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Can't tell if this girl wants to be friends or if she wants me to leave her alone
- Thread starter Aizo
- Start date
Hoho for breakfast
Member
I'd agree with this. If she doesn't put in any effort why would you? If she is actually interested she'll let you know. Otherwise just move along.
Aizo
Banned
This had been my tag for several years.
Clockwork
Member
Am I the only one that hates this term? Are we going to talk about "nice guys" next?
The Omega Man
Member
Forgive me is this sounds condescending, it's not, how old are you? and this girl as well (or at least what age do you think she is)
Lol you seem to have a good attitude towards your situation. Youre right though, this is not even friend zone. Just move on from the relationship. If she messages you one day be friendly but just try to forget about her otherwise
Messofanego
Banned
Oh damn
Aizo fallen for her hard and expects a bit more attention than what a "friend" would give him. He friendzones himself but for some reason can't seem to completely cut it off.
OP, who are you fooling that you want to stay as friends? Friends don't expect all this messaging back and forth. She's lonely, that's all. As soon as she replies weeks or months later, you jump right back in instead of ignoring her and cutting it off. I don't see anywhere where you straight up ask her what does she think of you, as a friend and nothing else? Who needs a flaky "friend" like her who can't commit to plans, anyway? Why don't you find someone else you can be actually romantically involved with?
Aizo
Banned
She's 24 and I'm 25. Not condescending at all... yet?
It sounds like she enjoyed the idea of the going on a date with you when you first approached her (possibly due to the romanticism behind meeting a stranger in a foreign land when not seeking it out) but then didn't like the date. It sounds like she kind of strung you along because she's lonely and doesn't have many close friends. Can't say for sure if her being flaky is a result of a personality trait of hers or due to the situation.
Ultimately, if you're at the point where you're dwelling on it so much that you made a thread, you should cut her out of your life. From the information here, it looks like you two are very unlikely to date. If you don't want to cut her out completely, just put a minimal amount of energy into maintaining your friendship with her, so you're at the point where you both talk, possibly hangout whenever you're both free or lonely and bored, but you're at a point where you don't second guess her actions or have your heart race due to her.
lol
Ultimately, if you're at the point where you're dwelling on it so much that you made a thread, you should cut her out of your life. From the information here, it looks like you two are very unlikely to date. If you don't want to cut her out completely, just put a minimal amount of energy into maintaining your friendship with her, so you're at the point where you both talk, possibly hangout whenever you're both free or lonely and bored, but you're at a point where you don't second guess her actions or have your heart race due to her.
lol
She gives far less of a fuck about you than you do about her and has done since day one.
You're an IM acquaintance to her, someone she can maybe ping with a message when she's bored, anything more than that is a bother.
Unless you can achieve give-a-fuck equilibrium (and that means stop thinking of her as a friend, and start thinking of her as someone you know) this is always going to be a one-sided "relationship".
You're an IM acquaintance to her, someone she can maybe ping with a message when she's bored, anything more than that is a bother.
Unless you can achieve give-a-fuck equilibrium (and that means stop thinking of her as a friend, and start thinking of her as someone you know) this is always going to be a one-sided "relationship".
RichiRamjag
Member
You're taking it too literally. Friend zone doesn't always mean a close friend tbh. In my experience, it just means that someone keeps you as a casual acquaintance or at arms length because they're not interested and too nice to just say so.
shawnbuddy
Member
Ya got ghosted. There's no benefit to trying to figure out why. That's more definitively over than I usually get. I think the women I've dated have enjoyed making it as confusing as possible.
To me "Friend zone" just means the guy is oblivious to the girl not having any interest romantically what so ever.
Messofanego
Banned
Cuz shes hot obv
You claim you don't want to date but you obviously want something more.
She's obviously lonely but she doesn't want you in that sense.
All the signs are there that she's not interested, and while you continue to claim that you don't want to date her, you talk about "romantic evenings" and "valentine's day".
Either you re-adjust your expectations or delete her number and move on.
I have very close female friends that I don't talk to, or message in months, because we each have our own lives and have no interest in pursuing something more.
She's obviously lonely but she doesn't want you in that sense.
All the signs are there that she's not interested, and while you continue to claim that you don't want to date her, you talk about "romantic evenings" and "valentine's day".
Either you re-adjust your expectations or delete her number and move on.
I have very close female friends that I don't talk to, or message in months, because we each have our own lives and have no interest in pursuing something more.
crimzonflame
Member
You wasted almost a year's worth of your time. Did you date anyone else during this time? I bet you she did. Stop wasting your time.
Hero_of_the_Day
Member
And makes it pretty impossible for me to believe OP doesn't have romantic feelings for this person. Granted, I don't know that I believe anyone who says they just want to be friends. If you really just wanted to be friends, this wouldn't be such a big thing.
hey_monkey
Banned
Here's my lukewarm take: she's busy with school and maybe not a great communicator. I'm gonna guess maybe you're not a great communicator either. When people are really busy with work/school/etc., sometimes there'll be periods when they talk a lot and sometimes when they don't. Electronic communication makes this easier but it also becomes another task and one that can distract from other things. If we're gonna game this, then we gotta consider that it changes the game.
But I'd say check your own motives, too. If you just wanna be friends at this point, why is it such a big deal? Message her when something pops into your head that she'd like. "Hey, saw this and thought of you." Maybe it leads to a conversation. Maybe it doesn't. But friendships are malleable and if they're gonna last, you gotta roll with how things are. At this point, with the way things have developed, trying to lay it all out might come off as really passive aggressive, so unless you guys meet up face to face again for a lunch or something, I'd just let it be what it is.
But I'd say check your own motives, too. If you just wanna be friends at this point, why is it such a big deal? Message her when something pops into your head that she'd like. "Hey, saw this and thought of you." Maybe it leads to a conversation. Maybe it doesn't. But friendships are malleable and if they're gonna last, you gotta roll with how things are. At this point, with the way things have developed, trying to lay it all out might come off as really passive aggressive, so unless you guys meet up face to face again for a lunch or something, I'd just let it be what it is.
Aizo
Banned
I was hoping you'd respond in here. I always appreciate your posts.
Honestly, I have a long history of putting up with tons of bullshit with friends. I recognize that this is one in which I have some feelings from before likely clouding my judgement, but I have many past friendships with men and women where my other friends are like "Why do you care after all the shit they've done to you?!" I suppose I have too high of expectations and care too much about people. I tend to give limitless chances.
You are right, though.
Reckheim
Member
Honestly OP, takes this advice and don't waste your time any longer.
Straight Edge
Member
If this was a dude you would have put 99% less effort into this. But you just want to be friends right?
The Omega Man
Member
OK you are both grown-ups, She might be in that sort of situation like in the Whiplash movie where the guy didn't want any relationship distracting him from music.
Let it go, it wasn't meant to be.
I am getting "nice guy' vibes from this
I think you're not being true to yourself that you just want to be friends, at the very least you want her to be a very close friend.
Subconsciously you're seeking interactions with her because that's what energize you. You seem to crave it.
Even after you know you're not her top priority and that she doesn't want to date you.
From what you wrote, she seems to only want you as a friend, afterall she feels lonely in a foreign land. But these circumstances can change quickly as day progress when she meet new folks so interactions with you will gradually decline from the initial rush. That's common.
Tldr: The constant asking her to hang out is a little intimidating to her when she don't feel the same way to you. But nonetheless, at that time, she is receptive of your company as friend.
I'll advise you to move on. Keep her as a friend should she initiate with contact you if you like but your torch for her is going nowhere.
Subconsciously you're seeking interactions with her because that's what energize you. You seem to crave it.
Even after you know you're not her top priority and that she doesn't want to date you.
From what you wrote, she seems to only want you as a friend, afterall she feels lonely in a foreign land. But these circumstances can change quickly as day progress when she meet new folks so interactions with you will gradually decline from the initial rush. That's common.
Tldr: The constant asking her to hang out is a little intimidating to her when she don't feel the same way to you. But nonetheless, at that time, she is receptive of your company as friend.
I'll advise you to move on. Keep her as a friend should she initiate with contact you if you like but your torch for her is going nowhere.
John Kowalski
Banned
I think she wants to be a friend but is not very good at making friends.
Sorry for not going hard on you. I assumed the best though!
Sorry for not going hard on you. I assumed the best though!
RichiRamjag
Member
That makes sense for old friends, but none at all for someone you've barely known. It really comes across like you have other ideas than friendship and won't admit it to yourself. It's very obvious in your posting though.
Aizo
Banned
Right after I finished writing up my response to you :/ dang, man.
I don't mean "Hey, I'm such a nice dude! Side with me in this thread!" I'm asking for people to not leap to conclusions like I see in many threads. People already have. "You're shy, you don't love music, etc." People are deciding who I am to suit their perspective rather than taking what I say at face value.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Your story started out very cringeworthy, but it turns out you were actually trying to be a good friend.
I know several people like this, and sadly most of them are women. You can't depend on them, you can't make plans with them, you can't figure out their pattern of communication or social interactivity. They don't have a lot of friends because they're unreliable, insincere, and nearly incapable of being completely selfless in social interactions.
They're users. Don't be used.
Edit: Almost forgot the most useful pro-tip - if someone says "they aren't looking for a relationship right now", it literally means, "I'm not looking for a relationship with you." Whether that means she's open to more casual hooking up depends on situation to situation, but she doesn't want to be your gf if she says that, no matter when her schedule frees up.
I know several people like this, and sadly most of them are women. You can't depend on them, you can't make plans with them, you can't figure out their pattern of communication or social interactivity. They don't have a lot of friends because they're unreliable, insincere, and nearly incapable of being completely selfless in social interactions.
In rare instances they might actually have social anxiety.
They're users. Don't be used.
Edit: Almost forgot the most useful pro-tip - if someone says "they aren't looking for a relationship right now", it literally means, "I'm not looking for a relationship with you." Whether that means she's open to more casual hooking up depends on situation to situation, but she doesn't want to be your gf if she says that, no matter when her schedule frees up.
Rktk
Member
Yeah why are you lying to GAF? You don't just want to be friends, you need to get over her, and you will.
You should have deleted her number shortly after the first time she cancelled plans when you were already at the meeting spot. If that wasn't followed by a profuse apology with concrete make-up plans, that should have been the end.
She doesn't sound mature enough for a serious relationship (or she just doesn't know how to express she's not interested without being cruel).
Either way, you got better things to do.
She doesn't sound mature enough for a serious relationship (or she just doesn't know how to express she's not interested without being cruel).
Either way, you got better things to do.
Messofanego
Banned
Your time is finite though, and this is energy consuming. You've got to have some standards and limits. I have my best friend who I just talk to about games with, architecture, Korean stuff, but I'm not expecting that much from him when it comes to messaging or calling. Cause as others have said, we have our own lives and families to interact with.
As a famous black woman said,
She wants you to leave her alone.
She's not interested in fucking. She might say hi and become lonely enough to chat with you and stuff, but that will quickly go away and she won't respond anymore. Until she's lonely enough again
She's not a bad person or anything, she just isn't into you in any way. Leave it alone and don't waste time on her. Be friendly, but don't let her waste your time.
She's not interested in fucking. She might say hi and become lonely enough to chat with you and stuff, but that will quickly go away and she won't respond anymore. Until she's lonely enough again
She's not a bad person or anything, she just isn't into you in any way. Leave it alone and don't waste time on her. Be friendly, but don't let her waste your time.
sturgboski
Member
Yeah I'd echo this. I have a friend and I am in the same thing with them: sometimes chat via text, sometimes go out together. I like spending time with them and chatting with then and occasionally get the flutter thing but I accept that this is what it is. The "not mattering" thing is harsh, but true and realizing that did help me a bit on views and interactions with people (or maybe age? We met a few years back).
I expect to get mocked now too but honestly I'm in the equilibrium state. When we go out or chat it's cool and something different to do but I'm not sitting here pining and being eaten up inside when I don't hear back...except when I'm chasing up on something but then it's frustration.
Waluigilicious
Member
Best post.
Amory
Member
The short answer is it's rare that someone who's interested in being friends or in a relationship with you will leave you wondering whether they're interested.
You'll be able to tell if they're interested. If you can't tell, they probably aren't and just don't have the balls to say that to you.
You'll be able to tell if they're interested. If you can't tell, they probably aren't and just don't have the balls to say that to you.
shawnbuddy
Member
In these threads there's always some kind of assumption that women can't perceive a guy's intentions. Like your poker face is perfect. I'd be willing to bet that she was well aware of what you were thinking the entire time. She knows what a date is, she was aware when she went along with you that at least you thought you were on a date. The fact that she did not pick up that ball and run with it tells you everything you need to know.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
This is a textbook situation though. He likes her more than she likes him. And it's making his emotional discomfort over her being a shitty friend even worse, because he's deep down hoping for something more.
The best thing to do in situations like this is to always cut the cord.
Insincere people enjoy plausible deniability. So until you explicitly state your intentions, they can pretend they were completely oblivious.
hey_monkey
Banned
I agree with this - this should have happened at some point, or should at some future point, though I've never understood GAF's aggressive response to "flakiness" (in the part I snipped), but that's neither here nor there. I ended up married to someone I talked to off and on (like years off) for a decade so I'm biased, I guess. Regardless:
At some point, yeah, a straightforward "so like... do you wanna be friends or are you just busy or what?" would be good, but without some reason to ask (like more canceled plans or something) it's gonna come off as aggressive. In the end, though, straightforward communication often serves best.
LegendofDragoonLives
Member
I literally cannot grasp how people are this way. How the fuck do you become friends with a person you are clearly into that isn't into you? I don't even know how to relate. In those cases, the only thing I can tell you is whenever this happens, you say thanks but I have enough friends. I want to do date, and if you don't we're not gonna talk anymore. If you feel differently in the future, text it. That's it. Otherwise, you get into this weird, awkward future path that.. well shit, basically what happened to you.
You're a hopeless romantic amig, which is sweet but can also end in embarrassing set of events. Even if you are ok with being friends with her, which is a bullshit lie you say to yourself, this isn't working out. You're hoping she will magically just start liking and tell you she's into you. Lets pretend for a hot second that you are ok with being friends (again, lies). She's a shitty friend. Like straight up garbage. Not receptive to your problems at all, but she loves listing her problems and you making her feel better and make her laugh. She basically uses you whenever she's got issues and fucks off when you've outgrown your usefulness (make her feel good when she's having a shit day). Next time she texts you, don't respond to her for a few days. Then text her you're not interested in talking to her again since you're into her and don't want to be friends. She's a pretty shit friend, so you're not losing anything on that end.
good luck
If you're okay with it not going into a romantic affair and want to keep putting up with the flakiness and want to be friends, stay with it. She sounds lonely especially if she away from home and doesn't want any ties there. Odds are you're not the only one she's in contact with and when there is a lull in other friendships/relationships she's reaching out for you. From what you wrote, she appears harmless – it comes down to how much you want to put up with - otherwise let her go
Amory
Member
Na, 2nd date. When I was in the dating scene I rarely went for a kiss on the first date unless it had gone really, really well. Some people don't want to kiss on the first date even if they had a great time and there's something there. Better to just wait until the next time, unless it's a sure thing
Sho_Nuff82
Member
All the power to you and your significant other. For most people, investing significant time into people who do not value their time is a waste of time. I'll continue giving the "Brad Pitt rule" advice to all of my male and female friends so they avoid falling into traps of chasing people who don't want to be caught.
Aizo
Banned
Thanks, man. Always enjoy your thoughtful posts.
And for sure, when she was like "I'm not looking to date anyone," I was like in my head, "Yo, anyone means me specifically hahaha."
Ash Sparrow
Banned
I actually think this may be the rare case where the girl is busy and figuring out some stuff. I say play the waiting game, but don't wait, meet other people in the meantime.
hey_monkey
Banned
But my point is that it doesn't have to be significant time. That's the choice. Yeah, if someone doesn't seem at all interested, stop trying to make plans. Don't chase them. But that doesn't mean you have to cut off all contact. Message every now and then, if you like them (as a friend or more or whatever). I don't mean like an empty "hey," but if you see a story or a picture or a song or something, send it. And then just let it be whatever it is.
If you can't do that, if you gotta chase it and it's clearly not welcomed, then cut off all contact, sure. But there's middle ground here. It's not a zero-sum game.
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