PumpkinPie
Banned
Urghh I'm back. After 4 months of being free I'm back in the fucking hole again.
Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Thanks for sharing. Your life (at least the early years of it) sounds eerily similar to mine.
I'm just saying, but
I second this, sadly enough.
We're here to help you, not here to make everything even worse. Ultimately, unchangeably worse.
Collete
Member
possibly, I'm going to jump off a bridge tomorrow, seems to be suicide point where I live so I'll give it a shot. just hope I don't survive like one guy and end up in hospital
Collete
Member
Why do you even want to jump?
scar tissue
Banned
Guys.
Please don't jump. You might live to regret it and wake up in a wheelchair.
Even if you succeed in killing yourself, you have a few seconds of free fall, where you might come to the agonizing conclusion that you shouldn't have jumped.
Please don't jump. You might live to regret it and wake up in a wheelchair.
Even if you succeed in killing yourself, you have a few seconds of free fall, where you might come to the agonizing conclusion that you shouldn't have jumped.
I'm laughing because that's exactly what happened to me and I'm pretty sure that's the reason I'm so fucked up. I don't really want to blame my parents, but yeah, they're the reason I'm like this.
Right now, I'm back at being my old cold and emotionally detached self. Don't know if this is a good thing, but I've been feeling great for the past few weeks. I just hope I don't get depressed again,
I probably will.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
I don't miss people when they are gone. Out of sight, out of mind. I am also extremely good at goodbyes. Some would then conclude that I'm never emotionally attached, but I feel like I really deeply care about people when they're present in my life. I have no clue what this all means when put together.
This is missing my favorite part of the interviews: me. It needs more me.
Seriously, this is a great post. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. More comments later?
I don't want people to find out I'm the kind of elitist liberal who reads The New Yorker! I hide that fact so well!
"Survivors often regret their decision in midair, if not before. Ken Baldwin and Kevin Hines both say they hurdled over the railing, afraid that if they stood on the chord they might lose their courage. Baldwin was twenty-eight and severely depressed on the August day in 1985 when he told his wife not to expect him home till late. I wanted to disappear, he said. So the Golden Gate was the spot. Id heard that the water just sweeps you under. On the bridge, Baldwin counted to ten and stayed frozen. He counted to ten again, then vaulted over. I still see my hands coming off the railing, he said. As he crossed the chord in flight, Baldwin recalls, I instantly realized that everything in my life that Id thought was unfixable was totally fixableexcept for having just jumped.
Kevin Hines was eighteen when he took a municipal bus to the bridge one day in September, 2000. After treating himself to a last meal of Starbursts and Skittles, he paced back and forth and sobbed on the bridge walkway for half an hour. No one asked him what was wrong. A beautiful German tourist approached, handed him her camera, and asked him to take her picture, which he did. I was like, Fuck this, nobody cares, he told me. So I jumped. But after he crossed the chord, he recalls, My first thought was What the hell did I just do? I dont want to die.
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2003/10/13/031013fa_fact#ixzz2BIkqs82W"
That's fascinating, thanks Bagels.
The finality of the decision is both why its so alluring and regrettable. Suicide isn't a clean decision - it's an ongoing conflict. Which is why it's so tough to explain for those considering it, and argue against for those trying to reassure.
Please don't do it Neo Child & Windam. I have the next two days off of work and would be happy to speak with either of you over the phone at any time. Or PM me. Anything.
The finality of the decision is both why its so alluring and regrettable. Suicide isn't a clean decision - it's an ongoing conflict. Which is why it's so tough to explain for those considering it, and argue against for those trying to reassure.
Please don't do it Neo Child & Windam. I have the next two days off of work and would be happy to speak with either of you over the phone at any time. Or PM me. Anything.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
A friend of mine OD'd on morphine and somehow survived, woke up 2 days later full of regrets. He's back to living with his parents and younger siblings now. Wouldn't say he is mentally healthy, but at least he's not trying to go it alone anymore. He is very adamant that suicide is not the right idea.
If you have questions. I don't really know what else to talk about.
lunarworks
Member
Too many of my personal failures and regrets coming back to haunt me tonight. :/
I also feel like this. A few years ago, some members of my family passed away and I felt terrible at that moment, I mean, two of them were extremely close to me and I really cared about them. I felt like shit for a couple of days and sometimes I kind of miss them; But, the next day after the funeral I returned to college and everything was normal. I know all of my friends were expecting me to be a mess, but I just, I don't know, I get over these things way too fast.
I also haven't seen some of my friends for months, and they tell me all the time they miss me. I don't even know what to say to them, to be honest, I don't miss them. I mean, I'm just not seeing them, I don't feel anything about it. I know this sounds like I'm a horrible person... Sometimes I wish I could change this.
Glad to hear that, Windam! You've got lots of support here, too. Take somebody up on the offer to chat. Just venting and feeling less alone can help. A lot of people here have your back.
More comments and questions from me, I meant. I'm kind of in and out of the thread today.
Agent Cooper
Member
I'm really glad to hear that. <3 *hug*
Great, it's 2 AM here and I don't feel like going to sleep. I don't want the week to start again, having to endure the day at work and all that, it all feels meaningless. I mean, what's the point, if I'm not doing anything with my life? It doesn't help that earlier today my dad tried to shame me in front of my family for my total lack of dedication to the university, when I told them I didn't like the subjects in the first years of the career and therefore had zero motivation to continue, saying something like "Yeah, because buying games and music CDs is much more useful and a better way to invest your time". I'm sure that's what they feel, that I didn't do anything that was expected from me. I'm a fucking disappointment to everyone, my family knows I do nothing but waste my life, I won't get anywhere in life. I'll die alone, with a job I don't like, bitter and lonely. And I know I deserve all of this.
I feel like this are "first world problems", and such stupid things don't even deserve to be said, specially when there's people out there suffering from real stuff. I tried to stop having negative thoughts, but I can't. It's like I'm doomed to feel down. Oh well, at least my music and games won't complain about my complete worthlessness.
I feel like this are "first world problems", and such stupid things don't even deserve to be said, specially when there's people out there suffering from real stuff. I tried to stop having negative thoughts, but I can't. It's like I'm doomed to feel down. Oh well, at least my music and games won't complain about my complete worthlessness.
Depression is real, even if the mainstream doesn't think it is. In 10, 20 years or so, we'll look back at this decade and think "why didn't we do anything about this outbreak, we should have started caring way earlier", trust me.
So, if anyone tells you "it's all in your head", those people are wrong. Well technically probably right, but that doesn't make it less real.
Noone deserves what you say. Noone deserves to live like that. Everyone deserves happiness, that's our entire purpose of living. If you ever feel like giving up, don't hesitate to ask for help. Even if the mainstream and people you know tell you that it's all up to you and just "smile and be happy, it's easy!". No, it's not. It's not embarassing to ask for help. Would you be too embarassed to go to the doctor if you were physically sick for many years? No. Mental illness is nothing different.
EDIT: Out of curiosity, what time zone has 2.21am right now? East coast IMHO only has 1.21... no?
ClassyPenguin
Banned
"Joseph Strauss believed that the Golden Gate would demonstrate man’s control over nature, and so it did. No engineer, however, has discovered a way to control the wildness within"
That is one goddam powerful sentence.
And I live next to the Vincent Thomas, and the Point Fermin cliffs, that like the Golden Gate offer the same uh, "service" for the lack of a better word.
meltingparappa
Member
I am taking up to seven pills a day, and feeling progressively more miserable to the point of where I'm starting to miss work.
My psychiatrist is trying lamotrigene and lithium to try and control what might be bipolar mood swings, although I feel his definition of "manic" might just be my definition of normal.
I trust in him though, and have regular appointments every two weeks. For the past several appointments, it has been utterly agonizing going through the side effects only to be prescribed something new by the end of it.
The sessions are also costing me a fortune due to my company's terrible healthcare plan.
I feel utterly lethargic, unmotivated, miserable, ashamed that I can't get it together and getting farther and farther away from what my "healthy" life used to be. I recognize that these are all just symptoms of the disease, I suppose I am just impatient as I feel like things have only progressed negatively for the past eight months.
I have a birthday and a Christmas spent alone coming up, and the thought scares me a little. I've already spent some time in a psychiatric ward and would really prefer to avoid that expensive and unproductive option.
Sometimes my brain claws itself from the inside and tries to hammer home an idea of inevitability where these symptoms will not find any relief. My only consolation is that yes, that's most likely the absolute textbook definition of depression.
My psychiatrist is trying lamotrigene and lithium to try and control what might be bipolar mood swings, although I feel his definition of "manic" might just be my definition of normal.
I trust in him though, and have regular appointments every two weeks. For the past several appointments, it has been utterly agonizing going through the side effects only to be prescribed something new by the end of it.
The sessions are also costing me a fortune due to my company's terrible healthcare plan.
I feel utterly lethargic, unmotivated, miserable, ashamed that I can't get it together and getting farther and farther away from what my "healthy" life used to be. I recognize that these are all just symptoms of the disease, I suppose I am just impatient as I feel like things have only progressed negatively for the past eight months.
I have a birthday and a Christmas spent alone coming up, and the thought scares me a little. I've already spent some time in a psychiatric ward and would really prefer to avoid that expensive and unproductive option.
Sometimes my brain claws itself from the inside and tries to hammer home an idea of inevitability where these symptoms will not find any relief. My only consolation is that yes, that's most likely the absolute textbook definition of depression.
I keep thinking about whether or not I should post here, but I figure it cant hurt. Although part of me is afraid that friends that read GAF will find my post, but Im going to assume that none of them read this thread. Still kind of wish I could post anonymously. :/
I feel terrible posting here because I dont know if I actually have depression or anything wrong with my brain chemically or if its just circumstantial stuff. Ive seen plenty of therapists over the years, and Im seeing one now, and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time, but theyve all said medication was unnecessary. And I did try being completely honest with them. Ive never had any of them mention any kind of anxiety disorder, but this is a pretty accurate depiction of how Im feeling. So I guess Im thinking that Im just making a huge fuss about nothing and I should just suck it up. And I know I have a much easier battle then many people out there and in this thread. But maybe just writing this all out will help a bit, and honestly Im scared of continuing to bother my friends about it because I feel at this point its just getting frustrating and hard to deal with. And Ive definitely lost friends because of it in the past, so Im utterly terrified of it happening again. But I cant keep it in my head any longer (of course, theres talking to my therapist, but Hurricane Sandy has made that difficult this past week), and I figure if I post about it here, I wont bother my friends about it as much anymore.
I feel completely worthless. My self-esteem in regards to everything has plummeted in the past few months and I really dont want it to get worse. Ive always had shit self esteem when it came to looks and what not (21, never been in a relationship, virgin. standard nerd stereotype. except I feel even worse about it because Im a girl and supposedly the only reason Id ever be alone is because I choose to be. So I really must have fucked up somewhere along the line.) But now Ive dropped out of college for the second time, and I just feel like a failure. And it seeps into everything I do. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I cant do a single thing right. I was supposed to set up a website for one of my friends tonight and couldnt get a single line of code to work and spent a couple of hours crying over it. I know that sounds stupid and quite frankly pathetic, but I just want to be able to feel Im capable at one thing. Just one. Because so far every time Ive tried my hand at something that takes even the minimum of skill and competence, I fail.
Ive applied to two colleges in the city for a transfer, but since I made my decision to drop out of my old school kind of late, I didnt make the deadline so I have even less of a chance to get in. Im honestly not sure what Ill do if I cant go back to school in the spring.
But I guess Ill freak out about that later. Right now Im just not sure how to deal with bad nights like these where I fail at one thing and then I spiral and a few hours later Im having a hard time seeing any positives about myself and why my friends even bother. I know Im extremely lucky to have them, but Im just waiting for them to realize Im not worth the trouble. How has Depression GAF dealt with raising self esteem? Even if its in tiny baby steps. Of course I plan to talk to my therapist about this later this week (if recovery from the hurricane goes as planned.) At the very least writing this has helped entertain me since Im kind of not looking forward to laying in bed and keeping myself up with even worse thoughts. So Ive just been trying to keep myself occupied until I knock out from exhaustion.
So i just want to end this by saying thanks for reading if you got this far and you all deserve big hugs. I wish I could offer more support than this, but if anyone's ever up late at night and needs to talk to someone - if only to escape the terrible echo-chambers that our brains can sometimes turn into - chances are I'll be up and happy to lend an ear.
I feel terrible posting here because I dont know if I actually have depression or anything wrong with my brain chemically or if its just circumstantial stuff. Ive seen plenty of therapists over the years, and Im seeing one now, and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time, but theyve all said medication was unnecessary. And I did try being completely honest with them. Ive never had any of them mention any kind of anxiety disorder, but this is a pretty accurate depiction of how Im feeling. So I guess Im thinking that Im just making a huge fuss about nothing and I should just suck it up. And I know I have a much easier battle then many people out there and in this thread. But maybe just writing this all out will help a bit, and honestly Im scared of continuing to bother my friends about it because I feel at this point its just getting frustrating and hard to deal with. And Ive definitely lost friends because of it in the past, so Im utterly terrified of it happening again. But I cant keep it in my head any longer (of course, theres talking to my therapist, but Hurricane Sandy has made that difficult this past week), and I figure if I post about it here, I wont bother my friends about it as much anymore.
I feel completely worthless. My self-esteem in regards to everything has plummeted in the past few months and I really dont want it to get worse. Ive always had shit self esteem when it came to looks and what not (21, never been in a relationship, virgin. standard nerd stereotype. except I feel even worse about it because Im a girl and supposedly the only reason Id ever be alone is because I choose to be. So I really must have fucked up somewhere along the line.) But now Ive dropped out of college for the second time, and I just feel like a failure. And it seeps into everything I do. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I cant do a single thing right. I was supposed to set up a website for one of my friends tonight and couldnt get a single line of code to work and spent a couple of hours crying over it. I know that sounds stupid and quite frankly pathetic, but I just want to be able to feel Im capable at one thing. Just one. Because so far every time Ive tried my hand at something that takes even the minimum of skill and competence, I fail.
Ive applied to two colleges in the city for a transfer, but since I made my decision to drop out of my old school kind of late, I didnt make the deadline so I have even less of a chance to get in. Im honestly not sure what Ill do if I cant go back to school in the spring.
But I guess Ill freak out about that later. Right now Im just not sure how to deal with bad nights like these where I fail at one thing and then I spiral and a few hours later Im having a hard time seeing any positives about myself and why my friends even bother. I know Im extremely lucky to have them, but Im just waiting for them to realize Im not worth the trouble. How has Depression GAF dealt with raising self esteem? Even if its in tiny baby steps. Of course I plan to talk to my therapist about this later this week (if recovery from the hurricane goes as planned.) At the very least writing this has helped entertain me since Im kind of not looking forward to laying in bed and keeping myself up with even worse thoughts. So Ive just been trying to keep myself occupied until I knock out from exhaustion.
So i just want to end this by saying thanks for reading if you got this far and you all deserve big hugs. I wish I could offer more support than this, but if anyone's ever up late at night and needs to talk to someone - if only to escape the terrible echo-chambers that our brains can sometimes turn into - chances are I'll be up and happy to lend an ear.
Actually, no one is saying that it's all in my head, since I never speak about this to anyone. I don't want to admit I have a problem, I'm hoping it will all go away someday. Either that, or I'll break down hard.
I get what you're saying about not having to be embarassed, but I can't face it. I've grown believing this was some kind of self-fabricated state of mind, and though it's been a while since I realised it's a real illness, the thought is so ingrained in my mind that I don't know how to deal with it, not daring to ask anyone for help (and I don't even know who or what to ask for).
My timezone? It's GMT-3, at the very south of South America.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
I was a minister for 15 years. Through that I've learned that people are often quite swept up in their own concerns. If your friends read this and learn about struggles you're having that you didn't reveal to them, it will probably alleviate some fears they had about themselves in relation to you. You'd be very surprised how often common insecurity keeps people distant from each other when they all actually want to be closer to each other.
It's kind of a complicated thing. There aren't really hard lines between "brain problem", "thinking problem" and "circumstance problem" but they all interact with each other. You could have a brain problem, but a different way of thinking or exercise/nutrition could set it on track again. There have even been plenty of studies on stuff like how more hugs or accepting touch like a hand on the arm when talking can have a big impact on people.
I also have a friend who is a doctor for cancers, and he explained how the body is constantly defending from cancers, and things like singing and freely enjoying yourself more often can increase these microbe defenses. Something similar could be true of brain/emotional issues. We're constantly learning more about how it's all connected [atheistrant]and it's all as should be assumed, since a soul/spirit is a myth so your persona is your body and vice-versa.[/atheistrant]
Bullshit. Don't give these kinds of thoughts credit. If it is big to you, it is big to you. If it is wrecking your life, it is not nothing. If the strength of it has shown to be bigger than your strength to suck it up, that is the wrong solution. If other people don't even feel this weight and can live freely without having all these things they have to "suck up" then you should also have a chance at that freedom. If there is a way that you got like this, there is a way you can get out and no one has the right to judge you for seeking it out.
One time I watched a movie called Red Dust, and I don't want to ruin the story, but there is a very powerful line: "We have the right to say that it hurt."
I'd recommend watching it to catch the full weight behind that, but the essence of it is that comparing our pain to that of another doesn't mean we don't even hurt. You may look at someone who has been through so much and go "You're so much stronger than me." but they may reply "I didn't tell my body to wake up every morning. Life went on, so I just had to keep dealing with it." If the resilience of the human spirit continues in us, it's not really a choice. One could hurt "more" than the other from an outside perspective, but both simply feel pushed to their limit, with the pain being above their understanding or control, and in that sense it is the same level.
Try not to run with those assumptions about why your love life has been like that. Romance doesn't merely follow from desire, but very often follows from convenience. If there are things that make it easier, be it a practical attitude to "just get to it" rather than having a more elaborate courting process, the confidence of both parties to put themselves out there, lack of effort required to see each other often, less interest/intellectual conflict to sort out, less stated expectations, etc. Those will often win out over base level of desire.
This is why you don't see everyone finding their one true love right away. Often compromises are subconsciously made and it's not even a choice made from lack of discernment or foresight, but merely needing something and needing it right now and thus going for the more convenient options. I'm not saying those who easily get in relationships with less-than-perfect matches are desperate or anything, but it's just part of humanity and the patterns of society. A lot of people follow it, and not cognitively but naturally.
Some other people don't, and they have more difficulty, yet their lives express other aspects of humanity and different social phenomena. It doesn't make you broken if you're one of the latter, however if you don't like it, the means of changing it may involve some choices that you don't like, and it's up to you to decide if you really are discontented with how things are going or if it makes sense when you think about it rather than blindly buy into common messages from society.
BTW if that's you in your avatar, you look cute.
I get this... to an extent. I actually have a high amount of confidence in many things. Most people in my life treat/treated me like I'm one of the smartest/skilled-at-everything people they know. The big rub for me comes in that I have nothing in my life to show for that. I have a long record of not being given chances a lot of other people get, not trying to get them, and failing when I do. I imagine that not feeling good enough and feeling like a huge pile of wasted potential probably have some similarities.
Heh, see my life story. I totally get it.
My recommendation would be to spend a lot of time meditating on the facts of all of life. Don't think of yourself in comparison to whatever expectations you feel others have put on you, but think of all of mankind through all positions in all places in the world through all history. Looking at things this way, it's not so bad. Then I would recommend taking a read of my personal philosophy and perhaps a slightly expanded application and really let that soak in. Look around you and think about all life in context to these things. Make a practice of it and eventually it develops as a habit, and then you end up applying it to yourself as well.
No problem, dear. That's why we're all here.
PumpkinPie
Banned
In five years of feeling like this, this is the first time I'm saying this:
I need help :'( I'm fucking sick of everything. I've been to see two different doctors and have been turned away both times. What can I do??? I feel trapped! I feel like crying all the time. I don't have a single friend. My life just feels like one big fucking test to see how much one person can take.
I need help :'( I'm fucking sick of everything. I've been to see two different doctors and have been turned away both times. What can I do??? I feel trapped! I feel like crying all the time. I don't have a single friend. My life just feels like one big fucking test to see how much one person can take.
revolverjgw
Member
What kind of doctors? What do you mean "turned away"?
PumpkinPie
Banned
Just normal GP doctors. The first one said he didn't have time for this kind of thing, the second one simply gave me a flyer for a community centre meeting 
revolverjgw
Member
Well that's messed up, how could a doctor not have time for that, it's their fucking job. A couple weeks ago I mentioned I was depressed to my GP and she immediately got me an appointment with a psychiatrist. You could try going to an emergency room if you feel suicidal, I had that option too but I declined.
deejay8595
my posts are "MEH"
Very interesting reads in this thread. Great post by "Dice".
too pussy to do it, did a lot of cutting though
The Technomancer
card-carrying scientician
I check into this thread occasionally, but I don't think I've ever posted before, but this post specifically struck me: as someone who's been friends with several people suffering depression, one very common thing I see is massively overestimating how much of a nuisance you are. (This often ties often into similar feelings of social anxiety and being worried about screwing up because everyone is judging you) I don't know if this will help at all, but trust me, people are not going to be bothered by your asking for help like you think they are.
Collete
Member
I wish I can believe that but everyone really does get bothered if I need help...
Not like I could have reached out to anyone anyways.
People here keep saying you will regret killing yourself or you can change but if your future is a bleak dark endless abyss then why even try? There isn't nothing to live for when you have nothing to fight for. If i jumped in front of a train i wont have time to regret it.
Your fight can be finding something to fight for.
Depression heavily skews perception. Your future looks like a bleak dark endless abyss. It seems absolute. It isn't.
You can't see clearly through a shattered window no matter how 'good' or 'bad' things are on the other side.
The Take Out Bandit
Member
Just wanted to say thanks.
Been busy. Working. Procrastinating. Sweating the lack of response from this publisher. =_=;
I still have six illustrations to pencil in and I've hit a wall. On the previous 50 I could recycle a lot. However now I'm mixing animals of various sizes, so it's tough to mix and match and keep things somewhat accurate. Blech.
Always tomorrow.
I haven't even started inking. BALLS!
I don't even know if they still want these since they're not replying to email and I dread every new message in the inbox with each passing day.
Protip: Never procrastinate.
It's been two weeks since I've had anything alcohol related to drink in the house. I was supposed to go out for a beer with co-workers on Friday, but Friday ended up getting piledriven into the concrete and buttfucked by a number of job related annoyances.
Charles Foster Kane
Rosebud
nm
Bowflex
The fact that anyone supports Hillary boggles my mind... I have tested between 130-160 on IQ tests
My girlfriend of 9 months has BPD and in the past month there have been several suicide attempts. she seems to be getting closer and closer and im fucking terrified. everything was fine until her ex husband filed for custody of the kids a few months back and now she is unintentionally pregnant and is probably going to miscarriage or have an abortion. the obvious solution is to have her taken to an in patient, but having been to the two 'affordable' (aka mandatory, shittiest) ones myself, and know how hellish its like in there and how she needs a bpd specialist, the thought of subjecting her to that seems crueler than letting her die. anyone with any experience on this?
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