Support NeoGAF

[John Kowalski]

We can be friends to even it back out. Thanks for your kind posts.

Thanks i try

 

[shawnbuddy]

Let it go man. When women are actually interested in either friendships or relationships, it is just as obvious as it is with men. If this was a dude, you would have already realized what is happening.

If you like her that much, do not cut her out of your life, but let her fully define the terms of the relationship.

This is an explanation, from a woman's perspective, in song form, that helped me understand this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilOx2Jmm1r4

 

[always crazy bacon]

I always think that it's such a mistake when I see people posting threads asking for advice, so I recognize this is likely a mistake. On one hand, it'll be good to get reactions from people who aren't going to go easy on me. On the other hand, because most of you don't know me, you'll make assumptions that could be false. Please attempt to assume the best of me.

Neogaf + topic title+Japanese text in tag+huge wall of text. The answer is no BTW even before I read past the quouted.

This triggered my confirmation bias so hard it has to be a parody right? I'm waiting around for a Mandrake summary or Sunhii gif sometime in a few hours.

 

[KoopaTheCasual]

Oh, that's rubbish!

"Oh, shit. She's cute. This is bad"

Heart beating faster? Come on mate...

I'm not saying you wanted to ravage her there, but you were obviously more interested in more than just being pals from the sounds of it.

This, honestly. No one here is saying you're a horn dog, or only trying to get into her pants.

You probably do just wanna be her friend consciously, but things like heart-rate picking up and sacrificing time and money to be around her are DEAD give-aways that you're subconsciously still into her. No amount of consciously telling yourself, "no, I don't do that." is going to change things.

As someone else has asked, have you dated anyone else in this time since meeting her? Seems like she's the only girl on your mind for a very long time. Guarantee meeting someone new will drastically change your perspective on this situation.

 

[LordCiego]

Your situation reminds me a lot of the trouble I'm having with a long time friend these days. We'll call him Friend A. Friend A has been a part of my life since I was nine. We've kept in touch between changing schools, going to different colleges, and generally living a good 45 minutes away from each other.

Within the past year he finished his second attempt at college and got a job. He got a girlfriend and has a slew of friends I've never been invited to meet. In fact I only met his extended group of friends that he knows both from work and his roommates because his girlfriend invited me to a surprise Birthday party, which she had to sneak my number from his phone because he made a Facebook account, years after I told him he really should make one for work purposes, and never ever added me. Yet all his other friends are on there.

Couple all that with him texting or calling me less to hang out, his interests changing a bit, or him failing to respond to text messages for sometimes weeks at a time it'd sound like he's blowing me off. But we've talked about it, I've even given him "outs" out of the friendship and he hasn't taken them. Heck he even made an effort to try and hang out more for a few months before things went south with his girlfriend and her physical condition (short story: she gave herself a concussion) The reason I bring my situation up is I think my Friend A and your friend have something in common: They are bad at managing their social lives.

The way you talk about her it's clear she does want to be friends and remain in touch, but she doesn't know how to juggle your presence and everyone else she deals with in her life. If I had to guess she's probably a lot like my Friend A: People she goes to school with or lives with take priority in the social ladder as she sees them all the time in the normal day to day. It's easier to make plans face to face, get invited to parties or outings, or just hang out as she's guaranteed to see the more frequently. Then there's you. You exist outside her normal social sphere and she hasn't figured out how to work you into that.

Her inviting you to that concert to hear her perform is a clear indication she does care about you as a friend, but yeah her reaction to introducing you was one of "how the fuck do I do this?" Misread this part, but the way she reacted to you leaving definitely seemed one of disappointment.

So you're in a similar position to me, where you'll need to decide if this sort of lukewarm, sitting on the outside of her social circle friendship is okay with you, where you're basically a second fiddle in some ways, or whether that's not something you really want out of the friendship.

I think this is the same situation as OP. Not all people are well socially equipped to deal with some situations, The concert situation is the clear giveaway for me too, wanted to b in nice terms with you and with her friends, and being nervous she didnt think of presenting them or how to do it.

Just treat her as a long distance friend, be happy when you see her or ar able to meet her but expect to be a lot of time without seeing her and dont put that against her.

 

[hydrophilic attack]

You're a musician and a Western (I think?) guy in Asia

Hop on tinder and swipe for 30 minutes. You should get 20+ matches of which at least five would want to go on a date ASAP

Use something a bit more sleazy like Badoo, and you would probably get laid within a day or two, assuming your standards are not unrealistic. (Speaking from own experience.)

 

[Herr Schwarz]

Hey, it's the truth.

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/20...n-almost-half-young-men-women-virgins-survey/

Sure, I'm just imagining getting off the plane at haneda and being greeted by a throng of sex starved young women.

 

[BadAss2961]

I don't do hookups anymore, and the way she treats a friendship was an early sign that a relationship with her would be a failure. I don't want to date her, and I don't want just sex without a connection, because that's not an interest of mine. I have residual feelings for her, but sincerely, I did want to be just friends with her more than anything else. I recognize that's weird considering the circumstances, but the music connection was a huge part of that. Having a friend who is following the dream that I have really made me look up to her and admire her in a way unrelated to romance.

Was drawn in by her looks, paid for dinner. Gives Valentine's Day gifts. Spends more money to stan at musical performance. Posts long thread on neogaf, just wanted to be friends.

 

[Shamrock7r]

Although deep down I wish she had returned my feelings, I can say with certainty that I neither want to date her nor have sex with her. I don't do hookups, and friends with benefits with this girl would be a disaster. No thanks.

Keep in mind for the future that not everyone just wants to have sex with someone as their key motivation for wanting their company.

I said she was cute. I wanted to talk to her--to get to know her. I didn't even know whether we would get along, so sex with her was not even a logical jump.

I don't do hookups anymore, and the way she treats a friendship was an early sign that a relationship with her would be a failure. I don't want to date her, and I don't want just sex without a connection, because that's not an interest of mine. I have residual feelings for her, but sincerely, I did want to be just friends with her more than anything else. I recognize that's weird considering the circumstances, but the music connection was a huge part of that. Having a friend who is following the dream that I have really made me look up to her and admire her in a way unrelated to romance.

I'm glad that you have seemed to take some solid advice in this thread and move on to an extent but these recent posts still tell me you are being dishonest with yourself. There is not a doubt in my mind if this girl called you today to tell you she had feelings for you, you would do whatever you could to make it happen. The sooner you fully accept that the sooner you can completely move on.

 

[Days like these...]

Reading the title alone sufficed to know she didn't want op bothering her.

 

[shawnbuddy]

When you get a little older you get over this platonic love stuff, or at least this lying to yourself that it's "not about sex." The truth is that if both parties don't want to fuck it is not a relationship.

 

[ZOONAMI]

Her continuing to talk to you id say suggests she is a friend, but she may have some reservations that you are pursuing more than friendship, as likely many men she knows do. I would just make it very clear you want to be friends.

Your commentary on her cuteness/attractiveness sort of makes me doubt your stated intentions as well though.

Its also possible she initially did not see any romantic possibilities, and this was potentially just an initial buffer as she probably deals with people coming onto her all the time, but maybe she now wants you to ask her out.

People are hard to read. If you have reason to believe she might be interested in you romantically, and thats something you want to pursue, then just ask. If she again says shes not interested though that may kill your friendship. If you truly have zero romantic intentions then just continue being her friend without making any romantic advances. It depends on if you truly see her as a friend op or if you do in fact want to date her. Women also do have friends who they know would like to do non-platonic things with them, but i can see how women see that as disrespectful having that unstated undertone all the time. Some women may see it as flattering as well though and not be bothered by it.

 

[Kid Ying]

I understand you, man. I've been on the same situation as both sides.

These days, sometimes my friends wants to hang out, talk about stuff and i usually cant go because i'm busy. When a close friend ask, i say in a more directly manner, but friends that are no so close require more politeness.

You are not on her group of friends and you don't see her all the time, so you are not on her mind most of the time either. It's natural she don't talk to you as much. It doesnt mean she doesnt want to be your friend, otherwise she just wouldn't contact you at all. It's strange cause life sometimes makes you distant from your friends and you end up talking much more with people you don't even like, but it is what it is what it is.

If when you meet the person and it looks like no time passed since your last encounter and you still enjoy the Company (and the same applies for that person) that's a friend.

Although it looks to me she's not a good friend to you (by not presenting you to her friends), so, just keep in touch, talk to her on LINE and don't expect more of it. I don't think she sees you as nuisance and ir seems she enjoys your company. If she wants more of you, she will go the way.

 

[M52B28]

I've seen this anime. Pretty sure she's a ghost

Holy fuck... hahhaha

 

[ramparter]

Friendzoned

Not even close, this girl doesn't even know what a friendship is. From what you described op I believe this girl may have actually considered sending you many times but backed off, she doesn't know how to initiate contact, I can tell because I used to be a lot like this, if people didn't message me I wouldn't even if I wanted to. She is a strange fella. Can't really advise you here - actually I wanna say move one, you are wasting your time.

 

[always crazy bacon]

You're a musician and a Western (I think?) guy in Asia

Hop on tinder and swipe for 30 minutes. You should get 20+ matches of which at least five would want to go on a date ASAP

This is so true it should be written down in the bible, and yet I've seen too many guys come here with thier lack of social skills from thier home country and constantly cockblock themselves leading to the novella the OP has posted.

 

[Warm Machine]

Essentially text her saying you are going somewhere to do something fun. She can come if she wants but you are going to have a good time no matter what. If she shows she shows. If not she has missed out on your good time. That will tell you everything you need to know. Don't work on her schedule, work on yours.

 

[Shredderi]

Glad to hear you got resolve out of this. Case solved then. No need for us to try to deconstruct your "hidden" motives etc. anymore.

 

[AtomskEater]

If she's anything like me (and some of the stuff she said about not having a lot of close friends) then she might just really be too bogged down with her own stuff to really make an effort beyond occasionally texting. I can kinda understand that, even with people I consider fairly good friends I don't text or chat all that consistently.

Don't overthink it too much. If she wants to make the effort to hang out every once in a while, that's great. But don't make plans that revolve around her showing up or not, since it seems she can be pretty flaky. I might have missed this but do you have a couple of other friends to hang out with?

 

[Elandyll]

I'll be brutally honest, I think you are not in the "friend" zone, you are in the "non threatening acquaintance I can fill the blanks in my social life with" zone.
Sorry

 

[Hex]

If you have to ask, walk away.

 

[notaskwid]

Not really the right person to give advice on matters like this, but you seem to have made up your mind anyway, so good luck Aizo and stay strong. Just try to be the as honest with yourself and with those you seek advice from as you can (I know I tend to leave out key details that would make my desired conclusion harder to realize, both when seeking advice from others and when rationalizing things by myself).

 

[Astral]

It's probably my Persona 5 fever but it really does sound like the OP is a confidant/Social Link from a Persona game lol.

"We hung out a dozen or so times but now she just ignores me!"

 

[yyr]

The way you talk about her it's clear she does want to be friends and remain in touch, but she doesn't know how to juggle your presence and everyone else she deals with in her life. If I had to guess she's probably a lot like my Friend A: People she goes to school with or lives with take priority in the social ladder as she sees them all the time in the normal day to day. It's easier to make plans face to face, get invited to parties or outings, or just hang out as she's guaranteed to see the more frequently. Then there's you. You exist outside her normal social sphere and she hasn't figured out how to work you into that.

I mostly agree with this post. Your brains work differently, and your concepts of relationships may not be the same. It's also possible that she herself has no idea what she wants out of a relationship with you.

I would say, keep some distance. Take up conversations with her when/if she initiates. If she wants to hang out in person again, do it, but while with her, I'd suggest that you talk about how you feel regarding relationships* and ask her how her opinions differ. It could lead to an enlightening discussion wherein you both learn something. If this happens, you may better understand where she's at, what she wants, and how you can mutually benefit each other.

* not necessarily romantic

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

Text, "Hi, i want to go out with you on a date."

if she says she just wants to be friends, either accept it or delete her number if you can't handle it.

 

[adamantypants]

So the story is over but I bet it isn't. Don't let your wiener do the thinking boys, it's never good. OP, if you think your wiener isn't the one in charge, that's because it's still in charge.

 

[Llyranor]

Am I the only one that hates this term? Are we going to talk about "nice guys" next?

Well, OP did go into meticulous details to describe what thoughtful gifts he got for Valentine's for this platonic acquaintance.

 

[Velocity:Design:Comfort]

If you have to ask, it's probably the 2nd.

 

[DAREALGUMMY]

Truth be told, you kinda lost her interest by being short with her in replying.

 

[Raiden]

Normally i would say drop it she is not interested but i have been watching Terrace house and all those girls look and act uninterested but actually are. But shes Russian so i dont know really.


The important thing is you put yourself out there once and got het number and a date! Do it again son!

 

[17 Seconds]

seems pretty simple from the OP. she's basically putting you on the back burner and using you when she needs to talk to somebody.

 

[Marky Mark]

Oh my god I'm drained just by reading that. Sounds like too much work to even have her as a friend. You just want to be friends because she might get famous or something? Let her go if she loves you Sheryl come back I think that's the saying

 

[brianjones]

Sorry OP but you sound more motivated than just want to be a friend, otherwise u wouldnt care so much? I am a type of person who want to make friend with people too but to the point of making a thread about it? Not sure.

for real who thinks this much about potential friendships ?

 

[lastplayed]

seems pretty simple from the OP. she's basically putting you on the back burner and using you when she needs to talk to somebody.

Yep.

People who just want to be text buddies. Hate those.

 

[always crazy bacon]

Yep.

People who just want to be text buddies. Hate those.

Identify them quickly then bock and delete. No point wasting your time to entertain someone.

 

[TheOMan]

seems pretty simple from the OP. she's basically putting you on the back burner and using you when she needs to talk to somebody.

Winner.

 

[norm9]

Go back in one last time. Her last chance.

 

[johnyqd]

I'm a bit late to reply and some of this has already been covered so apologies for that. I think your actions, as a friend, may be very confusing to this woman. Setting aside the date/flirting/any thoughts of intimacy this relationship reminds me very much of one I have with a buddy (we're both married).

We communicate rarely, he takes forever to respond to messages, and often flakes out on stuff. But he has kids, medical issues, work, and life so I'm pretty tolerant. When we do get together we have fun and I'd consider him a very good friend.

What confuses me about what you've done in this situation are the times you've tried to 'back away' or intentionally replied curtly to her messages. She has said she isn't interested in intimacy but would like a friend - and has a hard time making close friends. At times it feels like you are trying to punish her for not being the kind of friend you hoped she would be?

Going back to my friendship - sometimes we only hang out once every six months - but when we do we both have fun and enjoy catching up. We both have our own social circles and it wouldn't make sense to go out of my way to introduce him to my other friends unless I'm hosting a party or we are having a group event. I know my friend can't usually hang out on a whim, but every month or so I'll invite him to an event and he'll do the same - but much less frequently. We have shared interests in games, books, and movies so most of our communications are sending recommendations to each other in quick texts.

I think that your friend may be confused and also may be struggling to avoid sending mixed messages. Someone else pointed out how she was likely baffled by your not wanting to hang out for the rest of her school concert - something she probably was excited to share with you (and maybe even talk with you about at a later time).

That's a bit long winded. TLDR - if you put less expectations on the relationship and are able to fully put aside the residual feelings you have it could end up being a good long term friendship. As I get older I find those harder to come by and value them, even if they can be sporadic in nature.

 

[LyleLanley]

Any time you have to ask if someone is in to you, as a lover or just a friend, the answer is no.

 

[paragonpro]

Sounds similar to scenarios ive been in, and judging by her reactions she likely just wants to be friends, but she likes you as a friend and doesnt want to lose you as that because shes not romantically interested in you especially if she doesnt have a ton of friends locally. The reason she backed off for two months was likely because she was concerned about leading you on, but clearly she was relived to hear from you. Just be her friend and respect her boundaries, if shes not interested romantically after all this time she likely wont be. Meet other women and maybe cut her off if its
Too hard for you to be around her. But if your able to get over it than continue being her friend because it sounds like you guys really enjoy eachothers company.

 

[Fenderputty]

I wish. Maybe you're missing the point.

Do you need or want new friends, though? Like, why even try? This is a serious question btw, as I've seen enough people who try to "fix" or "help" others in their relationships regardless of sexuality.

Friendships should be organic anyway. You're overthinking it. If it's reciprocated, cool. If not, life goes on and friendships come and go

 

[Aizo]

I don't know why the thread keeps going. I'm done talking to her. Erased the convo, and I'm moving to the other side of the city in a couple months. I think it is likely I never hear from her or see her again.

diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

?

I'm a bit late to reply and some of this has already been covered so apologies for that. I think your actions, as a friend, may be very confusing to this woman. Setting aside the date/flirting/any thoughts of intimacy this relationship reminds me very much of one I have with a buddy (we're both married).

We communicate rarely, he takes forever to respond to messages, and often flakes out on stuff. But he has kids, medical issues, work, and life so I'm pretty tolerant. When we do get together we have fun and I'd consider him a very good friend.

What confuses me about what you've done in this situation are the times you've tried to 'back away' or intentionally replied curtly to her messages. She has said she isn't interested in intimacy but would like a friend - and has a hard time making close friends. At times it feels like you are trying to punish her for not being the kind of friend you hoped she would be?

Going back to my friendship - sometimes we only hang out once every six months - but when we do we both have fun and enjoy catching up. We both have our own social circles and it wouldn't make sense to go out of my way to introduce him to my other friends unless I'm hosting a party or we are having a group event. I know my friend can't usually hang out on a whim, but every month or so I'll invite him to an event and he'll do the same - but much less frequently. We have shared interests in games, books, and movies so most of our communications are sending recommendations to each other in quick texts.

I think that your friend may be confused and also may be struggling to avoid sending mixed messages. Someone else pointed out how she was likely baffled by your not wanting to hang out for the rest of her school concert - something she probably was excited to share with you (and maybe even talk with you about at a later time).

That's a bit long winded. TLDR - if you put less expectations on the relationship and are able to fully put aside the residual feelings you have it could end up being a good long term friendship. As I get older I find those harder to come by and value them, even if they can be sporadic in nature.

I wasn't curt in responding. I wasn't trying to punish her. I would just not continue the conversation. When it ended, I'd let it end instead of attempting to talk more. I did this because I figured I was bugging her, but then she would always initiate another conversation. At the same time, she would bail on all plans, even plans she initiated.

 

[johnyqd]

I don't know why the thread keeps going. I'm done talking to her. Erased the convo, and I'm moving to the other side of the city in a couple months. I think it is likely I never hear from her or see her again.


?

I wasn't curt in responding. I wasn't trying to punish her. I would just not continue the conversation. When it ended, I'd let it end instead of attempting to talk more. I did this because I figured I was bugging her, but then she would always initiate another conversation. At the same time, she would bail on all plans, even plans she initiated.

Didn't mean to misinterpret - I hope your move goes well!