Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
It's the small things that make us the happiest sometimes.
I do this with food and I really shouldn't. lol
If any of you guys have had some serious experience with the drug Neurontin (Gabapentin), could you PM me real quick? I've been trying to pinpoint some mental/physical issues I've been having and wanted to see if these pills were the cause (amongst an assortment of other medications I take).
I concur. Whatever feelings may come, you have to let them flow through you rather than resist them. It sucks, yes, but then you're just sad, rather than anxious/angry about being sad. It removes the extra layer of complexity, leaving just you and your emotion.
The more completely you can feel these things and let them come and go as they please the less dominating they become and the more presence of mind you can dedicate to figuring out how to move forward in the long term instead of how to resist in the short term.
Saw my psychiatrist today. After I told him Pristiq was doing fuck all to help, he switched my prescription for the third time. I'm now on Wellbutrin instead of Pristiq. Fourth antidepressant... Let's see how this one goes. Kind of tired of everything. He and my therapist asked me to give myself (also, them) more time before I do/attempt anything.
I do let the thoughts just run their race a lot of the time. Still doesn't help. Instead of worrying about whether or not I'm strong enough to fight them, it's more of a "when will I give in to them?".
I do let the thoughts just run their race a lot of the time. Still doesn't help. Instead of worrying about whether or not I'm strong enough to fight them, it's more of a "when will I give in to them?".
That sounds like a really good switch. Wellbutrin is very different from Pristiq and can help a lot with boosting energy.
It can also cause some anxiety, especially as you're first getting used to it. Try to ride it out if you can and if it does good things for you outside of a bit of anxiety I'd say adding a small dose of a calming medication (Buspar or a calmer SSRI) could balance things out nicely.
As always, I'm no doctor. Just based on the experiences of myself and others I know.
Please keep us posted
But then you'll be totally drowned in depressive thoughts and you won't be able to get out of it. And you'll feel weak for not being able to resist those thoughts.
Of course, trying to have an optimistic mindset doesn't work either, so the only thing that's left is to suck it up and feel like shit until the day you die, knowing you'll never do anything with your life, and that you'll die alone, always alone, like a shadow in a dark alley, undistinguishable from your surroundings, completely invisible. Maybe a friend or two will mourn you, along with some family members, but that's it. They'll move on, and the world will keep on turning, uncaring. And you won't even find comfort in death, as death is but the cease of every feeling, the shutdown of the brain, the stopping of the heart. But there will also be no more depression, no more ugly feelings, no more bad days. No more loneliness.
Nah, this is a fight you can't win. The only thing you can do is get up every morning and have one more day of struggle before giving up. No reason to continue, except the futile hope that things will get better, and a reckless refusal to admit defeat.
NoIt's the small things that make us the happiest sometimes.
Oh you. I think that phrase is true, I tend to smile when little things happen
Collete
Member
Good, see I told you they would know a little bit more what else to give you.
Remember to look at the stuff I sent you in the PM.
If there is a god then there isn't anything to smile at.
There is a god, but don't worry, he doesn't do anything, he's just staring at us.
If there is a god I will die in my sleep tonight
Depression-gaf...I could really use some help right about now.
I have been going in a downward spiral of depression, but it's only gotten worse recently. I don't know if I can post the whole story, but I'll be the first to admit that a lot of my problems stem from within me. I got feelings, and thoughts I cant seem to click off in my brain. I used to think my depression was just bad moods, but lately it's even gone into the realm of feeling suicidal.
I don't know how to get out of this funk...I got school work due tomorrow, and essay work I need to try to focus on for the next few weeks, and I can't even get my brain to remember the words I'm reading out of the book. I have recently tried setting up appointments with a therapist, and I'm supposed to see a social worker on Thursday, but I'm still in a lot of just emotional pain, and it makes me feel physically ill.
Any help on how I can at least get myself to focus....because my brain just refuses to work properly right now.
I have been going in a downward spiral of depression, but it's only gotten worse recently. I don't know if I can post the whole story, but I'll be the first to admit that a lot of my problems stem from within me. I got feelings, and thoughts I cant seem to click off in my brain. I used to think my depression was just bad moods, but lately it's even gone into the realm of feeling suicidal.
I don't know how to get out of this funk...I got school work due tomorrow, and essay work I need to try to focus on for the next few weeks, and I can't even get my brain to remember the words I'm reading out of the book. I have recently tried setting up appointments with a therapist, and I'm supposed to see a social worker on Thursday, but I'm still in a lot of just emotional pain, and it makes me feel physically ill.
Any help on how I can at least get myself to focus....because my brain just refuses to work properly right now.
Ask someone who's life is just suffering and death. I remember you being excited about stuff in the weight loss thread. NeoGAF must bring some joy to your life as well because you are still a member
That's not going so well for me right nowAsk someone who's life is just suffering and death. I remember you being excited about stuff in the weight loss thread. NeoGAF must bring some joy to your life as well because you are still a member
But it's something you've managed to try and surely it felt good?
BruiserBear
Banned
Accept your depressive thoughts for what they are. Temporary depressive thoughts.
You don't know it right now, but what Piano and I are saying is literally THE key to overcoming anxiety/depression. Think of it as a magic trick that you don't understand now, but eventually you'll be like "holy shit, that's how it works".
You win the fight against anxiety/depression by not fighting. See how backwards that sounds? That's the reason it's such a foreign concept to most people the first time they hear it. Fighting keeps you sick. When you stop fighting, and just let go of your thoughts, you win.
When I say "fighting", I mean engaging these thoughts/worries. A negative or worrisome thought arises, and the depressive/anxious person engages the thought. What if it's true? What if I am a horrible person?!? What if I really will never fall in love?!?
The person who wins responds to those thoughts with taking a deep breath and "That's OK. It's just my anxious brain at work again". Accept that you're prone to this type of thinking, and it's OK. With time the more you stop engaging those thoughts, and digging a deeper hole, the more easily you can emerge from them, feeling at ease. Thoughts only mean something if you allow them to mean something.
Eventually you'll be able to brush negative/worrisome thoughts off your shoulder like a fly that just landed there for a moment.
I'm terrified. The past month I've been having suicidal thoughts all day long. I have severe problems socializing with people and fear of failure which is affecting my studies. I'm doing an internship rihgt now and I'm expected to be very social and full of energy but I just can't. I'd have to resort to heavy stimulants to meet their expectations. And even if I do succeed in my studies, I won't be any happier which makes life so hard.
This is pretty much the entire logic behind Meta-Cognitive Therapy (MCT), which is an apparently very effective newish branch of CBT that works very well with depression.
Prax
Member
Woah, I haven't been in here in a while. I've been having all sorts of things to sort out and try to organize.. which is my Achilles Heel in life.. .____.
Organization and planning and not procrastinating and responsibility and MONEY gives me anxiety galore. Blaaaaaaah... Even organizing myself to send out mail is hassle, which is silly really, but you try to make the breakaway whenever there's an opening and things will get done.
So I'm working on tackling one or two tasks at a time.. It's slowly progressing!
There's an overall strategy to dealing with intrusive negative thoughts. Some people will tell you to just be blindly optimistic and fight them, but honestly, i think for most people with depression or anxiety, or a combination of those issues, you will lose too much energy fighting all the time. You have to pick and choose your battles.
QUICK AND DIRTY GUIDE TO PICKING YOUR BATTLES PRAX STYLE:
When to fight feelings and thoughts tooth and nail and say "NO! NOT GONNA DO IT. THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. SIT DOWN AND READ OR SURF GAF.":
- When your life depends on it and you are literally going to harm yourself or cause yourself death because your thoughts compell you to
- When you are at the brink of endangering someone else's safety out of anger or confusion (and not self-preservation)
When to just let thoughts flow through you like the meandering things they are and say "yah ok whatever, maybe I should go make a myself a snack or take a run. How's the weather today? Maybe a walk? Should I be doing a chore right now?":
- Most other times, especially if they are repetitive because who wants to listen to nagging or read through spam mail anyway lol
When to look more closely at thoughts and say "Hmm.. this is interesting, maybe..":
- When they inspire you
- When they give you new ideas and new perspectives
- When they give you hope
A person with depression will have a brain that gives you all sorts of thoughts, most of them negative. Who knows why (I am not a neurologist, but lets say that it inhibits brain communication and then your brain is just stuck on a negative loop path because it's the path of least resistance for it). Not all of those thoughts is worth the emotional investment, just like not all your messed up dreams if you have them, mean anything at all. They are part of random brain neuron firings that you automatically try to make sense of or look for deeper meanings and patterns because you're human and that's what humans do, but let's just try to take them for what they are: kind of random and illogical most of the time.
You are a strong person. These thoughts you may feel are too strong or overpowering and are chipping away at you, but you have it in yourself to heal and choose to not actively engage with them. It takes practice and patience with yourself, and it could take years and the help of some drugs if they are TOO intrusive and you need to give your brain a level playing field, but it's attainable. Think of it as mental spam going to your favourite mental account. You are trying to apply spam filters to that.
The next step is thought redirection. You might not have the energy to do this yet because you aren't efficient yet to picking and choosing battles with yourself, but when you do, that's when you can take a negative thought, analyze it more on a objective scale, and decide the best action to take.
Most of your negative or recurring thoughts will not give you any direction. They just say things that may or may not be true and you feel some sort of expectation to make a conclusion out of them and act on it. The truth is you don't have to do anything with those thoughts because they are kind of random and almost computer-generated anyway, and you got your own things you'd rather work on instead. So when they come up, you can rewrite it in a the way that will give you somewhere to go.
For example: "I am useless and I do nothing right and I always will be, why bother trying"
Redirection: "Even though I feel like this, I have been able to learn to read and write and I somehow managed to survive thus far. Something is going right even though it's hard to admit! I want to accomplish [goal], and the next thing I should do is [task]."
You accept your feelings when they come up but rewrite your narrative and then give yourself a direction to go.
Eventually you will get used to this and it will be more reflexive. I know it's difficult and I still have trouble with it, but it gets better the more you do it!
Until you can get that therapist stuff set up, my advice is to give yourself room to breathe and relax. Take deeper breaths. Work in smaller chunks. Write notes while you read your research material in order to bolster your processing of it (taking notes works! make sure to rewrite the notes in your own words! It will be like you are studying twice that way! Source the page you got the notes from, and have headings for your notes). Then when you have to write that essay, you will have notes which are condensed forms of what you read so you don't have to read as much of the source material again. And then that can be further condensed into an essay.
If you know your brain is not working right, you can at least just give it easy tasks to see what it can do and for how long. But give yourself plenty of breaks to think about pleasant things or focus on calming/relaxing yourself before getting back on task. You might feel it's escapist or a waste of time, but it's better than dwelling on the negative and hopefully it will help you recharge so you have the energy to focus for a longer period of time.
If it is, then I understand. And if it helps, then all the better. You've been holding on for a long time, so please continue to find hope and enjoyment wherever you can.
And it did seem like the exercising thing was good for you, at least as a focus. Are you still doing it?
I think if you can keep it up just to get through it, try to. It's probably easiest if you can just accept that it's okay to be shallow and false and people expect that and it's fiiiiine~ No on will judge you and you shouldn't judge yourself about it.
You can figure out the rest when you finish your studies. It will be a huge relief and then you can refocus on what's next.
I have made many of such decisions, and though each one could be full of regret, the other decisions could just as well have been too and maybe I just naturally regret everything. If that's the case for me and the case for you, then it's probably that nothing's an inherently terrible path and you just do the things you do.
Even floundering a bit and running in circles.. not so bad in the grander scheme of things (something I also do plenty of)! So long as you can enjoy yourself somehow due to whatever you choose or in spite of whatever you choose, it's enough.
I only have an idea of what the decision might be faced with, but I think either way is okay. It just depends on what you want to envision for yourself in the future and who the person you want to be is. And besides that, you don't totally have to make it NOW, do you?
And I feel that they even had a lot of thought redirection in them, because a bunch of them start diving into dark themes, but then I try to redirect it into a more positive or mysterious end... maybe you'll have to see for yourself. Hahhaa..
Some of them I even illustrated at the time! They were all pretty cool, if I do say so myself. I am proud of foolish younger self.
Organization and planning and not procrastinating and responsibility and MONEY gives me anxiety galore. Blaaaaaaah... Even organizing myself to send out mail is hassle, which is silly really, but you try to make the breakaway whenever there's an opening and things will get done.
So I'm working on tackling one or two tasks at a time.. It's slowly progressing!
I will echo what BruiserBear and Piano and Locke are saying.
There's an overall strategy to dealing with intrusive negative thoughts. Some people will tell you to just be blindly optimistic and fight them, but honestly, i think for most people with depression or anxiety, or a combination of those issues, you will lose too much energy fighting all the time. You have to pick and choose your battles.
QUICK AND DIRTY GUIDE TO PICKING YOUR BATTLES PRAX STYLE:
When to fight feelings and thoughts tooth and nail and say "NO! NOT GONNA DO IT. THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. SIT DOWN AND READ OR SURF GAF.":
- When your life depends on it and you are literally going to harm yourself or cause yourself death because your thoughts compell you to
- When you are at the brink of endangering someone else's safety out of anger or confusion (and not self-preservation)
When to just let thoughts flow through you like the meandering things they are and say "yah ok whatever, maybe I should go make a myself a snack or take a run. How's the weather today? Maybe a walk? Should I be doing a chore right now?":
- Most other times, especially if they are repetitive because who wants to listen to nagging or read through spam mail anyway lol
When to look more closely at thoughts and say "Hmm.. this is interesting, maybe..":
- When they inspire you
- When they give you new ideas and new perspectives
- When they give you hope
A person with depression will have a brain that gives you all sorts of thoughts, most of them negative. Who knows why (I am not a neurologist, but lets say that it inhibits brain communication and then your brain is just stuck on a negative loop path because it's the path of least resistance for it). Not all of those thoughts is worth the emotional investment, just like not all your messed up dreams if you have them, mean anything at all. They are part of random brain neuron firings that you automatically try to make sense of or look for deeper meanings and patterns because you're human and that's what humans do, but let's just try to take them for what they are: kind of random and illogical most of the time.
You are a strong person. These thoughts you may feel are too strong or overpowering and are chipping away at you, but you have it in yourself to heal and choose to not actively engage with them. It takes practice and patience with yourself, and it could take years and the help of some drugs if they are TOO intrusive and you need to give your brain a level playing field, but it's attainable. Think of it as mental spam going to your favourite mental account. You are trying to apply spam filters to that.
The next step is thought redirection. You might not have the energy to do this yet because you aren't efficient yet to picking and choosing battles with yourself, but when you do, that's when you can take a negative thought, analyze it more on a objective scale, and decide the best action to take.
Most of your negative or recurring thoughts will not give you any direction. They just say things that may or may not be true and you feel some sort of expectation to make a conclusion out of them and act on it. The truth is you don't have to do anything with those thoughts because they are kind of random and almost computer-generated anyway, and you got your own things you'd rather work on instead. So when they come up, you can rewrite it in a the way that will give you somewhere to go.
For example: "I am useless and I do nothing right and I always will be, why bother trying"
Redirection: "Even though I feel like this, I have been able to learn to read and write and I somehow managed to survive thus far. Something is going right even though it's hard to admit! I want to accomplish [goal], and the next thing I should do is [task]."
You accept your feelings when they come up but rewrite your narrative and then give yourself a direction to go.
Eventually you will get used to this and it will be more reflexive. I know it's difficult and I still have trouble with it, but it gets better the more you do it!
Well, like I said above, it may be best to try to not engage in the thoughts and take them seriously if they are out f whack. It's hard to say when you don't specify, but if they are intrusive thoughts that just seem to be repeating themselves no matter what you do, it could be your own mental spam mail and you might need to look into professional help for it.Depression-gaf...I could really use some help right about now.
I have been going in a downward spiral of depression, but it's only gotten worse recently. I don't know if I can post the whole story, but I'll be the first to admit that a lot of my problems stem from within me. I got feelings, and thoughts I cant seem to click off in my brain. I used to think my depression was just bad moods, but lately it's even gone into the realm of feeling suicidal.
I don't know how to get out of this funk...I got school work due tomorrow, and essay work I need to try to focus on for the next few weeks, and I can't even get my brain to remember the words I'm reading out of the book. I have recently tried setting up appointments with a therapist, and I'm supposed to see a social worker on Thursday, but I'm still in a lot of just emotional pain, and it makes me feel physically ill.
Any help on how I can at least get myself to focus....because my brain just refuses to work properly right now.
Until you can get that therapist stuff set up, my advice is to give yourself room to breathe and relax. Take deeper breaths. Work in smaller chunks. Write notes while you read your research material in order to bolster your processing of it (taking notes works! make sure to rewrite the notes in your own words! It will be like you are studying twice that way! Source the page you got the notes from, and have headings for your notes). Then when you have to write that essay, you will have notes which are condensed forms of what you read so you don't have to read as much of the source material again. And then that can be further condensed into an essay.
If you know your brain is not working right, you can at least just give it easy tasks to see what it can do and for how long. But give yourself plenty of breaks to think about pleasant things or focus on calming/relaxing yourself before getting back on task. You might feel it's escapist or a waste of time, but it's better than dwelling on the negative and hopefully it will help you recharge so you have the energy to focus for a longer period of time.
It always feels like you are asking for us to challenge your thoughts for you because you really want them to be wrong so you can have some semblance of an external supply of hope. Is this the case?
If it is, then I understand. And if it helps, then all the better. You've been holding on for a long time, so please continue to find hope and enjoyment wherever you can.
And it did seem like the exercising thing was good for you, at least as a focus. Are you still doing it?
It sounds like the suicidal thoughts are more of a side effect of trying to find ways to "acceptably" escaping your anxiety-provoking situation? I think I am a lot like you. Social situations and trying to keep my fake "pep" up to strangers or coworkers who I would still consider strangers is the most exhausting thing ever. And so, there were a few times in my own internship placements where I have had thoughts of "oh gosh, if I died, I wouldn't have to do any of that and who would be able to blame me? I'd be dead." But of course that's not a great solution. Your brain just thinks maybe it could be because it's using its low-grade AI that way, but you are the one that consciously has to think it over and realize it's not a realistic solution at all.
I think if you can keep it up just to get through it, try to. It's probably easiest if you can just accept that it's okay to be shallow and false and people expect that and it's fiiiiine~ No on will judge you and you shouldn't judge yourself about it.
You can figure out the rest when you finish your studies. It will be a huge relief and then you can refocus on what's next.
I feel that when it comes to such a thing and all things being equal, you just pick one and gogogo~!
I have made many of such decisions, and though each one could be full of regret, the other decisions could just as well have been too and maybe I just naturally regret everything. If that's the case for me and the case for you, then it's probably that nothing's an inherently terrible path and you just do the things you do.
Even floundering a bit and running in circles.. not so bad in the grander scheme of things (something I also do plenty of)! So long as you can enjoy yourself somehow due to whatever you choose or in spite of whatever you choose, it's enough.
I only have an idea of what the decision might be faced with, but I think either way is okay. It just depends on what you want to envision for yourself in the future and who the person you want to be is. And besides that, you don't totally have to make it NOW, do you?
Can I submit bad poetry I made in grades 7-11 when I didn't even really understand what depression or existential angst was and just musing on it? xD I feel like even though I didn't know what I was writing, the poems or characters they were based on might have had a deeper understanding somehow.
And I feel that they even had a lot of thought redirection in them, because a bunch of them start diving into dark themes, but then I try to redirect it into a more positive or mysterious end... maybe you'll have to see for yourself. Hahhaa..
Some of them I even illustrated at the time! They were all pretty cool, if I do say so myself. I am proud of foolish younger self.
Maybe it's the Pristiq withdrawal or maybe it's the Wellbutrin, but I'm sleepy all the time. I thought Wellbutrin would give me more energy? Instead, it seems like half an hour after taking it, I want to just sleep. I've been sleepy all of yesterday afternoon up until now. Fuck this.
Edit: Pretty sure it's just me being too tired to function but I just noticed the date. Seems like it was yesterday it was New Years and I was hoping this year would be better. Now it's a month until my birthday and I don't even want to live to see it. Time, fuck off.
Edit: Pretty sure it's just me being too tired to function but I just noticed the date. Seems like it was yesterday it was New Years and I was hoping this year would be better. Now it's a month until my birthday and I don't even want to live to see it. Time, fuck off.
Collete
Member
Follow the PM. Ok? Remember to look through it and follow it. Go back to the doctor if you need to and get him to help you on this.
That's the thing...I lost my vision for the future and I'm unsure what the hell am I doing now....It's scaring me to the point of tears that I just can't see in front of me any longer....
Prax
Member
Just like being lost in any situation, calm down and keep yourself grounded and oriented to where you are right now.
There is no iminent danger where you are. You are safe. You are not on a speeding train into a wall of doom though that is how it may feel to you.
I will be online to talk in a a few hours if it will help!
Med transitions are always tough. Give it a little time. It sucks, but it'll do its thing.
Life is not about luck, is about effort and enthusiasm
I just need the courage to jump in front of a train
No, you don't have to do that. You just have to plan your life and make it real
Wouldn't mind having someone to talk to for a bit. Time continues to slip away fast while I continue to do nothing and not made any progress as to what the hell I'm going to do with my life. It has been 16 months since I've had an occupation of any kind, it's pathetic, and I know others around me think the same.
Even if somehow I did end up with something good I would probably still screw it up by being a socially inept mess that's unable to maintain any motivation. The way things are just now feels like I can either continue on and achieve nothing, or just do anything to keep me busy and most likely become even more depressed like everything else has done my whole life. I just don't see any good way to go right now.
Even if somehow I did end up with something good I would probably still screw it up by being a socially inept mess that's unable to maintain any motivation. The way things are just now feels like I can either continue on and achieve nothing, or just do anything to keep me busy and most likely become even more depressed like everything else has done my whole life. I just don't see any good way to go right now.
Life is evil
One thing I notice is that you can only prove the reality of how you're feeling now.
If you're actually as right as you say are, then let's interview your sister and see if she's seen you depressed for thirty years. Or other people of our choosing. Either you've got a fluke of genetics which makes you incapable of feeling happy - of which we have evidence to the contrary - or you're bending the truth. I'm willing to entertain that you're even worse off than most of us in here because of whatever reasons, but at some point we have to know why. The world being a sole cause is very, almost abysmally slim.
What's your explanation for it? A long, unending string of bad luck? You're an enemy of the state?
Thanks, but I don't believe it. I AM a horrible person. I WILL NEVER fall in love. And I don't deserve to.
Today I had one of my lowest lows in a long time. A couple of days more like this and... well, I'd still do nothing because I'm the biggest coward in the universe and would never gather the courage to off myself.
But right now I wish I would. I don't want to keep living this life, if this is how it's gonna be till the very end. Such a coward.
You're a smart girl, you are. Those tips look useful, but they're not for me. There's no way back now, no way of ever having a sane mind, of being happy and living a good life. I'm getting old and time already passed by.
As Pink Floyd once said, one day I found 10 years had gotten behind me. No one told me when to run, and I missed the starting gun. And as The Alan Parsons Project also added, I still got it all left to do, and I know that the chance has gone by.
So I may be able to hold off the depressive thoughts for a while. But they will keep coming back, and I won't be able to do it forever. I just wish I had at least one talent, one redeeming quality to assure me I'm not a waste of food, water and air, to feel like I can do something well. But there's simply none. No good thing ever comes from me, and similarly no good thing happens to me (and there's no reason why they should).
If you feel like it, maybe you could shoot me a PM. I'm willing to listen to whoever needs it.
Text me back instead.
Collete
Member
I don't know you, but chances are you aren't as an asshole you think you are. Depression makes me feel like an ass as well, but people tell me I'm not...It's just the illness. Try not to believe in it.
If you ever do share your story, we'll be interested and listen.
Listen to Smiley, Windam. Don't give up now, I'm still with you, we all are.
To add to this, if you ever feel like sharing but don't want it recorded in this thread, there's many of us available for talking via PM or chat as well, for an even more informal setting
You're welcome anytime.
Prax
Member
See, you say you're horrible, yet you offer to help people even when you're at what is possibly your lowest? Is that really a trait of a horrible person? (Answer: no)
It doesn't matter what mental gymnastics you try to employ to come to that conclusion. I feel you try to make that conclusion because it's a natural inclination to come to it given how terrible you feel, but it's the depression that makes you feel that way, not your character.
Life passes everyone by. We can't all do everything and be everything, but we can all try to make the most of it and admire all the stuff we went through given whatever hand we were dealt. Could be a life of foolishness, misadventure, great heights, or scraping by, but I think we all try our best to make it worth living and that in itself holds intrinsic value. And do you not find it ironic that you value Pink Floyd and The Alan Parsons Project for their ideas, and they possibly felt the same way, yet look how far they have gone and how much they have accomplished? Not everyone can be them and accomplish as much of course (because no one is them exactly), but a lot of us go through similar experiences without realizing how much we have accomplished despite all odds.
Try the techniques and mental strategies and give it a few years. You have nothing to lose really except time. And then again, so what? Don't feel ashamed for "wasting" time. We all do it to one degree or another. Use that time to hone a skill of your choosing even. No one becomes a master at a craft over night as far as I'm concerned. And again, it's just time. Don't be so afraid of squandering it on things you want to, since it's not something you can cash in at the end anyway.
What are you talking about? Other people's replies make me worried.
Persevere through your anguish and talk it through with people.
It always makes me so happy to know that this thread helps people.
I think most people feel like their stories are stupid. Mine seem ludicrous too compared to others, but suffering is suffering.
I'd like to say that I am not very judgmental and can almost talk about anything without being shocked. (Unless it's a fun conversation, then I can be more random lol)
SPEAKING OF... I am in the chat right now and will hang around for a few more hours if you wanna drop by~! I will try to get in more often. lol
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ADDRESS:
http://chat.mibbit.com
1. CONNECT: leave the server dropdown on mibbit
2. NICK: choose whatever nickname you want
(although if you want to reserve a nickname for yourself only, there are other steps you can take. I used this guide because it was easiest, even though we're not really in the mozilla servers: https://wiki.mozilla.org/IRC
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TUROK
Member
You'd be surprised at how much it just talking about something can help.
My mom saw the scars on my arms yesterday. I told her I did them out of depression. Despite her lack of knowledge on the subject of depression or cutting, it didn't go completely awful. Still, it's not something I ever wanted her to know about. Not fun.
Collete
Member
What happened?
OK... Here goes. It's not a short story. Jesus, it's a really long story. There will be a tl;dr version at the end, so feel free to skip, I guess.
Ever since I've known someone could be depressed, I have been. I have absolutely no self-esteem. Can't think of the last time I was really positive about something. The first time I thought of suicide was eighth grade. Was on anti-depressants about 10 years ago. Hated hated hated them. Felt like a robot. I'm in my early thirties now. I had my depression mostly under control for a while- at least until about a year ago.
I've worked retail all my life. I generally like people, but I've found myself to have a bit too thin of a skin at times. Then again, who doesn't? I had been dating and living with a girl for 4 years, and things were getting out of control. I was paying for everything other than her half of her rent and her car insurance. All the utilities, groceries, even her cell phone. She has a full time, minimum wage job that, once the two things she pays for are taken out, she doesn't have much left. Luckily, I have a well-paying job, so I could afford it, even if it meant I wasn't saving any money. There was no physical side to the relationship. If I was lucky, we'd have sex once every two months... or unless she forgot to buy my Christmas presents (this actually happened, and I had given her the money to buy them). She was pressuring me to marry her. I always responded that A) I don't have money for a ring, and B) by all definitions, we were married already, and that I didn't see the point. As this was all quickly going sour, a co-worker somehow got ahold of my phone number, and we began texting back and forth, and occasionally hanging out with other people we worked with. Only downside? I was her boss... and that proved to be a slippery slope. Flash forward four months. GF and I decided to break up. We had been fighting a lot, and it just seemed like the right idea. We were both pretty OK with it. The lease was about to be up on our apartment, though, and we missed the part in the paperwork that said that we had to give 30 days notice that we weren't resigning. It makes sense, but now we're stuck with each other, in a one-bedroom, for another year. Surprisingly, we got along a lot better broken up. It was like the pressure was off. Unfortunately, things with the co-worker were picking up. She was the aggressor. She introduced me to her kids, who were awesome, and things were pretty decent. I didn't tell the ex what was going on, mostly out of my own concern for her feelings, so I lied. I never disputed that CW was out with me, but I always said others were too. CW birthday came, and I spent a bunch of $$$ on the day. Four days later, (and I assure you) completely out of the blue, she dumps me, via text. She starts getting hostile. Before you know it, I was getting kicked out of the location I worked at and transferred to another in a very bad area. I was lucky to still have my job and I accepted responsibility for the bad situation, but to call this store a problem store (and a severe punishment) would be an understatement. It was two weeks behind on freight, with a full warehouse and a full trailer that needed to be unloaded every week. The second day that I was there, I had to call the cops TWICE... first on an employee threatening the store manager, and then on the employee's FAMILY who came up and tried to assault said manager. The manager wasn't entirely innocent. He pushes buttons, and loves to try to play divide and conquer. So there I am, heartbroken and betrayed, and I'm basically walking into a war. Boss ends up completely worthless. Leaves every day that I work as soon as I come in, leaving me completely shortstaffed in an incredibly busy store. Nothing gets accomplished. Holidays come. He's still pulling his disappearing act (he didn't even come in the weekend before Christmas, and remember, this is retail) and I'm drowning. Drowning in anxiety, and Mr. Suicidal Thoughts was back, and bigger than ever. It doesn't matter though. I bust my ass, and work harder than I have at any job I've had in the last 16 years.
Right around this time, I had applied for a job, with a significant cut in pay, but out of the retail industry. This was my only bright spot of hope. I was so excited, I told one of my friends to apply. "How fun would it be for us to work together?" I asked. There was 15 openings. I figured I had a great shot. Long story short? Bombed the phone interview. Not only did my friend get the job and I didn't... but CW somehow got the job, too. Found out from my boss at my old location. And that was it. Didn't leave the house other than for work for three months. Drank a lot. Ate almost nothing. Meanwhile, I'm living with my ex, who I can't even tell the full story of what the problem is, because I'm an asshole and still didn't want to hurt her.
End of January, I get a text from a weird number. Come to find out, it's the ex (we'll say EX3) of my ex's ex (EX2). EX3 and I always got along when she and EX2 were dating, and would hang out with my ex and I. Not to mention, she was gorgeous. Like, distractingly gorgeous. She's a singer in a great band. Says I should go see them. She had found out that my ex and I had split up, and was telling me how much better I was than my ex, and how awesome she thought I was, and how she and I should hang out. Sounds great. She and I hang out three times, and she cancels on me six. We talk a lot, though. Things are decent. At the same time, my ex starts hanging out with one of her co-workers. Someone I've never heard her mention before. She starts using a lot of the same excuses I did when i was seeing my CW. I flip out... but I can't even say why. (I feel like this story needs a flowchart). Then, out of nowhere, my ex starts talking about how she might want to try to work things out. Stops hanging out with her coworker. And things with EX3 are getting... interesting. She's living with one of her exes, too, and he's moving out at the end of March. She told him she wouldn't date anyone until he was out of the house. So it's kind of a waiting game. I go to Vegas last week. My ex keeps texting me about how much she misses me and can wait for me to get home. EX3 starts getting distant, but keeps reminding me that we're supposed to hang out the day after I get back. I joke that she's gonna cancel on me. She doesn't like that. Fast forward to the day after I get back... and she's nowhere to be found. Won't answer the one time I call her and doesn't call back, won't respond to texts... which is weird, because we text back and forth like 100x a day. She's just gone. The next day, I get invited to a private party saturday night by mutual friends of mine and hers. I give a wishy-washy maybe, and BOOM! Out of the woodwork she comes. "YouhavetogobecauseI'monlygoingbecauseyou'regoing!" Again, I didn't say I was ever going to begin with. Her band has a show coming up, and she wants me to introduce them. I'm flattered, and accept. She also wants me to take 4/1 off, because she wants to spend the day with me. Get to the party Saturday night, and she's nowhere to be found. Shows up around midnight, completely shitfaced hammered. I flip out on her. She tries to explain. I tell her that I'm not someone she should feel like she needs to explain herself to. She says she wants me to be. I tell her she's better than the games she's playing. I tell her that I don't have time for games. I'm too old, and I've got too much stress. I'm basically yelling at her for an hour, but, at the same time, being incredibly positive in what I say. She's got a friend that, every time I see her, is with her. He's obviously in love with her. She tells me she's not interested in him. Well, anywho, he comes outside where we are, and just says "We're leaving." Off they go. She doesn't even say goodbye. Then I get a text from my ex saying that she's having someone watch the dog because she's hanging out with her co-worker. It's now four days later. EX3 won't respond to my texts. Well, that's not true. I texted her to tell her that I'm off 4/1. She said she was really happy to hear that. That's all I've gotten from her. She used to be all over my facebook, liking everything, and putting up funny videos. Nothing. My ex that I'm living with is getting weird again. I get back to work and find out that I'm my boss's next target. He spent the entire time that I was gone talking shit and saying how worthless I am. People tell me he's gonna try to at least get me transferred... which means I'm probably just gonna get fired. Second store in a year where they need to transfer me because someone doesn't want me there anymore? That'll go over great. EX3's band's show is Friday. I don't know if I should even bother going. I don't know what to do. I'm drowning again. I just need one fucking thing to go right. Just one little spark. And every time I have a chance at finding it, everything blows up in my face. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I can't quit my job. I have no money saved, and I'm already supporting someone else. My fear is that I'll just freak one day and quit. Get kicked out of my apartment, ruin my ex, and end up being that guy in his thirties who lives with his dad. If I live that long. I sometimes wonder if I had more self-worth, could I actually follow through on killing myself?
TL;DR- Fuck it. I can't come up with one.
Ever since I've known someone could be depressed, I have been. I have absolutely no self-esteem. Can't think of the last time I was really positive about something. The first time I thought of suicide was eighth grade. Was on anti-depressants about 10 years ago. Hated hated hated them. Felt like a robot. I'm in my early thirties now. I had my depression mostly under control for a while- at least until about a year ago.
I've worked retail all my life. I generally like people, but I've found myself to have a bit too thin of a skin at times. Then again, who doesn't? I had been dating and living with a girl for 4 years, and things were getting out of control. I was paying for everything other than her half of her rent and her car insurance. All the utilities, groceries, even her cell phone. She has a full time, minimum wage job that, once the two things she pays for are taken out, she doesn't have much left. Luckily, I have a well-paying job, so I could afford it, even if it meant I wasn't saving any money. There was no physical side to the relationship. If I was lucky, we'd have sex once every two months... or unless she forgot to buy my Christmas presents (this actually happened, and I had given her the money to buy them). She was pressuring me to marry her. I always responded that A) I don't have money for a ring, and B) by all definitions, we were married already, and that I didn't see the point. As this was all quickly going sour, a co-worker somehow got ahold of my phone number, and we began texting back and forth, and occasionally hanging out with other people we worked with. Only downside? I was her boss... and that proved to be a slippery slope. Flash forward four months. GF and I decided to break up. We had been fighting a lot, and it just seemed like the right idea. We were both pretty OK with it. The lease was about to be up on our apartment, though, and we missed the part in the paperwork that said that we had to give 30 days notice that we weren't resigning. It makes sense, but now we're stuck with each other, in a one-bedroom, for another year. Surprisingly, we got along a lot better broken up. It was like the pressure was off. Unfortunately, things with the co-worker were picking up. She was the aggressor. She introduced me to her kids, who were awesome, and things were pretty decent. I didn't tell the ex what was going on, mostly out of my own concern for her feelings, so I lied. I never disputed that CW was out with me, but I always said others were too. CW birthday came, and I spent a bunch of $$$ on the day. Four days later, (and I assure you) completely out of the blue, she dumps me, via text. She starts getting hostile. Before you know it, I was getting kicked out of the location I worked at and transferred to another in a very bad area. I was lucky to still have my job and I accepted responsibility for the bad situation, but to call this store a problem store (and a severe punishment) would be an understatement. It was two weeks behind on freight, with a full warehouse and a full trailer that needed to be unloaded every week. The second day that I was there, I had to call the cops TWICE... first on an employee threatening the store manager, and then on the employee's FAMILY who came up and tried to assault said manager. The manager wasn't entirely innocent. He pushes buttons, and loves to try to play divide and conquer. So there I am, heartbroken and betrayed, and I'm basically walking into a war. Boss ends up completely worthless. Leaves every day that I work as soon as I come in, leaving me completely shortstaffed in an incredibly busy store. Nothing gets accomplished. Holidays come. He's still pulling his disappearing act (he didn't even come in the weekend before Christmas, and remember, this is retail) and I'm drowning. Drowning in anxiety, and Mr. Suicidal Thoughts was back, and bigger than ever. It doesn't matter though. I bust my ass, and work harder than I have at any job I've had in the last 16 years.
Right around this time, I had applied for a job, with a significant cut in pay, but out of the retail industry. This was my only bright spot of hope. I was so excited, I told one of my friends to apply. "How fun would it be for us to work together?" I asked. There was 15 openings. I figured I had a great shot. Long story short? Bombed the phone interview. Not only did my friend get the job and I didn't... but CW somehow got the job, too. Found out from my boss at my old location. And that was it. Didn't leave the house other than for work for three months. Drank a lot. Ate almost nothing. Meanwhile, I'm living with my ex, who I can't even tell the full story of what the problem is, because I'm an asshole and still didn't want to hurt her.
End of January, I get a text from a weird number. Come to find out, it's the ex (we'll say EX3) of my ex's ex (EX2). EX3 and I always got along when she and EX2 were dating, and would hang out with my ex and I. Not to mention, she was gorgeous. Like, distractingly gorgeous. She's a singer in a great band. Says I should go see them. She had found out that my ex and I had split up, and was telling me how much better I was than my ex, and how awesome she thought I was, and how she and I should hang out. Sounds great. She and I hang out three times, and she cancels on me six. We talk a lot, though. Things are decent. At the same time, my ex starts hanging out with one of her co-workers. Someone I've never heard her mention before. She starts using a lot of the same excuses I did when i was seeing my CW. I flip out... but I can't even say why. (I feel like this story needs a flowchart). Then, out of nowhere, my ex starts talking about how she might want to try to work things out. Stops hanging out with her coworker. And things with EX3 are getting... interesting. She's living with one of her exes, too, and he's moving out at the end of March. She told him she wouldn't date anyone until he was out of the house. So it's kind of a waiting game. I go to Vegas last week. My ex keeps texting me about how much she misses me and can wait for me to get home. EX3 starts getting distant, but keeps reminding me that we're supposed to hang out the day after I get back. I joke that she's gonna cancel on me. She doesn't like that. Fast forward to the day after I get back... and she's nowhere to be found. Won't answer the one time I call her and doesn't call back, won't respond to texts... which is weird, because we text back and forth like 100x a day. She's just gone. The next day, I get invited to a private party saturday night by mutual friends of mine and hers. I give a wishy-washy maybe, and BOOM! Out of the woodwork she comes. "YouhavetogobecauseI'monlygoingbecauseyou'regoing!" Again, I didn't say I was ever going to begin with. Her band has a show coming up, and she wants me to introduce them. I'm flattered, and accept. She also wants me to take 4/1 off, because she wants to spend the day with me. Get to the party Saturday night, and she's nowhere to be found. Shows up around midnight, completely shitfaced hammered. I flip out on her. She tries to explain. I tell her that I'm not someone she should feel like she needs to explain herself to. She says she wants me to be. I tell her she's better than the games she's playing. I tell her that I don't have time for games. I'm too old, and I've got too much stress. I'm basically yelling at her for an hour, but, at the same time, being incredibly positive in what I say. She's got a friend that, every time I see her, is with her. He's obviously in love with her. She tells me she's not interested in him. Well, anywho, he comes outside where we are, and just says "We're leaving." Off they go. She doesn't even say goodbye. Then I get a text from my ex saying that she's having someone watch the dog because she's hanging out with her co-worker. It's now four days later. EX3 won't respond to my texts. Well, that's not true. I texted her to tell her that I'm off 4/1. She said she was really happy to hear that. That's all I've gotten from her. She used to be all over my facebook, liking everything, and putting up funny videos. Nothing. My ex that I'm living with is getting weird again. I get back to work and find out that I'm my boss's next target. He spent the entire time that I was gone talking shit and saying how worthless I am. People tell me he's gonna try to at least get me transferred... which means I'm probably just gonna get fired. Second store in a year where they need to transfer me because someone doesn't want me there anymore? That'll go over great. EX3's band's show is Friday. I don't know if I should even bother going. I don't know what to do. I'm drowning again. I just need one fucking thing to go right. Just one little spark. And every time I have a chance at finding it, everything blows up in my face. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I can't quit my job. I have no money saved, and I'm already supporting someone else. My fear is that I'll just freak one day and quit. Get kicked out of my apartment, ruin my ex, and end up being that guy in his thirties who lives with his dad. If I live that long. I sometimes wonder if I had more self-worth, could I actually follow through on killing myself?
TL;DR- Fuck it. I can't come up with one.
No, you cant die anytime soon, you are a valuable person just get over this
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