Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
- Start date
- Status
It's probably fine. Just let them know you have no expectations, but you would love to be able to have a friendship with them. Asking out of the blue to restart a relationship is probably a bit much, but if you reconnect as friends you should be able to figure out quickly enough if there's a possibility of anything more.
@log There is more to who I am than alpha vs beta. I'm not ashamed of caring for someone even after they've hurt me.
element
Member
/livejournal mode on
I'm having a really difficult time getting people interested. Interested online into actually communicating and in the rare chance of actually meeting someone. I always end up with the "You're a cool guy, but...". I haven't been on a second date in almost two years. I don't want this to come across as the problem is with the girls, because it is really me, but I am lost on what to do. Being single and in my mid 30's is really making me depressed. I feel my chances of meeting someone becoming fleeting. It gets me down, which might be part of the problem. Any other mid 30 year olds have any advice?
/livejournal mode off
I'm having a really difficult time getting people interested. Interested online into actually communicating and in the rare chance of actually meeting someone. I always end up with the "You're a cool guy, but...". I haven't been on a second date in almost two years. I don't want this to come across as the problem is with the girls, because it is really me, but I am lost on what to do. Being single and in my mid 30's is really making me depressed. I feel my chances of meeting someone becoming fleeting. It gets me down, which might be part of the problem. Any other mid 30 year olds have any advice?
/livejournal mode off
Are you interesting? Do you look like you have your life together?
element
Member
I mean I've got the same issues that everyone else has, but I feel I have my shit together. I live in a nice apt. I just paid my car off. Going on a trip for my friends wedding. I have a good group of friends, but they are all younger than me by 6 to 8 years. Majority are current or former co-workers, and my industry steers young and 95% male, which makes meeting girls via my social group challenging.
As for interesting, I would say I am plain with spice. I have activities (soccer, snowboarding). I have a dog, we go for walks and hikes. I go to concerts. I have hobbies, like photography. I go out and socialize with friends. But I also enjoy watching a movie at home or cooking. I enjoy relaxing and jumping out of a plane or traveling to six countries in a week just doesn't interest me. I'm sure there are people out there who would consider me boring, but I just live a normal life in my eyes.
NeOak
Member
God damn it. I have this fucking gut feeling over something, but its like, making me question everything she does and says when it isn't my goddamn business.
What is worse, I asked her. She explained everything, yet I don't believe her.
Goddamn it, why is it so hard to trust again, when in fact there isn't anything going on and even if it were, it isn't any of my business.
Being paranoid sucks, especially over something that I shouldn't care.
What is worse, I asked her. She explained everything, yet I don't believe her.
Goddamn it, why is it so hard to trust again, when in fact there isn't anything going on and even if it were, it isn't any of my business.
Being paranoid sucks, especially over something that I shouldn't care.
element
Member
Typical small talk. Hobbies. Work. Family. Stories.
Typically if I see someone a second time they want to hang as friends. I get placed in the friend box, a lot. I'm a friendly guy.
I know one problem I have is I am oblivious at times. I'm awful at signals. Giving them off, as well as understanding incoming ones. I really never picked up that skill.
Maybe you should try planning more original dates? Not sure what you're doing now, but try something that will catch their attention. An easy one is to take up cooking, make a nice picnic and take her to a public park (if it's the first date you'll probably want to choose a busy one). Maybe even bring your dog or a frisbee or something along. That wouldn't suit every girl ever, it's just an example of something other than a generic dinner, which can often be awkward.
As for picking up signals, I'd honestly do some research. There are plenty of guides out there. For example if you exchange looks with a girl and she adjusts her hair/clothes that means you should go talk to her. Of course that's for meeting people but you get the idea. Look for those sorts of things. And if all else fails, just go for it and try being a little more forward than usual. Don't worry about being awkward, girls generally don't mind that as long as they see you making an effort.
Keep in mind I'm offering advice as someone who's yet to have dated a girl older than 21.
Later this week. To be honest, I think this is going to be where I just tell her if she wants to actually be something more. If not, then I suppose I move on haha.
Might get some heat for saying this but I think you should try to steer conversations in a more sexual/flirty direction. Kinda hard to be "bland" when naughty thoughts are involved -- obviously it is important to know what you can get away with.
I also generally try to avoid those big interview-type questions and instead talk to them more like I would talk to people I'm familiar with already, talking about the past weekend or other "smaller" things. Rather than saying you're into snowboarding just tell them about your last trip or a fun story relating to it.
Don't see why you'd get heat for it. Flirting is super fun and definitely a way to establish something that's beyond just being friendly. Of course, the other person has to reciprocate, but it's a good method of gauging interest and easy to back off if there isn't any.
element
Member
I don't see a problem with that, but you have to approach it with tact. The dates I have gone on recently aren't even in flirty stages, they are just getting to know someone. I ask questions to find mutual interests. LIke the girl I saw recently, she snowboarded and we talked about our favorite mountains. Ice breaker type question that developed into a great conversation.
I do have to keep aware of how much I talk though. When I get nervous I talk, a lot. Which when I was younger made me sound like an egomaniac.
I agree. I think you should do what your heart tells you. It hurts bad but you still love them.
Beware those who toy with your emotions.
I don't know if you have to be in a "flirty stage" or rather, how do you know you're there until someone starts? I think a lot of times people doubt themselves (men and women) and I figure, if the other person is having doubts, I might as well make the first move and see where it goes.
Flirting's a hard thing to describe though and not every person is receptive to it.
Yet you get viewed as this "friendly guy" and put in the "friend box". You can be all flirty right from the get-go, It's entirely up to you to take the date into the "flirty stage" or atleast introduce some elements of it while getting to know the other person. If you don't do it then it'll most likely never happen...and you'll end up being the "friendly guy"
Going by what you've told I still think you're playing it much too safe and it doesn't seem to be working out for you. Might as well be a bit more gutsy and take a chance. Odds are you'll screw it up the first few times but atleast you'd be making steps in the right direction.
Whoever said me going over was a bad idea was right.
She greets me with a passionate kiss. I don't refuse it even though I plan to be pragmatic. Still a huge wave of relief and optimism flood over me.
Then she starts ranting about all the things I've ever done wrong. About how I'm too laissaez fairs.
Then she tells me that the night after she dumped me she went out with another guy. He left her in the middle of the date.
She only wanted me here because she knew I would validate her. She even dared to suggest we might be together again before dashing those odds with obsurd requirements.
Evidentially I haven't had sex enough in my past. And that's a barrier that despite all I've offered, despite how hard I've worked for her, despite how unconditionally I've loved her, she can't overcome.
And she brought me over in the middle of me trying to recover from the break up. That shit was hard enough on me and she knew it. This she pulls THIS shit.
Oh and she lives an hour and a half a way. I can't just go back home. I have to sleep on her floor and agonize about this all fucking night.
I am literally nauseous.
I am so fucking pissed.
SO fucking pissed.
She greets me with a passionate kiss. I don't refuse it even though I plan to be pragmatic. Still a huge wave of relief and optimism flood over me.
Then she starts ranting about all the things I've ever done wrong. About how I'm too laissaez fairs.
Then she tells me that the night after she dumped me she went out with another guy. He left her in the middle of the date.
She only wanted me here because she knew I would validate her. She even dared to suggest we might be together again before dashing those odds with obsurd requirements.
Evidentially I haven't had sex enough in my past. And that's a barrier that despite all I've offered, despite how hard I've worked for her, despite how unconditionally I've loved her, she can't overcome.
And she brought me over in the middle of me trying to recover from the break up. That shit was hard enough on me and she knew it. This she pulls THIS shit.
Oh and she lives an hour and a half a way. I can't just go back home. I have to sleep on her floor and agonize about this all fucking night.
I am literally nauseous.
I am so fucking pissed.
SO fucking pissed.
You have to put yourself on a pedestal, not some chick who broke up with you...or this happens to you mang.
Don't tempt me.
stn
Member
@servbot24
She's the most important person to you in the world? I'd put my mom in that prestigious spot 200 times over. What's worse, she clearly doesn't respect you anymore. She invited you because she believed you would show up. She thinks she has command over you, man. And bro, if she dumped because she didn't like the sex then you NEED to re-evaluate her as a person.
Sounds like trash. You're in a better place now, stop communicating with her.
EDIT: Guys above me, don't joke about suicide. Sometimes I can't tell if a person over the net is being serious or not.
She's the most important person to you in the world? I'd put my mom in that prestigious spot 200 times over. What's worse, she clearly doesn't respect you anymore. She invited you because she believed you would show up. She thinks she has command over you, man. And bro, if she dumped because she didn't like the sex then you NEED to re-evaluate her as a person.
Sounds like trash. You're in a better place now, stop communicating with her.
EDIT: Guys above me, don't joke about suicide. Sometimes I can't tell if a person over the net is being serious or not.
My problem with dating or picking up girls is not self confidence per se, but rather stablishing a conversation with a total stranger. I am like... "what is the point of this?". People tends to be mightily un-interesting creatures. And if you have approached a girl with no prior knowdegle of her (say, in a bar) it is obvious that you are doing it because of how she looks, since you don't have any additional information about her, but then you have to beat around the bush regarding that fact because social conventions says it so. I try to steer the conversation in order to discover more about the other person so I can have genuine interest on them, but it is kinda hard and not the type of conversation that will get you anywwhere, I think. People that knows me says that I am a very genuine and good conversator, but that goes to crap once I deal with strangers :/
Same situation here. My advice is: Drill, baby, drill. And be aware that these thoughts that you are having are result of overthinking and over-caring. What's the worst that it is going to happen? You are not going to be humilliated, nor punished, nor fined. So just do it, don't think about the repercussions of something so inconsequential.
Having a bit of "yolo" in you won't harm you, believe me. And try to stablish conversations with girls, regardless of their result and intention, just practice your own "outgoing skills". Or as one friend of mine told me once:
"Everytime I talk to a girl I become a better person". This is a very good motto to follow if you are a shy guy, me thinks
There are people who simply suck bollocks at reading other people. I do not not whenever I am being liked or disliked, unless it is specifically and verbally stated, people talking about "body language" is as alien to me as people talking about reading auras. This makes flirting a kind of a social Russian roulette and an overall horrible experience, but one has to keep trying to understand these things.
Same situation here. My advice is: Drill, baby, drill. And be aware that these thoughts that you are having are result of overthinking and over-caring. What's the worst that it is going to happen? You are not going to be humilliated, nor punished, nor fined. So just do it, don't think about the repercussions of something so inconsequential.
Having a bit of "yolo" in you won't harm you, believe me. And try to stablish conversations with girls, regardless of their result and intention, just practice your own "outgoing skills". Or as one friend of mine told me once:
"Everytime I talk to a girl I become a better person". This is a very good motto to follow if you are a shy guy, me thinks
There are people who simply suck bollocks at reading other people. I do not not whenever I am being liked or disliked, unless it is specifically and verbally stated, people talking about "body language" is as alien to me as people talking about reading auras. This makes flirting a kind of a social Russian roulette and an overall horrible experience, but one has to keep trying to understand these things.
Well yes but my mom lives very far away. This girl had the most day to day importance by far. And it's not that the sex was bad, it's that she has had a screwed up life with lots of sex partners and she said she can't relate to how "pure" I am despite knowing about my history from the beginning.
kryptikjoker
Member
In need of some advice:
I met this girl three weeks ago at work, through a mutual friend. Basically, I told my friend I was interested in this girl, and I muster up the courage to ask her out on a date. We end up going on our first date, and it goes very well. We have great conversation all night, and she keeps saying she doesn't want to leave, but has work early the next morning. Before the night ends, she says I could drop by and see her at work if I wanted to. The next day, I come and see her; we go and take a walk around the building and have great conversation again. I then ask her if she wants to go to the beach (the nearest beach is at least two hours away), and she agrees.
Long story short, the beach trip goes well, and we end up dating for a few weeks. I met her parents, we talked every day, and went on many different types of dates (movies, dinner, amusement park, lunch at home). On our last time together, I rented a hotel room along the beach and we had a wine and PJs evening. It got very physical and things went well. Two days later, she texts me and splits up with me. This occurs 14 hours after our last conversation ended with her stating that she missed me and couldn't wait to see me again.
After she texted me that she's splitting up with me, she apologizes and says that she wanted to tell me in person. We end up scheduling to meet up, I wanted to hear the whole explanation in person. Her reasons for splitting up with me were that she felt we weren't a match. I had even mentioned that maybe we progressed too fast and that maybe we should slow down, but she declined. Although she's made it clear that we are not a match, part of me is questioning why. We were physical until the end, had great conversation, and had many inside jokes; her change of heart occurred abruptly.
Part of me wants to keep an open line of communication with her, but leave her alone for the next few weeks. But I'm also receiving advice to just let it go and move on. Any thoughts on how I should proceed? The way it ended so abruptly bruised me bad.
TL;DR: dated a girl for a few weeks, went on many successful dates and met her parents, we become physical then she abruptly ends it, stating we're no longer a match. Thoughts?
I met this girl three weeks ago at work, through a mutual friend. Basically, I told my friend I was interested in this girl, and I muster up the courage to ask her out on a date. We end up going on our first date, and it goes very well. We have great conversation all night, and she keeps saying she doesn't want to leave, but has work early the next morning. Before the night ends, she says I could drop by and see her at work if I wanted to. The next day, I come and see her; we go and take a walk around the building and have great conversation again. I then ask her if she wants to go to the beach (the nearest beach is at least two hours away), and she agrees.
Long story short, the beach trip goes well, and we end up dating for a few weeks. I met her parents, we talked every day, and went on many different types of dates (movies, dinner, amusement park, lunch at home). On our last time together, I rented a hotel room along the beach and we had a wine and PJs evening. It got very physical and things went well. Two days later, she texts me and splits up with me. This occurs 14 hours after our last conversation ended with her stating that she missed me and couldn't wait to see me again.
After she texted me that she's splitting up with me, she apologizes and says that she wanted to tell me in person. We end up scheduling to meet up, I wanted to hear the whole explanation in person. Her reasons for splitting up with me were that she felt we weren't a match. I had even mentioned that maybe we progressed too fast and that maybe we should slow down, but she declined. Although she's made it clear that we are not a match, part of me is questioning why. We were physical until the end, had great conversation, and had many inside jokes; her change of heart occurred abruptly.
Part of me wants to keep an open line of communication with her, but leave her alone for the next few weeks. But I'm also receiving advice to just let it go and move on. Any thoughts on how I should proceed? The way it ended so abruptly bruised me bad.
TL;DR: dated a girl for a few weeks, went on many successful dates and met her parents, we become physical then she abruptly ends it, stating we're no longer a match. Thoughts?
Wolfgunblood Garopa
Member
The hardest thing is going through these experiences with shitty people until you meet someone who actually really cares about you. You'll know right away when you meet her. Until then, just try not to force anything, don't make excuses for others, or convince yourself of something that isn't real.
AdventureRacing
Member
Kind of a random post but having just seen your picture in the post your pictures thread i can't believe you have so much trouble with women. You're a damn good looking guy.
Artofwar420
Member
Could be several things:
Found someone who was more of a match to her.
Realized she doesn't like you as much.
Doesn't want a relationship now.
What do you think? A relationship is a two way thing, you can't be the only one putting the effort. She wants out, don't be a clinger. Move on, meet new people, date. Or don't, go and improve yourself. Become a better you.
it sounds to me like she's getting back together with an ex. not much would cause someone to drop it that quickly especially if it was going so well with her. see you in person to tell you? yes, she is returning to her ex. I may be wrong but it ticks all the boxes.
Woody Invincible
Banned
Right on the nose. This is the most likely scenario.
stn
Member
I also just saw your pic, grap3fruitman. You look stylish and seem like you can be fun and goofy. And you have other GAF'ers saying that you're good looking. If you just changed your attitude you'd be very successful with everything you desire.
The looks barrier is usually the hardest for people to overcome in relationships, but you already got that covered. Its a shame that all of your posts in here are littered with negativity and bitterness.
The looks barrier is usually the hardest for people to overcome in relationships, but you already got that covered. Its a shame that all of your posts in here are littered with negativity and bitterness.
Quoting for the new page. Any advice?
beefspring
Member
I hate when they do that. Depending on how often you usually message each other, give it a day or two more, but I don't think there's a problem with double messaging. One time a girl told me that she wrote back but must have forgot to hit send, she saw her message to me in her "drafts". She also might have gotten bombarded with other messages and yours got sent to the bottom of her inbox, so she's thinking she replied and is waiting on you.
beefspring
Member
Got a question for you all. I'm on dating sites as a 6'3 male and I'm attracted to tall women, so I usually search for things like "minimum height 5'6" or whatever. Some sites actually put this info in the profile.
Something weird I noticed about myself the other day, I contacted a shorter girl who is like 5'2. I mention that I usually don't contact short girls and she was an exception. The whole time during the message, I felt like she would automatically be in to me because of my height, like I already have an edge on this potential relationship. I felt in the drivers seat, instantly more confident about the whole situation. I wish I felt this way with the tall women, I feel like I have to boast about other qualities, I lose my edge, not as confident and have to be careful about what I say.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? I guess it's more of "this girl is out of my league so I have to play my cards right" against "I've already got this in the bag". It really puts a new perspective on how to approach these sorts of things.
Something weird I noticed about myself the other day, I contacted a shorter girl who is like 5'2. I mention that I usually don't contact short girls and she was an exception. The whole time during the message, I felt like she would automatically be in to me because of my height, like I already have an edge on this potential relationship. I felt in the drivers seat, instantly more confident about the whole situation. I wish I felt this way with the tall women, I feel like I have to boast about other qualities, I lose my edge, not as confident and have to be careful about what I say.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? I guess it's more of "this girl is out of my league so I have to play my cards right" against "I've already got this in the bag". It really puts a new perspective on how to approach these sorts of things.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Jesus @ grap3fruitman. All of this self-hate over that?
If you ask me, its because you fundamentally don't really care if the relationship "goes" anywhere because she is further away from your "ideal" women.
forknknife
Banned
Yeah, agreed, I already told him in that thread too.
That said, I can still understand his situation because I have also been told I'm good looking and still I've been terrible terrible terrible with girls most of my life. I only started improving my situation in the last 6 years or so and I'm already 33.
But I am happy that I have been having much more success lately. Ok cupid had been working great for me too.
So I have a sort of predicament going on right now. There's this girl who plays on my soccer team that I met about a month ago, who my group of friends has quickly integrated into our little circle. I see her probably 2 or 3 times a week now and we all text each other in a group text. I'm definitely attracted to her but there's some complications.
My best friend is also on the team with us, and it became very aware to me right off the bat that he's also interested in her. Kinda shitty, but we're all adults here. I decided to ask him about it, just to gauge his interest, and seeing as he's kind of an emotionally cold person, he wouldn't really come right out and say it. When it came right down to it, he said "he didn't wan't to jeopardize the team and that if something happened, that we should let each other know."
I didn't really like the way he put it, essentially making it out to be a sort of game. We both promised not to fuck each other over in any way, and that's good, but it's still awkward. Now we still have two months left until the end of our season, and it would be very hard for me to ask her out and risk anything awkward happening between us and messing up the team. She's the only girl on our team and we need at least one.
Another wrinkle is the fact that someone else on our team has already tried making a move on her, although he was much more obvious, and shall we say, sexual about it. She shot him down immediately, but she definitely seemed slightly fazed by the whole thing. Of course, I'm not as overtly sexual about my intentions as he was, so I'm not really worried about creeping her out or anything.
I'm just not sure how to react here. I've got a girl who's recently joined our group of friends, and a best friend who is also interested. Everything seems to be peachy right now, but sadly I favor my friends odds better than mine and feel if I was going to do something it should be sooner rather than later, but don't want to mess up the team in any way which doesn't end until November. I also feel that if I do ask her to do something together alone, she'll figure out what I'm doing and my friend will most likely give me shit for it too. We have spent a lot of time together in the last few weeks, even talking for over 2 hours in a parking lot last night, but my friend was also there. I just want to make sure I tread carefully and not have everything come crashing down at once.
My best friend is also on the team with us, and it became very aware to me right off the bat that he's also interested in her. Kinda shitty, but we're all adults here. I decided to ask him about it, just to gauge his interest, and seeing as he's kind of an emotionally cold person, he wouldn't really come right out and say it. When it came right down to it, he said "he didn't wan't to jeopardize the team and that if something happened, that we should let each other know."
I didn't really like the way he put it, essentially making it out to be a sort of game. We both promised not to fuck each other over in any way, and that's good, but it's still awkward. Now we still have two months left until the end of our season, and it would be very hard for me to ask her out and risk anything awkward happening between us and messing up the team. She's the only girl on our team and we need at least one.
Another wrinkle is the fact that someone else on our team has already tried making a move on her, although he was much more obvious, and shall we say, sexual about it. She shot him down immediately, but she definitely seemed slightly fazed by the whole thing. Of course, I'm not as overtly sexual about my intentions as he was, so I'm not really worried about creeping her out or anything.
I'm just not sure how to react here. I've got a girl who's recently joined our group of friends, and a best friend who is also interested. Everything seems to be peachy right now, but sadly I favor my friends odds better than mine and feel if I was going to do something it should be sooner rather than later, but don't want to mess up the team in any way which doesn't end until November. I also feel that if I do ask her to do something together alone, she'll figure out what I'm doing and my friend will most likely give me shit for it too. We have spent a lot of time together in the last few weeks, even talking for over 2 hours in a parking lot last night, but my friend was also there. I just want to make sure I tread carefully and not have everything come crashing down at once.
Omegasquash
Member
Smile lots, don't be afraid to make eye contact, and have fun. The goal here is to make yourself more attractive to her, not make any kind of outright moves. Understand that the chips might fall in your friend's pile too, because if he's there chatting he's doing the same thing you are. You need to outperform him without looking like you're outperforming him, which means doing the stuff I wrote in the first sentence, and if she responds in a way that shows interest, then ask her out.
T
Transhuman
Unconfirmed Member
I disagree with Omega. Ask her if she's looking for a boyfriend. Ask her out to see a movie. Just don't waste time, and as far as your friend goes you tried to alleviate any potential hurt feelings, if things work out between you and her and he's grouchy, fuck him.
Omegasquash
Member
All's fair in love and war, it's true. My post pretty much tries to avoid friend conflicts, but if you're not afraid to go there then go for it. There is a possibility that your friend is going to do that anyway, FWIW.
I will say you need to have a mix of two other responses.
backflip10019
Member
Ask her out. Just do it. If she says yes, then your friend needs to get over it. If not, at least you know.
beat
Member
I'm gonna side more with Transhuman. Don't waste time.
My opinion, if she's into you, your friend should be grown up enough to accept it. If she's not into you, better you find out sooner than later. If she's into your friend, sucks for you, but you're not gonna do more than delay the inevitable. And if she's into neither of you, then you and your friend should be pretty OK.
My opinion, if she's into you, your friend should be grown up enough to accept it. If she's not into you, better you find out sooner than later. If she's into your friend, sucks for you, but you're not gonna do more than delay the inevitable. And if she's into neither of you, then you and your friend should be pretty OK.
Man, I need to get out more and quit this online dating business, it's emotionally draining, cold and getting me absolutely nowhere. My social life is down the shitter though. All my friends are in long lasting relationships and there are two babies on the way. Clubbing has pretty much been completely off the menu for the past 2 years. The last time I properly went "out", as in to a club, was probably in July during my holiday in France. And given that I was a 25 year old surrounded by 16-17 year olds, that wasn't exactly a roaring success. Drinking a beer at our regular pub doesn't result in meeting any new people (women) either.
Any tips for someone in my situation: 25 years old, average looking (but losing what little hair he's left), full time job, all friends in long lasting relationships (some with kids on the way).
I really don't want to resort to being the loser who goes clubbing all by his self. Sure it would be fine to hit the dance floor alone, but it's always nice to be able to touch base with someone.
*Side note: I've been on roughly 20 dates in the past 3 years. None of them resulted in an actual relationship. Longest dating period was around 7 weeks. Most don't last more than 1-3 dates. So I'm probably also generally shit at dating.
Any tips for someone in my situation: 25 years old, average looking (but losing what little hair he's left), full time job, all friends in long lasting relationships (some with kids on the way).
I really don't want to resort to being the loser who goes clubbing all by his self. Sure it would be fine to hit the dance floor alone, but it's always nice to be able to touch base with someone.
*Side note: I've been on roughly 20 dates in the past 3 years. None of them resulted in an actual relationship. Longest dating period was around 7 weeks. Most don't last more than 1-3 dates. So I'm probably also generally shit at dating.
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