Support NeoGAF

[Blade2.0]

I just can't stand the bullshit made up words people use or they try to elevate the speech when it isn't needed. Here is an example:

"Gaining an EDGE: Transforming the Sales and Service Experience
John Beauregard on how the EDGE Center of Excellence continues to streamline processes, making the experience better for employees and customers across the enterprise."

This is on my company's front page internal website right now. This paragraph literally says nothing. I hate it. Just say what you mean.

 

[BossLackey]

Yeah, I fucking hate it. Just came back from a work-related event and these words were flying all over the place. It's a way of saying very little with as many made up words as possible to seem competent, in my opinion.

 

[lem0n]

It's all nonsense. Corporate culture, as a whole, can eat a fat dick.

 

[Aesius]

It's all trash. "Post-mortem" to describe a meeting to discuss the completion of a project. WTF?! Did we kill someone? Are we going to be dissecting a corpse? Why are we comparing our completed project to a dead person.

 

[Chittagong]

I just can't stand the bullshit made up words people use or they try to elevate the speech when it isn't needed. Here is an example:

"Gaining an EDGE: Transforming the Sales and Service Experience
John Beauregard on how the EDGE Center of Excellence continues to streamline processes, making the experience better for employees and customers across the enterprise."

This is on my company's front page internal website right now. This paragraph literally says nothing. I hate it. Just say what you mean.

I will need to double click on this, let’s take it offline.

 

[FunkMiller]

Yep. It's awful. I certainly wouldn't want to work in a corporate PR and comms job, where you have to deal with that asinine shit all the time.

 

[Spukc]

Fuck’em

 

[dr_octagon]

It's all nonsense. Corporate culture, as a whole, can eat a fat dick.

We hear you.

In response, we are developing an improved communication strategy. We want you [name] to be part of this process.

Let's work together to make this a more inclusive, welcoming and diverse organisation within [industry].

 

[Kev Kev]

When they try to say “we’re all one big family”

 

[Billbofet]

Can we parking lot this discussion for now and instead leverage our core competencies to right-size our coverage to gain traction?

Also hate the phrases, "At the end of the day", "Keep me honest here....", "We're taking a haircut on this deal", and any phrase with the term "optics" in it.
All these phrases go directly against my KPI's.

 

[funkygunther]

 

[NecrosaroIII]

I work at a start up. Love my job, but the stuff about "how we're changing the world and saving lives" gets exhausting.

 

[dr_octagon]

When they try to say “we’re all one big family”

We are not aligned and harmonised. We are talking cross purposes bro-tato, let's put time in the diary to get on the same page. Danke.

 

[Tieno]

I need to puke

 

[JohnHornbuckle]

Can’t stand it. Worst thing about my job. Just let me do my work without feeding me this fake bs.

 

[p_xavier]

I work in French Canada and English Canada and the work ethics differences are insane. French, we only care about results, dress as a clown and swear as much as you want. English, how do you look and how it might affect our image, just smile with a tie and we'll be happy, also sell your soul to our clients.

 

[robo_qwop]

Who in their right mind would say they "like corporate speech"?

 

[deafmedal]

i like being called a resource… like i’m a piece of fucking coal or something

 

[StateofMajora]

I can't last very long working for a big corporate anymore. I just call them out on the bullshit and of course that's not going to work long term xD

I may work for the railroad later. At least it's union. But they cuss in the training rooms and don't go so hard with this crap.

 

[Blade2.0]

Who in their right mind would say they "like corporate speech"?

I guess Corporate execs that make up this bullshit and get paid way more than they deserve for it. lol

 

[nush]

When I got my first soulless corporate cubicle farm job I was also able to get a mate I knew very well a job there because I said "Mate, just apply say yes to everything they ask you and they'll hire anyone". They did and he got the job.

So we noticed this very English office was full of this American corporate speech. So when we had big meetings lots of mid to upper level management would go in hard with the language. So to entertain my mate I would go in hard with this language quite obviously taking the piss. My mates there in the back trying hard to to laugh at me mocking the people using this language.

The frightening this was, nobody worked out I was taking the piss out of them, they responded to it and it actually worked. So even to this day in the right environment I'll code switch because dumb corporate sheep fall for it.

Let's take a view on it, take ownership of the problem, stop working in silos and strategize a solution to bring the project into land in a timely matter. It's all bollocks.

 

[ReBurn]

You mean marketing?

 

[JohnHornbuckle]

I hate when my job constantly brings up “the culture”. Like we are really any different than any other corporate office.

 

[InfiniteCombo]

Not just you, OP. I despise all the bullshit corporate speech. Simultaneously wordy and insincere.

This website makes fun of that, it's literally called "Corporate BS generator":

Corporate B.S. Generator

 

[LegendOfKage]

 

[nush]

Here's another one on the same topic. Acronyms. Companies that make up their own acronyms and think that they are industry standard. So you'll be having a job interview and they keep talking in acronyms "Our internal procedure is that we raise an ECN" So I'm then treading water pretending I know what that stands for "Oh yes, that's standard practice for companies I've worked for too", while at the same time having to play a mental word game, three words, first one begins with "E".

Because you can't stop and ask what every acronym that comes out their mouth means because it will look like you don't know your stuff. When you get to work for those companies it's quick to work things out because internal documentation will spell it out for you.

 

[AJUMP23]

Who in their right mind would say they "like corporate speech"?

I love cooperate speech. Because behind it is what they really mean. Like "we are all one family" means "layoffs are coming".


I remember getting laid off and after the meeting I was walking around the office and one of the HR ladies was in an office crying. Saying how hard it was to lay people off. I looked at her and said what is tough about still having a job in a couple of weeks. That is really tough, to keep on getting paid. She was shocked, my buddy was laughing and I was just trying to give her some perspective. I wasn't appreciated for it.

 

[p_xavier]

I love cooperate speech. Because behind it is what they really mean. Like "we are all one family" means "layoffs are coming".


I remember getting laid off and after the meeting I was walking around the office and one of the HR ladies was in an office crying. Saying how hard it was to lay people off. I looked at her and said what is tough about still having a job in a couple of weeks. That is really tough, to keep on getting paid. She was shocked, my buddy was laughing and I was just trying to giver her some perspective. I wasn't appreciated for it.

"We are all one big family, but most families are dysfonctional and we don't want to see you ever again."

 

[It's all in the wrist]

You mean marketing?

 

[nush]

I love cooperate speech. Because behind it is what they really mean. Like "we are all one family" means "layoffs are coming".


I remember getting laid off and after the meeting I was walking around the office and one of the HR ladies was in an office crying. Saying how hard it was to lay people off. I looked at her and said what is tough about still having a job in a couple of weeks. That is really tough, to keep on getting paid. She was shocked, my buddy was laughing and I was just trying to giver her some perspective. I wasn't appreciated for it.

Those laid off people will be forgotten about in around a weeks time anyway.

 

[Rat Rage]

I loathe it.

 

[dr_octagon]

Corporate: Be yourself.
Employee: Behaves like normal human being.
Corporate: No, not like that.

 

[chromhound]

and someone is getting paid to write this mess lol

 

[Blade2.0]

and someone is getting paid to write this mess lol

Getting paid more than me to do the actual work.

 

[Majima Everywhere System]

Getting paid more than me to do the actual work.

It's true, I actually write this stuff for a living. Lovin my COEs.

To be honest I can't quite tell what John is up to here, but I can give him it's probably transformative for customers and employees. Probably implementation approaches that don't fuck it up this time.

 

[Nitty_Grimes]

Least we’re all on the same page here.

 

[DanteFox]

I work at a start up. Love my job, but the stuff about "how we're changing the world and saving lives" gets exhausting.

I love the startup job postings that are trying to spin working long hours for crap pay into a positive:

"We're looking for a rockstar engineer who's as passionate about our mission as we are. Someone who's looking to work in a fast paced environment that will constantly challenge them to deliver on tight schedules."

 

[Nitty_Grimes]

That a McDonald’s job ad?

 

[nush]

That a McDonald’s job ad?

A McDonalds job would have shorter hours and actual pay. Never work for startups.

 

[Cyberpunkd]

Who in their right mind would say they "like corporate speech"?

I am sorry you feel this way. Let’s grab 15 minutes together to make sure we align .

 

[nush]

I am sorry you feel this way. Let’s grab 15 minutes together to make sure we align .

We can mobile network in Starbucks.

 

[Cyberpunkd]

American Psycho was ahead of its time:

 

[Cyberpunkd]

We can mobile network in Starbucks.

(Replying to your Slack 3 hours later because hey - instant communication):

Sure, let me put a Zoom invite on your calendar during lunch time - you don’t mind, do you?

 

[Flutta]

No

 

[Mohonky]

Yeh, the whole 'power words' thing is such wank.

 

[Garibaldi]

I love the startup job postings that are trying to spin working long hours for crap pay into a positive:

"We're looking for a rockstar engineer who's as passionate about our mission as we are. Someone who's looking to work in a fast paced environment that will constantly challenge them to deliver on tight schedules."

We went through a period of calling our developer/engineering positions 'rockstars'. We build fucking financial software for goodness sake. So fucking tedious.

I've learnt over the years to just roll my eyes at most of the marketing bullshit and just come out and ask (if the bullshit merchant is speaking like this in person) what it actual is they mean and desire. If you want me and my team to deliver something, I need it in plain obvious English to plan correctly.

Ignore the stuff you can't directly challenge easily. Work is stressful enough don't get bogged down in bullshit.

Acronyms are my favourite though. Especially when they become so embedded no one actually prefaces anything with the actual phrase anymore and if you are new to the area you're left scratching your head, not actually taking in potentially required info after you hear it for the eighteenth time with no explanation. We have a RFG plan and we've been in the business segment for 18 months now after coming over from a different area. No one can tell me what the R, F, or G stands for anymore. I've been around all the leads and the program directors (or PDMs for short). Not one can tell me. FML.

 

[Chittagong]

In the last few years diversity and inclusion have been the buzz words to pepper every presentation with.

This year, equity is the new buzzword. I remember hearing a client explaining how they want ‘equity for marginalised and unprivileged groups’. I was thinking that cool, so they are handing out shares or options to minorities.

Turns out, corporate equity has nothing to do in having equity in the corporation.

 

[Cyberpunkd]

I've learnt over the years to just roll my eyes at most of the marketing bullshit and just come out and ask (if the bullshit merchant is speaking like this in person) what it actual is they mean and desire. If you want me and my team to deliver something, I need it in plain obvious English to plan correctly.

Working with companies I noticed the higher you go the more frank you become and prefer to do, not say. It's always the juniors that get bogged down in corporate BS.

 

[Tams]

I just can't stand the bullshit made up words people use or they try to elevate the speech when it isn't needed. Here is an example:

"Gaining an EDGE: Transforming the Sales and Service Experience
John Beauregard on how the EDGE Center of Excellence continues to streamline processes, making the experience better for employees and customers across the enterprise."

This is on my company's front page internal website right now. This paragraph literally says nothing. I hate it. Just say what you mean.

Bullshit Business Bingo is a thing for a reason.

Microsoft have been particularly bad with this shit recently. Even throwing some 'magics' in there, which makes me want to strangle kittens.

 

[OmegaSupreme]

We shouldn't have to work at all. Everything should be free.