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[smokeandmirrors]

After having worried about money issue and a severe lack of hours at work, I got laid off today, over the phone and through a voicemail nonetheless. I didn't even need full time, and they go ahead and fuck over one of their most knowledgeable and hardest working people. Fuck them. Good luck finding someone come spring time who knows as much as I do. All to save $9.25 a fucking hour. Hell they hadn't even given me a fucking merit raise that I was due for LAST spring.

That news really set me behind on my studying, which I've been putting off because I honestly haven't felt well enough to do it. And now I've been getting the overwhelming feeling of being too stupid for my major, even though my grades so far have been okay. I've also been having trouble sleeping, staying up until 4-5 and having to get up at 8-9 for class. Just laying in bed, unable to fall asleep.

(I really think the prescription of zoloft I have is really causing a lot of these issues at this point. I don't know why. it work well for my anxiety and now I've probably been on it too long, but I don't really have the time or money to make an appointment and pay the co-pay for my doctor).

And my mood was actually pretty good for the past couple weeks, and now this.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

But yeah, generally evenings after 6 p.m. PST.

Yeah, that seems to be the best time for everyone else too.

 

[demon]

Anyone else have long, elaborate daydream fantasies about acquiring a large sum of money and being able to just fuck off for a year or two? God I hate my job ....

 

[Uchip]

Anyone else have long, elaborate daydream fantasies about acquiring a large sum of money and being able to just fuck off for a year or two? God I hate my job ....

id love to be able to work

 

[Bagels]

Bagels: Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? What's it like representing kiwi-GAF?

UChip: well, I know there are a few kiwi gaffers but there isn’t really much to represent.

Bagels: don't be so hard on yourself

UChip: nah it’s a good thing, we get to be obscure. And people only know we exist because hobbits

Bagels: heh. is that irritating?

UChip: not as bad as being assumed to be part of Australia

Bagels: i'd imagine. You guys are actually part of Hawaii, right?

UChip: no?

Bagels: well, my notes for this interview are worthless

Age? What do you do? that sort of thing?

UChip: 26, bboy, graphic artist, gamer hence being on GAF

Bagels: Favorite games?

UChip: Baldurs Gate 2, Earthbound, Ocarina of Time, Half-Life

Bagels: all excellent choices

UChip: I know right

Bagels: So you have a pretty interesting story. We've spoken back and forth in PMs about your somewhat unusual history - the whole history of your depression and the injuries that may or may not be part of it/contribute to it/make it harder to treat.... Can you tell us about that?

UChip: well I had a rough childhood full of bullying, betrayal and parents hating each other
got to around 16, took prescribed roaccutane because I didn’t want acne, you had to take bi-weekly blood tests and that stuff reaaaaally messed me up (and now apparently its illegal). Ended up having a bit of a breakdown around that time and the doctor prescribed me prozac at age 16.

Therapy and Medication didn’t seem to help, but I eventually found dancing which was the best possible relief from worldly concerns. Unfortunately I started it so late in my life that my body had trouble adjusting to being bashed around (it’s expected when you're learning flips and power moves), and I bashed my head on concrete to the point where I never fully recovered. Started having daily panic attacks and hallucinations, and had to recede from society and work for the next 5 or so years until now

Bagels: what kinds of things happened first with the roaccutane?

UChip: bloody noses and fainting, skin rashes

Bagels: how long had you been taking ti when that happened?

UChip: a few weeks iirc

Bagels: did you stop immediately?

UChip: they told me it was expected, so no

Bagels: jeez. so how long did you take it?

UChip: unfortunately im not american so i couldnt sue them

few months. what a nightmare never got acne again though

Bagels: how often were you having the nose bleeds?

UChip: multiple times a day

Bagels: and the fainting?

UChip: rare but once every few days. just shows you how important being pretty at school means to kids!

Bagels: did that contribute to the bullying? Or did the acne contribute to it?

UChip: i dont think so

Bagels: when did the bullying start?

UChip: kindergarten all the way through college (college = high school for Americans). someone told me its the way I look at people

Bagels: what was it about the way you look at people? I don't get it.

UChip: neither do I

Bagels: fair enough

UChip: maybe it was the growing contempt for people

Bagels: what form did the bullying take? verbal, physical?

UChip: both. couldnt go to the busstop or spend lunchtime without it

Bagels: jeez

UChip: hell some of my ex friends joined in on it because it was funny to them

Bagels: sounds hellish

UChip: it was a good lesson

Bagels: how so?

UChip: when you learn not to expect good things from people you're never disappointed


Bagels: So can you talk a bit about how you ended up on Prozac at 16? was it related to the roaccutane, or more to these other issues?

UChip: what can I say, free healthcare is a blessing and a bane for me. I was off roaccutane at the time, so its effect on that decision is unclear

Bagels: was it a gradual buildup of symptoms or did it come on suddenly?

UChip: gradual to the point that one day I just wondered if I had something seriously wrong with me and went to see the local GP

Bagels: what kinds of symptoms were you having?

UChip: constantly feeling down and suicidal for no reason in particular
i think that was enough

Bagels: sure. so you decided to go to the GP? as opposed to someone else suggesting it

UChip: who else would suggest it? my mother doesn’t even believe in depression

Bagels: school administrators? i dunno

UChip: hahahahaha school doesn’t give a shit about the mental health of the students

Bagels: It's odd for a 16yo to make that decision on his own

UChip: it is odd, but I was very ill and when you're ill you seek doctors

Bagels: that's...pretty mature

so you started on the Prozac - how did that go?

UChip: felt like a zombie but it was a marginal step up

Bagels: how long were you on it?

UChip: a year or so before being changed to two or three other kinds because it wasnt helping enough

Bagels: did you find one that really worked for you?

UChip: nope. never

Bagels: so you also did therapy?

UChip: of varying types, yes: paid, free, counselor, psychiatry, group therapy, holiday home for sick people
and some other shit that I cant care to remember

Bagels: any luck there? It sounds like "no"

UChip: not in the slightest, actually ended up walking out of a few

Bagels: So the big revelation for you was dancing

UChip: its one of the bigger ones, yes

Bagels: we're not talking ballroom, are we?

UChip: ive done a bit of salsa, but partnered dancing makes me kind of angry

Bagels: haha

UChip: they thought I was naturally good at that, but its just not me

Bagels: so what kind of dancing do you do?

UChip: bboying, also known as breakdancing
which i was absolutely garbage at

Bagels: How did you get into that?

UChip: a friend, also it was similar to my martial art background enough that the movements werent too hard

Bagels: what's your martial arts background?

UChip: taekwondo, kempo and a bit of pankration

Bagels: cool. I did taekwondo and hapkido in college. i absolutely loved it. i wish i had kept it up when the depression hit, but I just couldn't drag myself to it

UChip: did you kick people in the face?

Bagels: i never did sparring

UChip: oh haha

Bagels: I know, i know

UChip: didnt do the most fun aspect of it.... yea

Bagels: i just liked it as a sport and exercise

UChip: fair enough

Bagels: so you were all about busting heads?

UChip: I wouldnt put it that way, makes me sound like a meathead
its just a faster way to learn

Bagels: So what was it about bboying that you found rewarding or helpful?

UChip: completely unrestricted creativity

Bagels: interesting! do you have other creative outlets? are you an artistic person? whatever that means...

UChip: I studied video editing, took up dancing, am currently learning to draw, appreciate all kinds of art. I guess thats me

Bagels: but dancing felt the most...

UChip: its a visual representation of music defined completely by yourself
its not a set style like say ballet

Bagels: ah. Gotcha. so you started bboying when?

UChip: 5 years ago I think. maybe a bit more

Bagels: so you were 21 or so?

UChip: yes

Bagels: and that's old? sad face

UChip: most people start as kids. the best ones anyway

Bagels: can you tell us about your most dramatic and badass injuries?

UChip: backflip on wet concrete onto headplant
sounds like an actual move
quite the concussion. its what you get for showing off on a sidewalk in the city

Bagels: did you end up in the hospital often, or did they just kinda prop you up against something and wait until you came around?

UChip: the latter. many migraines were had, and are still had

Bagels: tell us more about the kinds of lasting effects you've had from your injuries

UChip: mostly migraines and memory loss

Bagels: did the injuries contribute to the depression?

UChip: im sorry who are you?

Bagels: don't you have some visual problems as well?

UChip: jokes

Bagels: a talking bagel?

UChip: yes. everything looks really bright and disgusting to me

Bagels: how so?

UChip: doctors put it down to psychosis and gave me some serious shit for that: risperdal etc, anti psychotics

Bagels: so that didn't help...

UChip: not particularly. I think my brain has just rewritten itself in a stupid way

Bagels: So have you been to a neurologist?

UChip: yes. ive actually had every test imaginable for that… so many blood tests, MRI , CT , EEG, EKG

Bagels: (we've talked about this before, but I'm pretending not to know! ACTING!)

UChip: lol

Bagels: What happened with the depression after these injuries? Did your symptoms change? Or just intensify?

UChip: even went as far as shit like osteopathy, chiropractic and acupuncture

and I hate the idea of homeopathy

Bagels: haha. Spoiler: it's complete bullshit

UChip: depression is always at a constant low, so it couldnt get much worse. you could say that it can always get worse, but believe me, it couldnt at that point

Bagels: So we've talked about your treatment options and the mixed neurologic/psychiatric picture really makes it tough. Are there things that you've found have been helpful?

UChip: nothing yet, but I am planning on exploring some of the things you mentioned - nothing to lose, everything to gain etc

Bagels: thumbs up!
How are things today? How are you doing in general?

UChip: I havent slept in 24 hours and I have to do some work tomorrow

Bagels: Sleep deprivation does have antidepressant effects, oddly enough

UChip: are you telling me to stay up?

Bagels: I'm just trying to siund smart

Bagels: sound

Bagels: fuck

UChip: might want to edit that

Bagels: But not sleeping is known to temporarily make depression symptoms better - the only problem is sleeping reverses the effects

UChip: is that because your brain has minimal function?

Bagels: no clue, but it's a well-known phenomenon

UChip: not well known enough apparently

Bagels: at some point, you do start losing your mind, so it's not a great treatment
I think the record for voluntary sleep deprivation is something like 8 days. It was a high school science fair project

UChip: thats insane

Bagels: i've gone maybe 72 hours. that's like losing your mind. it's unreal

UChip: I cant understand why someone would voluntarily put their sanity at stake

Bagels: to pass high school science! not a good reason?

UChip: cant pass science when you're in a padded cell


Bagels: So what do you do for work?

UChip: part time making posters and fliers
not particularly rewarding, but its something

UChip: gets me the latest videogames!

Bagels: how is your support system? Friends? Family?

UChip: family, not so much
but I have a few irl friends
and many online ones, and with the advent of skype and online games, you can interact with them more online than you could in person anyway
girls have never been a factor though

Bagels: how so?

UChip: they joined in on the bullying back when, and when I got older they would stop talking to me when they found out I took medication for my brain! and at this point ive lost all interest in relationships and sex in general.

Bagels: ugh. sorry, man

UChip: its cool
gives me more free time

Bagels: Do you think that's a good strategy in general? A lot of Depression-GAFfers complain about not having romantic lives. Should more people go asexual?

UChip: It wasnt a choice

Bagels: well, okay

UChip: lol

Bagels: Should people entertain the idea more readily?

UChip: but dwelling on sex is a good way to burn yourself out over something so temporary

Bagels: tell that to every politician, ever

UChip: to tell the truth im envious that people have the ability to even care about it
I want that back

Bagels: Do you think there's a chance to get it back?

UChip: feels like no, but i dont know how medical science will go in the future. its been so long that I have no hope for treatment
feels like this is just who I am


Bagels: What keeps you going on? Why not just give up like so many people say they want to?

UChip: we only live once, and a troubled life is still better than none

Bagels: Do you still hold out hope for the future, or are you more resigned to this being how your life will be?

UChip: if you compare yourself to wealthy, lucky people you're going to feel much worse
i have no hope, but I also dont care
we all have equally insignificant existences on the grand scale of things

Bagels: Ever read "The Stranger" by Camus? You're quite existentialist

UChip: no i have not
I subscribe to the idea of existential nihilism, but also temporary, self-given meaning

Bagels: interesting! You've spent time thinking about this...

UChip: too much


Bagels: Switching gears, I'd really like your thoughts on the depression thread. You've been posting there forever, and you're one of the more outspoken members of Depression-GAF.

UChip: depression gaf seems like a better place to speak your mind than the office of most shrinks
there are a lot of helpful people there, and many people in need of help
its a positive entity. Just urge people to make an effort to change their situation. doing nothing about it is the worst thing to do

Bagels: that kind of gets into my next question - what helps, what doesn't help?

UChip: im probably not the best to ask that
it would vary greatly for everyone, but in general staying fit and eating well, and getting vitamin D (aka sunlight) are understated. Many people probably could turn their life around just by doing even one of those.

Bagels: How about how to get the most out of the thread/contribute the most - what kinds of things do you like to read, what kinds of things drive you nuts?

UChip: sharing personal stories is a good way to relate to people
what drives me nuts is defeatist posts that ignore everything people say to them


Bagels: any advice on using drugs or alcohol to treat depression?

UChip: dont

Bagels: that works for me

UChip: its that simple


Bagels: Any closing words of advice? I think what really makes you interesting to see in the thread or to talk to is that you aren't filled with hope in any traditional sense. I feel like you should be more glum, but you're always telling people to keep fighting and go on living. We've explored that a bit here. Is there a big takeaway from your experience with depression that we haven't gotten at?

UChip: people have the opportunities to try and change themselves
something I feel like ive given a shot and failed at
it makes me furious that people are wasting their lives

Bagels: do you sort of cultivate that anger as a positive force in your life?

UChip: not particularly

Bagels: haha

UChip: its just there

Bagels: well shit

UChip: haha

Bagels: that's probably as good an ending as any

UChip: done

Bagels: I like to end with me looking stupid

[12:03:03 AM] UChip: stick a fork in it

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Anyone else have long, elaborate daydream fantasies ....

Yes, all the time.

 

[Surface of Me]

Anyone else have long, elaborate daydream fantasies about acquiring a large sum of money and being able to just fuck off for a year or two? God I hate my job ....

Quite a bit, if I had money I would do nothing but travel.

 

[demon]

id love to be able to work

Sure, but then you actually spend four years at a job doing the same soul-sucking work day in day out, and you begin to fantasize about having the same income without having to work.

 

[Uchip]

Sure, but then you actually spend four years at a job doing the same soul-sucking work day in day out, and you begin to fantasize about having the same income without having to work.

i can barely afford to eat...

 

[demon]

i can barely afford to eat...

well I'm done here

 

[Uchip]

well I'm done here

im sorry if i offended you but having a bad job isnt as horrible as it may seem :/

 

[demon]

im sorry if i offended you but having a bad job isnt as horrible as it may seem :/

nah man you got me with that one. gotta eat.

 

[fredrancour]

I've started failing to turn in coursework due to depression, anxiety, and a poor attention span again. I never should have stopped seeing a shrink.

 

[Prax]

... huuhuu.. I actually warned bagels that I probably wouldn't appear in the thread or read it for a week since I didn't want to cringe at my own words out of pure embarrassment. It hasn't actually been a week, because I figured I better break my shame cycle early instead of later. o___o SO HI AGAIN EVERYONE.
(I still haven't reread what I said though lol--and the "b" key on my keyboard is broken so I'm copy-pasting b's in. Half-dedication!)

How do you deal with the guilt of having wasted a huge amount of money over the years? The past 4 years I have lost a fortune buying and selling hundreds of CDs and vinyl records I barely listened to, synthesizers and a guitar I barely played, crap for hobbies that lasted only a few months. I have sold a lot but only got back a small percentage of what I've spend. The amount I've lost is huge and the guilt has been eating me away for months now.

Sounds like a life lived with lots of self-discovery or memories. It's not totally a waste as long as you enjoyed yourself a bit, learned some things, and survived through all of it (not like it became something that put you out of house and home, I imagine). People use/squander a lot of things, whether it's money, time, relationships, opportunities, or their own enjoyment. And that's.. kind of totally fine if in the end it helps you find that balance. Luckily you did it with money, which is replaceable and what it's there for anyway if you think about it. Hopefully you did get enjoyment out of it and that's kind of its own worth.

And if you want to save money now, then just do it. Save more and keep a little on the side for enjoying. Just balance out between your purchasing decisions with what is good value down the road (like a set of high quality kitchen knives lol) versus what will make you happy right now but is transient/disposable (like... gourmet food/ingredients lol).

iknowthatfeel.jpg

I probably never had a real friend throughout my childhood and teenage years, mostly fake and superficial people I hung out with. One or two were bordering on being actual friends, but they lived so far away I never saw them.

Still, now that I have a few friends, my life really isn't magically that much better. Yes, they add a lot to my life, but ultimately I still feel like I don't belong into human society.

What comes naturally to other people (i.e. all kinds of social interaction), I try to emulate through careful observation and copying of other people's behavior.
Like I'm like some kind of alien or possibly a robot, trying to pass off as a human. I guess it works, more or less. People I asked about this have told me time and time again that I look perfectly normal - although they were probably just trying to be nice.

I'll never have a normal life, I'll never be at home in society and I'll probably never have a girlfriend or kids. I'd just like to go to university a single time without being in panic mode.
Fuck social anxiety. I can live with my depression more or less, but I'm not sure I can live with my SA forever. Trying to live a normal, average life is just too goddamn exhausting and frustrating.

I know how that feels~

Having depression with social anxiety is a real "sweet" combo that makes reaching for help even harder and becoming withdrawn and isolated even easier. You are posting though! That's good steps in my eyes--if only because in previous years, I'd barely post anything in forums due to it.

Due to all the "work" I put in, almost nobody that knows me sees me as someone with social anxiety or issues (which I thought were very obvious to any casual observer, but I think people are less perceptive than they may lead you to believe!). People are probably not just being "nice". You're most likely very human. You just feel all weird about it due to continuous anxiety signals from your brain messing with you.

Sounds like you are still pretty young and have time to work on it if you so choose. Just keep practicing more. Will yourself to speak up! I used to never try to participate in classes, but I found out that my frustration with lessons getting slowed due to the teacher/prof waiting for a student to speak was more unbearable than my social anxiety, so I'd force myself to volunteer answers. Over a few years (yes, it takes yeaaars.. all those gruelling years!), I got more and more comfortable with just speaking up and blocking "shame signals" from my brain. My social anxiety hasn't been cured or anything drastic, but it's getting better all the time--just very slowly!

With all the different problems and issues even "normal" people deal with on a day-to-day basis, I really question what a normal life really means these days anyway. I figure it's good enough to aim for an occasionally enjoyable life.

Would anyone be interested in another GAF chat?

Yes. HM.. not WiiU launch weekend.. >_> I am usually good for late evenings (or REALLY late nights.. 11pm - 2am EST).. but really depends on the day since my schedule changes all the time.

Anyone else have long, elaborate daydream fantasies about acquiring a large sum of money and being able to just fuck off for a year or two? God I hate my job ....

ALL THE TIME~! I also feel like I'd donate huge amounts of charity, then save up the rest, and probably find an EASIER job (or make myself one to say I've "earned" my paycheck for the day lol), and just spend the rest of my life doing art and getting games and cartoons funded.

Of course, it's nice to want things, but there's more of a chance of good things happening when you put in efforts on all fronts. >_>

I've started failing to turn in coursework due to depression, anxiety, and a poor attention span again. I never should have stopped seeing a shrink.

Send your teacher/prof an email and ask for an extension if possible. During my worst bouts of self-sabotage, I'd procrastinate until it was impossible to hand coursework in on time--trying to punish myself for.. I don't even know what.. feeling stupid?? Amazingly, some of my profs were very understanding and didn't ask questions. They just took 5% off for each day or something or gave a few days extension. (I got into the habit of calculating all of this out so I'd never totally sink myself, but it's bad when it gets to that point--so don't turn this into a habit if you can help it!). Until you can get in touch with counselling/therapy again, take it slowly and go over your work thoroughly. Things may not sink in the first 3-4 times due to cloudy thoughts, but keeping yourself relaxed, taking notes, and going over them and highlighting "tricky points" will help you feel prepared.

 

[Uchip]

... huuhuu.. I actually warned bagels that I probably wouldn't appear in the thread or read it for a week since I didn't want to cringe at my own words out of pure embarrassment. It hasn't actually been a week, because I figured I better break my shame cycle early instead of later. o___o SO HI AGAIN EVERYONE.
(I still haven't reread what I said though lol--and the "b" key on my keyboard is broken so I'm copy-pasting b's in. Half-dedication!)


Sounds like a life lived with lots of self-discovery or memories. It's not totally a waste as long as you enjoyed yourself a bit, learned some things, and survived through all of it (not like it became something that put you out of house and home, I imagine). People use/squander a lot of things, whether it's money, time, relationships, opportunities, or their own enjoyment. And that's.. kind of totally fine if in the end it helps you find that balance. Luckily you did it with money, which is replaceable and what it's there for anyway if you think about it. Hopefully you did get enjoyment out of it and that's kind of its own worth.

And if you want to save money now, then just do it. Save more and keep a little on the side for enjoying. Just balance out between your purchasing decisions with what is good value down the road (like a set of high quality kitchen knives lol) versus what will make you happy right now but is transient/disposable (like... gourmet food/ingredients lol).


I know how that feels~

Having depression with social anxiety is a real "sweet" combo that makes reaching for help even harder and becoming withdrawn and isolated even easier. You are posting though! That's good steps in my eyes--if only because in previous years, I'd barely post anything in forums due to it.

Due to all the "work" I put in, almost nobody that knows me sees me as someone with social anxiety or issues (which I thought were very obvious to any casual observer, but I think people are less perceptive than they may lead you to believe!). People are probably not just being "nice". You're most likely very human. You just feel all weird about it due to continuous anxiety signals from your brain messing with you.

Sounds like you are still pretty young and have time to work on it if you so choose. Just keep practicing more. Will yourself to speak up! I used to never try to participate in classes, but I found out that my frustration with lessons getting slowed due to the teacher/prof waiting for a student to speak was more unbearable than my social anxiety, so I'd force myself to volunteer answers. Over a few years (yes, it takes yeaaars.. all those gruelling years!), I got more and more comfortable with just speaking up and blocking "shame signals" from my brain. My social anxiety hasn't been cured or anything drastic, but it's getting better all the time--just very slowly!

With all the different problems and issues even "normal" people deal with on a day-to-day basis, I really question what a normal life really means these days anyway. I figure it's good enough to aim for an occasionally enjoyable life.



Yes. HM.. not WiiU launch weekend.. >_> I am usually good for late evenings (or REALLY late nights.. 11pm - 2am EST).. but really depends on the day since my schedule changes all the time.



ALL THE TIME~! I also feel like I'd donate huge amounts of charity, then save up the rest, and probably find an EASIER job (or make myself one to say I've "earned" my paycheck for the day lol), and just spend the rest of my life doing art and getting games and cartoons funded.

Of course, it's nice to want things, but there's more of a chance of good things happening when you put in efforts on all fronts. >_>



Send your teacher/prof an email and ask for an extension if possible. During my worst bouts of self-sabotage, I'd procrastinate until it was impossible to hand coursework in on time--trying to punish myself for.. I don't even know what.. feeling stupid?? Amazingly, some of my profs were very understanding and didn't ask questions. They just took 5% off for each day or something or gave a few days extension. (I got into the habit of calculating all of this out so I'd never totally sink myself, but it's bad when it gets to that point--so don't turn this into a habit if you can help it!). Until you can get in touch with counselling/therapy again, take it slowly and go over your work thoroughly. Things may not sink in the first 3-4 times due to cloudy thoughts, but keeping yourself relaxed, taking notes, and going over them and highlighting "tricky points" will help you feel prepared.

I dont think im capable of shame

 

[Prax]

I dont think im capable of shame

GOOD!(?) The right kind of shamelessness is one level up from self-loathing, anyway. <_<
Now just inject more happiness and self-esteem to cushion yourself from the gnawing maw of depression while you try to find other solutions to help you too.

Also, Uchip, I am so envious of you. I wish I knew martial arts. SO cool. I also want to design posters/flyers for money! I also want to say that you are getting pretty good with your artwork in a short amount of time from what I've seen. And and.. your avatar is really darling and brings me joy. *__*
(I am also not-so-secretly an existential nihilist in philosophy because dang if that don't make the most sense of everything I've read so far!)

 

[Uchip]

GOOD!(?) The right kind of shamelessness is one level up from self-loathing, anyway. <_<
Now just inject more happiness and self-esteem to cushion yourself from the gnawing maw of depression while you try to find other solutions to help you too.

Also, Uchip, I am so envious of you. I wish I knew martial arts. SO cool. I also want to design posters/flyers for money! I also want to say that you are getting pretty good with your artwork in a short amount of time from what I've seen. And and.. your avatar is really darling and brings me joy. *__*
(I am also not-so-secretly an existential nihilist in philosophy because dang if that don't make the most sense of everything I've read so far!)

well
cats do bring happiness
you draw cute things too, though havent seen any recently

 

[Prax]

well
cats do bring happiness
you draw cute things too, though havent seen any recently

I have gotten stuck in a procrastination cycle right now (which may devolve to worse) and am trying to get out of it.. hence the lack of any art.. ;__;
Hopefully soon though! I did manage that doodle just for this thread..

 

[Wolf Dawgz]

I feel like taking a break from university because I feel constantly depressed. Not because of school, but it's just a thing that's been appears occasionally since I was 12 and now I'm 18. It feels like I don`t know who I am, what I want to do with my life, and why I`m doing the things I do.

I just don't think that I'm doing myself any favours to my academic performance because the depression clouds my mind and it's like trying to run a marathon with a broken leg. The work is not really anything that should be out of my league, but I'm doing bad and sometimes not handing in work/ not going to labs.

This depression mainly started at the beginning of the year when I was in the 2nd half of gr. 12. I wasn't even going to go to university and wanted to take a year off, but I got accepted into one the best schools in my country and decided I should go while I can.

I got until the 21st before I can drop courses and they become "W"s. I'm afraid of dropping out though. I just don't know what I would do. I don't know how I'd explain to people like my family, my sort of girlfriend (she`s my ex, but wants to be with me and I`m not sure if it`l`m up for dating her because of the depression on location issues), old friends, and new uni friends. I kept telling my family that I was doing "alright" and not sure how I would hit them with such a bomb like this.

I also don't know where I'd go. If I went back home, then I move back into a shitty town I hate( it snows too much, it's dark, nothing to do). I don't know if I'd even be able to get a job in this city where my Uni is that could even allow me to live with my amount of education (HS w/e you get).

Overall I`d like to go back home, try to find a job so I can earn my own money for a bit and do stuff that interests me in my spare time( learning video game development, modelling & animating in maya, playing games) I`d like to be able to just be me for once instead of study, homework, and exams. I want this to be temporary for a max of two years and then go back to university.

I`m thinking about seeing a therapist, or somebody that I should see for something like this. I just don`t know how I would go about it or what I should tell them. I`m not going to list depression things, but I

I`m asking you guys how should I explain something like this to my parents, and how should I go about seeking help Also I`d like to know how people who`ve dropped out of college and got back in have fared.

 

[Lord Ghirahim]

Should I say no to SSRIs? I don't like the idea of having to take them for years/forever.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Should I say no to SSRIs? I don't like the idea of having to take them for years/forever.

Say yes, but also be aware of any changes or side-effects. You get used to taking it daily. I usually do mornings since it's easier for me to remember that way.
At least it isn't as invasive as taking insulin shots.

 

[sphinx]

do you guys think the main problem is the lack of compassion and empathy from everyone else towards us?

I mean, is the problem in the inside or the outside? Are we always supposed to look things positively even though people/life/internet spits us in the face??

I know that having just ONE FRIEND that would truly understand me would make the difference. I love my friends but the being understood part, truly fails..

 

[Sqrt_minus_one]

do you guys think the main problem is the lack of compassion and empathy from everyone else towards us?

I mean, is the problem in the inside or the outside? Are we always supposed to look things positively even though people/life/internet spits us in the face??

I know that having just ONE FRIEND that would truly understand me would make the difference. I love my friends but the being understood part, truly fails..

I think the problem is internal, not everything is positive but not everything that happens will be a large negative. I think as a depressed person you would tend to blow small negative things up and completely out of proportion. In addition to down playing positive things and a defeatist attitude, all that combines to do is to ensure you are in a terrible mental state and whatever your goals are hardly ever achieved.

The friend and understanding part helps a lot, combine that with other changes no matter how small can push you even further forward.

 

[HappyBivouac]

it's 6 AM. I've been up all night. I have a paper I haven't started that's already VERY late, for a course in which I have an acceptable grade and my professor seems to love me for some reason. I'm not writing the paper. I'd rather just do nothing. So that's what I'm doing. I'm thinking about skipping all my classes today.

 

[RionaaM]

do you guys think the main problem is the lack of compassion and empathy from everyone else towards us?

I mean, is the problem in the inside or the outside? Are we always supposed to look things positively even though people/life/internet spits us in the face??

I know that having just ONE FRIEND that would truly understand me would make the difference. I love my friends but the being understood part, truly fails..

Nah, I'm sure the problem is within me. I mean, who wants to be with a depressed, extremely negative and pessimistic person? It's not their fault I'm the way I am, and I can't blame them for not wanting to be with me. The same reason for not being able to have a relationship, girls are simply not interested in someone like me. And why should them? If I were a girl I wouldn't be, either.

I'm the one who needs to change, not the world. It's not everyone vs me, it's me against myself. Life doesn't hate me, I do. The self-loathing, the total lack of self-steem, having zero motivation for everything, the negative thoughts, all that shit needs to stop ASAP. The problem is that I don't know how to do that, so I'm sure I'll never change and my life's wasted. The only thing I'm glad about is lacking the courage to off myself, though sometimes I wish I could. But not, suicide is not the solution to anything, I guess. Whatever, I'm just talking stupid things, you shouldn't waste your time listening to me, sorry.

 

[RadioHeadAche]

My depression comes and goes. Sometimes I feel that I'm always depressed with momentary bits of happiness, genuine or not. Some days I feel absolutely horrible, though. I'm very self-loathing too. It started out as a bit of a joke when I was younger and was mostly half-hearted, but now I often find myself thinking about just how much I despise my own existence.

 

[Collete]

*interview*

Bagels: How about how to get the most out of the thread/contribute the most - what kinds of things do you like to read, what kinds of things drive you nuts?

UChip: sharing personal stories is a good way to relate to people
what drives me nuts is defeatist posts that ignore everything people say to them

I try not to ignore what people say, honestly.
I just get too hopeless about everything that I don't see an opportunity to make anything better.
Sorry if that drives you nuts.

On another note your interview is interesting, you went through all these sort of help and not much helped you but break dancing.
I winced when I imagined you flipping into cement head first, heh.
Still, I see you post a lot in this thread and I still am surprised by you being positive at times.
It is nice, and I do hope you find something that truly helps you some day.

... huuhuu.. I actually warned bagels that I probably wouldn't appear in the thread or read it for a week since I didn't want to cringe at my own words out of pure embarrassment. It hasn't actually been a week, because I figured I better break my shame cycle early instead of later. o___o SO HI AGAIN EVERYONE.
(I still haven't reread what I said though lol--and the "b" key on my keyboard is broken so I'm copy-pasting b's in. Half-dedication!)

That's an actually an adorable representation of how I feel when I read Depression GAF.
Who really needs shame!?
I would tell you not to be embarrassment but I can understand the feeling at times D:
So Hi Prax!
Aww, Prax, I kind of forgot to reply to your interview but I found it really relate-able to my own family in the fact they were disappointed I wasn't the one to be responsible and take up a high money making occupation.
In the end it's just best to do what makes you happy in the end rather than what your family might have wanted.
It may not be the wealthiest or prestigious of fields to study in (which it damn should be) but it's still helping to slowly enlighten people of mental health and psychology.

I feel like taking a break from university because I feel constantly depressed. Not because of school, but it's just a thing that's been appears occasionally since I was 12 and now I'm 18. It feels like I don`t know who I am, what I want to do with my life, and why I`m doing the things I do.

I just don't think that I'm doing myself any favours to my academic performance because the depression clouds my mind and it's like trying to run a marathon with a broken leg. The work is not really anything that should be out of my league, but I'm doing bad and sometimes not handing in work/ not going to labs.

This depression mainly started at the beginning of the year when I was in the 2nd half of gr. 12. I wasn't even going to go to university and wanted to take a year off, but I got accepted into one the best schools in my country and decided I should go while I can.

I got until the 21st before I can drop courses and they become "W"s. I'm afraid of dropping out though. I just don't know what I would do. I don't know how I'd explain to people like my family, my sort of girlfriend (she`s my ex, but wants to be with me and I`m not sure if it`l`m up for dating her because of the depression on location issues), old friends, and new uni friends. I kept telling my family that I was doing "alright" and not sure how I would hit them with such a bomb like this.

I also don't know where I'd go. If I went back home, then I move back into a shitty town I hate( it snows too much, it's dark, nothing to do). I don't know if I'd even be able to get a job in this city where my Uni is that could even allow me to live with my amount of education (HS w/e you get).

Overall I`d like to go back home, try to find a job so I can earn my own money for a bit and do stuff that interests me in my spare time( learning video game development, modelling & animating in maya, playing games) I`d like to be able to just be me for once instead of study, homework, and exams. I want this to be temporary for a max of two years and then go back to university.

I`m thinking about seeing a therapist, or somebody that I should see for something like this. I just don`t know how I would go about it or what I should tell them. I`m not going to list depression things, but I

I`m asking you guys how should I explain something like this to my parents, and how should I go about seeking help Also I`d like to know how people who`ve dropped out of college and got back in have fared.

I'm not sure what you should do, only you are a judge of that.
My story of "dropping out" though:
However, when I was in a deep hole in depression beginning of sophomore year, I was a Computer Science major trying to get by with Calculus II, an Astronomy professor that did not want anyone to pass, my actual programming class is not even a build up from the previous class and it was in fact much more difficult than I previous thought.
So yeah, all of these courses really did not help my depression and just started making me hate myself further and further.
My therapist at the time wanted me to drop ALL of my classes to take a term off to recuperate from a previous traumatizing event.
I know I couldn't do that, because my parents would have been suspicious with the fees coming back at them; so I did the closest thing I could do for taking a term off.
I dropped everything but a freshman history class.
However, it was honestly thing the best thing I could have done for myself, I was working on myself and more over recovering back into a person again.
The only thing I regret was telling my parents the truth after all that guilt of lying to them saying I was a full time student.
They didn't take it too kindly and forced me back into a full term the following spring. I really needed another term off to get fully better, but it all back fired at that point.

Still I don't know if you should take two years off, people have had a hard time going back after being away such a long time.
One year is usually the most, but then again, you're not everyone, only you would know if you're honestly willing to go back and adjusting to university life accordingly.
You could also do what I did and take one or two classes but still invest in yourself.
It's pretty much the best of both worlds really, but there is a problem if your parents pay for your university and continuously look at your grades to see if you dropped stuff or not.
Weigh your risks accordingly and decide what's more important.
(My honest opinion, you shouldn't care what your family and friends think and do what's best for yourself.)
Still, do go see a therapist as a must. It wouldn't really hurt if you did go to one, you don't have much to lose.
Usually if the therapist is good/understanding, they will allow you to go at your own pace on opening about your issues.
If you are unsure about what to say as I was, they will start asking you questions and hopefully the process will become a little more natural.
Hope the best of luck on which ever route you go to.

 

[Out of Working Order]

What kind of work do you do? Usually most people connect with others via that

I work at a supermarket pushing shopping trolleys around outside (or carts, as they call them in America). Because I am outside, I rarely have chance to connect with people inside because I don't work with them.

I hardly want to bother any of the customers going in and out of the store; they are there to get their shopping done as quick as possible, after all.

Have you talked to your parents about it? They really helped me. Even if they can't truly understand your depression and where you're coming from, any quarter decent parent will be there to support you. That's definitely something to cherish and take advantage of. You shouldn't take them for granted because generally (not always) parents are some of the only people on the planet who really give any capacity of a shit about you.

If I tell my parents it will change the way they view of me forever. Not only that, they will be worried about me, and may even treat me differently. I am not sure it's a good idea.

 

[heidern]

I hardly want to bother any of the customers going in and out of the store; they are there to get their shopping done as quick as possible, after all.

That's an assumption. How do you know if they are in that much of a hurry? Some of them might be, some of won't. A friendly hello or even a friendly conversation isn't something that would go amiss. Even if they are in a hurry that doesn't mean they won't be happy that they made the time to have a conversation. If one of the customers talked to you would you be upset that they disturbed you from your work?

If I tell my parents it will change the way they view of me forever. Not only that, they will be worried about me, and may even treat me differently. I am not sure it's a good idea.

They're your parents, they chose to have you, they chose the responsibility to look out for you if you have difficulty. By lying to them about this you are creating a distance between you and also denying them the opportunity to help you. They may treat you differently but that's not necessarily a bad thing and of course you can just tell them how you need to be treated.

 

[Collete]

It's awesome that I feel everything is fine for a few hours; right to go back in my sorry state of depression.
Reminding myself there isn't hope for anything and suicidal thoughts are coming back.
Lovely. [/sarcasm]

I don't even know why I try to keep myself alive.
I'm too tired to even continue with classes, I'm going to have a poor grade anyways with next semester.
I hate myself too much and it's just horrible every single waking moment.

 

[Uchip]

I try not to ignore what people say, honestly.
I just get too hopeless about everything that I don't see an opportunity to make anything better.
Sorry if that drives you nuts.

On another note your interview is interesting, you went through all these sort of help and not much helped you but break dancing.
I winced when I imagined you flipping into cement head first, heh.
Still, I see you post a lot in this thread and I still am surprised by you being positive at times.
It is nice, and I do hope you find something that truly helps you some day.

thanks
I dont think anything will help me, but I will try my best to help others in a similar situation

 

[RionaaM]

This afternoon's commute back home was a strange one. Don't know why, but I was on the bus listening to music, when one of my favorite songs started playing and out of the blue made me feel, I don't know, kinda happy. For the rest of the trip I was feeling optimistic, with a smile on my face, full of hope for myself and my life in the future. It felt like I had just taken a very, veeeery mild dose of ecstasy. The negative thoughts were still there on my mind, but they felt really small and unimportant, like they couldn't bring me down.

I honestly have no idea why that happened, there wasn't any reason at all for that sudden rush of euphoria, specially when I haven't had a good day in ages. That fake happiness has already disappeared, and the negative thoughts are slowly crawling back into place, as well as the feelings of gloom and hopelessness. I didn't know the body was capable of behaving exactly like it does after taking MDMA, without actually using the sustance. I must admit I liked it a lot, it was the best hour I've had in a long, LONG time, even though I was just a fool sitting in a bus, listening to Supertramp, smiling stupidly without any reason to feel good.

 

[Yasae]

do you guys think the main problem is the lack of compassion and empathy from everyone else towards us?

I mean, is the problem in the inside or the outside? Are we always supposed to look things positively even though people/life/internet spits us in the face??

I know that having just ONE FRIEND that would truly understand me would make the difference. I love my friends but the being understood part, truly fails..

Having depression or a mental illness will give a person greater perspective. The problem is mostly inside, but the lack of understanding is generally outside. Because others have moved on without as much help, they are less sympathetic, and it makes the healing process that much harder.

Mental illness is something you deal with and live inbetween, it's not an affliction which disappears one day. It makes things a little harder than they would be otherwise, and while that's hardly an excuse to give up, it's also not an excuse for others to believe they truly understand what it's like. They probably won't but they'd like to think they do, and thus the cycle continues. They won't go to a loony bin in their liftime, but yeah well, get over it.

 

[Az987]

do you guys think the main problem is the lack of compassion and empathy from everyone else towards us?

I mean, is the problem in the inside or the outside? Are we always supposed to look things positively even though people/life/internet spits us in the face??

I know that having just ONE FRIEND that would truly understand me would make the difference. I love my friends but the being understood part, truly fails..

I think its more the lack of compassion or empathy from most people to others in general. Most people in this world are self centered for the most part. They think about themselves more than anything else and maybe their compassion stretches out a little to their families and friends and everyone else doesn't really matter to them.

People don't put themselves in other peoples shoes nearly enough before they judge them and it sucks but that's human nature I guess.

I remember I took a college class some years back with my girlfriend at the time and she sat behind me. She told me the girl I sat next to one day glanced at my wrist and saw all the scars I have going across it and kind of made a face. It hurt my feelings but I just shrugged it off. My girlfriend was really mad about it though. I realized that day that it'll always be that way. Most people will never understand our daily struggles and most don't even care to try to. There are some people in the world who will look past it though.

Having a friend that understands would be nice but no one is going to fully understand what you are going through but you. Everyone here needs to be there for themselves because in the end we are the ones who knows exactly what we are going through. I know in the depressed mind its incredibly hard to do that but you have to.

I saw this thing on Oprah of all places, don't ask me why I was watching it, where this author was talking about her depression and she said one day she decided to write herself a letter. The letter was basically her telling herself every single thing she wished someone else would say to her when she was at her lowest and I remember thinking at the time, "That's so corny." but one day I was feeling like shit so I wrote myself a letter lol and it made me feel a lot better. I have no idea why but it did.

I think I'm kind of rambling on now so I am going to stop for now.

 

[Fou-Lu]

I think depression has made me a better person overall, going off what Az987 said, people are often quite self-centered and don't see the world from the point of view of their fellow humans. Having been depressed I never want anyone else to feel down and I always do my best to make sure everyone around me is happy. Maybe I go a little too far sometimes and don't look after myself, but I think it's better than being self-centered.

 

[Windam]

*sigh* I have a three day weekend coming up starting tomorrow, and absolutely nothing to do (and no one to do anything with). Everyone else will be going out and having fun with friends and socializing, and I'll be in my room. Alone for another weekend. I can't shake this feeling of loneliness anymore.

 

[Smiley90]

*sigh* I have a three day weekend coming up starting tomorrow, and absolutely nothing to do (and no one to do anything with). Everyone else will be going out and having fun with friends and socializing, and I'll be in my room. Alone for another weekend. I can't shake this feeling of loneliness anymore.

This might sound a bit weird, but do you like videogames? I'm not suggesting you play Halo or CoD and get your mother insulted, but other, multiplayer games, like MMO's or literally ANY kind of game with online matchmaking. There are some nice conversations to be had over a friendly game of Civilization. If you don't feel like going out or simply can't go out, having social interactions through a third medium is not a bad idea, as much as the public will tell you the opposite.

 

[Az987]

This might sound a bit weird, but do you like videogames? I'm not suggesting you play Halo or CoD and get your mother insulted, but other, multiplayer games, like MMO's or literally ANY kind of game with online matchmaking. There are some nice conversations to be had over a friendly game of Civilization. If you don't feel like going out or simply can't go out, having social interactions through a third medium is not a bad idea, as much as the public will tell you the opposite.

I was thinking that too. Maybe we should all give out our tags in here so if someone is feeling blue someone else might cheer them up. I know if I don't keep busy doing something my depression might pop up.

 

[Smiley90]

I was thinking that too. Maybe we should all give out our tags in here so if someone is feeling blue someone else might cheer them up. I know if I don't keep busy doing something my depression might pop up.

If you want to add me on steam, feel free!

quote to reveal my steam nick:



Gotta at least keep up some privacy, right

Just let me know you're from GAF

 

[Windam]

This might sound a bit weird, but do you like videogames? I'm not suggesting you play Halo or CoD and get your mother insulted, but other, multiplayer games, like MMO's or literally ANY kind of game with online matchmaking. There are some nice conversations to be had over a friendly game of Civilization. If you don't feel like going out or simply can't go out, having social interactions through a third medium is not a bad idea, as much as the public will tell you the opposite.

Used to really enjoy them, but now not so much. Even the multiplayer ones. I guess it comes from a lack of having a group of constant people to play them with, perhaps. Even if I play MMOs, I don't really communicate with anyone or anything. I'm ignored, and so then I ignore. Kind of like real life.

 

[Smiley90]

Used to really enjoy them, but now not so much. Even the multiplayer ones. I guess it comes from a lack of having a group of constant people to play them with, perhaps. Even if I play MMOs, I don't really communicate with anyone or anything. I'm ignored, and so then I ignore. Kind of like real life.

Even with Gaffers? I've had quite a bit of fun in Guild Wars 2 just playing with gaffers. I tend not to do too much with strangers, but it's fun too. There's a community on GAF for pretty much every game possible though, so if you drop into those dedicated threads, I can pretty much guarantee that people will be there to play with you! But if you, or anyone else wanna play something on steam, shoot me a request. I have... too many... games, so most likely I'll have whatever you want to play.

If you used to enjoy them, I feel like there's definitely the potential there that you'll enjoy them again Baby steps!

 

[Az987]

Used to really enjoy them, but now not so much. Even the multiplayer ones. I guess it comes from a lack of having a group of constant people to play them with, perhaps. Even if I play MMOs, I don't really communicate with anyone or anything. I'm ignored, and so then I ignore. Kind of like real life.

What games or consoles did you play?

If you want to add me on steam, feel free!

quote to reveal my steam nick:



Gotta at least keep up some privacy, right

Just let me know you're from GAF

I don't really game on my PC because its crappy but thanks. I play mostly 360 games so anyone can add me if they want. My tag is Az986 but I don't have any games that have come out in the past few months.

 

[Windam]

Even with Gaffers? I've had quite a bit of fun in Guild Wars 2 just playing with gaffers. I tend not to do too much with strangers, but it's fun too. There's a community on GAF for pretty much every game possible though, so if you drop into those dedicated threads, I can pretty much guarantee that people will be there to play with you! But if you, or anyone else wanna play something on steam, shoot me a request. I have... too many... games, so most likely I'll have whatever you want to play.

If you used to enjoy them, I feel like there's definitely the potential there that you'll enjoy them again Baby steps!

Ehh, I played GW2 for about three days before I lost interest in it (and I don't have any Gaffers on it :/). I have Steam, but really, I don't have that many games. The few I do have are really single player only, save for maybe DotA 2 (which I played once and sucked horribly at) and TF2.

What games or consoles did you play?

I play on PS3, X360 and PC. With games, it really varies, but most of them are online shooters (I know, I'm a terrible person), except for PC, where it's basically all MMOs. I just feel so burnt out from what seems like doing the same thing over and over again, and not really having that social aspect of "gaming with friends" that developers seem to emphasize now.

 

[ClassyPenguin]

Or if you are into sports go to a sports bar and watch a game. You don't even need to drink alcohol, just order like a plate of wings or something. One of the few places are are welcoming to people going alone. At a local one, I see a lot of people just coming in from work, watch a Lakers game maybe pick up a conversation and go home.

 

[Smiley90]

Ehh, I played GW2 for about three days before I lost interest in it (and I don't have any Gaffers on it :/). I have Steam, but really, I don't have that many games. The few I do have are really single player only, save for maybe DotA 2 (which I played once and sucked horribly at) and TF2.



I play on PS3, X360 and PC. With games, it really varies, but most of them are online shooters (I know, I'm a terrible person), except for PC, where it's basically all MMOs. I just feel so burnt out from what seems like doing the same thing over and over again, and not really having that social aspect of "gaming with friends" that developers seem to emphasize now.

Mhmmm why don't you drop by the GW2 thread There's a lot of very friendly people in there!

I have dota2 as well and suck horribly at it, despite playing LoL for a while :lol How bout this: Gimme your steam nick and I'll take a look at your wishlist. I'm not joking.

 

[Windam]

Mhmmm why don't you drop by the GW2 thread There's a lot of very friendly people in there!

I have dota2 as well and suck horribly at it, despite playing LoL for a while :lol How bout this: Gimme your steam nick and I'll take a look at your wishlist. I'm not joking.

May do that later on, thanks.

My Steam id is quote to reveal, but really I have nothing on my wishlist. Maybe there would be a few things I want, but I have no credit card. (Not 18 yet.)

 

[Smiley90]

May do that later on, thanks.

My Steam is , but really I have nothing on my wishlist. Maybe there would be a few things I want, but I have no credit card. (Not 18 yet.)

Put a few on your wishlist. I'll take a look at them Also, you might wanna take the name of the profile out inbetween the [email.][/.email] tags if you wanna hide it

EDIT: ah, fixed it

EDIT2: Last online 140 days ago? daaaamn son, so many great games came out! ("son", you're probably like 5 years younger than me.)

 

[Windam]

Put a few on your wishlist. I'll take a look at them Also, you might wanna take the name of the profile out inbetween the [email.][/.email] tags if you wanna hide it

EDIT: ah, fixed it

There's no way I could ever ask you or anyone else to do that. It's not warranted, and I'd have no way of paying you back.

 

[Smiley90]

There's no way I could ever ask you or anyone else to do that. It's not warranted, and I'd have no way of paying you back.

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you :lol You wouldn't be the first one.

 

[Windam]

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you :lol You wouldn't be the first one.

I really haven't done anything to deserve this, though so it wouldn't sit right with me. Plus, I haven't kept up with gaming for quite a while, so even then, I have no idea what's good or not.