LegendofDragoonLives
Member
You should have said that to her, I'm not joking. Sometimes, you just need to be brutally honest.
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Can't tell if this girl wants to be friends or if she wants me to leave her alone
- Thread starter Aizo
- Start date
#sorrynotsorry
Member
Since you obviously like her as more than friends, you should ask her on a date again. If she says yes, great. If no, and it's probably no, just be nice and then move on with your life.
This post is fantastic.
Aizo
Banned
Really? I thought their post was very good. I wasn't offended at all. It's super straight forward, but I like that a lot. Good advice.
So, OP, here's the thing. Women are...complicated. And weird. Nobody understands them, not even their fellow women.
So why not just ask her straight up what's up? Also, don't push it. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen.
p.s. I did not read the rest of the thread so disregard if you already figured her out.
So why not just ask her straight up what's up? Also, don't push it. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen.
p.s. I did not read the rest of the thread so disregard if you already figured her out.
Dot Matrix
Member
Sounds like she was lonely when she first arrived there and took you up on your offers as she wanted some friends/company. Since then I'd think she's met more people she has more in common with and would prefer to spend her time with them.
I imagine she's being nice to you over messages as she doesn't specifically dislike you, but would just rather move on and build her circle of friends as she can now pick and choose who to hang out with, and not just with the only person she knows in a new city.
Move on and just think of her as someone you used to know.
I imagine she's being nice to you over messages as she doesn't specifically dislike you, but would just rather move on and build her circle of friends as she can now pick and choose who to hang out with, and not just with the only person she knows in a new city.
Move on and just think of her as someone you used to know.
BadAss2961
Member
Whole lot of text about a whole lot of nothing.
Worst case scenario is she's just using you for attention. Best case is she's a little shy and you have a chance if you'd just go for it. You like her but you won't make a move at all. Clearly she's not going to be the one to initiate, so do something. Unless you want to stay in this cycle up to the point that you find out some other dude is waxing it. Then you'll be in the friendzone for real.
Worst case scenario is she's just using you for attention. Best case is she's a little shy and you have a chance if you'd just go for it. You like her but you won't make a move at all. Clearly she's not going to be the one to initiate, so do something. Unless you want to stay in this cycle up to the point that you find out some other dude is waxing it. Then you'll be in the friendzone for real.
It sounds like she's made the same conclusion that I and many other posters have that all of this attention means that you don't want to just be friends with her. Women have been dealing with dudes giving them a little too much attention since they turned 12, some of them will have gotten very good at sidestepping by their mid-20's. Maybe you actually don't like her like that, but she's identified the pattern of your behavior as someone who's been told no dating but is trying to sneak in as a friend, and she's (quite effectively) dealing with it.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Speaking purely anecdotally, I find it easier to become friends with people I've just met who turned me down, or went on one or two dates and broke things off.
There isn't the emotional investment of the months of pining and hoping, you both know where you stand, and as long as you're both honest about wanting to be friends (because you actually do share some interests) it can work out.
Being passive aggressive, making then flaking on plans, and blowing up someone's phone when you haven't seen them for a week aren't effective ways of "dealing with" unwanted romantic advances. She has done nothing admirable in this situation as a friend or a potential romantic interest.
There isn't the emotional investment of the months of pining and hoping, you both know where you stand, and as long as you're both honest about wanting to be friends (because you actually do share some interests) it can work out.
Being passive aggressive, making then flaking on plans, and blowing up someone's phone when you haven't seen them for a week aren't effective ways of "dealing with" unwanted romantic advances. She has done nothing admirable in this situation as a friend or a potential romantic interest.
hey_monkey
Banned
I am gonna call this out as some misogynistic bullshit, though. My guess is it isn't meant that way, but did you ever stop to consider that it looks this way from what I'm guess is a male perspective because you are in different situations as a man with women than you are as a man with other men?
Selfish, shitty people are pretty equally distributed across gender identities and it's not like dudes are short on self-entitlement. I'd ask you to consider that angle in the future before you lay into what amounts to "some people are users but it's mostly women" line.
I'm not going to pursue an argument here. Just asking you to consider.
UncleSporky
Member
Uh
They weren't saying literally most of the people like this are women, they were saying that they personally know several who are women. Presumably they say sadly, because they don't want to stereotype a whole group, but they can't help but relay the message that way if it's their own experience.
Charles Brandon
Member
yeah this and let's be honest, as much as you say you are happy to be friends, which I'm sure is true, the only reason you keep bothering with her is because you would quite like to get in her knickers. Not that there is anything wrong with that but she's a crap friend and she's not going to sleep with you so you lose either way anyway.
witchedwiz
Member
op..
there are too many lines, and too little incentive in this whole endevour..
1) you DID try-hard, and frankly after all this essort//side-effort whatever you want to call it, if it's not gone even into friends with benefit, it's not gonna go in that direction
2) EVEN if we exclude any sexual interaction, EVEN if we assume a friendship, heck.. this is a trainwreck.. she fails to even qualify as a palatable friend, it's too flaky to even be friend material
but what do I know, I'm a random gaffer..
feel free to follow your instinct, but in all honesty, I don't see this going into anything meaningful (as a friendship or a relation) and at most it might transform into one-night-stand (and I'd be surprised if this even happens)..
so, keep a normal contact, but move on, to other friends or to other sexual interest.. nothing to see//do here, imho
there are too many lines, and too little incentive in this whole endevour..
1) you DID try-hard, and frankly after all this essort//side-effort whatever you want to call it, if it's not gone even into friends with benefit, it's not gonna go in that direction
2) EVEN if we exclude any sexual interaction, EVEN if we assume a friendship, heck.. this is a trainwreck.. she fails to even qualify as a palatable friend, it's too flaky to even be friend material
but what do I know, I'm a random gaffer..
feel free to follow your instinct, but in all honesty, I don't see this going into anything meaningful (as a friendship or a relation) and at most it might transform into one-night-stand (and I'd be surprised if this even happens)..
so, keep a normal contact, but move on, to other friends or to other sexual interest.. nothing to see//do here, imho
Glass Shark
Banned
The responses you posted at the end of your post make it seem like she's just trying to be cordial. Those aren't the kind of things that good friends say to each other. I don't think she's actively trying to get you to leave her alone, but I think you're right that she's just not interesting in putting in the effort to be friends with you. I say just let it go.
Aizo
Banned
It was cool to get all these varied perspectives. While one issue with asking for advice somewhat anonymously is that many make assumptions about your motives and personality, having no connection allows you all to call me out of some stuff and help me recognize things I tried to hide from myself.
I have my answer, and I know what to do now. Shut it down.
I have my answer, and I know what to do now. Shut it down.
Herr Schwarz
Banned
She knows you want to bang her.
But she's also said she's low on friends and wants to be friends.
She's gottah dance the careful dance of not giving you big hopes for relationship because again, she knows you want to bang her, but also keep you around as a hangout option.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
I didn't think I needed to preface all of my posts with "purely anecdotally", but I know both men and women who behave this way, just most of them are women.
In my social circles, women get away with it more, because most of the people vying for their affection are actively trying to fuck them. Guys who fall off the map or stop showing up to shit just stop getting invited. That is due to gender roles, yes. People's tolerance for your shitty behavior only extends as far as what you can offer them.
Aizo
Banned
Although deep down I wish she had returned my feelings, I can say with certainty that I neither want to date her nor have sex with her. I don't do hookups, and friends with benefits with this girl would be a disaster. No thanks.
Keep in mind for the future that not everyone just wants to have sex with someone as their key motivation for wanting their company.
witchedwiz
Member
nono!
he's climbing the tower with the other sheeps!
Catherine for committment
Katherine for fun
Failtherine for nothing
OP is vincent in catherine 2 :X
ehhh if only...
but let's not derail.. OP i don't think you'll get anything out of it as I said XD
Aizo
Banned
Never played it. Been focusing on music and had a long vacation.
We fully expect follow up posts.
Aizo
Banned
That sounds like a disaster. Let's all just hope there is no movement as I cut the cord, so there will be no need for an update.
I'll only update if she demands to know why I won't talk to her anymore. I'm not cold. I'd explain is she asks.
LegendofDragoonLives
Member
Terrible advice. Cut off all contact once it's made clear you only want to see her if she wants to date. Not cutting the cord means you won't be able to get over her, which still hasn't happened.
In these cases, it's better to be straight with you instead of sugar coating it. Prost.
She sounds extremely shy. Like, the instance where you came to her performance and she walked you out, that sounds like she wanted to hang out with you afterwards but didn't know how to say it since you said you were leaving. She might be confused as how to approach you as a friend instead of a romantic partner, as you had made clear you were interested in that, but she would like more close friends.
I'm not sure if this helps you at all or not, but as an extremely introverted person myself, I have an issue saying what is on my mind frequently.
If I were you I would continue to talk with her if she continues to be receptive, but don't be forward. Make yourself available to do stuff but don't be pushy about it. Also, if you want to try the friendship out some more, you could invite her to things you do with other people, which may be less intimidating.
Again, it's a hard read, but for me it sounds like she likes you as a friend but doesn't really know where to go with it after you asked her out on a date and she is just a shy person.
I'm not sure if this helps you at all or not, but as an extremely introverted person myself, I have an issue saying what is on my mind frequently.
If I were you I would continue to talk with her if she continues to be receptive, but don't be forward. Make yourself available to do stuff but don't be pushy about it. Also, if you want to try the friendship out some more, you could invite her to things you do with other people, which may be less intimidating.
Again, it's a hard read, but for me it sounds like she likes you as a friend but doesn't really know where to go with it after you asked her out on a date and she is just a shy person.
Let it go man. When women are actually interested in either friendships or relationships, it is just as obvious as it is with men. If this was a dude, you would have already realized what is happening.
If you like her that much, do not cut her out of your life, but let her fully define the terms of the relationship.
If you like her that much, do not cut her out of your life, but let her fully define the terms of the relationship.
This post is all truth right here OP. I've seen many of my friends, co-workers or even acquaintances go through this kind of nonsense and it usually never pans out in the end. Just let her be and see what time does with the both of you but stop fooling yourself into thinking there's something more than there actually is.
If you can't help yourself then just tell her what it is next time you see each other.
Herr Schwarz
Banned
You said in your OP you saw her in the store and were drawn to her sexiness and that you hadn't been in a relationship for months so told yourself "why not" because she was THAT attractive you would regret it afterwards.
The entire reason you spoke to her in the first place is because your weener told you to do it. Friendship with a devastatingly attractive woman can be hard, especially when you want the sexy time
So like I said, if she's not interested in that romantic thing and wants company, maybe she's worried about hurting your feelings and might be worried about leading you on etc.
Though if you've got nothing to lose, and are never gonna see her again maybe try some risky gambits on messaging her?
"Yo baby, do you want some no strings sex or casual fling sexy action" Just to pitch it out there, if she says no, well I guess that's that.
Aizo
Banned
Took me a second to get it, because I've never played, but are there parallels between my story and Persona 5, or are you nerds relating anything about life in Japan to a video game? Haha.
Milly Osworth
Member
To put in into Mario Kart terms.
You couldn't do 200cc, then tried 150cc and now you're stuck on 50cc and still not getting the gold trophy. Just play another game.
You couldn't do 200cc, then tried 150cc and now you're stuck on 50cc and still not getting the gold trophy. Just play another game.
RichiRamjag
Member
Everything you wrote and the effort you've expended really says otherwise though. I read the story to my wife and it's the first thing she picked up on as well. Maybe your writing doesn't reflect who you are, but personally, it doesn't come across that way. At least you've decided to leave her be, but I feel that it'll only take an encouraging text to stir up the same feelings.
Aizo
Banned
I said she was cute. I wanted to talk to her--to get to know her. I didn't even know whether we would get along, so sex with her was not even a logical jump.
RichiRamjag
Member
Oh, that's rubbish!
"Oh, shit. She's cute. This is bad"
Heart beating faster? Come on mate...
I'm not saying you wanted to ravage her there, but you were obviously more interested in more than just being pals from the sounds of it.
FlashbladeGAF
Member
In her mind, she may already think of you as a friend.
If you (at the very least) want to remain friends, just accept that school or whatever will take priority (because it kind of has to). Just be supportive when she needs you to, and be patient and she will eventually realize how good a friend you are (and have been) if she hasn't already.
Remember she is trying to move toward a goal in a set amount of time, so she has to use that time as efficiently as possible. Unfortunately normal things, like hanging out are going to be limited.
It's not your typical situation, but relationships including friendships need to be flexible when school/work/career/life is involved.
You obvious want more from her so I'm not sure if you can be friends. Just remember she did give you her number, so she did in so small way fit you in to her busy hectic schedule.
Try not to be to rude about it even though it may feel like it's one sided.
If you (at the very least) want to remain friends, just accept that school or whatever will take priority (because it kind of has to). Just be supportive when she needs you to, and be patient and she will eventually realize how good a friend you are (and have been) if she hasn't already.
Remember she is trying to move toward a goal in a set amount of time, so she has to use that time as efficiently as possible. Unfortunately normal things, like hanging out are going to be limited.
It's not your typical situation, but relationships including friendships need to be flexible when school/work/career/life is involved.
You obvious want more from her so I'm not sure if you can be friends. Just remember she did give you her number, so she did in so small way fit you in to her busy hectic schedule.
Try not to be to rude about it even though it may feel like it's one sided.
stn
Member
Props on making the move, OP. Very good stuff, takes a lot of guts!! However, don't be one of those people that starts saying BUT I ONLY WANT FRIENDSHIP after getting rejected and writing wayyyyy too much in the OP to convince me otherwise. Be honest with yourself and don't be afraid to admit the obvious. Don't become passive toward yourself just because. Its normal to want to date and fuck, you just have to find a person who feels the same way about you.
shawnbuddy
Member
Jesus, you're in Japan. You're an exotic foreigner and young women there are starved for sex. Go talk to one and stop literally being Charlie Brown chasing the Little Red-Haired Girl.
Herr Schwarz
Banned
I don't like the term foreigner. But I suppose it's acceptable. I thought the guy was Japanese!
lol at the young "sex starved women" remark though, that's classy pal.
Aizo
Banned
I don't do hookups anymore, and the way she treats a friendship was an early sign that a relationship with her would be a failure. I don't want to date her, and I don't want just sex without a connection, because that's not an interest of mine. I have residual feelings for her, but sincerely, I did want to be just friends with her more than anything else. I recognize that's weird considering the circumstances, but the music connection was a huge part of that. Having a friend who is following the dream that I have really made me look up to her and admire her in a way unrelated to romance.
Alcotholic
Banned
You see, the problem guys have is we cant take being ignored for a short while. If we dont get a fast response from someone we're interested in, then we assume the worst.
Based on your edits though, it looks like she still wants to hang with you. I could tell she enjoyed hanging with you in the first few paragraphs, so STOP OVERTHINKING IT.
Based on your edits though, it looks like she still wants to hang with you. I could tell she enjoyed hanging with you in the first few paragraphs, so STOP OVERTHINKING IT.
shawnbuddy
Member
John Kowalski
Banned
Wow one less friendship in the world.
gg gaf
gg gaf
Wolfgunblood Garopa
Member
Yep. A lot of people are just like that, they're just kind of aloof. Sometimes you'll fit into their world for a time, or not. Any sort of pressure of any kind does not work. By pressure I mean, any sort of expectation- messaging you, saying goodbye, etc. Certainly mentioning any kind of definitive 'where we stand' kind of stuff.
Aizo
Banned
We can be friends to even it back out. Thanks for your kind posts.
WaterAstro
Member
If you actually want to care for a person, you wouldn't think about backing off. That just shows you don't really care.
If you want to be a friend or something more, you would be patient with the other person.
Edit: Regardless of my late post after your decision, I would apply this advice to all future relationships.
If you want to be a friend or something more, you would be patient with the other person.
Edit: Regardless of my late post after your decision, I would apply this advice to all future relationships.
Charles Brandon
Member
I find it hard to believe that any single guy wouldn't hook-up with a girl they found attractive, if they were in a position to do so.