Do you like reclining seats? Do you hate children?
Well,
we certainly do at Mandrake Air.
"Mandrake Air?" you ask, stupidly. "The airline that the US government literally declared war on?" Heh. It's true, we lost a lot of good men in what we refer to as the War of Landward Aggression, and what history books are apparently referring to as the "Atrocities of Lionel Mandrake." Which just doesn't have the same ring to it, but whatever, I guess it's just an honor to have a whole chapter.
But, Mandrake Air is back and better than ever, thanks to the preposterous incompetency of FAA paperwork. We found so many loopholes in our indictments we'll be in business until Judgment Day, which is hopefully a long ways off, because I am
screwed.
We've heard our customers, and what they've mostly been saying is, "Wait. What? No, I thought I bought tickets with Delta! No! Please God, no! Don't put me on the plane! Don't put me on the-..." and so on. But other than that, they've been talking about how annoying your stupid kids are.
Your kids. Specifically, by name. They also said they were ugly and smelled like oranges, yet not in a good way. Which I thought was weird. Oranges smell wonderful. But the customer is always right when it's convenient for the company. So starting this week, we have a new policy on Mandrake Air.
If your kid becomes an inconvenience to any of the other flyers or flight staff, we have a guy who stays in the under the floor compartment wearing a weird animal mask.
And if we give him the signal, he will climb out, take your baby and run off to the back of the plane where we have set up a small, dark room with a strobe light and loud backwards-playing dialogue from old Russian movies. Why? Honestly, we've had those rooms installed in the back of our planes for years and I, for the life of me, cannot remember why. So, this is as good an excuse as I've been able to come up with. But I think, over time, this will teach kids to be... better... at being kids.
"But Mandrake," you say, most unattractively, "I don't want to leave my kids alone in a dark, strobe light-filled room with some strange creep in a Halloween mask." Don't worry about it. Larry is a saint. We had to practically threaten the safety of his family to get him to do this. And by "practically," I mean "explicitly."
But you know what's great about planes? Reclining seats. Everyone loves 'em. The only problem is they don't recline enough. That's why we invented new Maxo-Reclining seats. You see, normally, these seats stop at just a few inches of recline.
What the fuck's even the point? With Maxo-Recline technology, nothing can stop your relaxation.
And you know what, I say that still isn't enough. That's why our experimental division is testing out Maxo-Recline 2.0. With the ultimate in reclining tech.
... Any accidents that occur will be your own fault. Your bodies shouldn't be that prone to snapping. Clearly you people aren't drinking enough milk.
