help from a professional is better than nothing, and may or may not help you with your problems despite whatever you might think. What you think about it isn't important, some people really do need help, espesically with the apparent weight you appear to be carrying over your shoulders.
Yeah, it's really no one issue that's causing me to feel like I'm about to crack; it's the combination of virtually all of the problems I've had on and off over the years deciding to attack me all at once. I wasn't exactly in my right mind when I typed everything up last night and now that I'm thinking clearly, I don't feel so strongly that I'm beyond help, so that's good. I think I'm just frightened that if I allow myself to seek help even once, I'm always going to be reliant upon it. My dad's been seeing a psychiatrist for 40 years and I don't want to end up like that.
Thanks, Tomat. I genuinely trust your perspective on this, and if you believe that help is the way to go and I will eventually be better for it, I think I can overcome my own trepidation toward the idea. I don't care how long it takes so long as I improve, whether that means seeing a professional for that long or radically changing my life or whatever my family and doctors end up thinking is best for me. And, of course, I wish the best for you too, man. I really don't mean this in a "misery loves company" way or anything, but it really is a comfort to know that I'm not the only one dealing with shit. It makes me less ashamed to be honest about it.
You definitely seem happier since you've returned to GAF. I was really worried for you with some of the destructive sentiments you were expressing before you left and I couldn't be happier that you're feeling better. If accepting help worked for you even when you believed it wouldn't, I'm willing to try. I genuinely thank you for your perspective; the whole prospect of accepting my family's wishes seems less frightening and futile to me now (and, well, I would prefer not to feel this way, so obviously there's that motivation.)
AcceptableGhost
Member
For anyone out there...
Is it normal for there to be a specific event or period of time where after you never felt "right" again?
Is it normal for there to be a specific event or period of time where after you never felt "right" again?
Pretty much where I am right now. Used to be happy and somewhat social, which ended after one, maybe two years at university. Fell into heavy depression, locked myself off from the outside world. I'm getting more stable mentally, and I'm finally taking action to become a better person, but I feel like I screwed up the most important period of my life. I'm desperately trying to finish my Master's thesis in time so I can get my degree before the summer vacation, but I feel like fucked up big time in my social life. Don't know if I'll ever get the chance to put everything right again. I just feel so alone all the time, even when I'm with other people. I see lots of people in very close friendships or relationships, and I don't really have that with anyone anymore. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to build something like that up again.
Sorry, before I turn this into another post that's too long: I know the feeling, I constantly feel like I'm running after the facts and running out of time. I don't feel like the same person I did when my depression was at it's worst, but I also don't feel like I did before then. I feel like there will always be some part of me that's scared and anxious. It's exhausting.
AcceptableGhost
Member
This... is pretty much dead on.
I wouldn't even call it a traumatic event. More so a realization.
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