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[luckyboyceo]

Long rant coming:

Well I think its time me and my boyfriend break up. Ive mentioned here that he has never given me any romatic gifts after Ive told him numerous time that I like flowers. I have given him many things, taken him from the subway to my place to his home on so many occasion. He has taken his mom's car about 4-5 times in total in the last 6 months. Selfish/cheap a bit too.

Anyway, I asked him what he would be doing 5 years from now, which he responded "I dont know. (after asking him if he would like to move out on his on) "Get a roomate maybe"

oh no, that does not bode well for me. How you gonna have no car/appartement in your early 30s? Youre done with school. So in all he has no plan for the future at all.

adding to the injury, I told him he was the cause for something, for which he never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He then asked if I could give him a neck massage. haha I refused.

My gut tells me to tell him to have more ambition, but that wont grow in a day. I just dont know, but I know Im done letting him without proof of his worth.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. He sounds like a loser. Dump him and move on. It might be hard at first but you'll eventually be glad you did.

Welp. I've reached the point where I'm so unhappy with my love live that it couldn't possibly be worse than getting rejected a bunch of times.

I work at home, though, so it's rare that I even leave my apartment during the week, and most of my friends are in relationships and don't go out much. Going to start hanging out with my still single friends as much as I can and try and figure out a way to get out and meet more people.

I'm going to guess and say that you don't work 12 hours a day at home, correct? Sure, working from home undoubtedly makes it harder to meet people during work hours, but there's no reason you can't go out afterwards and potentially meet someone. Hell, if I were you, I'd probably be aching to get out of my apartment after working in it all day.

Would any of your friends in relationships be willing to ditch their significant other for the night? I'm sure some of them would jump at the chance to have some guy time or whatever. Just ask. Explain the situation if you have to. Some of the best wingmen I've ever had have been friends in relationships.

 

[Conor 419]

You're not #500 in line for any given available girl; it's much more about being the guy who takes the iniative over the other guys who are too nervous or lacking in self confidence to go for it, which would be most of those hundreds surrounding her. That's the easiest and most important selection process a girl has for a boyfriend: that he has the balls to put himself out there on the line for a shot at her.

Refuse to accept that you're not good enough for someone, and at the same time strive to be the best version of yourself so that you have that assurance and composure to fall back on. Then say "fuck it." You have to go for what you want in this world, that's the only way it works.

This advice pissed me off so fucking much due to how awful it is, that I actually had to take a print screen while on my phone in Africa just so that when I was unbanned, I could return and call it out.

Why is it such a thing in dating advice for people just to say 'be confident' and 'you're fine the way you are', this type of advice has proven to be actually harmful due to the overwhelming and widespread lack of understanding of how confidence actually works, yet time and time again we get members like EviLore and Lameolution getting high fived and praised by some poor, dopey fucks who actually believe it to be solid, then we get members like Grapefruit and the cycle repeats.

 

[A Human Becoming]

I had the opportunity to complement a woman's earrings earlier on the bus, when it was just her, the bus driver and myself, but I hesitated. I need to take those opportunities when they come to me.

 

[cdyhybrid]

I'm going to guess and say that you don't work 12 hours a day at home, correct? Sure, working from home undoubtedly makes it harder to meet people during work hours, but there's no reason you can't go out afterwards and potentially meet someone. Hell, if I were you, I'd probably be aching to get out of my apartment after working in it all day.

Would any of your friends in relationships be willing to ditch their significant other for the night? I'm sure some of them would jump at the chance to have some guy time or whatever. Just ask. Explain the situation if you have to. Some of the best wingmen I've ever had have been friends in relationships.

Well, sometimes work stretches into the evenings, depending on how much I have to get done, but yeah. Will do.

 

[Minamu]

This advice pissed me off so fucking much due to how awful it is, that I actually had to take a print screen while on my phone in Africa just so that when I was unbanned, I could return and call it out.

Why is it such a thing in dating advice for people just to say 'be confident' and 'you're fine the way you are', this type of advice has proven to be actually harmful due to the overwhelming and widespread lack of understanding of how confidence actually works, yet time and time again we get members like EviLore and Lameolution getting high fived and praised by some poor, dopey fucks who actually believe it to be solid, then we get members like Grapefruit and the cycle repeats.

I assume you know who EviLore is for starters? What would you have us say to people then? There is no step-by-step guide on how to fix any of this, really. The advice given here is what common sense and experience has taught us to work. You don't need much more than confidence in the long run. What advice would you give? We've all tried to help guys like grap3fruitman, but you gotta listen and apply the advice given as well. Some people just don't want to be helped. At least not in a fashion that actually works.

 

[Shiloa]

Long rant coming:

Well I think its time me and my boyfriend break up. Ive mentioned here that he has never given me any romatic gifts after Ive told him numerous time that I like flowers. I have given him many things, taken him from the subway to my place to his home on so many occasion. He has taken his mom's car about 4-5 times in total in the last 6 months. Selfish/cheap a bit too.

Anyway, I asked him what he would be doing 5 years from now, which he responded "I dont know. (after asking him if he would like to move out on his on) "Get a roomate maybe"

oh no, that does not bode well for me. How you gonna have no car/appartement in your early 30s? Youre done with school. So in all he has no plan for the future at all.

adding to the injury, I told him he was the cause for something, for which he never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He then asked if I could give him a neck massage. haha I refused.

Now I don't know anything about your situation but I have experienced something along these lines from a guy's view. My ex felt she was neglected and putting all the work in, but didn't actually tell me. I was simply focusing on other things at that time in my life and actually, I needed her support at that time.

So, perhaps try and find out how he perceives it

 

[Kainazzo]

Fourth date ended up turning into another ~12 hour adventure. Saw Cloudy 2, went to a city festival, had dinner by the river, and watched The Hobbit at her place. To make a long list of developments short: things are really looking good. As she's opened up she's pretty much become the coolest girl ever; I can't believe she's the same "not very interesting" girl I messaged a month ago 0_o. Turns out we were both afraid that we'd never find someone due to our inexperience- we shared a good laugh about it! She loves how open I am, and I love her sincerity. Sentimental as I am, I've been craving that, and she's all too happy to give. I'm...really not used to that, and I've been sure to let her know. Ha, I don't think she's used to that either; it's like one big cycle of positivity.

With ACL coming up this weekend we won't be able to do much in the city. There's a downtown Mexican restaurant she was looking forward to, but it's booked solid. We looked at a menu online and I'm going to try and cook her choice at her place. I worked the commissariat in military school and watched plenty of Chopped, so at the very least we should have some fun.

Any ideas for indoor activities? We've watched a few movies already, her Internet isn't very fast, and she only gets OTA TV channels through a converter box.

 

[stn]

@Connor419

His advice made sense, and I'm not saying that because of status on here. Part of the advice was "be the best version of yourself". That means do everything you can to improve yourself, but be confident with whatever you have.

The other option is NOT being confident. And what does that get you? Get a haircut, work out - do whatever it takes to maximize your appeal. But be confident with whatever you get.

 

[A Human Becoming]

I'm about to hit my 100th woman hidden on OkCupid. I hide when women who don't respond to my message, I'm not interested in, or goes no where.

EDIT: Damn it wrong thread. This was meant for OkCupid.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Fourth date ended up turning into another ~12 hour adventure. Saw Cloudy 2, went to a city festival, had dinner by the river, and watched The Hobbit at her place. To make a long list of developments short: things are really looking good. As she's opened up she's pretty much become the coolest girl ever; I can't believe she's the same "not very interesting" girl I messaged a month ago 0_o. Turns out we were both afraid that we'd never find someone due to our inexperience- we shared a good laugh about it! She loves how open I am, and I love her sincerity. Sentimental as I am, I've been craving that, and she's all too happy to give. I'm...really not used to that, and I've been sure to let her know. Ha, I don't think she's used to that either; it's like one big cycle of positivity.

With ACL coming up this weekend we won't be able to do much in the city. There's a downtown Mexican restaurant she was looking forward to, but it's booked solid. We looked at a menu online and I'm going to try and cook her choice at her place. I worked the commissariat in military school and watched plenty of Chopped, so at the very least we should have some fun.

Any ideas for indoor activities? We've watched a few movies already, her Internet isn't very fast, and she only gets OTA TV channels through a converter box.

Maybe play a game? Like a real game, not the video kind. A board game or a card game or something?

And thanks for reminding me about ACL this weekend. Need to avoid downtown like the plague.

 

[Conor 419]

@Connor419

His advice made sense, and I'm not saying that because of status on here. Part of the advice was "be the best version of yourself". That means do everything you can to improve yourself, but be confident with whatever you have.

The other option is NOT being confident. And what does that get you? Get a haircut, work out - do whatever it takes to maximize your appeal. But be confident with whatever you get.

Whether you're confident or not is completely out of your direct control.

 

[Pau]

Whether you're confident or not is completely out of your direct control.

Not really. It's hard -sometimes incredibly hard - to become confident, yes, but there are many things you can do about it. If you really feel that it's something you can't overcome, therapy is a very good option.

 

[Conor 419]

Not really

Yes it is.

Not really. It's hard -sometimes incredibly hard - to become confident, yes, but there are many things you can do about it. If you really feel that it's something you can't overcome, therapy is a very good option.

The implication was that you cannot just adopt a state of mind at any given time, to suggest so, as EviLore and various others keep doing, is grossly offensive and scientifically void.

 

[QuantumBro]

So yesterday during one of my classes the professor was taking role by saying names out loud and when he got to my name someone started to look at me, so I looked at her and then she smiled. She did this another two times during the class, I should probably try and talk to her after our next class, right?

 

[A Human Becoming]

So yesterday during one of my classes the professor was taking role by saying names out loud and when he got to my name someone started to look at me, so I looked at her and then she smiled. She did this another two times during the class, I should probably try and talk to her after our next class, right?

Yes sir. Can you not pick seating?

 

[Minamu]

The implication was that you cannot just adopt a state of mind at any given time, to suggest so, as EviLore and various others keep doing, is grossly offensive and scientifically void.

Again, you're not contributing in any fashion except starting fights. What do you suggest then?

 

[QuantumBro]

Yes sir. Can you not pick seating?

I can, but by the time I usually get there most of the seats have already been taken. I guess I'll try and get there a bit earlier next time.

 

[zeemumu]

What does it mean when you have a friend who you're always compelled to spend time around even though you know that you don't have much in common and that a relationship would probably go badly?

 

[beat]

What does it mean when you have a friend who you're always compelled to spend time around even though you know that you don't have much in common and that a relationship would probably go badly?

If it were me, I'd chalk it up to my self-destructive streak.

Is your friend hot? Maybe that's another reason why.

 

[youngwerther]

I keep getting lots of numbers at school but always on the premise of getting together to do school-related stuff.
It's a very safe thing but I need to break out of it somehow.

 

[zeemumu]

If it were me, I'd chalk it up to my self-destructive streak.

Is your friend hot? Maybe that's another reason why.

No. We just talk a lot but don't have a ton of things in common, and I think she's one of my best friends but if someone were to ask me why, I wouldn't be able to explain it. Why is that?

 

[beat]

No. We just talk a lot but don't have a ton of things in common, and I think she's one of my best friends but if someone were to ask me why, I wouldn't be able to explain it. Why is that?

Did you meet a long time ago? That is, long before becoming who you are now?

Do you enjoy talking with her now even if you don't have a lot in common? Do you both want to have more in common? (Like, do you ever act on each other's recommendations?) Or at least do you both accept each other as being different and not resent it, not want to make the other more like you?

I may have misunderstood you earlier. The way you describe it now, it just sounds to me like a friendship that doesn't have to make sense. Emotions aren't logical and they don't have to be. Don't worry about it.

 

[zeemumu]

Do you enjoy talking with her now even if you don't have a lot in common? Do you both want to have more in common? (Like, do you ever act on each other's recommendations?) Or at least do you both accept each other as being different and not resent it, not want to make the other more like you?

I may have misunderstood you earlier. The way you describe it now, it just sounds to me like a friendship that doesn't have to make sense. Emotions aren't logical and they don't have to be. Don't worry about it.

Yes to everything in bold. I'm completely fine if it's just one of those unexplained things. I just thought I'd check to see if this is common among friends.

 

[A Human Becoming]

I have very little in common with one of my closest friends besides us having graduated from the same university. She's outdoorsy and social, neither quality I have. I met her in the fall of 2009 when we had a class together. We never hung out that much during college; I just crashed at her dorm a couple times, held onto her stuff during the summer break, took a couple trips around the area and went to the beach once. She graduated in May of 2012 and lives on the other side of the country now. We text at least a couple times a week about what's going on in our lives. Our friendship grew from confiding in each other. She helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I was one of if not the first persons she told when she lost her virginity. Over the years she told me about the different guys she met and I informed her of my few endeavors with the opposite sex. We give each other relationship advice both romantic and platonic. I've never had any interest in dating her, she's just a good person.

It's not the same situation as yours zeemumu but I can relate somewhat. Unexpected friendships can happen under the right circumstances.

 

[zeemumu]

I have very little in common with one of my closest friends besides us having graduated from the same university. She's outdoorsy and social, neither quality I have. I met her in the fall of 2009 when we had a class together. We never hung out that much during college; I just crashed at her dorm a couple times, held onto her stuff during the summer break, took a couple trips around the area and went to the beach once. She graduated in May of 2012 and lives on the other side of the country now. We text at least a couple times a week about what's going on in our lives. Our friendship grew from confiding in each other. She helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I was one of if not the first persons she told when she lost her virginity. Over the years she told me about the different guys she met and I informed her of my few endeavors with the opposite sex. We give each other relationship advice both romantic and platonic. I've never had any interest in dating her, she's just a good person.

It's not the same situation as yours zeemumu but I can relate somewhat. Unexpected friendships can happen under the right circumstances.

Actually that's pretty close to what she and I are like. I used to think that I wanted to be in a relationship with her, but I realized that I only wanted to be in a relationship because I wanted a close companion, and that I already had that since we're such good friends. The romantic stuff would likely only make things complicated anyway.

 

[stn]

The implication was that you cannot just adopt a state of mind at any given time, to suggest so, as EviLore and various others keep doing, is grossly offensive and scientifically void.

Its absolutely in your control. Being confident is a choice individuals have. Yes, it is objectively more difficult for some people to be more confident than others. But that doesn't make it any less of a personal choice. Its up to each person to ignore his/her "flaws" and make the best of things.

You are who you are, deal with it. Do I wish I could change things about my own appearance? Sure, I'd definitely love thicker hair, no acne, and so forth. Heck, I wish I could change things about my life in general. But I'm not letting that shit get me down with women, its too minor of a problem. I might have other areas of life where I'm depressed, but I'll never be down because of a lack of female attention.

The toughest pill to swallow in life is accepting who you are.Once you get over it then you can succeed. People choose to diminish their own confidence because of how they perceive others will judge them. People choose to shit on themselves endlessly rather than wake up and say "fuck life, I'll be happy today."

I've always thought that people who only have women issues should feel fucking privileged. Such a small issue compared to what's out there. If you don't feel confident about yourself, no-one else will (I don't mean you in particular, just in general).

 

[Conor 419]

Its absolutely in your control. Being confident is a choice individuals have. Yes, it is objectively more difficult for some people to be more confident than others. But that doesn't make it any less of a personal choice. Its up to each person to ignore his/her "flaws" and make the best of things.

You are who you are, deal with it. Do I wish I could change things about my own appearance? Sure, I'd definitely love thicker hair, no acne, and so forth. Heck, I wish I could change things about my life in general. But I'm not letting that shit get me down with women, its too minor of a problem. I might have other areas of life where I'm depressed, but I'll never be down because of a lack of female attention.

The toughest pill to swallow in life is accepting who you are.Once you get over it then you can succeed. People choose to diminish their own confidence because of how they perceive others will judge them. People choose to shit on themselves endlessly rather than wake up and say "fuck life, I'll be happy today."

I've always thought that people who only have women issues should feel fucking privileged. Such a small issue compared to what's out there. If you don't feel confident about yourself, no-one else will (I don't mean you in particular, just in general).

No no no, you do not seem to understand. I don't have any problems here, things are great in my life. I'm here primarily to call out the bullshit advice that permeates this thread. Confidence is not a choice, and I will reiterate again that it is not a choice, if you believe it is a choice then please understand that you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong, because one more time, you cannot directly control the state of your own mind. Are you the kind of person who would tell a depressed person to 'cheer up', or a homosexual to just 'be normal'? I must emphasise that this type of advice is widely believed to be harmful and will never, ever be delivered by anybody who remotely has a clue about what they're they're talking about.

If you're not happy with yourself, then it is your primary responsibility to not accept who you are and make the appropriate changes immediately. I've put on some blob due to my bulk to 85kg, I'm not going to go all flower child and pretend I'm happy with that (which I'm not, objectively), I'm losing that shit right now, if you become overly content with your own flaws and pretend that some shitty, abstract concept of 'positive attitude ' is going to fix all of your problems, then you're never going to get anywhere, ever.

We've all tried to help guys like grap3fruitman

And failed because you all give awful, harmful advice.

 

[Visceir]

If you're not happy with yourself, then it is your primary responsibility to not accept who you are and make the appropriate changes immediately. I've put on some blob due to my bulk to 85kg, I'm not going to go all flower child and pretend I'm happy with that (which I'm not, objectively), I'm losing that shit right now, if you become overly content with your own flaws and pretend that some shitty, abstract concept of 'positive attitude ' is going to fix all of your problems, then you're never going to get anywhere, ever.

Well, part of evilores advice was to "strive to be the best version of yourself " -- kinda covers that point.

No no no, you do not seem to understand. I don't have any problems here, things are great in my life. I'm here primarily to call out the bullshit advice that permeates this thread. Confidence is not a choice, and I will reiterate again that it is not a choice, if you believe it is a choice then please understand that you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong, because one more time, you cannot directly control the state of your own mind. Are you the kind of person who would tell a depressed person to 'cheer up', or a homosexual to just 'be normal'? I must emphasise that this type of advice is widely believed to be harmful and will never, ever be delivered by anybody who remotely has a clue about what they're they're talking about.

Fake it till you make it? Probably the best way to go about gaining confidence and courage if you got none.

I used to ba an all shy teenager, but I did pretty much just that, with that came experience and with experience came confidence.

Can't really compare it to depressed/gay people as it is something you can work on and develope.

 

[stn]

And failed because you all give awful, harmful advice.

Earlier I was willing to engage with you in meaningful discussion, now I'm not. Confidence is a mental state where one is able to go beyond his/her insecurities and still be able to engage the opposite sex without compromise.

We all have issues. I will re-iterate again that I have acne--I was popping zits this morning like a boss--awful hair, and I'm skinny. Guess what? I give no fucks at all when I'm around women. Sure, I get down sometimes when I'm popping my 100th zit, not being able to style my hair, and realizing I need more muscle mass. Once I approach women, however, those problems do not exist to me. At all. I choose to be confident. Oh, and I'm also very picky (most people would say I have no right to be, too bad for them I don't care).

How do I look? Well, I've been told I have the potential to be a 9 if I lose my acne and gain muscle. I'd say I'm a 7. In fact, only recently I went out with a gorgeous girl I met online and she stopped talking to me (clearly I looked better in my pic). Do I care? No. I continue doing what I do and I don't let rejection and shit sway me. I fucking love myself despite all my flaws.

I get depressed like all people. Except I realize the futility of it and choose to snap out of it when I need to. That's the difference between me and those who are "not" confident. They fear rejection so they diminish their own appeal. You know, I used to be very shy around people out of my comfort zone. Now, I can proudly say that I've spoken in front of audiences of over 300 people. And I did that while depressed. I took risks, I fucked my fears in the ass.

You think grap3fruitman failed because we gave bad advice? Please. He failed because he's AWFULLY bitter, has no interests, and isn't willing to talk. How many times did we try to talk to him and he'd give empty answers, incomplete ideas, or just throw fits? Do you know what's sad? To this day I still don't know what his actual issue is, I don't know why he feels the way he does. He wasn't willing to communicate! I feel for the guy and still want to help him, even right now. I was praying he lived me near me because I was actually willing to go hangout with him and be his friend. Too bad he didn't.

So, we gave bad advice? No disrespect meant but please get your head out of your ass.

My best friend is 5'7 and has fucked many girls, including being in a MFF. He rates himself a 6. The girls he banged are at least cute, no less. He used to be depressed as FUCK, he was almost suicidal. He gradually broke out of it as he started to socialize more and learn to accept himself. What do we say about him? Clearly he made a choice to be happy, no?

 

[Miss Riot]

What does it mean when you have a friend who you're always compelled to spend time around even though you know that you don't have much in common and that a relationship would probably go badly?

human beings really flock to self-sabotage. you may want it to disintegrate so you can have a story to tell.

 

[derder]

So had a match date last week. We hit it off and got food after beers.

Set up second date and got food after beers and then a long makeout session on my roof.

What do I do for a 3rd date? I haven't got past a 3rd date in a while, haha.

 

[Miss Riot]

So had a match date last week. We hit it off and got food after beers.

Set up second date and got food after beers and then a long makeout session on my roof.

What do I do for a 3rd date?

When do I try to "get it in"?

first thing is to stop thinking like that. go naturally with whatever is going on. you'll know if its reciprocated. but don't _try_ to get it in. let what happens happen. don't force things because a: it's not genuine and b: it can be creepy as hell

 

[MacGurcules]

So I met with my recently ex-girlfriend last night to give her stuff back. We had a talk for a little while. I don't know what I should have expected. I suppose I was hoping to get some perspective on why she broke up with me. All I ended up doing was making her cry.

She tells me that she really enjoyed being with me. That she could have seen herself staying with this for months or years. It was very comfortable. It was safe. But she never felt "swept off her feet." She never felt "head-over-heels" about it. So there was apparently always some kind of doubt. So if she was going to break it off eventually, she thought it was better to just do it now. I told her I thought she had some unrealistic expectations for what a relationship is supposed to be.

Am I just being cynical or jaded? Is it not enough to feel comforted and secure with someone? To have fun with each other? Does there need to be some ineffable, extra thing in there?

Also, we had some stuff planned for a couple of weeks from now and she tells me that she still wants to do it. I really enjoy spending time with this woman so I really want to keep doing these things with her. It's going to be hard, though. I don't really know how to handle that.

 

[Miss Riot]

So I met with my recently ex-girlfriend last night to give her stuff back. We had a talk for a little while. I don't know what I should have expected. I suppose I was hoping to get some perspective on why she broke up with me. All I ended up doing was making her cry.

She tells me that she really enjoyed being with me. That she could have seen herself staying with this for months or years. It was very comfortable. It was safe. But she never felt "swept off her feet." She never felt "head-over-heels" about it. So there was apparently always some kind of doubt. So if she was going to break it off eventually, she thought it was better to just do it now. I told her I thought she had some unrealistic expectations for what a relationship is supposed to be.

Am I just being cynical or jaded? Is it not enough to feel comforted and secure with someone? To have fun with each other? Does there need to be some ineffable, extra thing in there?

Also, we had some stuff planned for a couple of weeks from now and she tells me that she still wants to do it. I really enjoy spending time with this woman so I really want to keep doing these things with her. It's going to be hard, though. I don't really know how to handle that.

a lot of people want that experience and they may never find it. stay true to yourself, don't overthink it, but don't tell her the expectations are unrealistic. she will have to learn it for herself. and you may find someone else as well. it might happen it might not. don't overthink it, but most of all, don't tell her she is wrong. that's not a solution. some people have to learn on their own for the lessons to stick.

 

[Pau]

No no no, you do not seem to understand. I don't have any problems here, things are great in my life. I'm here primarily to call out the bullshit advice that permeates this thread. Confidence is not a choice, and I will reiterate again that it is not a choice, if you believe it is a choice then please understand that you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong, because one more time, you cannot directly control the state of your own mind. Are you the kind of person who would tell a depressed person to 'cheer up', or a homosexual to just 'be normal'? I must emphasise that this type of advice is widely believed to be harmful and will never, ever be delivered by anybody who remotely has a clue about what they're they're talking about.

If you're not happy with yourself, then it is your primary responsibility to not accept who you are and make the appropriate changes immediately. I've put on some blob due to my bulk to 85kg, I'm not going to go all flower child and pretend I'm happy with that (which I'm not, objectively), I'm losing that shit right now, if you become overly content with your own flaws and pretend that some shitty, abstract concept of 'positive attitude ' is going to fix all of your problems, then you're never going to get anywhere, ever.

I think the issue is still more nuanced than what you're saying. Just because you aren't happy with something doesn't automatically mean that it should or can be changed. Realizing that difference is an important step, I think. For example, I'm not happy with my breast size but I think it's important to realize where that unhappiness comes from instead of just going and getting implants.

And failed because you all give awful, harmful advice.

Gonna go out on a limb and say people failed because they are not psychologists, which seems to be what he needs.

She tells me that she really enjoyed being with me. That she could have seen herself staying with this for months or years. It was very comfortable. It was safe. But she never felt "swept off her feet." She never felt "head-over-heels" about it. So there was apparently always some kind of doubt. So if she was going to break it off eventually, she thought it was better to just do it now. I told her I thought she had some unrealistic expectations for what a relationship is supposed to be.

Am I just being cynical or jaded? Is it not enough to feel comforted and secure with someone? To have fun with each other? Does there need to be some ineffable, extra thing in there?

She wants something out of a relationship that's different than what you two had. Whether it's unrealistic or not doesn't do much to change that. For some people, yes, being comfortable and secure isn't enough.

 

[Undercover Opulent]

I don't know what to think about this. I'll explain the deeper details. This gal I like dated one of my friends for a long time. I don't talk to him at all since he turned into an asshole calling me "gay" ECT. Me and the girl started talking on my senior year and she and I have been talking on and off for a while. She said she'd like to hang out during the summer and I kind of ignored her even though I would've loved to. I not sure if she has a boyfriend or not but the last time I spoke to her she did. I'm think she broke up with him but I'm not too sure. She knows I'm interested in her probably. I've been planning to ask her out to just catch up and talk about college.

Extra tid bit

She dated my friend for about 4 years and I think she still has feelings for him

What should I do?

 

[Miss Riot]

I don't know what to think about this. I'll explain the deeper details. This gal I like dated one of my friends for a long time. I don't talk to him at all since he turned into an asshole calling me "gay" ECT. Me and the girl started talking on my senior year and she and I have been talking on and off for a while. She said she'd like to hang out during the summer and I kind of ignored her even though I would've loved to. I not sure if she has a boyfriend or not but the last time I spoke to her she did. I'm think she broke up with him but I'm not too sure. She knows I'm interested in her probably. I've been planning to ask her out to just catch up and talk about college.

Extra tid bit

She dated my friend for about 4 years and I think she still has feelings for him

What should I do?

go for it. you may be mistaken.

 

[electricshake]

No no no, you do not seem to understand. I don't have any problems here, things are great in my life. I'm here primarily to call out the bullshit advice that permeates this thread. Confidence is not a choice, and I will reiterate again that it is not a choice, if you believe it is a choice then please understand that you are absolutely, unequivocally wrong, because one more time, you cannot directly control the state of your own mind. Are you the kind of person who would tell a depressed person to 'cheer up', or a homosexual to just 'be normal'? I must emphasise that this type of advice is widely believed to be harmful and will never, ever be delivered by anybody who remotely has a clue about what they're they're talking about.

If you're not happy with yourself, then it is your primary responsibility to not accept who you are and make the appropriate changes immediately. I've put on some blob due to my bulk to 85kg, I'm not going to go all flower child and pretend I'm happy with that (which I'm not, objectively), I'm losing that shit right now, if you become overly content with your own flaws and pretend that some shitty, abstract concept of 'positive attitude ' is going to fix all of your problems, then you're never going to get anywhere, ever.



And failed because you all give awful, harmful advice.

Are you actually suggesting people who are gay are abnormal?

In my own experience I've had much better luck when men when I've had the balls (aka confidence) to make the first move than when I just sit back and do nothing. I'm not a particularly confident person so I have to fake it a lot, but it's definitely better than wallowing in self pity. I'm not sure why you think focusing on your positive attributes instead of your negative ones is bad advice, but I'd love to hear what you think is good advice for the people in this thread. As far as I can recall, no one has (seriously, at least) suggested that people do absolutely nothing to improve themselves and expect all their problems to be solved. But looking at your good points can make you feel better about yourself and feel more confident. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try and improve yourself in addition to that.

Also we 'failed' because we aren't the people gfm should be seeking help from - his problems run much deeper and I really hope he gets the help he needs from qualified professionals. I wonder how many other people genuinely feel this thread and its advice has failed them. I know there are a few people at least who haven't progressed as much as they would like, but is that really due to our 'bad' advice or is it something on their end?

 

[Minamu]

I think Conor needs to cite proper peer-reviewed sources on why our advice is wrong and start giving us the right advice and actually help the people in here. That, or shut the hell up. To put it bluntly.

 

[AuthenticM]

Alright guys, I've decided to subscribe to an online dating site. What the fuck do I do ? I'm not having any luck. I've had two dates in the last three years, and I was in university. Shit's kinda depressing.

 

[stn]

Agree with Pau, Shake, and Min. The point of accepting yourself really means that you shouldn't beat your head over things. You should work to change what you can but it doesn't help to shit on yourself. You are who you are.

Part of being strong is going out there and ignoring what you think people think of you. That means not caring when you're the skinny guy at the gym. That means not caring when you have acne (in my case), that means going to an event and doing your best to meet new people (as I did when I went to a GAF meet-up).

Its easy to sit at home and ponder about what people think of you. It makes sense to carry a positive attitude because a negative one does NOTHING. You just throw yourself deeper into depression. And you seek pity more. Fuck that.

 

[youngwerther]

I keep getting lots of numbers at school but always on the premise of getting together to do school-related stuff.
It's a very safe thing but I need to break out of it somehow.

Anyone have any advice on this sort of thing?
It's a very big problem for me.

I could tell some stories but man...
There just seems to be this weird disconnect between how I'm always getting numbers and yet never doing anything with them.

 

[A Human Becoming]

Alright guys, I've decided to subscribe to an online dating site. What the fuck do I do ? I'm not having any luck. I've had two dates in the last three years, and I was in university. Shit's kinda depressing.

Which site? I used OkCupid. Plenty of Fish is an eyesore.

 

[grap3fruitman]

Alright guys, I've decided to subscribe to an online dating site. What the fuck do I do ? I'm not having any luck. I've had two dates in the last three years, and I was in university. Shit's kinda depressing.

Try being 26 and never having been on a date.

 

[Artofwar420]

Question about girlfriend being touchy with specific guy:

I just need some perspective. We are at about 5 months in of our relationship and are quite affectionate with each other and have frequents dates and sex. So this guy who was good friends with her from her previous work a year or so ago transferred to our college. Background on her, she seems to be a bit of a flirt, complimenting guys and girls alike. Like "oh she has a great butt," or "that shirt looks good on [other person]."

1. So upon their first meeting she gave him a huge hug, threw me off a bit, but ok, whatever.
   
2. Second weird thing she catches us wearing a similar jacket and casually mentions she seems to fall in love with people with that jacket, but quickly changed the subject as if she said something she shouldn't have.
   
3. She randomly got roses and calls me up to ask if they're from me. They weren't. I worry a bit she might be getting stalked, so she asks her roommate. Finally she says it's probably her roommate's.
   
4. Fourth and maybe worst, is we're talking in a group and he comes in and she says hi to him and - the best word I can muster is gently - caresses his face, twice. Also, quickly she tries to compose herself as if she forgot what she did. All through these events, I maintained composure and remained calm while staying friendly with the chap.

I am not an abnormally jealous guy, but I smell something fishy here. Could this be nothing but friendly banter? Is this an old ex who is coming to "wreck my shit?" Can exes remain friends with a girl without rekindling anything? Any advice would greatly be appreciated.

 

[AuthenticM]

Which site? I used OkCupid. Plenty of Fish is an eyesore.

I don't know. I've heard positive things about OkCupid. Should I go there ? What are the alternatives ?

 

[PsihoPerihelion]

So, I never thought I would post here but hey, time to break the curse lol.

I've been seeing this gal who is an absolute gem, in my book. Our first date was, to put it lightly, bad. After that day, she had a complete change of attitude and I was about to surrender. I didn't. I told her "hey, why don't we meet again?" and she accepted. Since that second date, everything has been going as pure as Heisenberg's crystal meth.

She broke up with a guy like 3 months ago because she thought "he was too boring and dumb for her." I had some sort of affair more than a year ago, but it wasn't anything serious. It was actually horrendous at the end and made me say "no fucking dates for at least 2 years"

I broke my promise a year later because of how special this one is. 4 dates and I've been already been invited to her home. She is alone almost all day so, yeah, tread lightly.

She's slowly insinuating things to me and I've been doing the same. Even if she had said "I'm going to be single from now on" you just know how girls are after ending a relationship (don't worry gals, I was a real asshole when I broke up so it's not some macho crap what I'm saying)

The thing is, I'm kinda insecure. I'm not "oh shit I'm so fugly to talk to her yadah yadah" kinds of insecure, but more on a level were I can feel that something is going wrong and it might end up badly or the person is losing interest, if you get my point. I was WAY more insecure before, but I've lost like 55 pounds in a year (breaking up with someone can actually help, huh) and that has been really helpful.

I haven't feel a lost of interest on this month from her part after that second date, so I guess we are doing fine. I can't describe how I feel this is going somewhere, but you have my word (and my sword, shield, whatever...)

To finish all this, I might ask to DatingGAF any sort of advices? I never, ever ask for advice on this situations, but I really, really like her and want this to work as smoothly as possible.

That's my story, dudes and gals of NeoGaf.

 

[kidko]

Question about girlfriend being touchy with specific guy:

I just need some perspective. We are at about 5 months in of our relationship and are quite affectionate with each other and have frequents dates and sex. So this guy who was good friends with her from her previous work a year or so ago transferred to our college. Background on her, she seems to be a bit of a flirt, complimenting guys and girls alike. Like "oh she has a great butt," or "that shirt looks good on [other person]."

1. So upon their first meeting she gave him a huge hug, threw me off a bit, but ok, whatever.
   
2. Second weird thing she catches us wearing a similar jacket and casually mentions she seems to fall in love with people with that jacket, but quickly changed the subject as if she said something she shouldn't have.
   
3. She randomly got roses and calls me up to ask if they're from me. They weren't. I worry a bit she might be getting stalked, so she asks her roommate. Finally she says it's probably her roommate's.
   
4. Fourth and maybe worst, is we're talking in a group and he comes in and she says hi to him and - the best word I can muster is gently - caresses his face, twice. Also, quickly she tries to compose herself as if she forgot what she did. All through these events, I maintained composure and remained calm while staying friendly with the chap.

I am not an abnormally jealous guy, but I smell something fishy here. Could this be nothing but friendly banter? Is this an old ex who is coming to "wreck my shit?" Can exes remain friends with a girl without rekindling anything? Any advice would greatly be appreciated.

Trust your gut.

But maybe she's doing it on purpose, hoping you'll get jealous.

 

[maxxpower]

What are the alternatives ?

Socialize in real life. I've only gotten like two dates out of that site(I'm not really a good-looking guy), and that was with girls that messaged me first. While I haven't really gone on dates with girls I meet in real life I've gotten a lot more numbers from girls in real life than I've had successful message conversations on online sites.

But go ahead and try it, plenty of people have had success on that site.

 

[jadedm17]

Question about girlfriend being touchy with specific guy:
.

Seems mostly harmless, but I'm a flirt myself, I love the mindless ego-boosting.

Details missing:
- How old are you and her?
- Were the flowers for the roommate?
- Does she still refer to you as boyfriend?