Aizo
Banned
Update: Followed the advice in the thread and stopped talking to her. Thanks for reading.
I always think that it's such a mistake when I see people posting threads asking for advice, so I recognize this is likely a mistake. On one hand, it'll be good to get reactions from people who aren't going to go easy on me. On the other hand, because most of you don't know me, you'll make assumptions that could be false. Should be fun!
Unfortunately, this is a bit of a long story that can't just be tl;dr summarized. I think the nuances of the relationship I have with this girl are important, and cutting stuff leads to more misinterpretations. Bear with me. I want you all to get the full picture to properly judge. After the introduction to how we met, I'll try to speed it up.
So, last November, as soon as I entered the grocery store in my neighborhood in Japan, and I spotted this girl with bright red dyed hair. I thought, "Whoa, that's uncommon for a Japanese person. Is she foreign?" As I walked farther into the store, we made eye contact, and I looked away. Immediately, my heart started to beat faster. "Oh, shit. She's cute. This is bad." I am very rarely attracted to other people, so this was a surprise. I attempted to just continue my shopping, but she kept coming down the same aisles as me. As I went towards the register, I thought, "My friends have been telling me that I should just talk to girls when I'm out. It's not really my style, but I've been single for a few months. Eh, what have I got to lose? I'd kick myself if I don't at least talk to her." So, after I checked out at the register, I went up to her. Luckily, she was in the middle of my path out of the shop. I waved, and she took off her headphones. "Excuse me, do you speak English?" She says "Yes," with a tint of an accent I couldn't place (she turned out to be Russian). I said, "I hope I'm not bothering you, but I thought I'd regret leaving without talking to you." She smiled, and I asked her for her number. She added me on LINE, an app popular for messaging in Japan. I said thank you, smiled, and told her I'd talk to her soon. I messaged her soon after saying "I'm sorry if I seemed nervous, but I don't really ever talk to strangers." She replied minutes later "Well, I don't usually give out my number in those situations
"
I asked her out the next week, and she said she wanted to join me. Obviously, it could be a bit vague whether or not this was just hanging out or a date, but due to the circumstances of how we met, it sure seemed like a date to me. We went to dinner, and I paid to make it a bit more obvious that it was a date. I showed her a beautiful spot by a river in our neighborhood that she didn't know about, and we talked a lot. I like her even more when I learn she's going to a music school in Tokyo, which has been a dream of mine. I'd never met a foreigner who had done it. I start to admire her for her ambition. I walked her home. Nothing explicitly romantic happened, but it still seemed like a successful date!
We continued messaging each other, but due to her schedule, she was unable to meet. I thought, "Well, I can take a hint. I guess the date didn't go so well. I'll back off." She kept messaging me, though, despite my aims to kill the conversation. She says she wants to hang out, but every time I offer a plan, she turns it down due to being too busy. Once, she bails on a plan after I was already at the meeting spot. Several weeks later, before Christmas, I told her that I wanted to take her on a date (although honestly, she seemed like too much trouble, so I kinda just wanted to clear the air and didn't care whether she wanted to go out or not). She told me that she wasn't looking to date anyone right now (why would you spend a romantic night with a stranger, then?). I was relieved. "I'm just glad I know now, but I hope we can still be friends!" Again, I take a few steps back to give her some space.
She continues messaging me, despite my lack of initiating conversations.
From here on, I am not attempting to date this girl.
Maybe a month or so passes. One night, she messages me about how she has very few close friends. I feel for her, and I think "She seems torn up about this. Maybe I could be a close friend. We do get along really well, after all." She says she wants me to show her around my favorite neighborhood in Tokyo, because she's going to music school, and said area is famous for its music scene. I oblige. We have fun just walking around the area, and I make her laugh a ton. She seems like she had a really good night. Again, I walk her home.
After this, it's a few more weeks of hearing she wants to hang out, but she always turns down ideas due to her schedule and never offers alternative times. She's very flaky. At this point, I still kinda feel like she's not really interested in hanging out with me, because of how long she takes to message me back (often up to a week for a simple response). I recognize many people just aren't good with keeping in touch, but she always says "I'm sorry I took so long, but I've been really busy." I accept that, but it's also obvious to me that I'm not a priorityand this is understandable.
For Valentine's Day, I sometimes give friends gifts (and it's pretty common in Japan). I ask if she can meet up after I get off work so I can give her something. She meets me in front of the grocery where we first met. I give her a comic she wanted to read that's about bands trying to make it, as well as a candy I know she likes with packaging in her favorite color. I say goodnight. My heart beats quickly on my bike ride home. I still have residual feelings for her, but I have zero interest in dating. I never flirt or act like I like her, although she can surely tell.
Once again, I try to back off. I start sending shorter responses and replying less often. A few weeks go by, and she invites me to a performance for her music school. She is training to be a professional singer. I spend the 2500 yen at the venue just to see her perform, which I'm not exactly happy about, but I want to be supportive. I arrive about 20 mins before she goes on. She sees me and waves. I walk over to her, and she tells me she can't talk until after she performs. I see her sing for the first time, and I'm moved. Her voice is incredible. After she performs, she talks to me for a few mins before saying she should go talk to the other students performing that same day. She says she'll come back over. She doesn't introduce me to any of her friends, which I found odd. I'm standing there for about 30 mins, alone, just watching these people perform whom I don't care about, waiting just to talk to her again before leaving. She eventually comes back over, tells me that bands I might like will be playing in like 30 more minutes. I tell her that I actually just came to see her perform. She gets shy. I tell her that I'll be leaving soon, and she's surprised. I know we can't hang out after, because the event will go until late, and she'll go to an after-party. She says, "Ah--" and cuts herself short, "ah--I'll walk you out." I think, "Okay... does she have something she wants to say away from everyone else?" She walks me out, thanks me for coming, and then she looks like she's trying to think of what to say next. "I'm--glad you came," she eventually manages to say. I smile and wave goodbye.
I don't see her again until a dinner several weeks later in which I meet with her to ask her questions about her music school. I'm wanting to attend for a different major there. She's in a bad mood due to something with her parents. She doesn't walk to talk about it much. Turns out that I'll miss the enrollment period because of my job contract ending too late. My future plans become very uncertain. I feel pretty down. She isn't receptive, because of what she's dealing with. I try to make her feel better. I make her laugh. We walk back home most of the way together, and I tell her I hope things work out. She stops messaging me.
The last time I saw her was on my way home from work. I stopped and waved as she passed me on the sidewalk. She waved back without saying anything and continued to walk away and talk to the friend she was with.
It's been about a month and a half without hearing from her. We get along really well, and we both love music a lot. I really enjoy spending time with her, but she's just not putting in much effort to maintain a friendship. I maybe understand why she doesn't really have many close friends. I just messaged her for the first time since March asking how she's doing. I probably should've just given up and left her alone, huh?
edit: She replied quicker than maybe she ever has before. "Hi, (redacted)!! I was planning to message you yesterday, but fell asleep before I could manage that How are you?? Decided on your future plans already? I'm doing well, thank you "
Don't know what to make of that. Strange she claims she was, coincidentally, after almost two months of silence, going to message me last night. Keep in mind we have never gone more than a week without talking the whole time we've known each other before this.
Edit 2: Asked her if I maybe did something that bothered her last time since we haven't talked in so long.
"No no no, don't even worry I just had a kind of existential crisis...and was still busy with school, which was of no help heh. But I guess it's become better now.
I bet you're anxious! Hope it will be fine, though. So you're moving to (redacted)?"
Edit 3: Yes, I have residual feelings nagging at the back of my head. Do I want to sleep with her or date her, though? No. Still, I'm fooling myself trying to be friends with her when, despite legitimately not wanting a relationship because she obviously would drive me crazy, there is an attraction. I followed the advice of many: I stopped replying and removed the conversation. I won't respond unless she asks why, in which case I'll be brief but direct. I cannot be friends with her. I'm not being fair to myself or her. Thank you for the responses.
I always think that it's such a mistake when I see people posting threads asking for advice, so I recognize this is likely a mistake. On one hand, it'll be good to get reactions from people who aren't going to go easy on me. On the other hand, because most of you don't know me, you'll make assumptions that could be false. Should be fun!
Unfortunately, this is a bit of a long story that can't just be tl;dr summarized. I think the nuances of the relationship I have with this girl are important, and cutting stuff leads to more misinterpretations. Bear with me. I want you all to get the full picture to properly judge. After the introduction to how we met, I'll try to speed it up.
So, last November, as soon as I entered the grocery store in my neighborhood in Japan, and I spotted this girl with bright red dyed hair. I thought, "Whoa, that's uncommon for a Japanese person. Is she foreign?" As I walked farther into the store, we made eye contact, and I looked away. Immediately, my heart started to beat faster. "Oh, shit. She's cute. This is bad." I am very rarely attracted to other people, so this was a surprise. I attempted to just continue my shopping, but she kept coming down the same aisles as me. As I went towards the register, I thought, "My friends have been telling me that I should just talk to girls when I'm out. It's not really my style, but I've been single for a few months. Eh, what have I got to lose? I'd kick myself if I don't at least talk to her." So, after I checked out at the register, I went up to her. Luckily, she was in the middle of my path out of the shop. I waved, and she took off her headphones. "Excuse me, do you speak English?" She says "Yes," with a tint of an accent I couldn't place (she turned out to be Russian). I said, "I hope I'm not bothering you, but I thought I'd regret leaving without talking to you." She smiled, and I asked her for her number. She added me on LINE, an app popular for messaging in Japan. I said thank you, smiled, and told her I'd talk to her soon. I messaged her soon after saying "I'm sorry if I seemed nervous, but I don't really ever talk to strangers." She replied minutes later "Well, I don't usually give out my number in those situations
"I asked her out the next week, and she said she wanted to join me. Obviously, it could be a bit vague whether or not this was just hanging out or a date, but due to the circumstances of how we met, it sure seemed like a date to me. We went to dinner, and I paid to make it a bit more obvious that it was a date. I showed her a beautiful spot by a river in our neighborhood that she didn't know about, and we talked a lot. I like her even more when I learn she's going to a music school in Tokyo, which has been a dream of mine. I'd never met a foreigner who had done it. I start to admire her for her ambition. I walked her home. Nothing explicitly romantic happened, but it still seemed like a successful date!
We continued messaging each other, but due to her schedule, she was unable to meet. I thought, "Well, I can take a hint. I guess the date didn't go so well. I'll back off." She kept messaging me, though, despite my aims to kill the conversation. She says she wants to hang out, but every time I offer a plan, she turns it down due to being too busy. Once, she bails on a plan after I was already at the meeting spot. Several weeks later, before Christmas, I told her that I wanted to take her on a date (although honestly, she seemed like too much trouble, so I kinda just wanted to clear the air and didn't care whether she wanted to go out or not). She told me that she wasn't looking to date anyone right now (why would you spend a romantic night with a stranger, then?). I was relieved. "I'm just glad I know now, but I hope we can still be friends!" Again, I take a few steps back to give her some space.
She continues messaging me, despite my lack of initiating conversations.
From here on, I am not attempting to date this girl.
Maybe a month or so passes. One night, she messages me about how she has very few close friends. I feel for her, and I think "She seems torn up about this. Maybe I could be a close friend. We do get along really well, after all." She says she wants me to show her around my favorite neighborhood in Tokyo, because she's going to music school, and said area is famous for its music scene. I oblige. We have fun just walking around the area, and I make her laugh a ton. She seems like she had a really good night. Again, I walk her home.
After this, it's a few more weeks of hearing she wants to hang out, but she always turns down ideas due to her schedule and never offers alternative times. She's very flaky. At this point, I still kinda feel like she's not really interested in hanging out with me, because of how long she takes to message me back (often up to a week for a simple response). I recognize many people just aren't good with keeping in touch, but she always says "I'm sorry I took so long, but I've been really busy." I accept that, but it's also obvious to me that I'm not a priorityand this is understandable.
For Valentine's Day, I sometimes give friends gifts (and it's pretty common in Japan). I ask if she can meet up after I get off work so I can give her something. She meets me in front of the grocery where we first met. I give her a comic she wanted to read that's about bands trying to make it, as well as a candy I know she likes with packaging in her favorite color. I say goodnight. My heart beats quickly on my bike ride home. I still have residual feelings for her, but I have zero interest in dating. I never flirt or act like I like her, although she can surely tell.
Once again, I try to back off. I start sending shorter responses and replying less often. A few weeks go by, and she invites me to a performance for her music school. She is training to be a professional singer. I spend the 2500 yen at the venue just to see her perform, which I'm not exactly happy about, but I want to be supportive. I arrive about 20 mins before she goes on. She sees me and waves. I walk over to her, and she tells me she can't talk until after she performs. I see her sing for the first time, and I'm moved. Her voice is incredible. After she performs, she talks to me for a few mins before saying she should go talk to the other students performing that same day. She says she'll come back over. She doesn't introduce me to any of her friends, which I found odd. I'm standing there for about 30 mins, alone, just watching these people perform whom I don't care about, waiting just to talk to her again before leaving. She eventually comes back over, tells me that bands I might like will be playing in like 30 more minutes. I tell her that I actually just came to see her perform. She gets shy. I tell her that I'll be leaving soon, and she's surprised. I know we can't hang out after, because the event will go until late, and she'll go to an after-party. She says, "Ah--" and cuts herself short, "ah--I'll walk you out." I think, "Okay... does she have something she wants to say away from everyone else?" She walks me out, thanks me for coming, and then she looks like she's trying to think of what to say next. "I'm--glad you came," she eventually manages to say. I smile and wave goodbye.
I don't see her again until a dinner several weeks later in which I meet with her to ask her questions about her music school. I'm wanting to attend for a different major there. She's in a bad mood due to something with her parents. She doesn't walk to talk about it much. Turns out that I'll miss the enrollment period because of my job contract ending too late. My future plans become very uncertain. I feel pretty down. She isn't receptive, because of what she's dealing with. I try to make her feel better. I make her laugh. We walk back home most of the way together, and I tell her I hope things work out. She stops messaging me.
The last time I saw her was on my way home from work. I stopped and waved as she passed me on the sidewalk. She waved back without saying anything and continued to walk away and talk to the friend she was with.
It's been about a month and a half without hearing from her. We get along really well, and we both love music a lot. I really enjoy spending time with her, but she's just not putting in much effort to maintain a friendship. I maybe understand why she doesn't really have many close friends. I just messaged her for the first time since March asking how she's doing. I probably should've just given up and left her alone, huh?
edit: She replied quicker than maybe she ever has before. "Hi, (redacted)!! I was planning to message you yesterday, but fell asleep before I could manage that
How are you?? Decided on your future plans already? I'm doing well, thank you "Don't know what to make of that. Strange she claims she was, coincidentally, after almost two months of silence, going to message me last night. Keep in mind we have never gone more than a week without talking the whole time we've known each other before this.
Edit 2: Asked her if I maybe did something that bothered her last time since we haven't talked in so long.
"No no no, don't even worry
I just had a kind of existential crisis...and was still busy with school, which was of no help heh. But I guess it's become better now.I bet you're anxious! Hope it will be fine, though.
So you're moving to (redacted)?"Edit 3: Yes, I have residual feelings nagging at the back of my head. Do I want to sleep with her or date her, though? No. Still, I'm fooling myself trying to be friends with her when, despite legitimately not wanting a relationship because she obviously would drive me crazy, there is an attraction. I followed the advice of many: I stopped replying and removed the conversation. I won't respond unless she asks why, in which case I'll be brief but direct. I cannot be friends with her. I'm not being fair to myself or her. Thank you for the responses.
