Depression

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It is so hard to focus on changing my current situation. Everytime I work on my resume or try to think about focusing on what kind of career I want doubts boil up in my head. I feel so unsure of myself.

Last night I was talking with a guy i met on okcupid and during the conversation online he told me he just ended a 7 year relationship. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Made me think about my own life and how i never ever been in a relationship. ended up telling him i was going to bed to wake up early. I'm glad we didn't talk on the phone or he might have noticed my shock. Being my age i feel like everyone has lived a full life of experiences and i am just trying to get started not even taking the first steps yet.

Went to bed feeling angy at myself and my life as it is so far and how everything before it was a waste. Lying in bed I felt like burning down the house. I am still at home, stuck in a dead end job, no car and no prospects. Ultimately I know this is my fault but a part of me blames my monther, actually I hate her so much. Her own mental problems attributed to my shitty life right now.

Not sure what or how to change. My goal right now is to get out of this job and find one that does not have me talking to customers or the public.
 
This probably belongs in that unemployment thread, but I might have figured out what I want to do for a living so I'm pretty much stopping everything and heading out for a new start. If this doesn't work, well..
 
SmartBase said:
This probably belongs in that unemployment thread, but I might have figured out what I want to do for a living so I'm pretty much stopping everything and heading out for a new start. If this doesn't work, well..
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Wish you the best. Trying to do the same myself.
 
I seriously want a good career with good pay so I can feel better and not to worry about my future. But I'm just not feeling it right now which sucks because I'm way behind on being an adult. I stay home and not worrying about the world. I'm not as smart as anyone around me especially my brothers. I feel like we don't talk that much, sometimes, but not always because of our difference with each other.

I seriously want to get a license so I can look for a job elsewhere that I can reach. This is why I dislike myself since I'm not pushing myself to the limit where I want to say to myself "That's it, if I want to do something that will benefit my change in life, then I should do it" but I don't feel it, I mean I literary don't feel it at all. Right now, I can't even enjoy my summer break. I can play games and watch anime, but I just can't pull myself to do it. I don't want my family to think that this is the only thing I do in my life. That's why I want a career or a job so I can enjoy doing the things I like to do without criticism.
 
MisterLuffy said:
I seriously want a good career with good pay so I can feel better and not to worry about my future. But I'm just not feeling it right now which sucks because I'm way behind on being an adult. I stay home and not worrying about the world. I'm not as smart as anyone around me especially my brothers. I feel like we don't talk that much, sometimes, but not always because of our difference with each other.

I seriously want to get a license so I can look for a job elsewhere that I can reach. This is why I dislike myself since I'm not pushing myself to the limit where I want to say to myself "That's it, if I want to do something that will benefit my change in life, then I should do it" but I don't feel it, I mean I literary don't feel it at all. Right now, I can't even enjoy my summer break. I can play games and watch anime, but I just can't pull myself to do it. I don't want my family to think that this is the only thing I do in my life. That's why I want a career or a job so I can enjoy doing the things I like to do without criticism.
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This is where depression is a bitch - you can't bring yourself to do things, then you beat yourself up for not doing things. It's a terrible cycle. Just realize that, if you need to take some time to focus on getting better, it's not wasted time. And don't try to do everything at once - get better mentally AND find a job AND completely rework your diet AND find time for exercise - this is probably not going to work. Becoming an adult is more of a journey than a destination, if you'll let me be that corny about it. I'm 31, have a kid, am working on my career, and I can't honestly tell you that I feel especially grown up. Life is incredibly complicated and each new phase or major event changes things dramatically. If you've got it all figured out by 18 or 21 or 30, there's a good chance you're full of shit.

I tried to do school, a job, have a family, help my friends, keep up my hobbies AND treat my depression and I managed to basically fuck all of it up. I should have taken time of to get better. I eventually did get better, but things could have gone a lot more smoothly.

Don't beat yourself up. Establish REASONABLE goals for the short, middle, and long term. Don't be afraid to take a little time to fix yourself up, or to just relax every once in a while. Thinking about a career is great, but it's not going to happen instantly and, even then, it probably won't instantly make you happy. Sorry. We all think, "if I can just do THIS, I'll be happy," but then you do that and you find there's some other thing that you're missing. In fact, figuring out what will really make you happy can be a challenge, and it pays to do some serious thinking about it.
 
Bagels said:
This is where depression is a bitch - you can't bring yourself to do things, then you beat yourself up for not doing things. It's a terrible cycle. Just realize that, if you need to take some time to focus on getting better, it's not wasted time. And don't try to do everything at once - get better mentally AND find a job AND completely rework your diet AND find time for exercise - this is probably not going to work. Becoming an adult is more of a journey than a destination, if you'll let me be that corny about it. I'm 31, have a kid, am working on my career, and I can't honestly tell you that I feel especially grown up. Life is incredibly complicated and each new phase or major event changes things dramatically. If you've got it all figured out by 18 or 21 or 30, there's a good chance you're full of shit.

I tried to do school, a job, have a family, help my friends, keep up my hobbies AND treat my depression and I managed to basically fuck all of it up. I should have taken time of to get better. I eventually did get better, but things could have gone a lot more smoothly.

Don't beat yourself up. Establish REASONABLE goals for the short, middle, and long term. Don't be afraid to take a little time to fix yourself up, or to just relax every once in a while. Thinking about a career is great, but it's not going to happen instantly and, even then, it probably won't instantly make you happy. Sorry. We all think, "if I can just do THIS, I'll be happy," but then you do that and you find there's some other thing that you're missing. In fact, figuring out what will really make you happy can be a challenge, and it pays to do some serious thinking about it.
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I'm majoring in Computer Science because I want to make a lot of money and I want to learn more about it in depth. But it's a complicated major and I'm having doubts about it. Even my older brother said the same thing and he's smarter than I am. I keep telling myself "If he thinks it's hard, then what makes me so sure that I will be able to do it". I'm just not as smart as anyone. And when I hear my friends and families success, I feel bummed out about it.
 
LetsGoKiting said:
I'm in a low point in life. Reading all these posts make me feel like it's difficult to get out of a rut.
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Well it's as they say; nothing really worthwhile, comes easy.
In general there are many posts here from people who don't feel like life is worth living. That's okay, but we can always die. All of us. Most of us probably want to die from time to time. Life in general does not seem to care if we are happy or not. That's not really why we are on earth.
But just because you could end it all prematurely, doesn't mean you can't keep fighting the good fight.
The amazing thing, and it's truly the most encouraging thing that can be said; it's all in your head. It's not the world as it is. It's not the other people. It's just in your head.

A woman gets second place in a miss universe contest, so she kills herself. She was only the second most prestigious looking woman in the most prestigious beauty contest in the world. A guy with no arms and legs lives a seemingly happy life.
Victor Frankl's logoteraphy is very interesting. It's worth looking into for anyone who really wants to help themselves. He was a holocaust victim. He lost almost all of his family and friends, yet he managed to program himself to a high mental state despite the atrocities.






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Remember what depression is. Depression is a signal in our brain that tells us that we need to fix something. That something is bothering us. The paradox is arisen when we become immune to act upon the mental pain of the depression. This makes the brain send out even more depression. Know that it's sending a signal for you to fix something.


My personal life philosophy is to treat your day-to-day life as an RPG. Learn new skills and improve on current ones. You must grow as a person. When you grow, you make up more of your character.
Hundreds of years ago, philosophers believed that the human soul had no personality. We just made up things as we went on. That logic is interesting. I think it's an entirely plausiable explanation that we just feel more confident in our own skin if we think we know who we are, and consequentially we think we know who we are when we stand for something, have done something, are something. I am a New York Yankees fan. I like Halo. I think Coke is better than Pepsi. I am good at Basketball. Things like this give us a sense of having a character that is entirely ours.
In reality though we are probably all blank slates that try and fill our own canvases with the brushes of culture. Religion, sport, hobbies, careers, prestigious things, education, family - Whatever we can attach to ourselves give us a sense of being someone, and that seems like a good starting point.

Your a RPG character and you need to get a higher level. Just because you work a shitty job at McDonalds it does not mean you can't get to lvl 22 in burger flipping or lvl 50 in toilet scrubbing. You can max out that shit. You can upgrade your abillities in pick-up-girls, bench pressing and i-train-ufc-bro, or if your a different character class upgrading yourself in educating yourself-on-classic-literature, improving your cooking or go climbing or kayaking.

Even if its completely worthless to you now. Even if you have no interest. Even if it seems like it's the most purposeless thing in the world, do it. Do something. Because it's the process.

If you remain still you will only sink deeper, but if you move and try to come up for air, your body will reward you positively with air bubbles of serotonin and dopamine. if your brain is at capacity, you really might need medicine to kick start it.
But I don't like seeing some people treating psychologists and medicine as a sleeping pillow. those people/pills are amazing, but they cant even get you 10% out of it. they can get your started, but it is YOU and your courage that will it all the way. you will need to face your biggest nightmares by yourself. going to talk to someone who is a patient listninger, wont substitute for you living your life.

So if your sitting at home, crying at night wishing you died - you might not be on the wrong track. Consider it. Consider the possibility that its exactly what you need. That this is part of the journey. Who said - Or where is it written - that the human soul should not have these crisis in their lives? day time TV is full of shit. peoples facebooks walls are full of shit. culture is full of shit.
You only look backwards, that's for sure. That's why you can't know. You can't fucking know. and it's why 9/10 people who have been saved from suicide later explain that they are immensely happy that they were stopped. Be brave and honest with yourself. You already have what you need. That's amazing.

For the first time ever, we have an overclass that is severely depressed. many rich people are horrible miserable despite envy and success from the mainstream culture. So our happiness is not based on those things you might think are making your depressed. your not your job, your career, your education, your bank account, your marriage. your you. whoever the fuck that is. but you are you, and nobody is going to make that person happy except yourself. That's it. That's not what you want to hear because you think it's impossible.
 
I'm not really here to go into much detail, but my mum genuinely thinks I might have depression and wants me to go see a doctor about getting anti-depressants. Apparently clinical depression runs in my family, and there is "high chance" that I could have it to due events in the past I have experienced.

I don't honestly believe I have it, I just feel that i'm in a slump, but then I don't really know for sure. The question I have is, in case I do, how effective are anti-depressants and how reliant do people become on them?
 
neojubei said:
Wish you the best. Trying to do the same myself.
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Thanks, hope all goes well for you too. I swear this shit gets harder and much more tedious the more times you do it and the more depressed you are, I don't think I have the energy after this for more "new starts".
 
Silphonica said:
I'm not really here to go into much detail, but my mum genuinely thinks I might have depression and wants me to go see a doctor about getting anti-depressants. Apparently clinical depression runs in my family, and there is "high chance" that I could have it to due events in the past I have experienced.

I don't honestly believe I have it, I just feel that i'm in a slump, but then I don't really know for sure. The question I have is, in case I do, how effective are anti-depressants and how reliant do people become on them?
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The STAR*D trial is THE big study on antidepressants in the US.

Basically, patients were started on one antidepressant, people who did not become symptom-free were switched to a new medication or had a second medication added. Here's a summary of the trial:

"In conclusion, about half of participants in the STAR*D study became symptom-free after two treatment levels. Over the course of all four treatment levels, almost 70 percent of those who did not withdraw from the study became symptom-free. However, the rate at which participants withdrew from the trial was meaningful and rose with each level—21 percent withdrew after level 1, 30 percent withdrew after level 2 and 42 percent withdrew after level 3."

It's hard to say how long someone will need to stay on antidepressants. Generally, you're looking at 6 months to a year, although some people will probably need to take medications for life.

There are various screening tools to determine if you have clinical depression. If you are not experiencing symptoms that are significantly impacting your daily life, or if your symptoms haven't lasted for at least two weeks, you probably don't want to think about starting a medication yet. There are risks and side effects associated with any medication, and the side effects with antidepressants can be particularly nasty. See what the doc says.
 
Dr Eggman said:
I think I'm starting to get depressed again. I'm getting an urge to cry.
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Cry. Scream into a pillow, and cry. It will feel so much better when you do. When serious shit is going down, nobody thinks less of you for shedding some tears. It's hard to look at life optimistically when its trying it's hardest to keep you down. But when you do, that's true strength, I think anyway.
 
Feeling a bit of rage at myself at how I put myself here. I wish I could just go back in time and take a much better major than Communications. I did some work on my resume last night and my sister decided to show me hers to help me out. It made me even more depressed as she is a project manager and before that worked for various construction companies so her resume is filled with accomplishments. I work for a call center and i deal with people having temper tantrums everyday. there is no accomplishment in that. My resume can only be as basic as my shitty job. My online friend suggested I go for another CSR position because I have the experience, I do not want another customer service position. I wanted to scream. Its as though life wants to keep me here. I do not know what i want to do but I do know i cannot stay in this place any longer. Ive wasted 8 years here and i am not going to stay for another 8 years. It seems no one i talk to even understand me. I am staring to see people like the shitty customers I deal with each day. On the train, bus, or where ever, if someone bumps me or just annoys me I want to rage on them. I often have to catch myself before I do anything stupid. I feel like i am an inch from being an raging mess. Often times ive heard people say do not take what customers say personally and 8 years ago i didn't but it builds and builds and builds all the belittling comments, swearing, etc. I do not think I can take anymore.
 
neojubei said:
Feeling a bit of rage at myself at how I put myself here. I wish I could just go back in time and take a much better major than Communications. I did some work on my resume last night and my sister decided to show me hers to help me out. It made me even more depressed as she is a project manager and before that worked for various construction companies so her resume is filled with accomplishments.
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Stop comparing yourself to your sister! Or anyone else.

You have a major - Be happy. Everyone wants to go back in time and change many things. But you did what you did with the knowledge you had at the time. THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. Why are you even wasting energy thinking about something that you will never be able to change?

Learn from it. Take a step back and look at realistically. You have a fucking a major. You fucking have some skills. It might not be your number one FUCKING THING that you want to do, but do you even have the slightest consideration or thought for all those who don't even have that.
If you had your sisters credentials, you would look at someone else who dwarfs your sisters accomplishment and then the ball is rolling in a spiral. It leads to fucking nowhere. You can't compare shit because your shit is not the finished product. Everything can change in an instant, but not if you play the victim.
Sometimes people need love and conciliation, but other times they become enabled by people thinking they are weak.


I work for a call center and i deal with people having temper tantrums everyday. there is no accomplishment in that. My resume can only be as basic as my shitty job.
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I worked in a call center too. I hated it, so I understand your pain. You can either run towards your pain or away from it.
Have you thought about the possibility that you have stayed within that shitty job for all those years because you where running away from the possibility of having no job, safe zone and a life full of uncertainty? Lots of people choose to live in misery because it's safer than letting go of your safe zone.
It is scary, but you know what you have to do. You have to change something about your shitty job. Either fix the shit you dont like. Like working in a different department with lesser angry people, or find a new job. That's all there is to it. Fix it, or leave and find something better. If your standing in pain, why do you remain still?`
INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS - EINSTEIN



My online friend suggested I go for another CSR position because I have the experience, I do not want another customer service position. I wanted to scream. Its as though life wants to keep me here. I do not know what i want to do but I do know i cannot stay in this place any longer. Ive wasted 8 years here and i am not going to stay for another 8 years.

It seems no one i talk to even understand me. I am staring to see people like the shitty customers I deal with each day. On the train, bus, or where ever, if someone bumps me or just annoys me I want to rage on them. I often have to catch myself before I do anything stupid. I feel like i am an inch from being an raging mess. Often times ive heard people say do not take what customers say personally and 8 years ago i didn't but it builds and builds and builds all the belittling comments, swearing, etc. I do not think I can take anymore.
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Life doesn't care. Your the only one who has kept your there. Your not going to stay there another 8 years. Good. Be true to yourself and follow up on the things you intend to do. Keep your promises to yourself.
Your rage is a projection of your own unhappy life. Like all people who have emotional break downs and anger issues, surplus can only be expected from the strong.





And for FFS - Don't regret, regret. Do you want all video games to be easy?? Don't you see - The only thing making video games possible is the obsticles. You can't - I fucking repeat - YOU CAN'T play a video game with no obsticles. There is no winning without failure, there is no happiness without pain. Life is just a game, so accept it. You have spent way to long being sad about how hard this game is. You can find cheat codes and try to bypass some of these obsticales. You can remain static at the early levels and fight the low level bosses and repeat your safe patterns.

But you can't cheat yourself. You will never be satisfied with yourself until you level up. You need to level up and fight bigger monsters, learn new skills and advance to higher levels. You need to keep getting defeated.
Keep playing. You got lots of tools in your backpack. Meditation, martial arts, medicine, traveling, music, education, family, friends, entertainment, books, volunteer work. You can do a gazillion things right now.


You won't know what true regret is until you are old and realize that you wasted your life because you were running away from the pain. that's regret.


You already halfway there. You know you need to fix your sitation with your unhappiness at work. That's major. That's significant. Do it. If you can't stop procrastinating - Just sit back and write down all your options.


quit job - get another degree? - if so, what? if so, how long? if so, is it really what i want? weigh the pros and cons.

New job - what fields -? is it realistic you could get something you want? pros and cons

fix current job - what could fix it? what is the pros and cons? asking bos? talk to coworker? try to change approach with customers? fix mindset?



So already there you have LOTS of options! Don't pretend you don't.
 
I'm looking for help and I'm not sure what route to go down, psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker. I think I may need meds. Not even sure where to find these people because the web doesn't make it easy and I want to make sure they have a good reputation but there are no reviews and the better their reputation the harder it will be to become a patient.
 
mooooose said:
I'm looking for help and I'm not sure what route to go down, psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker. I think I may need meds. Not even sure where to find these people because the web doesn't make it easy and I want to make sure they have a good reputation but there are no reviews and the better their reputation the harder it will be to become a patient.
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Just give your local general practice doctor a call and ask if they can treat depression.
 
It sucks feeling like you have no one to turn to for support. I came out to my parents with my depression problem a few months ago and while they acted superficially supportive at first, they've never offered to help financially with therapy (I can't believe how ridiculously expensive it is even with insurance) and they've barely acknowledged my depression since. They act as though the fact that I have a low-paying job is the source of all my problems and do nothing but push me to work towards a higher paying job by getting Microsoft certifications or taking classes to become an administrative assistant or project manager or whatever the fuck.....I don't even know what those are but the words alone bore the shit out of me. Oh and they are willing to chip in for those classes. My inability to get a better job is just one effect of my broader personal problems, not the other way around. I don't lay awake at night sometimes wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up because of the size of my paycheck.

I get where they're coming from to an extent, but I don't know if it's from a selfish desire to not have to tell friends/relatives "Yeah my 30 year old college educated son works in a call center" anymore, or out of denial of the fact that my personal life could be, possibly irreparably, so fucked up. Either way, their show of "support" by pushing for nothing but getting a better paying cubicle-monkey job just reinforces my fear that it's too late to hope for anything better in life or to make up for having missed out on a real youth.

And good or bad, my friend of 8 years is moving out of town and our friendship as I know it is pretty much over. She moved back into town a year and a half ago and we've been hanging out more than ever, and been closer than ever, since then. She's the only real friend I've made since junior high and it's going to feel like a huge part of my life is just ripped away once she's gone, but I feel like my focus on hanging out with her and socializing the past year has led me to neglect attempting to move forward in life. With her gone I'm going to try to focus on making changes that I didn't have the time nor the motivation to make while hanging out with her, but the 'what' and the 'how' are big questions, and it's going to feel awfully lonely with her gone.
 
Demon, I've never got the chance to say it, but I've been reading your posts for years and you have a great sense of humor and your outlook on the things is often level headed when others are not. Despite never conversing with you, even on the forum, it makes me legitimately sad to see you depressed and knowing that is a part of your character makes me sad. I wish the best for you dude.
 
If my depression bros are willing to travel to the Boston area and try something wacky, visit Yefim Shubentsov, aka The Mad Russian.

Yeah, yeah, he's mumbo jumbo, whatever. But he's gotten too many results to ignore. For every person that says it's a "scam" (a big, $65 scam), there are 5 that say he cured their depression, or their addiction, or their anxiety.

You're not risking that much money, and it's a new experience.

I've never gone to him -- I suffered from really bad depression up till recently, but in the last 5-6 years I've been better. I don't know if it's because that's about how long I've been living with my girlfriend/now wife, and maybe the sense of responsibility keeps me from dipping back in.

I still get it less intensely sometimes, and I feel it might be seasonal.

Anyway, I might go visit Shubentsov for another issue -- trouble focusing/motivating myself, which I've also had since I was little.
 
Vigilant Walrus said:
snip.
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Yeah I know I need to change this job and its only me that keeping my life like this. I just have to work my mind body and soul. I'm going to finalize my resume and write up some cover letters and email them out. Hopefully in the next coming weeks i will start doing interviews.
 
neojubei said:
Yeah I know I need to change this job and its only me that keeping my life like this. I just have to work my mind body and soul. I'm going to finalize my resume and write up some cover letters and email them out. Hopefully in the next coming weeks i will start doing interviews.
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I'm happy to see a more positive you man.

What types of jobs will you be looking into? :)
 
Xun said:
I'm happy to see a more positive you man.

What types of jobs will you be looking into? :)
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That's the issue. I don't know. I don't have a skill for one type of job which is why I landed in this call center hell. I want to do computer programming I guess. Seems like the job market is going in that I direction. I want as little interaction with people the better. Thinking about going and getting another BA but in computer science though I do not want to spend x number at this job while going back to school. I want a less stressful job like a mail room job or work in a library. I really am afraid I am going to rage on someone someday the longer I stay here. There is absolutely no way I could make my current job better which is unfortunate. The cushy easy jobs are taken by family members of managers or friends of managers. The only way to actually get a cushy position is to suck up to management. The thing is those people in the cushy positions effect my job. They work in the background adding customer info into the database or applying payments or little things like that the problem is they don't pay attention or maybe don't care so their mistakes creates more angry calls I have to answer. But customers are also the issue as well because they don't even read the stuff my company sends them calls up screams and we have to calm them down and literally have to read to them what we sent then they go "oh" I should have read that more closely goodbye. Not even an "I'm sorry". People like that need to jump off a cliff.

Sorry for ranting. I'm at work now and my mind and body have to prepare for this shitty day and try to not explode on anyone or walk out the door. Everyday I am tempted to just smash everything on my desk.

Sometimes it would be nice to just die in my sleep and I don't have to worry about anything again.
 
Can I take a short break from trying to be helpful and positive to say the following:

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I'd also like to preemptively apologize if any of you are interested in neuroscience, and a short time from now, you pick up a textbook and there's one chapter that seems like it was written by a team consisting of a) non-native English speakers b) one really dumb guy and c) a depressed, overworked, in over his head, absolutely pushing the deadline, needs to see 3-4 different types of doctors, sleep-deprived lunatic, I'm just really sorry for being guy c, and potentially guy b. But we've got one guy WAY dumber than I am so I'm really only going to take credit for c, and, depending on what I find in the medicine/liquor cabinet(s), maybe joining team a for a few hours.

In my defense, I'm not getting paid, this is ruining my life, and I'm not even supposed to be in graduate school any more. I thought that long nightmare was over. Also, I'm not supposed to be in the clinic right now either, but I keep getting dragged back into that as well. This is entirely my fault, first world problems and all that, and on and on, but it still sucks and I can't guarantee we're all going to get out of this alive.

I'll get back to providing NeoGAF platinum members with their web-based e-medical insurance coverage by, let's say Saturday. Also, consider upgrading from platinum, because if this is the kind of medical coverage you're getting, even if it's free, you're getting screwed.
 
So it's come to this. Docpan's seeing a shrink.

Why? Because I've become an alcohol-abusing, drug-using, manic-depressive, caffeine-fueled rage machine. Yes, worse than ever. I've surpassed MY limit, which is pretty fucking high.

The doctor's diagnosis is that I'm suffering from bi-polar disorder, I inherited it from my parents, and certain conditions in my life right now have pushed me over the edge. The best I can describe it is that I will feel literally invincible at times, followed by some zoning out, followed by rage/sadness/isolation. This continues in an endless cycle every day, and I've been suffering from anxiety attacks. Essentially, the walls feel like they're closing in on me and I have to BAIL OUT at that moment at any cost. There's no rhyme or reason to my rationality anymore, and I break a lot of shit.

I've always enjoyed getting plastered, but as of late I've been using it to self-medicate, and just like everything else I take it to the extreme. I got physically chucked out of a bar last weekend for being a belligerent asshole (someone called me 'gay' for fist pumping and I flipped shit, refusing to let it go. Not proud of it, let's just say tables were upended).

So I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. I have an appointment next week to talk about medication. From what I read, a lot of bi-polar meds have the side effect of weight gain. If that's the case, I may as well not even go, because I would sooner flush them and turn into a shit-flinging maniac then risk gaining flab.

People get a kick out of reading about my antics, but it's starting to get out of hand. I'm only in control of myself half the time. It's time to take care of this shit.

Two questions for the rest of you pill-poppers:

1) Will it affect my sexual performance?

and

2) Can I still take a hella shitload of caffeine and bodybuilding supplements?
 
Docpan said:
So it's come to this. Docpan's seeing a shrink.

Why? Because I've become an alcohol-abusing, drug-using, manic-depressive, caffeine-fueled rage machine. Yes, worse than ever. I've surpassed MY limit, which is pretty fucking high.

The doctor's diagnosis is that I'm suffering from bi-polar disorder, I inherited it from my parents, and certain conditions in my life right now have pushed me over the edge. The best I can describe it is that I will feel literally invincible at times, followed by some zoning out, followed by rage/sadness/isolation. This continues in an endless cycle every day, and I've been suffering from anxiety attacks. Essentially, the walls feel like they're closing in on me and I have to BAIL OUT at that moment at any cost. There's no rhyme or reason to my rationality anymore, and I break a lot of shit.

I've always enjoyed getting plastered, but as of late I've been using it to self-medicate, and just like everything else I take it to the extreme. I got physically chucked out of a bar last weekend for being a belligerent asshole (someone called me 'gay' for fist pumping and I flipped shit, refusing to let it go. Not proud of it, let's just say tables were upended).

So I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. I have an appointment next week to talk about medication. From what I read, a lot of bi-polar meds have the side effect of weight gain. If that's the case, I may as well not even go, because I would sooner flush them and turn into a shit-flinging maniac then risk gaining flab.

People get a kick out of reading about my antics, but it's starting to get out of hand. I'm only in control of myself half the time. It's time to take care of this shit.

Two questions for the rest of you pill-poppers:

1) Will it affect my sexual performance?

and

2) Can I still take a hella shitload of caffeine and bodybuilding supplements?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't say I'm an expert or anything but I think the ones that cause the most weight gain are the antipsychotic drugs and I would tell you not to take them ever unless well you became psychotic. They have nasty side effects like tardive dyskinesia and have been shown to cause brain atrophy after prolonged use.

Caffeine causes hypomania in a lot of bipolar people. It's pretty awesome if I do say so myself but your doctor might tell you to stop or at least cut back.

I can't say anything about the bodybuilding supplements.

Good luck man. My advice is find an outlet, anything that can help bring you up that's not drugs or alcohol.
 
Docpan said:
So it's come to this. Docpan's seeing a shrink.

Why? Because I've become an alcohol-abusing, drug-using, manic-depressive, caffeine-fueled rage machine. Yes, worse than ever. I've surpassed MY limit, which is pretty fucking high.

The doctor's diagnosis is that I'm suffering from bi-polar disorder, I inherited it from my parents, and certain conditions in my life right now have pushed me over the edge. The best I can describe it is that I will feel literally invincible at times, followed by some zoning out, followed by rage/sadness/isolation. This continues in an endless cycle every day, and I've been suffering from anxiety attacks. Essentially, the walls feel like they're closing in on me and I have to BAIL OUT at that moment at any cost. There's no rhyme or reason to my rationality anymore, and I break a lot of shit.

I've always enjoyed getting plastered, but as of late I've been using it to self-medicate, and just like everything else I take it to the extreme. I got physically chucked out of a bar last weekend for being a belligerent asshole (someone called me 'gay' for fist pumping and I flipped shit, refusing to let it go. Not proud of it, let's just say tables were upended).

So I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. I have an appointment next week to talk about medication. From what I read, a lot of bi-polar meds have the side effect of weight gain. If that's the case, I may as well not even go, because I would sooner flush them and turn into a shit-flinging maniac then risk gaining flab.

People get a kick out of reading about my antics, but it's starting to get out of hand. I'm only in control of myself half the time. It's time to take care of this shit.

Two questions for the rest of you pill-poppers:

1) Will it affect my sexual performance?

and

2) Can I still take a hella shitload of caffeine and bodybuilding supplements?
Click to expand...

Okay, the chance to give psychiatric advice to Docpan makes this all worth it. Also, this is a genuine service to society at large. I'm going to take these good vibes and just write like crazy!

So, okay, seeing a shrink sounds like a great idea. What you describe sounds a LOT like the classical picture of bipolar disorder. Congratulations! Welcome to the world of mental illness. The relationship between alcohol or drug abuse and any form of mental illness is impressive - the popular theory is that psych patients like to self-medicate. Nicotine and alcohol are the most popular mood-regulators, but you'll find a mix of everything from caffeine to heroin. And if you abuse one substance, chances are you abuse another. I'd drop some science on you, but let's get right to the questions!

1.) Maybe. Sexual side-effects are common with psych medications. Some are worse than others. They're getting better at managing this. Wellbutrin has low sexual side effects and is even given in addition to other drugs to alleviate sexual side effects. Be frank with your doctor about your concern. It will probably help steer initial treatment recommendations.

2.) I wouldn't. I'm looking at the relationship between caffeine and depression RIGHT NOW, so you're in luck. I'm rapidly becoming an expert. First of all, if you take a ton of caffeine, coming off of it can give you symptoms of both depression and anxiety. On the other hand, consumption of large amounts of caffeine leads to something called "caffeinism,' which, surprisingly has exactly the same effects. So how does that make sense? As it turns out, we understand caffeine really well, and it's pretty simple, pharmacologically. Caffeine blocks adenosine A1 and A2A receptors. Adenosine builds up when you're awake and, acting on A2A receptors, makes you sleepy. So block the receptor and you don't feel sleepy. The problem is that A1 and A2A receptors have the exact opposite effects. So depending on your dose of adenosine/caffeine, you can get opposite effects.

So caffeine obviously affects mood. Does adenosine signalling have something to do with depression? Yes! But, it's complicated, which is why there aren't any specific adenosine receptor drugs for psychiatric conditions...yet. If you just give rats adenosine, it has an antidepressant effect. Unless, of course, it makes them depressed, which some other researchers have reported.

A2A blockers might make good antidepressants and, a few months ago, there was a report that drugs that specifically STIMULATE A1 receptors may make good antidepressants. There's all this complex reaction with glutamate, GABA, opioids, dopamine, serotonin - it's a mess. That's why this was all hot shit until about 2004, when all the interest seems to have dried up. Give it another ten years.

Side note - tricyclics bind to adenosine receptors which may explain why they can hurt your heart - aside from caffeine, adenosine is famous as one of the drugs you shoot into people who are dying from specific heart problems.

Drugs like soma also affect your adenosine levels, which may explain why they help with pain, but that's a mess too.

Anyway, alcohol + caffeine is a bad idea. That's known for sure. Basically, adenosine receptors help your body tell when you're reaching toxic levels of alcohol and you need to puke and shut down. Block the receptors with caffeine and your body thinks things are great and you die of alcohol poisoning. You see this in the ER quite commonly, apparently.

As to your other supplements? I'm guessing we're not talking about FDA-approved substances? Then, we could at least look up known interactions. As it is, it's a crapshoot if you're taking some crazy supplement. You could end up with serotonin syndrome and die, so that's no good. Or you could block metabolism of your meds and they could build up to toxic levels and kill you.

Take a list of EVERYTHING you're taking to your doctor. He or she will probably be horrified and tell you to back off of just about everything.

Here's a good cautionary tale: everyone was gung-ho on vitamin E as this amazing cure-all that would extend your life. So people took massive doses and planned to live forever. But, oops, it turns out taking vitamin E supplements is associated with INCREASED mortality. The science just isn't in for most supplements, even things like vitamins that you'd figure we'd have sorted out by now.

Are you going to gain weight? Possibly. If you keep working out, probably not. Most people with psychiatric conditions are pretty sedentary, so that's your baseline when looking at side effects. Some drugs will make you crazy hungry OR make you not want to eat. Again, tell your doctor your concerns and they'll tailor your treatment, hopefully.

I hope that was both boring and helpful. If nothing else, that brain dump on adenosine was good for ME.

You can ask me about specific drugs and I can look them up, tell you what I know. I'll bill your insurance.

Back to work!
 
Bad habits engage.

getting crunk earlier in the week followed by starting up smoking the rest of my pack of cigs ive owned for years but never really smoked any

I've done absolutely nothing this week and i hate myself. I don't want to go to bed anymore and I also don't want to be awake.

I really want to get some good weed instead of the shitty spice I had lying around and some bourbon and forget what a waste of life i am.

To be honest I really want some mdma or mdpv or something harder. Like so badly.

10mg of prozac doesn't help.
 
I'm now on low dose citalopram for 4 weeks, if it doesn't work the dose goes higher.

I fail to understand how these pills will make me happier, but here's hoping.

Edit: Tess - taking meth/ampthetamine and mdma/mdpv will leave you feeling worse after you come down.
 
Silphonica said:
I'm now on low dose citalopram for 4 weeks, if it doesn't work the dose goes higher.

I fail to understand how these pills will make me happier, but here's hoping.
Click to expand...

Most (antidepressants) pills are supposed to alter your brain chemistry functions as to attain "normality". So they won't ever make someone happy. They try to help you manage to have the chance of being happy.

And I hope they do. And I hope you manage.
 
I honestly feel that happiness is not in the cards for certain people. I think I may be one of those people. I wish everyone happiness, but I try to be realistic. Maybe everyone has the capacity for happiness, but not everyone can house such an emotion.
 
Not sure if I'm technically depressed, or just in a less than desirable place now. I am an (aspiring) comedian, though, so it kind of comes with the territory I suppose.
 
JCX said:
Not sure if I'm technically depressed, or just in a less than desirable place now. I am an (aspiring) comedian, though, so it kind of comes with the territory I suppose.
Click to expand...

people find me funny in a cynical kind of way
you could run with it
 
JCX said:
Not sure if I'm technically depressed, or just in a less than desirable place now. I am an (aspiring) comedian, though, so it kind of comes with the territory I suppose.
Click to expand...

I've found that I'm more funny when I'm bitter or depressed, it kind of sucks.

I've been feeling useless as of late. I don't know what I want to do though. I work and have a good circle of friends, but I feel as if I do nothing. I don't know if it is normal to feel this way at all at 19. I feel as if I should have accomplished more or done something with my life up to this point. I feel as if the world would be no different if I had never existed, no better or worse. I'm that worthless. I don't know what I can do though, I desperately for some reason want to prove myself. I hate this feeling and don't know how to shake it.
 
Wow! I had no idea GAF was also one of those sites that had the "lounge" or off topic threads filling up with numerous and similar complaints of all sorts of mental health issues. First, I am not a doctor, but pretty much as close to one as you can get without being one. I took the kinesiology route and ended up getting a Master of health promotion online while working full time in forensic mental health...bascially I was a recreation therapist and correctional programs officer now for 14 years...just turned 40.

I had mild forms of almost all of what people descirbe on here, and I have had extreme experperience with more than several of the tougher cases.....and was suicidal 2-3 different times in my life...usually over girlfriends and feeling like Iwas a screw up and not normal and no one liked me. This was mostly a problem only when I was younger. I eventually got into phys-ed in university and dedicated my life to helping others,,,even if all i could serve as was a poor example....That was my dad's advice as he was also in dire straights when he was younger......He said, it can never get so bad that you can not serve as a poor example to others. Hardy har har.

I am marreid and have my own child as well as a step child (wife had previous marriage fall apart.) Although life is tough...it never gets better people......cancer, divorce, greehouse effect, nuclear war, etc. etc. etc. never goes away...but your attitude to it all will change over time...those people who are suicidal early on and overcome it like i did have the least problems later...nothing phases me anymore....Even if my marriage were to brake down.....my intial response would be that it just didn't work out, not "I am a fuckin loser oh fuck poor me!" My sister just lost her 150k / year marketing related job with an oil company...her new husband makes 200-300k a year as a power broker...she is alcoholic and depressed and suicidal even so it can happen to anyone anytime....we found out she was raped by my best friend's dad, also our mail man, and she didn't tell anyone teh extend of what happened unilt now, and she has PTSD as a result of being robbed shortly after losing her job. I can't impress on her that its no big deal and that I suffered just as much or worse over my time because she is only now in her late 30's experiencing wht many of you are getting now in your youth.

The sad reality is that this stuff can creep back in a t any time when your own self image takes a hit...divorce, lose a job etc. The good news is that you learn over time that very few people NEVER have to deal with mood issues...its pretty univerrsal.....you re not the only one with thw issues you feel are so particular to you...sure everyone's story is a little different...I have helped hundreds of patient/inmates over my career and let me say that even Docpan is not so krazzy that what I am reading here is surpeising to me iinthe least...once you have spoken to someone that has chopped up his girlfriend and had sex with the pelvis 9 times before it started ot stink adn he threw all piences in a suitcase and sent the parts down the river.....then you are not surprised by behaviour less abnormal. He didn't see naythign wrong with his behaviour BTW...my opinion was respected, but not agreed with when i said that his behaviour mightbe considered a little abnormal.

I didn't read the whole thread but most options for recovery were listed in the first few pages and the last few....here is my experienced analysis on which steps to take in order of importance:

1.) push your ass. Sounds harsh, but chopping wood will cure a very large percentage of these issues. The "we re no different genticially than cave people" crowd are correct....we are cut out for exercise...and unless you are a professional hockey or football player you are aren't meeting the demand our bodies are designed for. Ironically, even the professional sprts guys with their $$$ and exercise still get suicidal at times...so no panaceas or utopias neither. If you are 350 pounds plus like my brother, and it hurts your joints to move off the couch...tough it out until you can get in a pool...there are no excuses here. Maybe you are depressed, maybe not....you won't know unlless you get up off your ass and do some exercise...this won't cure everyone....but then at lest you know you got more serious problems....I NEVER feel like doing exercise, but ironically it makes me feel better most times even if its the LAST thing i FEEL like doing. George costanza was a wise man...sometimes just doingthe opposite of what we feel will make all the difference....I have at least one co-worker that said I changed her life while mentioningthe fact that our body is not physicallly tired when we have not done anything but mind work all day....you jsut FEEL tired ffrom using your brain, but our brain gets to RELAX the harder we push our body toward exercise. She is now a mararthoner and credits my wellness newsletter which i thought no one read ...and she tells me this 6 years after a i wrote it.... I thought what I wrote was obvious....Exercise doesn't have to be fun to woork but it helps...try lots of different forms to find the mode that you enjoy...but don't expect to enjoy it at first...takes 2 weeksto 2 months to get some major good mood gains at times.....but for me.....it makes me feel better immediately after as I know it was what my body needed..

2.) read up on Cog. therapy...i will post a few keywords for you to look up yourself in the wiki....but you will feel better if you find some good stuff on your own...just be mindful that online or a doctor office you will run into misinformation, corrupption, people that will take advantage of you despite this not ebing a good time for you, etc. so shop around. If you trust my opinion, Rational Emotive Behaviour therapy (REBT) is one of the more respected versions...the founder Albert Ellis is in most psych textbooks and his New York institute has branched out all over the place....all becuase he was a neurotic spaz who not only could not get a date, he couldn't even speak to a woman he was so anxious and nervous. The fact that he pulled himself out of this using "baby steps" (I am not sure how anyone can not augh at Bill murray in 'What about Bob' depressed or not) is even more reason to beleive if he can do it, anyone can. Some people naturally speak this way and hence they are the people you hate walking around like flanders that don't appear to have any problems....ironically, flanders types are thinking outside reality and will fall just as hard when their bubble bursts with reality....reality is your friend....its not so bad, but its not so good either.

Advantages: it is the gold standard and being good at COg therapy means you WILL be better...no ifs ands or buts.....

Challenges: .........but you have to believe the good things you tell yourself inside your head...if you don't...its just flluff....at first......you may need meds to help you get there......but even those that don't "get it" are practicing the thinking processes that will eventually become automatic....everyone knows that a concert pianist or a guitar player etc can automatize their chords and stuff after doing it a million times....same is true for positive thinking...you have to tell yourself a million times that things really are positive, adn that there is hope, sometimes before it becomes a reality for you. Cog therpay doesn't take away problems, it just helps you reframe your perception of reality. DON'T confuse this as taking LSD or mushrooms.....you can do it without getting paranoid for the rest of your days NATURALLY in your head...mushrooms are not naturally occuring in our body, same as arsenic and poison berries. Marijuana is relatively innocuous, but still a hallucinogen and should be avoided at all costs if you have mood issues.

@ Docpan, I hve been diagnosed bipolar my whole life off and on......caffeine is the first on your list to get rid of...you have an obvious and admitted problem with impulsivity...any stimulant, or even some depressants like alcohol make it worse...plain and simple...Its hard enough to do this stuff clean....almost impossible otherwise...medications have side effects but not as extreme asthe drugs you mention...even caffeine. As a "jock" body type myself you should have no problem exercising off any weight gains....mood stabalizers rarely make you fat. I took valproic acid (spelling and trade name may vary) and it was hardly noticeable ...but magically once it built up in my system I had no more impulsivity and naturally started making better decisions...usually indecision, which was WAAAAY better than being impulsive. You may not even genetically have the bi-polar as bad as you think....but you will never know unless you clean yourself up completely.

3,) Which brings tothe third point:

Get off street drugs!!!!!!! THis includes cafeine and alcohol and nictotine even, although this is usually the last to go. Medications are different as they are very specific and do very specific things! Trust science to tell you what to ingest and science says not to ingest street drugs..its not a conspiracy....most of the reason is that this shit wrecks sleep...no one can be normal without proper sleep. Get good meds that help...not thte shit that is promted by the miracle of merchandizing and worse street thugs. Watch drugs inc. on national georgraphic channel...comprehensive,

4.) Get a proper sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your circadian rhythm isthe most important rythm in your life...cahnces are if you are depresssed you are not getting proper sleep...in either of two cycles....slow wave is the first while you are just going to sleep...should last 3-4 hours with not waking...if you do, its not proper. REM is the 2nd stage where you can remember your dreams etc. NApping can recover REM but not SLOW wave. This is a multipage topic in itself, but auraviva.com is a start ...hopefully they do not charge yet (just starting up.) Otheriwse look up circadian rhythms onthe wiki.

5.) Nutrition - you are what you eat...if you eat shit your will feel like shit...couldn't be more simple. Unfortunatley, if you ahve extreme problems, proper nutrition will not likley reverse it, but this could help.

If these top five health promo tips do not work for you, ie.e you really are successful at being near perfect in these five areas ....get more or different professional help....continue todo these things while you sort out your medical issues....I haven't perfected these areas, cog therapy is a life long task...but without these, I would not feel normal enough to get the help when i might need it.
 
Has anyone majored in Computer Science? I'm having major crisis, but I chose Computer Science right out of the bat. Has anyone majored in Computer Science? My dad keeps telling me to become a doctor, but idk. This is my other depressing feeling because major is the only thing I have in making my life more meaningful. I feel useless in this world. What's worse is that I didn't even get my dad anything for fathers day. Some son I am.
 
MisterLuffy said:
Has anyone majored in Computer Science? I'm having major crisis, but I chose Computer Science right out of the bat. Has anyone majored in Computer Science? My dad keeps telling me to become a doctor, but idk. This is my other depressing feeling because major is the only thing I have in making my life more meaningful. I feel useless in this world. What's worse is that I didn't even get my dad anything for fathers day. Some son I am.
Click to expand...

Happened to me once too. Just get a nice thoughtfull present and tell him you're sorry you missed fathers day. Just get that done and you'll feel better.
 
MisterLuffy said:
Has anyone majored in Computer Science? I'm having major crisis, but I chose Computer Science right out of the bat. Has anyone majored in Computer Science? My dad keeps telling me to become a doctor, but idk. This is my other depressing feeling because major is the only thing I have in making my life more meaningful. I feel useless in this world. What's worse is that I didn't even get my dad anything for fathers day. Some son I am.
Click to expand...
Beyond Falch's excellent advice, there are many Computer Science majors here on GAF. I confess, I was Computer Engineering/Electrical Engineering, but for the purposes of this discussion, allow me the slight discrepancy. = D

Computer Science (and programming in general), if you're suited for the task, is a remarkably fulfilling field. Writing code, writing algorithms, is an entirely unique blend of creativity and analytical skills, a riddle with infinite answers, a field where the questions themselves are ofttimes unknown. The field grants upon you a type of wizardry, for the world is run on computers, and so few really know anything about how they work...but you will, just snap your fingers, you made a script using regular expressions to intelligently update a database, snap your fingers, you created a clever way of expressing data to illuminate a topic.

On the other hand, while being a doctor can be very fulfilling, it's not roses-and-dances. My father is one; I should know. He works very hard, 60+ hour workweeks, and has to deal very often with malpractice suits and horrible insurance company policies; he often can't give the treatment he feels is fully correct. Meanwhile, your journey there will comprise another six to ten years of schooling, during which you will likely accrue near or over a hundred thousand dollars in debt.

It's your decision...do as you like. How can parents be ashamed of a computer scientist, anyway? That's dope as fuck.

(And pardon the poetic leanings in this post; I am reading some very interesting prose at the moment, and I'm afraid it is showing through me.)
 
Today, I'm having a full flight or fight panic response, for no reason. I'm literally not worried about any particular thing, but I feel queasy, my heart rate is elevated and I want to run away.

I really hate my brain sometimes.
 
MisterLuffy said:
Has anyone majored in Computer Science? I'm having major crisis, but I chose Computer Science right out of the bat. Has anyone majored in Computer Science? My dad keeps telling me to become a doctor, but idk. This is my other depressing feeling because major is the only thing I have in making my life more meaningful. I feel useless in this world. What's worse is that I didn't even get my dad anything for fathers day. Some son I am.
Click to expand...

I got my Honors Bachelors degree in Software Engineering last year, and it's a great field to get into. It can be rewarding, well paid, great hours, even better benefits, and you can pretty much solve any problem, or work on any project you can imagine. The scope of employment within the industry is incredible too, anything from Analysis, Design, Marketing, Development, Consultancy and beyond.

Also, likely any company you'd get working with after college will be a multinational, which will open up doors most other industries can only dream of. Imagine being able to relocate somewhere else in the world, with a life already set up for you with regards to employment, relocation assistance etc.

You're not making the wrong choice buddy :)
 
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