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Bill Simmons tackles "Remember The Titans"

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bishoptl

Banstick Emeritus
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/movies/rememberthetitans

Even if there was a 0.009% chance that "Titans" would reach the same hallowed ground as Hoosiers, it was worth the eight bucks to find out. You can guess what happened. After Titans ended, I stormed out of the theater and sucker-punched the nearest usher.
He might change his appearance or accent from movie to movie, but that's about it -- with the obvious exception of "Training Day" -- which makes him no different than Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Ben Stiller, Harrison Ford or anyone else. As long as they remain engaging and charismatic, we don't care what situation they're in. That's why the "Pelican Brief" always ropes me in -- I keep waiting for Julia and Denzel to scrap their characters halfway through the movie and start referring to each other by their real names. They should add an audio bonus feature on the "Pelican Brief" DVD where this actually happens.
You know a character isn't working when people are saying things in the theater like "I hope she gets run over by the team bus" and "Ten years from now, she'll be sleeping with every guy on the team to get back at her dad."
Maybe it isn't the worst ending in sports movie history, but it probably cracks the top-five. In case you blocked it out of your mind, here's what happens:

With 20 seconds left, the Titans are down by four without the ball. We know this because there's a TV crew broadcasting the game live. I'm sure this happened all the time with Virginia high school football in the early-'70s. Anyway, instead of taking a knee and just winning the game, the other team runs a play where the back breaks through the line, then runs straight ahead for the game-clinching TD, refusing to protect the ball or glance either way. As an added bonus, he's running straight ahead and looking goofier than Ashton Kutcher at the end of the "Butterfly Effect." Julius comes from behind and knocks the ball loose. Titans ball.

Now there's only time for one more play ... and the Titans are on their own 25. Thank God this is a movie. Denzel spreads the field and calls a double reverse with Sunshine the QB as the lead blocker, which works because the opposing coach decides not to call a prevent defense (he's the illegitimate brother of the coach from South Bend High). And the Titans get the miracle TD for the state championship. Again, a 75-yard double reverse as time expires.

For whatever reason, they forgot to have the paralyzed player climb out of his bed and hug the nurses while screaming "I can walk! I can walk!"
oboy
 

Bowser

Member
Hey, WTF are you guys doing bashing Bill Simmons? The ALMIGHTY Bill Simmons? You guys have got some nerve...:mad:
 

Fowler

Member
Disrespecting Simmons is simply not allowed. At all.

And Simmons NEEDS to tackle Shaolin Soccer as one of his movies. I feel very strongly about this. Everyone write in and get him to watch it!
 
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