Support NeoGAF

[teiresias]

From http://www.conceptualguerilla.com (forgive me if it's old, but it deserves to be posted twice anyway):

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it's a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, asshole, they're blue states. It's not your money, assholes, it's fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let's talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It's fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you want to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

 

[Cool]

Sad thing is...I live in rural Pennsylvania and that's what the mindset seems to be. They all think they live in the South as they all sport Confederate flags on their automobiles and wear shirts that say "the South will rise again". They talk about gettin' drunk, smokin' weed, and gettin' pussy, but come election time they're mysteriously the most devout Christians who say BUSH IS KEEPIN' JESUS IN AMERICA. If the statistics are true that this guy points out, then that is pathetic. I get sick of that Southern mindset, even when I'm not there. What's sad is, we are stereotyping Americans by their geographical locations, when as I've obviously shown there are many exceptions.

 

[Vennt]

...And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it's a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

Hahaha, now that made me laugh.

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

This gets passed along asap. Funny stuff!

 

[DaCocoBrova]

Funny sh!t.

 

[human5892]

That was incredible.

It also had some interesting statistics buried in it (assuming they're true), like the bit about blue states comprise nine out of ten of states with the lowest divorce rates. I never knew that.

It's massive generalizing, sure, but damned if there isn't some soilid reasoning in there.

 

[teiresias]

I also like the blue-state secession test case of having the southern counties of Flordia form South Florida proposed on the website.

 

[FortNinety]

It's massive generalizing, sure, but damned if there isn't some soilid reasoning in there.

Well no one likes to admit it, but often generalizations are based on fact.

That being said, everything stated is a fact.

 

[human5892]

Well no one likes to admit it, but often generalizations are based on fact.

That being said, everything stated is a fact.

Very true. Stereotypes exist for a reason.

Of course, the problem with generalizations like those in this rant is that if you're not careful, it's easy to fall into a "Them and us" mentality where you ignore similar problems on "your" side, as well as exceptions to the rule on the other side. As long as people acknowledge those, though, I don't see anything wrong with a rant like this every now and then.

 

[jecclr2003]

Very funny laugh out loud rant.
It is mostly true though. I'm an Ohioan, we voted for Bush (why I'm not sure), passed Amendment 1 banning gay maariage( once again why I don't know. I've stated my case on it, while I don't agree with gay marriage, but not my place to judge. Do what ever you want, whatever makes you happy).

But I totally agree with that rant. We pay an ASSLOAD of taxes here, high state income, high sales taxe and the federal on top of that. Just so we can get further in debt due to piss-poor managment. Theres a reason Ohio has the highest rate of people leaving the sate after graduating. IT FUCKING SUCKS. We mostly move futher up NE anyway.

 

[Doth Togo]

This ranter can stay in his pollution infested shithole called the Northeast.

 

[BobbyRobby]

You know, the best way to convince someone you're right, is to brutally make fun of them.

I don't see how this helps anything. Just polarizes people further.

 

[alejob]

This ranter can stay in his pollution infested shithole called the Northeast.

Yeah but Bush is the one with shitty environmental policies.

On a semi-related note: I hate the "I'm a New Yorker, we are so great" sh!t.

 

[Tommie Hu$tle]

You know, the best way to convince someone you're right, is to brutally make fun of them.

I don't see how this helps anything. Just polarizes people further.

In all honesty it seems to have worked for the GOP. It just looks like sour grapes coming from this tin foil hatter.

 

[MC Safety]

Hm. When the blue state of California gets wracked by earthquakes, I wonder how much of "their" money will be spent on federal aid.

I mean, no one told them to build a series of cities on a very active fault line.

And the people near the that other blue state, the one with the active volcano.

And the people who live on those blue volcanic islands.

This us vs. them nonsense has to stop.

 

[Overseer]

LOL. :lol :lol :lol

I love reading junk like that. It is so biased but so funny and I guarentee it was wrote in my hometown.