Finaika
Member
I'm the same as you. Way past 30 and have been forever alone all my life.
Depression
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I'm the same as you. Way past 30 and have been forever alone all my life.
I'm a 100% sure I won't by the end of the week, end of the month, 2 months later, 9 years later. At least when i am dead i don't have to keep thinking about it. Logically if it hasn't happen by now it won't happen. Guys I like don't like me, guys i met don't want me. I put a photo of a person i thought was good looking on my profile (not a model) and i got a lot of hits. Tired my photo and nothing.
Up to you what you want to do.
You will never find happiness in someone else. Companionship is not the answer. Find it from within. Being alone should be just as good as being with someone.
When you can appreciate life alone, you will enjoy people more and they will enjoy you.
I know it sounds crazy because you will never be able to be happy and thus you're meant to be alone and should end it, but don't. Reevaluate your goals and things will be easier. Make simpler targets about YOURSELF. Never about others. That is what has helped me.
This Summer, I lost the love of my life, and she is dating another guy. I found out my stepmom hates my guts and I will never be in my brothers' lives. I had to transfer schools and lost a lot of friends. I totaled my car in an accident with someone who I despise more than anyone on this earth, and now I have no car. I didn't find a stable job. I fucked up my wrist. I lost weight at the cost of my strength. I didn't take classes. I didn't get to go to the beach enough. I didn't do a lot. I'm only 20.
In that same time, I lost the weight. I started therapy, and through a ton of self reflection, can finally say I'm working towards happiness. Where my expectations went awry and how to handle stressful situations. I made some new friends, but only after therapy. I rekindled a relationship with my Dad that had been rocky, and still is, but better. Same with my Aunt and Uncle, though I've made it a bit rocky, I'm trying to fix it. I started BJJ. I'm working on clothes and art. I'm going to parties. I'm making MUSIC. I'm doing all the things I wanted to do, finally.
I only got there by letting go. It sounds so stupid but it's true. And I still haven't completely let go. I'm holding on so much to my ex, who is with another guy, it's crazy. I still believe she is the one for me, and I want to show her how much I've changed and be strong for myself and her, so she can trust me and know I'm not a risk. I don't want to be a risk. I don't want her to ever feel like the way I made her feel. I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. I will let go once she either decides to trust me and give me a chance in due time, or doesn't. If she can't, I will understand. I'm glad she is valuing her happiness ahead of mine. She will be a better person for that and I care about her so much that I understand that. In the meantime, I will try and meet new people, and find out if she is the right one. I will know, so will she.
I learned EMPATHY. I was in love with this girl, and still am, and I didn't fucking understand EMPATHY. I was constantly on and off thinking about her needs vs mine, and if mine were more important, that was it. Now? I don't give a shit. That is their life, not mine, and if I care, I will support them.
Once you love yourself, even a little, it will come easier. You won't care what people think or what they will say. Being honest with who you are is the only way to live.
Make one change. One change everyday. Even in the fucking slightest. And see where you are in a year. That will be 365 changes. One degree everyday. One degree of separation everyday and you will be a new person. It sounds so fucking corny and I know tons of people in this thread have said it, but it's true.
For the first time in my life, lately, I don't REALLY want to kill myself. I think that is an accomplishment. Going through what I've gone through this Summer and being able to brush it off and get through it means I'm fucking strong.
You've been through a lot too. Every day is a struggle. You're strong. You can do anything. Just make the first baby step. Eventually progress will follow. Have faith. I know it's hard. I know you will come back and say no. I know you will post about hopelessness. But I read your posts all the time dude and I really think you can do this. I hope to never come back and see you dead. That would make me very sad.
But you, like me, are in no place for a relationship. I stumbled into an amazing one and fucked up. I was not worthy of it. NEITHER ARE YOU. I'm sorry to say, but you're not. You deserve to be happy. Very happy. Neogaf and myself will help you do that. But that's all we can do, help you. No one person or one thing will make you happy. It needs to come from within.
Relationships are certainly a major source of stress, grief, disappointment - whether you're in one or not. I can sympathize with "forever alone" GAF - I was the last of my friends to get a date. Looking back, I think I finally got that date because the girl in question was dating a friend of mine. I didn't have that usual nervousness/desperation or whatever that you can spot on a lonely person a mile away, at least not around this girl. My single female friends found my neuroticism "cute" in a "you're like a brother to me" sense, which isn't what I was really going for at the time.
It's a cliche, but people will always tell you to just be yourself. What they don't tell you is how the hell to do that when you desperately want someone to be attracted to you. Part of it is being comfortable with who you are - we're all trying to figure out who we are, all our lives, or so I believe, and we're naturally drawn to people who seem to have things figured out. On a deeper level, we bond with people over our shared insecurities, our struggles to figure out what the hell we're supposed to be doing, but that stuff is off-putting when you're just meeting someone.
I definitely had the most romantic interest when I wasn't looking for romance. Once I was in a committed relationship, I just felt more confident and I didn't think of each new female friend as a potential romantic partner. Actually, that kind of pissed me off, because as soon as I was in a relationship, there was suddenly all sorts of interest from quite a spectrum of wonderful girls. I definitely think that the fact that I could just be myself naturally because I was already madly in love with someone else made me more attractive.
It sounds like shit advice, but you really have to try not to obsess over finding romance. People can sense the desperation. You need to cultivate an attitude of "romance just isn't going to happen for me, so I'll just make friends." You don't need to commit to an asexual existence and swear off all feelings of attraction to other people, you've just got to relax - both around others and in your private time. Easier said than done, I know, but obsessing over a lack of relationships is going to make you miserable AND make you less desirable. How do you actually do that? Fuck if I know. It helps to have friends who are absolutely unavailable, but would be attractive if they weren't dating your best friend or whatever. Now, if you want to follow my example, you then sort of accidentally steal your friend's girlfriend and destroy that friendship. That worked for me, but isn't recommended. Instead, if you can hang out with your unavailable but attractive friend, you'll be yourself, you can flirt in a very silly way (who doesn't love to flirt?) and you'll be more comfortable when someone else starts hanging out with you and your friends. I definitely got some of this bleed over effect when I was joking around with my friend's girlfriend - I made many more female friends, or became closer to people who were friends of friends - because I dropped some of my natural shyness and nervousness. Plus, unavailable girl would tell her friends about me so I got some good word of mouth.
This is all way after the fact analysis. At the time, I just had classes with this nice girl who I kind of knew and one day I just said, "hey, you're dating my friend, Adam!"
Any help?
It's a cliche, but people will always tell you to just be yourself. What they don't tell you is how the hell to do that when you desperately want someone to be attracted to you. Part of it is being comfortable with who you are - we're all trying to figure out who we are, all our lives, or so I believe, and we're naturally drawn to people who seem to have things figured out. On a deeper level, we bond with people over our shared insecurities, our struggles to figure out what the hell we're supposed to be doing, but that stuff is off-putting when you're just meeting someone.
I definitely had the most romantic interest when I wasn't looking for romance. Once I was in a committed relationship, I just felt more confident and I didn't think of each new female friend as a potential romantic partner. Actually, that kind of pissed me off, because as soon as I was in a relationship, there was suddenly all sorts of interest from quite a spectrum of wonderful girls. I definitely think that the fact that I could just be myself naturally because I was already madly in love with someone else made me more attractive.
It sounds like shit advice, but you really have to try not to obsess over finding romance. People can sense the desperation. You need to cultivate an attitude of "romance just isn't going to happen for me, so I'll just make friends." You don't need to commit to an asexual existence and swear off all feelings of attraction to other people, you've just got to relax - both around others and in your private time. Easier said than done, I know, but obsessing over a lack of relationships is going to make you miserable AND make you less desirable. How do you actually do that? Fuck if I know. It helps to have friends who are absolutely unavailable, but would be attractive if they weren't dating your best friend or whatever. Now, if you want to follow my example, you then sort of accidentally steal your friend's girlfriend and destroy that friendship. That worked for me, but isn't recommended. Instead, if you can hang out with your unavailable but attractive friend, you'll be yourself, you can flirt in a very silly way (who doesn't love to flirt?) and you'll be more comfortable when someone else starts hanging out with you and your friends. I definitely got some of this bleed over effect when I was joking around with my friend's girlfriend - I made many more female friends, or became closer to people who were friends of friends - because I dropped some of my natural shyness and nervousness. Plus, unavailable girl would tell her friends about me so I got some good word of mouth.
This is all way after the fact analysis. At the time, I just had classes with this nice girl who I kind of knew and one day I just said, "hey, you're dating my friend, Adam!"
Any help?
Any reason why you don't want to take anti-depressants? A general lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities - anhedonia - is a key symptom of depression. Depression can also really affect your memory. If you look at the brains of people with long-standing depression, their hippocampi - key brain regions for memory formation - actually shrink. They grow back with effective treatment - meds or therapy - it's one brain region where the adult brain keeps making new neurons and new connections.
In terms of sexual side-effects, Wellbutrin is the favored drug. It's even added to other antidepressant drugs to COUNTER sexual side effects. It might not be the drug for you, but it's worth asking your doctor about. Some people seem to have this idea that they should just expect all of these side effects from antidepressants - like it's a given that your sex life will be over. That's just not the case. If you're up-front with your doctor about your concerns, you can find ways to restore your mojo.
Except that alcohol is a depressant. Drowning your sorrows in booze does feel kind of good sometimes, I'll admit, but comorbid alcohol abuse and depression can be a bitch to treat. And treating depression with a depressant, while it oddly seems to work okay in the short term, sets you up for a terrible downward spiral. Also, alcohol can affect your response to any antidepressants, anxiolytics, etc. that you're taking. Usually, your side effects will be increased while the positive effects will be blunted. I cut back my drinking from sort of an every other week night at the bar with my buddies to less than one drink a month, and never more than 2 drinks in a night, because it completely screws with my antidepressant. And vice versa, I guess - getting drunk is not nearly as pleasurable.
Are you on meds? Many psychiatric drugs give you anticholinergic effects - dry mouth, dry eyes, difficulty urinating, constipation, tachycardia, memory problems. These are usually worse with the older drugs, like tricyclics. I took nortriptyline for years and the dry mouth was just about at the point where it was intolerable.
Sour candy will make your mouth produce the most saliva, so if you like sour things, you can pop some candy to keep the saliva flowing. Gum helps, too.
Anxiety can definitely cause dry mouth, too. The mechanism is probably excess sympathetic nervous activity (the "fight or flight" responses - sympathetic activation makes your body produce the thicker saliva that keeps your respiratory tract lubricated). Parasympathetic ("rest and digest") activity produces the watery saliva that keeps your mouth moist and helps you eat your food. If you're anxious, your sympathetics beat your parasympathetics so your mouth goes dry.
[Random medical school mnemonic - "point and shoot" - parasympathetic activity is responsible for an erection, whereas ejaculation is under sympathetic control. It's not really relevant, but you can impress your friends with your knowledge of dong physiology]
Antidepressant withdrawal is just bad news. I can miss a dose and be okay, but with two doses, I'm miserable. Many people get parasthesias - odd sensations, often in their arms or legs. Zaps of electricity are a common complaint. There's some controversy about the existence of "brain zaps," which go by a few other names. They're basically jolting or electrical sensations in your head. Some psychiatrists don't believe that they're a real phenomenon - it's chalked up to momentary dizziness or somesuch more common thing - but they're full of shit. I've withdrawn from antidepressants and gotten brain zaps. I describe it as feeling like my brain has downshifted - it feels like my brain smacks into the front of my skull and then gets yanked to the back. It's extremely unpleasant.
Just in general, you need to keep your blood levels of ADs up for them to work. Like basically any other drug, you get the best effects when you take it at the same time every day. If it's hard to remember to take multiple doses, most drug companies extend their patents by making "extended release" versions of their drugs. This is sometimes bullshit, but with, say, Effexor, which has a very short half-life, meaning that missing one dose can give you symptoms, taking one extended release pill (Effexor XR) has a real advantage over the usual 2-3 doses you need with regular Effexor. There's usually a price difference for the extended release stuff, but even Effexor XR is now available as a generic (but they have to pay the original manufacturer for some weird legal reason, so it's a bit more expensive than most generics). Anyway, if putting your pills by your toothbrush or whatever doesn't always jog your memory, think about getting a pill that you only need to take once a day, or even ask about drugs with longer half-lifes. If you miss a dose, you'll be in better shape.
Antidepressant withdrawal put me in the hospital, so it can actually be quite serious.
Think it's time for me to move out of my mother's place. She is quite an awful person and a cancer on my life. Today she proved she can be a total heartless bitch when she can be. My therapist for a long told me I should move. Problem is I have no savings, no friends to move with, no car and I really want to quit my job. I'm scared if I do move I am going to rely on this very shit job more than ever. So much easier to blow my brains out.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
Life hasn't turned out the way it should.
Out of Working Order
Member
Can you not joint-rent a place or apartment with somebody? Look in the paper for your local area - see if there is anyone looking for somebody to move in with them and help pay rent.
I've looked at my own situation, and realized that there's no point in me moving out of my parent's house. I'd be better off to save. I would like the independance though, I have to admit.
I haven't cried in years. That all changed yesterday and today. I don't know who to talk to. My mom came in and saw me in tears and simply asked if I was just going to continue feeling sorry for myself. I'm afraid to tell anybody how I really feel. Like they'll just laugh at me and tell me to man up.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Well, you have gaf.
We'll listen.
Also, the suicide hotline is great for that even if you aren't suicidal or thinking of self harm. I've had to call them up sometimes when no one's really around.
We'll listen.
Also, the suicide hotline is great for that even if you aren't suicidal or thinking of self harm. I've had to call them up sometimes when no one's really around.
Save up and move out. Or sell everything you own on ebay. Or make a thread on GAF and we will find you a place to live on the promise you work towards fixing your life.
Life is contextual and worth is subjective. Find the better side, you know you can deep down. Even if the bad outweighs the good, as long as there is good, you're winning. You can always fix it, and if it can't be fixed, then it's worth letting go.
I know that feeling. My mom is the EXACT same way. Send me a PM if you want to talk.
It varies.
A lot of mine comes down to personal objects, but most recently it's about my health (the big one at the moment), relationships with people, and the future. I lack motivation and confidence because of it, and I don't see my future in a positive light anymore.
I've had it for so long it's hard to describe how it is for me, because in all honesty it has overtaken me.
Moving out would be great man, as would getting a new job.
I'm sure people on GAF would gladly help you. Perhaps make a thread as mooooose said?
I know how you feel. A guy i knew in college already has a house, car and wife and I have nothing to my name.
That's another issue trying to live with someone i don't know. I don't trust people so easily.
Thinking about selling my action figures and maybe my dreamcast collection. I know i have to leave here soon.
Thanks. My friend said i should focus on one thing and go from there. Trying to see which is worse living at home or my shitty job. I think i have to change my job first.
Canis lupus
Member
Don't lose spirit man, I know how hard it is at times. :/
My therapist told me he thinks I'm too depressed to get my stomach surgery.
Says he wants to see improvement in other areas of my life before he gives his okay to the hospital.
My weight is the primary source of my depression, but I have to stop being depressed so I can get this surgery to help with my weight loss.
So basically I suck so much I can't even get surgery to help me suck less.
Says he wants to see improvement in other areas of my life before he gives his okay to the hospital.
My weight is the primary source of my depression, but I have to stop being depressed so I can get this surgery to help with my weight loss.
So basically I suck so much I can't even get surgery to help me suck less.
I guess you're not the type who likes physical activity?
I certainly don't. Wonder if my weight affects my depression. I don't really care that i'm overweight... at least not consciously.
Raijin_Cain
Member
I dont think you are seeing it from the right angle.
You cant think that this surgery will fix everything.
It will help you, but its not going to be a magic wand that will make all your problems and issues go away.
I think your therapist wants to see you improve on your own first, to prove to you that you can and to also prepare you for after the surgery.
What would happen if you had the surgery and your problems remained? It could lead you to an even worse depression.
I think your therapist is right. Just my 2 cents. Hope I helped
As depressed as I am, it's even more depressing to think of how unsupportive my parents are. My dad I think is slightly mentally ill, losing touch with reality, and my mom can be a passive-aggressive cold-hearted bitch without even knowing it. They're both just horrible to go to for support, I don't think either of them want to acknowledge how bad off my life is. My dad just tells me to try to turn my life around with my microsoft certifications. My mom responds "supportively" but very coldly to my problems... says things like "Well you should really see a doctor about that they can prescibe pills that make you better". And that's the end of it. No mention of it ever again from them.
There's really no talking to them about serious personal problems without them throwing out guilt trips about their money problems and how I should be thankful for what I have, and of course they take the opportunity to turn it into a lecture about how I should be settling down with a career or pursuing what I'm currently doing now (banking) despite me loathing the idea of settling down with anything at this point in my life much less with a banking career. They're such fucked up people themselves, with their own problems that I never even know the full extent of, it's just impossible seeing them as people I can talk to about anything.
I also resent them for being such shitty parents earlier in my life.
If there's anything worse than depression and feeling hopeless, it's going through it alone. And I just get older and older and the feeling that "it's just too late" sinks in deeper and deeper with each passing year. Sometimes I just sit and think about things and I'm stunned at how badly it's all turned out for me. I just don't know how it happened.
There's really no talking to them about serious personal problems without them throwing out guilt trips about their money problems and how I should be thankful for what I have, and of course they take the opportunity to turn it into a lecture about how I should be settling down with a career or pursuing what I'm currently doing now (banking) despite me loathing the idea of settling down with anything at this point in my life much less with a banking career. They're such fucked up people themselves, with their own problems that I never even know the full extent of, it's just impossible seeing them as people I can talk to about anything.
I also resent them for being such shitty parents earlier in my life.
If there's anything worse than depression and feeling hopeless, it's going through it alone. And I just get older and older and the feeling that "it's just too late" sinks in deeper and deeper with each passing year. Sometimes I just sit and think about things and I'm stunned at how badly it's all turned out for me. I just don't know how it happened.
I dont think you are seeing it from the right angle.
You cant think that this surgery will fix everything.
It will help you, but its not going to be a magic wand that will make all your problems and issues go away.
I think your therapist wants to see you improve on your own first, to prove to you that you can and to also prepare you for after the surgery.
What would happen if you had the surgery and your problems remained? It could lead you to an even worse depression.
I think your therapist is right. Just my 2 cents. Hope I helped
I know it's not a magic wand that's going to fix everything. And I know that life after the surgery is going to introduce its own new set of struggles.
But I also know that I've been struggling with both my weight and my depression for my whole life, and I just don't have the ability to deal with either on my own. If I did, I'd have solved at least one of them by now.
It's not an instant fix to all my problems, but it's something that could help me over a hurdle that I've had trouble getting over myself. And maybe if I could start going out in public without immediately assuming that everyone who looks at me is judging me based on my weight, maybe if I could look in the mirror and not feel completely worthless, maybe I could start to make progress in other areas of my life.
Know that feel.
My depression was triggered (or made considerably worse) when father died (suicide due to depression and alchoholism). My mother has acknowledged my depression a couple of times, after we've had an argument and afterwards forgotten that. That acknowledgment wasn't really supportive either either, "go to therapy". Fuck that.
All my mother currently does is to tell me to get a job (with what fucking motivation when you're rather badly depressed?) and then hint me i should be paying to her to stay here. Really supportive. I can try to get a job all right but i'm never ever going to pay you.
Also resent her for her parenting. I've practically been raised not to show emotions (she on the other hand can show her emotions, but dear lord if you try to do the same). So i keep them bottled up. So i don't talk about issues i have. She does sometimes try to ask... usually when i have friends around me or i'm doing something else. If i say "not now", i'm getting complained later on as to why i don't ever want to talk about anything. No shit...
It doesn't help my mother never thought to talk to me about my father's dead and ask if it were bothering me (nor has she talked to my brother as far as i know). And whenever she remembers him for some reason, it is usually in a negative manner, disparage him for some reason. Thank you very much...
As i've said earlier, i don't talk to my friends about my depression.
So, trying to deal with this alone.
I might try to seek therapy if i were living alone though i doubt it'll help me, i'm rather distrustful of any system here in Finland (not because of their quality (which isn't that bad AFAIK) but for other reasons).
EDIT apologies for ranting. This thread always put me on this mood for reason or other.
Also, fuck funerals. Not because of funerals themselves but because having to deal with traveling stress.
Raijin_Cain
Member
Man, I know exactly how you feel. Im very fat myself.
I really dont want to have surgery so Im gonna have to find a way to lose weight by myself.
What I said in my previous post, is what I think your therapyst means. Now, ask him again why you shouldnt have it now. Use these words you just used now. See what he says.
Lets hope we can both lose weight soon
If it makes you feel any better, I would be very sad if you stopped existing.
The Hermit
Member
do you do regular exercises? Here's what I did: I decided to run for an hour in a park, not because it lead me to lose weight, but because it made a bunch of other benefits to the body and, especially, to the mind.
Think that every time you run has the same effect as you taking an antidepressant pill.
All you have to do is start... it helps.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Sometimes exercising can trigger depressive episodes. Happens to me after I jog.
Just keep that in mind.
Just keep that in mind.
Hmm, i get sometimes strongly depressed after having a fun day. Same phenomena?
Today for example. Had a lot fun playing RPGs with friends. Now i'm a mess emotionally.
Thanks. it does. Glad I had a chance to meet you. We should hang out sometime soon.
I'm usually pretty miserably at the start of a week, get somewhat better as the week goes on and then back to starting point.
Well I was doing pretty well earlier, then I just failed everything today. *shrug*
Hey, me too. Had quite fun with friends. Now, hours later, i'm sitting here, listening to (cheesy, don't like cheesy) music and being miserable.
I'm feeling better now and I'm avoiding hanging out with friends. I know that will make me feel terrible.
UltimaPooh
Member
Not really related to depression but I'm currently trying at weight loss (lost 20 lbs in about a month) but before that I might have lost more by simply starting small. I gave up pop for the year and by the time I made it to about a hundred days I don't really desire it anymore... Then I worked on cutting out sugary drinks like Gatorade and the expensive high in sugar Starbucks drinks. Now I just get a regular coffee there with a couple of squirts of Vanilla in it.
Currently what I am doing is working out and trying to eat right by watching my calories. If you have a smart phone these two apps helped me the most Zombies, Run! which I use for my cardio. With this I didn't even run at first I just walked and only ran/jogged when the zombies came. Now I jog about 1.5 miles while doing the app, although I haven't done it consecutively. I am working towards that.
Then there is Noom which I used for general advice on coaching for weight loss and calorie counting. I don't use it as much now because after a while I learned which foods are filling and low in calories and which ones aren't.
You shouldn't tackle all of these things I listed at once. You just need to focus on one maybe two and complete those with a goal post of a hundred days. Usually by then you break your addiction or you gain a habbit of doing something.
And I certainly can revert at anytime but I'm making progress and my little personal victories are satisfying enough to keep moving forward. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something.
Hope this helps! Remember the only thing setting you back is your mind!
I know this may happen but that doesn't make me avoid my friends... Don't know what to say. :/
Whats the specific cycle? When it comes to mental health, it's common for things to get worse before they get better, if your brain is releasing toxins.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Don't forget to PM with your Skype info so you can join in on the DepressionGAFpalooza chat! (which is still really lacking in members)
Hey guys, I used to have bad depression after my spinal cord injury but I sought treatment and medication. The turnaround was amazing. 8yrs later I have hope.
This video was just released about me, it's part one:
http://youtu.be/L8CnMjujJCY
Hopefully it'll give you a new perspective on life!
This video was just released about me, it's part one:
http://youtu.be/L8CnMjujJCY
Hopefully it'll give you a new perspective on life!
Amazing, hope things go well for you. Glad to see your positive outlook, very inspiring.
Just things, I have the same problems people have with dating for making friends instead. So basically, I have none. And I just don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
I know this feel all too well. My father is one never to confront one on anything, but rather bottle it up and just be overall angry in interactions. Brush everything under the rug in a way. He judges everything I do and thinks that most things I like are just a phase, he doesn't even attempt to have some empathy towards me. He just wants me to major in something that it's easy to make money in, he says that's the most important thing, and I know it has always been the most important thing for him. Causing an accidental stain on the carpet as a child was a catastrophe of yelling and anger. My mother is better, but she just seems to be selfish a lot and it seems like she doesn't even realize it sometimes. Again, she also brushes things under the rug. They were both alcoholics when I was a child, my father still is, my mom seems to slowly getting back on the bottle. I have more memories of them fighting and being drunk than them getting along and being sober. Their emotions were always wavering as a child, one moment telling me they love me, the next getting drunk and criticizing everything I do and saying I'll just end up at McDonalds when I grow up. Probably why I'm so fucked up emotionally and why it's so hard for me to allow new people in my life and to let myself make them a part of it. Neither of them acknowledge these things in the past and neither of them have ever apologized for any of it. I don't care if I seem entitled because of this, but I can't trust or open up to either because of it. My brother isn't that much better, countless times he said he will be a better brother and be there for me, and countless times he seems to show little or no effort in doing so.
edit: ive been feeling empty lately, moreso now than before
half a moon
Banned
The time has come for me to get a job (24, ran out of money from my last job, still living at home) but depression and social anxiety make it very hard. Basically been a hermit since I dropped out of college with jobs here and there.
I'm glad you're here, too! I'll also suggest joining the skype group. It's another way to get help, make friends, just vent, whatever.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Yes! We need more people!
Surface of Me
I'm not an NPC. And neither are we.
How does the skype chat work, I got a request from it, do we just talk to the person in control of the account? I thought it would be like a chat room.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
It is a chat room. Look in your "recent" or "contacts" and you should see the Depression chat room. Click it to being chatting!
Although I've been feeling low for the past 2 years, today I felt really down... I've been taking care of my cousins goldfish for about 4 months now (they went on vacation so they wanted me to take care of it). They came back but they've decided to move so they wanted me to continue taking care of their fish, today I noticed that the fish has died... I felt really guilty because I feel like its all my fault.. I haven't changed the water in the tank for about a month, usually I would change it every week, the fish is about 8 years old and I can't tell if it was old age or it was the dirty water that killed her... I realize it may sound silly to be depressed over a fish but I feel so guilty, I've had such an emotional attachment to this fish, I've known it since it was first brought to my cousins home in 2004.
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Any tips on understanding if you're depressed? I feel like I may have some low level issues that are currently keeping me down for lack of a better word. Over the past year I've put on a lot of weight (for reference I lost over 50lbs when I was 16 and pretty much gained it back) and I just can't ever get things in my life together. I haven't been able to really focus on school over the same span of time. I just can't focus in class and being able to do homework and such. I made deans list my freshman year fall semester and since then my grades have dropped. Took a summer class and could never get to it or didn't want to do the homework which was necessary. Hell, I didn't even go to my final... Ended up with a 3.1 before transferring out to another school (and I want to do things right).
I am taking zoloft for anxiety but I don't think it's working too well. :/
Also thinking back, how I've been feeling was pretty much the reason I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend last year, who I had been with for a year and some months, and who I did love. But I just couldn't help feeling down towards the end and it was making me miserable and I started distancing myself from her, and then decided it wasn't fair to her, so I ended it. My moods fluctuaste sometimes, feeling very happy and productive, but most of the time I end up with zero motivation to do anything. I need to lose weight. I want to get back into shape. But I can't eat right. I want to go back to my weight of 170 that I was at two years ago..
Earlier in the year I managed to catch up with an old friend, and we had hit it off, constantly texting and flirting. Things were going extremely well and for once I was happy. But then come to find out she was pretty much using me while we were dating for two months and suddenly stopped talking to me. When I confronted her, she gave me a bullshit excuse and told me to lose her number. That kind of hurt. I thought I'd finally gotten somewhere. I guess I felt lonely. And still do, in addition to feeling completely unattractive.
I'm 20, 5 months from turning 21. In college. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I didn't really get the chance to meet new people and party like most of my peers. I stayed local, going to community college, but that really added to my loneliness. I have some friends, but I just sometimes feel like I get included just because. I really regret not applying elsewhere to get away for a while. To get that cliche'd "College Experience". Meet new people and have fun. But I seemingly missed out on all that.
I feel so disconnected from my family. Both the ones I live with in addition to my extended family. I had a family reunion type thing and I just felt out of place. Everything was a (metaphorical) dick measuring contest, with my little brother being in the spotlight because he went to William And Mary, and gets the good grades, while I went to community college. My sister got engaged, so the focus was on her too. I just felt like no one cared about me or my accomplishments. But I guess since I don't have any, it wouldn't have mattered. I hate my other side too. My uncle who lives near me is a complete dick. My grandmother is an annoying hypochondriac who has to make everything about how she's in pain or some other bullshit, and my grandfather is a conservative nutjob and I really dislike talking to him. And people always tell me family ties are important and all that, but I didn't chose to be born into the family. Why do I have to unconditionally love them just because we share genes? Those are on my mother's side. On my father's side, it's all a game of oneupsmanship. And I cannot stand my dad's sister. She is such a bitch, making a big deal about how she has a PhD in business (her fucking dissertation was like 10 fucking pages, ladefuckingda) Shut up. You're annoying.
My sleeping patterns have been all fucked up. Ended up spending a week with my brother and his gf in Illinois (from new jersey normally), so even with the hour time difference, I've been going to sleep around 3-4am and waking up at around 1. And I still feel tired. All the damn time. Which is going to be great when I go back to work. Which reminds me: Fuck my job. Seriously. Fuck retail. I'd been doing full time since march, while doing 17 credits for the spring semester. I never had any time to myself, and I'm just tired of the fucking place. Fucking tired of dealing with pool supplies. Tired of dealing with people who don't fucking have clue. Fucking tired of having Assistant Manager responsibilities, while still being paid a normal sales associate pay. Fuck that.
Oh and I feel like most people don't ever take me seriously. I just feel like people don't ever want to listen to me. Like I'm stupid or something, so they disregard my ideas, which coincidentally happens a lot with my friends for some reason. Because I don't agree with them, some of them like to think I'm wrong or I'm dumb. And It gets very annoying, very quickly. I don't consider myself a genius or intelligent by any means, but I'm not stupid. They need to fuck off. One of them is a fascist asshole who has intentions of becoming a cop, and the other one is a shitty excuse for someone who wants to be an engineer, who crashed his car into a dumpster because he was drunk, while being underage at the time.
I just feel like I have a lot of potential, but I just never feel motivated to do anything. It sucks. I want to do well.
Well what started off as a general question turned out to be a long post about things. And I could go on. And on. And on. Just want to be able to start my life... And be genuinely happy again. I need to rewind 2 years. Maybe I'll finally be happy again.
I am taking zoloft for anxiety but I don't think it's working too well. :/
Also thinking back, how I've been feeling was pretty much the reason I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend last year, who I had been with for a year and some months, and who I did love. But I just couldn't help feeling down towards the end and it was making me miserable and I started distancing myself from her, and then decided it wasn't fair to her, so I ended it. My moods fluctuaste sometimes, feeling very happy and productive, but most of the time I end up with zero motivation to do anything. I need to lose weight. I want to get back into shape. But I can't eat right. I want to go back to my weight of 170 that I was at two years ago..
Earlier in the year I managed to catch up with an old friend, and we had hit it off, constantly texting and flirting. Things were going extremely well and for once I was happy. But then come to find out she was pretty much using me while we were dating for two months and suddenly stopped talking to me. When I confronted her, she gave me a bullshit excuse and told me to lose her number. That kind of hurt. I thought I'd finally gotten somewhere. I guess I felt lonely. And still do, in addition to feeling completely unattractive.
I'm 20, 5 months from turning 21. In college. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I didn't really get the chance to meet new people and party like most of my peers. I stayed local, going to community college, but that really added to my loneliness. I have some friends, but I just sometimes feel like I get included just because. I really regret not applying elsewhere to get away for a while. To get that cliche'd "College Experience". Meet new people and have fun. But I seemingly missed out on all that.
I feel so disconnected from my family. Both the ones I live with in addition to my extended family. I had a family reunion type thing and I just felt out of place. Everything was a (metaphorical) dick measuring contest, with my little brother being in the spotlight because he went to William And Mary, and gets the good grades, while I went to community college. My sister got engaged, so the focus was on her too. I just felt like no one cared about me or my accomplishments. But I guess since I don't have any, it wouldn't have mattered. I hate my other side too. My uncle who lives near me is a complete dick. My grandmother is an annoying hypochondriac who has to make everything about how she's in pain or some other bullshit, and my grandfather is a conservative nutjob and I really dislike talking to him. And people always tell me family ties are important and all that, but I didn't chose to be born into the family. Why do I have to unconditionally love them just because we share genes? Those are on my mother's side. On my father's side, it's all a game of oneupsmanship. And I cannot stand my dad's sister. She is such a bitch, making a big deal about how she has a PhD in business (her fucking dissertation was like 10 fucking pages, ladefuckingda) Shut up. You're annoying.
My sleeping patterns have been all fucked up. Ended up spending a week with my brother and his gf in Illinois (from new jersey normally), so even with the hour time difference, I've been going to sleep around 3-4am and waking up at around 1. And I still feel tired. All the damn time. Which is going to be great when I go back to work. Which reminds me: Fuck my job. Seriously. Fuck retail. I'd been doing full time since march, while doing 17 credits for the spring semester. I never had any time to myself, and I'm just tired of the fucking place. Fucking tired of dealing with pool supplies. Tired of dealing with people who don't fucking have clue. Fucking tired of having Assistant Manager responsibilities, while still being paid a normal sales associate pay. Fuck that.
Oh and I feel like most people don't ever take me seriously. I just feel like people don't ever want to listen to me. Like I'm stupid or something, so they disregard my ideas, which coincidentally happens a lot with my friends for some reason. Because I don't agree with them, some of them like to think I'm wrong or I'm dumb. And It gets very annoying, very quickly. I don't consider myself a genius or intelligent by any means, but I'm not stupid. They need to fuck off. One of them is a fascist asshole who has intentions of becoming a cop, and the other one is a shitty excuse for someone who wants to be an engineer, who crashed his car into a dumpster because he was drunk, while being underage at the time.
I just feel like I have a lot of potential, but I just never feel motivated to do anything. It sucks. I want to do well.
Well what started off as a general question turned out to be a long post about things. And I could go on. And on. And on. Just want to be able to start my life... And be genuinely happy again. I need to rewind 2 years. Maybe I'll finally be happy again.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I've come to the startling realization that I have no joy in my life. I fear that one day I'll be crushed under the weight of my own anguish. I've been told most of my life to make my own luck. An impossible task, it seems. Things never seem to look up. The older I get, the more I believe in fate. I honestly feel some people were placed on this planet to suffer until they expire.
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